Tale of the Tape

Last night was the pay-per-view telecast of UFC 74. Ever since the De La HoyaMayweather fight earlier this year, the sporting world has been enveloped in a debate about whether or not boxing was on it’s way out and Mixed Martial Arts, more specifically, UFC was the next big thing. There is only one thing to do in a case like this. Lets go to the Tape!

~Tale of the Tape~

Price:
Boxing: De La HoyaMayweather = $54.95
UFC: #74 = $39.99

Edge: UFC. In a fairly straightforward battle UFC has the advantage here.

Round Length:
Boxing: 3 Minutes
UFC: 5 Minutes

Edge: Boxing. This generation in America has a very short attention span. So I am going to give the shorter rounds the advantage.
Ring:
Boxing: The squared circle. Mythical. Historic. Old School.
UFC: The Octagon. Exotic. Plus it is surrounded by a chain link fence.

Edge: UFC. The Octagon is pretty bad ass.

Bloodsport:
Boxing: Occasionally someone will get their face bloodied. However, the refs never seem to let it get that far.
UFC: If you don’t see someone bloodied, you didn’t get your moneys worth. Knockouts a plenty! Double Knockouts.
Plus this clip is just downright exciting.

Edge: UFC. If you are a fight fan, deep down you want to see someone get fucked up.

Boring Stuff:
Boxing: When the punches aren’t flying, the two boxers are just bouncing around the ring looking at each other. And that’s kinda gay.
UFC: When the punches aren’t flying the two fighters are usually holding each other on the ground or holding each other against the cage. And that’s kinda gay.

Edge: There are no winners here.

Background:
Boxing: It’s origins date back to bare-knuckle fighting in the 1800’s. Along with horse racing, boxing was the biggest sport of the early 20th Century. Past generations go from Dempsey to Marciano to Ali etc…
UFC: It’s origins date back to bar fights mixed with high school wrestling. Famous names of the past include Ken Shamrock and Royce Gracie.

Edge: Boxing in a landslide. History has big role in sports. Just look at the most popular teams and rivalries.

Current Names:
Boxing: Oscar De La Hoya, Bernard Hopkins, Floyd Mayweather
UFC: Randy Couture, Iceman Lidell, Rampage Jackson, Mirko Cro Cop, Gabriel Gonzaga

Edge: Even. This is a tough category. Mainstream wise boxing has the edge. But the three biggest names in boxing are all on their way out.

Heavyweight Division:
Boxing: Current Champion – That Russian Guy. What’s his name. Then there’s that other guy. Aw hell, I have no clue. But I know there are four of them. (For those of you saying why didn’t you just look them up, you obviously missed the point. WBA: Rusian Chagaev. IBF: Wladimir Klitschko. WBC: Oleg Maskaev. WBO: Sultan Ibragimov)
UFC: Randy Couture

Edge: UFC in a landslide. Any sort of organized fighting lives and dies by the Heavyweight Division. UFC gains points for only having one champion and having that champion being one of biggest names in the sport. The Heavyweight Division in boxing hasn’t mattered in about four years. That shouldn’t happen.

Announcers:

Boxing: Jim Lampley, Larry Merchant, Emanuel Steward, Harold Lederman, Max Kellerman
UFC: Mike Goldberg, Joe Rogan

Edge: Boxing. Kellerman may be a bit smug at times. But the amount of unintentional comedy that comes out of HBO Boxing events is fantastic. And these guys do know what they are talking about sometimes. I just can’t take Joe Rogan seriously.

Reality Television:
Boxing: The Contender
UFC: The Ultimate Fighter

Edge: UFC. Ok I admit. I am basing the next few statement on absolutely nothing at all. Yes The Contender was on network television, and I admit I loved the first season. But it featured Sylvester Stalone and Sugar Ray. The Ultimate Fighter is on Spike TV, has a cult following, the sixth season is about to start (with the seventh already planned for the spring), the first season saw Couture and Lidell as the coaches.

Famous Referee:
Boxing: Mills Lane. Famous for being the ref for the “Bite Match”
UFC: Big John McCarthy (“The Ninth Wall of the Octagon”). Famous for his delivery of the trademark phrase “Let’s Get It On.”

Edge: UFC. Big John Stud is cool. And being a member of the LAPD is way cooler and demands a lot more respect than being a judge on TV.

What Does the Future Hold:
Boxing: Unless they can get some big fights and develop some outstanding American born talent, the Future is looking bleak.
UFC: After UFC 74, SportsCenter showed video highlights of the match. They never did that for boxing.

Edge: UFC.

In this twelve round battle, even Harold Lederman would score the fight, 115-111 in favor the UFC.

The world of Boxing in rich in history, but that is exactly what they will become unless they step it up soon. I see two quick solutions.
1) Unify all the belts so that there is only one champion in each weight class (This is a long shot)
2) Pit the best boxers against the bets UFC fighters to see who comes out on top. It could be like when the Jetsons met the Flintstones or the GoBots met the Rocklords. Mayweather said that the thought about it, maybe he should do it for the sake of his sport. (This is also a long shot)

Lets just hope that one day we don’t need to show our kids archival footage to our kids to explain to them why the television is making a big deal about Mohammad Ali dying.

Title Track (8.24.07)

Lets start this Title Track with the prestigious:
QUICK OUTS HALL OF FAME.

If you are a religious Quick Outs reader, you will see that I update it daily. It is an easy way of spreading interesting things that I find along to you without having to do any work other than clicking on a button. It’s even easier than churning out a new Title Track. So without further ado, I present to you, the inaugural members of the Quick Outs Hall of Fame.
~The Defender of Fresh Biscuits~
This may be one of the funniest commercials of all-time. I don’t even need to say anymore:

~You’re the best! Around!~
I still don’t know if these are real or fake. If I was forced to choose, I’d say fake. Regardless, Marques Colston is now cooler because of this video

~Minesweeper!~
This preview still makes me laugh.
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1770138

When Hank Aaron hit his 715th Home Run. NBC Sports had picked up the game. That night, with the game on network television, 14.7 million households tuned in. This season, when Barry Bonds hit his 756 ESPN and FSN Bay Area combined to attract slightly over 1 million households. Now is this proof that people don’t like Barry Bonds or that people don’t watch TV anymore or that the amount of programming on TV has severely diluted the audience? I don’t know. But just as a comparison, 13 million households tuned in to see Mark McGwire hit his 62nd home run in 1998.

What is the most watched show in the history of cable television? The premiere of High School Musical 2. That’s right. With 17.2 million viewers it beat last year’s Cowboys-Giants Monday Night Football game.

So the NFL suspended Michael Vick indefinitely. Good, glad that’s over with. Now I am sure we will never hear about this story for the entire football season. I can sleep easier now.

I laughed out loud an inapproiate moments after reading the following things:

Q: What do you consider to be a fair trade the Red Sox can make for Wily Mo Pena? My roommate and I were discussing it, and we decided that a cheeseburger would be fair. But not just any cheeseburger… we’re talking a one-pound cheddar and bacon burger from Fuddruckers. We figure once we add on the tomatoes, pickles, relish, mustard, ketchup, jalapeños, nacho cheese and onions, we’d come out on top. Your thoughts?
–James, Brighton
SG: Um, you’d come out on top if you traded Wily Mo for a single-patty McDonald’s cheeseburger with nothing on it. But I like the thought of Theo Epstein announcing the deal, then holding a news conference in which he eats the Fuddrucker’s burger in front of the reporters and cameraman and just repeatedly says, “Mmmmmmm … . Mmmmmmm … mmmmm, this is delicious, it almost makes up for the fact that we effectively gave away Bronson Arroyo … mmmmmm … yummmy … “

A Nike billboard will be unveiled in midtown Manhattan next Tuesday featuring Serena Williams from the waist up accompanied by the text, “Are you looking at my titles?”

“Then finally the highlight of my day, Michael and i shooting a commercial for the game College Hoops 2K8. It was my first commercial so i had a good time with it. Its a pretty funny commercial so when it comes out i hope people will like it and go out and buy the game that im on the cover of. When it comes out it shouldn’t be to hard to find. It has this handsome African American fellow who played at The Ohio State University and he looks like he is 40.” -Greg Oden

University of Michigan Football player Marques Slocum responded to one of those
generic Facebook self-quizzes and it wound up all over these internets. Most people are proclaiming him as a god incarnate. And while I did find it hilarious, he also may be slightly retarded. It will be interesting to see if any repercussions come from this.

Mail Chain highlight: This week was mostly spent quoting Super Bad when not talking about Evelyn, so the quote of the week is:
I just want a girlfriend for 2 months, so when I get to college, I’m like the Iron Chef of pounding vag.
Which of course led to:
You already are the Iron Chef of pounding Evelyn
Daryl’s the Iron Chef of mowing lawns
Terry’s the Iron Chef of making barpies
Jim$ is the Iron Chef of ties
Gerry Oswald is the Iron Chef of stealing $60
That Young MC from the Preakness is the Iron Chef of stealing $100 bills
Anfron is the Iron Chef of having Steve Elkington’s putter in his ass

Since this is already a clusterfuck of a post lets add some Unspoken Rules:
1. Don’t wear the face of your watch on the bottom of your wrist. That’s gay.
2. When waiting in a long line for a cash register. Take your money out you dolt. Don’t wait until the cashier tells you how much it costs. Be considerate for chrissake.

The New Zealand Rugby team is known as the All Blacks. The New Zealand basketball team? You guessed it, the Tall B

Wikipedia entries this week:
Pretzel – There are cold, warm, soft, chewy and hard pretzels. Soft pretzels are best eaten fresh-baked. These are common in Germany. Cities in the United States like Philadelphia, Chicago, and New York are also famous for their soft pretzels. Fitzpatrick’s in Congers, has the most famous soft pretzels made by Terry Galligan.
Evelyn – Evelyn de Fitzy’s, constantly has Mar’s face in her snatch
Chubb – $6.99/lb

The Dreambaby = Jonathan Brady

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Title Track (7.31.07)

Coming in under the wire to get at least one post done this month. I’ve been slacking hardcore.

O – Look at that, its a full moon tonight
A – Bah the moon is a gentleman

Tahoe was a success. Well a success in that I didn’t need to go to the emergency room. Sometime ask me about the stories that I am not going to put in writing. There is one good one in particular. It all culminated in me staying up all night to catch the limo at 3:30 and then sitting in the airport “with” Lou Holtz, Vinny Testaverde and Emmitt Smith.

In some sad news, the Honda Accord is no more. A curse on all fat dumpy chicks who look like 14 year olds who can’t drive.

O – Which day is actually Terry’s birthday?
A – its both…its terry…his birth lasted two days

A lot has happened in the sports world since last I wrote. July is usually the slowest month of the year but this July will be known as a particularly scandalous one: First you have the ongoing Barry Bonds escapade. Did he knowingly take steroids etc…

Not to be out done Tim Donaghy surfaced in the NBA as a ref who was betting on NBA games, including ones that he was working. Most people agree that if there is one thing that can take down a league it is gambling, however, many sports have survived through gambling scandals: College Basketball (CCNY; Stevin Smith; Northwestern), MLB (Pete Rose), NBA (Jack Molinas). In all these occasions the governing bodies labeled it as one bad egg, and they moved on. And following the “There is no such thing as bad press” maxim, I bet the leagues didn’t mind too much after the initial backlash. Even as I write this the Donaghy scandal is over a week old, has lost momentum and the NBA has taken the opportunity to pull off one of the biggest trades in its history. I firmly believe David Stern urged and oversaw the deliberations.

The Trump Card was then played by Michael Vick who was indicted on charges of participating/funding/running a dog fighting operation. Now I think that dog fighting is the lowest of the low, but it has been around for a while, and no one ever made a big deal of stopping it until it became associated with a high profile celebrity. I’m just saying….

Post Script: Mike Vick is now the owner of two fantastic nicknames that I’m sure he wants no part of. Ron Mexico and Ookie.

Last but not least, the Tour de Farce (you see what I did there? You like that?) If there is even a Tour de France three years from now I will be surprised. People were getting picked off for steroid issues faster than Mar can excite Evelyn by holding up a Barpie in the bed room. Even the bearer of the Yellow Jersey was suspended mid tour for shady reasons after being surrounded by steroid rumors. What a joke. It got so the media was suggesting that the Tour allow the use of PEDs so that everyone would be equal.

O – Elk 2007 is just footage of Daryl mowing Gerry Oswald’s lawn with Steve Elkington’s putter up his ass

I love the simplicity of Rhode Island. The following are all names of places. Wake up and you can head over to “Breakfast in a Barn,” which is just that. Then you can spend a summer day looking at the “Tall Ships” in Newport. Then head over to Warren to have lunch at “Restaurant and Cafe.” Then you can have dessert at “The Ice Cream Place.”

Speaking of Rhode Island, Saturday Tara and I celebrated our One-Year Anniversary by going to Block Island. Unlike Rhode Island, Block Island is an actually Island in the Atlantic. (It’s a very old-fashioned place, untouched by corporate America) So we get aboard the ferry and as I am walking up the stairs to the upper deck, I hit my head on the door frame and my sunglasses flew off of my head and I proceeded to punch them into the ocean. Mind you I got these sunglasses for free in Tahoe last year so you can imagine my surprise when we went to the “Sunglasses Store” and I saw my sunglasses on sale for $180. I wish I had money like Mar or Jim$.

ESPN just concluded their Arena Football season and this weekend they also began their NASCAR season. Both of these properties just left NBC last season, so a lot of ratings talk is on the way. A 1.0 rating represents 1% of all households with that service. Since there are people who don’t have cable, a 1.0 rating for a network station represents more people than a 1.0 for a cable station. But you never hear about this. When converted to the network universe the AFL went from .8 ratings to .3 ratings, NASCAR also saw a big drop this weekend, but since the cable rating is higher, that’s the one you will probably see more often. From a ratings stand point it seems like a bad choice for leagues to take their product off of the network platform, but the one advantage ESPN does have is a gratuitous amount of promotional space. Ever since acquiring these properties, the two of them have become an intricate part of almost every ESPN show. Is it worth it? I’m not sure.

The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well.