Piccinich Madness – Second Round

The Second Round Begins…..Now.

Testudo Region

1 Mullets Over Miami v. 8 Jeanette

Mullets Over Miami:
MOM is the tournament’s number one overall seed. It is one of the defining moments in the history of the Piccinich Effect, and thanks to Poppers it is a story that is told only in legend. For those unfamiliar with the story, on New Year’s Day 2002, Dmo, Ostrowe and Pupino were relaxing on a beach in Miami when a gorgeous blonde stumbled in front of them and passed out. After much cagoling and an offer of $10 bucks apiece from Dmo and Pupino, Ostrowe approached said blonde, draped his arm across her and blurted out “I’ll be your beach blanket baby.” Seven hours later they were back in the hotel room doing things on film that would only be able to be purchased in the special section of Romantic Depot. Upon returning to Maryland, Dmo and his roommates showed the tape to anyone who would watch it, which was only about ten people, as Poppers managed to somehow erase all but the first 17 minutes of the tape about a week later. If Ostrowe had never been heard from again, this would have been enough to solidify his honorary status in the Piccinich Effect. The legend of Mullets Over Miami lives on to this day.

Jeanette went to college with Mar and went on to work at DialAmerica with Jim$ and Dmo. Somewhere along the line and obsession with her titties developed. Though they are not quite as large as popular conjecture would lead you to believe, they are quite nice. It is also notable that she used to booze at lunch with Dmo, and once dated a Terry look-alike.

Rick: Whose has nicer titties?
Ostrowe: Jeanette’s titties are real, Yvonne’s were fake yet spectacular
R: It stands to be re-mentioned that you PEED on Yvonne’s titties
O: I don’t think that really stands to be re-mentioned
R: I was just making sure that the voters remembered. It’s my civic duty as committee member
O: I thought it was your civic duty to hand $100 bills to mooncrickets
R: I told you it was for tax purposes


4. Joe Rutko v. 5 Pupino

Joe Rutko:
An erstwhile Rockland Lake employee who was around for the birth of the Piccinich Effect. Mere days after Rick, Dmo, Ostrowe and Mar hung out for the first time, they all were playing blackjack at Vin’s kitchen table when Rutko whipped out a little baggie and began snorting it. As the future Piccinich Effect stared on in horror, the following exchange took place:

Mar:(trying to cut the tension):”So, how much did you pay for that?”
Rutko:”What do you think this is coke? Nah, this is heroin”

Since his driver’s license had been revoked, he often bummed rides from Rick. One such ride led to the following statement:

Rutko:”Don’t be alarmed, but I just lost a bag of heroin in your backseat”

He is also noted for almost getting into a fight with Ostrowe after declaring that The Phantom Menace was better than Spider-Man, declaring that if your last name is Hymen you should never name your child an adjective, and stealing the register from the Par 3 course at Rockland Lake after tricking the new kid into leaving it unattended. He has since been spotted clean and sober, and had a child on the way.

The Godfather of the Piccinich Effect, and a catalyst for all around mayhem. He is responsible for at least half of the nicknames of members of the Association of Gentlemen, as well as the birth of Bah, No Rumor, Buddy C, and the resurrection of Marty Piccinich as a cult icon. He can often be found where least expected, and is always willing to drop a “brother” or two.

O: Blockbuster matchup
R: If we weren’t playing in the Game of the Century this weekend, this would be it
O: I think you’ve gotta give the edge to pupino here, based off the fact that half the tournament was spawned from his retardation
R: But the relative impact Joe Rutko had on two years of our life is still very strong. Without him we would have never had the opportunity to see someone snort heroin
O: Yeah, but Pupino is able to keep producing at a high level even after 7 years
R: Joe Rutko had a kid……who’s child will be better off in the long run?
O: Wow . . . the thought of pupino breeding is too scary to even contemplate


3 Dmo’s Roommates v. 11 Mar – Moe

Mar & Moe:
During the first complete assemblage of the Piccinich Effect at Sprinfield College, Mar was introduced to Mo at a party. He then spent the rest of the night not saying a word to her, while Ostrowe stepped up as her beer pong partner. After the Piccinich Effect departed the party, Mar wondered aloud, “Why are we leaving? That girl was eye-raping the shit out of me. I definitely could’ve hooked up with her.” And he was serious.

Dmo’s Roomates:
In all likelyhood, Dmo’s roommates could have all secured their own individual seeds. Combined, they are a force to be reckoned with.
BP: Known for going from a quiet, bookish guy to a complete rambling lunatic in the span of three beers. Once loaded up a paper airplane with a penny and threw it off the eleventh floor balcony, landing it on the hood of the only car in the parking lot who’s owner happened to be standing next to it.
Poppers: Known for being incredibly retarded. Has turned down sex with chicks on multiple occasions for reasons that make sense only to him. Once had his then-g/f inexplicably run out of his dorm room at 2am. Verbally assaulted a group of asians at the preakness who’s only crime was sitting next to us. Erased Mullets Over Miami.
Jurgen: Known for his stupid Boston accent, and his defining quote, “I hook up with ugly chicks because I fear rejection”. Head chef at Nubbinsville tailgates.

O: I was surprised that Mar & Moe even made it out of the first round. I think Dmo’s roommates are too strong of an opponent for them to take down
R: Mar and Moe can compete with Poppers g/f running out of the room at 2:00A, but throw in all the other intangibles and it is tough
O: BP would’ve poured water all over Mar and Moe and then thrown a dime-loaded paper airplane at them
R: Then BP might take Mar and Moe and throw them through the screen
O: Jurgen has a stupid Boston accent


10 Dmo’s Bed v. 2 Jim$

Dmo’s Bed:
Back before Rick had even heard of Springfield College, he dated a young woman from Manhattanville by the name of Lib, who he decided to bring with him on a visit to Maryland. A seemingly quiet girl, she turned quite randy after a few beverages, assaulting Rick as he lay sleeping in Dmo’s bed.

Once merely one of Dmo’s roommates, Jim$ is wealthy enough to purchase his own seed. He is also one gentlemanly son of a bitch, and has quite the way with the ladies. He has had sex on the floor of both the Comcast Center and Cole Field House. In Atlanta he opened up a tab on New Year’s Eve that was used to purchase 20 bottles of champagne. According to Moro, he is the Captain of the Hoboken social scene. When McCain ascends to the Presidency in November, Jim$ already has a spot in the cabinet with his name on it.

O: Rumor has it Jim$ actually bought and paid for Dmo’s bed
R: Jim$’ bed is a pile of $100 bills
O: He sleeps there with many beautiful women
R: Jim$ loves to seduce women with his poetry
O: I think what this comes down to is that Dmo’s bed was an isolated incident for us, whereas stuff like that happens to Jim$ on any given day
R: That or the fact that Jim$ will buy a victory


Triple Crown Region

1 Chevy Chase v. 8 Sunburn

Chevy Chase:
As the number one seed in the Triple Crown Region, Chevy Chase has a lot of power. However, with that power comes great responsibility. While at the Belmont in 2004, Ronald Reagan passed away and they announced it on the jumbotron. The next year at the Preakness we decided it would be fun to spread a rumor that someone died. When it was decided that Gerald Ford was too obvious, Ostrowe suggested Chevy Chase. From there the “joke” took off. Rick “got a phone call from him mom” telling him that Chevy just died and we spent the rest of the day spreading the “news.” Most people took it in stride and suggested their own accounts of how he died. The actual scope of the “rumor” will never be able to be measured but for arguments sake we will say 3.45 Million people thought Chevy Chase was dead by the end of the month. Post Script: Four Years Later when we told the story to Anfron he thought Chevy Chase was really dead.

This match up of Preakness related discomforts both revolve around Ostrowe. The best part about the sunburn is that Ostrowe had brought sunscreen to protect himself. The sunscreen came in glue stick form; however, at the end of the day it was obvious that he missed a few spots. Mar has also fallen victim.

O: Maybe Chevy Chase died from sun poisoning
R: Chevy is the logo for this entire tournament, but your sunburn may scar you for life
O: May?
R: Has
O: The sunburn may have been too localized to move on, the Chevy Chase rumor spread all throughout Pimlico…and beyond
R: Chevy is like the undead. The sun may be too strong for him. You never know with Piccinich Madness
O: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. Whatever can’t, will also go wrong


4 Lemon Relay v. 12 Ostrowe Pee

Lemon Relay:
Another product of the 2003 Belmont, the Lemon Relay was a spontaneous result of too much rain, and of course Pupino. The lemon relay consisted of taking a Lemon and putting it in your mouth, jogging in place for thirty seconds, then passing the lemon peel on to the next participant. The relay went on for about 2 minutes before we got winded. Of course none of us had ever been winded yet, so maybe it wasn’t stopped on account of windedness. No Homo.

Ostrowe Pee:
Belmont 2003 might go down as the greatest Triple Crown race of all time. Somehow five years have passed since this historic day. It poured all day, no joke, downpour from 7AM to 6PM. By the afternoon we were all drenched, but it was a good time had by all. When the race was about to start none of us wanted to leave our position due to the fact it would take forever to get back. Of course Ostrowe had to take a piss, but he was able to rationalize that since he was already soaking wet, and it was going to be raining for a few more hours, he could just pee his pants and it would make no difference. So he did.

R: The battle of the 2003 Belmont
O: The 2003 Belmont was easily the greatest of all Triple Crown races we attended. I still have no recollection of the lemon relay taking place. You had to explain it to me the next day
R: That is not a rumor. It was a controlled train wreck, which was spectacular to watch and no one got hurt
O As far as events go, I think the lemon relay was more significant, although me deciding to urinate in my already soaked pants definitely set the tone for the day
R: On a sheer hilarity level I think it is a pick-em. Even Jimmy the Greek would have trouble picking this one.
O: He wouldn’t even make a pick; he would just say something about Rickys


11 Eddie O’s Dad’s Chair v. 3 Hundred $ Kid

Eddie O’s Dad’s Chair:
In a drunken stupor Eddie O’s Dad’s Chair said something uncalled for to Ostrowe and paid the ultimate price. That’ll learn him.

Hundred $ Kid:
Sigh. When you go to Preakness, the locals allow you to park on their lawns for a price. Every year we park in the same place. Well every year except 2007. That year Rick randomly decided to park in a new place. When the fine young gentlemen working the yard asked for $20, Rick asked if they had change of $100. The fine young gentleman affirmed that he did and once Rick handed the bill over the fine young gentleman ran away screaming “I GOT $100, I GOT $100.” The entire incident happened in slo-mo, yet no one was able to do anything about it. Easily the most surreal moment of all Preaknesses.

R: Tough draw for the Chair. I think he would have had a chance against anyone else
O: We know who Jimmy the Greek would pick in this one
R: The chair did a good job of selling the stunner
O: He would probably say that the $100 kid was able to run away because his ancestors ran away from lions in the plains of Africa…or something like that. I think what helps Coach O’Shea’s chair out is that we have actual video of it, whereas we only have the re-enactment of the $100 kid
R: It took Eddie O 2 weeks to recover from the trauma


10 Cheesy Moustache Guy v. 2 Sandy Chang

Cheesy Moustache Guy:
For as long as we can remember, we have always been fascinated with cheesy moustaches. More than likely this was created by Pupino. At the very first Preakness we tried to take pictures with as many cheesy mustaches as possible. Everyone was very cooperative, except this one douche. He refused to take a picture with us, and when we when took one anyway, he snatched the camera out of Dmo’s hands and stomped it on the ground. Even though we couldn’t take any more pictures for the rest of the day, the picture still survived.

Sandy Chang:
At our first Preakness, we made the rookie mistake of not spending the extra money to get into the infield. Now as wily veterans, we have learned the errors of our ways. However, that doesn’t mean that our first Preakness was without memorable moments. Sandy Chang resides at the top of this list. As was the tradition back then, Ostrowe always traveled with a plethora of beads. Sandy Chang (that was her real name by the way) wanted some beads, but as is the law, she needed to earn them. She led Ostrowe up to the top of the grandstand earned her beads. Upon returning Ostrowe regaled us with stories of her Oreo Cookie Nipples. Afterwards she left her cell phone in our possession and we used it to call all her friends. Had Anfron been with us on that day, he surely would have banged her right in the ass.

R: The battle of the 2003 Preakness
O: I wonder if cheesy mustache guy would’ve been as upset if we asked him to pose with Sandy Chang’s Oreo Cookie nipples
R: Cheese is not compatible with Oreos
O: He might get crumbs in his mustache
R: He’d probably like to give Sandy Chang a moustache ride
O: God forbid she tried to take a picture of it
R: Anfron would grow a moustache to give sandy a ride
O: He’d bang her right in her ass


Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Piccinich.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Piccinich.

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