Bonus time for all you faithful readers. Here is the final region of Piccinich Madness. As with the Testudo Region, these write-ups are brought to you by Ostrowe, the proprietor of The Glass Case of Emotion.
1. Terry v 16. Eddie O’s Basement
Terry is the epitome of all that is man. A former Rockland Lake employee and current Fitzy’s bartender, his propensity for boozing has made him the subject of legend . . . at least in Moro’s mind. Somewhere around the time of the 2007 Preakness Moro developed an obsession with Terry, declaring him the “social captain of Rockland” and creating an elaborate, Bill Brasky-like backstory that he adds to on a daily basis. For example, did you know that one time Terry beat up a bear for trying to take his tin of dip and then afterwards brought the bear to Fitzy’s for a barpie and a Michie Light? True story. He’s the captain!!!
Eddie O’s basement has housed several gentlemen prior to the various Belmont’s we have attended, in addition to housing his hot mom and Coach O’Shea, it has the unique feature that can only exist in a world without sunlight. Though there is a window, no matter what time of day it is, the window is always black as the darkest night. This caused great confusion for Dmo and Ostrowe during a midsummer visit for a keg party, when they repeatedly went back to sleep, thinking it was still night.
Rick: Terry could light up Eddie O’s Basement
Ostrowe: I think the reason Eddie O’s Basement is dark is that in case Terry ever stays over, he can sleep till 4 without having to deal with the sun
R: Terry is honored that he is a number one seed. I am honored that we honored Terry
O: Rumor has it Eddie O is planning on stuffing the ballot box in favor of his basement, just like Coach O’Shea stuffs Eddie O’s Hot Mom’s box
R: Eddie O wants this one bad, but can he pull it off
8. Marty P v 9. Buddy C
Marty P was the longtime basketball coach at Clarkstown South, and Ostrowe’s Italian teacher for three of four years there. Somewhere along the line Pupino made the claim that he invented the slam-dunk, and his legend grew from there. He would later be given credit for inventing the piano key necktie, and the MP3, which originally stood for “Marty Piccinich 3pointer”. He is the namesake of the Piccinich Effect and the reason everyone refers to each other as “Marty.” When Mar’s mother received a call from him at her job, she had to put the phone down because she couldn’t believe he was a real person.
Buddy C is the retarded brother of a hot chick named Kelly that went to high school with Jim$ and Pupino. Allegedly when Pupino called her house one time, he answered the phone and responded, “Baaahhhh, Kelly’s not home.” As such, he is the godfather of Bah. He was given the nickname “Bud” as a reference to Married With Children, which eventually morphed into Buddy C. Once when Ostrowe and Dmo were boozing at Cornerstone, they began asking the waitress for “Buddy C’s”. When she came back and said “Here’s your Buddy C’s!”, Ostrowe asked her out on the spot. She said yes, but as he was unaccustomed to this, he was unable to follow through. This has nothing to do with anything, yet it never would’ve happened without Buddy C’s involvement.
Commentary:R: Both are namesakes of ours. Both are Pupino creations
O: Both are based off of real people. This might be the toughest match to call in the entire tournament. Unless Buddy C gets the sympathy vote because he’s retarded
R: I used to call Mar’s house in the age before cell phones, and ask for Marty Piccinich and his mom wouldn’t ask any questions
4. Moro v 13. FIT Mom
Moro first crossed paths with the Piccinich Effect in late 2005 when he accompanied Rick and Ostrowe to a high school party, and proceeded to spend the entire time quoting Family Guy and causing his and Ostrowe’s team to lose to high schoolers in beer pong by knocking four cups off the table. His status as a gentleman has grown by leaps and bounds since then. Always ready to help find a lost dog, his endless supply of Terry quotes and other Moro-isms provide hours of entertainment. At the BWW Opening Day, he ordered mild wings and was given wild. He has not stopped talking about this since then. When told he would be in the same bracket as Terry, he responded “What am I gonna do? Do I vote for me or my captain? I’ve gotta stay loyal to Terry!!!” Unfortunately, since moving to Nyack, he rarely ventures out of that section of the county. Nyack’s gain is the Piccinich Effect’s loss.
On Thanksgiving Eve 2004, the Piccinich Effect began the night at Legends, as was the custom at the time. Since it was such a busy night, there was a band playing, and a larger than usual crowd. When Ostrowe and Dmo stood for the playing of the national anthem, it drew the attention of an older, slightly attractive woman who decided to join the Piccinich Effect at their table. After Ostrowe spent several minutes hitting on her, she eventually revealed that she was the guitarist’s wife. Further prodding led to the revelation that she had a son going to school at the Fashion Institute of Technology. When Ostrowe heard this, he began barraging her with gay joke after gay joke until eventually she got fed up and left.
O: I don’t know if moro would be more upset if he lost in the first round or terry lost in the first round
R: I don’t know what’s gayer, the FIT Mom’s kid, or the fact that Moro loves Enya
O: Or Moro’s mancrush on Terry
R: If Terry ran away, would Moro be able to find him?
O: I have to say yet again, if Moro didn’t exist, you couldn’t even invent him, he’s that unbelievable
5. Daryl v 12. Elk 95:
Daryl is the biggest gentleman the Piccinich Effect has ever met. A former colleague of Jim$ and Dmo at DialAmerica, he accompanied them, along with Mar and Terry on a trip to Vegas, where he was subsequently thrown into a Christmas tree. In his spare time he mows lawns for extra cash. And he does it all with Steve Elkington’s putter lodged in his ass. He also invented OMW, and made Rick’s day by coming to BWW, thus enabling him to send an OMW2BWW text. Daryl once tried to draft Peyton Manning in the 14th round.
When Rick, Mar, and Dmo were wee lads, they all got golf lessons from Gerry Oswald at the practice tee. In retrospect, Oswald was a pretty slimy character who would always seem to lose interest in teaching kids how to play golf. He favorite method of teaching was taking said children into his office and showing a tape labeled “Elk 95.” The tape featured Steve Elkington repeatedly swinging a golf club from all different angles in what looked like somebody’s back yard. When the Picciniches were all grown up, Oswald enlisted them into his indentured servitude program, aka the Rockland Lake Junior Golf Camp. To this day, Oswald has still not given Mar and Dmo the last $60 dollars that he owes them. Which at a 5% interest rate has grown to $84.43. Steve Elkington would grow up to lodge his putter in Daryl’s ass.
Post Script: Nicole Sikora once hooked up with Gerry Oswald’s son at D&D’s while he was DJing.
Post Post Script: It also should be noted that Nicole Sikora hooked up with James also.
R: OMG it’s Daryl!
O: I think its quite impressive that he manages to live his daily life with a putter up his ass
R: He drafted the putter in the 14th round
O: I think Daryl is OMW to the second round
R: OMG DB OMW 2 SR
6. Anfron v 11. Walsh’s
Anfron is a fairly normal, upstanding citizen when he is sober. However, when he boozes heavily, he turns into a complete train wreck. He first crossed paths with the Piccinich Effect on the South Padre Island trip, when he was responsible for much drunken mayhem. He solidified his position in the tournament with his performance at the 2007 Preakness, as well as the 2007 Maryland season opener, when he wandered off drunk and was saved from arrest by a high school chum’s passing family. He hopes to one day achieve his lifelong dream of banging an Asian right in her ass
Walsh’s was the greatest bar in the history of Nyack, and the home base of the Piccinich Effect until its untimely demise. Walsh’s played host to many a game of Korean Rummy (until the game was banned by Mr Walsh himself), as well as Ostrowe’s many Napoleon Dynamite dance exhibitions, and Rick and Ostrowe’s memorable game of pool against two chicks. Often the Piccinich Effect would spend hours at a time boozing at Walsh’s, only to have the tab at the end of the night come to a grand total of $12.
O: Anfron is a gentleman. Drunk Anfron is a disaster waiting ot happen
R: Walsh’s was a gentleman
O: Walsh’s was a gentlemanly establishment. I don’t think there could ever be another Walsh’s – it was like Fitzy’s stuck in the middle of Nyack
R: A safe haven of sorts
O: An oasis in the middle of a desert of douchebags
3. Queso Dip v 14. Mar & Subway
During the summer of 2005, Melissa had a party at her house. At this time, Vin was dating Melissa’s friend Megan, and the two of them were joined at the party by a delicious Queso Dip of Vin’s own creation. Since Rick and Ostrowe are assholes, they could not simply let this slide, and spent the rest of the evening making jokes about the Queso Dip, causing Vin to declare he would never make anything again, and eventually alienating themselves from everyone else at the party, as is the Piccinich way.
During a visit to the University of Maryland, the Piccinich Effect stopped at Subway, as was the custom at the time. Mar was completely flustered by this, apparently never having encountered something like Subway before. He first asked the sandwich artist behind the counter if it was possible to substitute meats, and then after he ordered and paid for his sandwich, he walked out of the store without picking it up off the counter.
O: Both involve delicious foodstuffs
R: Vin was unable to make Melissa’s door into a delicious Queso Dip
O: Mar was unable to substitute meats
R: Vin substitutes cheeses
O: here was Queso Dip on the quote sheet
R: I was honored
7. Stanton v 10. Jimmy Han
Ohhhhh a Stanton! Mr Stanton is an elderly gentleman, who was the former golf coach at STAC, and began making his living hustling the Piccinich Effect at Korean Rummy in their younger days. He is such an accomplished player that anytime a seven is drawn as the first card, it is known as a Stanton. He is also known for referring to everyone as “Dickhead“, and botching the numerous names of the Association of Gentlemen.
Jimmy Han invented the wonton, and introduced Korean Rummy to the Piccinich Effect. Once when Rick and Ostrowe were playing stickball in the middle of the Rockland Lake pro shop during a torrential downpour, he walked in shirtless with the register from the Par 3 course. He has also taken up residence on Rey Vivar’s couch and tried to explain to Dmo that Rey Vivar’s father has Alzheimer’s in the most hilarious way possible.
R: OOOO a Stanton
O: I was gonna say that Dickhead.
R: Ostroweeeee slooooww problem
O: Two Rockland Lake stalwarts. Thank You Korea
R: You made me whole. No homo
O: I don’t even remember what we’re talking about anymore
2. Korean Rummy v 15. Jim Nantz
If there were an official sport of the Piccinich Effect, Korean Rummy would be it. A complex game in which sevens are magical, it has been played in numerous bars across Rockland, often to the chorus of “What are you guys, playing Hold ‘Em?” by every passerby. It has also been played at several Triple Crown races, Rockland Lake, and on the moon. Not to mention the epic Korean Rummy In a Cell match.
Jim Nantz is the most handsome sportscaster in the business. His handsomeness was brought to light during a Korean Rummy match-up at Walsh’s, in which Terry yelled at Dmo for not taking his turn, and Dmo responded that he could not, as he was captivated by Jim Nantz’s handsome face on the TV screen. While working at DialAmerica, Dmo was known to keep a picture of Jim Nantz on his desk.
R: Hello friends
O: If Jim Nantz could somehow provide commentary on a Korean Rummy match-up, I could die a happy man
R: Your Korean Rummy in a cell
O: If Jim Nantz was in that cell, it would be quite handsome
R: A Korean Rummy Championship might rank above the Super Bowl on the Nantz scale. I don’t think it reaches masters level though
O: Korean Rummy is a tradition unlike any other
(If the polls aren’t working…go here)
Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Piccinich.