Dear Gerry,

This is a first for Covering the Spread, but hopefully won’t be a last. Today’s post is written by Mar. As a quick background Gerry Oswald gave us golf lessons when we were kids and when we got older he asked us to help him run the junior golf camps. I’ll let Mar take it from here. Those easily offended by choice language, cover your ears.

Dear Gerry Oswald,

I hope you still remember me because I sure as hell remember you. You made me watch ELK 95 more times than I can count and I will never be able to recover those brain cells that fell victim to the noxious fumes of your markers on that Zenith television. You taught me about golf – well, at least you pretended to. It seems as if every time my swing progressed, you would fuck it up just so I would have to come back next week for you to fix it. You’re a real prick. You took advantage of the ill-informed parents who just wanted their kids to become better golfers. You are the definition of Capitalism. There should be a picture of you banging Koons (Chevrolet) in the ass in front of every McDonald’s in America. Not only did you rob our parents out of money they thought was helping to develop their kids’ golf games but you personally robbed me you fucking faggot. I want my sixty fucking dollars! I didn’t play camp counselor to 10 year olds for 4 hours for free you son of a bitch. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget about interest. While you were blowing your protégé, Jay Kohlman, and sucking down margaritas by yourself at Chili’s for the past seven years, my sixty dollars has been multiplying. That’s right. At 5% interest you now owe me $84.43, mother fucker. I’ll take that in cash, YESTERDAY, or I will shit and piss all over your practice facility at the 303 driving range. Your move, Oswald.

Go Fuck Yourself :),

Marty Piccinich


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