Come listen to a story all about how our life got flipped, turned upside down. We’d like to take a minute, just sit right there and we’ll tell you all about this season’s Baltimore affair.
This year, like most, with less than a week till post time, we still had no plans for the weekend set. Dmo was in North Carolina, Mar & Jim$ in Hoboken, and Ostrowe & I in Rockland. All we knew was that Ostrowe would be driving down by himself because he would be going to North Carolina after the race. Originally we thought we would stay with Poppers. Nope. His dad was spending the night. Then we thought we could stay with Melissa and her friends. Nope. Not enough room. Then we thought we could stay with Jim$ lady friend. Nope. “Not enough room there either.” Then we thought we could stay with Mar’s friend from school. Nope. She doesn’t like Ostrowe. Then we tried to stay with Chubbs. Nope. $6.99/lb joke. At this point we were ready to sleep in the car. It had been done before, so I wasn’t really worried.
With no place to stay we decided it was time to try to add more people to our party. We set out trying to convince Moro and Anfron to join our merry caravan. After a few mail chain sessions, Moro and Anfron were in. Add them to Brock Singleton and two of Dmo’s friends from work and we had quite the bunch. Now we just needed a place to stay. On Thursday I finally suggested we get a hotel room for three nights. We surfed the web and found a Best Western 25 minutes from Pimlico costing $150 for two nights for one person. Ostrowe booked the room online since he was going down first and since there was five of us the room was costing us $30 each. Quite the find if I must say so myself. Of course after Ostrowe booked the room we found out that in fact, we could have stayed with Melissa’s friend.
The day before the Preakness, the mail chain kept chugging along. Moro and Anfron wanted to know more about what to expect. Moro also wanted to know what bar we were going to afterwards. Rookie mistake. We tried to tell him he was completely underestimating the Preakness, but he didn’t believe us. One by one we started leaving work and this is where we lay our scene.
Act I, Scene I (A.K.A. Friday)
12:07 PM Ostrowe arrive at Melissa’s house to pick her up. Sadly she is not wearing pants under her pants.
12:09 Ostrowe shows off his gentlemanly traits by carrying Melissa’s bags and holding the door for her. Melissa is put in charge of the running diary as car number one begins it’s journey to Preakness
2:07 Melissa disrespects the running diary by placing it on the floor of the car, receives scolding. 2:10 Ostrowe asks Melissa if she wants to stop for a food/pee break. Melissa responds: ” I can always pee.”
2:28 The first cheesy moustache sighting of the weekend.
2:39 Disaster befalls the humble party as they attempt to fill up the car with gasoline. As soon as the gas station employee walks away, the pump shuts off. Try as he may Ostrowe can’t get the pump to restart. Finally he has to move his car closer to the pump.
4:27 Flatulence. Since no name has been attached to it, I can only assume that Melissa is the source.
4:30 The humble party drives by a random guy in a wheelchair rolling down Baltimore side streets
4:33 Ostrowe drops off Melissa and admonishes her for awful running diary techniques such as unnecessarily writing on the backs of pages, leaving the running diary on the floor and entries placed in non-chronological order. All rookie mistakes, hopefully she learns for next time.
5:27 After a relaxing train ride from Grand Central to Tarrytown, Rick boards the bus to the mall. The phone rings and Mar is on the other end saying that he is at BJ’s. Mar is going to buy some chips and other assorted snacks for the ride down to Maryland. Rick tells him that anything is OK by him. Rick asks Mar if he has bought his ticket yet. Mar confirms that he has.
5:29 Ostrowe arrives at hotel in Edgewood MD, which is nowhere near Edgemont.
5:30 Rick calls Moro and Ostrowe to find out if they have bought their tickets yet. They have. All week, Rick was the one campaigning that everyone should buy there ticket online, yet he it is, Friday afternoon and Rick is still ticket-less. As a last ditch effort he calls his brother and walks him through the ticket purchasing process. Once that is complete he also has his brother print out directions from the hotel to Pimlico for him. Apparently, even though he sits next to a printer all day, Rick did not have anytime to do any of this during his busy day of surfing the Internet.
5:35 Ostrowe is checked into the hotel by Jeb; he has scraggly blond hair balding at the top and a goatee without any other facial hair. he kinda resembles Shaggy from Scooby Doo only if you were afraid he was going to sneak into your room at night and chop you up in the bathtub.
5:43 Rick’s bus driver for the evening is a little Buddy C-ish and takes the long, roundabout way to get to the mall. It got to the point that everyone on the bus was questioning the drivers competency loud enough for him to hear. Rick just sat there laughing. That kind of stuff just doesn’t bother him to much, everyone has a bad day once in a while. There are plenty of other things to get riled up about. Like being robbed.
5:50 The alarm clock in the next room over from Ostrowe starts going off; it will continue going off for the next 20 minutes before the front desk calls Ostrowe and asks if there is anything they can do to improve his stay.
6:15 After a quick pit stop at home, Rick picks up Mar. As he enters the car, Mar informs Rick that he did not buy any chips or snacks. He instead opted for 24 packs of Trident White gum. He hopes that he can whiten his teeth over the course of the weekend.
6:20 The caravan arrives a la casa del Moro. He walks out with his bag, a cooler, and a faux-hawk:
Rick: Bahahaha, you’re cooler looks like an Oma…..It is an Omaha Steaks cooler
Moro: And I brought a GameBoy for the ride. I borrowed it from my co-workers seven-year old son.
Chris Hanson: In these messages sent back and forth Dgenerate316 says: “Can I borrow you’re GameBoy for the weekend?” Our Decoy, I’mNotWorkingForDateline says: “Sure, you can play with my GameBoy whenever you want.” Dgenerate316 responds: “Ok, great I’ll be over in a little bit.”
Moro: Mar, I brought a GameBoy, what did you bring?
6:30 While on the road Mar and Rick try to explaining more of the Preakness to Moro. Just then a running theme of the weekend is born:
Rick: When you look up Preakness in the dictionary, you see the word “shit-show”
Moro: No, you see Terry Galigan.
6:32 As the caravan, now three men strong pull into Anfron’s driveway Mar hopes out loud that Anfron doesn’t not get arrested this weekend.
6:36 Moro announces that his only goal for the weekend is to provide nineteen-year-old girls with alcohol.
6:43 The caravan is well on their way and as is the case with any long trip which features a Piccinich or two, blank paper and sharpies are a must. Mar and Rick explain the joy of making signs for other motorist on the road to Moro and Anfron. Moro comes up with the early favorite: “Hey Honeybuns.”
6:49 Moro: I know how we can pass time. Let’s just start saying ______ ________!
7:01 Upon entering the loathsome state of New Jersey, we stop to take advantage of their lower gas prices. At the pump next to us is a little wiener car reminiscent of the Really Tall Guy’s car in the Simpsons. Moro starts to write his Honeybuns sign, but completely over thinks it. He decides to wait to see how Mar does it.
7:13 The initial excitement that comes from the drive down to Preakness is waning. The mood in the car is a shell of its previous state.
7:21 Things pick up as we get our first client. Two sorority girls laugh at a series of signs that Mar and Anfron show them. As a note, these are not the stereotypical sorority girls that you are picturing. They are dumping looking girls who happen to have Greek letters on the back windshield.
7:32 Moro channels his inner Vince Vaughn as he chants his mantra in the back seat, almost in a trance: “Preakness Baby, Preakness.”
7:36 Moro officially is becoming the MVP of the first half of the trip. He is throwing out one-liners left and right. They may not always be the most politically correct things, but he is making us laugh. This time he has an idea for a new sign: “I’m just gonna write that I’m Jewish. This way they know I make a lot of money, I’m circumcised, and I’ll have tinted windows so they can’t see my big nose.” Come to think of it, what the hell is he talking about.
7:51 We pass a brunette on the left who is on the cell phone while driving a BMW. She refuses to acknowledge the hilarity of our signs.
Anfron: Typical Jersey Bitch.
7:59 Ostrowe spill water all over himself as he gets into his car to go run some errands
8:45 Rick hasn’t eaten in five or six hours, he is practically withering away. Luckily the next rest stop has a Pizza Hut. Rick’s eyes brighten as they pull into the parking lot. The caravan rushes inside and gets on the Blimpie/Pizza Hut/TCBY line. The line is long and is clearly not going anywhere fast. New Pizza Hut Pizzas come out of the oven, and nobody makes a move for them. Rick so badly wants the fresh pies so he tries to find out what everyone is waiting for:
Rick: Hey are you guys online for Blimpie?
Fake Avril and her Dopey Boyfriend: [No Response]
Rick: Are you guys getting Blimpie?
FA & DB: [No Response]
Rick: Blimpie? Blimpie? Are you guys online? Blimpie? Are you getting Blimpie? Ok then.
FA & DB: [No Response]
Mar: [A mental F*** This, and he walks around everyone and makes a b-line to the pizza]
We all got fresh pizza, except for Moro, and everyone that was in front of us on line. Turns out they were on line for Pizza Hut. Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey we don’t like you or your boyfriend. Deal with it. While waiting for the cashier to help everyone, Rick eats 3/4 of his pizza, but he is unable to convince the cashier to give him a discount.
8:55 The caravan piles back into the car and Ostrowe calls us to find out what we want from Subway. For being retarded, we are actually pretty heady and buy sandwiches the night before and bring them into Pimlico. Moro orders an oven roasted chicken sandwich on cheddar bread, and Ostrowe is forced to point out that the sandwich will probably be cold by the time he eats it tomorrow at noon.
9:20 Excitement is at an all-time low as the caravan is engulfed in windedness. After ten minutes of being in Delaware, we finally make it into Maryland.
10:00 The Caravan arrives at it’s destination: Edgewood, Maryland. 20 minutes North of Baltimore. There is a Waffle House across the street!!
10:20 A scholarly debate takes place on the subject of comfort/gayness levels associated with the sleeping arrangements. Mar just wants to sleep on a mattress, he doesn’t care is he has to share one. The rest of the gang, however, is a little reticent. It is decided we will be tearing apart the room.
10:30 After Ostrowe is on the phone with the Waffle House Customer Service Representative, he regrets to inform us that the Waffle House across the street still is under construction and won’t be open for a month or so.
10:40 While deciding when to wake up, Ostrowe announces that he needs at least 15 minutes to do his hair. He is going to wake up at 6:15 and the rest of us are getting up at 6:30.
Mar: Did you remember to pack you’re vagisil?
Ostrowe: How many chicks have you had sex with recently?
Mar: Well, I didn’t have sex with a beanbag.
10:43 It’s hard to describe how we rearranged the room so I call you’re attention to Figure 1.1:
Act II, Scene I (A.K.A Saturday)
2:00 AM Rick is awoken by the sound of Police Cars flying by outside. He can only assume the worse based on their geographic location. He shrugs it off and goes back to sleep.
4:50 Rick wakes up and does a 180 in bed, so that the blood stops rushing to his head. It turns out everyone is awake. And if they are not, Rick kicks the light to make sure everyone is up. Moro asks what time is it and when Ostrowe replies “4:50” everyone lets out a “wow” followed by a sigh of relief and we all go back to bed.
6:15 Everyone is awake, but only Ostrowe gets up since he has to do his hair. Moro informs everyone that his eyes met with Mar’s on several occasions during the night, Mar vehemently denies the accusations. Rick starts to regal the gang with stories from his dreams in which he was Spider-Man and at the Preakness. Everyone feels refreshed after an good night of sleep, except for Mar who got eight hours of laying down.
6:23 After 8 minutes of pre-shower preparation, Ostrowe turns the shower on. Anfron tells us about his dream in which he almost achieved his life-long dream of banging an Asian, however, she turned out to be a lesbian.
6:30 Ostrowe finishes his shower as Mar finds his phone filled with condensation since he left it on the air conditioner all night.
Anfron: [Upon finding an unused blanket at Moro’s feet] Moro you didn’t even use this blanket last night? I had to use jizz blanket
6:36 Ostrowe out of shower. 23 minutes.
6:40 Rick is playing GameBoy Color and narrating everything he is doing a la Carter Pewterschmidt watching an episode of Medium. Examples: “ooh Spider-Man . . . Hey look at me, I’m Spidey . . . Go Spidey go . . . ooh Wrestlemania 18 . . . Wow these guys are old . . . I’m gonna be Chris Jericho . . . I’m gonna fight Bubba Ray . . . My ring entrance is so cool.” (repeat ad nausea)
7:17 First ceremonial beer cracked by Ostrowe.
7:30 The rest of the crew is done with their showers. An average of 13.5 minutes per person. During this time, Ostrowe went down to the lobby and raided the continental breakfast. Since the room only has four full sized towels, Rick was forced to dry himself with two hand towels.
8:00 This is shocking. The car is all packed, we are ready to go (exactly when we wanted to be). This is too good to be true. Things are going smoothly…a little too smoothly
8:01 Hey look it’s Raph…..a little too Raph
8:20 We make it to Pimlino in record time. Each of the previous four-years we have parked in the same yard each year. Granted this yard is a good 30 minutes away from the entrance, it has become a Preakness home base. This year, for whatever reason, Rick decides to go against tradition. He pulls over at the first house that is offering parking. They can see the infield entrance from where they sit and immediately five fine entrepreneurial young men surround the car beckoning us to park on their lawn:
Rick: How Much??
Rick: Do you guys have change of $100
Rick: [Slowly hands $100 out the passenger-side window]
EYM: [Grabs the bill and runs away screaming] I got $100, I got $100
8:21 [Mouths Agape]
8:22 [Mouths Agape]
8:23 [Mouths Agape]
(NC: OK, yes I know this was incredibly stupid on my part, I realize that. I really don’t have anyone to blame but myself. But to be honest I didn’t even think anything of it as I was doing it. Maybe I’m a little too trusting of people. Oh well, no use fretting over it anymore. It happens. Later in the day Ostrowe would dramatilize the events, and you know what, it was funny.)
The gang is still shell shocked walking to the infield. Not a word is spoken. Ostrowe breaks the silence by putting everything into perspective: “Everything was going perfectly, either that was going to happen or someone was going to die.” (R: When you put it that way I would gladly pay $100 to guarentee that we all survive the weekend.)8:35
The gang arrives in the infield. Ostrowe forgot suntan lotion, Rick forgot the deck of cards. Dmo retains his championship belt.8:45
Dmo, Brock, Sven, and Matt are dropped off at Preakness by Brock’s mother-in-law. Moro actually calls Brock by his real name, which will not be published. It’s like calling Rick or Mar by their real names, it doesn’t happen. Brock comes in telling us the story of the time he saw the most perfect breasts five minutes ago.9:00
In a bit of blatant foreshadowing, Brock starts to take over the running diary:
Brock: “Just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu”9:08
Mar: What are you betting on today?
Rick: I don’t know, I’m already down $100
Ostrowe: Never bet on black9:09
Standing around doing nothing give Brock the urge to clothesline people. This could be hazardous to the health of a lot of people.9:19
Brock predicts that he will body slam Ostrowe by 1:30 PM9:21
Brock (starting to see a pattern yet?) tries to justify his acts: “I’m married and my wife is in New York for a year. You do the math.”9:30
There is an African-American gentleman in the infield wearing a shirt that says: “Kiss me, I’m a Lepricoon”9:31
Dmo: Too bad Big Lenny is not here to kick your ass
Brock: Big Lenny is a pussy9:33
Ostrowe and Moro come back from an excursion into the depths of the infield sans Anfron. The first disapearence/casualty of the day.9:39
Sven’s leg gets gashed open by a mystery object. Pimlico is a cruel beast.9:41
The frisbee circle takes form. Being that the circle is about 4 feet in diameter, it doesn’t make for compelling anything. It takes only seconds for Brock to get hit in the face.9:42
This circle has lasted almost longer than the original circle two years ago. Nevermind. Ostrowe gets hit in the beer and in a fit of rage launches the frisbee into the crowd.9:43
Brock gracefully retrieves the frisbee in a secretive manner, however, as he returns to our campsite Event Staff follows closely on his heels and issues us a stern warning.9:45
As a chick walks by, Brock makes his move:
Brock: Hi Hun.
[Chick does not aknowledge Brock and continues walking]
Brock: Damn, I wanted her titties in my face9:53
A conversations takes shape about the merits and boundaries of “No Homo.” For those of you not familiar, saying “No Homo” before or after doing anything questionable totall absolves you from undertones associated with the act.9:57
Over/Under: How many times Moro mentions Terry: 250.9:58
Moro: Does [Sunra] know how lucky she is? She’s dating the Captain10:07
As is the tradition at the Preakness many of the people, guys and girls included, who sit near the fence do not wait on the long lines for the portapotties, they just pee on the trackside fence. It should be noted though that on the other side of the trackside fence are Baltimore Police and even some army guys. On this occasion, while Baltimore’s finest are making a perimeter walk there is some hopeless guy peeing and cop proceeds to spray his pecker with pepper spray, watching that guy jump from far away was the height of hilarity.10:14
Sven expresses his desire to one day own a little person.10:20
No one outside our circle wants anything to do with Brock. He is a He-Man woman repeller. It stands to be noted that try as we may to make our campsite as big as possible after a few minutes we always wind up standing shoulder length apart. I think we may stop off at Macy’s after the race.10:22
Brock is good and lubricated (read: drunk). He takes his shirt off and now all girls are 15 feet away from him.10:25
The first random U-S-A chant of the day. Someone should write a book about this phenomina.10:27
Rick: If I have a daughter, she is never going to the Preakness.10:28
Wow. Ostrowe and Brock are actually carrying on conversation with other people and it’s before Noon. Meanwhile, Rick stands back and just watches from his perch on the cooler and just writes down this running diary entry.10:31
This is truly amazing folks. Ostrowe, Brock, and Moro have been talking to Shelly the school teacher for three minutes now and have not once asked her to take her shirt offfffffffffff. This could be a modern day record. Someone make sure they are not coming down with something.10:35
Moro sits on the poorly constructed cooler and falls through the top of it. He picks himself up out of the cooler and puts the top back on. Seconds later Anfron sits on the cooler and falls through the top.10:37
Rick goes through the cooler as he goes to stand on it11:01
Horses whizz by for the first time today. As Ostrowe turns his head to follow the action he gets a face full of boxers. Behind him is a skinny, white, high school kid with his pants around his knee. Brock takes one look at him and tries to set him straight. However, no matter how many times Brock tells the kid that he is not black, the wigger maintains that this is his style.11:15
Rick is pummeled by Brock (R: That is what is written and I don’t even know how to embellish it, so lets just go with that)11:20
By this point Matt has been wearing the Korean Rummy Championship Belt for over an hour. Brock then starts talking to any people who walk by: “He is the champ. And you know why? Because he is the only one that belt fits on.”11:21
Brock follows in Poppers footsteps by excelling at picking up guys. He tries to justify this skill by saying that if we run out of beer, we can take theirs.11:34
Ostrowe gets hit with the frisbee and loses his beverage for the second time.11:39
Have you ever seen PCU. You know the scene when they are throwing the party and there are only guys in the pit and they start chanting for chips and beer. That is what it is like in the infield right now.11:40
After seeing the fourth Chase Utley jersey of the day (Mike Utley? [Thumbs Up]) Rick and Ostrowe go take a picture with the guy. Well not so much the guy, as much as his back. Two pictures are taken, one by a random drunk and one by Brock. Ostrowe has more faith in the random drunk.11:43
Brock’s most recent rant of the day: “If you don’t show your tits you’re a communist. You’re a terrorist.” Brock is quickly becoming the anti-christ of personality, people are literally backing away from him.11:44
Poppers shows up11:45
Brock harasses a nearby lady: “Don’t Fuck with me Turquoise, show me your tits.” Well I guess the good thing is that he never physically harassed any girls…11:51
He just won’t stop, he just won’t stop. “You there. You look like you have a sister. Get her to show her tits.”12:08
Ostrowe: (To a girl that walks by him) Hi. Can I buy you a house?12:10
After doning a cape Brock jumps on a cooler and says: “I am Super-Titty-Looker-Ater.”12:15
Poppers leaves. That was a noteworthy visit. You ever notice when someone says “Maybe I’ll stop by” or “Maybe I’ll see you later,” Vegas doesn’t even take bets on these statements. You can guarentee you won’t see them again. There isn’t a person who doesn’t do this.12:30
Brock win the Masters and has a random drunk put the Green Jacket on him12:51
Three girls come to our campsite. Grab one of our blankets and proceed to use it as a pee shield. Once they are finished Matt runs over, grabs the blanket and hugs/licks it.1:15
Ostrowe has been gone one hour. I’m sure if he was in any condition to keep a coherent running diary there would be some funny entries here.1:06
The kids with the Green Jacket have become Brock’s new fan club. He is demonstrating wrestling moves for them and using Anfron as his wrestling buddy.1:10
The crowd is so ancy that whenever a girl goes up on someone’s shoulders and does not flash the crowd, people from all directions just start hurling beer cans, filled with beer, in that general direction.1:13
And now we present you with the third way to go to the bathroom at the Preakness. Step One: Cut a hole in box. Step Two: Put your junk in the box. Step Three: Then you pee in the box.1:14
As Brock puts Anfron in a full nelson, some Penn State students start a “We Are” “Penn State” chant. We counter act their chant with a “We Are” “Moon Crickets.” No one is amused, well, besides us of course1:27
Brock fulfills his prediction of body slamming Ostrowe. And he is three minutes early.1:30
Moro: Guess who I am [Sticks his tongue against his lower lip to imitate having dip in his mouth]
Then he goes on a five-minute rant about Terry peaking with “What does he do all day!”1:35
Five minutes later Ostrowe finally gets his revenge on Brock. However, the brutal Ric Flair Chop that he delivers breaks his watch1:40
Sven draws a smiley face out of sunscreen on a passed out chick’s ass. He is immediately chastised by the protectors of said drunk chick. Maybe they shouldn’t have let their guard down.
Anfron attempts to ask a chick if her boobs are real. Before he gets a chance to ask he is cut off by some guy who thinks that Anfron could be a date rapist. I don’t blame him.2:00
Anfron is by far the drunkest of the group, Brock is drunk too, but he not showing the effects as much. Good thing Anfron just walked away alone, who knows if we will ever see him alive again2:15
Moro finally admits that he will not be making it to a bar after Preakness. The infield claims another victim.2:20
This is too much, too much man
Dmo: Bah I’m old
Moro: How do you think Terry feels?!2:30
Matt pours more beer on the passed out drunk chick as the Navy Seals parachute onto the track in their annual tradition. Once again Moro creams his pants: “One of those has to be Terry! That would be his entrance!”2:35
For the first time today a patron of the infield has been led out by the Police. He is late this year. As Brock chugs a random bottle of alcohol that his new friends provide him the perp catches his eye and he walks besides him for 250 yards mocking him.2:40
Mar tries to wake me up by calling me a ji****oo but I’m not asleep, and he is also not talking to me.2:42
The annual jet fly over. Pretty much a guaranteed U-S-A Chant initiator.2:46
Everything is late today. The first creepy old guy of the day just walked through our camp. While we are here, this is my list of things that should bar you from entering the infield:
– You have gray hair
– You are over 35
– You have a kid
– You are a college professor2:50
Mar starts talking to chicks. Ostrowe starts trying to undress a different set of chicks3:09
Anfron rises from the dead. Everyone is impressed3:24
Jim$ and Mar funnel three beers each. After words Mar steals the funnel, funnels some more, then passes the funnel onto a new group.3:39
Brock appears out of thin air and stumbles over ever cooler. He sees the Korean Rummy Belt and starts to use it as a weapon. Anfron tries to bully Brock, with poor results3:42
You can’t make this stuff up:
Redneck: Where are you from?
Redneck: Is that is Maryland?3:43
While standing on a cooler, Jim$ calls Rick over and like a Roman dictator, tells him what to write down: “I am going to buy a horse and name it Titties and it will win the Triple Crown in 2008. Then in 2009 when we come back we will drink Black Eyed Susans from cups that say “2008 Titties””3:45
Anfron is passed out in a chair so Brock elbows him in the head3:50
Mar: Jim$ has banged Oprah Winfrey and Marilyn Monroe3:51
Jim$: FlyFirstClass will win the Preakness.
That is the obvious choice for Jim$ since that is what he does all the time. Jim$ is so wealthy he occasionally flies from JFK to LaGuardia to beat the traffic.3:52
Jim$: Martin O’Malley (The former governor of Maryland) Sucks
Dmo: Martin O’Malley is gay3:56
Random guys run over to our camp: “Brock Singleton we’re calling you out!”4:05
Ostrowe and Rick venture over to the betting windows. There is a guy standing there trying to talk to any girls that will listen to him:
Random Guy: Hi. My name is Petey
[Chick walks away without acknowledging him]
Hey! We’re not the only ones!4:40
The first rain drops start to fall. All the worst parts of the bible are trying to break down the gates of hell so they can join the fracas in the infield.4:59
Mar and Jim$ start horsing around (no pun intended). Mar lands a brutal Ric Flair chop then runs away, not far enough away though. Jim$ throws his beer all over Mar and then they go at it. Mar drops Jim$ with a DDT which Jim$ simultaneously sells well and rolls out of without any harm done to his glass cups.5:00
Anfron once again sits on he poorly constructed cooler. Rick helps him out then puts the top back on. I shit you not after thirty seconds of walking around Anfron sits on the cooler again and fall through it again5:01
The following argument takes place, it’s one that only we can have:
Jim$: I can’t believe you did that. You are always such a gentleman.
Mar: You threw beer on me. I thought you were a gentleman.
Jim$: You are the biggest gentleman I know. I am shocked.
Mar: Bah you are much more gentlemanly than I am.
Jim$ You are the most gentlemanly
Dmo: You two are the most gentlemanly men I know. I can’t believe that just happened.
Jim$ & Mar: No Dmo, you are the biggest gentleman.5:02
Jim$ points out that he paid Virgil in singles and Rick paid him in hundreds5:03
Jim$ is flaunting his trophy rack5:05
The Fight of the Century breaks out. It makes the fight from 2005 look like De La Hoya/Mayweather and De La Hoya/Mayweather look like Falcetti/Fitzgerald. As the fight is breaking out I try to find out where Brock is. I turn around and he is having some fat guy try to break a can of beer over his head.5:07
Rick Proclaims he is officially retiring from Preakness5:25
The Civil War is finally over. Here is a brief recap: A circle about 100 feet in diameter opened up. People in all directions were throwing full beers cans across in the circle into crowds. Some people graduate to throwing coolers, still others throw chairs. Every now and then some guy will cross the battle lines to try to convince people to stop, then a fight breaks out. One guy runs across the circle swinging a chair like a baseball bat. Next thing we know Brock is in the middle of the circle, standing on a cooler egging on both sides. Now instead of a war consisting of either side of the circle, everyone is busy trying to hit Brock. He is in the middle for almost ten minutes and only gets hit with a can once. Finally the event staff escorts him out of the infield. As soon as Brock is gone we look over and Anfron has made his way into the center and he has five guys screaming at him wanting to rip his head off. Rick dashes into the line of fire and drags Anfron back into the group with the rest of us. Craziness.5:26
Jim$ tells Mar that some random girl stole his chair. Mar goes over to her and tries to get “his” chair back.5:30
Brock reappears. All he had to do was take his shirt off and walk back in.5:31
Mar is still fighting over “his” chair and now he gets Brock to help him get it back.5:34
Ostrowe disappears. He may be dead.5:37
The other blanket that Rick brought to the infield is currently being peed on. Fantastic.5:51
Yet another fight breaks out.
Jim$: This would have never happened if Bob Ehrlich was still governor
Mar: This never would have happened if Bob Costas was still governor.
Bob Costas loves Chinese food5:55
Anfron is once again pronounced dead.
6:00 Ahhhhh the reoccurring Mar, Jim$ Abby debate.6:05
Moro: If Terry was here none of this would ever happen6:12
Anfron once again defies logic and shows up again6:15
Mar calls some girl a hooker behind her back. She turns around because she does not like being called a hooker6:20
The race is about to go off and Rick has managed to keep everyone he is driving back to the hotel within arms length. But as the gate opens Mar says he has to go to the bathroom. He refuses to pee on the fence and he walks away.6:23
Tara wins $6.80. Mar misses the race.6:44
We make it to the car without incident. In even better news, my car is still in one piece.6:47
Anfron starts peeing right in the middle of the driveway we parked on. The owner of the house is standing in front of him:
Female House Owner: What are you doing? Don’t do that
Anfron: This is what you get you (Two Really Bad Words in a Row)
Rick: Anfron get in the goddamn car. What the hell is wrong with you!
Moro: Sorry, he is really drunk6:48
Quickly into the car and driving away…..fast.6:55
Mar and Anfron have a rabbit season/duck season argument using two words I can’t publish7:12
In a really scary moment the caravan has a run-in with a drunk driver. While traveling in the fast lane the BMW in front of Rick comes to a complete stop in the fast lane. Rick swerves into the shoulder and the BMW almost swerves into him. Rick sits in the shoulder for a minute trying to figure out what to do next. Eventually he pulls back out into the fast lane and the BMW starts pacing him in the shoulder. Rick then slows down to let the BMW get ahead, but the BMW slows down too. Rick speeds up then the BMW floors it, swerves in front of Rick. Rick spends the next 15 minutes in the slow lane.7:34
Waffle house. Rick and Ostrowe haven’t been since the Derby. I park and turn to Ostrowe. He only has one sunglass lens. The other one is MIA. Ostrowe realizes it too and says: “Hmmmm when did that happen.” Ostrowe claims he is in no shape for Waffle House and doesn’t get out of the car. Everyone else walks into Waffle House, but Anfron doubles back to the car.7:35
Anfron walks into Waffle House with a Bud Light7:36
Ahhhh fine Waffle House Cuisine
Waitress: What can I get you?
Anfron: I want a friggin steak
Waitress: And to drink?
Anfron: A friggin beer
Waitress: But you have one already
Rick: He’ll have a water7:38
The people at the table next to us leave and Anfron walks over to their dirty table. He takes a plate with a half eaten sandwich off the table and brings it back to our table. He scarfs it down all the while dipping the sandwich into the used ketchup on the plate. This is a new low for us. (R: I’m ashamed that I was at the table)7:40
Mar has left about nine messages with three different people7:42
Final totals for the day:
Mar- Down one shirt
Moro – Down one Omaha Steaks cooler
Ostrowe – Broken sunglasses and watch
Anfron – Broken sunglasses, gained a lot of shame though
Rick – Down two blankets and $100 (R: I didn’t place any bets and didn’t buy anything to try to convince myself that I “broke even.” It didn’t work)7:43
Anfron forgot that he ordered a steak and he is wearing his poncho inside out7:45
Rick: Remember the time Anfron stole food from another table and ate it?
Rick: Really? It just happened
Anfron: Wow, that’s gross7:52
Moro: “Who is on the back of that Yankee’s shirt? Galigan 26?8:10
The caravan returns to the hotel. Rick stays at the car to look for his hoodie, but he can’t find it. He assumes it was stolen. He walks back to the hotel room and finds Ostrowe, Mar, and Moro in bed.
Rick: Where the hell is Anfron?
Moro: He went to the bar8:13
Rick walks into the bar to find Anfron passed out with his head on the bar.
Rick: Anfron what the hell are you doing?
Anfron: Where am I?
Rick: You came to the bar
Rick: Like I would know. Come on lets go back to the room
Anfron: [Something not related to English]
[Repeat for 35 seconds]
Rick: If you want to go back to the room say “what”
Anfron finally goes back to the room and passes out next to Mar.8:21
Elsewhere….Sven makes Brock’s mother in law pull over on the highway so he can puke8:22
Rick goes outside to talk to Tara on the phone8:40
Moro calls Rick:
Moro: Where are you?
Rick: I’m hanging myself from a tree
Rick: It was a joke8:50
Moro scares the crap out of Rick when he comes to make sure he is not hanging from a tree.8:51
Elsewhere….Sven makes Brock’s mother in law pull over on the highway so he can puke…..Again.9:10
Scene III, Act I (A.K.A. Sunday)
8:00 Rick wakes up, showers, and goes to find some food.
8:26 Rick returns with food:
Moro: Is that a Terry Breakfast
[Rick hurls a bagel at Moro’s head]
8:30 Rick opens the door and leaves it open a crack because after getting some fresh air outside it is like death in the hotel room.
9:30 HBO has a tremendous double feature on this morning. Little Big League followed by Rookie of the Year.
Moro: (About Thomas Ian Nicholas) He was in American Pie?
Rick: Yea, he was the one who had sex with Tara Reid
Mar: Who hasn’t has sex with Tara Reid though
Ostrowe: (from the bathroom) Poppers
9:32 While watching Rookie of the Year Moro asks, “Is that Terry?”
9:35 New theorem: Anything that requires effort is gay to Mar. This from the kid who is moving to California this summer
9:36 You can’t start a story with “One time I was at Fitzy’s and Terry was there…” That is way to vague.
9:42 Housekeeping shows up and for a second we all panic and Moro tells them to comeback later
10:38 The caravan has to make a pit stop in Baltimore to pick up Melissa for the ride home.
Mar: Are we going to be gentlemen and let Melissa sit in the front?
Anfron: Probably not
10:44 Melissa once again is not wearing pants under her pants
11:20 Rick is starving and craving a smoothie. He examines every road sign he passes waiting for something the excite him. Then he sees it. At the Chesapeake House. A FRESHENS. THE GREATEST SMOOTHIES ON THE PLANET! Rick quickly parks the car and runs inside fearing the worse. Maybe the stand burnt down during the night, or maybe they will be out of smoothies. NOPE! The weekend finally takes an up-turn.
11:24 Rick, the smoothie-whore, cuts more people in line at Burger King and grabs some food to go along with his smoothie.
11:30 Moro: Boy I wish I had some Burger King fries to go with my Quiznos Sub
Rick: You’re a dick, all you had to do was ask
11:59 Rick: You ever see people throw their babies up in the air? WTF??
Mar: Maybe subconsciously they are like, “This f’king thing”
12:22 Mar: I remember when Terrell moved to Congers and I was like “Holy shit a black kid.”
12:43 Melissa: Rick your balls are melting in my hands.
2:01 Rick: Why is Masiello the Assistant Captain?
Moro: Because he is Masiello. He lives in a three-bedroom apartment in Nyack and thinks he is the shit.
2:14 Moro: Hey Rick, do you shower in the morning?
2:24 Mar regals us with examples of why Jim$ and Shibon don’t get along. One such story revolves around Jim$ using the C-word.
Melissa: He called her a C**T?
Mar: No, not really. He said she was being a C**T
Melissa: Oh, that’s not as bad
Anfron: What’s the difference?
Rick: It’s like Halloween. She was only temporarily acting like a C**T, she wasn’t physically a C**T in real life.
3:00 As Moro correctly predicted we arrive home. Good times.
3:08 Dmo gets call from Melissa on the drive down to Raleigh. when asked how many times Moro mentioned Terry on the ride back to Rockland she responds “A lot.”
That was a heck of a weekend. See you again next year….maybe.