A Day in the Life of…..

I know all of you faithful readers are hankering to know what a normal day is like in the big city. Hey it’s great and I love it, but I’m sure it’s not much different than a day in any other office in the country, I just get to go through the daily grind in a cool building for a well-known company.
Names have been changed to protect the retarded.

6:09 Alarm goes off 20 minutes too soon, but it was probably for the best since all night I was dreaming about work. Gross.
6:50 After breakfast, I hop in the car with Mom and head down to the city.
7:30 While listening the Opie & Anthony show, a caller makes a good point: “If Ben Roethlisberger wears a helmet while playing football, where players crash into him at 10 mph, why does he feel that he doesn’t need to wear a helmet while traveling at 50-60 mph on a motorcycle?” Touche HVAC installation man.
7:55 Arrive at 168th street.
8:20 Step into the empty office, I got lucky because I only had to wait for a combined one minutes at the 168th and 59th street platforms. As an added bonus I also did not have to stand next to a smelly person and I finished the crossword before I was in the office.
8:50 I spent yesterday at Rockland Country Club so I spent the first few minutes in the office checking the work emails from yesterday and catching up on stuff that needed to get done. Now I have some time to open the gmail account. I am expecting the worse. From this point on, gmail will not close until I leave for the day.
8:51 A little note here: The reason that I am expecting the worse is because all we do all day is email. On average, almost 200 emails are sent between Jim$, Mar, Ostrowe, Dmo, and myself. However, the only kink is that while Ostrowe can send emails to Dmo, any email that Dmo or Jim$ sends to Ostrowe gets kicked back. Apparently Dial America does not want their employees sending emails to Technical Traffic. This may or may not be due to the ludicrous amount of emails we send everyday.
8:52 Sadly I only have 32 emails waiting for me today, but just so you can get a preview of what is to come, here is a little sample:

M: bah, the Czech Republic is dominating USA. Instead of CNBC they put the game on. Watching all of this running is making me winded
O: bah, I got winded from taking a nap at lunch. what is Rick up to that he is not at work today?
D: bah, they are getting smoked. that last goal was ridiculous! Rick is working at rockland country club today
M: he’s working at rockland country club (dmo said he’s caddying for steve kladis). bah i cant wait to go home and take a nap on jeanette’s titties
O: bah, i could go for some titties myself right about now. i hope rick will enjoy the 40 unread emails he gets when he goes back to work.
M: bah, no rumor. we should try to find more people with email at work, include them on the list, and send more emails, so we can fill up his entire inbox. and then when he finally opens it, he’ll get extremely winded after reading them all
O: bah, that would be hilarious, especially when he gets to these two emails detailing our plan.
M: indeed, hopefully it works out and we make it onto his next title track
O: bah, i am a seasoned veteran of several title tracks
M: good call, im too winded to make it on any of his title tracks
O: ah, understandable, it is quite exhausting. although that quote alone might be title track worthy.
M: very true. hopefully he actually reads all these emails. and hopefully, he doesnt work in his office the next few days so we can really fill him up. and hopefully doug somehow becomes not fatigued so he can actually reply to these as well (N- for clarification he is talking about filling up my inbox with emails….you pervert)
M: 14:08 Man eats 47 cheese sandwiches in 10 min – USA Today

This is a story we inadvertently missed this morning… USA Today reports that a California man, Joey Chestnut, downed 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes this weekend in Las Vegas to set a world record. That’s eleven more sandwiches than the old record of 36. Last month, Chestnut ate 50 hot dogs. Some say he’s a threat to the reigning champ of food stuffing, Japan’s Takeru Kobayashi.
O: bah, that would be fantastic on both counts.
M: titties
i agree, titties

9:00 Togo v. Korea starts. Somewhere Jimmy Han is going nuts
9:08 M: bah, i got fatigued from writing all those emails
9:30 The Jon Miller weekly meeting starts and as I walk in Togo scores. Somewhere people in Togo are trying to figure out where their country is located.
10:30 Book a meeting for Kevin, update the celebrity list for Tahoe, send out some FedEx packages. You know, exciting stuff. Did I mention that I went to Starbucks to get coffee?
10:40 Togo collapses and loses 2-1

D: hard to play with 10 guys….bah, Croatia’s uniforms are hideous. I wonder if they’ll distract Brazil
R: I think after the match they are all going to have a picnic. Ronaldo is bringing the guacamole dip and I hear Ronaldihno’s queso dip is die for

10:43 After seeing a picture of a cheese steak from Pat’s which is now gracing Ostrowe’s desktop at work:

M: bah, I’m now starving
D: have some j’s t’s

10:47 Mar presents us with a moment of lol
M: bah im winded, and i fell asleep at 730 last night (on top of j’s t’s), but before i could sleep on j’s t’s, jimmy was banging her in the bathroom of fitzy’s while wearing a gold plated tie
11:00 I have been working on this puzzle for a good 20 minutes. I’d describe the puzzle to you but it would not make sense to anyone. The key point to take away from this entry is that I have been working on a puzzle for 20 minutes. (By the end of the day I will spend over an hour on it)
bah, I still can’t believe mar walked 30 blocks on Friday
N: I was a witness. Quite remarkable. I blame the fact that NYC has tons of hot chicks who can motivate you to do anything. I believe mar was following a particularly charming young lady on friday
M: bah, very true. she was phenomenal. of course I didn’t have the social skills/balls to talk to her. plus I was winded

I call the NFL to find out if they want me to FedEx a package 5 blocks to their office or have a messenger come and get it. They choose FedEx.
11:30 The printer starts yelling us and it’s screen tells us there is a paper jam, this of course prompts me to scream (as per usual) “Paper jam, paper jam! Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?!” It’s moments like this that keep me sane.
11:35 I get a brief, much-welcomed “hi!!” from Tara. She is off to the beach. Lucky.
11:37 I’m surprised it took so long for a prolonged conversation to get here:
J: bah I will be at work on July 3rd
D: bah, do they pay you an extra 100k for coming in that day? to bring your salary upto 400k.
I will still not be making as much as you do sir
D: you got a 500% pay increase from dial
M: bah I have a half day on the 3rd, off the 4th, and fatigue every other day
D: He bought a rolex for his boss today!

12:00 JJ Redick got arrested for drunk driving last night, awesome. Point Casanova.
12:50 Format a word document for Kevin, deliver the Sports Business Daily to 44 people
there’s a billboard ad over my head at all times that says “bah, I’m fatigued”
J: bah there is a also a sign over dmo’s head that reads World’s Richest and Most Powerful Man
D: that’s a rumor! you make more in 1 hour than I make in 2 weeks!
J: that’s a huge rumor
bah, thats no rumor. i hear that dmo not only won several million from joey o in darts but also his corvette
bah joey o is doing the rowboat on j’s t’s
Children…your bickering
bah, who’s bickering is it, jim$ or dmo? or do the two of them collectively own the bickering?and i wouldn’t be making fun of your grammar if it wasn’t a repeat of the whole “your korean rummy in a cell” debacle

D: Jims is bickering, he just threw 5 100 dollar bills at me to shut up.

The France v. Switzerland game just ended. Good game, this guy on Switzerland just went for a “hand of god” on a free kick in extra time.
2:00 Ostrowe sets the record for longest email of original thoughts ever sent by one of us:
O: bah, my boss keeps antagonizing the crazy guy who sits near me. This guy is legitimately crazy, like one of those bums on the subway, so I’m going to cover my ass. If i get killed it was by Daniel Zollner, and it was because Lisa Vasquez antagonized him. Forward this to the proper authorities.
2:15 Joe Theismann’s office calls me to confirm so Tahoe paperwork
2:30 Tara stops back in to check on the countdown to Rhody and then proceeds to taunt me with stories of her delicious grilled double cheese courtesy of Mrs. Mac
3:00 Brazil v. Croatia. I have been waiting for this all day
3:14 Fill a few merchandise orders
3:30 Late lunch walk with Laura
bah I’m winded
R: mar may be deceased
I can see the obit now….
Mar (may 2, 1982 – june 13, 2006) cause of death: winded.
bah he was so winded
D: that’s a good obit…
a moment of silence for the late mar…

It is hard to concentrate when every five minutes I hear “KAKA!” from the television.
4:03 Mar comes back from the dead to tell us he is beyond fatigued and that I screwed up his birth year
4:20 Mar goes home
4:45 I take the opportunity with my last few minutes at work to destroy Mar’s inbox with a series of one word emails
5:03 I get out of work early today since my dad has a meeting to go to. I am usually here until 6 or 6:30.
5:45 I manage to stay awake for 15 minutes before I fall asleep for most of the car ride home.
6:45 Arrive home to this email from Mar:

M: die. I’m gonna need to use a new email account because of all these. I already have over 800 emails from martys in my trash, not to mention close to 100 that i forgot to delete yet. it’s quite fatiguing

Total number of emails: 138
It’s boring, but it’s my life

2 comments on “A Day in the Life of…..

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