Month: June 2007

The Booze Cruise

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

I originally was going to start this post with an overview of the Windfall and why we don’t go “bar hopping” in New York City more often, but I realized it was useless fluff. This post is the story of the 2007 Booze Cruise, and it can speak for itself.

3:50 – Ostrowe sneaks out of work ten minutes earlier than he told his boss he needed to leave for a “doctor’s appointment” so he can tape the “The Driver Has Herpes :)” sign to the back of his friend’s car
4:45 – Dmo arrives at Ostrowe’s house and the journey begins
4:53 – After calling Big E’s cell to invite him to join us on the booze cruise (he will not be, he has a cold and didn’t even make it into work), Ostrowe and Dmo call Jim$ at work:
Jim$ office: “Deutsche?”
Ostrowe: “Jim McGreevey for Jim$”
Jim$ office: (transfers call)
Jim$: “Deutsche?”
Ostrowe: (gay voice) “Hi, this is Jim McGreevey.”
Jim$: (hangs up)
5:00 – A call is put into Hutter to attempt to convince him to come
5:04 – Trustey is 80% sure he will be attending, despite the fact that his ladyfriend is firmly against making the trip
5:18 – Hutter is wearing down
5:35 – Arrive at the Circle Line and park, an hour before the boat begins boarding
5:40 – Dmo takes his pants . . . OFF in the parking lot
5:41 – Rick gets a call from Ostrowe. He tells Rick that him and Dmo have already arrived at the pier. He is surprised at how early they got there.
5:50 – Hutter has stopped answering his phone
5:59 – Trustey won’t be attending
6:00 – Rick’s scheduled time of departure finally arrives, but Mar calls him up to get directions on how to get to Pier 83. As soon as Rick gets the directions for Mar, some last minute work comes in, and Rick is delayed for a few more minutes.
6:10 – Rick finally leaves work and makes a bee-line to Ben & Jerry’s to grab a smoothie, turns out that they are out of all smoothie ingredients.
6:13 – As Rick gets outside, it starts to rain. He takes a step back towards the building to go get an umbrella, but he decides against it.
6:20 – While drinking a delicious Jamba Juice Smoothie, Rick tells the Running Diary the basics of the Booze Cruise. For $45 bucks you get to spend three hours drinking on a boat as it does a half circle around the island of Manhattan. Normally, the Circle Line cruise runs $30, so for an extra $15 you get to drink as much as you want and get scenic views. In other words, this is going to get messy. The only scenic view Mar is used to is Evelyn’s _______.
6:35 – An impatient Ostrowe calls Rick to find out where he is. Ostrowe is upset because he is wasting valuable drinking time.
Rick: Just find Chip and give him my ticket
Ostrowe: I don’t know who he is
Rick: I’m not good at describing people so I won’t try, just scream out Chip and maybe he will find you
Ostrowe: Is he going to respond to that?
Rick: It’s his name
6:38 – Despite the fact that they started letting people on the boat about a half hour ago, Mar and Rick still haven’t arrived so Ostrowe and Dmo are not on board. There are getting very ancy. That the guy in charge keeps walking around going “You’re missing valuable drinking time!” only compounds this fact, as Dmo and Ostrowe begin to wish all sorts of bodily harm on Mar and Rick.
6:40 – Rick finally arrives at the Pier, Dmo and Ostrowe run inside to start boozing.
6:50 – Rick gets a call from Mar saying that he is still six blocks away.
6:55 – Mar is in the process of sprinting to the boat so that he doesn’t miss the 7:00 departure time.
7:01 – Mar reaches the boat, however he is sweating profusely.
7:10 – Mar pops the cherry that is double fisting Budweisers.
7:11 – Dmo realizes that he left his camera in the car.
7:15 – This is the 19th Annual Booze Cruise. Dmo has been on five making him the clear veteran. Mar, Ostrowe, and Rick all lag behind with just two cruises under their belt.
7:16 – Mar, Dmo and Ostrowe all text Jim$ at the same time: “How’s Evelyn?”
7:17 – For the first time it is mentioned that Jim$ owns the boat.
7:18 – Chip’s room mate asks us who reads our blogs. We respond by just pointing to the four of us.
7:24 – Ostrowe joins the double fisting party
7:25 – The boat officially leaves the dock
7:28 – Mar waits on line to get more beer. He looks extremely upset that he is not holding a beer. Or he could just be mad that they wouldn’t let him bring J’sT’s on the boat. They said that they had enough life preservers on board.

7:29 – The over/under on the first time anyone talks to a chick is set at 9:00 since we are socially inept. In order to galvanize the definition of “conversation,” it is determined that the girl must respond back three time.
7:31 – Ostrowe does the Texes Two-Step with a chick. Also known as when you are in someones way and you both take two steps in the same direction and there is always a chuckle included. Ostrowe comes back claiming that he made that chick laugh on the first date.
7:35 – It is official, Dmo’s dad would not have been the oldest person on the boat had he come.
7:41 – “How’s Evelyn?” Round Two.
7:47 – Ostrowe gets a two count with a girl. He almost shattered the Over/Under.
7:50 – After Rick gets back from taking some nice scenic pictures of New York City from the water, Dmo says: “This is some nice scenery…..on the boat”
7:52 – Just an observation: There are a lot of douche bags on the boat. Pink Shirts galore.
7:56 – Let Me Clear My Throat comes on and ushers in the dance movement. Everyone busts out the awkward White Man Shuffle. Some old woman takes this moment to start grinding on the big black man in the ‘Security’ shirt.
7:58 – A Young Abe Lincoln is on the boat.
7:59 – “How’s Evelyn?” Round Three.
8:01 – Dmo screams out ‘Titties’ and Mar proceeds to walk over to me and scream ‘Titties’ in my ear so as to make sure that I didn’t miss it the first time.
8:04 – An hour has gone by and a worker is already dragging out three garbage bags filled with empties. Mar gets out attention then screams out: “Bah look at Virgil”
8:09 – Moro:Terry::Mar:______. The answer at 8:15.
8:11 – Mar goes on a rant: “Evelyn was with Dmo last night and these are the facts”
8:12 – Ostrowe joins the ranks of guys doing the White Man Shuffle
8:15 – The answer is Evelyn.
8:20 – The Dirty Fitzgerald is mentioned and Mar almost spits his beer out
8:22 – As Mar walks downstairs, Rick has the insatiable urge to douse Mar with water, so he does. Ostrowe had the same urge but he was able to restrain himself. (And he is the one who is drinking)
8:25 – Dmo is amazed at how nice the weather is for the booze cruise after the brief shower before
8:27 – Ostrowe talks to a chick, but since I am just going on his word, does it count?
8:30 – Out of nowhere a storm cloud forms over the boat and it starts to rain sideways. Everyone on the boat is drenched. It looks like a ride at Universal.
8:40 – A chick walks by and and says she is freezing, so Ostrowe proceeds to wrap himself around her. What a gentleman.
8:45 – “How’s Evelyn?” Round Four
8:49 – Ostrowe is shuffling around searching for a shuffle partner
8:50 – As Ostrowe disappears around the corner, he literally reappears a few seconds later holding three beers.
8:54 – Ostrowe first sees Gray Shirt. He makes a vow to talk to her before the night is over.
8:57 – Dmo and Mar have an awkward conversation about Evelyn rubbing whipped cream on her boobs. Just to clarify here, Evelyn is a 50 year old, fat, bar tramp.
8:59 – “Ostrowe is peeing on Evelyn!” -Dmo
9:00 – Mar has a legitimate conversation with a chick who is about to puke over the side of the boat. He tells her that he is a gentleman like Jim Nantz and she walks away.
9:02 – As I was writing the previous entry Dmo walked over and grabbed my hand and tried to make me grab some girl standing near us.
9:05 – Mar is on fire as he starts talking to another chick. After a brief conversation with her she walks away and brings her friend to meet Mar. Being sober, Rick completely sees the “this is my girlfriend that I am trying to set you up with right now” sub context, but Mar drops the ball and turns away from them.
9:09 – Ostrowe deems himself drunk enough to talk to Gray Shirt. However, she is no longer in the area. Rick and Ostrowe fan out to try to find her and when they do Ostrowe stalks her from a distance waiting for the right moment. Rick stalks Ostrowe from a distance to chronicle the events.
9:12 – Ostrowe moves in close using the White Man Shuffle as a form of camouflage. When he gets close he turns around and sees Rick writing furiously and walks away. He comes back claiming that he needs someone to distract her fat friend, they both know that Rick will offer no help in that department. (It’s not that Rick, won’t; it’s more that he can’t due to his lack of social skills)
9:14 – Ostrowe takes up his staking pose. It’s kind of like a Sumo Wrestler stance, but with a beer in each hand.
9:15 – Ostrowe walks over again, but is intimidated again.
9:16 – This time before he walks over, Ostrowe formulates a plan of action. He works up the nerve and actually gets in a word edgewise before she plays the boyfriend card. Like a gentleman, Ostrowe accepts his fate and walks away with his head held high.
9:20 – In order to try to get the party jump started, Mar dances up on Ostrowe. No Homo.
9:22 – Fed up, and trying to make up for the previous act of homosexuality, Ostrowe grabs the boob of some random girl on the dance floor even though she is dancing with another guy.
9:25 – While talking to Faux-Famke Jansen, Ostrowe gets the boyfriend card again and doles out the first Ric Flair chop of the night to Dmo.
9:27 – A drunk Dmo has started to flail his arms around while talking and he punches one of the workers in the face.
9:40 – Dmo and Mar start fighting
9:44 – Ostrowe gets a kiss from the bartender that has her face pierced
9:50 – Ostrowe and Dmo simultaneously lean into say something to each other and almost kiss. No homo.
9:59 – The boat is back ashore and while we are getting off, Dmo and Ostrowe see a girl they went to high school with after some small talk Mar finally appears:
Girl: I live in Hoboken
Ostrowe: This kid lives in Hoboken too
Girl: Oh, where do you live?
Mar: Bah I’m retarded
(Girl fails to realize that this is probably a good time to walk away from us and continues talking to Ostrowe.)
Mar: Bah Hoboken sucks
Girl: Yea, I’ve live there too long, How long have you lived there?
Mar: 8 years.
10:05 – While walking to the car, Mar lifts up his shirt and produces a Budweiser from his persons.
Ride Home – It was a shit show. Mar got the case of the hiccups and it turned into another duck season/rabbit season argument like the one from the Preakness between Mar and Dmo; except this time it was only (the word). After ten minutes they would tire themselves out and Rick or Ostrowe would jump start them by calling them mooncrickets. The highlight was Dmo calling Mr. Stanton and handing the phone to Mar. Mar then said: “Hi Mr. Stanton, Doug Mohr said you are a (the word).
Ostrowe transcribed part of the conversation on the ride home, so without further ado. For the record we’ll say the first line is Mar, then he and Dmo alternate for the rest of the ride. (Caution: If you are easily offended, you may want to skip this part)
“Bah I hope you die”
“Bah I hope Steve Elkington rams a putter up your ass”
“Bah I hope so too”
“Bah Rick’s a gentleman”
“Dmo’s a (word)”
“I’m a gentleman”
“You’re a Gerry Oswald”
“You owe me a (word)”
“You owe me Daryl”
“Daryl picks your cotton”
“You do Daryl in the ass”
“That’s uncalled for”
“Daryl’s a gentleman”
“Tell him if he comes on vacation with us I will stab him in the testicles”
“How bout you do my lawn”
“How bout you’re a fucking jigaboo”
“How bout you’re a fucking (word)”
“You’re a (word)”
“You’re a (word)”
“You’re a fucking (word)”
“You’re a jigaboo”
“You blew Chris Moro for a pretzel”
“Bah I’m a gentleman”
“Bah you are a gentleman but you’re also a (word)”
“Bah you’re a (word)”
“Bah you’re still a jigaboo”
“Bah how bout I kick your ass”
“How bout you go back to your (word) ways”
“Jim$ is a (word) and he’s gonna own all other (word)s”
10:50 – Dmo calls Wally and demands he give us dollar drafts at Bruxelles
10:55 – Ostrowe makes Rick stop at HSBC so he can take out money to buy several dollar drafts
11:15 – We arrive at the Palisades Mall parking lot and everyone gets out to take a leak. When he gets back to the car, Mar says that he left his phone is Rick’s car even though we were in Dmo’s car the entire time.
11:17 – Dmo gets behind the wheel despite the fact that rick proclaimed Ostrowe was probably in the best shape to drive even though he drank the most (barely edging out Mar)
11:21 – Dmo proves Rick right by vacillating several times between Nyack and Fitzy’s on the drive, also hopping up on the sidewalk along the way
11:26 – Ostrowe gets out of the car at Fitzy’s before it comes to a complete stop to say hi to Jay Kohlman and Mike McGillick at the door
11:31 – I buy a round for myself Dmo and Mar
11:33 – Dmo takes some guy’s money off the bar. Kevin, who is bartending while not playing cards with Evelyn and James Fitz, has to admonish Dmo
11:37 – Ostrowe tells James’s sister that Mar came back to Rockland with us so he could see Evelyn
11:40 – Dmo and Mar get in the car to go home, ditching me in the bar. Kevin remarks, “why didn’t you drive, you don’t even seem drunk”
11:42 – Ostrowe starts calling people in his cell phone to come pick me up
(Curious as to what happened to Ostrowe? Click Here) Coming Soon
7:30 AM – “Oh, I thought you might have been home – it smelled like beer in the hallway outside your room” -Mar’s Mom
Final Tally:
Dmo: 11 Beers
Mar: 13 Beers
Ostrowe: 11 Beers + 3 Rum and Coke’s

The Crazy Game of Korean Rummy

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

As the commissioner of the Korean Rummy Association of Gentlemen, there are certain standards that I must uphold. Although I may not be as well known as some of my peers, I have many of the same responsibilities. I am the first to dole out praise, but I must also be heavy handed and discipline those who put the integrity of our fair sport at risk. I am at the fore-front when our fair game is receiving positive publicity and I am in the thick of the battle when one of our finely-tuned athletic machines are caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

Korean Rummy is a fine game. Our athletes don’t play for the money, they play for a slightly melted, plastic belt. Out TV ratings never disappoint because we are never on TV. But if you all scoot up real close, I will give you a look into a world where the more Korean you are, the better your chances of winning:

History: Korean Rummy is one of the lost wonders of the ancient world. No joke. Try to look it up on the Internet, I dare you. You will not be able to find the iteration of rummy that we play. Scholars maintain the origins date back to a time when the Mongolian Army was marching through the Korean peninsula. To pass time, the Mongolians would play the locals in cutthroat games of rummy. The Mongolians routinely would bully around the locals and take their daily earnings. However, they didn’t not anticipate just how shisty those little Korean folk could be. All of a sudden the Koreans began making up rules on the fly and raking pots before the Mongolians even figured out what had just happened. After a few days of this the Mongolians had enough and Ghengis Kahn issued the first of a series of famous genocides which all but wiped out every person in that fine country who knew how to play the game, all but one. Known only as Foxwoods, and considered by many to be the finest rule creator in all of the land, Foxwoods remained in hiding with his wife for many years. While in exile his wife gave birth to a son. In the caves of the Korean Alps, Foxwoods bestowed upon his son all of his Korean Rummy knowledge. It was soon after that that Foxwoods knew that he and his family would never be safe in his homeland, so he and his family set sail for America. That was the last anyone ever heard of the family. In the years that followed the game of Korean Rummy laid dormant under the very fabric of American life. Until one day, a golf professional named Jimmy Han introduced it to some of his co-workers. The game spread like wildfire (within the ranks of the employees) until it reached its current state.

Brief overview: Much like regular rummy you are dealt seven cards. As you go through the deck in order you are looking to get: three-of -a-kind, four-of-a-kind, or runs of more than three cards in a row in the same suit. When you get any of the previous sets of cards, you lay them down in front of you because if you don’t have anything down in front of you at the end, you pay double. If you have cards on the table in front of you, you can add onto other piles on the table. First one to get rid of all their cards, or have a card total value less than the designated amount on their turn wins. Oh yea, the one major difference: Sevens are magic. They can be placed on the table by themselves.

Crazy ways to win: I’m not going to try to explain them.
One Shot.
Possessing seven cards in your hand that add up to 21 or less.
Having six pictures cards and a ten in your hand.
Thank you 21.
Thank you pictures.
Thank you Korea.

You pay double if:
Someone wins by any of the above crazy ways
You don’t have a drop
You have a seven in your hand (two sevens = x4)
You make someone whole

Current Champion: Mr. Stanton.
When we were still rookies amongst the ranks, Mr. Stanton would routinely let us play him in high stakes games and walk away up $200. Mr. Stanton is also by far the oldest Korean Rummy Champion.

Signature Move: A Stanton. After winning a hand, you become the dealer. If after you deal and turn over the top card on the pile and you reveal a seven, congratulations you just pulled a Stanton.

Most Gentlemanly Champion: [tie]
Dmo
Ostrowe
Mar
The Boss
Mr. Stanton
Sars
Rick

Places you can find Korean Rummy:
Bailey’s
Fitzy’s
Legends
Lexington
The South Course
Preakness
Note: Korean Rummy used to be found at Walsh’s but was banned one day. Shortly after the game was banished, Walsh’s shut down and became crappier wannabe Bruxelle’s without a pool table or dart board. I’m not bitter.

Korean Rummy Hall of Fame:
Jimmy Han: For obvious reasons. He is the catalyst and the founder of the American game. In addition, all the crazy rules listed above were introduced in situations when they helped Jimmy win.
Al: A driving force in superstitions and kooky ways to play the game. His most famous quote is: “Very Important Card!” If you go the South Course on a Saturday morning, you will most definitely be able to find him there. Just mention Korean Rummy and he may let you out for free.

Title Track (6.8.07)

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

It’s been a long time. This blog is about to break out like small pox.

I have a new goal in life. When asked how things are going, I never want to respond: “They are good, a little boring, but that’s the way it goes.” There is no reason to be bored with life. Granted I may not do exciting things all the time, but at no point am I ever bored with life in general.

Tons of excitement from Hollywood today. Paris Hilton was sent back to prison. I heard the rumblings on the interweb about something going down and I turned on the TV. When I tuned into MSNBC, this headline was on the bottom on the screen: “TMZ.com reports……” Ok, hold on a sec. In the world of journalism, TMZ is two steps above Wikipedia, and one step above the National Inquirer. How does MSNBC even consider using it as a source? What’s more is MSNBC had the editor of TMZ on the phone live. This is like ESPN citing Deadspin as a source. But on the other hand, this could be the first sign of the Main Stream Media merging with the blog-universe.

Speaking of blogs and the interweb. I work for a television company. However, I only watch about 4 hours of TV a week. Unless there is a uber-event (Super Bowl, Notre Dame-USC, Syracuse Basketball) on TV. Thanks to the interweb though, I am able to keep abreast of everything that is going on in the world. And my preferred means of keeping informed; blogs. The best part about blogs is that they are less to read than a whole article, and meatier than just reading headlines. And thanks the proliferation of video players, I can see clips of all the notable stuff in pretty much anything on TV. I love the 21st Century.

Everyday it’s exciting to wake up, jump on the information superhighway and see what kind of trouble Michael Vick has gotten into overnight. Dog fighting is pretty despicable, but the most intriguing thing will be to see how Roger Goodall handles the situation. When Roger became the new Commish, he ushered in a new era of discipline. All NFL players are now held accountable for their actions. But up until this point all the players that have been punished have been marginal players at best. Lets see what happens shall we.

When Michelle Wie first exploded onto the scene, I welcomed it with open arms. It was a good novelty twist; especially if she could live up to all the hype. But now she is just annoying. Last week she dropped out of a tournament so wouldn’t shoot an 88 (which would ban her from the LPGA for the year). Rumor has it, that the tour was the one who informed her of the fact. She blamed a wrist injury. Now she just sucks at golf and is walking around with an aura of indifference. She should take a break and come back when she is ready. And leave her parents at home, because they seem to want it more than she does.

Terry, a.k.a. The Captain of the Social Scene in Rockland County is starting to accept his role in the nightlife.
Sunra: [Saying something while Terry is mid-sentence]
Terry: What are you doing interrupting me? I am the Captain. What the hell are you the Captain of?

In our lifetimes, the world of sports have seen many revolutionary changes. In recent years, the record books associated with many sports have been constantly altered. And you know why? Muscles. In golf, Tiger Woods got buff, shot ridiculously low numbers, set records, then the courses needed to change and his competition also had to start hitting the gym. Tennis same thing. Muscles give Rafael Nadal a slight advantage over everyone. Baseball, Football, Swimming, you name it. Young athletes are hitting the gym to gain as much of advantage as they can; and I’m sure the old guard is pretty pissed off. I’m sure when Freddy Couples was coming up, he golfed in during the day, then went out boozing. He didn’t need to be in shape to play golf.

Last night Ostrowe went into O’Malley’s while we went to visit The Boss next door at Casa Del Sol. He showed up 5 minutes later with a slice of pizza. He didn’t know where he got it. Then he went into the bar, bought a beer and sat down at the table. He found a beer on the table and started chugging that until the owner of the beer asked him for it back.

Belmont this year was interesting. For once I had seats which allowed us to move around freely without the risk of losing our spot. But sitting in the clubhouse with all the rich people was odd. One day I hope to get rich so I can be the anti-rich rich person. I’m going to wear shorts and a t-shirt to places where other rich people would dress up. The highlight was this guy in the bathroom looking at himself in the mirror:
Guy: “Everyday I get better and better looking.”

Belmont Note 2: Rags to Riches won a very exciting Belmont making her the first filly (girl) to win since 1905.

Watching the French (Toast) Open this morning we were treated to two ridiculous stats. Roger Federer is 277-19 (94%) in the last four years. And in the ATP world tennis rankings Federer is in first (7515 pts), Nadal is in second (5225 pts), Andy Roddick is in third (2930 pts). That is domination. Federer and Nadal are really in a class above every other tennis player in the world.

Like my uncle Les used to say “When the money is gone, it’s time to move on”. So enjoy it, you secret handshaking a-holes.