Last night was the Fitzy’s Christmas Party. For those of you who don’t know, Fitzy’s is a small, hole-in-the-wall bar that will never be described as a hot spot. Everyone who goes there knows everyone else. On a busy night there may be 20 people there, 95% of which are male. Then there is the food menu which can’t be beat. It consists of Cheetos, Super Pretzels, and Mini Pizza’s. They once experimented with having a soup of the day. But the only day was Friday…and it was always New England Clam Chowder (was it the red or the white?). It didn’t work out. There are a million stories which can explain the aura of Fitzy’s, but that would take way too long. Just know that it is my favorite bar in Rockland mostly because it is the exact opposite of Nyack.
Fitzy’s has a very distinct cast of characters. On any given night, at least 3 of the following people will be there:
Francis: Basically Fitzy’s in a nut shell. On nights he is not there, people are worried that he may be dead. I have no clue what he does for a living, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did it drunk.
Patrick: A bartender at Fitzy’s. On nights he is not bartending, he is at the bar drinking with his lady friend. He is the inventor of the art of repeating song lyrics in a “hey you should be writing this down” voice in order to sound profound.
Evelyn: Will always ask you if you know her son Bobby. He is in a death metal band. She is straight up insane. Before Fitzy’s I knew her as the Rockland Lake Driving Range Swindler. And until I wrote the previous sentence, I had totally forgotten that fact about her, that’s how memorable her Fitzy’s persona is. (Kind of like how people forget that Barry Bonds used to be a base stealer not a home run hitter)
Joey O: Back when he was my age he was jumping fences and setting records. If you look in the North High School Record Book they’re there.
Nunzio: He is literally a WWF/ECW wrestler. The first time I ever saw him at Fitzy’s was Christmas Day 2005. He was drinking alone, it was kind of sad, but he is a good guy.
Terry: The boss. He is a bartender at Fitzy’s and usually pregames and postgames at Fitzy’s. Then goes home at 4:00 AM, goes to sleep until 4 PM, puts something in the oven, then does it all over again.
That brings us to the Fitzymas Party, basically the antithesis of a normal night at Fitzy’s. There were close to 100 people there (including 8 females) and on top of that the party was catered. The Marty Party included all the usual suspects: Rick, Dmo, Ostrowe, Mr. Stanton, Sarge, and Ole Mel made a cameo before she left to get some rest for another day of teaching the future Spicy Jennifer’s of the world. These are some of the stories of the evening:
Last week Dmo went to the Rockland Lake Christmas Party. While there he had an interesting conversation with Jimmy Han. I can’t properly tell you the story, so I was forced to provide you with video. Dmo asked Jimmy how Rey Vivar was. The following is my attempt to imitate Dmo’s imitation of what Jimmy responded with. Keep in mind Jimmy is a Korean golf professional so his English isn’t the best.
Can you figure out what Jimmy was trying to say. No? I’ll let you know at the end.
CM Point showed up and as usual he was too much. On this night the phrase that pays was: “You called out the thunder, well you got it. Security. Hey Roddy. [punch]” Repeated ad nausea.
A second CM Point story. At some point this guy walked in and stopped the entire bar. He tried to tell everyone that he just moved into the area and that his wife’s dogs were roaming around the area. Upon hearing this CM Point turned to Ostrowe and me and said that he couldn’t drink another sip unless he went out looking for the dogs. 35 minutes later he had yet to return and Ostrowe and I were about to stop the entire bar and announce that our friend was roaming around the area (he responds to beep bop boop bip). Five minutes later he walked in the door, without the dogs, and we were informed that he drove in his car around the neighborhood then was forced to park half a mile away due to the amount of people. Later in the night one of the dogs walked into Fitzy’s through an open door and both dogs made it back to the owner.
Patrick: If someone here has a green suburban, you have to move your car. You are about to get towed.
Patrick: Because you parked on someones lawn
Jeopardy Video Clue Answer: Jimmy was trying to say that Rey’s Dad has Alzheimer’s
Epilogue: We talked to Terry the day after the Fitzymas party. Francis slept at Fitzy’s. He woke up at 7 AM and his mom picked him up and drove him to work (If you don’t know Francis is like 50). Terry got home at 10 AM