May 19, 2007
5:07 PM ET Rick Proclaims he is officially retiring from Preakness
As such, there will be no Preakness Running Diary this year. Sorry to disappoint. The 2007 Preakness was simply epic, and we are getting to old for this.
Oh who am I kidding? Do you think any of us are smart enough to stay away from the epic disaster that is staged on the third Saturday in May, in a humble little area of Greater Baltimore? Well actually, Anfron and Moro were smart enough to stay away, but that didn’t stop the retardation from flowing. Attending this year was Dmo, Ostrowe, Jurgen, Dunn, Rick, Jim$, and Brock (the MVP from 2007).
2:00 – Ostrowe calls Rick to find out when to expect to be picked up. Rick plans to be there around 5:20 for a 5:25 departure. Together with Melissa the three of them will drive down to Baltimore, where Melissa will be spending the weekend with her college friends, and from there Rick and Ostrowe will go to Bethesda to stay at Jenn’s house. Jim$ and Dmo went down to Bethesda on Thursday night since they only work when they please.
3:30 – Rick leaves work and after a “Who’s on First” phone call with Melissa, they rendezvous on the platform at Grand Central.
5:35 – Rick and Melissa pull into Ostrowe’s driveway, but they both need to pee before hitting the road. While in Ostrowe’s bathroom, Rick notices a book that has both “Cum” and “Niger” written on the cover. His juvenile side takes over and he starts laughing. His pee then clogs the toilet. Ostrowe informs him that his toilet is poorly constructed.
5:45 – Before heading out, Ostrowe shows Melissa pictures of Dmo’s North Carolina apartment that he still has on his camera. Melissa decides she wants to see what else is on the camera, and despite multiple warnings from Ostrowe, she continues to look at all the pictures.
5:46 – Melissa: Whoa! Eww. [Throws camera back to Ostrowe]
5:51 – Officially depart for Maryland, only 26 minutes behind schedule. As we start planning out our stops, we are most looking forward to the Freshens stop at the Chesapeake House:
Rick: They have a new smoothie there, The Acai Energy Booster. It’s fucking Amenergy!
[Fit of laughter ensues]
5:53 – [Fit of laughter ends]
5:55 – Plan hatched to fill up Joyce’s inbox with text messages upon his return from Albania
6:00 – There are two equations that one can use to determine the amount of titties at Preakness:
The Inverse Precipitation: 20% chance of rain = 80% chance of titties
The Direct Temperature: 75 Degree weather = 75% chance of titties
Using both formulas, things are looking good for tomorrow
6:02 – Melissa: Is Preakness really that bad?
Rick & Ostrowe: Yes.
Rick uses this moment to inform Melissa that Dmo is a gentleman, and the only reason that he doesn’t want her to go to Preakness is because “as a large chested woman, she would be constantly heckled and bothered by the drunk guys in the infield.” She agrees that she would not like that.
6:11 – First hint of traffic is encountered in Bergan County. Over/Under on arrival time set at 11:00
6:13 – Melissa has indigestion
Rick: It’s probably from that picture you saw
6:15 – Over/Under on Melissa passing out set at 7:30
6:16 – Melissa calls the Picciniches “text flirts”
6:20 – Melissa curls up into the fetal position
6:24 – Melissa is out. The under wins. Pays -145
6:30 – Did you know Rutgers is the birthplace of College Football??
6:51 – Ostrowe’s ring tone, Welcome to Jamrock, prompts a WTF is that from Rick
6:54 – Rick stops to get gas. Melissa stops to get food. Ostrowe stops to pretend the urinal is Yvonne.
6:59 – Ostrowe returns to the car holding a slice of Boston Pizza. He explains that it is Melissa’s and that she should be ashamed of being from NY and getting Boston Pizza
7:01 – Ostrowe debates whether or not he should take a bite of Melissa’s pizza.
Rick: At least she wouldn’t be more upset then when she saw that picture
7:05 – Rick explains that he can’t eat anything unless he likes the way it looks. (ed. note: Feel free to completely twist this statement out of proportion)
7:07 – Since Ostrowe brings Vodka Cranberry every year on this trip, Rick has re-dubbed it Preakness Juice. When discussing the potency and recipe:
Melissa – The vodka sinks to the bottom, it’s denser
Rick -You’re denser
7:08 – Melissa’s Boston Pizza Analysis: “The crust is good. The pizza was OK”
7:10 – (ed. note: There is no easy way to make this funny for everyone, but at the time I could not stop laughing) Ostrowe tells a story of when he ordered a HOBO Sandwich, but instead was given a BOBO Sandwich. This leads to the inevitable Moro-esque (Think BWW Opening Day):
BOBO?!?!?! I ORDERED A HOBO!!!!
7:13 – Melissa produces a cookie from the back seat. Ostrowe proceeds to share it with Rick and a litany of No Homo jokes are made.
7:52 – It stands to be noted, that the notebook being used for the Running Diary was a gift to Rick from Mrs. Mohr. The Mother of Gentlemen
7:57 – Melissa enjoys dining at the Cheesecake Factory. She eats Evelyn’s Favorite Pasta and drinks everything out of the abbacoozie
8:07 – Rick and Ostrowe disagree over which pen to use for the running diary. Melissa declares that Ostrowe is a gentleman. She forgets to point out that Rick was voted the #1 Gentleman
8:11 – Melissa falls asleep again. Then claims: “I’m not sleeping, I’m just resting”
8:16 – A debate over the pronunciation of guacamole prompts Melissa to kick Ostrowe.
8:17 – Rick: I had a Grilled Chicken BLT Wrap the other day, hold the T
Ostrowe: I’d like to hold some Ts right now
8:25 – A morbid conversation leads to Rick creating Melissa’s tombstone:
Melissa S 1984-20??
She often wore pants under her pants
8:29 – Ostrowe had another Eddie Carpezzi sighting at the Liquor Store. Eddie Carpezzi is 10x wealthier than we think Jim$ is
8:51 – The traveling party makes their second stop of the trip at the infamous Dick Stockton Service Area. Home to the Blimpe and Oven Roasted Chicken on Chedder Bread Incidents. Rick and Ostrowe get Pizza Hut and as they are walking out they notice that Jim McGreevy is still listed as the Govenor on the wall. He is a gentleman.
9:15 – Melissa is on the phone with Doug and Ostrowe is trying to have a conversation with Faux Spice, meanwhile, Rick feels out of the loop and picks up his phone and pretends to be talking to someone. After that gets boring, he proceeds to distract Ostrowe as much as possible. He succeeds.
9:22 – Rick: I had Stride Gum the other day. I was very impressed by the package
Ostrowe: I hear you’re often impressed with packages
(Ed. Note: I walked right into that one, but in all honesty I like packages…I mean)
9:28 – Right now Jim$ is eating slices of turkey off of Jenn’s ass and afterwards he will fuck Jenn through a hole in the turkey
9:30 – Melissa questions our gentlemanliness
Rick: Would it be more gentlemanly if I said they had sex through a hole in the turkey?
Rick: How about if they made love through a hole in the turkey?
Melissa: Jenn is a real person!
Rick: And Evelyn and Abby aren’t?
Melissa: I forgot…Now I’m thinking about Evelyn’s Nipple Rings
Ostrowe: WTF Melissa, we just ate!
9:35 – Rick: Would you actually bang someone in the ass?
Ostrowe: You mean again?
9:55 – Melissa is “resting” as Rick attempts to call Tara. He gets his come uppance when Ostrowe starts “singing” Stay by Lisa Loeb to him.
10:04 – Ostrowe claims Radios in Heaven is the gayest song he has ever heard. Even gayer than Christmas Shoes. Both of which are on Rick’s iPod.
10:10 – Finally arrive in Delaware, the worst state on the trip. As is the case everytime we go to Delaware, someone has to not finish a thought. This year it is Rick’s turn:
Rick: If we are not out of Delaware by 10:25….
Ostrowe: You can think about how you want to finish that one for the next four years
10:15 – Not to long ago, Rick and Ostrowe vowed never to stop in Delaware ever again. Worst. Rest. Stop. Ever. However, this year we were in need of a nice pick me up and the Delaware rest stop does have a Freshens. As such, they made an unadvised stop and ran inside only to find that Freshens was the only autonimous unit for mid highway snacking that was closed.
10:16 – “Fuck Delaware” – Dan Ostrowe
10:29 – Out of Delaware. Thank Tom Cruise
10:42 – Rick, still disapointed over the Delaware debacle, decides to stop at the Chesapeake House. This Freshens is closed as well further sending Rick into a downward spiral.
11:19 – Melissa wakes up from her “rest” and Rick and Ostrowe still find it hilarious to speak the lyrics to Stay by Lisa Loab. When they proceed to only speak in the lyrics, Melissa gets angry
Melissa: What the fuck are you guys saying. I haven’t said fuck the entire trip, and now you guys are just trying to make me angry.
(Ed. Note: Ostrowe is a gentleman)
11:30 – Drop off Melissa in Baltimore, and if you haven’t noticed, the over is winning handily. Pays -160
11:34 – Drive through bad part of Baltimore….wait…there is no good part of Baltimore
11:36 – We are going to come in contact with two chicks Poppers hooked up with this weekend
11:42 – And you say, I only hear what I want to
11:56 – Jim$ calls and expresses shock that we are not there yet.
12:06 – Drive by a castle near the highway, later Jim$ notifies us that it is a temple to his very existence that he funded with the money he found between his couch cushions
12:20 – Rick drops off Ostrowe at the bar, but doesn’t stay because he is winded
12:25 – Rick goes to sleep in his car outside of Jenn’s house.
12:34 – And I thought what I thought was simple, and I thought that I don’t belong
1:04 – Ostrowe gets text from friend saying “have a blast at Preakness”, Jenn sees this and asks “Is that Baby Mama?”
1:30 – Ostrowe and Jim$ wake up Rick and everyone heads inside. Jim$ smells like turkey…
1:31 – Rick passes out on the couch. Ostrowe tells some chick he will play board games with her, but he passes out. Dmo is a gentleman, but doesn’t like sleeping on the Transformer Sea World Couch
6:30 – Dmo wakes up and makes his specialty. A toasted bagel with nothing on it. He makes one for Rick, but then eats half of it when Rick is too slow.
6:50 – Rick gets out of the shower and is informed that Jim$ is not going to Preakness. He walks into the bedroom to find out if this is really true. He sees Jim$ sleeping on a mattress made of $100 bills and asks if he can get a direct quote from Jim$ for the running diary. Jim$ casually moves two slimmies away from his face and says: “Bah I’m Winded”
6:55 – Dmo gets Jenn’s car keys so he can get the beer out of her car and put it into Rick’s car, he comes back a few seconds later saying that Jenn’s car, but more importantly, the beer is not here. Jenn left her car downtown last night since she was a little hammered.
7:15 – Rick and Jenn return from their excursion downtown to get the beer. There is some random guy now sleeping where Ostrowe was sleeping and using Ostrowe’s WWF pillow.
7:20 – Jim$ walks out of his room wearing a shirt that says “I’m a gentleman” and he proclaims that he is coming to Preakness
7:25 – Jim$ says that he is going to drive himself to Preakness since he won’t have a ride back to Bethesda. Dmo assures him that Mr. Poppers is giving Jurgen a ride home and Jim$ can hitch a ride as well. After much debate, Jim$ reluctantly gets into the car.
7:26 – Jim$ would like the record to show that this has disaster written all over it.
7:27 – Jim$ would also like the record to show that his ticket cost less than everyone else’s. But that is because he bought it at one of the gas stations he owns
7:29 – Dmo’s computer is in the trunk of Rick’s car. He is worried it will not be there at the end of the day
7:31 – Jim$ can turn on the charm at anytime. No Homo
7:37 – Ostrowe asks the guy at the deli to make a sandwich for him. Jim$ is rubbing off on him
7:43 – And now that I am leaving, now I know that I did something wrong ’cause I missed you. 7:57 – Ostrowe and Dmo enjoy free donuts from Giant (by eating them before they got to the cash register) and now we are officially on our way to Pimlico
8:15 – Dmo claims that Jim$ is sleeping, Jim$ gives him a death stare
8:18 – The Piccinich Specialty. Grilled Flatulence. No doubt courtesy of Dmo
8:24 – Dmo calls Brock to tell him that we are running late because the guy who made our sandwiches was dark and retarded
8:50 – New York > Every Other City
8:55 – In looking for the Hundred $ Kid’s house, Rick drives right by it. When he goes to make a U-Turn on a side street, we notice No Parking signs with a caveat that reads: “Except on Preakness day.” Wait what?? We have been coming here for six years and now we find free street parking?! Wow.
8:59 – We politely decline help carrying our stuff. This could potentially hurt us in the long run.
9:10 – We make it to our usual spot even though this year there is a ton of caution tape blocking areas off. We totally disregard the boundaries, but a small group of guys and girls tell us they don’t mind if we share their space.
9:12 – Yeah, Yeah I missed you
9:15 – Brock Singleton has returned to Preakness. Everyone cracks the ceremonial first beer. Rick cracks the ceremonial first sip of water.
9:30 – 2 Girls 1 Cup Reaction video featuring Brock and the infamous pictures on Ostrowe’s camera
– The pee fence is lined with pee boxes this morning. Brock wants to take them and make a clubhouse…of peeboxes
– Ostrowe farts on Brock
– If you have gray hair, you should not be in the Preakness infield. Yea we are talking to you Dumbledore9:53
– Poppers and Jurgen have the pleasure of seeing the pictures on Ostrowe’s camera9:55
– Brock four goals for the 2008 Preakness:
1) Do not get ejected
2) Bring his cooler home
3) Do not physically abuse his friends
4) Drink heavily
5) See titties10:04
– Ostrowe and Jim$ venture out to get a Black Eyed Schwoogie10:07
– We are introduced to a new drinking game: Ass Slap. Later Dmo explains it to Poppers10:10
– Dmo calls his company to let them know his computer has most assuredly been stolen. he tells Rick he should plan on not having a car when the race is over. You get what you paid for.10:11
– We have our first creepy bead guy of the day
– Not us falls through a styrofoam cooler
– Shamu came to Preakness this year10:25
– I don’t listen hard, don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running to anyone, anywhere
– The Happy Everyday epidemic breaks out. Any Asian who comes within 200 feet of us gets regaled with “Happy Everyday” and “May the god bless you for ever”10:39
– Brock beers a 21 year old kid. Always looking out for the future.10:42
– Ostrowe breaks out the Preakness Juice for the first time. Brock has not seen any titties break out yet and he is getting angry10:53
– Brock gracefully steals ice from someone else’s cooler11:20
– By this point J the librarian has become a buddy of ours. As odd as it is to see a Librarian boozing in the infield, she is actually a librarian at some Law Firm in NYC, she is probably way to smart to be talking to us.11:22
– After Ostrowe pesters J for a while about her profession, she finally breaks down: “God, Librarians are people too!!”11:25
– J: What are you drinking
Ostrowe: Vodka Cranberry
Ostrowe: Because It’ll get you drunk!
J: No, I think it is because you have a vagina.
[Turns to Rick]
J: Hey you, why are you taking notes
Rick: Because I have a vagina?11:38
– Ahhhhh Preakness never changes. The army guys and gals show up and the USA chant starts12:30
– Brock stands on the coolers and rubs people on the head as they pass by. Though he looks like a rapist people look up at him afterwards and laugh. Afterwards Rick tries to do the same thing and people walk away saying that he is a dirty creep.12:40
– J randomly kicks Brock in the balls. He sells it like a KCW Champion1:00
– Ostrowe: Want a piece of chicken
Brock: She is a vegan
Brock: (To J) Just go with it
Ostrowe: So you don’t eat meat?
Brock: No, but she loves the bone12:45
– Another Preakness tradition, Ric Flair chops.12:51
– I don’t understand if you really care,1:00
– Some random girl named Tess shows up at our camp and just sits down. She tells us that we are much cooler than the people she came with. (Ed. Note: I don’t know how that is possible) Ostrowe tries to teach her how to give a proper Flair chop:
Ostrowe: You have to get angry
Ostrowe: Your brother just called you a slut and he said you sleep with Jim$ every night.
Tess: Who is Jim$ ?
Tess: But he is a gentleman!1:20
– Guest appearance by Brock Singleton, courtesy of his MySpace page. This story happened sometime around here:
“I nearly forgot to mention this. When I posted earlier that I broke Ostrowe’s watch at Preakness 2007, it turns out I was mistaken. Ostrowe broke his own watch while give me Ric Flair chops. So, 365 days of regret and misery should be flushed away. I was not the destroyer I thought I was. Ostrowe is. And, after this year’s Preakness, his mean and hurtful ways became evident. So now it will be time to repay him. Oh yes. Vengeance shall be mine.”1:31
– Brock is drunk off his ass, but he decides to try to show off his signature card trick. Surprisingly he does a pretty good job.1:40
– Tess leaves, but not before she gives Ostrowe her phone number1:42
– Ostrowe slaps J’s ass with the program1:50
– Rick squirts sunscreen on Brock’s back. Brock then goes to take a piss. Five minutes later Brock is talking to a chick who asks:
Chick: What is on your back?
Brock: Ostrowe gave me a chop and it left a big red mark
Chick: No you have some goop on you
Brock: Goop? Get if off!
[Walks back to our group]
Brock: I got goop all over me!2:00
– All hell breaks loose three hours earlier than normal. Rick watches as a can flies across the infield and strikes some kid right in the head. He drops like a ton of brick and is out cold for five minutes.2:06
– J tells us that as soon as she goes on someone’s shoulders her top is coming off. We tell Brock to get on that, but he refuses since he won’t be able to see the titties2:15
– Rick goes for another goop trick, but it fails2:20
– After another round of hell, Ostrowe and Jurgen proclaim it to be their last Preakness. Where have we heard this before?2:30
– Brock: I will never vote for Obama because he is a black guy asking for change. McCain should change his slogan to: “What? Are you going to vote for a word?”2:35
– J washes her dirty leg with beer2:41
– I’m only hearing negative, no no no no2:49
– The Piccinich Effect predicts that J will hook up with Ostrowe2:53
– Brock: Hey I know you!
Random Guy: Oh yea?
Brock: Yea, you are that douche bag with the Dave Mathews Band T-Shirt!
RG: Fuck You3:03
– Ostrowe, ever the gentleman, starts putting ice down J’s crack. It also stands to be noted that he would like to kick J’s F in the V. (Ed. Note: I just write it as I hear it)3:15
– Chick in the pink wins the contest for the drunkest chick at Preakness3:30
– J starts throwing beers into crowds of people herself, guess who is encouraging her. Jim$. Shocker3:32
– Every Man has a ____: (to Jim$) You are not a gentleman, you are a liar
J: I am a lady3:38
– Rick lets some random people sit on Ostrowe’s cooler for a bit3:48
– Rick starts making up stories about how he got the cut on his leg
Dude: Yo man what happened to your leg
Rick: I was going to the bathroom and a shredded beer can came out of the sky and cut me good
Rick: I was walking in the infield and got trampled in a rush
Rick: Your mom
Dude: Man that is going to hurt in the morning3:50
– Ostrowe takes exception to the people sitting on his cooler4:00
– Some random chick is talking about how she has two kids at home. She looks like she is 24. Her kids are 2 months and 15 months old. If you do the math, she got pregnant four months after giving birth. That can’t be healthy4:05
– Brock offers a $20 bounty to kick J’s F in the V4:09
– Someone throws a megaphone and hits a kid in the head4:12
– Ahhh as per tradition, Ostrowe’s sunglasses break4:17
– Ostrowe sees yet another Asian and runs up to her:
Ostrowe: Happy Everyday
Asian: You said that to me already4:25
– So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up, and this woman was singing my song4:35
– Lover’s in love, and the other’s run away, lover is crying ’cause the other won’t stay.4:45
– And I thought I’d live forever, but now I’m not so sure. You try to tell me that I’m clever, but that won’t take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.4:55
– You said that I was naive, and I thought that I was strong5:00
– Beer can stomping escalates into general douchebaggery5:02
– J & Co. Leave. Ostrowe tries to lean in for the kiss, but fails5:03
– Brock asks Rick to borrow the diary. Rick doesn’t trust him and Brock gets defensive. Rick gives him a piece of paper and a pen, but nothing more5:30
– Brock wrestles some college punk in a best of seven match.5:35
– Is is official, Brock was that guy in the middle of the circle two years in a row. Last year he had wimpy emo kids fawning over him, this year it is the college douchebags5:42
– A dejected Brock mopes about being 15 years too old5:50
– Ostrowe begins texting Tess: “Come back Tess!”
Tess: “Whooo is this”
Ostrowe: “Marty. Come back! May the god bless you forever”
Tess: “May you be blessed as well…I love you”
Ostrowe: “And I love you. But I feel the need to see other people”
Tess: “Good for you”6:07
– Brock starts talking with the young college punks. Odds comments start coming out in mass:
“I love your heavy hands”
“When I am 35 I hope I can wrestle half as good as you”6:10
– Dmo: You gotta meet this guy, he knows Jim Nantz!
Ostrowe: OMG Really!?
Kid: [Puzzled] No.6:15
-Big Brown takes the Big Title. Jim$ takes the Big Titties6:25
– While walking back to the car, Ostrowe tries to breaking into other cars using the “Well Rick’s car is not here, so I might as well try to find a new car” defense.6:30
– Rick’s Car (and Dmo’s laptop) are both still here in one piece!6:43
– Dmo while talking to Melissa on the phone: “Wazzup?!” Will this replace “bah bah bah bah bah bah bah, how was your day?” Time will tell.6:50
– Ostrowe double phones with Brock and Mar. No Homo7:03
– Tara is wealthy7:10
– Rick proclaims that he has gone three years without peeing at Pimlico7:14
– Arrive at Waffle House
(Ed. Note: The next few entries were made by a disillusioned Ostrowe. Him and Dmo were drunk enough to completely blow the Waffle House situation out of proportion)7:17
– We still have not been served. Fuck Waffle House7:20
– Leave Waffle House. Rick flips out
(Ed. Note: Ostrowe and Dmo were besides themselves to the point they no longer were craving Waffle House.)7:21
– For the record Dmo is currently on the clock. This is the stuff he gets paid to do7:24
– Rick is glad this is our last Preakness7:28
– You try to give away a keeper, or keep me ’cause you know you’re just scared to lose.7:33
– (Ed. Note: Exact quote) Exit 89 lied to us. Donde Waffle House7:35
– Make it to the other waffle house. Eat a wonderful redneck meal7:42
– Dmo has already forgotten what he ordered, and he can’t put the menu back. He decides to just throw it on the floor7:48
– Brock Calls:
Dmo: Ask him if his losing streak is over
Brock: Next time I see you I am going to shoot you in the face with a Syphilis gun8:07
– Dmo calls his parents and declares that Big Brown is a gentlehorse8:10
– Ostrowe: There is an OshKosh at the Perryville Outlets
Dmo: OshKosh I’m fucking winded8:20
– Stop off at the Chesapeake house in hopes that we can finally get our smoothie. We run inside and Rick cuts the entire line (of two people). He orders the amenergy smoothie, but of course they are out of it. How expected.8:30
– And you say. Stay.
That is the last entry in the diary. The rest of the ride is a blur as Ostrowe and Dmo took extended rests and somehow Rick managed to stay awake. Even though we were missing a few members of the cast, there is no single event like the Preakness. I’d be shocked if we managed to stay away next year. Next for Big Brown is the Belmont and a chance at history. The Triple Crown is ever elusive, but since I won’t be there, he will probably win it. May the God bless you for ever.