On Holiday in Springfield

This past weekend Springfield College was invaded by the Piccinich Effect. After last years performance, it was expected that throwing Ostrowe into the mix would make things more interesting. Unfortunatly, the timing was poor and most people went home this weekend leaving the campus deader than Judge Rehnquist. But then again this may just be a thin attempt to cover up the fact that we are socially inept.

[Disclaimer: I can not be accountable for anything that comes out of someone else’s mouth.]

9:10 At this point Mar is in charge of the running diary. He just got into the car holding a piece of buffalo chicken pizza he bought six hours earlier just before calling it a night in Nyack. Needless to say he is winded, but he still made the effort to make that the first entry in the running diary.

9:33 Bah the late Dale Earnhardt. Who knows what this is in reference to, but when I read it off of the running diary, everyone laughed.

9:30 This is not the typo, the entry after 9:33 is 9:30 and apparently Jimmy Han is sleeping on Rey Vivar’s couch. For the record they still haven’t reached Springfield, so I have no clue about anything. I’m just typing it like I see it.

9:45 Back in Springfield, I go to the sketchy gas station to buy a Milky Way. As I walk in I feel like the pope since the foyer is surrounded by bulletproof glass and there is a tiny doggie door for which to give the attendant the money. All of the products for sale are behind the glass. I am lucky to make it out of there with my life.

10:12 It is determined that Jim$ has his own luxury box at Chevy Chase Field. The only thing in the suite is a bunch of naked slimmies pouring champagne on each other.

10:25 The signs start a flowing. “You look ravishing” and “I 10:30 After a wonderful Cheney breakfast, I nestle in to watch Tara’s scrimmage against Keene State. I spend the first half sitting and chatting with Amanda’s parents.

11:15 The guys show up exactly as the first half ends. After falling into a quick 12 point hole, Springfield cameback to win the first half. I jump into the car with them, nearly sitting on Mar’s pizza and we go find a parking in the Inty lot. We then head back to catch the second half of the basketball game.

Dmo: Does your ladyfriend shoot the three
Rick: Yea, she……
[Tara drains a three]
Ostrowe: That answers that

11:58 The third half begins. We are taken completly off guard. However, we notice someone carrying ten pizzas up onto the track. Immediatly, Dmo begins pondering how he can eat these pizzas.

12:15 SPRINGFIELD – Shocking news out of Springfield College this afternoon. A four year old girl was thrown off the top of the bleachers by her 32 year old single mother Mary Sue Maldonado after being a bad girl. Meanwhile ten pizzas sat uneaten on the track above the basketball court. The pizzas leave behind two bottles of soda and a tray of cookies.
SPRINGFIELD – Today a tourist watching a basketball game was very winded. When asked abut his condition all the young man was able to say was, “Bah, I’m winded.” Local doctors have been unable to determine the cause.

This is just the product of our minds. We may need to seek help.

The third half ends, and a fourth one almost begins. Stone Cold displeases the fans and does not give any of the opponents a stunner.

12:45 The physics of the abbacoozie are debated. This will become a long running joke for the mail chains. On the walk back to the car we decide that during the upcoming games of korean rummy the winner will be the only person to be allowed to mentioned in the same sentence as Jeanette all week. This is due to the fact that Sars is still the champion as recognized by the Korean Rummy Association of Piccinich (KRAP). We make our way over to Sophia’s. When we walk in the door it’s as quiet as a church. Within 5 minutes the pitchers of Busch (a.k.a. poo) and the korean rummy start flowing.

1:00 Dmo calls up Sars and leaves a message asking if he will vacate the title in the name of the current match. The commish is able to overlook the fact that this is the first title match that the title is not present for.

1:04 This old guy with an extremely cheesy walks in saying “Hey There!” to everyone in the bar. Over the course of the next few hours he will go on half a million rants about every topic imaginable. He would love Fitzy’s.

1:10 Everyone is the bar has a southern accent making it feel like we are somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon line

1:23 Dmo takes an early Korean Rummy lead, but due to past experiences he is not to optimistic:
Dmo: This is what always happens, I start off strong, but then fall apart
Mar: Me too…….oh wait, are we talking about Korean Rummy or booze?

1:30 We get our food and I throw the salt off the table. Then I take my sweet old time applying ketchup to my fries and burger. When Ostrowe finally gets the bottle he squirts ketchup all over the running diary. However, he did not plan on the Running Diary being made of a high quality teflon material. The ketchup leaves no residue on the paper and now no one will know of his sinister deeds. Except of course the people reading this.

1:40 Brutal Dmo makes his first appearence as he calls Mar an asshole. Since Dmo didn’t have an uber-reach Mar was forced to constantly pour Dmo beers. Unfortunatly this task had a negative effect of Mar’s lack of muscles and he was left to be winded.

Dmo: This isn’t good
Rick: Yea I know, Joe Paterno is dying.
After the fact I know now that he has a broken leg as a result of a collision with some of his players. Later this will be revealed to be the plot of the first episode of season two of Playmakers. The offensive coordinator calls a corner route to be thrown inches in front of the head coach so that he will be injured by the impending collision.

2:05 Dmo claps for a outstanding play by the Maryland defense. The decibal level in here has become way to much for the locals to stand. This may be the first event which causes the waitress and bartender to want us to leave.

4:00 The Running Diary comes back from the dead to document the confusion resulting from mixing up an abbasnatch and an abbacoozie.

4:10 When trying to name all the NCAA DI football teams which have nicknames that don’t end in “s”, Mar offers up the Clemson Tide.

4:30 While making a trip to the restroom an old man defers right of way to Mar citing the fact that since he is older he can hold it in longer.

4:33 When the waitress brings up our tab without us asking for it, Dmo takes offense. He was done drinking, but now he wants another pitcher just to spite her.

4:35 Mar is looking forward to sleeping in the Tiger Lounge

Mar: That’s a gay sneeze
Patron: Thank you

5:00 It was determined that once this pitcher is done we are going to leave. Mar and Dmo are tied for the lead. Mar still has half a glass left after Dmo wins the next hand. When I ask him why he still has beer left, he tells me that he was trying to drink it. Dmo quickly finishes off his glass so it seems that there is only one hand left. Before Dmo is able to deal out the cards (and with some badgering from me and Ostrowe) Mar grabs him glass and chugs the rest of his beer. The rest of us stand up and start walking out since the game is now officially over. Mar is left at the table screaming “You guys are f_cki_g Blue Chips.”

5:20 Dmo is chatting with Ole Mel on the phone and going on long rants about the outstanding Maryland win. Randomly, he stops with a “Bah Bah Bah Bah Bah how was your day.” Thirty seconds later he is back on the Maryland rant.

5:52 Mar is passed out in the Tiger Lounge and Dmo starts to kick him. Ostrowe is falling asleep to but before he can hit that REM state Dmo also kicks the chair his feet are resting on. While the two of them nap, I proceed to beat Dmo is darts, Tiger Woods, and Ping Pong.

7:30 Ostrowe wakes up and we head over to Subway. We left Mar sleeping on the couch but as we get outside he calls asking us to wait for him.

7:54 Dmo screams “Gerry Oswald is a [bad word]”

7:58 For some reason Dmo is walking around in only a t-shirt. He explains to us this is because he didn’t have enough muscles to pick up his sweatshirt from off the bed.

8:00 Dmo: “I don’t even have brain chromosomes” (He is on a drunken roll)

8:30 We stop off at OFT’s and watch some the Dateline Sexual Predators special. This is good stuff. High hilarity rates ensue.

9:30 When good pets go bad starts

9:40 Mar’s level of drunkeness is confirmed when he claims that Rosanne Barr is pretty decent looking. The room falls silent forcing Mar to try to explain his point. By this time it is too late and he has already lost all sorts of credability.

9:45 I run over to the senior suites to try to perform some IT duties. After 15 minutes or so I become anxious to return to the townhouses so I start eating some M&M’s. Seconds later I am heard to say: “I don’t even like M&M’s”

10:30 After resting for a good amount of time, OFT’s roommate tells Mar of a beer pong game being held a few houses down. As he leaves Mar chases after him saying “Yo bro, bro, bro. Wait up, mind if we come too?”

Team Rutko gets smoked in their first game of beer pong

10:53 Ostrowe subs in for a missing partner and carries his team in a loss

11:00 Team Rutko is skipped over in the beer pong waiting list. Mar is winded and can’t defend his teams honor.

12:00 We leave the party and Team Rutko’s second loss. As we get outside Mar tells us that he is convinced that he could have hooked up with the referee from Guts. We tell him that girls only tend to hook up with guys they talk to over the course of the evening.

12:20 We stop off at Tara’s room and while in the hallway Marty Piccinich, Bud Cincimino and Bahb Costas all sign up to attend the Springfield College Thanksgiving Dinner. Bahb also indicated that he wants chinese food.

12:24 While walking back to my dorm I tell Mar that if he can walk eight feet while balencing on the fence, I will buy him his next five rounds. I planned on cheating by pushing him off and watching him roll down rally hill, however, that is unneccesary since he fell off on his own merit.

10:00 As it is now Sunday morning, we decide to hit up Cheney for breakfast. Jon and Tara are amazed at how retarded we are when we are together. I try to argue that Cheney doesn’t make omelets, but rather “collages of taste”

12:27 After a morning filled with Smackdown, Jon is easily convinced to go to the bar

12:46 Mar is a cat who doesn’t drink on Sundays

12:48 Jon orders a water which is pretty gay. Unbenounced to the writer of the Running Diary everyone else ordered a soda

12:50 Jon orders a Coors and cleans the sand out of his vagina

12:51 Dmo tells us that he is an avid Keno player. Mar doubles over at another sign of Dmo’s gambling problem (he once bet on whether or not Ostrowes Poisen Ivy Cream would cure his of his rash) and he plays some keno himself.

1:00 The bartender drops her first “Hun” of the afternoon. Surprisingly it’s not to us.

1:01 Dmo thinks about ordering the nachos but realizes since they are smoothered in J’s T’s special sauce it is a waste of money since that’s where his face is all the time.

1:15 Jon gets the first “hun” of our group.

1:20 I get hunned. Bah she is mowing us down like Vietcongs

1:23 Ostrowe introduces the theorem that Michael Irvin is the Pupino of the Dallas Cowboy Super Bowl winning teams. Everyone hangs out with him because they should all be friendly, but when he is around everyone knows things are going to get ugly. And Emmitt and Troy spend most of their time apologizing to other people about Irvin’s behavior. Then Michael Irvin comes from out of nowhere when Troy is making a move on a nice young lady and says loud enough for everyone to hear: “Troy, bro, do you know you’re talking to a chick with big titties”

1:33 Jon gets a Miller Lite just so that he can talk to the Miller Lite girls in the bar. I could make fun of him but at least he is talking to chicks

1:45 Ostrowe gets a Blue Mooncricket beer
Rick: That is a classy beer it has a lemon on the rim
Ostrowe: It’s an orange
Rick: It’s classy it has an orange on the rim

2:30 Mar: I didn’t think I could lose anymore brain cells but somehow I just did

2:33 After the Hummer commercial where the guys drives his car off a pier into the water and it turns into a submarine I proclaim that I am going ask for that option in a Hummer and when they tell me they don’t have it I will sue them (citing the old Pepsi points commercial as precedence). Jon thinks that they will make one for me I tell them that I can now drive to Hawaii. I can stop off at an islands and refill my tank with the gas i bought on the main land. Then I can be on “Survivor: Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean in between California and Hawaii”

2:53 After TO scores a TD and then lays down and uses the ball as a pillow inducing the refs to call a 15 yard penalty on him:
Patron: He always has to piss where he sits
Mar: Bah he was winded

Jon: We should open a bar
Rick: That’s what Dmo wants to do
Ostrowe: What would you name it?
Jon: Fitzy’s too?

3:26 As I twirl my newly aquired key chain around it hits Mar and he says, “Bah you injured my hand”

3:30 – 3:45 Ostrowe takes a nap in Rick’s car

4:13 As we are leaving the bar Ostrowe blatantly drops twenty hun’s in order to give the bartender a taste of her own medicine, but she doesn’t hear any of it.

4:38 After a White Hut trip drunk Jon keeps giving me [bad word] so I proceed to say “I wish we didn’t convince you to come”

4:42 We drive past Jim$ Springfield castle and I say that it is Jim$ Fortrait of Solitude. I don’t know what that is.

5:00 The guys take off and head back home but at 5:30 I get a text message:
“Bah almost died. Deer runs across highway and Ostrowe misses it by a few feet.”

The Weekend’s Final Standings:
Piccinich 1 – Piccinich Effect 0

One comment on “On Holiday in Springfield

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