The Testudo Region has now gone official. Mullets Over Miami Peed on Buffalo Wild Wings Opening Day; Jeanette sipped on some victory champagne from the Abbacoozie; Joe Rutko survived a head-on collision with the fourth of July; Pupino smoked the Game of the Century; MoeMar successfully made it to the top of the Radical Rock after falling behind early to The Big Metal E; Dmo’s Roomates farted on Rasho; Dmo’s Bed was more comfortable than Ostrowe and Fitz’s Sis; and Jim$ bought out Degrassi. Now we are moving on to the next region.
Ever since War Emblem instilled a sense of hope in a down-trodden Post 9-11 world, the Triple Crown has become a tradition. A tradition so strong, that it earned it’s very own region in the Piccinich Madness Bracket. For a slightly outdated, but still semi-official list of the greatest Triple Crown races of all time, see the end of the Preakend 2005 Running Diary. But now we have the great pleasure of welcoming the Triple Crown Region into the ring.
As the number one seed in the Triple Crown Region, Chevy Chase has a lot of power. However, with that power comes great responsibility. While at the Belmont in 2004, Ronald Reagan passed away and they announced it on the jumbotron . The next year at the Preakness we decided it would be fun to spread a rumor that someone died. When it was decided that Gerald Ford was too obvious, Ostrowe suggested Chevy Chase. From there the “joke” took off. Rick “got a phone call from him mom” telling him that Chevy just died and we spent the rest of the day spreading the “news.” Most people took it in stride and suggested their own accounts of how he died. The actual scope of the “rumor” will never be able to be measured but for arguments sake we will say 3.45 Million people thought Chevy Chase was dead by the end of the month. Post Script: Four Years Later when we told the story to Anfron he thought Chevy Chase was really dead.
As a reminder, our first trip to the Waffle House was after the 2004 Kentucky Derby. We specifically picked the Best Western in East Bumblefuck because it was next to a waffle house. Ever since that first trip to this fine southern restaurant, it has become a routine stop on any southern swing. Other Waffle House highlights include:
– The female cook with a hairnet and eye patch
– Anfron going to another table and eating discarded their discarded food
– Ostrowe passing out in the car outside, then waking up to female titties on the window
– Anfron ordering “a friggin steak” and to drink “a friggin beer”
Rick: Waffle House was the last team in, and they pulled off a dramatic comeback in the play in game
Ostrowe: You have to admire Waffle House’s tenacity, but the Chevy Chase thing was epic. There were about 100,000 people at the Preakness and I would say at least 40% of them went home thinking Chevy Chase was no longer with us
R: The crazy chef from Waffle House had to be on as much drugs as Chevy Chase. And the Waffle House waitress from MD thinks we are on as much drugs as Chevy Chase
O: I think Chevy Chase’s heart attack came as a result of eating at Waffle House
8 Sunburn v. 9 Poison Ivy
This match up of Preakness related discomforts both revolve around Ostrowe. The best part about the sunburn is that Ostrowe had brought sunscreen to protect himself. The sunscreen came in glue stick form, however, at the end of the day it was obvious that he missed a few spots. Mar also has been attacked by the sun
Ostrowe passed out while Rick was driving from the Preakness back to College Park in 2005. He was on the phone when he noticed Ostrowe waking up and tilting his body towards the window. Rick asked if he was trying to take a piss out the window to which Ostrowe arrogantly responded that he was. Rick immediately pulled off the road and Ostrowe decided to walk 20 yards into the woods to take his piss. All was fine until a few days later when his Uber Poison Ivy From Hell kicked in and left him looking like this.
O: I am retarded
R: (arrogantly) Yea. What was more painful?
O: The Poison Ivy was definitely more painful, however the scars from the sunburn are much worse
R: Sounds like a Papa Roach song
O: The pain from the sunburn died down in less than a week, I had poison ivy for like two months. God bless Vodka and cranberry juice
4 Lemon Relay v. 13 Faux Ben Howland
Another product of the 2003 Belmont, the Lemon Relay was a spontaneous result of too much rain, and of course Pupino. The lemon relay consisted of taking a Lemon and putting it in your mouth, jogging in place for thirty seconds, then passing the lemon peel on to the next participant. The relay went on for about 2 minutes before we got winded. Of course none of us had ever been winded yet, so maybe it wasn’t stopped on account of windedness. No Homo.
Faux Ben Howland:
The scene: Preakness 2003. In the grandstand, there was a guy wearing Pitt jacket, and since the Real Ben Howland had just left his job as Pitt Head Basketball Faux Ben was born. The only thing that makes Faux Ben memorable was his outstanding cheese platter. Whenever Faux Ben was not looking Dmo raided his cheese. When Faux Ben finally caught him, he told Dmo that he did not need to steal it, he could have as much as he wanted. Dmo told him that he didn’t want anymore cheese. Dmo of course kept taking cheese so long as Faux Ben was not looking.
R: This is going to be a tough vote since they were both “you needed to be there incidents.” …oh wait that’s the whole tournament
O: I had to have the Lemon Relay explained to me the next day because I was too drunk to remember, and when it was explained i still couldn’t believe it
R: That shows the true power of Pupino in that even I participated and I was completely sober
O: That’s no rumor!
R: Ben doesn’t even get a word in edgewise in the commentary….that’s not good for business
5 Anfron Pee v. 12 Ostrowe Pee
At the end of the day after the 2007 Preakness, Anfron was hammered. Some of you may not know, but Anfron gets hammered like no ones business, it is never a pretty sight. And by not a pretty sight we mean it is hilarious. So anyway, once we got back to the car, Anfron , still offended by the Hundred $ Kid (see below) and his shenanigans, proceeded to pull down his pants and started peeing in the direction of the homeowner. The situation was made even more life threatening when Anfron screamed “This is what you get you fucking _______”
Belmont 2003 might go down as the greatest Triple Crown race of all time. Somehow five years have passed since this historic day. It poured all day, no joke, downpour from 7AM to 6PM. By the afternoon we were all drenched, but it was a good time had by all. When the race was about to start none of us wanted to leave our position due to the fact it would take forever to get back. Of course Ostrowe had to take a piss, but he was able to rationalize that since he was already soaking wet, and it was going to be raining for a few more hours, he could just pee his pants and it would make no difference. So he did.
R: We have the second appearance by your urine
O: Anfron’s pee almost got us killed
R: Your urine is a power conference
O: My pee was more of the cheeky and fun variety, Anfron’s pee was cruel and tragic, and therefore hilarious
R: At least you had the decency to not whip your penis out in public, and for that I thank you
O: Revenge is a dish best served warm and yellow
R: Yvonne loved your revenge
6 Storm of the Century v. 11 Eddie O’s Dad’s Chair
Storm of the Century:
When we got rained on while sleeping in Papa John’s Stadium parking lot, we figured that was the last rain would we see all weekend. We were sadly mistaken. Around 4:00 PM on race day the second worse storm we have ever had the honor of being a part of descended upon Churchill Downs. What was a gorgeous day, quickly turned into a shitshow. There was mud puddles and mud people everywhere. Rick went to the bathroom, which was unfortunately located in a valley, and was once again covered in piss. Visibility was at a record low, but after an hour or so, the Storm finally passed. After the race, we started heading back to Maryland, the backseat was extra soggy being that I left the window open all day. Somewhere in the middle of Kentucky we once again encountered the storm. We got off the road, got a hotel room (No homo) and the next morning continued our ride to Maryland. As we reached the state of Maryland we encountered the storm for a third time. This time we drove through and came out the other side alive. When we reached our final destination in College Park, we got inside and later that evening we fought the Storm for a fourth time.
Eddie O’s Dad’s Chair:
In a drunken stupor Eddie O’s Dad’s Chair said something uncalled for to Ostrowe and paid the ultimate price. That’ll learn him.
O: If Eddie O’s dad’s chair was a man I would punch him. I’d punch him right in the mouth.
R: Keeping the theme going the storm the century pissed on us….4 times….and you metaphorically pissed on Eddie O’s Dad’s Chair
O: I literally thought we were going to die on that drive home . . . we were driving through half a foot of water and people were flying past us, then I looked down at the speedometer and saw we were doing 60 . . . madness
R: This is a tough match to call
O: It’s up to the voting public to decide
3 Hundred $ Kid v. 14 Sweet Murph Teriyaki
Hundred $ Kid:
Sigh. When you go to Preakness, the locals allow you to park on their lawns for a price. Every year we park in the same place. Well every year except 2007. That year Rick randomly decided to park in a new place. When the fine young gentlemen working the yard asked for $20, Rick asked if they had change of $100. The fine young gentleman affirmed that he did and once Rick handed the bill over the fine young gentleman ran away screaming “I GOT $100, I GOT $100.” The entire incident happened in slo-mo, yet no one was able to do anything about it. Easily the most surreal moment of all Preaknesses.
Sweet Murph Teriyaki:
The 2005 Preakness featured Eddie O’s friend Murph. Murph’s epic day started when he ordered a banana at Dunkin Donuts effectively shutting down the work flow. It was rung up as an “extra dry topping.” Later that day Murph passed out so we put a Subway wrapper on his head and the Sweet Murph Teriyaki was born.
O: I still can’t believe you just handed that kid a $100 bill
R: Neither do I. I am colorblind
O: colorblind = retarded
R: The Sweet Murph Teriyaki is very delicious. No homo
O: you beat me to that. On the plus side I’m sure that $100 bought that kid a ton of crack
R: I wrote it off as a donation to the inner city youth on my taxes
7 Hacksaw Mark Duggan v. 10 Cheesy Mustache Guy
The legend of Hacksaw Mark is another memorable moment from the 2004 Kentucky Derby. When we arrived in the infield at 8:30AM, Hacksaw was already bombed. He had one of those helmets with two cup holders and straws to maximize drunkenness. He got his name due to the fact he would randomly shout out “HOOOOOOOOO” ala Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Around 11:00 Hacksaw Mark disappeared and was pronounced dead at 1:30. Around 6:00, just before the big race, a faint HOOOO was heard in the distance, and out of no where Hacksaw Mark re-entered our lives.
Cheesy Moustache Guy:
For as long as we can remember, we have always been fascinated with cheesy moustaches. More than likely this was created by Pupino. At the very first Preakness we tried to take pictures with as many cheesy mustaches as possible. Everyone was very cooperative, except this one douche. He refused to take a picture with us, and when we when took one anyway, he snatched the camera out of Dmo’s hands and stomped it on the ground. Even though we couldn’t take any more pictures for the rest of the day, the picture still survived.
O: Cheesy mustache guy really did not want his picture taken. I guess if I had a mustache as cheesy as his I wouldn’t either.
R: He needed to borrow Hacksaw’s hat so he could loosen up
O: Hacksaw Mark sprinted out of the gate and kept up his pace the entire way
R: Now that you mention it, he did. That is uncanny. He’s gotta be a Captain of somewhere
O: Churchill Downs
2 Sandy Chang v. 15 Negro Mountain
At our first Preakness, we made the rookie mistake of not spending the extra money to get into the infield. Now as wily veterans, we have learned the errors of our ways. However, that doesn’t mean that our first Preakness was without memorable moments. Sandy Chang resides at the top of this list. As was the tradition back then, Ostrowe always traveled with a plethora of beads. Sandy Chang (that was her real name by the way) wanted some beads, but as is the law, she needed to earn them. She led Ostrowe up to the top of the grandstand earned her beads. Upon returning Ostrowe regaled us with stories of her Oreo Cookie Nipples. Afterwards she left her cell phone in our possession and we used it to call all her friends. Had Anfron been with us on that day, he surely would have banged her right in the ass.
The drive to Louisville from Seven Springs was ten hours long. It’s hard to figure out how we managed to survive the trip. Along the way we saw a ton of interesting signs. Nitro, WV (Where everyone drives atlaspheres), Big Chimney, and the Big Sandy River. But the most amazing sign we saw was Negro Mountain. Enough said.
R: Can you describe how Sandy made you feel?
O: Not really. It made me feel like she was an idiot, because I had another pair of the same beads I gave her in my pocket that I put on after she showed me heroreo cookie nips
R: The hundred $ kid may have bought Negro Mountain with my donation
O: I still can’t believe that in the 21st century there’s a place named Negro Mountain in America. And it’s not in Haverstraw.
Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Piccinich.