Only 16 teams remain. The best, and the brightest. Most of them are street fighters who will need to use their killer instinct to make sure this mortal kombat isn’t their final fight. Their primal rage will be coursing through their veins….Tekken
1 Chevy Chase v. 4 Lemon Relay
As the number one seed in the Triple Crown Region, Chevy Chase has a lot of power. However, with that power comes great responsibility. While at the Belmont in 2004, Ronald Reagan passed away and they announced it on the jumbotron. The next year at the Preakness we decided it would be fun to spread a rumor that someone died. When it was decided that Gerald Ford was too obvious, Ostrowe suggested Chevy Chase. From there the “joke” took off. Rick “got a phone call from him mom” telling him that Chevy just died and we spent the rest of the day spreading the “news.” Most people took it in stride and suggested their own accounts of how he died. The actual scope of the “rumor” will never be able to be measured but for arguments sake we will say 3.45 Million people thought Chevy Chase was dead by the end of the month. Post Script: Four Years Later when we told the story to Anfron he thought Chevy Chase was really dead.
Another product of the 2003 Belmont, the Lemon Relay was a spontaneous result of too much rain, and of course Pupino. The lemon relay consisted of taking a Lemon and putting it in your mouth, jogging in place for thirty seconds, then passing the lemon peel on to the next participant. The relay went on for about 2 minutes before we got winded. Of course none of us had ever been winded yet, so maybe it wasn’t stopped on account of windedness. No Homo.
O: I think the lemon relay might cause Chevy’s untimely demise
R: If Chevy Chase was alive there is no doubt in my mind that he would participate in the lemon relay
R: I don’t know, he might consider himself above such things. After all, he’s Chevy Chase and you’re not
R: Well he would certainly come on a Vegas vacation with us. And Jim$ would bang Beverly D’Angelo
O: She looks awful now. I bet you didn’t know Jim$ last name is actually Poppagiorgio
O: Although Jim$ could actually afford to go back in time and bang Beverly D’angelo when she was still hot
R: A VHS player can get you back in time to when she showed her boobies in the first vacation movie
O: Is this all going to be in the commentary?
R: Why not?
3 Hundred $ Kid v. 10 Cheesy Moustache Guy
Hundred $ Kid:
Sigh. When you go to Preakness, the locals allow you to park on their lawns for a price. Every year we park in the same place. Well every year except 2007. That year Rick randomly decided to park in a new place. When the fine young gentlemen working the yard asked for $20, Rick asked if they had change of $100. The fine young gentleman affirmed that he did and once Rick handed the bill over the fine young gentleman ran away screaming “I GOT $100, I GOT $100.” The entire incident happened in slo-mo, yet no one was able to do anything about it. Easily the most surreal moment of all Preaknesses.
Cheesy Moustache Guy:
For as long as we can remember, we have always been fascinated with cheesy moustaches. More than likely this was created by Pupino. At the very first Preakness we tried to take pictures with as many cheesy mustaches as possible. Everyone was very cooperative, except this one douche. He refused to take a picture with us, and when we when took one anyway, he snatched the camera out of Dmo’s hands and stomped it on the ground. Even though we couldn’t take any more pictures for the rest of the day, the picture still survived.
O: The battle of Preakness assholes
R: The cheesy moustache shenanigans were cheeky and fun
O: The Hundred $ Kid has the advantage in that he got away with the money, while we did get the camera back from Cheesy Mustache Guy. CMG has gone on a Davidson-like run in this tournament
R: The Cheesy Moustache Guy was then demoted when he returned to his home planet of Assholian
O: Maybe the reason he was so pissed was because he was the Hundred $ Kid’s first victim
Dart Board Region
1 Fitzys v. 5 Vin
At one point in our existence, everyone dreaded going to Fitzy’s. It is the stereotypical shit hole bar. And though no one can exactly recall when Fitzy’s turned the proverbial corner of being and becoming, it is now our stereotypical shit hole bar. What may make Fitzy’s so appealing is that it is the Anti-Nyack. We all hate Nyack, and dread going there, but a trip to Fitzy’s first makes Nyack almost bearable (except for Rick since he doesn’t take Nyack Anestesia (Read: Beer). It is impossible to recount all of memorable Fitzy’s moments, but let’s try. Rick and Terry Pokerfest which lasted from 1AM until 10AM. That night was made even crazier with a Joe Rutko sighting and the sight of Rick’s neighbor walking in at 8AM to booze. The Cancerous Dart Board. The night Joe grabbed Rick’s ass. The night Margret Parodie gave Dmo a big hug and kiss. The night Rick actually made out with a good looking chick in Fitzys. The Best of Seven, Best of Seven World Series of Piccinich Darts. The night Mar banged Abby in the bathroom. The home of the Megatouch and the most used jukebox in the county. And not to mention it’s the preferred bar of Joey O, Evelyn, Francis, Chuck WH, Terry!, Patrick, and countless others.
Over the course of the Piccinich Effect no one life has changed as much as Vin. During the early years, he was known for throwing ridiculously huge parties at his house at least three times a year when his parents were foolish enough to leave him home alone. He also would come to work at the golf course on Saturday and Sunday morning with fantastic stories about his womanizing. He was a drunk and the equivalent of a male slut. In addition, Vin (for the record WE DO NOT condone this) had a tendency to drink and drive. One time he passed out at a red light and rolled backwards into some-one’s garden. He then proceeded to get out of his car, and sleep in the homeowner’s car. In the morning he woke up just as Rachel’s Dad walked outside. Yes, it was Rachel’s house before they even knew each other. He makes a delicious Queso Dip. He “doesn’t want to wind up 25 and alone.” He is a really good liar and an all-around gentleman. Vin recently moved to Florida to be a golf pro but then turned into a elementary school teacher. At a strip club one day he met a Romanian girl whose visa was about to expire. In order to keep her in the country, he proposed to her. He flew to Romania to meet her parents, and buy to a wedding ring for $100, and the two were married last month in a ceremony presided over by Roger Staubach. And these last sentences only make up about 1% of the Vin stories that exist in our circle.
O: Oh my
R: Epic matchup
O: I don’t even know who to pick in this match up
R: Vin is the one who introduced Fitzys into our lexicon
O: They are both godfathers of several other tournament entries, but Vin might have the advantage there because he actually is a Godfather of Lou Paride’s kid
R: Lou Paride’s kid might be a Fitzy’s regular by age 13
O: If Vin has anything to say about it I’m sure he will be
R: It must be restated: Vin is a gentleman
O: I was wondering if we were going to make it this whole commentary without that being said
R: Of course we couldn’t
O: We’re too gentlemanly to let such a thing happen
R: Everything I learned about being a gentleman I learned from you
O: Everything I learned about being a gentleman I learned from Vin. PS i just found the bill for the Best Western in Edgewood
R: Is that near SEEEEE-caucus?
O: It’s the one we stayed at for Preakness. I have no idea why I even still have this
R: That is random
3 Chili’s Challenge v 2 Birth of Mar
When you go to your local neighborhood Chili’s, you will notice that the table is made up of about 50 tiles. Ostrowe had the idea to drink one beer per tile. On July 26. 2003 Ostrowe and Dmo participated in the original Chili’s Challenge and were aiming for 25, 10 oz beers each. Terry and Rick joined in as witnesses, and Mar was our waiter. The end of that night was a blur for Ostrowe, but he had this conversation with Mar to remember it by.
Birth of Mar:
Around out first Belmont trip in 2002 was when the Marty Piccinich idolization was beginning. By the time Rick was a freshman in college later that year Marty Piccinich was out in full force. In October of 2002, a Marty P reunion was scheduled in College Park, Maryland. Of course the Piccinich Effect reared its ugly head and that was the weekend of the Sniper Attacks in the DC area & Columbus Day weekend. The normal 4-hour drive to MD took almost 10. When we got there, Dmo’s party was already in full force, Rick retired to Dmo’s Bed and Mar started drinking. This was your typical College party where cups were sold and you had to re-use your cup. When Mar got his cup he wrote Marty on it so that people would know it was his. Later in the night, in a drunken stupor he lost his cup so he had to get another one. He began to write Marty on the cup again but passed out halfway through. The next morning, we found him with the cup still in his hand and only “Mar” written on the cup. Hence, a legend was born.
O: Mar worked at Chili’s and wasn’t able to help the Chili’s Challenge along to completion
R: This is the challenge’s chance at redemption
O: These are two of the oldest participants in Piccinich Madness
R: And both were heavily influenced by alcohol
O: I think Evelyn could complete the Chili’s Challenge herself
R: Well it wouldn’t be fair since everywhere Evelyn goes, Mar goes
O: Did you know Evelyn’s son is in a metal band?
R: And so it continues
1 Mullets Over Miami v. 5 Pupino
Mullets Over Miami:
MOM is the tournament’s number one overall seed. It is one of the defining moments in the history of the Piccinich Effect, and thanks to Poppers it is a story that is told only in legend. For those unfamiliar with the story, on New Year’s Day 2002, Dmo, Ostrowe and Pupino were relaxing on a beach in Miami when a gorgeous blonde stumbled in front of them and passed out. After much cagoling and an offer of $10 bucks apiece from Dmo and Pupino, Ostrowe approached said blonde, draped his arm across her and blurted out “I’ll be your beach blanket baby.” Seven hours later they were back in the hotel room doing things on film that would only be able to be purchased in the special section of Romantic Depot. Upon returning to Maryland, Dmo and his roommates showed the tape to anyone who would watch it, which was only about ten people, as Poppers managed to somehow erase all but the first 17 minutes of the tape about a week later. If Ostrowe had never been heard from again, this would have been enough to solidify his honorary status in the Piccinich Effect. The legend of Mullets Over Miami lives on to this day.
The Godfather of the Piccinich Effect, and a catalyst for all around mayhem. He is responsible for at least half of the nicknames of members of the Association of Gentlemen, as well as the birth of Bah, No Rumor, Buddy C, and the resurrection of Marty Piccinich as a cult icon. He can often be found where least expected, and is always willing to drop a “brother” or two.
O: Another blockbuster matchup
R: Mullets seems to be a crowd favorite
O: It is the number one overall seed for a reason. Mullets never would’ve happened without Pupino. He provided the mullet
R: I think it will win here only because if you have never seen/heard Pupino, you can’t properly grasp how retarded he is
O: And his reluctance to approach Yvonne led me to step up in his place. Whoever loses this matchup has nothing to be ashamed of…unless it’s Pupino, whose whole life is something to be ashamed of
3 Dmo’s Roomates v. 2 Jim$
In all likelyhood, Dmo’s roommates could have all secured their own individual seeds. Combined, they are a force to be reckoned with.
BP: Known for going from a quiet, bookish guy to a complete rambling lunatic in the span of three beers. Once loaded up a paper airplane with a penny and threw it off the eleventh floor balcony, landing it on the hood of the only car in the parking lot who’s owner happened to be standing next to it.
Poppers: Known for being incredibly retarded. Has turned down sex with chicks on multiple occasions for reasons that make sense only to him. Once had his then-g/f inexplicably run out of his dorm room at 2am. Verbally assaulted a group of asians at the preakness who’s only crime was sitting next to us. Erased Mullets Over Miami.
Jurgen: Known for his stupid Boston accent, and his defining quote, “I hook up with ugly chicks because I fear rejection”. Head chef at Nubbinsville tailgates.
Once merely one of Dmo’s roommates, Jim$ is wealthy enough to purchase his own seed. He is also one gentlemanly son of a bitch, and has quite the way with the ladies. He has had sex on the floor of both the Comcast Center and Cole Field House. In Atlanta he opened up a tab on New Year’s Eve that was used to purchase 20 bottles of champagne. According to Moro, he is the Captain of the Hoboken social scene. When McCain ascends to the Presidency in November, Jim$ already has a spot in the cabinet with his name on it.
R: This is like a NWO match-up
O: I was going to compare it to Van Halen vs David Lee Roth.
R: The North vs. the South in the Civil War? Except with more titties
O: Jim$ makes more money than the other three of them combined. Is it enough to buy a victory though?
R: Jim$ could care less if loses. He’ll just buy out the winner. Does Jim$ have a virgil?
O: He has a whole fleet of them
R: Like the winged monkey army in The Wizard of Oz?
O: Nice analogy. I still think the combination of Poppers, Jurgen and BP is too much for Jim$ to overcome
R: If this was the WWE, the match would end with the four of them hugging it out and reuniting to form a super team
O: And then Dmo coming out and managing them all to championship glory
1 Terry v. 5 Daryl
Terry is the epitome of all that is man. A former Rockland Lake employee and current Fitzy’s bartender, his propensity for boozing has made him the subject of legend . . . at least in Moro’s mind. Somewhere around the time of the 2007 Preakness Moro developed an obsession with Terry, declaring him the “social captain of Rockland” and creating an elaborate, Bill Brasky-like backstory that he adds to on a daily basis. For example, did you know that one time Terry beat up a bear for trying to take his tin of dip and then afterwards brought the bear to Fitzy’s for a barpie and a Michie Light? True story. He’s the captain!!!
The biggest gentleman the Piccinich Effect has ever met. A former colleague of Jim$ and Dmo at DialAmerica, he accompanied them, along with Mar and Terry on a trip to Vegas, where he was subsequently thrown into a Christmas tree. In his spare time he mows lawns for extra cash. And he does it all with Steve Elkington’s putter lodged in his ass. He also invented OMW, and made Rick’s day by coming to BWW, thus enabling him to send an OMW2BWW text. Daryl once tried to draft Peyton Manning in the 14th round.
R: I think before we do the commentary we need to make sure Moro didn’t kill himself
O: Or Daryl. Terry and Daryl’s history dates back to the Vegas trip. So there is some familiarity with the opposition there
R: Another standard WWE buddy match-up
O: At least we know whom Moro’s voting for in this one
R: That is true, if the Christmas tree population knew how to use the internet, Daryl would run away with this one
O: Not to mention the putter delegation
14 Mar – Subway v. 2 Korean Rummy
Mar – Subway:
During a visit to the University of Maryland, the Piccinich Effect stopped at Subway, as was the custom at the time. Mar was completely flustered by this, apparently never having encountered something like Subway before. He first asked the sandwich artist behind the counter if it was possible to substitute meats, and then after he ordered and paid for his sandwich, he walked out of the store without picking it up off the counter.
If there were an official sport of the Piccinich Effect, Korean Rummy would be it. A complex game in which sevens are magical, it has been played in numerous bars across Rockland, often to the chorus of “What are you guys, playing Hold ‘Em?” by every passerby. It has also been played at several Triple Crown races, Rockland Lake, and on the moon. Not to mention the epic Korean Rummy In a Cell match.
R: I am shocked Anfron let this one get away from him
O: That tends to happen when you vote against yourself…3 times
R: He got punk’d
O: You can never underestimate Mar’s retardation though, it tends to sneak up out of nowhere
R: Mar’s retardation has cost him a bevy of Korean Rummy title reigns
O: This is true
R: But anything can happen in Piccinich Madness
O: Mar often gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar
R: He likes to live lavishly
O: I guess forgetting to get rid of your sevens is the Korean Rummy equivalent of forgetting your sandwich on the counter
R: Sevens and subway sandwiches are both magical
O: And delicious…maybe not the sevens so much
Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Piccinich.