You may be asking yourself, a prelude to what? I’ll tell you what. A prelude to the final Gentlemanly Preakness, one that will feature (hopefully) Drunk Anfron, Drunk Joyce, and Drunk Daryl. Pimlico may not be able to handle. I am getting to giddy just thinking about. Not to mention the possibility of renting a retard van to get down there. But I digress.
June 26 2008 was the date of the Booze Cruise which has become somewhat of a tradition for the CoG. (For the record it was also the day before Wall-E was released in theaters, but that is neither to nor fro) After work, a gentlemotley crew descended on the Big Apple for a night of debauchery. This is their tale.
5:42 – The Running Diary gets kicked off with a mass text sent by Rick: OMW2BTC
6:10 – Rick arrives at the circle line pier on 42nd street to find Jim$ standing there with Kevin who is exuding an aura of wealth on par with Jim$ himself. Safe to say he will be the only person on the cruise in a tuxedo. (Ed. Note: May or may not have been a tux, but just go with it. The imagery is way better)
6:20 – Rick is too lazy to venture across the street to a dignified establishment for dinner, he settles for a street water dog. He immediately regrets the decision. After 10 minutes of whining, he finally takes a bite of the dog only to throw it away in one swift movement.
6:30 – For the last 40 minutes, Joyce has been getting texts from someone claiming to be Abby. She tells him that he should come over to play with her massive titties, he then nearly drives off the George Washington Bridge. He calls the number back and the good news is that it is actually a chick on the other end.
6:32 – Ostrowe is scoping the scene for chicks he wants to hook up with. His number one choice is Blue Sun Dress. He proclaims that if anyone gets drunk enough to hook up with his number one thousand choice, they definitely got their moneys worth.
6:33 – Ed. Note: Just for the record, by hook-up I am referring to making out. I am still in high school on this matter since for most Young Upwardly Mobile Urban Professionals, Hookup = Sex.
6:34 – Ed. Note: Just for the record Part II. 99% of people our age are douchebags.
6:35 – Rick: If my life was an RPG, that hot dog would have made me more hungry
Ostrowe: That’s the type of talk that is going to have us surrounded by chicks. We’ll be fighting them off with a stick by the end of the night.
6:44 – Board the boat. Let the drinking commence. Scoring system:
Can of Beer: 1 Point
Bottle of Beer: 1.25 Points
Mojito: 1.5 Points
6:53 – After 9 minutes of drinking, Jim$ is already breaking out the financial speak. Rick walks away just to make sure he doesn’t learn something.
6:54 – Everyone sends Mar a “How’s Evelyn” Text Message
Running Diary Flashback:
Last year Mar was running late for the Booze Cruise and wound up sprinting for 10 minutes to make it on time. He was drenched when he got there.
6:55 – This is the boat that Jim$ takes to his larger boat.
7:03 – Jim$ steals the running diary to make the following declaration (He must not be feeling well since usually he just tells the running diary what to write): “Rick is a gentleman” “Rick promises Jim$ an NBC shirt”
7:13 – Ostrowe revels that he can’t be on a boat sober. Lucky for him Jim$ and Kevin found enough change in their pockets to fund this fine cruise.
7:14 – “I think it is time to text Mar”
7:20 – Once again rules are set in terms of talking to girls. In order for it to count as a conversation, there must be at least three exchanges. Over/Under on this happening is 8:00
7:22 – Joyce is on pace to fall over the edge of the boat. No one wants to have to tell Mr. and Mrs. Joyce what happened at the risk of never having the Prime Rib again. Joyce is forbidden to leave the middle of the boat.
7:24 – Dmo sets over/under on Drunk Joyce at 7:30. Everyone thinks that is too soon.
7:26 – Out of nowhere Joyce just starts screaming “That man is a gentleman.” After the two of them scare off all the girls in the area, Joyce officially pulls a Poppers and is the first pick up a guy. He introduces himself to his new boyfriend as Joyce, and a bunch of random strangers start laughing at him. Joyce can’t figure out what is so funny, but Ostrowe gentlemanly walks over and explains that his last name is Joyce. Somehow, Joyce parlays this into a conversation with the only chicks that are still nearby, they work for Fox News. As expected they steal Joyce’s sugar stick (not as dirty as it sounds) before they head to the part of the boat furthest from us.
7:27 – Jesus Christ, was that actually one entry?
7:33 – Sars: This boat is swaying more than John McCain’s view on off-shore drilling
Jim$ takes offense. Cue political debate
7:40 – Joyce is a gentleman and offers to take a picture for some random people on the boat. Instead of “Cheese” he makes them say “Happy Everyday”
7:45 – Text Mar. Jim$ and Sars still going at it.
7:50 – Ostrowe uses cheesy pick-up line on random girl, when she turns around, Joyce screams, “Hey you dated my cousin!” Turns out she went to the same school as his cousin. For the second time in as many occurrences, Ostrowe leeches on nicely to Joyce’s conversation with females.
7:54 – Ostrowe and Joyce pose with some random girls. One of the girls is taller than Ostrowe but as the picture is taken she bends at the knees to create the illusion that she is shorter than him. It works. Girl Secret Discovered.
7:55 – Daryl returns with beers for everyone except Joyce
Daryl: You weren’t here when I left
Joyce: (Screaming…again) You are a Ricky! You are a Ricky!
(Spit flies everywhere)
8:00 – Jim$ and Sars still going at it. Jim$ may not agree with everything Sars is saying, but he will defend to the death his right to say it. That is, of course, if Sars would actually admit that there is a chance he could be wrong. (Ed. Note: I’d tell you what exactly they were arguing about, but once the conversation drifts into the political forum, I drift in the opposite direction)
Joyce: (Screa…do I even have to type it) You are a fascist!
It doesn’t sound like fascist, more like a pile of sticks. Boat goes silent.
8:10 – Joyce is officially drunk. He is already stumbling about and the cruise is only 1/3 done. If he is drunk after an hour on the booze cruise, what happens next year when we are drinking for eight hours at Pimlico?
8:13 – Joyce: Are you Happy Everyday
Joyce: WHY NOT YOU ARE WEARING SANDALS!
Rick: (Notices she is wearing a necklace that says Lisa) (To Joyce) Tell her Lisa is a nice name
Joyce: Lisa is a beautiful name
Friend: Oh my God, how did you know her name was Lisa?
8:15 – Random goth girl asks us if she can take a picture of us. Always a gentleman, Rick informs her that her nipple is hanging out of her dress
8:16 – Sars and Jim$ still going after 33 minutes. Joyce walks over, calmly, and grabs Sars‘ titties. Getting to second base with guys was not on the docket.
8:17 – The boat is now approaching the recently installed East River Waterfall Art Exhibits. After reading about this for weeks, Rick is very excited to see them so he parks himself in an opening on the rail of the boat. Almost immediately some girl walks over and tells him that he took her spot. He tries to explain that there is enough room for her to stand there as well. She takes exception with his camera and the running diary. Joyce casually walks over and has a civil conversation with the crazy girl.
8:18 – Rick backs away to avoid incident and is greeted by by more dirty looks. Most people seem wary of the tall kid with a backpack and a camera who is taking notes and not drinking
8:27 – Joyce: (To an Asian girl) Happy Everyday
Joyce: Do you like taking pictures because they are pretty, or because you are Asian?
AG: Sorry, who said that? I can’t see anything because my eyes are too slanted.
This time Jim$ bails out Joyce and introduces himself to the girl who is immediately taken aback by his immeasurable wealth. She says her name is Steph then Jim$ introduces Rick to her as Bob Costas‘ Assistant. Rick goes with it.
8:34 – Joyce picks up the slack for Anfron who is in Turkey and starts talking to a couple of smurfettes. On another part of the boat, Sars begins to talk to Steph. For once there is a Windfall (get it?) of talking to chicks in this running diary. Are we becoming less socially awkward?
8:44 – A request for a gentlemanly picture totally cock-blocks Sars. Well talking to chicks was good while it lasted.
8:46 – Blue Sun Dress aka Ostrowe’s Dream Girl aka Side Boob walks up to Rick and asks him what he is doing. She thinks the running diary is a funny idea and is jealous that she doesn’t have someone to stay sober and drive her home
8:50 – Jim$ takes his gentlemanly trademark picture of side-boob. Instead of taking the wide angle group shot, he just zooms in on Blue Sun Dress Boobs. Blue Sun Dress = Heather
8:51 – Joyce walks over and gets to third base on Jim$, then somehow turns this into a conversation with Heather. Ostrowe effectively resumes his leeching duties.
8:52 – Rick calls out Heather for wearing a super revealing blue sun dress. She eventually admits that girls wear stuff like that to attract guys attention. (Ed. Note: I knew this, I just wanted to hear this from the horses mouth) She goes on to say that girls are not looking for guys who only care about money and talking about their big penis. They want funny gentlemen. Girl Secrets 2 & 3
9:00 – Joyce is wildly gesturing at somebody. Rick turns in time to see the smurfettes mouth, “That kid is waving at you” then as Joyce walks over to them, “Oh my god, shut up, here he comes.”
9:02 – Rick walks over to Joyce and tells him to come take a picture with us. Tells the smurfs to thank him later
9:05 – Joyce screams Happy Everyday in some woman’s face. She then grabs his package
9:09 – Jim$ shotguns a beer
9:12 – Joyce winds up in the middle of a dancing circle. He does a back flip while holding on to the roof then repeatedly throws himself onto the floor…violently. Ricky loves it.
9:19 – Dmo slaps Heather right in the ass. Joyce puts Mojito masher in his mouth. Ricky does not like.
9:21 – Jim$ takes another gentlemanly picture, but this time he is caught. Girl takes Jim$ camera and deletes the picture. First time feeble Jim$ is ever seen in public
9:24 – Sars lives Anfron’s dream. Is whisked away to the private area of the boat by Steph the Asian
9:27 – Don’t Stop Believing starts playing. Gentleman instantly go retarded. Group Shotgun leads to disaster. Daryl pours multiple beers on his shirt. After shotgun Joyce nearly stumbles off the edge. Sars and Ostrowe are in different areas macking it to chicks we haven’t seen all night.
9:28 – Ostrowe: (Boring Conversation)
Girl: (Boring Conversation)
Friend of Girl: You know she has a boyfriend right
Ostrowe (Walks Away)
9:30 – Ostrowe is a level 6 government employee, one step above a janitor. Jim$ is a level 29 government employee.
9:38 – Joyce does more pull-ups
9:41 – Tell me what you thought about when you were young, and so alone. The worst is over, you can have the best of me. We got older, but we’re still young. We’ll never grow out of this feeling that won’t give up.
It stands to be noted that Rick ruined the text medley that was sent to JMac because he was busy with the Running Diary and not listening to instructions from Ostrowe
9:45 – A gentlemanly dance party with Heather
9:50 – Ostrowe: Did you get a picture of that?
Rick: Of what?
Ostrowe: I just fucking hooked up with Heather
Rick: What? No way. I don’t believe you
Ostrowe: Did anyone just see that?
Ostrowe: What the fuck?!
Daryl: I saw it
Rick: You. Are. Drunk.
9:55 – Jim$ starts a “Wind.fall. After. Party.” Chant. Everyone joins in, except Rick. As he writes this entry in the running diary, Jim$ steals the paper and threatens it with watery harm. In order to appease his majesty and to save the life of the diary, Rick agrees to go to the Windfall.
10:00 – Get off the boat. We all run into Heather again on the pier. Ostrowe the vampire hooks up with her. This time there is photographic evidence.
10:01 – Joyce slaps a black guy on the ass as hard as he can. He turns around with vengeance in his eyes, then sees Joyce: “Oh my God, it’s Joyce! I Love Joyce!” He walks away smiling while all the gentlemen are besides themselves.
10:02 – Joyce slaps a 300lb chick on the ass as hard as he can. She is about to eat him, but Ostrowe gets between them. We immediately take Joyce to the car.
10:05 – Ostrowe is once again going at it with Heather. This time he manages to get her phone number. His typing skill are a little off, however, and Heather becomes “Gdatgdp” in his phone.
10:07 – While walking to the car we hear: “Haryle! Wait!” We turn and TWO Asians are running towards him. They grab him and tell him that he is coming with them in their limo.
10:08 – Unfortunately Sars declines, but he does get their phone number
10:13 – We finally get in the car. Ostrowe calls up Gdatgdp. (Paraphrasing)
O: Gdatgdp you are beautiful
O: You were the best looking girl on the boat
O: No, I’m not a pimp. I am retarded
O: My Name? It’s Marty
O: Yes it is. Why would I lie
O: If i was lying, I would come up with a much cooler name, like Daquan
O: No, don’t call me Daquan, that is not my name.
O: Ok, come to the Windfall. That is where we are going
O: Can you guys believe I fucking hooked up with Gdatgdp?!
10:18 – Sars gives Joyce StephAsian’s number
J: Hey Steph, it’s Joyce. Where are you now?
J: Are you going to get some Kimchi?
J: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not THAT racist.
10:25 – As we get on the GWB, Ostrowe finally realized that we are not going to the Windfall
10:27 – Joyce leaves Steph a voicemail
“Hey Steph, it’s your boy Joyce. I’m down with the sub-continent. Call me if you want some Fi–yahhhhh“
10:55 – Drop Joyce off at home. Ostrowe discovers that he has a beer in his pocket. He takes a sip but then throws it into Joyce’s neighbor’s yard.
11:05 – Riding a wave of euphoria, Ostrowe takes his second wind to Fitzy’s. While there he somehow gains possesion of Francis’ cell phone and proceeds to text every girl “Come to Fitzy’s” Francis’ is pissed and wants to kill Ostrowe. People texted included, clients, his ex-wife, and his mom.
12:38 – After the Windfall After Party, Daryl gets kicked out of the Hustler Club for tripping up the stairs and being declared too drunk. Never one to give up a chance to see some titties, Jim$ gives Daryl his keys so Daryl can get some sleep in Hoboken
4:07A – Jim$ arrives home to find Daryl sleeping on his stoop. When he asks him why he didn’t use the keys to get inside, Daryl responds: “I couldn’t figure out how to get them to work”
Best. Booze. Cruise. Ever?
Final Tally (Unscientific):
Ostrowe – 16
Joyce – 15
Jim$ – 15
Daryl – 13
Dmo – 12
Sars – 5