All You Need To Know About Captains

In the course of our travels one evening, Moro randomly began a highly advertised man crush on Terry, and I’m sure if you asked him he would reply, “HOW COULD YOU NOT?!?! DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY WE ARE?!?!?!” Anywho, He refered to Terry as the Social Captain of Rockland County. This idea was new to all of us, but we decided it was not worth going into. Eventually however, Moro talked about it enough that it became part of our lexicon. But in case you were wondering, it still makes absolutely no sense. So what better way to to solve this puzzle than to ask the man, the myth, the legend himself.

Mr. Moro – I was hoping that you could take some time out of your busy day and/or night to answer some questions I have about Captains. Being that you are a foremost expert, I aspire to one day know almost as much as yourself.

1. I have read some of your reports, is it true that Terry was the first “Social Captain of Rockland County” that you identified?
He’s always been the Captain. I just made sure everyone was aware.

2. How did Terry have this title bestowed upon himself?

You see Rick, to be the Captain of an area is an honor. You HAVE to know all the bartenders, HAVE to know all the places to go EVERY night, and HAVE to be aware of events going on in your region. Terry simply knows whats going on – the ins, outs, and secrets of this suburb we call Rockland. Why do you think he gets large tips? It’s an extra Captains fee! Terry was bestowed with this title after the last Captain left Rockland to move to the city.

3. Do Terry’s parents know what they have created? Does Sunra know
how lucky she is?

Yes, yes, and hopefully yes. I sure know that we all know how lucky we are to have such a great leader, and hopefully, those close to him know as well. I mean, did you SEE the standing ovation he got in Fitzy’s on his birthday? That’s no ordinary patron coming in.

4. So these regions you discussed previously, how are they determined?

Great question Rick. Obviously mid-sized to large cities have great nightlife. But a place like Rockland, there is no huge city. Basically places that aren’t a big city (i.e. Chicago, NY, LA, Atlanta, etc.), you start with the County. The County HAS to have a nightlife scene. In Rockland, its Nyack. If a County does not have one town that is the “scene”, you stretch to two counties. Therefore, Rockland is one district. IF, however, one county has a city that has a population of 100,000, that city within the county has its own Captain. Take, for instance, Hudson County in NJ. The city of Hoboken has 100,000 residents, therefore, has to have its own Captain (Jim$). Rockland has no such city of 100,000, therefore, warrants its own County Captain.

5. What happens if one Captain moves into an already occupied district?

Another great question Rick. Let’s say for example Terry moves to Hoboken. Terry certainly has credentials to be Captain, and will expect to be the Captain is his newfound area of residence. HOWEVER, Hoboken has its own Captain – Jim$. In this case, to determine the Social Captain of the region, it is only fair to gather the residents at the best local bar, and watch a drink off between the 2 candidates. We call this game “Power Forever”. Now, the rules state that the invading Captain has to drink 2 shots right off the bat, to give the current Captain a handicap. Which makes sense, because, well, the other Captain is invading the current Captain’s area. So its a drink off, last one standing is the Captain.

6. How many Social Captains are there in America? Worldwide?

LOTS. Worldwide, MILLIONS. There is even a Captain Planet.

7. Who was the first known Captain?

Interesting question. There are many theories of who was the first known Captain. It is unknown at this point who was the first known Captain in America. But there are early reports that the Captains would have drink-offs as early as the 1700s. You think the Revolutionary war was decided on the battlefield?!?!? Get real! It was decided in the bars between the Captains of the American towns and the Captains of the invading British that tried to be Captains. The Americans won most of the Power Forevers, and thus, won their independence.

8. Will you have to kill me upon telling me all this information?

All this information is out there in your local library!

9. How can one start on a path to becoming a Captain?

Internship – by following around a Captain and his daily duties.

10. What kind of duties to Captains have?

Sleeping until 4pm, adding new things to the local menu of a restaurant, visiting the sick, providing inspiration the kids, kissing babies, throwing out the first pitch of local little league games, doing whatever they want, etc. Very broad question here.

11. What other known Captains are hanging around the Tri-State area?

Jim$ is the Captain of Hoboken. Various districts of NYC – Derek Jeter, Jerry Seinfeld, etc. etc.

12. Is this not the most retarded thing that has ever been created?

Debatable (ed. note: Could be a close second to the Pet Rock. But then again it did make a million dollars…)

13. If my dog runs away, would my local Captain be able to help me
track him down?

Depends on the time of day your dog runs away! If he runs away at 2pm, I think you’re out of luck because your Captain is still sleeping! (ed. note: If you local Captain is still sleeping, Moro is available to help. He once found a dog that ran away. True Story)

14. Is there a lot of animosity between Captains?

Only when a Captain tried to invade another Captains’ residence. But overall, all Captains get along. Those National Captains meetings get a little crazy at points.

15. Beep Bop Boop Bip?

Bobby McFerrin is a gentleman. Stewie is the Captain of Family Guy.

16. If Terry is unable to fulfill his duty, who takes his place? What would it take for this to happen? Who else is in the Captain’s Cabinet?

Wally. Hands down! There was enough support for Wally when he was in the running with Terry that he can be a respectable Captain. He has all the features to be a great Captian of Rockland. He lives in Nyack, co-owns and works at a Nyack bar and overall, is a gentleman! However, it would take nothing short of an nuclear holocaust to remove Terry from his position. Terry can’t even get cancer, cancer once got Terry though.
The Captain’s Cabinet is a behind the scenes council and consultants that Terry relies on to inform him of issues within the sectors of his district. They inform Terry of any issues happening in their sectors that could affect the social scene in Rockland County. For example, if a new bar is opening up in Nyack, the Cabinet member of the Nyack sector of Rockland informs Terry that we have a potentially new arena for a social scene. The Cabinet member also informs Terry of risks of this new arena to other existing arenas in Nyack. For example, lets say a new club opens up in Nyack. What is the risk to Black Bear? OVI? Bruxelles? Is this new bar going to cause a danger to the business and social scene of those bars? Assuming Terry approves the opening of this new bar, he may show up for the grand opening, cut the rope to the entrance, and shake hands with the Owner. Some members of the Captain’s Cabinet and their representing sectors include:
Congers – Nick Casanova
Nyack – Chris Moro
New City – Ostro [sic]
West Nyack – Doug Mohr

etc., etc.

17. What does the future hold for Captains?

Interesting question, and I’ve heard many different viewpoints on this subject. There are many different styles of Captains, and, Captains have to alter their styles as the years go on, and Technology grows. The question is best left for the Future to answer. (ed. note: That is deep)

18. What benefits are associated with being a Captain?

Ladies. Lots of them. (ed. note: Obviously some captains get more ladies than others *cough* Jim$ *cough*)

19. Terry and the President of the United States of America walk into Fitzy’s, who gets the table by the megatouch? What about Terry vs. Jessica Alba? Chad Pennington? Chester Taylor? (He scored three touchdowns in one game!!!!)

Terry wins hands down in all those situations. It’s kind of like a “veto” from Congress. Congress can override a veto from the President, and so can Terry if the President walks into Fitzy’s and wants to sit in his chair. Plus, I mean, does the President know he will get his butt kicked from Terry if he takes his chair?!?!? I mean, we’re talking about the Captain of Bergen Catholic lacrosse in 1995!

20. Can Terry call for thunder whenever he needs it? Security!

Thunder is his middle name.

So there you have it folks. Please feel free to pass along and questions or comments you would like Mr. Moro to follow up on. And for the record, after the interview I took a run over to the New City Library to see what information I could dig up on my own. I found out that the institute of Social Captains is one of the more progressive in the history of the world. Notable African American Captains include Jack Johnson, Joe Louis, and Jim Crow. Famous women Captains include Betsy Ross, Pocahontas, and Annie Oakley. But did you know Harriet Tubman was also a multi-region Captain after winning a power forever at every stop on the Underground Railroad?

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