A Very Merry Bah Bowl

It has somehow become an annual tradition for the Cowboys to play the Panthers. Since 2002 they have met five times in the regular season, and once in the playoffs. The Cowboys are undefeated in the regular season, the Panthers are undefeated in the playoffs. What makes these games so special, is their highly combustible nature. It doesn’t have to do with the owners, or the coaches, or the players, or even the cities themselves. In one corner we have Dmo, a die hard Cowboys fan and the other corner features Ostrowe, a die hard Panthers fan. In the past The Bah Bowl (Trademark) had led to a lot of drinking which of course means entertainment which of course means we need……..a running diary!

(PS if you read that last part in the Mark Summers, Double Dare, Physical Challenge voice, it is a lot more fun)

8:04 – After picking up Dmo and Ole Mel, the Rickmobile pulls into the Bailey’s Parking Lot. The three of them head directly downstairs to the Grotto, aka The Cowboys Room. Ostrowe has agreed to watch the Bah Bowl this year in what could be called Dmo’s home field. This part of Baileys is a cozy bar downstairs nestled in the corner next to the restaurant. The only people that ever watch football here are cowboys fan. The one exception is the friend of one of the Cowboys fans who loves to root for whoever is playing the Cowboys. Even the bartender is a Cowboys fan.

8:05 – Dmo has a shot upon making eye contact with the bartender. Mel is shocked and disturbed. She points out that Dmo doesn’t take shots unless he is hammered. Rick neglects to point out that Dmo has taken a shot before every big Dallas game this year.

8:06 – Cowboy Wiggle gives Mel his seat and the bartender proclaims “Wow. What a gentleman.” The running diary will be tracking to see how many times someone is declared to be a gentleman. Check back at the end for the final tally.

8:09 – Daryl!

8:11 – Dmo tells the Cowboy Wiggles that Daryl is a Giants fan. He is such a gentleman they don’t seem to mind.

8:15 – The Panthers are donning their shitty blue uniforms tonight thus confirming that Ostrowe is officially late for the Bah Bowl.

8:17 – The combination of http://www.ruinromo.com and Tony Romo’s injured thumb immediately comes into play as Romo fumbles the opening snap of the game. Dmo receives word that Ostrowe is OMW. Melissa takes issue with the poor grammer used when saying the phrase “Ostrowe is OMW.” Daryl, an OMW forefather, puts her in her place.

8:18 – Terry!

8:22 – It stands to be noted that last time Terry and Daryl watched a football game together, Dmo pushed Daryl into a Christmas Tree.

8:23 – Rumor has it that Ostrowe will be here today with his lady friend, Red. That means that not only is it Cowboys against Panthers and Ostrowe against Dmo, but we also can look forward to how Mel and Red will factor into this game. The loser stands to get rather wasted thus making things difficult for his ladyfriend.

8:29 – The cap for this exciting weekend is the Fitzy’s Christmas Party tomorrow night! Fitzy’s is such a caring establishment, that the only requirement of patrons at the open bar party will be to bring a canned food item.

8:32 – Mel’s Christmas party was an open bar. Jim$ had about 28 open bar Christmas parties this month. Both of them work in the public sector. It’s great to know our tax dollars are helping to fund their open bar parties.

8:33 – NFL Network complaint #1. They are airing a four minute Romo interview in which he is wearing a pink shirt, while sitting in front of a purple background (which he can only pull off since he his quite handsome) and this is all happening in the middle of game action. The bartender is confused and yelling.

8:34 – Ostrowe! (alone for now)

8:35 – The Loud, Obnoxious Anti-Dallas fan arrives. (LOAD)

8:37 – Some douche, who is oblivious to his surroundings, camps out right in front of the TV.

8:43 – TD 4 TO inevitably leads to more drinking for Ostrowe.

8:51 – BREAKING NEWS: starting January 1, THE N WILL BE ON 24/7!!

8:53 – A shocking and disturbing moment:
Dmo: Did you know that Megan is pregnant

8:54 – The Bailey crowd finally ends their silence. At the exact moment Mel screamed “Fuck You” the entire bar and restaurant was silent. Now we can only guess how many of the children here have been corrupted by Mel’s mouth. The bar is still shocked. Ostrowe points out that Poppers has nothing to worry about since girls can’t get pregnant by running out of your room at 2AM.

8:55 – Dmo gives Ostrowe a formal flair chop. No homo.

8:56 – The Cowboy Wiggles hear the “get the sand out of your vagina” line for the first time ever and go insane. They love it.

8:59 – NFL Network Glitch #1

9:05 – We do have to give the NFL Network props for creating a Roy Williams Horse Collar Tackle Montage.

9:09 – Ostrowe’s Pulled Pork sandwich takes a very roundabout way to get to him. It spirals around the entire bar before making its way to his lap.

9:12 – The Cowboy Wiggles are starting to get rowdy. Ostrowe is bumming. And Mike Carey has a very solid mustache. You wouldn’t even be able to call it cheesy.

9:15 – Another NFL Network glitch hampers the use of a really cool drive chart.

9:17 – Dmo downs another shot. As DeAngelo Williams delivers a stiff arm to Terrance Newman that pushes him back five yards. The entire bar starts screaming, but Dmo is in denial about what just happened.

9:18 – Terrance Newman is crying on the sidelines.

9:19 – Mar!

9:20 – Panthers follow up the stiff arm from hell with a TD pass. LOAD starts playing his air guitar. Dmo wants Mar to leave.

9:21 – Mar is craving a serving of glazed ham.

9:22 – This bartender loves to run his mouth and prove to people how knowledgeable he is.

9:31 – It has taken a while but Cowboy Wiggle is starting to make bets on individual plays. He makes a bet with LOAD that the Cowboys will gain 8 yards on their next run. They don’t.

9:32 – The game gets switched to America’s Most Wanted. Everybody screams. You know, AMW is only one letter away from being Daryl’s favorite show!

9:34 – After a first down by the Panthers, Ostrowe comments that the Dallas defense is looking Carolinaesque.

9:36 – Daryl accepts a bet from the Cowboy Wiggle. If the Cowboys don’t score on this drive Daryl is two dollars richer.

9:41 – Dmo buys shots for a bunch of other people. He is up to three now.

9:42 – Panthers stop the Cowboys. Daryl wins two dollars! And as a result he starts preparing to leave.

9:43 – Mel returns from the restroom to regal us with the story of Dmo using the ladies room.
We aren’t very surprised. Dmo was completely justified in his actions due to the Mar Corollary.

9:45 – SARS!

9:53 – Dmo: SARS is showing off his iPhone. Shocker.
Mar: You give Abby the Shocker.

9:54 – Jim$ is moments away from entering Baileys. You can feel a sense of electricity running through the place and everyone eagerly awaits the moment the net worth of the bar will skyrocket as Jim$ walks through the door.

9:56 – Jim$ walks through the door and we all cheer. At that exact moment the busboy walks between us and Jim$ and he thinks the applause is for him.

9:59 – Someone brings up Moro’s mystery surgery. We decide that he probably got dip artificially inserted into his lip.

10:01 – Chris Hanson is officially OMW as SARS shows off pictures of a little boy named Pepe on his phone.

10:03 – Terry thinks we can set SARS up with Moro

10:05 – We have 70% of the mail chain here. This room is quite gentlemanly.

10:06 – Mar tells everyone a story: Jim$, although he is the captain of Hoboken, still sends in an absentee ballot for the Clarkstown School Board Elections. Mar’s mother happens to work on the committee. She saw Jim$’ ballot and although she wasn’t supposed to count it, she did only because it came from a Captain.

10:07 – We now present to you: Ole Mel’s List of Gentlemen
1. Daryl
2. Rick
3. Terry
5. Jim$
6. Ostrowe
7. Mar
8. Dmo
9. Ricky

10:10 – Let’s Reminisce. Remember the time Mel was so drunk she peed in the streets of NYC. Oh wait. She did it twice. Oh and then there was the time she went to fucking Parsippany and then got uber pissed at Jim$ because he called her a “whore.” Good times.

10:14 – Ostrowe claims that he never instigates anyone. And right now he was not trying to instigate Mel one bit. Rick is quick to point out that he and Ostrowe instigate people habitually. We are habitual instigators.

10:16 – First awful comment of the night:
Dmo – Terrance Newman is the best CB in the league
Daryl – Maybe if Samari Rolle died, Shawn Springs died, Champ Bailey died…
Ostrowe – Sean Taylor died

10:24 – Mel screams F the gentlemen. Immediately six half naked girls appear from the ether and swarm Jim$

10:27 – Mel and Rachel are going to a New Year’s Eve party in NYC with a $95 cover charge. Dmo has no desire to go, so Mel bought him his ticket so that he can’t complain about paying for it. Dmo then proceeds to tell everyone that he hopes to get hit by a bus before then so he doesn’t have to go.

10:28 – Some random guy walks in with his girlfriend. They are both way out of their element, however, he does his damnedest to fit in. He loudly cheers everything that Dallas does. First Down. He is yelling. Six yard rush. He is yelling. Tony Romo ties his shoe. He is yelling. What a tool.

10:31 – After a Tony Romo interception, Daryl taps Dmo on the back and says “nice throw Tony.” Dmo calmly responds “I hope you die Daryl.”

10:34 – We all pose for the most gentlemanly picture of all time. As the flash goes off, Cowboy Wiggle is stunned and tells us that he needs to add some color to our picture.

10:36 – Dmo rips what Mar refers to as “Grilled Diarrhea Flatulence.” The grotto is almost evacuated. That was a Terry like fart

10:37 – Red!

10:38 – As America gets another first down, Mel tries to order five drinks from the bartender (for her and four others) but is rejected. The bar is out of control and he has lost all control.

10:42 – It is redeclared that Daryl is a gentleman. Especially since he was going to leave an hour ago but he is still here.

10:47 – The lighting at Fitzy’s is a gentleman

10:48 – Mar asks Jim$ “How’s Abby.” Rick is shocked that it took this long for Abby to be mentioned, however, Jim$ informs him that when he arrived Mar asked him if he was running late because he was banging Abby in the A$$. (So that explains why Jim$ is an A$$ man….)

10:49 – An amendment is made to the list of gentlemen. Jim$ leaps ahead of Sars into the four spot. Mel gives the reasoning that Jim$ buys her booze, and Sars shocks and disturbs her.

10:50 – Mar is winded! It’s good to have him back in Rockland.

10:52 – I declare that that the “I declare” running joke in the mail chain had the potential to have more legs than any other running joke in the Chain of Gentleman. Well, except for the godfather joke. That was majestic. Just as a reminder, Kurt Mohr is the godfather of gentlemen.

10:53 – Gmail = Gentleman Mail

10:53 – Mel is double fisting.

10:55 – Just so that you know, there is still a football game on TV in which Steve Smith is writhing on the ground in pain. Meanwhile, Ostrowe is comforted by the fact that he has been moved up on the list of gentlemen to the number five spot ahead of Sars.

10:07 – This game just got interesting. The Panthers are within striking distance and with TO injured, the Panthers defense is doing their job (for once). Bonus points added because we can’t hear Gumbel.

11:09 – Now that the restaurant is completely empty Mel has no issues about giving Jim$ a loud FU

11:11 – Jim$ buys out the list of gentlemen and declares it to be null and void. He furthers declares that there is a nine way tie for the number one gentleman.

11:15 – And that it. Dmo has won yet another regular season Bah Bowl. Ostrowe takes solace in the fact that the Panthers win when it matters most.

11:17 – Terry is above the list.

11:18 – Dmo takes shot #4. He doesn’t even like tequila. In the early going here the outcome tonight may have a new variable. Ostrowe might be so upset that the Panthers lost, that he will drink heavily. Dmo might be so happy that the Cowboys won, that he will drink heavily. This is why we do experiments . The Running Diary just got giddy.

11:25 – Mel calls herself a gentleman

11:26 – Mel tells the bar that she wants to go to Lace. The place erupts. The Cowboy Wiggles demand that someone get this girl titties for her face.

11:31 – Dmo takes shot #5. When he asks for some water to wash it down, Ostrowe tells him to get the sand out of his vagina. Dmo defiantly puts the water down, but immediately picks it back up and chugs it.

10:37 – Mel is begging Dmo to take her to Lace. Surprisingly Dmo is not drunk enough to let that happen.

10:39 – Red knows the number for Lace.

10:45 – Mel is still talking about how she wants to go to Lace:
Bartender: I want to see titties now
Jim$: Oh my god! We have so much in common!
Bartender: Well, we’re males, we’re white, and we love titties
Jim$: I’m Jimmy!
Bartender: I’d crawl through the forest to see some titties right now.

10:59 – Did we mention that Bunnymeg is pregnant?

11:00 – Ostrowe is trying to further instigate Mel by exclaiming how much of a gentleman Vinny is. Perhaps Rick should stop him since last time this happened, he got into a car accident on the way home…

The night ended without any other incidents and also without a Lace visit. Well, except for Jim$ of course. He sleeps with 8 Lace girls every night.

Final Tally of Gentlemen: 108 comments
Including an astonishing 25 between 10:20 & 10:34

Post Script: The day after The Bah Bowl was the day of the Fitzy’s Christmas Party. Two of the top five events of the Piccinich Calendar Year in the same weekend. As expected it led to another fantastic time and even had more of a turnout than the Bah Bowl. Moro and the Godfather showed up meaning 80% of the Chain of Gentlemen was present. And we even took a picture that was more gentlemanly than the one from the night before.

Nine Gentlemen w/ Color: Bah Bowl 07

One comment on “A Very Merry Bah Bowl

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