Retro Post: Preakend 2005

Once again in an effort to consolidate everything to this blog, we take a look into the past…..


Welcome to the ill-fated
Running Diary of the 2005 PREAKEND

This years trip has the possibility of being better than any trip in the past. However, since we are involved it has the possibility of going up in flames in a flash. The plan for this year is to head down to Laurel, MD on Friday May 20th, Preakness on Saturday, and finally the Mar State graduation on Sunday. Also on the docket on Sunday is for us to pick up Rick’s parents at Laguardia Airport at 5 pm.

Thursday May 19

10:18 pm – Piccinich Effect. It is still over 18 hours before we plan to leave and already trouble is finding us. Over the years we have learned to leave our planning for the last minute, not because we procrastinate, but rather because it minimizes the number of things that can go wrong. Originally we were going to leave at 9:00 am after dropping Rick’s parents off at the airport but then Dmo informed us that no one would be at their apartment until 7 pm to let us in. We settle upon the departure time of 6:30 pm.

Friday May 20

7:15 am – Rick wakes up from dream in which he was driving down the “Christian Slater Sucks Expressway” in Afghanistan on his way to see a movie for $3.19 while eating a slice of pizza which costs $8.00 which is much cheaper than that $9.00 slice in New York, so that he can drive his family to the airport
10:04 am – While leaving the supermarket Rick doubles back to buy a $5.00 Lotto ticket. He immediately regrets the decision
2:38 pm – The Rick gets antsy, wants to move departure time up 3 hours. Ostrowe agrees and promises to be ready in an hour.
3:15
– While eating at Valley Pizza Rick runs into some guy he used to work with. It’s obvious that neither of us knows the others name
3:32
– Arrive at Ostrowe’s just in time to watch him eat a bowl of easy mac
3:40
– Attempt to leave Ostrowe’s house
3:41
– Car won’t start, key doesn’t turn. (R – How many Piccinichs does it take to start a car?)
3:42
– Call Rick’s dad to find out that we have to jiggle the wheel to start the car (Great Start Bud)
3:43
– Finally leave Ostrowe’s driveway
4:06
– First traffic jam.
4:17
– We drive past Royal Clubs Condos – An Active Adult Community. No lazy old people welcome.
4:18
– Pass Milhouse Van Houten Avenue.
4:33
– After nearly a half hour of trying, Ostrowe finally gets someone to look at one of our signs; unfortunately, he doesn’t care that Ostrowe is friends with Merlin Olsen.
4:47
– Rick observes that the name “Springfield” automatically denotes suckiness; Ostrowe observes that tunnels do not lend themselves well to running diaries.
4:51
– We get Office Spaced for the first time.
5:01
– The car hits 55 mph for the first time in a half hour.
5:07 – People refuse to look at our humorous signs (R – In the diary this line starts off with “bad idea” referring to the fact that I wrote it while I was driving)
5:11 – Rick makes Note to self: Check inspection sticker ass (R – I am writing this on Monday and I have yet to check the sticker, and right now I am too busy to go outside and check it, when I finally checked it on Wednesday it was a month and a half over due)
5:12 – Way2BZ is a gay license plate
5:15 – We get a hot chick to look at our signs; she is highly amused. We manage to hit her with four: “I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL”, “PEOPLE KNOW ME”, “I’M VERY IMPORTANT”, and “I HAVE MANY LEATHERBOUND BOOKS”. She even makes a sign of her own in retaliation, unfortunately she makes the rookie mistake of writing it in pen.
5:57 – Over/under on time of first drunken phone call to Mar on Saturday set at 12:30pm (Over wins)
6:20 – We get flipped off by an old Mexican woman with a “Life is short, Pray Hard” bumper sticker in retaliation to Rick pretending to knock on the car window. We start laughing hysterically, which causes her entire family, including the two little kids in the backseat to flip us off as well. Ostrowe responds by showing them the “YOU ARE A SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER” sign.
6:40 – Food/gas/potty break (R – If I remember correctly this was in New Jersey which if you can’t keep track, we have been on the road for 3 hours and we still are in New Jersey. It normally takes 3.5 to reach Doug’s apartment)
6:54
– Successful gas station trip. We guessed what side the gas tank was on. Ostrowe tells some schwoogie that his apartment smells of a rich mahogany, and he has many leather bound books….etc……
6:59 – Rick gets a call from Sara in which she tells of a new shirt she bought which makes her boobs square, as a result Ostrowe officially changes her name to Sara Squareboobs
7:03 – We witness a bumper sticker that has the letters MV circled in pink and green. We surmise that MV clearly stands for “My Vagina.”
7:13
– We pass the Schwoogie from the gas station and she tells us that her husband has heard of us
7:38
– We pass a car with a Massachusetts license plate with a Red Sox logo on it. Ostrowe informs them via sign that “BOSTON STILL SUCKS.” They speed up to pass us with a sign that says “JETER SWALLOWS” and one that appears to be a crude drawing of a Yankee fan with a penis in his mouth. We pass them again and Ostrowe responds with a sign that lets them know “WE’RE METS FANS”. They shrug their shoulders as if to say they have no response. When they pass us once more, Ostrowe crosses the line with an “I GAVE THE COKE TO LEN BIAS” sign. They start ignoring us after that. (for good reason)
8:10
– We make our first and last ever stop at the Delaware rest area; possibly our last stop in the entire state of Delaware ever.
8:12
– Rick: “Worst. Rest stop. Ever.”
8:18
– Ostrowe- “I wonder what they are doing with all this toll money, they are clearly not using it to……” (O – It’s now Wednesday and I still don’t have a good way to finish this sentence)
8:28
– An hour away from Laurel.
Rick: “I hope we make it another hour on this tank.”
Ostrowe: “How could we not make it? We have more than half a tank. Fuck, I just invited the wrath of the Piccinich effect.
8:32
– Over/under on Rick mumbling something incoherant in his sleep set at 1am Saturday Morning. (Over wins)
9:38
– Arrive at Westgate (6 hours after leaving NY), Ostrowe steps into a rain filled pothole exiting Rick’s car.
9:43 – Ostrowe tells Rick that Dmo lives in 156 so as Rick knocks on the door Ostrowe proceeds to walk in 158 (R – Dick)
10:03 – Liquor store door closes on Dmo’s face and he proceeds to scream profanities at the owner. This moment brought to you by Rick’s delay at the stop sign 2 minutes earlier.
11:00
– Smack down (the video game) has officially ruined the Preakend, who knows when we are going to stop
11:15
– Dmo: “BP, I thought you were gonna get the multiplayer adapter on the way home from work?”
BP: “Yeah, I don’t know what happened, I guess I didn’t buy it.” (O- It’s so much better when your hear BP’s delivery, it can only be imitated)

Saturday May 21

12:07 am – BP: “Wow that chair is so bent out of shape you could almost sit in it” (R – Who knew chairs were for sitting)
12:15 – Dmo and Rick tap out, Ostrowe and BP start their 3 stages of hell match
1:45 – BP wins an epic 1.5 hour last man standing match (O – Ridiculous)

PREAKNESS SATURDAY MORNING

Joining Rick, Dmo, and Ostrowe at the Preakness will be Poppers, Jurgen, Eddie O, and Murph

7:15 – Dmo and Ostrowe wake up and play a Royal Rumble
7:47 – Dmo has a vodka cranberry, Jurgen proclaims he will be in the first vehicle to leave for Pimlico
8:00 – Rick, Ostrowe and Dmo leave for Pimlico, Jurgen is no where to be found
8:08 – We pull out of Westgate, passing a Chevorlet Trailblazer in the parking lot. That’s right, ChevORlet. That’s what it said on the car.
8:12 – We stop at Giant where Dmo and Ostrowe simultaneously suggest Rick purchase Lunchables.
8:52
– Rick blatantly runs a light that was red for at least 5 seconds. (R – I still claim it was more towards a pink)
9:00
– Arrive at the shady alley that has treated us so well in the past three years
9:04
– Rick forgets ticket in car
9:15
– Tony a.k.a. Virgil grabs cooler. (At Pimlico on Preakness Saturday thousands of mini schwoogies wait outside to offer all the drunkards a hand with their heavy coolers. Last year we were suckers and carried out cooler the entire mile to the track entrance, this year Virgil gave us a hand for only $5 plus the $5 tip we gave him. Sweet deal)
9:17
– Rick introduces himself to Virgil.
Rick: “What’s your name buddy?”
Virgil: “Tony.” (R – They have a weird southern dialect in Baltimore)
Rick: “Nice to meet you Tony. I’m Marty, and these are my friends Marty, and Marty.”
Virgil: “Wow, you guys are all named Marty?”
Ostrowe: “Yeah, that’s how we met.” (R – That doesn’t really explain anything)
9:22 – Marty Piccinich signs up as a designated driver
Rick: I’m a DD, what do I have to do to get a free hat
Lady: Just sign up on this list
Rick: Wait, I don’t have to drive other people home do I
Lady: Nope
Rick: Good, can I have my free hat now….please
9:25 – Rick loses free hat
9:30 – Finally arrive in the infield
9:34 – Rick makes another note to self: Call Maxx at 12:00. Rick accosted by a bagel (R – once again a note I wrote to myself in the running diary, and once again a note I totally ignored. My bad
9:36
– A 5 foot in diameter Frisbee circle forms
9:37
– The circle dissipates
9:51
– The first Korean Rummy hand of the day. The over/under for the number of times that people will ask us if we are playing Texas Hold’em is set at 20 (under wins)
10:02

“Where’s the pisser?”
“Just use the fence” (Mind you that stand directly on the other side of the fence is Baltimore’s
finest)
10:16 – Boobies (R – This one chick was wearing a shirt which said ‘Yes they are real” and she would flash the crowd about a million more times after this but I only gave the show about a 5)
10:36 – Dmo ignores the keen advice of Hacksaw Mark and sprints out of the gate (referring to his early Korean Rummy Championship Match lead)
10:31 – What the hell? A horse just flew by. (R – Hey asshole we are at a horserace remember?)
10:50
– Hopkins chicks sitting behind us ask us why we need so much space for four more people. Ostrowe replies “You should see Eddie O, he’s freaking huge”
11:15
– Jurgen and the gang are officially cum whores for being slow mother fuckers (R – they said they would be leaving at 9, and this is the Preakness, what were they waiting for? They need to get their priorities straight)
11:22 – Rick throws his cards down in disgust
11:23 – The cum whores arrive, they add a late entry to the running diary…
9:50 Murph (at dunkin donuts) “I’ll have this bottle of water and………..that banana” The entire store stopped, no one understood what they had heard, but the banana was rung up as an “extra dry topping”
11:25 – Biggest Boobies Ever
(R – These things were enormous. She wound up flashing the crowd one more time and then leaving because she was being heckled so much, but it was her own fault. You don’t come to Preakness with those things dressed in a skimpy bikini and expect not to be heckled. They get an 8 just due to sheer size although they are not my cup of tea)
11:34 – Dmo tries to hit Poppers with the Frisbee, he ducks and it hits Random Guy A
11:35 – Ric Flair Chop (R – I didn’t sell it)
11:37 – Jurgen the Hit Man Hart shows up to mourn the late Owen Hart

11:40 – Everyone agrees that The Big H is hot (O – The Big H was a petite Hopkins chick with a red bikini and a hat with an “H” on it. Her face kinda resembled Schwawa if only Schwawa was good looking and didn’t have huge gums)
11:41 – First Casualty (R – I’m guessing this was someone being carried out on a stretcher and when that usually happens people scream at him like he is a horse running in a race)
11:43 – Ostrowe and Poppers solve the puzzle, the answer was http://www.Carteretmorgage.com, Gutter show em what they have won
11:56 – Two girls take their shirts off and perform the most viewed chest bump this side of the Mississippi
12:00 pm – Dmo has wondered off by himself already and has been gone for 15 minutes
12:01 – Eddie O gets pantsed by Jurgen. Jurgen proclaims “He looks like Saddam but with a smaller penis”
12:20
– Rick and Ostrowe stop at Black Eyed Susan vendor to get souvenier glass. Ostrowe has the following conversation with the schwoogie behind the counter.
Ostrowe: “Can I get a Black Eyed Schwoogie?”
Schwoogie: “What? You mean Black Eyed Susie.”
Ostrowe: “Yeah, that too.”
12:33
– Unanimous decision that this is the best weather ever for a horse race
12:36
– Jurgen is hammered
Who will be more hammered by the end of the day?
Ostrowe – 12 votes
Jurgen – 2 votes (R – Even strangers were voting for Ostrowe, maybe they favored his nice eyes?)
12:41 – Ostrowe starts drinking vodka cranberry out of his one gallon bottle
12:42 – Poppers tries to pee on the fence but is met by cries of “noooooooooo” from chubby guy. It’s good to make your enemies early
12:45
– That kid is so emo (O – This group of emo kids sat down in front of us. This one kid was so emo, if you want to know how much more emo he could be, the answer would be none. None more emo.)
12:46 – Chubby guy tries to apologize for being an ass, Jurgen will have nothing of it, Ostrowe says “If this guy doesn’t get out of my face I am going to give him the stunner”
12:56 – Drunkenness Race opened up to all entries; Ostrowe is the favorite is win, Jurgen is the favorite to place and Dmo is the front runner to show. Poppers and Eddie O trail the pack
1:00 – Ostrowe runs into a guy who has a real version of his shirt
1:05 – Ostrowe tries to brutalize Rick with a chair shot but event staff R2’s his attack
1:06 – Ostrowe starts telling girls that they are wearing too much clothes
1:07 – Jurgen proclaims he will be back by the sixth race
1:15 – Chick pees on fence
1:16 – Boobies
1:20
– Poppers launches an unprovoked attack on the Chinese people next to us
“What are these Chinese Chickens? Is this a buffet? It’s the Preakness not the Chinese Derby. This is the Fucking Preakness not the God damn Tokyo Dome. Fusaichi Pegasus isn’t running today………………………I might show” (R- these Chinese people did nothing but sit next to us, even we didn’t say any degrading comments about them, Poppers just started ranting out of nowhere for no apparent reason) (O – even I thought Poppers was out of line and that’s saying something
1:24 – Some guy in a Michigan State shirt walks by, Poppers loves his shirt and takes 5 minutes to tell him so
1:28 – Ostrowe – “Poppers if we were trying to pick up guys, you’d be our MVP.” Ostrowe prematurely declares this to be his line of the day. Read on and decide for yourself if he was right.
1:29
– Testicle Guy makes Ostrowe the first winner of the day. Jurgen did not make it back for the sixth race
1:43 – Jurgen spears Poppers, or as my dad said, tries to act out Ostrowe’s shirt
1:46 – Jurgen’s phone apparently says some degrading things to him and he throws it for the first time
1:50 – Rick bets on the big race, doesn’t bet box Trifecta of Alex, Giacomo and Scrappy due to desire to have enough money to pay for the ride back
2:08 – Frisbee is gone
2:10 – Boobies
2:11 – Dmo pisses his pants a.k.a. he gets shoved into a porta potty
2:16 – Another hot chick walks by and Rick fails to get her attention
Poppers: “You blew it Rick
Rick: “If she had a penis you could have talked to her”
2:18 – Murph pronounced dead, partying with Reagan
2:20
Rick: “We should tell people that someone died”
Ostrowe: “Gerald Ford
Rick: “Too simple, it makes sense”
Ostrowe: “Chevy Chase
Rick: “hahahahahahaha, perfect”
Rick: “Hey mom. What? Chevy Chase
died? You’re kidding me. Of what? That’s terrible.” (hangs up phone) “Chevy Chase just died.”
2:25
– The rumor spreads like wildfire. (R – I blame the schools)
2:30 – Dmo vows to never take another Vegas Vacation; Ostrowe successfully feigns outrage: “What the hell is wrong with you, the guy hasn’t even been dead for 20 minutes!”
2:32 – Guy from Queens, who placed bets on Scrappy T because “he had the largest nuts” (Scrappy T is a gelding which means he has no balls), thinks it’s cool to be an asshole to random girls by pushing them into his pool. (R – He apparently read my website and took it all to heart)
2:45
– At least 200 people will know about the late Chevy Chase. (Most people are shocked, one guy immediately said that he must have been on drugs and the heart attack was a cover up)
2:56
– Jurgen is alive. He informs us that he has three important things to tell us. Who knows what they are? Not Jurgen.
2:59
– Jurgen/Ostrowe I – Ostrowe attempts to spear Jurgen. Jurgen manages to fight him off and wrestle him to the ground with a bag of chips in his hand. Jurgen is declared victorious and a truce is declared; Ostrowe waits 4 seconds before violating the truce with a brutal Flair chop.
3:00 – Dmo: “I only notice the horses when the people start screaming”
Ostrowe: “I notice that the chick in the blue is fat”
3:03 – Two people start making out and Jurgen walks over to give the chick tips on the proper way to kiss a guy
3:13 – Rick: “It’s so damn hot but at least I won everyone’s Maryland Hold’em Money.”
3:34 – First Aid working overtime, 3 dead in last 20 minutes
3:36 – Jurgen picks a fight with emo guys (R – good thing he walked away because those kids were way too emo for him)
3:40 – Jurgen launches cookies into crowd
3:50 – Poppers pronounced dead
3:53 – Hot chick walks by and as Rick stares at her ass the wind blows her skirt up to reveal that she isn’t wearing underwear. (R – Apparently word hasn’t reached God that we are the worst people ever
4:00
– Dmo flatulates in Rick’s general direction
4:02
– Ostrowe punches the beer out of Eddie O’s hand (O – I really thought this happened earlier in the day. But then again I really had no idea what was going on.
4:03
– Save of the Century: Jurgen trips over the cooler and somehow manages to not go ass over face
4:06
– Jurgen throws phone again and screams that “Hopkins Fucking Sucks”. Jurgen/Ostrowe II: This Time It’s Personal – Jurgen attempts to spear Ostrowe. Ostrowe blocks the spear and counters it into a DDT. Ostrowe declared victorious. Truce is called, this time no Flair chops.
4:07
– Murph comes back from the dead and appears out of thin air to pour beer on Dmo. Jurgen takes offense to it and proceeds to show Murph the proper way to pour beer on Dmo and the beer war erupts. Running Diary survives a scare
4:10
– Poppers still dead, Dmo, Ostrowe and Jurgen dissapear into oblivion (O – We were going to visit chicks. Hard to believe but true nonetheless.)
4:18 – On walk to visit chicks, Jurgen swipes 30 pack of Bud Light from frat-looking guys without breaking stride; frat guys don’t notice until it is too late.
4:20
– Poppers is alive, another dead person is carried by and Poppers is the only one who cares
4:21
– Dmo, Ostrowe and Jurgen arrive at chicks’ campsite. Ostrowe is introduced as Ostrowe, chicks are confused.
4:25
– Poppers shouts obscenities at and thus scares away a feeble Bernie Williams
4:27
– Ostrowe sits down on 30 pack which then collapses. Ostrowe then begins using 30 pack as footrest and using the chicks’ cooler as a pillow. In an unprovoked attack, Dmo kicks Jurgen in the face for absolutely no reason and the two begin wrestling in the dirt as the chicks scream at them to stop.
4:30
– Kentucky Derby lesbian look-alike spotted
4:31
– One of the chicks, Jen, makes the mistake of initiating a conversation with Ostrowe.
Jen: “So your name is Ostrowe?”
Ostrowe: “Yeah.”
Jen: “What’s your last name?
Ostrowe: “Ostrowe.”
Jen: “So what’s your first name?”
Ostrowe: “I don’t want to tell you, its gay.”
Jen: “Come on, just tell me.”
Ostrowe: “. . . Marty.”
4:36
– In yet another unprovoked attack, Dmo kicks the cooler out from under Ostrowe’s head.
4:40
– Poppers admits he had a crush on the MSU guy
4:41
– Jen: “This sucks, guys have been molesting me all day.”
Ostrowe: “Why?”
Jen: “Because of my shirt.”
Ostrowe: (notices her shirt says “Squeeze Me”) “Ooh, can I squeeze you?”
Jen: “NO!”
Ostrowe: (tries to molest Jen)
4:50
– Professor Poppers Revelation of the day®
“Every teen likes rap, not every teen likes Audioslave. Rock is too segregated” Pahhhh
4:54 – Dmo, Jurgen and Ostrowe return
4:56 – Ostrowe fully approves of Eddie O’s crotch (O – I was going to try and write an explanation of this but it just made me sound gayer)
5:00 – Ostrowe: “These guys are so loaded they passed out….that’s totally emo”
5:05 – Jurgen: “What is that thing?”
Ostrowe: “It’s practically the fetal position”
Jurgen: “No, your drink”
Ostrowe: “oh”
5:06 – Football flies from oblivion (or the beyond) and strikes Eddie O
5:07 – Jurgen drops his drink and goes on a Godzilla like rampage destroying the final game of Korean Rummy thus ruining everyone fun.
5:09 – My boy blue shows up mumbles more incoherent sentences than Rick in his sleep
5:11 – Jurgen takes his pants………………offffffffffff
5:12 – Poppers: “Murph is dead”
Ostrowe: “He’s more alive than Chevy Chase”

5:20 – Sweet Murph Teriyaki (O – Murph was lying on the ground with a Subway wrapper covering his face)
5:30 – A guy in his skivvies runs and dives into a kiddie pool that he has no relation to
Rick: “It must be nice to be in a state where that seems like a good idea”
5:32 – Some guy walks by with a shirt that says he went to Belmont in 1989. (R – I was six, he is at least 36 and still partying in the infield)
5:34
– Jurgen dons Ricks coat for no apparent reason and throws his phone again
5:36
– Ostrowe: (to some girls) “You need a place to sit? My face is open”
5:38
– Moment of silence for Murph denied
5:40 – Rick: “Hey look, that chick’s hot. But she’s smoking. :-(”
Ostrowe: “Who, Smokey Smokerstein
over there?” (R – Normally when a girl smokes she automatically loses ten points on a scale of ten with me, however, Smokey Smokerstein managed to be an exception)
5:47 – Emo kids begin Screaming Infidelities at each other
5:48 – Ostrowe: “Blondie, Blackie sit on my face”
5:50 – EMO FIGHT!
5:52
– Ostrowe: “Jimmy is gay.” (R – This was Ostrowe’s rebuttal to the fact that Jimmy would not be present on the booze cruise)
5:52 – Ostrowe hits on a chick who takes a rest in Eddie O’s chair
5:55 – Ostrowe’s Emo Meter breaks (R – This guy wasn’t very emo) (O – No wonder my emo meter broke, those kids sitting in front of us were too emo for it to handle)
6:00 – Ostrowe’s voice cracks
6:05 – Poppers: “ Giacomo’s mother is a whore, she fucks for money”

Everyone boos Giacomo
6:07
– Ostrowe writes his web address on some chicks arm
6:08 – Jurgen begins to pick a fight with Eddie O. Murph says he won’t do anything because Eddie O is passive
6:15
– Fight of the Century breaks out
Fisticuffs, Tom O’Leary, Jack Johnson all present
One guy grabs a folding chair and wreaks havoc on people’s heads and backs. Blood everywhere. The fight begins to settle down, the catalyst is restrained but some asshole lands a sucker haymaker to the catalyst’s face
6:16 – Ostrowe stuns Poppers (Poppers sells it)
6:18 – Fight of the Century breaks out again, more of the same
6:20 – Eddie O’s Chair threatens to slam Ostrowe’s face into a car windshield and then take his Mom out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again

Coach O’Shea’s chair never stood a chance. It even sold the stunner better than Dmo did after the NBA Draft.

6:22 – Disappointment, Rick’s un-bet $3 Trifecta hits, pays out $872 for every $2. 26 years without a Triple Crown winner
6:30 – Ostrowe spits on Rick’s jacket, Rick punches him, Ostrowe retaliates with a stunner, Rick doesn’t sell it (O – I don’t remember this. I don’t remember this at all)
7:00
– Recap of the walk back:
Ostrowe falls on his face while carrying the cooler
Inappropriate comments made by Ostrowe:

Schwoogie: “Anyone want to donate money to firefighters?”
Ostrowe: “Sorry I don’t speak Negro”
Rick: “I don’t know this kid, he just paid me to carry his cooler.”

“Take your top off”

Rick: “Hey look a Mustang”
Ostrowe: “Hey look a cheesy moustache……yea that’s right. I’m talking to you” (R – The guy was standing right next to us)

“Hey I want to have sex with your mouth”

“I want to touch your dirty parts”
7:30 – While driving on I-95:
Rick: (while on the phone with Sara he looks over at Ostrowe) “What the Fuck are you doing! Are you trying to pee out the window?”
Ostrowe: (arrogantly) “Yeah”
7:31
– Rick pulls over and Ostrowe walks 100 yards into the woods to pee (Post Script – 3 weeks later)
7:48
– Return to Westgate. While standing outside of the car Rick and Ostrowe decide to leave the cooler in the car, Dmo just walks over and picks it up and carries it inside
7:50 – After seeing a picture of Sara, Ostrowe proclaims,
“I want to pee on Sara Squareboobs” (O – I don’t remember saying this. Sara, I apologize. Unless you are into that sort of thing, then we can work something out.)
8:00 – Rick barely has enough money to get home, so lets go to Olive Garden
8:05 – Dmo tells us about the Formal Ric Flair Chop, it’s delicate and features a grab at the end
8:10 – Ostrowe: “Thanks for holding the door Mr. Negro” (R – We should be dead)
8:13 – We decide not to wait 40 minutes at Olive Garden, but neglect to return the beeper they give us. Dmo thinks it’s a good idea to walk across Route 1
8:20 – While driving across the street, Ostrowe passes out chanting “Big Lenny”
8:22 – Ostrowe passes out at Ledo’s, Dmo hits him with menu
8:23 – Ostrowe: (to waitress) “I just want you to write down on your notepad that this guy (Rick) likes to have sex with men”
8:25 – Waitress falls for Chevy Chase “joke”
8:26 – It’s official, no one should ever talk to us, we are the worst people ever
8:40 – Food comes, Ostrowe leaves. Hilarity ensure watching Ostrowe try to find the car in his state
9:00
– Rick: (to Ostrowe) “Why the hell are you pants off”
Ostrowe: “I was walking back to the car and they just fell off, I tried to stop them. They are just poorly constructed”
9:04 – The beeper starts going off, our table is ready at Olive Garden
11:13 – Rick declares that we will NOT make it to Mar’s graduation tomorrow
11:20 – Our table is still ready
11:45 – Dmo goes to bed without playing anymore Korean Rummy

Sunday May 22

12:07 am – Still playing Smackdown. Officially not going to Graduation
12:15 – Ostrowe wins last pants standing match (R – I know this sounds gay but I assure you it’s not)
12:16 – Ostrowe crashes into Rick’s good knee…..clearly a lie
4:08 – Rick mumbles inaudible sentence in his sleep
7:00 – Rick awakes as Murph and Eddie O leave and he tells Ostrowe that he was glad we left an hour ago for Mar State
7:30 – CSI is called in to figure out who drowned the Olive Garden beeper in the sink
8:30 – Dmo points out that we could still probably make it to Mar’s graduation; we decide to sit around playing Smackdown for 4 hours instead of making the attempt.
9:00 – We’re only an hour from Mar State, but somehow we are still playing Smackdown in MD
10:00
– Mar calls Rick. (R – In the background all I could hear was the graduation that we were not at)
Rick: “Happy Graduation”
Mar: “What?” (Hangs up)
12:00
– Instead of leaving for NY, Rick and Dmo go out to look for cables for camera/TV connection.
12:20 pm – Rick realizes his phone is gone
1:00 – Korean Rummy controversy but finally the belt has come back to Rockland

Official Scorecard of the Preakness Korean Rummy Championship 5/21/05
Dmo Rick Ostrowe
-.25 -.50 +.75
+.50 -.75 +.25
+1.25 -1.00 -.25
+2.00 -1.50 -.50
+3.25 -1.75 -1.50
+4.75 -2.75 -2.00
+6.25 -3.25 -3.00
+7.50 -4.25 -3.25
+7.25 -5.25 -2.00
+3.25 -.25 -3.00
+3.00 -1.25 -1.75
+2.00 EVEN -2.00
+2.75 -.25 -2.50
+2.50 +1.00 -3.50
+2.25 +1.75 -4.00
+2.00 +1.25 -3.25
+1.50 +2.00 -3.50
The winner and NEW Korean Rummy Champion, The Rick
(R – I’d like to thank Jurgen and Buddy C for making this possible)

1:16 – Rick: “I am a reckless abandon.”
1:34 – We get passed by a car with a “BURGNDY” license plate; surprisingly we don’t get hit in the face with a burrito.
1:50
– We pass a Bobby’s Potty on the side of the road.
2:26 – We pass an Ashy Larry lookalike with a “HYNOTIK” license plate blaring Alice Cooper’s “Poison” on his car stereo. Don’t think anyone saw that coming.
3:02 – The bad news is Rick can’t use a cell phone near the gas pump, the good news is that he doesn’t have a phone to use
3:07 – Ostrowe declares his advice for chicks: “The only way to get a guy to stop talking about another girl is to suck it”
3:16 – Rick declares Delaware to be the “Worst. State. Ever.” (Now we all know how much Rick hates Massachusetts
, but Delaware is worse thanks to this simple mathematical reason. Massachusetts has about 4 times the amount of suck as Delaware, however, it is about 5 times bigger than Delaware, therefore Delaware has more suck per square mile than Massachusetts)
3:18 – Rick loses his mind completely, starts singing Adam Sandler’s “Hanukah Song” and “Lonely Jew on Christmas” from South Park
4:18 – Another traffic jam = More evidence of poor planning on Rick’s part
4:30 – Rick loses his mind again
4:32 – There’s nothing to do in New Hampshire but be Emo
4:48 – Rick looks in the mirror and thinks to himself, “hey that person has a Springfield College Sticker”. It’s on the car he is driving
5:34
– Rick’s parents’ plane lands; we are still sitting in traffic in the middle of Jersey.
5:37
– Rick’s dad calls and expresses his disgust with us for not leaving earlier.
5:59
– Rick’s dad calls once more to express his disgust and threaten us with bodily harm.
6:04
– Rick’s parents call back and tell us not to bother picking them up.
6:10 – Moment of silence held in honor of the late Smokey Smokerstein, who won’t be able to make it to next year’s Preakness due to succumbing to lung cancer.
6:12
– We stop to fill up Rick’s dad’s tank as a gesture of good faith.
6:15
– Ostrowe suggests that when Rick’s dad yells at him for not picking them up, Rick tell his dad, “You’ll get over it, you’re just having your period.” Rick spits soda all over himself as a result of Ostrowe’s suggestion. (R – I assure you Dad, this was never an option
6:35
– After playing several 3 stages of hell matches over the weekend, we have clearly found the fourth stage of hell: this ride back.
6:41
– Finally, The Rick and Ostrowe have come BACK to Rockland.
Rick: “You wanna go to the Big S?”
Ostrowe: “With what money?
Rick: “Touche’, Marty.”
6:50
– Sara Squareboobs is clairvoyant. On Saturday, she told Rick that she wished he got a new phone, and on Sunday he lost his phone. Pahhhhhh.
7:36 – Rick finally arrives home, awaits scolding of a lifetime
7:45 – Rick finds out that some guy called Brian earlier reporting that some one found Rick’s phone, there is a chance the Startac might be saved (R – We are working with a real rocket scientist here, after looking through my phone book he decided to call Brian instead of home
7:55 – Judgement hour, receive cocotazo from parents
8:30 – Rick shows his parents and his Aunt the pictures from the trip, they respond with “You guys are losers no wonder you can’t pick up chicks” (R – At least you can always rely on your family to be brutally honest

Well, we set out to accomplish three things this weekend. Preakness, Mar State and pick up Rick’s parents, only one occurred but since we were involved this was expected. The over/under in Vegas was at 1.5 but the casino stoped taking bets because too many people bet the under. At the end of Saturday Ostrowe clearly has more to drink than Jurgen, but Jurgen was in pretty bad shape so the race was determined to be a dead heat. Dmo showed by a neck over Poppers. Murph tested positive for Irish genes so he was declared ineligible for the race.

Official Ranking of Triple Crown Races on the Piccinich Scale
Race Highlights
1) 2003 Belmont: It poured all day. This is not an exaggeration. It was a down pour from 9 am till 7 pm. This was the site of the lemon relay, Ostrowe stealing a stretcher from the men’s room, Ostrowe intentionally peeing himself after rationalizing it to everyone around him and an all in all good time. Funny Cide failed to win the Triple Crown extending the drought to 26 years without a Triple crown winner
2) 2005 Preakness: Perfect weather and for the rest see running diary above. The day went too quickly . The only bad part was the abscence of Mar
3) 2004 Kentucky Derby:
It’s the derby, bad weather led to great weather led to the worst rainstorm ever led to decent weather. Lesbians, Hacksaw, Mud Puddle Mosh Pit. Did I mention that we spent two days in Kentucky as part of a 4 day roadtrip and nothing went wrong. Except all three of us hitting our faces on the shower head in the hotel even with the warnings
4) 2004 Preakness: Our first visit to the Pimlico infield allowed us to witness Ostrowe’s crazy sunburn, Ostrowe licking random chicks, Ostrowe blacking out for 5 hours, Ostrowe screaming about his late uncle to Long Island guys sitting next to us. Ostrowe was clearly the MVP of this day.
5) 2003 Preakness: Sandy Chang, Ben Howland, Chesey Moustache guy stomps our camera
6) 2004 Belmont: Pupino makes fun of Philly all day, Alan Embree’s mistress, Smarty Piccinich Jones crushes the dream of millions and extends the streak to 27
7) 2002 Belmont: Ostrowe was not present for this one, it was our virgin race. Jamie Fitzgerald drove us. There was a huge fight at the end. We were passive except for when we traded a quarter handle of Uncle Jack for 4 beers

One comment on “Retro Post: Preakend 2005

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