Retro Post: Preakend 2005

Once again in an effort to consolidate everything to this blog, we take a look into the past…..


Welcome to the ill-fated
Running Diary of the 2005 PREAKEND

This years trip has the possibility of being better than any trip in the past. However, since we are involved it has the possibility of going up in flames in a flash. The plan for this year is to head down to Laurel, MD on Friday May 20th, Preakness on Saturday, and finally the Mar State graduation on Sunday. Also on the docket on Sunday is for us to pick up Rick’s parents at Laguardia Airport at 5 pm.

Thursday May 19

10:18 pm – Piccinich Effect. It is still over 18 hours before we plan to leave and already trouble is finding us. Over the years we have learned to leave our planning for the last minute, not because we procrastinate, but rather because it minimizes the number of things that can go wrong. Originally we were going to leave at 9:00 am after dropping Rick’s parents off at the airport but then Dmo informed us that no one would be at their apartment until 7 pm to let us in. We settle upon the departure time of 6:30 pm.

Friday May 20

7:15 am – Rick wakes up from dream in which he was driving down the “Christian Slater Sucks Expressway” in Afghanistan on his way to see a movie for $3.19 while eating a slice of pizza which costs $8.00 which is much cheaper than that $9.00 slice in New York, so that he can drive his family to the airport
10:04 am – While leaving the supermarket Rick doubles back to buy a $5.00 Lotto ticket. He immediately regrets the decision
2:38 pm – The Rick gets antsy, wants to move departure time up 3 hours. Ostrowe agrees and promises to be ready in an hour.
3:15
– While eating at Valley Pizza Rick runs into some guy he used to work with. It’s obvious that neither of us knows the others name
3:32
– Arrive at Ostrowe’s just in time to watch him eat a bowl of easy mac
3:40
– Attempt to leave Ostrowe’s house
3:41
– Car won’t start, key doesn’t turn. (R – How many Piccinichs does it take to start a car?)
3:42
– Call Rick’s dad to find out that we have to jiggle the wheel to start the car (Great Start Bud)
3:43
– Finally leave Ostrowe’s driveway
4:06
– First traffic jam.
4:17
– We drive past Royal Clubs Condos – An Active Adult Community. No lazy old people welcome.
4:18
– Pass Milhouse Van Houten Avenue.
4:33
– After nearly a half hour of trying, Ostrowe finally gets someone to look at one of our signs; unfortunately, he doesn’t care that Ostrowe is friends with Merlin Olsen.
4:47
– Rick observes that the name “Springfield” automatically denotes suckiness; Ostrowe observes that tunnels do not lend themselves well to running diaries.
4:51
– We get Office Spaced for the first time.
5:01
– The car hits 55 mph for the first time in a half hour.
5:07 – People refuse to look at our humorous signs (R – In the diary this line starts off with “bad idea” referring to the fact that I wrote it while I was driving)
5:11 – Rick makes Note to self: Check inspection sticker ass (R – I am writing this on Monday and I have yet to check the sticker, and right now I am too busy to go outside and check it, when I finally checked it on Wednesday it was a month and a half over due)
5:12 – Way2BZ is a gay license plate
5:15 – We get a hot chick to look at our signs; she is highly amused. We manage to hit her with four: “I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL”, “PEOPLE KNOW ME”, “I’M VERY IMPORTANT”, and “I HAVE MANY LEATHERBOUND BOOKS”. She even makes a sign of her own in retaliation, unfortunately she makes the rookie mistake of writing it in pen.
5:57 – Over/under on time of first drunken phone call to Mar on Saturday set at 12:30pm (Over wins)
6:20 – We get flipped off by an old Mexican woman with a “Life is short, Pray Hard” bumper sticker in retaliation to Rick pretending to knock on the car window. We start laughing hysterically, which causes her entire family, including the two little kids in the backseat to flip us off as well. Ostrowe responds by showing them the “YOU ARE A SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER” sign.
6:40 – Food/gas/potty break (R – If I remember correctly this was in New Jersey which if you can’t keep track, we have been on the road for 3 hours and we still are in New Jersey. It normally takes 3.5 to reach Doug’s apartment)
6:54
– Successful gas station trip. We guessed what side the gas tank was on. Ostrowe tells some schwoogie that his apartment smells of a rich mahogany, and he has many leather bound books….etc……
6:59 – Rick gets a call from Sara in which she tells of a new shirt she bought which makes her boobs square, as a result Ostrowe officially changes her name to Sara Squareboobs
7:03 – We witness a bumper sticker that has the letters MV circled in pink and green. We surmise that MV clearly stands for “My Vagina.”
7:13
– We pass the Schwoogie from the gas station and she tells us that her husband has heard of us
7:38
– We pass a car with a Massachusetts license plate with a Red Sox logo on it. Ostrowe informs them via sign that “BOSTON STILL SUCKS.” They speed up to pass us with a sign that says “JETER SWALLOWS” and one that appears to be a crude drawing of a Yankee fan with a penis in his mouth. We pass them again and Ostrowe responds with a sign that lets them know “WE’RE METS FANS”. They shrug their shoulders as if to say they have no response. When they pass us once more, Ostrowe crosses the line with an “I GAVE THE COKE TO LEN BIAS” sign. They start ignoring us after that. (for good reason)
8:10
– We make our first and last ever stop at the Delaware rest area; possibly our last stop in the entire state of Delaware ever.
8:12
– Rick: “Worst. Rest stop. Ever.”
8:18
– Ostrowe- “I wonder what they are doing with all this toll money, they are clearly not using it to……” (O – It’s now Wednesday and I still don’t have a good way to finish this sentence)
8:28
– An hour away from Laurel.
Rick: “I hope we make it another hour on this tank.”
Ostrowe: “How could we not make it? We have more than half a tank. Fuck, I just invited the wrath of the Piccinich effect.
8:32
– Over/under on Rick mumbling something incoherant in his sleep set at 1am Saturday Morning. (Over wins)
9:38
– Arrive at Westgate (6 hours after leaving NY), Ostrowe steps into a rain filled pothole exiting Rick’s car.
9:43 – Ostrowe tells Rick that Dmo lives in 156 so as Rick knocks on the door Ostrowe proceeds to walk in 158 (R – Dick)
10:03 – Liquor store door closes on Dmo’s face and he proceeds to scream profanities at the owner. This moment brought to you by Rick’s delay at the stop sign 2 minutes earlier.
11:00
– Smack down (the video game) has officially ruined the Preakend, who knows when we are going to stop
11:15
– Dmo: “BP, I thought you were gonna get the multiplayer adapter on the way home from work?”
BP: “Yeah, I don’t know what happened, I guess I didn’t buy it.” (O- It’s so much better when your hear BP’s delivery, it can only be imitated)

Saturday May 21

12:07 am – BP: “Wow that chair is so bent out of shape you could almost sit in it” (R – Who knew chairs were for sitting)
12:15 – Dmo and Rick tap out, Ostrowe and BP start their 3 stages of hell match
1:45 – BP wins an epic 1.5 hour last man standing match (O – Ridiculous)

PREAKNESS SATURDAY MORNING

Joining Rick, Dmo, and Ostrowe at the Preakness will be Poppers, Jurgen, Eddie O, and Murph

7:15 – Dmo and Ostrowe wake up and play a Royal Rumble
7:47 – Dmo has a vodka cranberry, Jurgen proclaims he will be in the first vehicle to leave for Pimlico
8:00 – Rick, Ostrowe and Dmo leave for Pimlico, Jurgen is no where to be found
8:08 – We pull out of Westgate, passing a Chevorlet Trailblazer in the parking lot. That’s right, ChevORlet. That’s what it said on the car.
8:12 – We stop at Giant where Dmo and Ostrowe simultaneously suggest Rick purchase Lunchables.
8:52
– Rick blatantly runs a light that was red for at least 5 seconds. (R – I still claim it was more towards a pink)
9:00
– Arrive at the shady alley that has treated us so well in the past three years
9:04
– Rick forgets ticket in car
9:15
– Tony a.k.a. Virgil grabs cooler. (At Pimlico on Preakness Saturday thousands of mini schwoogies wait outside to offer all the drunkards a hand with their heavy coolers. Last year we were suckers and carried out cooler the entire mile to the track entrance, this year Virgil gave us a hand for only $5 plus the $5 tip we gave him. Sweet deal)
9:17
– Rick introduces himself to Virgil.
Rick: “What’s your name buddy?”
Virgil: “Tony.” (R – They have a weird southern dialect in Baltimore)
Rick: “Nice to meet you Tony. I’m Marty, and these are my friends Marty, and Marty.”
Virgil: “Wow, you guys are all named Marty?”
Ostrowe: “Yeah, that’s how we met.” (R – That doesn’t really explain anything)
9:22 – Marty Piccinich signs up as a designated driver
Rick: I’m a DD, what do I have to do to get a free hat
Lady: Just sign up on this list
Rick: Wait, I don’t have to drive other people home do I
Lady: Nope
Rick: Good, can I have my free hat now….please
9:25 – Rick loses free hat
9:30 – Finally arrive in the infield
9:34 – Rick makes another note to self: Call Maxx at 12:00. Rick accosted by a bagel (R – once again a note I wrote to myself in the running diary, and once again a note I totally ignored. My bad
9:36
– A 5 foot in diameter Frisbee circle forms
9:37
– The circle dissipates
9:51
– The first Korean Rummy hand of the day. The over/under for the number of times that people will ask us if we are playing Texas Hold’em is set at 20 (under wins)
10:02

“Where’s the pisser?”
“Just use the fence” (Mind you that stand directly on the other side of the fence is Baltimore’s
finest)
10:16 – Boobies (R – This one chick was wearing a shirt which said ‘Yes they are real” and she would flash the crowd about a million more times after this but I only gave the show about a 5)
10:36 – Dmo ignores the keen advice of Hacksaw Mark and sprints out of the gate (referring to his early Korean Rummy Championship Match lead)
10:31 – What the hell? A horse just flew by. (R – Hey asshole we are at a horserace remember?)
10:50
– Hopkins chicks sitting behind us ask us why we need so much space for four more people. Ostrowe replies “You should see Eddie O, he’s freaking huge”
11:15
– Jurgen and the gang are officially cum whores for being slow mother fuckers (R – they said they would be leaving at 9, and this is the Preakness, what were they waiting for? They need to get their priorities straight)
11:22 – Rick throws his cards down in disgust
11:23 – The cum whores arrive, they add a late entry to the running diary…
9:50 Murph (at dunkin donuts) “I’ll have this bottle of water and………..that banana” The entire store stopped, no one understood what they had heard, but the banana was rung up as an “extra dry topping”
11:25 – Biggest Boobies Ever
(R – These things were enormous. She wound up flashing the crowd one more time and then leaving because she was being heckled so much, but it was her own fault. You don’t come to Preakness with those things dressed in a skimpy bikini and expect not to be heckled. They get an 8 just due to sheer size although they are not my cup of tea)
11:34 – Dmo tries to hit Poppers with the Frisbee, he ducks and it hits Random Guy A
11:35 – Ric Flair Chop (R – I didn’t sell it)
11:37 – Jurgen the Hit Man Hart shows up to mourn the late Owen Hart

11:40 – Everyone agrees that The Big H is hot (O – The Big H was a petite Hopkins chick with a red bikini and a hat with an “H” on it. Her face kinda resembled Schwawa if only Schwawa was good looking and didn’t have huge gums)
11:41 – First Casualty (R – I’m guessing this was someone being carried out on a stretcher and when that usually happens people scream at him like he is a horse running in a race)
11:43 – Ostrowe and Poppers solve the puzzle, the answer was http://www.Carteretmorgage.com, Gutter show em what they have won
11:56 – Two girls take their shirts off and perform the most viewed chest bump this side of the Mississippi
12:00 pm – Dmo has wondered off by himself already and has been gone for 15 minutes
12:01 – Eddie O gets pantsed by Jurgen. Jurgen proclaims “He looks like Saddam but with a smaller penis”
12:20
– Rick and Ostrowe stop at Black Eyed Susan vendor to get souvenier glass. Ostrowe has the following conversation with the schwoogie behind the counter.
Ostrowe: “Can I get a Black Eyed Schwoogie?”
Schwoogie: “What? You mean Black Eyed Susie.”
Ostrowe: “Yeah, that too.”
12:33
– Unanimous decision that this is the best weather ever for a horse race
12:36
– Jurgen is hammered
Who will be more hammered by the end of the day?
Ostrowe – 12 votes
Jurgen – 2 votes (R – Even strangers were voting for Ostrowe, maybe they favored his nice eyes?)
12:41 – Ostrowe starts drinking vodka cranberry out of his one gallon bottle
12:42 – Poppers tries to pee on the fence but is met by cries of “noooooooooo” from chubby guy. It’s good to make your enemies early
12:45
– That kid is so emo (O – This group of emo kids sat down in front of us. This one kid was so emo, if you want to know how much more emo he could be, the answer would be none. None more emo.)
12:46 – Chubby guy tries to apologize for being an ass, Jurgen will have nothing of it, Ostrowe says “If this guy doesn’t get out of my face I am going to give him the stunner”
12:56 – Drunkenness Race opened up to all entries; Ostrowe is the favorite is win, Jurgen is the favorite to place and Dmo is the front runner to show. Poppers and Eddie O trail the pack
1:00 – Ostrowe runs into a guy who has a real version of his shirt
1:05 – Ostrowe tries to brutalize Rick with a chair shot but event staff R2’s his attack
1:06 – Ostrowe starts telling girls that they are wearing too much clothes
1:07 – Jurgen proclaims he will be back by the sixth race
1:15 – Chick pees on fence
1:16 – Boobies
1:20
– Poppers launches an unprovoked attack on the Chinese people next to us
“What are these Chinese Chickens? Is this a buffet? It’s the Preakness not the Chinese Derby. This is the Fucking Preakness not the God damn Tokyo Dome. Fusaichi Pegasus isn’t running today………………………I might show” (R- these Chinese people did nothing but sit next to us, even we didn’t say any degrading comments about them, Poppers just started ranting out of nowhere for no apparent reason) (O – even I thought Poppers was out of line and that’s saying something
1:24 – Some guy in a Michigan State shirt walks by, Poppers loves his shirt and takes 5 minutes to tell him so
1:28 – Ostrowe – “Poppers if we were trying to pick up guys, you’d be our MVP.” Ostrowe prematurely declares this to be his line of the day. Read on and decide for yourself if he was right.
1:29
– Testicle Guy makes Ostrowe the first winner of the day. Jurgen did not make it back for the sixth race
1:43 – Jurgen spears Poppers, or as my dad said, tries to act out Ostrowe’s shirt
1:46 – Jurgen’s phone apparently says some degrading things to him and he throws it for the first time
1:50 – Rick bets on the big race, doesn’t bet box Trifecta of Alex, Giacomo and Scrappy due to desire to have enough money to pay for the ride back
2:08 – Frisbee is gone
2:10 – Boobies
2:11 – Dmo pisses his pants a.k.a. he gets shoved into a porta potty
2:16 – Another hot chick walks by and Rick fails to get her attention
Poppers: “You blew it Rick
Rick: “If she had a penis you could have talked to her”
2:18 – Murph pronounced dead, partying with Reagan
2:20
Rick: “We should tell people that someone died”
Ostrowe: “Gerald Ford
Rick: “Too simple, it makes sense”
Ostrowe: “Chevy Chase
Rick: “hahahahahahaha, perfect”
Rick: “Hey mom. What? Chevy Chase
died? You’re kidding me. Of what? That’s terrible.” (hangs up phone) “Chevy Chase just died.”
2:25
– The rumor spreads like wildfire. (R – I blame the schools)
2:30 – Dmo vows to never take another Vegas Vacation; Ostrowe successfully feigns outrage: “What the hell is wrong with you, the guy hasn’t even been dead for 20 minutes!”
2:32 – Guy from Queens, who placed bets on Scrappy T because “he had the largest nuts” (Scrappy T is a gelding which means he has no balls), thinks it’s cool to be an asshole to random girls by pushing them into his pool. (R – He apparently read my website and took it all to heart)
2:45
– At least 200 people will know about the late Chevy Chase. (Most people are shocked, one guy immediately said that he must have been on drugs and the heart attack was a cover up)
2:56
– Jurgen is alive. He informs us that he has three important things to tell us. Who knows what they are? Not Jurgen.
2:59
– Jurgen/Ostrowe I – Ostrowe attempts to spear Jurgen. Jurgen manages to fight him off and wrestle him to the ground with a bag of chips in his hand. Jurgen is declared victorious and a truce is declared; Ostrowe waits 4 seconds before violating the truce with a brutal Flair chop.
3:00 – Dmo: “I only notice the horses when the people start screaming”
Ostrowe: “I notice that the chick in the blue is fat”
3:03 – Two people start making out and Jurgen walks over to give the chick tips on the proper way to kiss a guy
3:13 – Rick: “It’s so damn hot but at least I won everyone’s Maryland Hold’em Money.”
3:34 – First Aid working overtime, 3 dead in last 20 minutes
3:36 – Jurgen picks a fight with emo guys (R – good thing he walked away because those kids were way too emo for him)
3:40 – Jurgen launches cookies into crowd
3:50 – Poppers pronounced dead
3:53 – Hot chick walks by and as Rick stares at her ass the wind blows her skirt up to reveal that she isn’t wearing underwear. (R – Apparently word hasn’t reached God that we are the worst people ever
4:00
– Dmo flatulates in Rick’s general direction
4:02
– Ostrowe punches the beer out of Eddie O’s hand (O – I really thought this happened earlier in the day. But then again I really had no idea what was going on.
4:03
– Save of the Century: Jurgen trips over the cooler and somehow manages to not go ass over face
4:06
– Jurgen throws phone again and screams that “Hopkins Fucking Sucks”. Jurgen/Ostrowe II: This Time It’s Personal – Jurgen attempts to spear Ostrowe. Ostrowe blocks the spear and counters it into a DDT. Ostrowe declared victorious. Truce is called, this time no Flair chops.
4:07
– Murph comes back from the dead and appears out of thin air to pour beer on Dmo. Jurgen takes offense to it and proceeds to show Murph the proper way to pour beer on Dmo and the beer war erupts. Running Diary survives a scare
4:10
– Poppers still dead, Dmo, Ostrowe and Jurgen dissapear into oblivion (O – We were going to visit chicks. Hard to believe but true nonetheless.)
4:18 – On walk to visit chicks, Jurgen swipes 30 pack of Bud Light from frat-looking guys without breaking stride; frat guys don’t notice until it is too late.
4:20
– Poppers is alive, another dead person is carried by and Poppers is the only one who cares
4:21
– Dmo, Ostrowe and Jurgen arrive at chicks’ campsite. Ostrowe is introduced as Ostrowe, chicks are confused.
4:25
– Poppers shouts obscenities at and thus scares away a feeble Bernie Williams
4:27
– Ostrowe sits down on 30 pack which then collapses. Ostrowe then begins using 30 pack as footrest and using the chicks’ cooler as a pillow. In an unprovoked attack, Dmo kicks Jurgen in the face for absolutely no reason and the two begin wrestling in the dirt as the chicks scream at them to stop.
4:30
– Kentucky Derby lesbian look-alike spotted
4:31
– One of the chicks, Jen, makes the mistake of initiating a conversation with Ostrowe.
Jen: “So your name is Ostrowe?”
Ostrowe: “Yeah.”
Jen: “What’s your last name?
Ostrowe: “Ostrowe.”
Jen: “So what’s your first name?”
Ostrowe: “I don’t want to tell you, its gay.”
Jen: “Come on, just tell me.”
Ostrowe: “. . . Marty.”
4:36
– In yet another unprovoked attack, Dmo kicks the cooler out from under Ostrowe’s head.
4:40
– Poppers admits he had a crush on the MSU guy
4:41
– Jen: “This sucks, guys have been molesting me all day.”
Ostrowe: “Why?”
Jen: “Because of my shirt.”
Ostrowe: (notices her shirt says “Squeeze Me”) “Ooh, can I squeeze you?”
Jen: “NO!”
Ostrowe: (tries to molest Jen)
4:50
– Professor Poppers Revelation of the day®
“Every teen likes rap, not every teen likes Audioslave. Rock is too segregated” Pahhhh
4:54 – Dmo, Jurgen and Ostrowe return
4:56 – Ostrowe fully approves of Eddie O’s crotch (O – I was going to try and write an explanation of this but it just made me sound gayer)
5:00 – Ostrowe: “These guys are so loaded they passed out….that’s totally emo”
5:05 – Jurgen: “What is that thing?”
Ostrowe: “It’s practically the fetal position”
Jurgen: “No, your drink”
Ostrowe: “oh”
5:06 – Football flies from oblivion (or the beyond) and strikes Eddie O
5:07 – Jurgen drops his drink and goes on a Godzilla like rampage destroying the final game of Korean Rummy thus ruining everyone fun.
5:09 – My boy blue shows up mumbles more incoherent sentences than Rick in his sleep
5:11 – Jurgen takes his pants………………offffffffffff
5:12 – Poppers: “Murph is dead”
Ostrowe: “He’s more alive than Chevy Chase”

5:20 – Sweet Murph Teriyaki (O – Murph was lying on the ground with a Subway wrapper covering his face)
5:30 – A guy in his skivvies runs and dives into a kiddie pool that he has no relation to
Rick: “It must be nice to be in a state where that seems like a good idea”
5:32 – Some guy walks by with a shirt that says he went to Belmont in 1989. (R – I was six, he is at least 36 and still partying in the infield)
5:34
– Jurgen dons Ricks coat for no apparent reason and throws his phone again
5:36
– Ostrowe: (to some girls) “You need a place to sit? My face is open”
5:38
– Moment of silence for Murph denied
5:40 – Rick: “Hey look, that chick’s hot. But she’s smoking. :-(”
Ostrowe: “Who, Smokey Smokerstein
over there?” (R – Normally when a girl smokes she automatically loses ten points on a scale of ten with me, however, Smokey Smokerstein managed to be an exception)
5:47 – Emo kids begin Screaming Infidelities at each other
5:48 – Ostrowe: “Blondie, Blackie sit on my face”
5:50 – EMO FIGHT!
5:52
– Ostrowe: “Jimmy is gay.” (R – This was Ostrowe’s rebuttal to the fact that Jimmy would not be present on the booze cruise)
5:52 – Ostrowe hits on a chick who takes a rest in Eddie O’s chair
5:55 – Ostrowe’s Emo Meter breaks (R – This guy wasn’t very emo) (O – No wonder my emo meter broke, those kids sitting in front of us were too emo for it to handle)
6:00 – Ostrowe’s voice cracks
6:05 – Poppers: “ Giacomo’s mother is a whore, she fucks for money”

Everyone boos Giacomo
6:07
– Ostrowe writes his web address on some chicks arm
6:08 – Jurgen begins to pick a fight with Eddie O. Murph says he won’t do anything because Eddie O is passive
6:15
– Fight of the Century breaks out
Fisticuffs, Tom O’Leary, Jack Johnson all present
One guy grabs a folding chair and wreaks havoc on people’s heads and backs. Blood everywhere. The fight begins to settle down, the catalyst is restrained but some asshole lands a sucker haymaker to the catalyst’s face
6:16 – Ostrowe stuns Poppers (Poppers sells it)
6:18 – Fight of the Century breaks out again, more of the same
6:20 – Eddie O’s Chair threatens to slam Ostrowe’s face into a car windshield and then take his Mom out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again

Coach O’Shea’s chair never stood a chance. It even sold the stunner better than Dmo did after the NBA Draft.

6:22 – Disappointment, Rick’s un-bet $3 Trifecta hits, pays out $872 for every $2. 26 years without a Triple Crown winner
6:30 – Ostrowe spits on Rick’s jacket, Rick punches him, Ostrowe retaliates with a stunner, Rick doesn’t sell it (O – I don’t remember this. I don’t remember this at all)
7:00
– Recap of the walk back:
Ostrowe falls on his face while carrying the cooler
Inappropriate comments made by Ostrowe:

Schwoogie: “Anyone want to donate money to firefighters?”
Ostrowe: “Sorry I don’t speak Negro”
Rick: “I don’t know this kid, he just paid me to carry his cooler.”

“Take your top off”

Rick: “Hey look a Mustang”
Ostrowe: “Hey look a cheesy moustache……yea that’s right. I’m talking to you” (R – The guy was standing right next to us)

“Hey I want to have sex with your mouth”

“I want to touch your dirty parts”
7:30 – While driving on I-95:
Rick: (while on the phone with Sara he looks over at Ostrowe) “What the Fuck are you doing! Are you trying to pee out the window?”
Ostrowe: (arrogantly) “Yeah”
7:31
– Rick pulls over and Ostrowe walks 100 yards into the woods to pee (Post Script – 3 weeks later)
7:48
– Return to Westgate. While standing outside of the car Rick and Ostrowe decide to leave the cooler in the car, Dmo just walks over and picks it up and carries it inside
7:50 – After seeing a picture of Sara, Ostrowe proclaims,
“I want to pee on Sara Squareboobs” (O – I don’t remember saying this. Sara, I apologize. Unless you are into that sort of thing, then we can work something out.)
8:00 – Rick barely has enough money to get home, so lets go to Olive Garden
8:05 – Dmo tells us about the Formal Ric Flair Chop, it’s delicate and features a grab at the end
8:10 – Ostrowe: “Thanks for holding the door Mr. Negro” (R – We should be dead)
8:13 – We decide not to wait 40 minutes at Olive Garden, but neglect to return the beeper they give us. Dmo thinks it’s a good idea to walk across Route 1
8:20 – While driving across the street, Ostrowe passes out chanting “Big Lenny”
8:22 – Ostrowe passes out at Ledo’s, Dmo hits him with menu
8:23 – Ostrowe: (to waitress) “I just want you to write down on your notepad that this guy (Rick) likes to have sex with men”
8:25 – Waitress falls for Chevy Chase “joke”
8:26 – It’s official, no one should ever talk to us, we are the worst people ever
8:40 – Food comes, Ostrowe leaves. Hilarity ensure watching Ostrowe try to find the car in his state
9:00
– Rick: (to Ostrowe) “Why the hell are you pants off”
Ostrowe: “I was walking back to the car and they just fell off, I tried to stop them. They are just poorly constructed”
9:04 – The beeper starts going off, our table is ready at Olive Garden
11:13 – Rick declares that we will NOT make it to Mar’s graduation tomorrow
11:20 – Our table is still ready
11:45 – Dmo goes to bed without playing anymore Korean Rummy

Sunday May 22

12:07 am – Still playing Smackdown. Officially not going to Graduation
12:15 – Ostrowe wins last pants standing match (R – I know this sounds gay but I assure you it’s not)
12:16 – Ostrowe crashes into Rick’s good knee…..clearly a lie
4:08 – Rick mumbles inaudible sentence in his sleep
7:00 – Rick awakes as Murph and Eddie O leave and he tells Ostrowe that he was glad we left an hour ago for Mar State
7:30 – CSI is called in to figure out who drowned the Olive Garden beeper in the sink
8:30 – Dmo points out that we could still probably make it to Mar’s graduation; we decide to sit around playing Smackdown for 4 hours instead of making the attempt.
9:00 – We’re only an hour from Mar State, but somehow we are still playing Smackdown in MD
10:00
– Mar calls Rick. (R – In the background all I could hear was the graduation that we were not at)
Rick: “Happy Graduation”
Mar: “What?” (Hangs up)
12:00
– Instead of leaving for NY, Rick and Dmo go out to look for cables for camera/TV connection.
12:20 pm – Rick realizes his phone is gone
1:00 – Korean Rummy controversy but finally the belt has come back to Rockland

Official Scorecard of the Preakness Korean Rummy Championship 5/21/05
Dmo Rick Ostrowe
-.25 -.50 +.75
+.50 -.75 +.25
+1.25 -1.00 -.25
+2.00 -1.50 -.50
+3.25 -1.75 -1.50
+4.75 -2.75 -2.00
+6.25 -3.25 -3.00
+7.50 -4.25 -3.25
+7.25 -5.25 -2.00
+3.25 -.25 -3.00
+3.00 -1.25 -1.75
+2.00 EVEN -2.00
+2.75 -.25 -2.50
+2.50 +1.00 -3.50
+2.25 +1.75 -4.00
+2.00 +1.25 -3.25
+1.50 +2.00 -3.50
The winner and NEW Korean Rummy Champion, The Rick
(R – I’d like to thank Jurgen and Buddy C for making this possible)

1:16 – Rick: “I am a reckless abandon.”
1:34 – We get passed by a car with a “BURGNDY” license plate; surprisingly we don’t get hit in the face with a burrito.
1:50
– We pass a Bobby’s Potty on the side of the road.
2:26 – We pass an Ashy Larry lookalike with a “HYNOTIK” license plate blaring Alice Cooper’s “Poison” on his car stereo. Don’t think anyone saw that coming.
3:02 – The bad news is Rick can’t use a cell phone near the gas pump, the good news is that he doesn’t have a phone to use
3:07 – Ostrowe declares his advice for chicks: “The only way to get a guy to stop talking about another girl is to suck it”
3:16 – Rick declares Delaware to be the “Worst. State. Ever.” (Now we all know how much Rick hates Massachusetts
, but Delaware is worse thanks to this simple mathematical reason. Massachusetts has about 4 times the amount of suck as Delaware, however, it is about 5 times bigger than Delaware, therefore Delaware has more suck per square mile than Massachusetts)
3:18 – Rick loses his mind completely, starts singing Adam Sandler’s “Hanukah Song” and “Lonely Jew on Christmas” from South Park
4:18 – Another traffic jam = More evidence of poor planning on Rick’s part
4:30 – Rick loses his mind again
4:32 – There’s nothing to do in New Hampshire but be Emo
4:48 – Rick looks in the mirror and thinks to himself, “hey that person has a Springfield College Sticker”. It’s on the car he is driving
5:34
– Rick’s parents’ plane lands; we are still sitting in traffic in the middle of Jersey.
5:37
– Rick’s dad calls and expresses his disgust with us for not leaving earlier.
5:59
– Rick’s dad calls once more to express his disgust and threaten us with bodily harm.
6:04
– Rick’s parents call back and tell us not to bother picking them up.
6:10 – Moment of silence held in honor of the late Smokey Smokerstein, who won’t be able to make it to next year’s Preakness due to succumbing to lung cancer.
6:12
– We stop to fill up Rick’s dad’s tank as a gesture of good faith.
6:15
– Ostrowe suggests that when Rick’s dad yells at him for not picking them up, Rick tell his dad, “You’ll get over it, you’re just having your period.” Rick spits soda all over himself as a result of Ostrowe’s suggestion. (R – I assure you Dad, this was never an option
6:35
– After playing several 3 stages of hell matches over the weekend, we have clearly found the fourth stage of hell: this ride back.
6:41
– Finally, The Rick and Ostrowe have come BACK to Rockland.
Rick: “You wanna go to the Big S?”
Ostrowe: “With what money?
Rick: “Touche’, Marty.”
6:50
– Sara Squareboobs is clairvoyant. On Saturday, she told Rick that she wished he got a new phone, and on Sunday he lost his phone. Pahhhhhh.
7:36 – Rick finally arrives home, awaits scolding of a lifetime
7:45 – Rick finds out that some guy called Brian earlier reporting that some one found Rick’s phone, there is a chance the Startac might be saved (R – We are working with a real rocket scientist here, after looking through my phone book he decided to call Brian instead of home
7:55 – Judgement hour, receive cocotazo from parents
8:30 – Rick shows his parents and his Aunt the pictures from the trip, they respond with “You guys are losers no wonder you can’t pick up chicks” (R – At least you can always rely on your family to be brutally honest

Well, we set out to accomplish three things this weekend. Preakness, Mar State and pick up Rick’s parents, only one occurred but since we were involved this was expected. The over/under in Vegas was at 1.5 but the casino stoped taking bets because too many people bet the under. At the end of Saturday Ostrowe clearly has more to drink than Jurgen, but Jurgen was in pretty bad shape so the race was determined to be a dead heat. Dmo showed by a neck over Poppers. Murph tested positive for Irish genes so he was declared ineligible for the race.

Official Ranking of Triple Crown Races on the Piccinich Scale
Race Highlights
1) 2003 Belmont: It poured all day. This is not an exaggeration. It was a down pour from 9 am till 7 pm. This was the site of the lemon relay, Ostrowe stealing a stretcher from the men’s room, Ostrowe intentionally peeing himself after rationalizing it to everyone around him and an all in all good time. Funny Cide failed to win the Triple Crown extending the drought to 26 years without a Triple crown winner
2) 2005 Preakness: Perfect weather and for the rest see running diary above. The day went too quickly . The only bad part was the abscence of Mar
3) 2004 Kentucky Derby:
It’s the derby, bad weather led to great weather led to the worst rainstorm ever led to decent weather. Lesbians, Hacksaw, Mud Puddle Mosh Pit. Did I mention that we spent two days in Kentucky as part of a 4 day roadtrip and nothing went wrong. Except all three of us hitting our faces on the shower head in the hotel even with the warnings
4) 2004 Preakness: Our first visit to the Pimlico infield allowed us to witness Ostrowe’s crazy sunburn, Ostrowe licking random chicks, Ostrowe blacking out for 5 hours, Ostrowe screaming about his late uncle to Long Island guys sitting next to us. Ostrowe was clearly the MVP of this day.
5) 2003 Preakness: Sandy Chang, Ben Howland, Chesey Moustache guy stomps our camera
6) 2004 Belmont: Pupino makes fun of Philly all day, Alan Embree’s mistress, Smarty Piccinich Jones crushes the dream of millions and extends the streak to 27
7) 2002 Belmont: Ostrowe was not present for this one, it was our virgin race. Jamie Fitzgerald drove us. There was a huge fight at the end. We were passive except for when we traded a quarter handle of Uncle Jack for 4 beers

Title Track (11.20.06)

What’s the best cure for not being able to concentrate enough and/or find enough motivation to write a paper due tomorrow? Why a title track of course.

Is there spooning in hell?

On Friday when I turned on the TV and saw that Bo Schembechler had died I was in shock. It was similar to the previously chronicled “Duke Lacrosse Players are Innocent” face, except that I walked around for the rest of the day muttering “I can’t believe Schembechler died.” It got to the point that even Tara said it at one point to get a good laugh out of both of us.
1) As if ABC/ESPN didn’t need yet another angle to talk up for the game. They spent the last 10 days talking about the game and this was practically another “gift” for them. (And you wonder why I’m going to hell)
2) I had been following the growth of the Dead Schembechlers, a punk band, which both Espn and Deadspin had made pretty big deals of. Sucks to be them eh. As a post script, Saturday night the band annouced that they were disbanding at a concert of theirs and that the proceeds of the show would go to a charity of the Schembechler Family’s choice.
3) I find it interesting that a number of people thought that the game should not be played because they thought Schembechler was currently coaching the Wolverines

ATL: Straight People are Gross

So for those who don’t know, Boca was a great time. Here are some quick highlights:
– $500/night room that even Jim$ would be pleased with
– Jerry Rice told me that the Redskins are packing it in for the rest of the season
– Brett Hull tapped me on the back and said: “How’s it going buddy?”
– I jumped into the ocean with my cell phone in my pocket, sending it into a coma which it will never wake up from. That makes three broken/lost phones since the Preakend of 2005
– I didn’t get stabbed 15 minutes before leaving
– While standing outside I was approached by some rich guy who asked me to valet his car
– I pulled up to the extremely fancy hotel in a limo and you could see anticipation on some of the faces outside of the car, then when a creepy hood guy got out of the limo they were all dissapointed.

The PS3 release came and went and it had to be more chaotic than anyone anticipated. People were shot…that’s crazy.

You know what I bet is a very delicious place to live: Sandwich, Mass.

So imagine that we are neighbors. We both are farmers. One day your donkey comes onto my property and bites off the feet of my rooster. Where does that leave you? You have two feet of my c _ _ k in your a$$.

All I know is that they are all I can see

All I know is that if OJ did it got cancelled for a good reason. This was even above Fox

All I know is that if Michigan plays OSU in the National Championship I wouldn’t be dissapointed

All I know is that I love college basketball

All I know is that maybe I spoke too soon about the Orange

All I know is that I just gave the Orange the Kiss of Death

All I know is that that is enough of that

And that is all she wrote

On Holiday in Springfield

This past weekend Springfield College was invaded by the Piccinich Effect. After last years performance, it was expected that throwing Ostrowe into the mix would make things more interesting. Unfortunatly, the timing was poor and most people went home this weekend leaving the campus deader than Judge Rehnquist. But then again this may just be a thin attempt to cover up the fact that we are socially inept.

[Disclaimer: I can not be accountable for anything that comes out of someone else’s mouth.]

9:10 At this point Mar is in charge of the running diary. He just got into the car holding a piece of buffalo chicken pizza he bought six hours earlier just before calling it a night in Nyack. Needless to say he is winded, but he still made the effort to make that the first entry in the running diary.

9:33 Bah the late Dale Earnhardt. Who knows what this is in reference to, but when I read it off of the running diary, everyone laughed.

9:30 This is not the typo, the entry after 9:33 is 9:30 and apparently Jimmy Han is sleeping on Rey Vivar’s couch. For the record they still haven’t reached Springfield, so I have no clue about anything. I’m just typing it like I see it.

9:45 Back in Springfield, I go to the sketchy gas station to buy a Milky Way. As I walk in I feel like the pope since the foyer is surrounded by bulletproof glass and there is a tiny doggie door for which to give the attendant the money. All of the products for sale are behind the glass. I am lucky to make it out of there with my life.

10:12 It is determined that Jim$ has his own luxury box at Chevy Chase Field. The only thing in the suite is a bunch of naked slimmies pouring champagne on each other.

10:25 The signs start a flowing. “You look ravishing” and “I 10:30 After a wonderful Cheney breakfast, I nestle in to watch Tara’s scrimmage against Keene State. I spend the first half sitting and chatting with Amanda’s parents.

11:15 The guys show up exactly as the first half ends. After falling into a quick 12 point hole, Springfield cameback to win the first half. I jump into the car with them, nearly sitting on Mar’s pizza and we go find a parking in the Inty lot. We then head back to catch the second half of the basketball game.

11:30
Dmo: Does your ladyfriend shoot the three
Rick: Yea, she……
[Tara drains a three]
Ostrowe: That answers that

11:58 The third half begins. We are taken completly off guard. However, we notice someone carrying ten pizzas up onto the track. Immediatly, Dmo begins pondering how he can eat these pizzas.

12:15 SPRINGFIELD – Shocking news out of Springfield College this afternoon. A four year old girl was thrown off the top of the bleachers by her 32 year old single mother Mary Sue Maldonado after being a bad girl. Meanwhile ten pizzas sat uneaten on the track above the basketball court. The pizzas leave behind two bottles of soda and a tray of cookies.
SPRINGFIELD – Today a tourist watching a basketball game was very winded. When asked abut his condition all the young man was able to say was, “Bah, I’m winded.” Local doctors have been unable to determine the cause.

This is just the product of our minds. We may need to seek help.

12:20
The third half ends, and a fourth one almost begins. Stone Cold displeases the fans and does not give any of the opponents a stunner.

12:45 The physics of the abbacoozie are debated. This will become a long running joke for the mail chains. On the walk back to the car we decide that during the upcoming games of korean rummy the winner will be the only person to be allowed to mentioned in the same sentence as Jeanette all week. This is due to the fact that Sars is still the champion as recognized by the Korean Rummy Association of Piccinich (KRAP). We make our way over to Sophia’s. When we walk in the door it’s as quiet as a church. Within 5 minutes the pitchers of Busch (a.k.a. poo) and the korean rummy start flowing.

1:00 Dmo calls up Sars and leaves a message asking if he will vacate the title in the name of the current match. The commish is able to overlook the fact that this is the first title match that the title is not present for.

1:04 This old guy with an extremely cheesy walks in saying “Hey There!” to everyone in the bar. Over the course of the next few hours he will go on half a million rants about every topic imaginable. He would love Fitzy’s.

1:10 Everyone is the bar has a southern accent making it feel like we are somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon line

1:23 Dmo takes an early Korean Rummy lead, but due to past experiences he is not to optimistic:
Dmo: This is what always happens, I start off strong, but then fall apart
Mar: Me too…….oh wait, are we talking about Korean Rummy or booze?

1:30 We get our food and I throw the salt off the table. Then I take my sweet old time applying ketchup to my fries and burger. When Ostrowe finally gets the bottle he squirts ketchup all over the running diary. However, he did not plan on the Running Diary being made of a high quality teflon material. The ketchup leaves no residue on the paper and now no one will know of his sinister deeds. Except of course the people reading this.

1:40 Brutal Dmo makes his first appearence as he calls Mar an asshole. Since Dmo didn’t have an uber-reach Mar was forced to constantly pour Dmo beers. Unfortunatly this task had a negative effect of Mar’s lack of muscles and he was left to be winded.

2:00
Dmo: This isn’t good
Rick: Yea I know, Joe Paterno is dying.
After the fact I know now that he has a broken leg as a result of a collision with some of his players. Later this will be revealed to be the plot of the first episode of season two of Playmakers. The offensive coordinator calls a corner route to be thrown inches in front of the head coach so that he will be injured by the impending collision.

2:05 Dmo claps for a outstanding play by the Maryland defense. The decibal level in here has become way to much for the locals to stand. This may be the first event which causes the waitress and bartender to want us to leave.

4:00 The Running Diary comes back from the dead to document the confusion resulting from mixing up an abbasnatch and an abbacoozie.

4:10 When trying to name all the NCAA DI football teams which have nicknames that don’t end in “s”, Mar offers up the Clemson Tide.

4:30 While making a trip to the restroom an old man defers right of way to Mar citing the fact that since he is older he can hold it in longer.

4:33 When the waitress brings up our tab without us asking for it, Dmo takes offense. He was done drinking, but now he wants another pitcher just to spite her.

4:35 Mar is looking forward to sleeping in the Tiger Lounge

4:40
Mar: That’s a gay sneeze
Patron: Thank you

5:00 It was determined that once this pitcher is done we are going to leave. Mar and Dmo are tied for the lead. Mar still has half a glass left after Dmo wins the next hand. When I ask him why he still has beer left, he tells me that he was trying to drink it. Dmo quickly finishes off his glass so it seems that there is only one hand left. Before Dmo is able to deal out the cards (and with some badgering from me and Ostrowe) Mar grabs him glass and chugs the rest of his beer. The rest of us stand up and start walking out since the game is now officially over. Mar is left at the table screaming “You guys are f_cki_g Blue Chips.”

5:20 Dmo is chatting with Ole Mel on the phone and going on long rants about the outstanding Maryland win. Randomly, he stops with a “Bah Bah Bah Bah Bah how was your day.” Thirty seconds later he is back on the Maryland rant.

5:52 Mar is passed out in the Tiger Lounge and Dmo starts to kick him. Ostrowe is falling asleep to but before he can hit that REM state Dmo also kicks the chair his feet are resting on. While the two of them nap, I proceed to beat Dmo is darts, Tiger Woods, and Ping Pong.

7:30 Ostrowe wakes up and we head over to Subway. We left Mar sleeping on the couch but as we get outside he calls asking us to wait for him.

7:54 Dmo screams “Gerry Oswald is a [bad word]”

7:58 For some reason Dmo is walking around in only a t-shirt. He explains to us this is because he didn’t have enough muscles to pick up his sweatshirt from off the bed.

8:00 Dmo: “I don’t even have brain chromosomes” (He is on a drunken roll)

8:30 We stop off at OFT’s and watch some the Dateline Sexual Predators special. This is good stuff. High hilarity rates ensue.

9:30 When good pets go bad starts

9:40 Mar’s level of drunkeness is confirmed when he claims that Rosanne Barr is pretty decent looking. The room falls silent forcing Mar to try to explain his point. By this time it is too late and he has already lost all sorts of credability.

9:45 I run over to the senior suites to try to perform some IT duties. After 15 minutes or so I become anxious to return to the townhouses so I start eating some M&M’s. Seconds later I am heard to say: “I don’t even like M&M’s”

10:30 After resting for a good amount of time, OFT’s roommate tells Mar of a beer pong game being held a few houses down. As he leaves Mar chases after him saying “Yo bro, bro, bro. Wait up, mind if we come too?”

10:45
Team Rutko gets smoked in their first game of beer pong

10:53 Ostrowe subs in for a missing partner and carries his team in a loss

11:00 Team Rutko is skipped over in the beer pong waiting list. Mar is winded and can’t defend his teams honor.

12:00 We leave the party and Team Rutko’s second loss. As we get outside Mar tells us that he is convinced that he could have hooked up with the referee from Guts. We tell him that girls only tend to hook up with guys they talk to over the course of the evening.

12:20 We stop off at Tara’s room and while in the hallway Marty Piccinich, Bud Cincimino and Bahb Costas all sign up to attend the Springfield College Thanksgiving Dinner. Bahb also indicated that he wants chinese food.

12:24 While walking back to my dorm I tell Mar that if he can walk eight feet while balencing on the fence, I will buy him his next five rounds. I planned on cheating by pushing him off and watching him roll down rally hill, however, that is unneccesary since he fell off on his own merit.

10:00 As it is now Sunday morning, we decide to hit up Cheney for breakfast. Jon and Tara are amazed at how retarded we are when we are together. I try to argue that Cheney doesn’t make omelets, but rather “collages of taste”

12:27 After a morning filled with Smackdown, Jon is easily convinced to go to the bar

12:46 Mar is a cat who doesn’t drink on Sundays

12:48 Jon orders a water which is pretty gay. Unbenounced to the writer of the Running Diary everyone else ordered a soda

12:50 Jon orders a Coors and cleans the sand out of his vagina

12:51 Dmo tells us that he is an avid Keno player. Mar doubles over at another sign of Dmo’s gambling problem (he once bet on whether or not Ostrowes Poisen Ivy Cream would cure his of his rash) and he plays some keno himself.

1:00 The bartender drops her first “Hun” of the afternoon. Surprisingly it’s not to us.

1:01 Dmo thinks about ordering the nachos but realizes since they are smoothered in J’s T’s special sauce it is a waste of money since that’s where his face is all the time.

1:15 Jon gets the first “hun” of our group.

1:20 I get hunned. Bah she is mowing us down like Vietcongs

1:23 Ostrowe introduces the theorem that Michael Irvin is the Pupino of the Dallas Cowboy Super Bowl winning teams. Everyone hangs out with him because they should all be friendly, but when he is around everyone knows things are going to get ugly. And Emmitt and Troy spend most of their time apologizing to other people about Irvin’s behavior. Then Michael Irvin comes from out of nowhere when Troy is making a move on a nice young lady and says loud enough for everyone to hear: “Troy, bro, do you know you’re talking to a chick with big titties”

1:33 Jon gets a Miller Lite just so that he can talk to the Miller Lite girls in the bar. I could make fun of him but at least he is talking to chicks

1:45 Ostrowe gets a Blue Mooncricket beer
Rick: That is a classy beer it has a lemon on the rim
Ostrowe: It’s an orange
Rick: It’s classy it has an orange on the rim

2:30 Mar: I didn’t think I could lose anymore brain cells but somehow I just did

2:33 After the Hummer commercial where the guys drives his car off a pier into the water and it turns into a submarine I proclaim that I am going ask for that option in a Hummer and when they tell me they don’t have it I will sue them (citing the old Pepsi points commercial as precedence). Jon thinks that they will make one for me I tell them that I can now drive to Hawaii. I can stop off at an islands and refill my tank with the gas i bought on the main land. Then I can be on “Survivor: Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean in between California and Hawaii”

2:53 After TO scores a TD and then lays down and uses the ball as a pillow inducing the refs to call a 15 yard penalty on him:
Patron: He always has to piss where he sits
Mar: Bah he was winded

3:15
Jon: We should open a bar
Rick: That’s what Dmo wants to do
Ostrowe: What would you name it?
Jon: Fitzy’s too?

3:26 As I twirl my newly aquired key chain around it hits Mar and he says, “Bah you injured my hand”

3:30 – 3:45 Ostrowe takes a nap in Rick’s car

4:13 As we are leaving the bar Ostrowe blatantly drops twenty hun’s in order to give the bartender a taste of her own medicine, but she doesn’t hear any of it.

4:38 After a White Hut trip drunk Jon keeps giving me [bad word] so I proceed to say “I wish we didn’t convince you to come”

4:42 We drive past Jim$ Springfield castle and I say that it is Jim$ Fortrait of Solitude. I don’t know what that is.

5:00 The guys take off and head back home but at 5:30 I get a text message:
“Bah almost died. Deer runs across highway and Ostrowe misses it by a few feet.”

The Weekend’s Final Standings:
Piccinich 1 – Piccinich Effect 0