Inner Space

The human brain is an incredible thing. I have always been amazed at the way it works. If you think to yourself: “I need to pick up that pen so I can write things down,” you find yourself picking up the pen before you even finish saying the thought in your head. The speed at which pain sensors shoot emergency signals to your head when you try to take that little tray out of the toaster oven with your bare hands is unparalleled. But the thing that amazes me the most is how different all of our brains are. Some are good at math, others can hear music and instantly pick out the notes being played. Even the types of thoughts people have or how each person handles a situation is rooted in our brains. I find this extremely fascinating.

Some thoughts I feel however are pretty uniform. Things like:
Why am I me?
Why is my soul inside of this body?
Why can I see out of these eyes?
What is it going to be like to not be on the world anymore?
When I close my eyes for good, what is next for my soul?

Now I guess a lot of the answers to these questions can be answered by religious beliefs. But this is one of my points. By nature I am a very logical person. I can’t take every story I hear at face value or anything that is told to me on a daily basis for that matter. When I receive any type of information I run it through all sorts of filters, most of which I can’t properly put down in words so I’m not even going to try. I don’t even have to think about this process, it just happens. But allow me to drop this tangent and go back to the matter at hand.

Religion has always been a problem for me. I’m not going to lie, when I was little I never liked church. I thought it was long and boring and it prevented me from watching television or playing outside. Thankfully my family was not very religious and when I lived in the Bronx I didn’t go to church very often. As I got older and went through the machinations of communion and confirmation I found myself not really “buying into” the teachings of the church. I found out that a lot of past history, especially that which did not happen in front of a television camera, is all hear-say. History is written by the winners, or in some cases, the home team (see: Vietnam War teachings in High School). Personally I feel that if we can barely confirm history of the past 100 or so years, how can so many people be sure of what happened 2000 years ago?

It’s not that I have anything against religion. I admire people who are religious. I just have never been able to suspend my own logic for long enough to believe. I’m not saying that I don’t believe in God, I don’t know if I do or not. I’m sitting on the fence and until I see some proof, that is where I will stay. Now fate is another story. I would say I believe in fate, just not in the full extent. By saying that our lives are mapped out for us is basically saying that life is a giant Tivo’ed program. I believe more that everyone is given opportunities in their life and they decide what road to take. So I guess what I am saying is that life is more like a giant Choose Your Own Adventure book. Which is equally as silly, but I can live with that.

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I can’t make a post with out some lighthearted content….
Originally my next post was going to be a mail chain showing just what kind of mind numbing stuff we email back and forth to each other all day. However, as I was editing all the emails (more than 500 a week) I found that it was about as fun as syphilis. So I gave up. I think we are going to hire some interns to go through this stuff one day.

Currently in the License Plate Contest I have taken the lead at a grand total of 41 after seeing Alaska at the Palisades Mall this evening. Tara and Amanda are trailing by a near insurmountable margin with a total of 40 and 40 respectively. Ok literally as I finished writing that last sentence I received a call from Amanda and I figured she would be commenting on the five-minute message I left her after I found Alaska…..But NOOOOOOOO she just found Kentucky so she and I are still tied. Ballacks.

You know what I would change about myself if I could? Whenever I am making a big purchase, for the story’s sake lets say it’s a computer, I usually fall in love with one specific computer. That computer becomes the apple of my eye. Salespeople can show me all sorts of other computer which I test drive and we get along fine, and I can admit that it’s a great computer, but it is still not THE computer that I am in love with. I refuse to give in and buy any of the other computers. And I know if I don’t buy the computer I love, I will spend my days wondering about the computer that got away. This goes back to that whole brain thing. Stupid sophisticated brain.

So way back on Belmont Saturday, before we got to the highway I stopped off at the supermarket so that I could turn my loose change into money at the coinstar machine. On my bookcase in my room I have a Wendy’s cup and that’s where I put all my change. However, apparently over the last year or so change is not the only thing I put in there. So as I am dumping change into the machine, even more is being dumped back out at me, it’s uncanny. Dmo and I are standing there and it looks like my money is being counted then spit back out at me, which sounds great until the machine shuts it self off. When the store manager walks over and opens up the machine all the gears inside are all jammed by all sorts of golf apparatus. The manager is pulling all of this stuff out and asking: “What is this stuff.” I, of course, am playing dumb and acting like I have never seen anything like this before. So he gives me the receipt, I get my money and get out of there as quick as possible.

The Hero Dies in this One

Title Track (6.17.06)

A special thanks goes out to the title sponsor of this week’s Title Track: Chef Boyardee

Orange Head Syndrome: a joke, story, or blog post that is only funny to approximately four people. I.E. The last post. Sorry about that.

J: The best thing about girls that look underage is that if they are holding a beer you know they are atleast 18.

TV: ….and over 10,000 Mexicans will be here in Germany to watch the game
R: How did over 10,000 Mexicans get to Germany to support their team?
O:
maybe that was part of the agreement they signed with germany in World War II. “We’ll help you against the Americans, and if you ever host the World Cup, you hook us up, si?”

Clint Dempsey kinda looks like Doug Mohr

Leave it to the American fans to start a “Bullshit” chant at the World Cup

So I started playing in this softball league on Saturdays. I haven’t played organized baseball since I was 13. And even though I didn’t know anyone, I wasn’t feeling too bad. Thats when I heard everyone talking about what they did for Prom the night before, or asking about how their first year of college went. It was about that time that I looked down into my Dale Murphy signature glove and realized that most of these kids weren’t even alive when Dale Murphy won his second MVP award. Ok granted I wasn’t alive for Dale Murphy’s first MVP award I at least know who he is and have a couple of his trading cards.

Marco Del Rossi got thrown out of the game versus USA. When ask to comment, Mr. Del Rossi said: “McBride? Hesa fairy boy witha tha limp wrist. I a makea tha posters for a tha cup.”

Imagine if Phil wins the Open this weekend. He’d only be a British away from a career Grand Slam.

People complain about how soccer is low scoring. But what if a football game ends with a score of 14-7. That’s basically 2-1 right?

So you know how Porky Pig’s whole gimmick is that he tries to say one word but then gives up and uses a different word? What the heck is he trying to say after Looney Tunes shows that he replaces with “That’s all folks”

O: You used the women’s room
R: No I didn’t
Waitress: They are unisex
O: No you need sex!

Rumor has it Mar is releaseing a Christmas CD. Now you can hear Mar’s version of all you favorite yeultide carols.
(Tune of “Little Drummer Boy”) Bah I’m winded, bah I’m winded, bah I’m winded……….
(Tune of “Silent Night”) Bah I’m winded, bah I’m winded, bah I’m winded……….
(Tune of “Carol of the Bells”) Bah I’m winded, bah I’m winded, bah I’m winded……….

M: Bah I’m going to call Douglas
R: You just called him five minutes ago, it went straight to voicemail.
M: Bah it went straight to voicemail
R: Don’t worry you can call back in five minutes when you forget about this time.
M: Bah it’s late. I bet Jimmy is buying thousand dollar ties right now.
R: At 4 AM?
M: Bah I’m winded
(An Over/Under has been set for June 18, 2008 for when Mar stops saying, “I’m winded”)

Hi Nick Casanova. You know what you are? You are an asshole. Because I just walked over to Matt Biggar’s house. You know what? [Sentences containing no english what so ever] I’m to drunk to drive anywhere. My girlfriend is passed out in my bed and I have no way to get there. And your friking killing me. I’m friking just walking around the god damn backstreets of New City. You asshole. Answer your god damn phone. What are you playing Smackdown? You are an ass. I hate you. Yeah, that was a message on my phone.

Where the devil are my slippers?

A Day in the Life of…..

I know all of you faithful readers are hankering to know what a normal day is like in the big city. Hey it’s great and I love it, but I’m sure it’s not much different than a day in any other office in the country, I just get to go through the daily grind in a cool building for a well-known company.
Names have been changed to protect the retarded.

6:09 Alarm goes off 20 minutes too soon, but it was probably for the best since all night I was dreaming about work. Gross.
6:50 After breakfast, I hop in the car with Mom and head down to the city.
7:30 While listening the Opie & Anthony show, a caller makes a good point: “If Ben Roethlisberger wears a helmet while playing football, where players crash into him at 10 mph, why does he feel that he doesn’t need to wear a helmet while traveling at 50-60 mph on a motorcycle?” Touche HVAC installation man.
7:55 Arrive at 168th street.
8:20 Step into the empty office, I got lucky because I only had to wait for a combined one minutes at the 168th and 59th street platforms. As an added bonus I also did not have to stand next to a smelly person and I finished the crossword before I was in the office.
8:50 I spent yesterday at Rockland Country Club so I spent the first few minutes in the office checking the work emails from yesterday and catching up on stuff that needed to get done. Now I have some time to open the gmail account. I am expecting the worse. From this point on, gmail will not close until I leave for the day.
8:51 A little note here: The reason that I am expecting the worse is because all we do all day is email. On average, almost 200 emails are sent between Jim$, Mar, Ostrowe, Dmo, and myself. However, the only kink is that while Ostrowe can send emails to Dmo, any email that Dmo or Jim$ sends to Ostrowe gets kicked back. Apparently Dial America does not want their employees sending emails to Technical Traffic. This may or may not be due to the ludicrous amount of emails we send everyday.
8:52 Sadly I only have 32 emails waiting for me today, but just so you can get a preview of what is to come, here is a little sample:

M: bah, the Czech Republic is dominating USA. Instead of CNBC they put the game on. Watching all of this running is making me winded
O: bah, I got winded from taking a nap at lunch. what is Rick up to that he is not at work today?
D: bah, they are getting smoked. that last goal was ridiculous! Rick is working at rockland country club today
M: he’s working at rockland country club (dmo said he’s caddying for steve kladis). bah i cant wait to go home and take a nap on jeanette’s titties
O: bah, i could go for some titties myself right about now. i hope rick will enjoy the 40 unread emails he gets when he goes back to work.
M: bah, no rumor. we should try to find more people with email at work, include them on the list, and send more emails, so we can fill up his entire inbox. and then when he finally opens it, he’ll get extremely winded after reading them all
O: bah, that would be hilarious, especially when he gets to these two emails detailing our plan.
M: indeed, hopefully it works out and we make it onto his next title track
O: bah, i am a seasoned veteran of several title tracks
M: good call, im too winded to make it on any of his title tracks
O: ah, understandable, it is quite exhausting. although that quote alone might be title track worthy.
M: very true. hopefully he actually reads all these emails. and hopefully, he doesnt work in his office the next few days so we can really fill him up. and hopefully doug somehow becomes not fatigued so he can actually reply to these as well (N- for clarification he is talking about filling up my inbox with emails….you pervert)
M: 14:08 Man eats 47 cheese sandwiches in 10 min – USA Today

This is a story we inadvertently missed this morning… USA Today reports that a California man, Joey Chestnut, downed 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes this weekend in Las Vegas to set a world record. That’s eleven more sandwiches than the old record of 36. Last month, Chestnut ate 50 hot dogs. Some say he’s a threat to the reigning champ of food stuffing, Japan’s Takeru Kobayashi.
O: bah, that would be fantastic on both counts.
M: titties
O:
i agree, titties

9:00 Togo v. Korea starts. Somewhere Jimmy Han is going nuts
9:08 M: bah, i got fatigued from writing all those emails
9:30 The Jon Miller weekly meeting starts and as I walk in Togo scores. Somewhere people in Togo are trying to figure out where their country is located.
10:30 Book a meeting for Kevin, update the celebrity list for Tahoe, send out some FedEx packages. You know, exciting stuff. Did I mention that I went to Starbucks to get coffee?
10:40 Togo collapses and loses 2-1
10:41

D: hard to play with 10 guys….bah, Croatia’s uniforms are hideous. I wonder if they’ll distract Brazil
R: I think after the match they are all going to have a picnic. Ronaldo is bringing the guacamole dip and I hear Ronaldihno’s queso dip is die for

10:43 After seeing a picture of a cheese steak from Pat’s which is now gracing Ostrowe’s desktop at work:

M: bah, I’m now starving
D: have some j’s t’s

10:47 Mar presents us with a moment of lol
M: bah im winded, and i fell asleep at 730 last night (on top of j’s t’s), but before i could sleep on j’s t’s, jimmy was banging her in the bathroom of fitzy’s while wearing a gold plated tie
11:00 I have been working on this puzzle for a good 20 minutes. I’d describe the puzzle to you but it would not make sense to anyone. The key point to take away from this entry is that I have been working on a puzzle for 20 minutes. (By the end of the day I will spend over an hour on it)
11:08
D:
bah, I still can’t believe mar walked 30 blocks on Friday
N: I was a witness. Quite remarkable. I blame the fact that NYC has tons of hot chicks who can motivate you to do anything. I believe mar was following a particularly charming young lady on friday
M: bah, very true. she was phenomenal. of course I didn’t have the social skills/balls to talk to her. plus I was winded

11:15
I call the NFL to find out if they want me to FedEx a package 5 blocks to their office or have a messenger come and get it. They choose FedEx.
11:30 The printer starts yelling us and it’s screen tells us there is a paper jam, this of course prompts me to scream (as per usual) “Paper jam, paper jam! Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?!” It’s moments like this that keep me sane.
11:35 I get a brief, much-welcomed “hi!!” from Tara. She is off to the beach. Lucky.
11:37 I’m surprised it took so long for a prolonged conversation to get here:
J: bah I will be at work on July 3rd
D: bah, do they pay you an extra 100k for coming in that day? to bring your salary upto 400k.
J:
I will still not be making as much as you do sir
D: you got a 500% pay increase from dial
M: bah I have a half day on the 3rd, off the 4th, and fatigue every other day
D: He bought a rolex for his boss today!

12:00 JJ Redick got arrested for drunk driving last night, awesome. Point Casanova.
12:50 Format a word document for Kevin, deliver the Sports Business Daily to 44 people
1:07
M:
there’s a billboard ad over my head at all times that says “bah, I’m fatigued”
J: bah there is a also a sign over dmo’s head that reads World’s Richest and Most Powerful Man
D: that’s a rumor! you make more in 1 hour than I make in 2 weeks!
J: that’s a huge rumor
M:
bah, thats no rumor. i hear that dmo not only won several million from joey o in darts but also his corvette
D:
bah joey o is doing the rowboat on j’s t’s
R:
Children…your bickering
O:
bah, who’s bickering is it, jim$ or dmo? or do the two of them collectively own the bickering?and i wouldn’t be making fun of your grammar if it wasn’t a repeat of the whole “your korean rummy in a cell” debacle

D: Jims is bickering, he just threw 5 100 dollar bills at me to shut up.

1:50
The France v. Switzerland game just ended. Good game, this guy on Switzerland just went for a “hand of god” on a free kick in extra time.
2:00 Ostrowe sets the record for longest email of original thoughts ever sent by one of us:
O: bah, my boss keeps antagonizing the crazy guy who sits near me. This guy is legitimately crazy, like one of those bums on the subway, so I’m going to cover my ass. If i get killed it was by Daniel Zollner, and it was because Lisa Vasquez antagonized him. Forward this to the proper authorities.
2:15 Joe Theismann’s office calls me to confirm so Tahoe paperwork
2:30 Tara stops back in to check on the countdown to Rhody and then proceeds to taunt me with stories of her delicious grilled double cheese courtesy of Mrs. Mac
3:00 Brazil v. Croatia. I have been waiting for this all day
3:14 Fill a few merchandise orders
3:30 Late lunch walk with Laura
3:38
O:
bah I’m winded
R: mar may be deceased
I can see the obit now….
Mar (may 2, 1982 – june 13, 2006) cause of death: winded.
bah he was so winded
D: that’s a good obit…
a moment of silence for the late mar…

3:43
It is hard to concentrate when every five minutes I hear “KAKA!” from the television.
4:03 Mar comes back from the dead to tell us he is beyond fatigued and that I screwed up his birth year
4:20 Mar goes home
4:45 I take the opportunity with my last few minutes at work to destroy Mar’s inbox with a series of one word emails
5:03 I get out of work early today since my dad has a meeting to go to. I am usually here until 6 or 6:30.
5:45 I manage to stay awake for 15 minutes before I fall asleep for most of the car ride home.
6:45 Arrive home to this email from Mar:

M: die. I’m gonna need to use a new email account because of all these. I already have over 800 emails from martys in my trash, not to mention close to 100 that i forgot to delete yet. it’s quite fatiguing

Total number of emails: 138
It’s boring, but it’s my life

Title Track (6.7.06)

Well yesterday wasn’t the apocalypse. Duh.

Not too long ago we were forced to bid farewell to Craig “Ironhead” Haywood. This is very somber for me because he was the source of my favorite line from a commercial of all time. (mind you this is in a girly voice) “But Ironhead, what’s with this thingy? (Now tough) That’s the patented lather builder!”

A close second place to Ironhead comes from none other than Mr. O’Neil. When he crooned: “Take it to the hole Shaquille” Then he slammed the phone down and shattered the telephone booth. Genius.

Come to think of it whatever happened to the commercial jingle. If you can come up with a good jingle I feel that people will remember your product forever.

When you remove the dust from something, you are dusting it, not undusting it. The same follows true for the juvenile art of pantsing. Ostrowe and I may be alone here, but imagine if pantsing someone meant actually putting pants on them. I would die laughing if someone ran over to their victim, knocked them over, and proceeded to put a pair of pants on them. All the while the victim would be screaming: “What are you doing…I wore shorts for a reason…It’s too hot to wear pants…people are going to look and me funny and laugh…NOOOOOOO!”
Priceless.

X is dating Y. X gives Y a promise ring saying that he promises to think about getting engaged to Y in the future. X and Y break up. X starts dating Z. After a while X starts dating Y and Z at the same time. Z finds out about Y, X dumps Z. After X breaks up with Y, again, X convinces Z that he is changed and they date again. X breaks Z’s heart for a second time.
Present Time
Barbeque at Rick’s house. Z is in attendance. The word “Promise ring” is thrown out for some reason. Dmo and Ostrowe look at each other and smile. Rick on the other hand says: “Oh man remember the time X got a promise ring for…….fook”

Taraness: The act of badgering Amanda with a well executed guilt trip

O: I wish I could give a promise ring to the queso dip. I promise to savor your deliciousness

D: How are your potato skins
N: Awful
D: Yea, they look pretty bad
N: But you know what the worse part is? The waitress is going to come back and ask me how they are and I’m going to say they are excellent.
(Epilogue: That’s exactly what happened)

This experience led me to come up with a fool-proof plan. The sliding tip scale. Based on the quality of the food, the amount left for a tip is calculated. If the food is awful you leave a 10% tip if the food is great, you leave a 20% tip. If a restaurant consistently has bad food, the waitresses won’t stand for consistantly low tips and they will leave. Now the management knows that the cooks suck and they can either fix the problem or go out of business

John Saunders: “A lot of the critics have been saying that in order to beat the Suns that you have to outscore them.”

N: I want to rent Glory Road this weekend
M: That sounds like the name of a song: Glory Road da nu na na Glory Road
N: That’s Glory Days
M: Oh

Princess Bride and Office Space have been added to the list of comedies that carry themselves throughout their entirety. Don’t ask me what else is on the list because it hasn’t been made yet.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that, he’s gone.

Scripps National Spelling Bee

Live on ABC from the Nation’s Capital
That’s right they pushed back the finals of the spelling bee this year so they could broadcast it live. I think it has officially become one of the most under-rated sporting events in America. I don’t know what makes it so appealing to the masses, but I’ll tell you one thing these kids are damn entertaining. They all have nervous quirks and you can’t help but feel bad for them when the bell tolls. This year they have the final 13 kids sitting on one side of the stage and their parents are on the other side. This just adds to the pity factor you feel for the rejects, I mean the ones who spell the words wrong.

The best part about this years contest was that you could bet on it online. What were the types of bets that could be placed?
Does the final kid wear glasses?
Is he/she homeschooled?
Will the final word have an “e” in it?
Will they ask for an alternate meaning in the final word?
How many letters is in the final word?

As far as rules go, the kids get two minutes to spell and they can ask for definition, origin, part of speech, pronunciation, and for the word to be used in a sentence. Personally, I have always sucked at spelling. My parents used to love to joke how I would spell cat, D-O-G. However, I am getting better. I love playing word games. My next goal is to become a regular Scrabble player. There is only one problem. No one ever wants to play Scrabble. Their excuse: “I’m not good at it.” And when you do find someone who wants to play Scrabble, they of course are a pro, which makes the game no fun for you.

Before we get to this year, my top three Spelling Bee moments of all time:
3) When given a word dealing with chickens, the kid replys “Do the chickens have large talons?”
2) The chick who tried to eat her face with her hands after each letter in every word, she won by the way.
1) The kid who passed out after receiving his word, then got up and spelled it right. What a trooper.

This year we have sharing this experience with us: Robin Roberts, Chris Connelly, and some guy who won the whole enchilada in 1990. This guy is great for adding insightful comments such as: “His dad is German, he should have known that it began with a W not a V” “Kid A loves the climb rocks in his spare time” “These kids love the spotlight” “If he had studied his Italian, he would have known the J sounds are spelt with G’s”

Last night while watching this, I had absolutely no concept of time, except in a few instances. I was chatting on AIM about a plan which can not be mentioned…..Ever, watching the program, writing down notes about the program, updating the blog with the previous post, and talking with my mom. For the most part this is chronological.

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This Bee is being broadcasted in HD. The Indy 500 wasn’t even in HD. Lucky for these kids, and for viewers everywhere, most of them haven’t hit puberty so their lack of acne won’t be magnified when the cameras zoom in real close.

Of the 13 remaining kids, only one of them is home schooled. He also happens to wear glasses. There must be a lot of people in Vegas rooting for this kid. They have a human interest piece built around him, in it he is sitting on his knees with his feet fanned out wide talking about how much he loves being homeschooled. “I feel like if I practice something enough, then I can excel at it. I’m not too good at basketball now, [the clip shows him shooting the ball over the entire basket] but with a little practice I think I could be as good as Nash and ….. Jordan….Ok maybe not Jordan” The clip then goes on to show him playing video games with his friend. They take turn saying random words and spelling them.

Next up, Allion Salvador. Remember the Adam Sandler audio clip from one of his first CD’s, “The Goat” well this kid would make a perfect Garriputo. Fat, short, and he looks like he has a long standing vendetta against talking goats.

Rajiv Something looks like a bad ass dude. He doesn’t smile, just spells the word and walks away before anyone can tell him if it’s wrong or right. I would like to see this kid win just so that he would show some emotion.

So far the first seven words have had eight-line definitions. I tried to write definitions for the first few so that the 5 readers of this blog could learn a thing or two, but I have given up.

Go figure, word 8: Epityphlitis = appendicitis

Saryn Hooks. This girl is going to be the best looking former Spelling Bee Contestant ever. She already looks like Mia Sara, (Ferris Buerler’s Girlfriend) total 80’s hotness. On top of that she sounds like Sharon Stone. Wow. But unfortunately she spells her word wrong so we won’t be seeing anymore of her.

Matthew Geese is up next. He is my new pick to win. I think he is related to Walter. He got his word wrong too. Damn.

After the two minutes is up, the sound used to notify the kids that they have entered finish time is the sound Windows makes when you change the volume on the computer.

Charley Allegar is a speller you don’t want to mess with. He wears a wife beater under his collared shirt and is built like a football player. He and Saryn might run away together, sing “Twist and Shout” in the streets and take turns spelling words to each other. He seemed a little nervous because he was the only one to not ask any questions about the word. He tried to spell it cold and missed. Then screamed into the microphone.

8:41 This is so monumental I needed to look at the time. The judges have just announced that they made a mistake and that Saryn spelled her word right. She was just readmitted into the Bee! or perhaps this is just a way for them to increase viewership.

The pronouncer looks and sounds like Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Get nominated for an Oscar, play the bad guy in MI:III opposite Tom Cruise, land this gig. Is that a fall from grace or what?

After getting eliminated, Connelly asks one of the girls what she has gotten out of spelling. She responds: “I gained friends. My coach is my best friend and HE is always there for me. He taught me a lot and is upstairs waiting for me. He is my best friend.”
I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole

9:07 The winner this year will not be home schooled

Taka Tanaka is is the spelling bee this year. I hope the word they give him is “Marbles”

Saryn is finally eliminated for real now. But she did get a respectable third place. She beat all the boys. There are now just two kids left, both girls. One is from Canada (Why did she have to come here and try to steal away our title. The graphic already told me she won the Canadian version twice already. But I guess she is just looking for some new competition) and the other girl is from Jersey.

These two girls are nuts they are up to round 18, the last four have been with only them two. Oh my, Finola, the Canadian chick just missed Weltschmerz. The Jersey girl has to spell two words right for the win.

10:07 Jersey is crowned the champion after spelling Kundalini and Ursprache. Within two seconds she is presented with her trophy and Chris Connelly refers to her as a talented sailor in his interview with her.

The show averaged a 6.7 rating which is about equal to over 7 million households. I tried to spell the words along with the kids to see how good I was. I went 1 for 51.

Words I Got Wrong:
Exergue, Knaidel, Nauruz, Mandilion, Gematrial, Rubasse, Synusia, Epityphlitis, Hechsher, Mithraeum, Giocoso, Escargotiere, Wehrmacht, Kamaaina, Formenkreis, Lophophytosis, Babism, Towhee, Coryphaeus, Sphacaelated, Collyrium, Paillon, Sciolto, Guilloche, Kilim, Yizkor, Shedu, Appenzell, Croquignole, Douane, Syringadenous, Heiligenschein, Austaush, Dasyphyllous, Clinamin, Machicotage, Recrementitious, Esquisse, Psittacism, Maieutic, Aubade, Poiesis, Kanone, Tutoyer, Izzat, Koine, Tmesis, Weltschmerz, Kundalini, Ursprache
Words I Got Right:
Hukilau

But you know what, I don’t feel that bad. MS Word only knows SIX of them.

Crazy Little Thing Called…..

So back in December I got the great idea that I could write for the school paper. Not because I want to be a journalist, but because I guess I like to write. Plus, I’d like to think that I was funny and that would be a good way to find out. So I was set to try until I was told that the paper doesn’t work like that and wouldn’t publish my stuff, so of course I gave up my idea en un dos por tres, which in spanish translates into something like “lickety-split.” I had hoped that this post would be published:

Callipygian adj.: Having beautifully proportioned buttocks.

Back when I was wee lad of 17 and in high school, Rachel came up with this theorem: “The hot people, date hot people. The ugly people, date ugly people. And everyone in the middle finds no one”. At first I dismissed it as untrue and the only response I could muster was “poppycock”, but upon further inspection I realized she was right. Now I know what you’re saying, “I had a boyfriend/girlfriend and I wouldn’t consider myself hot”. Well guess what that means….You are/were ugly. Simple as that. Okay so maybe that was a little harsh. I beg your pardon, allow me to evoke the “nine times out of ten” rule. Nine times out of ten this is the case.

Now the question remains: Why are the middle-folk (for argument sakes, we’ll call us Normies) not able to find a significant other? The answer is quite simple, Normies refuse to settle. Upper class uglies tend to fall for Normies, but the Normies know they can do better. Eventually the uglies realize their situation and date within their own ranks and become happy. Normies on the other hand hold out for that ideal mate.

But some Normies have it worse. Some of us, such as yours truly, have fallen victim to the Piccinich Factor. (This of course is also assuming that I fall into the Normie ranks) This basically prevents us from initiating any sort of conversation with girls. Remember American Gladiators? I don’t think Nitro ever let the challengers get to the top of the wall. Mike Adamle and Larry Czonka both knew what was going to happen before the event even started. They could announce it with their eyes closed. This clairvoyance could also be used to dictate what happens when I go out.

MA: There goes Rick trying to talk to that girl.
LC: Oh man there he goes quoting obscure movies that no one knows.
MA: Ouch, a cutting sarcastic remark from Rick.
LC: Looks like she has given him the cold shoulder.
MA: Maybe his first mistake was walking over there with a Shirley Temple in his hand?

So now after years of rejection, I am tentative to make any sort of move. We’ll take LG for example. Now she has an absolutely breath-taking heiney. I mean that thing is good. I want to be friends with it. But will I ever get enough confidence to say anything? Of course not. And plus her boyfriend is a stupid wrestler who probably has herpes. But I digress, this is me venting.

I could go into about a hundred more situations and how horribly inept I am at them, this past weekend included, but that is beside the point. But I do know that if I hear the phrases: “I don’t want to lose you as a friend” or “I think of you like a brother” anymore I may just snap. They need to come up with some sort of medicine that suppresses emotional retardation. Then again said medication may be called alcohol.