Put Em on Their Backs 9.29.07

9:16 – Rick arrives at Dmo’s house ready to hop in the car and head down to New Brunswick for the Rutgers v. Maryland football game. The game kicks at 3:30 but today Nubbinsville will be traveling from its normal home in Lot 9c to the Rutgers campus so there will be ample tailgating before the game. Dmo informs him that Ostrowe called at 9:00 asking if we would be leaving anytime soon. He went to bed at 5:30.

9:20 – Ostrowe pulls up and gets out of his car holding the Mullet Wig. That is always a good sign. He tells us that he may or may not be in the doghouse.

9:23 – Dmo, Ostrowe, Rick, Mr. and Mrs. Mohr depart from West Nyack.

9:24 – Mr. Mohr is the godfather of gentlemen. Which would explain why Dmo is such a gentlemen.

9:25 – Rick is the godfather of independent contractors

9:36 – Dmo went to lunch with Moro on Friday and as usual, Moro was in rare form: “If Terry married my sister we’d have to have two turkeys at Thanksgiving and double the mashed potatoes!”

9:40 – Ostrowe has a terse conversation on the phone. Everyone assumes it’s BR, but it turns out to be his mom

9:41 – We are still driving on the Garden State Parkway when this conversation takes place:
Rick: SARS’ team is good
Ostrowe: And Handsome.
Dmo’s Mom: Does it have Tom Brady?

9:43 – Rick hesitates at the end of his sentence which gives us an opportunity to reference Ostrowe’s fabled unfinished sentence from the 2005 Preakness. We obviously haven’t finished beating that joke into…….

10:02 – Did you know that Rutgers was the site of the first college football game?

10:20 – We get off the Turnpike and are driving on Route 18 in Jersey. This city/town we are going through is very weird, but it does look very new. Ostrowe points out that it is New Brunswick. I prefer Ye Olde Brunswick.

10:30 – The directions we got off of the Rutgers website aren’t the clearest thing we have ever read. We are trying to find lot 51 because that is where all the Maryland fans will be meeting. Dmo is turned around so we ask the parking lot attendant where Lot 51 is. No one has any clue. We ask one guy standing next to a giant sign that says Lot 66 and he responds with, “This is lot 66.”

10:38 – We finally arrive at Lot 51. Nubbinsville – New Brunswick.

10:40 – First appearance of the Big E and the mullet wig.

10:41 – Melissa is the godmother of blowing up spots.
Peg – Rick, we just found out that your name isn’t really Rick
Rick – What? Why does it matter.
Peg – Melissa told us.
Rick – That’s expected.
Ostrowe – Why are you surprised? Your name isn’t Peg.

10:51 – Jim$ phone rings and he walks 200 yards away to answer it. It can only be one person on the other end. The Chairman of Deutche Bank asking how to solve a problem. In other Jim$ news he neglected to bring his W2 to the tailgate because his assistant in charge of carrying the 230 page document is on vacation.

11:00 – Dmo’s mom is cold so Jim$ pulls a windbreaker out of his trunk. When she doesn’t want to wear the Bush/Cheney Logo, he proceeds to pull out a Maryland windbreaker. Apparently Jim$ silently diversified his portfolio of clothing. Jim$: No Longer Just Ties.

11:15 – Pupino is the godfather. He started Bah, Marty Piccinich, Ed O’Neill, Jurgen, Poppers and probably even more things that I am leaving out.

11:20 – Crazy Game of Tailgating. That didn’t take long for this song to be heard.

11:25 – In a disappointing occurrence Ostrowe neglected to bring one of his famous cheese platters. He claims that the cheese store closes at 5:00 and he didn’t get there in time. That’s funny because the pants store next door is open till 7:00.

11:26 – Jim$ just walked away muttering something that sounded like sound financial advice.

11:37 – Poppers: Where is Allison?
Bahby: She didn’t have a ticket.
Poppers: I have two extra tickets

11:38 – Dmo informs Peg that Tara said he was a gentleman. Since she in not capable of lying it must be true.

11:41 – The over/under on number of times it is mentioned that Rutgers was the site of the first college football game: 32

11:42 – Poppers rented a Hybrid Ford Escape to get to the game today. Jim$ being the businessman that he is, is curious about the performance of the vehicle.
Jim$: Did it drive like a normal car?
Poppers: Yea I got on the highway and floored it and it took off.
Jurgen: Yea but the battery alert started going crazy
Poppers: Then it screamed at me and said, “hey dude, you’re driving a hybrid don’t you know you are supposed to be a (pile of sticks)”

12:00 – A pair of parking lot attendants walk by and Ostrowe asks them where Lot 51. They respond with a pissed off “what” coupled with a dirty emo look.

12:06 – Jim$ has provided the tailgate with Deutche Bank napkins (Ed. Note: Deutche in spell check wants to be changed to butcher)

12:19 – In Tahoe, Carlton Fisk charged $10,000 to his credit card at the drop of a hat. However, his credit limit is not nearly as much as Jim$.

12:30 – The Cornhole boards are broken out. Dmo and Rick have the first game against Jason and Poppers. This is Rick’s virgin cornhole game. However, it doesn’t last long. After three turns the game is over after Rick only tossed 4 bags.

12:35 – Dmo retells the story of Melissa getting beat with the butt of a gun during a drug deal in her classroom. (Ed. Note: Doug is a well known exaggerator)

12:42 – Ed O’Neill’s car is now The D:Ed Mo’bile after he left his radio on.

12:45 – Hutter shows up with his friend who is complaining that it is hot. His friend also happens to be wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. Hutter responds with, “If it gets cold later you will be all set.”

12:58 – Gary the Tail Gator loves the Big E

12:59 – Potato Rolls are…like….the fantastic. Clearly the godfather of rolls.

1:10 – The Big E asks Rick to video tape him relaxing at the Tailgate. When Lauren walks in front of the camera she tries to flatter the Big E by telling him what he stands for. Elegant, easy, elemental, egregious, excellent, enormous, energetic, eloquent, ecentric, elaborate, essential, electrifying, eerie, ergonomic, emotional, exquisite, excited, edgy, educated, effervescent, ebullient, entertaining, extraordinary, esoteric, ersatz, egotistical, extroverted, economical, eco-friendly, evasive, empirical, enjoyable, enthralling, euphoric, expensive, enhanced, enchanted, eager, established……

1:15 – Bahby still owes Ostrowe $20. Odds are not good that he is going to see that money.

1:21 – Rick is the Moonlight Graham of Cornhole.

1:28 – Jurgen: Where is your fiance?
Jim$: I don’t have a fiance
Jurgen: You killed her?
Jim$: I don’t have a fiance, I have a friend
Lauren: Who is your fiancee?
Jim$: Mrs. Mohr. I am a gentleman.

1:35 – A woman rides by on a bicycle and Poppers relives his Chinese chicken rant. “What the hell is this, the Swiss Alps?”

1:40 – Jim$ is so powerful that he can tell the Running Diary what to write. Rick doesn’t even need to do anything. This is kind of like Jim$ helicopter that can pay the tab.
Jim$ would like the record to show that the pasta salad without the chick peas is fantastic.

1:45 – Ostrowe is passed out in the car and Jim$ would like the record to show that Dmo is the first person that wants to write I heart panis on him. Dmo says he has a sharpie in his car but he comes back with a green highlighter. Ostrowe wakes up and gets out of the car after hearing the plan in its entirety.

1:47 – The sun is fatiguing. The sun is not a gentleman. Let the record show that Ostrowe is a gentleman.

1:48 – Rick starts the Abby Math Problem but stops when he sees who is around.

1:53 – Peg starts to go around and get people’s address for wedding invitations since Eddie O won’t do it. Jim$ gives his home address as 513 Fifth Ave.

1:55 – Ostrowe: Did you know that Rutgers is the birthplace of college football?
Jim$: It’s also the birthplace of nappy headed (Lawn Tools)

1:57 – Ostrowe: Casanova is Spanish for Diercksen. The literal translation is “We must protect this house.”

2:05 – Who had 2:05 in the pool for when drunken Dmo would go on his “Not rooting for the Cowboys is like rooting for the terrorists” rant?

2:12 – Gossip Girl gets the Jim$ seal of approval. $$$$$$$$$

2:15 – For some reason Jurgen asks Jim$ if he would ever marry for money. He never got the memo that Jim$ = Money. Jurgen then admits that he would and if he did he would just sit in his theater room and watch Lord of the Rings, The Bourne Identity, and Die Hard all day. And then mix that up with riding on the yacht that his wife would buy him.

2:16 – Crazy Game of Cornhole

2:32 – Poppers tries to get Eddie O in trouble by talking about his bachelor party that hasn’t been planned yet. A drunk Peg then reaches an epic level.
Peg: Eddies you saw pussies at Bobby’s party! You’re getting an AIDS test. If you put your nose in that girls ass…..
Peg then attacks Rick to try to prevent the previous statement from going into the running diary. After a brief struggle, Peg is chastised by the crowd for trying to change history.
Peg: I’m sorry Rick, you can come to my bachelorette party and teabag me
Poppers: Remember when Eddie O saw pussies at Bobby’s Party.
(Peg punches Eddie O in the mouth and cuts her hand)

2:41 – Jurgen proclaims that Jen was mean in college for not knowing they lived on the same floor. She also made fun of Ostrowe for being to fatigued to eat.
Jurgen: You were so high-brow nose in the air…
Ostrowe: She still is high-brow nose in the air

3:00 – Nubbinsville – New Brunswick is closed for business and we head to the game after Lauren beats Jim$, Jen, and Peg in an epic Shotgun contest.

3:10 – While walking to the stadium we see a customized Cornhole board being used in a drainage ditch. Poppers does not take kindly to these people and proceeds to scream obscenities at them.

3:12 – Lauren is looking for Jason, her fiancee, as well as a lime for her road soda.
Lauren: Do you have a lime.
Rick: Sorry, I don’t carry limes in my pocket.
Lauren: That’s right you only have things with “E’s.” OOO He has lemonade.
Rick: Yea but if someone hands you lemonade, you can’t exactly make limes.

3:18 – Jurgen makes fun of Lauren’s Croakie which keeps her sunglasses on her neck. She gets so angry she screams out, “I hate you. You make fun of my Croakie. You bitch.”

(Ed. Note: By this point, we were being corralled like cattle on their way to the slaughter so I abandoned checking the clock with every post. Deal with it.)

Jurgen takes time out of his day to call a gaggle of NJ chicks “Dumbass Sluts”

At the end of the corral the cops make everyone throw away their beers but somehow Lauren walks right on through. Damn vaginas.

Still no sign of Jason. Lauren is sure to let us know. Luckily Poppers gave her his extra ticket since Jason never gave Lauren her ticket.

Jurgen proclaims that wearing Croakies adds five years to your age. Quick someone sell this idea to 16 year olds.

Lauren insists on calling Rick, Ricky. “It’s so cute” (Ed. Note: Grr)

Lauren: I’m sorry I cursed in front of your parents
Dmo: That’s ok, they are like 80 and have Alzheimer’s

Lauren tries to call Jason again but only dials 8 numbers and wonders why it is busy

Lauren and Ostrowe follow Dmo and Rick to their seats so that they can all sit together. Rick and Dmo are in section 213, Lauren and Ostrowe are in section 201. In an attempt to alleviate the situation Rick crosses out 201 on their tickets and writes in 213.

Lauren calls Jason and tells him she is in section 201 row 6. She forgot that she is not sitting in the seat she is supposed to be in.

Rick likes cannons.

Lauren steals the Running Diary and writes: How will I ever know where you are? Damn U. Where R Ur Parents – Douglas
Aren’t you glad she is a teacher? Maybe she can share this story with her class on Monday.

Ostrowe and Lauren are evicted from their fake seats by KJ, DB & Company
Note: Welcome KJ, DB and Company. Feel free to look around. We love having more people reading the blog and wondering what it all means. And in case you were wondering, Yes we are retarded. I apologize in advance if that is offensive to you.

KJ = The Judge

Dmo: When we beat Rutgers I’m going to whip out my cock and pee on everyone.

It is brought to our attention that KJ and DBickerstaff also tailgate in 9c. Class of 01 representing here in section 213 row 11. Of course Rick was in 11th Grade then so I don’t know what he was representing.

Ostrowe sends Rick a text: Jason has a reservation for one in the doghouse.

Bickerstaff: It’s so hard!!
I’d rather not know what he was talking about. We may or may not have been watching the same game.

KJ claims she is a psychic and predicts a fight will break out today with Bickerstaff in the middle.

Bickerstaff gets yelled at by the families behind him for standing up and blocking the view of the children. For god sake will someone please think about the children!

When Rick goes to get a beverage they take the bottle caps away so that Rick, the juvenile delinquint will not be able to refill the bottle and fire it at Rutgers fans like a missle. Even though god knows they deserve it. They are so high-brow nose in the air just because the first college football game was played here.

Bickerstaff spills his beer all over the guy in front of him. The bubbles are still in the guys hair. Funny!

After Maryland gets a first down by 3 yards.
KJ: They didn’t get it
Rick: No, it’s a first down.
KJ: I am a terrible Judge

Bickerstaff steals the running diary and signs it.

If I hear For Whom the Bell Tolls one more time…..

After dominating the entire first half Maryland gives up two touchdowns in less than a minute to end the half. Section 213 falls deathly ill…..I mean silent.

Did I also mention that the MD starting quarterback was just knocked out of the game?

Dmo went to the bathroom 2o minutes ago and he is not back yet.

Bickerstaff is beside himself. Someone get this man a beer.

Dmo finally returns and regals us with stories of how he was near death. When he was walking up the stairs he looked completely lost but thankfully Bickerstaff started screaming at him. Rick was going to leave him hanging.

Ed. Note: I hate generic football jerseys that have the team name on the name plate. Get rid of em.

The halftime show is a tribute to Chuck Mangione. That sounds like it should be a NBC show on Ice.

While warming up before the second half, the Rutgers horse mascot gets hit by three footballs.

Dmo is finally back to 100% in time for the second half.

After yet another fight about our dismal Cornhole outing, Dmo makes another vaild point: “Ostrowe has had sex with more beanbags then you have thrown”

Lauren and Ostrowe show up to try to schwoog a couple of seats. They wind up sitting 5 rows above us.

Opening the second half, the Terp fans are clapping very meakly. The combination of 14 points and the loss of their quarterback has sucked the wind out of them.

KJ is the godmother of high fives.

Rutgers has two mascots. A soft and cuddly one for the kiddies and a guy (or girl) that actually wears a suit of armor and rides a horse. Which one of them is more sweaty after the game? No homo. Neither one of them can hold the Tail Gator’s jock. No homo.

After a Maryland First Down Rick and Ostrowe exchange long distance air high fives.

Pepsi is the official drink of Rutgers Stadium and Byrd Stadium. Fun Fact: Did you know that part of the reason Mar went to Mar State was because the cafeteria had Pepsi and not Coke?

A Maryland fan has a shirt that says “Fu*k Duke” on the front and “And Bin Laden” on the back.

A Rutgers fan gets a Maryland fan kicked out of the row in front of us. Lauren and Ostrowe proceed to steal the recently vacated seats.

Dmo receives a call from Stanton. All Dmo says is: “Hello dickhead, I have a message for you, Fuck off” and he hangs up.

Bickerstaff leads a Lets Go Maryland chant.

Ostrowe: I thought Fridgen was a offensive genius
Rick: He is offensively fat.

Big defensive stop by the Terps. 213 goes bananas

Dmo calls up a former co-worker of his and also a Rutgers grad: “I hope you can hear the lets go Maryland chants at your quiet stadium.”

Maryland complete the upset of no. 10 Rutgers. On the walk out a “R-U-Overrated” chant is started.

Dmo: (while walking back to the car) Those are some nappy headed (lawn tools)

That “Put em on their backs” shirt is looking dumber and dumber by the second

7:57 – We get back to the tailgate to find Jason playing Cornhole with some Jersey Douches after not even setting foot in the stadium. He doesn’t acknowledge Lauren. He may have a multiple night reservation at the doghouse.

8:05 – Jim$ would like the record to show that he received a text from Dmo that said “Rick is banging chicks” at 5:52

8:10 – Rick restarts the Croakie argument again to see Lauren and Jurgen fight again.

8:15 – Jason finally talks to Lauren and a fight breaks out.
Ostrowe: I can see how entertaining this is when I’m not a part of it.

8:17 – Poppers: Jurgen is a born again Christian.

8:19 – Now that everyone is sober they are afraid to say or do anything around Rick because they don’t want to be in the running diary.

8:20 – Doghouse, population you bro. It is unanimous that Jason is to blame for this fight. That is rare that the guys and girls agree on this point. Of course Dmo is still calling Jason a gentleman but he doesn’t count.

8:25 – Jason and Lauren are arguing in the far reaches of the parking lot. We are looking forward to the post fight confession booth session on the Real World: New Brunswick.

8:30 – Poppers gets a Flair Chop with the mullet wig but does a poor job selling it.

8:35 – After going behind a RV for 10 minutes Jason and Lauren emerge and everything is all hunkey-dorey. Jason is the godfather of getting out of the doghouse. I wish the running diary was closer so we could learn all of his jedi moves.

8:45 – The car is packed and we depart Nubbinsville: New Brunswick for West Nyack.

That was a crazy game of tailgating. And no one got lost in the shuffle.

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One comment on “Put Em on Their Backs 9.29.07

  1. CORRECTION…8:05 – Jim$ would like the record to show that he sent Dmo a text that said “Rick is banging chicks” at 5:52Jim$ requested the record to show he RECEIVED a text from Dmo. He did not send it. In the interest of accuracy, I submit this correction.

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