We have reached the Elite 8 of Piccinich Madness. It has been a long arduous road thus far, but for the most part it has been greeted with nothing but rave reviews. Three number one seeds were eliminated in the last round, proving once again the highly combustible nature of the 64 team bracket. Now I understand there may be some concerns about the sanctity of the tournament, but since no one has admitted to shady behavior we shall resort to using the Ostrich Solution, bury our heads, because if we don’t see it, it isn’t happening. Under these conditions, we will be assuming that a vast majority of voters in North Carolina only had the desire to vote for three of the 8 match-ups.
Let’s see who can punch their ticket to the Final Four. Onto the Regional Finals!
Triple Crown Region
4 Lemon Relay vs. 3 Hundred $ Kid
Another product of the 2003 Belmont, the Lemon Relay was a spontaneous result of too much rain, and of course Pupino. The lemon relay consisted of taking a Lemon and putting it in your mouth, jogging in place for thirty seconds, then passing the lemon peel on to the next participant. The relay went on for about 2 minutes before we got winded. Of course none of us had ever been winded yet, so maybe it wasn’t stopped on account of windedness. No Homo.
Hundred $ Kid:
Sigh. When you go to Preakness, the locals allow you to park on their lawns for a price. Every year we park in the same place. Well every year except 2007. That year Rick randomly decided to park in a new place. When the fine young gentlemen working the yard asked for $20, Rick asked if they had change of $100. The fine young gentleman affirmed that he did and once Rick handed the bill over the fine young gentleman ran away screaming “I GOT $100, I GOT $100.” The entire incident happened in slo-mo, yet no one was able to do anything about it. Easily the most surreal moment of all Preaknesses.
O: Our thoughts are with you Chevy
R: I think Chevy Chase had a heart attack at a lemon party
O: I think the Hundred $ Kid sold him some bad crack.
R: We can rebuild him, we can make him better
O: PS what’s a lemon party?
R: The worst thing ever. If you’re curious go to lemonparty.org. Not at work tho…Daryl (Ed Note: They made a Lemon Party joke 30 Rock, and rather than seeing this with my own two eyes, I used Urban Dictionary to enlighten myself)
O: I think it once again comes down to, lemon relay = cheeky and fun, Hundred $ Kid = cruel and tragic
R: Hundred $ Kid is comedy gold though
O: True, and its a lot fresher in people’s minds. This is Piccinich classic vs. the new generation
R: Spike getting pregnant vs. Manny getting pregnant
O: Sega genesis vs. Xbox 360
R: Coke vs. New Coke
O: George HW Bush vs. George W Bush
R: No Bush vs. Bush…ladies
O: Jeanette’s titties vs Abby’s titties . . . wait
Dart Board Region
1 Fitzy’s vs. 2 Birth of Mar
At one point in our existence, everyone dreaded going to Fitzy’s. It is the stereotypical shit hole bar. And though no one can exactly recall when Fitzy’s turned the proverbial corner of being and becoming, it is now our stereotypical shit hole bar. What may make Fitzy’s so appealing is that it is the Anti-Nyack. We all hate Nyack, and dread going there, but a trip to Fitzy’s first makes Nyack almost bearable (except for Rick since he doesn’t take Nyack Anestesia (Read: Beer). It is impossible to recount all of memorable Fitzy’s moments, but let’s try. Rick and Terry Pokerfest which lasted from 1AM until 10AM. That night was made even crazier with a Joe Rutko sighting and the sight of Rick’s neighbor walking in at 8AM to booze. The Cancerous Dart Board. The night Joe grabbed Rick’s ass. The night Margaret Parodie gave Dmo a big hug and kiss. The night Rick actually made out with a good looking chick in Fitzys. The Best of Seven, Best of Seven World Series of Piccinich Darts. The night Mar banged Abby in the bathroom. The home of the Megatouch and the most used jukebox in the county. And not to mention it’s the preferred bar of Joey O, Evelyn, Francis, Chuck WH, Terry!, Patrick, and countless others.
Birth of Mar:
Around out first Belmont trip in 2002 was when the Marty Piccinich idolization was beginning. By the time Rick was a freshman in college later that year Marty Piccinich was out in full force. In October of 2002, a Marty P reunion was scheduled in College Park, Maryland. Of course the Piccinich Effect reared its ugly head and that was the weekend of the Sniper Attacks in the DC area & Columbus Day weekend. The normal 4-hour drive to MD took almost 10. When we got there, Dmo’s party was already in full force, Rick retired to Dmo’s Bed and Mar started drinking. This was your typical College party where cups were sold and you had to re-use your cup. When Mar got his cup he wrote Marty on it so that people would know it was his. Later in the night, in a drunken stupor he lost his cup so he had to get another one. He began to write Marty on the cup again but passed out halfway through. The next morning, we found him with the cup still in his hand and only “Mar” written on the cup. Hence, a legend was born.
R: This is the only 1 vs. 2 match-up in the Elite 8
O: I don’t know how you choose in this one. Both very strong seeds.
R: But like the greatest movie ever made, Highlander, there can be only one
O: There were like 4 Highlander movies. But there’s only one Mar
R: And only one Fitzy’s
O: And only one Fitzy’s
R: Well said
O: Well said. Titties
R: There are rarely titties at Fitzys
O: There were a ton of titties in Dmo’s apartment during the birth of Mar
R: I was asleep for the majority of the time.
O: BP and I got into a fight with a bunch of them while Mar was passed out on the couch
R: The dart board did have cancer, which could lead to some sympathy votes
O: Mar is retarded, that could lead to some sympathy votes as well
R: Francis might still be passed out on the bar at Fitzy’s from last night
O: Francis is a gentleman
R: Francis’ mullet is also a gentleman
O: It’s the most gentlemanly mullet north of Miami
R: Which is a segway to…
5 Pupino vs. 3 Dmo’s Roommates
The Godfather of the Piccinich Effect, and a catalyst for all around mayhem. He is responsible for at least half of the nicknames of members of the Association of Gentlemen, as well as the birth of Bah, No Rumor, Buddy C, and the resurrection of Marty Piccinich as a cult icon. He can often be found where least expected, and is always willing to drop a “brother” or two.
In all likelyhood, Dmo’s roommates could have all secured their own individual seeds. Combined, they are a force to be reckoned with.
BP: Known for going from a quiet, bookish guy to a complete rambling lunatic in the span of three beers. Once loaded up a paper airplane with a penny and threw it off the eleventh floor balcony, landing it on the hood of the only car in the parking lot who’s owner happened to be standing next to it.
Poppers: Known for being incredibly retarded. Has turned down sex with chicks on multiple occasions for reasons that make sense only to him. Once had his then-g/f inexplicably run out of his dorm room at 2am. Verbally assaulted a group of asians at the preakness who’s only crime was sitting next to us. Erased Mullets Over Miami.
Jurgen: Known for his stupid Boston accent, and his defining quote, “I hook up with ugly chicks because I fear rejection”. Head chef at Nubbinsville tailgates.
O: A shame mullets had to fall victim to voting shenanigans
R: Some people would say both these seeds had tainted victories, but that is the way of the Piccinich
O: I think Dmo’s roommates would’ve won sans taint. Hopefully now that Jim$ is out of the tournament we don’t have to hear him bitch about it anymore
R: What is a better word, Taint or gooch
O: I prefer grundle
R: Jim$ is a gentleman, but he is also a son of a bitch
O: That’s no rumor
R: Pupino is only a son of a bitch
O: Is he even too much for the combined forces of Dmo’s roommates to handle?
R: He achieved the impossible by defeating the mullet, so at this point anything is possible. If Pupino wins this whole thing, the tournament may just be a modern version of Frankenstein. Being that Pupino rises up at the end to destroy all his monsters
O: Is that what happens in Frankenstein?
R: I think so, the only part I remember vividly is the titties in the movie
O: If it was like Frankenstein than the tournament would end with Pupino being caught in a burning lighthouse while the villagers throw torches at him. Are you thinking of Frankenstein or Frankenhooker?
R: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein totally had a titty in it
O: Ok, I was thinking of the original from like 1933
R: I remember watching it on Cinemax and seeing the “Brief Nudity” tab in the beginning. As a fourth grader that’s enough to give you half a pack of Rolaids
O: Bram Stoker’s Dracula had titties too. When I was in fourth grade a chick with a tight shirt on would’ve given me a pack of Rolaids….Is this the least relevant commentary we’ve done yet?
R: By far. Pupino just needs to JACK-EM!
O: Way to get it back on track. Now that the Caps lost, this is pretty much all Dmo’s roommates have going for them
R: Poppers still has his dog to love him…and pee on him
O: And Jurgen can still hook up with ugly chicks
R: And BP can still…….
12 Daryl vs. 2 Korean Rummy
The biggest gentleman the Piccinich Effect has ever met. A former colleague of Jim$ and Dmo at DialAmerica, he accompanied them, along with Mar and Terry on a trip to Vegas, where he was subsequently thrown into a Christmas tree. In his spare time he mows lawns for extra cash. And he does it all with Steve Elkington’s putter lodged in his ass. He also invented OMW, and made Rick’s day by coming to BWW, thus enabling him to send an OMW2BWW text. Daryl once tried to draft Peyton Manning in the 14th round.
If there were an official sport of the Piccinich Effect, Korean Rummy would be it. A complex game in which sevens are magical, it has been played in numerous bars across Rockland, often to the chorus of “What are you guys, playing Hold ‘Em?” by every passerby. It has also been played at several Triple Crown races, Rockland Lake, and on the moon. Not to mention the epic Korean Rummy In a Cell match.
O: Daryl was the benefactor of some shady voting tactics to get this far
R: Daryl might have the most impressive run of any of the remaining participants: Elk95, Moro, Terry
O: He is a giant killer. Korean Rummy has had a pretty easy go of it up until the last round. Does the quality of opposition come into play in this match-up?
R: Could Daryl be OMW to the Final Four Sorry Melissa OHW
O: OHW just sounds retarded, like a dyslexic kid trying to spell “WHO.” Besides, Melissa’s not even going to read this
R: Rumor Not Is That. For the record I don’t think Daryl cheated at all, we called it before, the Christmas trees and the putters came out in full force to support him
O: Has Daryl ever played Korean Rummy? I think all of Asia is going to need to turn out for this one to stop Daryl’s run. Verrrrrrry important match
R: The mo-mentum is on the side of the Baker. No wonder the Mo didn’t want to bang Mar
O: I’m winded
R: Maybe you shouldn’t have banged Abby while doing the Piccinich Madness Commentary
O: If I was banging Abby I wouldn’t have even been able to see the screen due to her massive T’s. Besides, Jim$ doesn’t like to share
R: It’s a wonder how Jim$ gets through a day without being able to see
O: He pays people to see for him
Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Piccinich.