Title Track (10.5.07)

The other day I stumbled across an older blog written by one of the more entertaining “mainstream” bloggers. The reason I enjoy him so much is because he usually tackles topics with a uncensored blunt honesty, and although I am used to him writing about football, his older blog about being a new father had me cracking up. For instance:

People over-think these names, just like they do with anything regarding their kids. You want your kid to be special? Teach it to juggle cats. Naming them Madison, or Diamond, or Heaven is like giving them a free ticket to Hookertown. That’s why I wanted to name our daughter Bertha. Nobody wants to have sex with a girl named Bertha. As far as I’m concerned, that makes it ideal. I’d name her Bertha Snatchfungus if I could.

I shared this previous paragraph with Dmo the other day and it lead to him doing some excellent research on the theory. An internet photo search on Madison turned up eight pictures of naked chicks out of 20 pictures. Kelli (see Bailey’s Blog #1) turned up an amazing 20 pictures of good looking chicks. Bertha? ZERO pictures of good looking girls, one gigantic bronze cow. Point Proven. I’ll leave you with one last quote and a link to the aforementioned blog: “#1 GIRL GOAL – Make sure she’s never naked in public. If my daughter ever bares herself to anyone with a camera , then I have fucking failed.”

Jesus, that definitely holds the record for longest one thought in a Title Track. I promise to not do that to you again. Back to your regularly scheduled brevity.

In the TBS coverage of the Indians-Yankees series, they have showed game recaps while playing music from the Major League soundtrack. Genius.

Also in this series people were giving LeBron James shit for showing up in a Yankees hats. But F that. It is ridiculous to think that professional athletes need to change their allegiances based on the city they play in. When Yankee fans transplant themselves in other parts of the country, they are still Yankee fans at heart. Athletes are held to enough crazy standards as it is, this shouldn’t be one of them.

Last mention of this series, I promise. Game Two was almost postponed on account of bugs. In HD you can see millions of them just pestering everyone. Joba Chamberlain is covered in gnats.

Some NJ Douchebags (Yes, I know. It goes without saying) are filing a class action lawsuit against Belichick and the Patriots saying that anyone who went to a Jets-Patriots game and Giants Stadium is entitled to money back since the competitive balance of the game was jeopardized by the supposed Patriots camera usage. Idiots.

Lets finish up with some Mail Chain Highlights. The last week has been dominated by godfather jokes. It all started with the true account of Vinny being the godfather of the youngest Paride:
Vinny is the godfather of Queso dip and promise rings
Jim$ is the godfather of ties
Albert is the godfather of the very important cards
18 godfather jokes later, Lake asks to be pulled from the mail chain
Joe Ditmer is the godfather of hooking up with ____ in the Rockland Lake closet
The cough couch is the godfather of couches
Rick is the godfather of talking in his sleep
Nick Nolte is the godfather of blue chips
There were about 200 of these…I can keep going

SARS saved us all the trouble of writing us Pupino’s suicide note. How much leg are we gonna get out of this “joke”:
If I were to tell you that the body of puppino was found last night hanging from a tree outside of his residence, dead from an apparent suicide. Pupino was found in a Steven Jackson jersey and holding a suicide note which read “0-2?? what the F is that?? We’re supposed to go to the superbowl! We’re so screwed without Orlando Pace. Rumors rumors. And why the F can’t Steven Jackson just hold onto the F’ing ball?? I’ll see you in hell Jeff Wilkins, you shoulda made that kick. Oh and I lied, I didn’t a get a BJ in the parking lot from the mom of the autistic kid. I got a BJ from the autistic kid 😦 would that be something you might be interested in?

Daryl and Evelyn just welcomed a son. What should they call it?
Mar: Just welcomed? They had that kid almost 26 years ago and named it Doug Mohr.

SARS is a native of Jimmy Han’s wife’s respiratory system

Rey Vivar is a native of the Philippines
Mar: Anfron Phillipees in Evelyn’s mouth

They just replaced the light bulbs on the Times Square New Year’s ball. Took them long enough. It now contains 9,576 LEDs, can render 16 million colors and is capable of playing video. How long until a company logo graces the ball? That would be an absolute monster of a sponsorship deal. I will say right now, Citi is playing about $20 million a year for naming rights for the new home of the New York Mets. The stadium will host 81 games a year and not many more events. The Ball will go for nearly the same amount if not more and be seen for one minute.

Back when the Yankees first signed A-Rod, everyone was walking around saying, “Oh it’s over. We don’t even need to play. Just give them the title now.” A few years later and the Yankees haven’t even made it to the World Series with A-Rod. Then you have the Patriots, coming into this year everyone was walking around saying, “Oh it’s over. We don’t even need to play. Just give them the title now.” However, they are totally living up to the hype. Then you had cameragate in week one and that seemed to be the tipping point for the team where they decided to just blow everyone away. How great would it be if at the end of the season Belichick holds a press conference and says: “Do you want to know the real reason we won all season?” Then Eric Mangini walks out from backstage give Belichick a hug and stands there smiling. “You bought it! You all bought it! Hook. Line. and Sinker.”

The conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

Week 4 – Black Sunday

During week two I neglected to keep the tradition of the Bailey Log going and it was a bad call. Last week, I was half dead, that was also a bad call, and I was unable to keep a week three log. This week I made a triumphant return and of course the Skins were on a bye week and only one handsome quarterback was playing on Sunday. Don’t call it a comeback:

I got a late start today. I was finishing up the tailgate movie so by the time I pulled into the parking lot at Baileys it is already 1:45. I walk into Baileys and Moro, Daryl and Annoying guy are sitting at a table and SARS is sitting at the bar.

Moro points my attention to the Mets game where the score is 7-0 in the bottom of the first. The Mets do not have 7.

When I ask where Dmo is Moro points at an empty chair. In Moroese this means Dmo is downstairs.

In my first excursion to the Baileys basement, I don’t really know what to expect. However, when I get there I am pleasantly surprised. It is a quaint, grotto like setting. The only negative aspect is that right now it is filled with Cowboys fans.

Dmo looks like he is going to kill himself as Tony Romo throws an interception. Did I mention Dmo is a die hard Mets fan?

I go back upstairs but can only stay there for five minutes. SARS and I decide to relocate downstairs. I tell Daryl on the way down, but unfortunately he seems to be stuck upstairs.

Ever since week one Ostrowe has been craving the Table Buster for Four. He and SARS are down, but I am not that big a fan of BBQ meats. Dmo may never eat again, so the two of them try to recruit others to share their table buster. No takers.

The Table Buster is like the Super Bowl two years ago for Peyton Manning. One day they will get it.

Perhaps they will let them purchase the Table Buster in installment plans. Not Money wise. Ostrowe and SARS are willing to pay for it all this week, but only receive half of the meat now, and half of the meat at a date to be determined.

Dante Hall just returned a punt for a TD. The Cowboys fans have become deathly ill….I mean silent. In a related story, non-Cowboys fans are shocked Hall is on the Rams let alone in the league.

∫ I just accidentally types this here symbol to the left. It is pretty cool looking. It’s kinda like the Heroes Godsend symbol.

The guy upstairs is the godfather of obnoxious humans.

Romo just had a ridiculous run. This is going to lead to a lot of references to his grandma.

Jersey Steve makes his first Baileys appearance. Literally this is how he introduced himself. He tells us that he has been going to Pieman for 25 years because he likes the bartender. Jesus Christ. This is the type of person that I never want to become. PS I wonder what this chick looks like now after 25 years of being hounded by Jersey Steve.

We all know that I chew my straws, but what SARS gets a Sprite and I throw my chewed up straw into it no one wins.
How about dem Cowboys fans. They must think the Cowboys never go offsides. They almost ripped the TV off the wall.

Cowboys fan are always the first ones to call for a horse collar tackle. That’s because they invented it.

3:1 Odd that these Cowboys fans only have Cowboys on their fantasy teams. Every play the Cowboys make someone screams, “That’s fantasy points for me!”

Ostrowe: Do you think Daryl is still sitting upstairs or did he kill himself?

The Jets have turned losing into an art form. They find fantastic ways to lose each week.

Soon after Ostrowe ventures upstairs, SARS and I follow suit. Ostrowe is startled at how easily SARS can sneak up on you.

Two misplaced guys walk into Baileys in suits and ties.

As the Browns game is finishing we notice the token Baileys Brown fan sitting at the bar cheering the Browns victory. Two weeks ago this guy could have been an entire post himself. While the Browns were busy in their shootout with the Bengals, he was screaming various obscenities at the television. The highlight was: “If the Browns lose this game I am going to shoot everyone in the bar. But I am going to start with myself so no one else has to get hurt.” Pupino might grow up to be this guy.

Bah, who am I kidding Pupino is already dead.

Joining Pupino beyond the grave is Cadillac Williams. His career may be over in which case he can change his last name to ElDorado.

SARS is the godfather of leaving the bar early to pick up a player who had a good game on the waiver wire.

Also at Baileys this week is Eddie C. Ostrowe knows him from the liquor store. I know him from RCC. In short, everything we SAY about Jim$ is actually true about Eddie C. There literally is a helicopter outside waiting to pay everyone’s bill.

If Tom Brady’s head were to fall off during MNF this week, Tony Kornheiser and the rest of the booth would automatically start to talk like a 50’s newsreel. Oh the tragedy.

SARS: People who drive Civics are douchebags
Rick: Hey I drive a Civic!

Ostrowe: I wish (that guy in the) Chad (Pennington Jersey) would move (so I could see some side boob)
Rick: Just throw something at him
SARS: You know he wouldn’t be able to throw it back

After that comment I am going to call it a day. I am still winded from yesterday. Stay Classy Baileys