Thursday night while watching football, Pedro informed us that his town’s hick fair would be running until Sunday. Since he and Jon went last year as well, they both spoke very highly of the event. We decided to drive down after class on Friday to attend the festivities and to hopefully find Jon a nice wench. This trip, of course, would lead to a nice running diary.
10:50 After Public Relations, Jon and I walk up the street with Jess. She asks Jon what he has planned for the weekend and after Jon is done explaining everything to her I interrupt him:
Rick: But something is going to go wrong.
Jon: Nah, I don’t think so
Rick: Yea, ok. Really what do you think is going to go wrong?
Jon: Maybe it will rain.
Rick: I’d consider us lucky if we even get there.
2:00 Jon is done for the day but I still have a class at 3:00
3:30 I get a call during class from Jon. He thinks we are leaving at 3:00
3:50 I leave class and stop to get a smoothie
4:25 After a shower, forgetting my sunglasses, forgetting my ID, forgetting my contact lens solution, and forgetting a blanket (a.k.a. a hoodie) we finally make it to the car and are ready to leave
4:26 Jon’s car won’t start. How expected. This could be a quick end to the running diary, but instead I take it as further proof that a running diary is needed.
4:30 For some reason Jon has decided to take the longest way possible to get to the highway. He literally went about 10 miles out of the way. He blames this on the fact he never takes 91 South.
4:45 A few miles outside of Hartford we hit our first rush hour traffic snare.
5:00 It starts……..
Jon: Hey watch this
(He lets go of the wheel and the car jerks to the right)
5:01 I take a look out the window and see that the right front tire is exceptionally low. Of course we are now sitting in traffic a mile before our exit. We make the smart decision saying that we will get off on the next exit and stop off at a gas station. Sadly the next exit isn’t for another two miles.
5:03 I take the time to make sure the rest of the world knows what happened to us.
Jon’s car had a flat. He killed us.
Tara I blame Jon, you should too.
5:04 I’m an idiot. I decide we should pass up the Willow Street exit because it doesn’t sound to welcoming and instead drive an extra quarter mile to High St/Main St. Over that quarter mile span I am staring out the window at the injured tire. I try to tell Jon that his hubcap may come off at any moment, but before I can finish my sentence the hubcap explodes off and shoots backwards into the trailing traffic. Immediately the right side of the car is enveloped in smoke. Luckily we had anticipated this happening and Jon was going 50 mph at the time. The exit ramp was about 300 feet away so Jon skillfully guided the wounded horse down the ramp. We pulled off at the bottom and all I could muster was a dejected: “How expected.”
5:05 We get out of the car and Jon thinks of calling AAA. I tell him that we can fix this ourselves but he informs me that he doesn’t have a spare tire. I take a look in his trunk and find the spare exactly where it should be. Jon then tells me that he doesn’t have a jack. I find a jack. Jon tells me he doesn’t have a wrench. I find a wrench.
5:22 We are back on the road; however we can’t drive over 50 mph.
5:30 It pains Jon to drive this slowly on the highway.
5:45 I’m starving and desperately craving Pizza Hut
5:55 We are approaching Pedro’s house driving down a quaint county road. For some reason the road has a single yellow line down the middle. If this street is a main road, it makes Kings Highway look like an expressway. I then wonder out loud if Pedro has cows in his backyard.
6:05 Jon warns me not to curse in Pedro’s house. I unleash a ton of (Kenny’s Hot Sister)’s outside of the house
6:10 Arrive at Pedro’s house; sadly there are no cows in his backyard.
6:15 I’m seeing an awful lot of walking and not enough Pizza Hut
6:16 Jon is currently trying to explain that his car didn’t stall when we were leaving SC. Pedro shoots him a “so you turned the key and the engine didn’t turn over and you had to start again……how is that not stalling.” Jon has no response.
6:20 We enter the town of Hebron. Now I am torn here. Do I make a Hebron = Jon + Hebrew joke or do I take it in the Lebron direction. Also little known fact Hebron is home to the Gay City State Park. I’m not making this up.
6:27 Flashback to one day last year when we had this conversation:
K: Have you guys ever successfully brought up butt sex with your girlfriend?
R: I think that’s kinda gross
R: Wait a sec, you asked your girlfriend didn’t you
6:28 We decided to park at nearby Rham High School, home of the Rams. No joke.
6:34 High school plan aborted. For some reason we decide sitting in a line of traffic is more desirable. Although while sitting in traffic we pass by a house with a stone dog tethered to a stake.
6:41 I catch a lot of (Kenny’s Hot Sister) for singing Definitely Maybe. But then we realize how much Jon’s life sucks since he gets (Kenny’s Hot Sister) on all the time.
6:43 We park on some random front lawn which features a vampire-esque cross planted right next to the mail box.
6:46 Jon avoids a punch from Pedro but jumps into oncoming traffic and gets hit by a car.
Then Pedro awakes from his daydream
6:51 Flashback back during Super Bowl weekend there was a rule made that Jon, Brian and Pedro we not allowed to call their significant others more than two times a day. Wierd, this applies to me this time
7:08 My stomach is messed up, those three doughnuts I just pounded was a bad choice. Eating anything from this fair is going to have dire consequences. Odds are I’m going to need to be carried home.
7:15 Of course the person in front of me on line just bought the last slice of pizza, now I’m going to need to wait even longer to eat.
7:30 Flashback to the previous day when Pedro and I went to play tennis. Randomly we walk onto the court and playing next to us is OFT. He is playing with this random chick I have never seen before. Apparently they just met since they were talking about majors and what year they were. Then about ten minutes later the girl offers to give OFT a full body massage. Only fucking Todd.
7:40 We adopt the “No Homo” rule from Opie and Anthony. Saying No Homo can excuse you from any action or statement which is rather homosexual.
7:49 We sit down to watch a demolition car race. We sit behind these two girls who we want Jon to talk to. Odds are that he won’t talk to them.
7:52 Flashback: the other day I was driving behind a car which had “R.I.P Nick” painted in the window. I’m not going to lie, it was kind of creepy.
7:59 I have been watching this for ten minutes now and I haven’t started betting on it. I may be sicker than I thought
8:01 Jon owes Pedro $7.50. Pedro is hoping to be paid in blumpkins, but those have been deemed way to expensive. It is determined $7.50 can only get his balls rubbed by Jon’s feet for an hour
8:05 Jon: “Radio smells a lot like Pedro’s nuts.” I’m not going to touch that one with a ten foot pole
8:08 This fair is the home of tens of thousands of little hooahs. If I have a daughter she’s not leaving my sight until she’s 20. Hopefully by that time there are flying cameras I can use so I don’t have to actually follow her.
8:10 Jon isn’t even drunk and he is trying to rationalize his love life. After 15 minutes of nonsense we inform him that he hasn’t come up with one rational thought yet. He simplifies it to “I’m going to pretend I have a girl friend so I don’t pine over radio”
8:17 The diary just says “I threw up in my mouth. The burning rubber smell doesn’t help.” I wonder what made me throw up in my mouth. It couldn’t have been too bad since I didn’t throw up in my brain.
8:30 Pedro pays a dollar to see a 29 inch tall woman. He tries to set her up with Jon. Turns out she has a boyfriend.
8:36 Pedro and I start to try to sell Jon like a carnie freak. “Come see Jon Mermer. He floats like a butterfly and it stings when he pees”
8:40 We walk past a smoothie stand and see a sign advertising free refills. We are immediately intrigued. Of course as we get closer we see that we can have unlimited half-price refills. Pedro buys a small smoothie and upon taking the first sip he realizes that unlimited half-price refills only apply to mediums and larges. We are retarded. Jon gives in and buys a medium.
8:55 We stop off at the deep fried Twinkies stand and Jon and Pedro buy one of the devil’s treats. The entire booth stares at the two of them in eager anticipation. They basically look like the Planet Wings employees when some tough little kid orders nuclear wings.
9:10 We head back over to the smoothie shack. The smoothie girl tells us that she makes the best cappuccino smoothie, so of course we test it out. It is terrible.
9:20 Who would have thought that we wouldn’t see our first mullet until now?
9:22 For $2 that guy will show you his balls.
9:28 We bid the hick fair ado. I am still walking on my own because I was smart. I had three slices of pizza, a hot dog, a pepsi, a bottle of water and a smoothie, but I paced myself.
9:54 We stop off at Butterballs, a hick bar in a strip mall that wishes it was Fitzy’s.
10:00 So we walk in and we are the only people under the age of 50 and everyone is either a biker or a crack whore. I gave them my ID and after five minutes of vigorous testing I am handed an age verification permit so I sign it and put it on the bar.
10:05 The bar maid comes back to our table with the permit in hand:
BM: Hun, it’s not 8:00 PM
R: Oh, I thought you wanted me to put the time I was born
P: That’s a little much isn’t it?
BM: It doesn’t matter unless his mama is sitting next to him
R: This guy has a vagina does that count?
10:10 I steal someone’s credit in the Megatouch machine and now Megncharlie have the high score in sports trivia
10:15 We start playing pool but there is a half dead fat guy sitting at the end of the table which makes playing pool pretty difficult.
10:25 This place has a live band playing making it a wannabe Fitzy’s mixed with Frankie’s, mixed with Knights of Columbus Bingo night.
10:40 Yup, that woman is wearing leather chaps
11:00 We leave Butterballs and head back to Pedro’s for some late night poker fun. Pedro brings two decks out from his room. One a standard red Bicycle deck, the other features a large Puerto Rican Flag and a Coqui. Jon refuses to use the PR cards since they may be a kindred spirit of mine.
11:20 Pedro’s cat jumps onto Jon and he instantly complains.
J: I hate cats
R: I hate fish
J: Do you know John Edwards hates fish?
R: No comment
11:30 Jon is the King of Excuses but he is off his game a bit after he re-uses his “I just had eye surgery” excuse from a year ago. Pedro starts to imitate Jon but quickly stops. Jon urges him to continue the impersonation: “Do me then you’ll be like Mr. Garrison”
11:38 Jon starts a debate with himself over whether he would rather give or receive a blumpkin from Pedro. In the background I am collapsing on account of windedness.
11:42 Someone says “I’m going to strip you dry.” The running diary doesn’t indicate who but there exists no context where that can’t be misconstrued.
12:00 Only Pedro and I are left, but since I am so winded before Pedro even deals me a card I throw all my chips into the pot. After the dust settles I win the hand and the $10 pot. Bah I am winded.
After the game I went straight to bed and rumor has it Pedro and Jon tried to watch a movie but that only lasted a good nine minutes. The next day we got breakfast and went on a trip to fix Jon’s tire. It was pretty ridiculous, it was literally a two and a half hour ordeal going to and from the tire shop, and we were only in the store for like 20 minutes. Miraculously we made it back to SC in one piece with nothing else going wrong. Good times overall though.