Friday night while taking the air conditioner out of the window in my parents room, I was attacked by a bird who flew into the house. The resulting snafu was documented and I post the video here for your enjoyment.
Feel free to make fun of me as much as you want
Friday night while taking the air conditioner out of the window in my parents room, I was attacked by a bird who flew into the house. The resulting snafu was documented and I post the video here for your enjoyment.
All Summer long I have been going to the AST Dew Tour for work. We made stops in Baltimore, Cleveland, Portland (which I missed due to the Olympics), SLC, & Orlando. For those who care, I helped coordinate the International Feed of the event. While the show aired on NBC, it was simultaneously airing on Eurosport and Fox Sports Australia. I helped ensure that they had everthing they needed; Sat. Coordinates, VOD Bonus Material, etc.
That boring stuff being said, here is a brief photo essay of the final stop of the 2008 tour:
SNL is built for election years. And this year they are proving it. And as an added bonus, all their other sketches are pretty funny as well. Two weeks ago Andy Samberg did this sketch about Mark Wahlberg. It was pretty fantastic.
Afterwards if you were to ask the real Marky Mark how pleased he was with the sketch, his answer would be none. None to pleased. However, instead of just bitching about it, someone got smart, and realized how big of a hit SNL is of late and capitalized on the situation and this great sketch was made.
I am no longer embarrassed by my Funky Bunch Album. I’m still not going to see Max Payne though.
Well, the time has come for everyone to mock my top 25 songs. Enjoy!
25. Pieces – Sum 41 (50) NEW
This is a stereotypical emo song with a good, but sad hook. Perfect for bad romance, but just as good for happy romance because you can say “hahahaha look at you sad emo kid, you are so sad and I am not. That is so funny”
One Line That Instantly Made Me A Fan Of The Song: I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it
24. Ladies and Gentlemen – Saliva (50) NEW
The theme of the 2007 Dew Tour and Team Winded episode 9. This is a great song to amp you up. If you are ever driving and this song comes on, your speed is guaranteed to go up by 15%
OLTIMMAFOTS: Can’t really point to a single line here, it is more how they are delivered that is the catch.
23. Love You ‘Til the End – The Pogues (50) NEW
Here is your first chance to make fun of me. And you will get a lot of fuel, so I will gloss over the details rather quickly:
ThissongwasinPSILoveYouwhichactuallywasn’tabadchickflickthatIsawwith Tara.HilarySwankisstillreallyuglythoughandthemoviewouldhavebeenalot betteriftheyhadanattractiveleadfemalecharacterespeciallybecausethereis
22. Giving Up On Love – The Ataris (50) NEW
See Pieces. Another fantastic break-up song. And anything The Ataris do is awesome. Random side note: Joe Rutko used to tell me I looked like the lead singer. Random Side Note 2: I am awarding Joe Rutko with the award for the person we used to associate with that was the least like us. How the hell did we ever get sucked into that trap…
OLTIMMAFOTS: You fall in love, then break your heart, then fall in love again, it’s never ending
21. I Won’t Spend Another Night Alone – The Ataris (50) Previously #13
The polar opposite of the previous Ataris song. That is what’s great about emo bands. They are bi-polar and have a song to fit all your moods
OLTIMMAFOTS: The things you make me wanna do. I’d rob a quik-e-mart for you. I’d go to the pound and let all the cats go free. Just as long as you’d be with me.
20. Makedamnsure – Taking Back Sunday (50) Previously #25
OLTIMMAFOTS: You are everything I want, because you are everything I’m not
19. Amazed – Lonestar (51) Previously #24
OLTIMMAFOTS: Don’t know how you do what you do. I’m so in love with you. It just keeps getting better.
18. I Miss You – Incubus (51) Previously #23
OLTIMMAFOTS: To see you when I wake up. Is a gift I didn’t think could be real.
17. When I’m With You – Faber Drive (51) Previously #23
OLTIMMAFOTS: When I’m with you, I’ll make every second count, ’cause I miss you, whenever you’re not around
16. Song for a Mix Tape – The Ataris (51) NEW
Like John Cusack in High Fidelity would tell you, making a mix tape is an art form. TO be honest, I’m not very good at it, but I make a ton. But recording a song for a mix tape, is like making a movie where you receive an Oscar for making this movie…I think
OLTIMMAFOTS: Falling for you was the easy thing to do, If only somehow I could make you hang around
15. Jersey – Mayday Parade (52) NEW
Mayday Parade is awesome. I’m not even going to say anything else.
OLTIMMAFOTS: I’ll be fine I swear, I’m just gone beyond repair
14. If All Else Fails – Matchbook Romance (52) Previously #6
OLTIMMAFOTS: If all else fails, you can look up at the sky because it’s the same one that shines above you and I. And if all else fails you can close your eyes and I’ll be right besides you
13. Overrated – Jak Paris (53) Previously #7
OLTIMMAFOTS: Used to be so hesitant, now I am the president of the geek squad that kicked you ass to the curb
12. Definitely Maybe – FM Static (53) Previously #10
OLTIMMAFOTS: I met a girl named Tara
11. Boston – Augustana (54) NEW
Some one must have told the lead singer of Augustana that Boston is nice in the summer. He was misinformed. Summer is Red Sox season, the Red Sox are insufrable, as are their fans. In fact, as I type this I am watching them lose in the ALCS and it is great.
OLTIMMAFOTS: I think I need a sunrise, I’m tired of the sunset
10. I Can Wait Forever – Simple Plan (55) Previously #8
OLTIMMAFOTS: When you call my heart stops beating, when your gone it won’t stop bleeding.
9. All The Same – Sick Puppies (55) Previously #11
As I type THIS, the Red Sox fans are filing out of Fenway in the seventh inning
OLTIMMAFOTS: I don’t mind, I don’t care, as long as you’re here
8. Iris – Goo Goo Dolls (56) NEW
The theme of City of Angels is a great song. The boys named Goo have been a solid band since their debut in the 90s.
OLTIMMAFOTS: You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
7. The Last Song I Will Ever Write About A Girl – The Ataris (56) NEW
Another song Ataris song about a reoccuring topic
OLTIMMAFOTS: Why don’t I ever seem to learn, that love is all wrong and girls are fucking evil
6. Jersey Rae – All Time Low (57) Previously #5
OLTIMMAFOTS: I’ve never told a lie, and that makes me a liar, I’ve never made a bet, but we gamble with desire, I’ve never lit a match, with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames, are getting out of control.
5. And My Name is Dignan, So What – Day at the Fair (59)
OLTIMMAFOTS: They’ll wonder how good it can get… Much better than this.
I hear from your friends you’re still alive, I guess I wasted those wishes on nothing
4. Last Train Home – Ryan Star (61) NEW
The highest debut on the new list comesfromanothersongfromPSILoveYouso
OLTIMMAFOTS: We were only kids, we ran like water, your father said “stay away from my daughter”
3. Fever Dream – Tyler Bates (62) Previously #3
A pure instrumental song from the movie the 300. Will get you adequately pumped up and plus, everyone needs a song on their iPod that will make you want to kill a butt load of Persians.
2. Bittersweet – Radio Racer (66) Previously #2
OLTIMMAFOTS: You cut me off but you’ve got nothing to show for I took the fall but it wasn’t enough
1. Far Away – Nickelback (90) Previously #1
That does it for this edition of make fun of Rick’s song choice. That wasn’t as lame as last time, but there was a heavy dose of depressing emo songs.
Ed. Note: Lyrics are he words of the bands that speak them and do not represent the ideas and beliefs of the author of this blog
Shit…the disclaimer is supposed to come first right….
A few weeks ago, Work Mom gave me a James Patterson book that she didn’t have any desire to read. It was called “You’ve Been Warned” & I put it off and put it off until I was out of new books to read. I finally picked it up last Thursday and finished it three days later. That doesn’t mean it was a good book though. It was a page turner, I’ll give it that, but the entire time I was reading it, I was making fun of it. The style of this particular James Patterson book was terrible. The chapters were 2 pages long, and all of them ended with a forced cliff hanger. I was going to try to randomly create a parody, but a weird thing happened Sunday night after reading the book so I will tell you the story in the style of JP:
I didn’t get to go to Bailey’s this week.
You would think I would be pissed that I had to work on a Sunday, but as I walk out of 30 Rock into the crisp night, my mind is completely blank. I glance at my phone to see if I have any messages waiting for me, and my face drops.
I immediately quicken my pace…
My train leaves in 15 minutes. Normally I can easily make it in 10, but with this bad wheel of mine, I am not as fast as I used to be. I cruise down fifth avenue, past the sketchy pocketbook salesmen and the slow moving tourists.
I make it to the train with not a minute to spare and I am able to sit in my favorite seat.
But then my heart sinks…
Where are my car keys?
Oh there they are. False alarm.
Then I gasp…
My shoe is untied.
I could have swore I tied it.
But did I turn my computer off…
Or did I…
I did. I remember now going through the painfully slow motions with my shitty work computer. With my mind finally at ease, I open up the book and jump as a cockroach falls out of the book…
Chapter 7: (Spoilers Ahead)
I nearly jump out of my seat and realize it was all a dream. Wide awake now, I plow through the rest of the book, which actually has a pretty decent ending. Turns out the main character is actually dead and in hell. Her punishment is to live the final week of her life over and over again. Since the entire book was told in first person, you never get a sense of the main characters faults since in her mind she is a pretty good person. (Except for one glaring exception: the affair she is having with the husband of the kids she babysits) I have said it before, a persons first instinct is to tell a story in a manner where they come out victim. Problems and issues are always somebody else’s fault.
Then I started thinking….
What defines a good person? I would consider myself a pretty good person, but at times I know I could come off as an asshole. But I think it’s just because I lack social skills. (Ed. Note: This might be one of those instances where I am trying to paint myself as a victim. I don’t know. I am confusing myself)
Just then, as we pull away from the Ardsley station, there is a loud bang at the door…
Startled, I look up and there is a woman pissed off that she fell asleep and missed her stop. I have been there before. Twice actually. The entire two-minute ride between Ardsley and Irvington I felt bad for this woman. You could tell her mind was trying to figure out how to get back to Ardsley without walking. I know from experience that it is usually 30-40 minutes until the next train heading back the other way.
I kept going over ways in my head to offer her a ride back to Ardsley, without looking sounding like a creep/pervert/serial killer. But as we pulled into Irvington, I was unable to speak even though I tried.
She got off the train and I stood there as the door closed and we pulled away…
Another minute later we pulled into Tarrytown and I got off, started up my car and started driving home.
But I drove right by the entrance to the TZ Bridge…
What the hell am I doing. This is even creepier. Driving to Irvington to offer some random person a ride. What the hell would I say? “Hi I was on your train, and I saw you missed your stop. Do you need a ride. I swear I am not going to rape you. Look at me, I’m a wimp. You could take me.”
Or maybe I can show her ID and have her call someone to say who she is with in case something did happen to her?
What the hell am I doing.
I get to the Irvington train station. It is deserted…
[End of JP Mocking]
I honestly don’t know what came over me. That was a weird night. I got home and went straight to bed, and blamed my actions on somebody or something else.
I was just a victim.
#1: In theory, there is no need for stamps if you make the intended address the return address and the return address the intended address (the post office mails to the return address if there is no stamp or insufficient postage)
#2: People who drag their feet when they walk wear out shoes faster than those who do not drag their feet when they walk.
#3: If I wrote down my real deep thoughts, I might lose my reputation of being a fuck-up and a drunk. God forbid if that ever happened.
#4: Clam is an underrated, yet extremely versatile word. (i.e. It’s clammy out today. Hey, clam up over there. Let’s go clamming. I caught four clams…etc.)
#5: All you need to know is what you don’t know.
#6: If I’m Marty Piccinich, and Marty Piccinich was eating lunch with his wife at Chili’s, and Marty Piccinich served Marty Piccinich a bacon burger (medium-well), but Marty Piccinich does not have a wife, then which Marty Piccinich was actually at Chili’s? On a side note, if you were a hotdog and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
#7: Refusing to do things is cool. (i.e. Doing work, waking up, answering the phone, going to class, etc.)
#8: Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. Just let that sink in. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. The terminator is the governor of California. One more time. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California.
Circa September 2002 – May 2003
This is the post that started my old website. These were all created my freshman year of college. Originally they were my away messages, back during the days when my computer was on, and logged on to AIM 24/7, and no one realized their computer didn’t like that.
Lesson 1- How to Pick up Strippers
Go to Strip Club
Talk to Stripper
If she asks you to come to her house for a good time…..RUN AWAY, run as fast as possible this isn’t normal for people like us (except Jim$), hot strippers don’t want to be with normal people in fact awesome stuff like this only happens to James Bond and even with him the hot chick usually has a gun or sharp instrument under the pillow ready to kill him with!
Lesson 2- How to Talk to Girls
…….Sorry cant help you out here
(Ed. Note: Somethings never change)
Lesson 3- How to Spend Friday Nights
8:00 – Tune into Noggin and watch Degrassi
8:29 – Remove clothes while listening to Noggin Spoken Word Guy, attain Vaseline
8:30 – Radio Free Roscoe Starts
For the next half our tug on your Vaseline covered knob everything Lily is on the screen
10:00-11:00 – Repeat Previous Steps
12:00 – 1:00 – Repeat Previous Steps
(Ed. Note: Somethings never change)
Lesson 4 – How not to go to a Casino
Drive to Mohegan Sun
Walk right into the Casino like it’s your job while your 19 and look like your 16
Sit down at table and proceed to lose $90 in TEN minutes
Get up and promptly get kicked out
Spend remainder of time hitting demo golf clubs in mall
Lesson #5 – How to make Lowes Cineplex your bitch
Purchase tickets for movie you wish to see
Walk to Outback Steakhouse and buy a Bloomin’ onion
Walk back into theater as if nothing is wrong
Proceed to eat Bloomin’ Onion during the movie, be sure to waft the aroma of the onion towards people around you to make them jealous
After movie leave Bloomin’ Onion on your seat to further mock Lowes
After this smuggling will become clockwork
Lesson #6 – Proper etiquette for watching TV in bed with a girl
Cater to her wishes as long, as it doesn’t interfere with the program (If your going to get some proceed to steps (a), if not proceed to steps (b))
(A) In commercials rub her back, give her soft kisses whatever you have to do to get her in the mood. *IMPORTANT* Be sure to stop once the program resumes
Once the program is over proceed to remove her clothes. *Note* her clothes come off first, not yours
(B) In a commercial either, pull her close to you or angle your butt towards her
Ask her to pull your finger
If she refuses, pull your own finger
Flatulence is released
Laugh while thinking about it for the rest of the program
Lesson 7: How to enjoy an afternoon at the Races
For the most fun go to a popular race like Belmont
Hire a indentured servant or german to be your driver……if your funds are low just befriend James Fitzgerald for the weekend
*Race Day Check List*
_ Good Call/Bad Call Sign
_ Water Proof container for GC/BC Sign
_ Lemons for Lemon Relay
_ Playing Cards
_ Sandy Chang’s Phone
_ Beverages, esp. Shirley Temples so the Bartenders won’t pass out from laughing to hard when your order them
At the end of every race when people want to know who won, simply respond, Sarah Jessica Parker
At the end of the day if you didn’t piss off at least 20 people the day was a failure
Lesson 8: Top 12 Things to do in Maryland
12. Play Tiger Woods Golf
11. Mess up an order at Chipolte and get yelled at by the staff
10. Go to Subway or Quiznos and leave your sandwich on the counter
9. Visit Ole’ Mel
8. Watch Degrassi and RFR at la casa del Mohr
7. Walk around to all the Frat parties and not get into any
6. Look for Jeff Andrew’s dorm, not finding it then piss into the wind
3. Go to Cornerstone and watch NFL games
4. Hook up with chicks on Doug’s Bed
3. Terapins Basketball or Football game
1. Fart on Rasho Nesterovic’s head while she sleeps
Lesson 9: (The original Lesson 9 will be in the Special Features on the DVD)
How To See Some Nice Boobs:
If you have Money – I’m Sure there is a nice “Gentlemens” club near by for you to ogle some trashy broad
If you a cheep bastard (like me) – Ever heard of the internet? Enough said
If you are normal – Get a girlfriend. (Then again if you are pathetic and retarded like me, ignore this option just stick to the first two)
If you are fucked up – Hire your friendly Japanese tentacle monster to rape and pillage nearby women, don’t know how to spot one, just ask Michael Strahan
Lesson 10: How to Know You Need to Stop What Your Doing, Go Home and Go to Bed
The horse you bet on dies before it crosses the finish line
When you stand up sand falls out of your chang
You think about going to Virginia
Your hanging out with Nicole Sikora and James Fitzgerald at the same time
Your not playing Korean Rummy
You think its cool to root for the Bahston Red Sox
Lesson 11: Protocol for meeting a Pornstar
If you see a pornstar alone in a public location, DON’T HESITATE, someone else has probably already noticed her too.
Casually approach her while looking confident. IMPORTANT: You must forget that you are pathetic and retarded
Jokingly use a cheesy pick up line, then laugh after saying it so that she knows your just kidding around
If she chuckles, your in like Flynn.
Continue to make casual conversation and buy her some drinks if they are available.
At the end of the night take her back to you place and proceed to bop her
(Optional) Stick it in her butt
Cherish every second of this because for the moment you are a God
WAKE UP (remember you are pathetic and retarded)
Lesson 12: How to Make a Good First Impression with Someone’s Parents
Help carry groceries upstairs
Never make eye or physical contact for the rest of their visit
When they come to say good-bye make sure you are “reading” a Victoria’s Secret catalog
(Ed: Note: I don’t remember whose parents this actually happened with)
Lesson 13: How to Know if you are Marty Piccinich
You think Canada was created just for Montreal and to make Degrassi and RFR
You plan something more than 20 minutes in advance and you expect it to go as planned, of course it won’t
Your afraid of girls
One of your friends is a big metal “E”
Wherever you are you’re playing Korean Rummy
Your favorite Olympic event is the Lemon Relay
Lesson 14: Operation Cheese Fries
Covert Mission After-Hours- Secret Agent Double Oh Cincimino & Not So Secret Agent Pat
Phase 1: Stealthy Turn on Deep Fryer when the Coast is Clear
Phase 2: Pour Fries into Fryer
Phase 3: Take Fries Out
Phase 4: Apply Salt and Pepper, then Cheese
Phase 5: Microwave for One Minute
Phase 6: Enjoy
Phase 7: Dispose of Evidence
(Ed. Note: This was pretty much my routine at Rockland Lake everyday after the bosses left..I don’t have much longer to live do I…)
Lesson 15: Mother’s Day a.k.a. Foolproof Way to Make Millions
Buy Mothers Day scratch-offs from the New York Lottery. Why? How could anyone be mean to a mother and let her lose money on a scratch off ticket on Mother’s Day.
Make sure you buy at least 5 so that you mom at least gets one, in fact it’s probably even better if you buy the tickets on Mothers Day so that you don’t scratch them all yourself
Get home, scratch off all the tickets yourself while you mom is asleep
Lose on all tickets, cold-hearted bastards at the New York Lottery
Give your mom some nice Scratch off themed wallpaper for the house, Happy Mothers Day Mom
Lesson 16: How To Become A Dirty Old Man By The Age Of 20
Way # 1:
Sign onto WinMX
Click on the chat button
Enter one of the 4392 chat rooms, 4391 of which have to do with porn
Type after me: “Male, 48, seeks Female to join me in erotic pleasures in peeing. Like giving and receiving. I love to drink it.”
Get immediately booted from whatever room your in, into a Gay Night Lover Room
Wait for approx. 15 minutes for the authorities to show up on your door step to soil your good name, be ready never to get a respectable job in your life since your are already a dirty old man at the age of twenty.
(Ed. Note: I did not do this, but rather saw someone else type it)
Way # 2-4:
See lesson 3 about Friday nights
Know exactly when the Olsen twins will be turning 18 so that it will be legal to search for their nude pics on the internet….I won’t tell you that it’s June 13th, 2004 at 8:30 pm for MK and 8:43 for Ashley
Bob Jacobs Favorite: When learning that the legal age is 13 in the Netherlands respond with…”Damn that’s tight”
Welcome to blast from the past week. I figure this is as good a week as any to dive into the archives and successfully bring everything over to the blog.
This post was written after a school trip to Bahston my first year at Springfield:
(Edits in Red)
I Recently took a trip to Bahston, while there I passed by [a former] girl of my dreams and all I could muster was the 5 seconds of staring that I privileged her to. At that moment she then became the girl that got away. Since then I have thought of about 772 ways to better handle the situation. Also since has been thusly proven that girls only like guys who have skills, here are some skills girls seem to like:
Ways I Could Have Got Kenmore To Notice Me
1. “Hey, whats going on, my name is Nick…”
2. “Excuse me, Do you have the time”
3. Blatantly stare at her
7. “Hey, I know you must get this all the time but… would you like a piece of my garlic bread?”
12. Ask her to take a picture with me
14. Ask her to take a picture with me naked
17. “If I were to send you flowers where would I… no, let me rephrase that. If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful?”
21. Trip and fall
23. Give her two tickets to the Gun Show
26. Sex Panther
39. Blatantly Stare at her, and mentally undress her
49. Tell her I play for the Devil Rays and I can’t seem to locate Fenway Park
72. Grab her boobs while saying Whammy
84. Give her the Mardi Gras beads that were not around my neck
98. “I want to be on you”
101. “You have an absolutely, breathtaking, heine. I mean that thing is good, I want to be friends with it”
103. ” Hi, you’re really good looking, can I have you number?”
154. Do nothing, oh wait that got me nowhere
189. Push Jon into her and then rip him off and claim that I saved her from un haiduc, and that I deserve a congratulatory
213. Try to talk to her and get ignored
249. Try to talk to her and get smacked
290. Try to talk to her and stutter and spit on her
300. Build her a cake or something
459. “I am blind will you help me get across the street?”
469. Stalk her
521. Ask her to dance
570. Serenede her
610. Ask her if she wanted my extra ticket to the Red Sox game that I didn’t have
630. Stare at her
640. Push Eric into her and then rip him off and claim that I saved her from un haiduc, and that I deserve a congratulatory
658. Ask her if she knew where the Pope was giving his opening prayer
690. Try to do something while I was doing nothing
732. Ask her if she knew I was the Sun Bowl Champ of 1981
759. Show her that I could throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
769. Push Lindsay and Rose into her and then wait a second….then rip them off of her and claim I saved her from multiple haiducs, and that I deserve a congratulatory
772. Make her a Shirley Temple
Methods Used to Pickup Girls
1. Nunchuk Skills
2. Bow staff Skills
3. Computer hacking Skills
4. Card Skills which make them get naked
5. X-treme drumming Skills
6. Army Uniform wearing Skills
7. Muscle having skills
8. Look I treat girls like complete crap skills
9. Drinking Skills
10. Not going to class Skills
11. Rebel Skills
12. Pot head Skills
13. Social Skills
14. Cripple Skills
15. The opposite of excess sarcasm Skills
16. Cheating on girls Skills
17. Meat on your bones Skills
18. Conversation Skills
19. Niv Skills
20. Asshole Skills
21. Jazz Flute Skills
22. Olympic Gold Medal Winning Skills
23. Rock star Skills
24. Errol Flynn Skills
25. Rock Climbing Skills
26. Able to hit a 100 mph fastball 500 ft Skills
27. Mad Skillz
28. Beat box Skills
29. Having lots of money Skills
30. Monster ballad crooning Skills
31. Dancing Skills
32. Not being able to dance Skills
33. Karaoke Skills
34. Hercules Skills
35. Lateness Skills
36. No respect for others Skills
37. Bad boy Skills
38. Good looking Skills
39. Jim$ Skills
40. Cricket Skills
41. Steroid Skills
42. Monolingual Skills
43. Being that guy Skills
44. Ability to be shown off Skills
45. Did I mention Social Skills
46. No Piccinich Effect Skills
47. They need you more than you need them Skills
48. Swooning Skills Skills
49. Moldable Skills
50. Mon Jermer Skills
51. No Tact Skills
52. Not friends with the girl you like Skills
53. You are a challenge to the girl Skills
54. OFT Skills
55. Non Loner Skills
56. 80’s party staying Skills
57. The ability to not only speak in inside joke Skills
58. Not the anti-poon Skills
We have a very special post today, written by one half of the most important duo in my life. My Mom!
Those of you familiar with The Rick’s “Running Diaries” won’t be surprised that his first appearance in such a document occurred a quarter of a century ago today. The author of the running diary was his mother (AKA The Mom) and she was recording the momentous occasion of his birth. For many years, it was believed that the original document was lost in “the black hole” sometime in the mid 1980’s. The Rick’s parents, fearing that the story would be lost forever, began an annual ritual known as “The Telling of the Birthday Story”. However, as often happens with oral tradition, the story changed over the years. With age, memories get fuzzy and changes, additions and deletions were common occurrences. Then, shockingly, during the “Telling of the Birthday Story” in 2007, a new character was introduced and The Mom realized the integrity of the story had been jeopardized. Her goal was to find the original diary since this seemed the only way to preserve the sanctity of the original tale. Last week, The Mom’s persistence was rewarded when she found the missing document. FINALLY, after 25 years, the true and unadulterated “Running Diary of the Birth of The Rick” can be told.
(Cue Wayne’s World Flashback Music)
October 9, 1983
The Mom (hereafter TM) wakes from a fitful sleep to sound of TV blaring.
TM remembers weird dream. She had snake like jaws and swallowed a gargantuan basketball which lodged in her stomach.
No dream. She HAS swallowed a gargantuan basketball.
AHA moment. TM has not swallowed gargantuan basketball. She is pregnant. (Ed. Note: No, there was a basketball in there. I have been training to beat Team Rhody since day -270)
TM successfully waddles to TV. Turns off Season 9 episode 1 of Saturday Night Live hosted by Brandon Tartikoff on NBC. (Ed. Note: I looked up who the hell Brandon Tartikoff was, and it turns out he was a NBC Program Executive who was hired by Dick Ebersol. So basically, asking himself to host SNL was like Jerry Jones telling Wade Phillips that he is going in to kick a game winning Field Goal)
The tyke, disguised as colossal basketball, delivers four vigorous kicks to TM’s internal organs.
TM settles back in bed for much needed sleep
TM wakes to discover:
(1) TV is blaring (Ed. Note: Again? Damn Poltergeists)
(2) Tyke disguised as basketball is using TM’s diaphragm as trampoline..
Bizarre thought: Should TM be concerned about tyke’s meniscus?
TM turns off Madonna music video on MTV (Ed. Note: This used to be my playground or foreshadowing?)
Tyke pummels TM’s spleen or some other vital organ.
TM prays she can get back to sleep
TM wakes to discover … PAIN?
That felt like pain too
More of same. Seems like 15 minutes apart. What were Dr. S’s instructions again?
TM rolls out of bed and shuffles toward bathroom. Today must be the day. She has been pregnant for 2.5 years.
TM wakes Mr. C and announces it may be time.
Mr. C (groggily): Time for what?
TM is not amused. Next time he can be pregnant.
Realization strikes Mr. C, with such force he bolts out of bed and dresses in 2 minutes 23 seconds
In his haste, Mr. C forgets to don underwear and socks. Car keys in hand, he pushes TM toward door. TM is still in pajamas. Must regroup.
Regroup. Call Dr. S. for instructions. Dr S. says call him back when contractions are 10 minutes apart.
Sure seems like contractions are 10 minutes apart.
Call Dr. S.
Dr. S says:
(1) Go straight to hospital, Do Not pass Go, Do not collect $200
(2) Don’t eat or drink anything.
TM suddenly feels hungry. Curiously, she only has the desire to eat butter. Weird.
En route to Women’s Hospital in NYC. West Side Highway is clear on Sunday morning. Goodie. (Ed. Note: Everything is coming up Milhouse. Apparently the Piccinich Effect is not hereditary…maybe it just skips a generation. Note to self: talk to grandparents)
Check-in. Nurse has instructions to call Dr. S when TM has arrived.
TM Pain check: “This ain’t so bad”
Dr. S arrives and verifies progress of TM and Tyke disguised as gigantic basketball.
Bad news. Not much progress. Dr. S tells TM to walk around to speed up delivery of Tyke/Basketball
TM walking up and down corridor with Mr. C.
TM walking up and down corridor dragging IV stand beside her. Mr. C cheerfully accompanies her. (Ed. Note: The stereotypical mother-to-be in agony, father-to-be blissfully ignorant and anxious)
More lumbering up and down hospital corridor, dragging IV stand. TM wonders if she has hit the Guinness world record for longest pregnancy in the history of mammals. Mr. C is much too gleeful as he accompanies TM.
On yet another trek up and down the hospital corridor, dragging IV stand, TM is seized by excruciating painful assault on her internal organs. Every single last one of her internal organs. Cheery, dapper Mr. C. smiles at TM and gaily asks “are you alright.”
TM is suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to beat the smiling, sockless, Mr. C with the IV stand. Thankfully, the desire quickly passes and the ever merry Mr. C is safe.. for now.
Dr. S. checks progress of TM and “Tyke who will not be born”
More bad news. Not much progress has been made. Decision is made to administer pitocin- drug to induce labor. Sounds ominous to TM. Jolly Mr. C. pats TM hand. TM snatches hand away.
Drug administered. No more walking required.
Pain check: “Tolerable..”
Dr. S. attaches device to TM belly to monitor heart rate of tyke during contractions
TM tries to nap.
Rumor has it that the visiting area in the hospital is chock full of TM and Mr. C relatives awaiting news from the front. A still gleeful Mr. C departs from TM company with a promise that he will return as soon as he has updated the family with the news that there is yet no new addition to the family.
Pain check: “Ouch”
TM thirsty. Thinks – Bananas, strawberries, sorbet, peaches, berries blended together in a potent and nutritious beverage. What a bizarre and random thought.
Pain check: “Double ouch”
Pain Check: “EEEEOOOOWWWW”
Mr. C. returns from visit with relatives and greets TM with a much too cheery “How’s it going?”
TM slowly spins head 360 degrees, looks directly at Mr. C, who has blanched
considerably. TM says: “#$%$#@^^&* ^& ()_)&^$%#$@#%^ &***&%$##@#!$%”
Pain Check: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW”
TM respectfully requests drugs
Dr. S: “Are you sure you would like medication?
Dr. S approves administration of drugs that will numb TM from waist down
TM thought there would be no more pain. HA and double HA.
TM passes time cussing, calling Mr. C all kinds of foul names and exclaiming very loudly “Get this baby out of me” (Ed. Note: I would image TM would also unleash a “you did this to me!”)
Thump, thump of tyke’s heart seems to slow with each contraction.
Dr. S. examines the strip of paper produced by the fetal heart monitor and frowns.
Dr. S. orders another fetal heart monitor to replace the one attached to TM belly.
New monitor is attached to TM belly.
Pain Check: “Good grief how long is this going to last?”
Thump, thump of fetal heart slows (Ed. Note: Hello! Someone get me out of there)
Dr. S examines new strip of paper and frowns again
Dr. S tells TM and Mr. C. tyke may have cord wrapped around neck. Not a good thing.
Decision is made to perform Cesarean-section.
TM crying. Can Mr. C come too? He seems to have forgiven her for the Exorcist imitation and all the nasty things she has called him.
No time for Mr. C to get ready to go into delivery room.
TM cries louder.
TM wailing as she is wheeled down the corridor.
TM deposited into scary delivery room. More tears.
Dr. S performing surgery
Dr. S announces “It’s a boy”
More crying. Happy tears now. TM sure cries a lot.
TM put to sleep to have abdomen sewn.
Dr. S goes to waiting room, seeks out Mr. C and announces “You have a man-child”.
(TM Note: In 2007, the veracity of this was questioned when in the retelling, Mr. C, obviously confused and suffering from the beginnings of Alzheimer’s due to his great advancing age, announced that it was not Dr. S who announced this but some unknown Scandinavian doctor with a very serious Hindi accent. The truth is, Dr. S made the announcement as has been verified and confirmed through video tapes of the hospital waiting room. Therefore, this is the definitive story as it will be told and remembered forevermore. Anyone who tries to change the nationality, accent, name or description of the deliverer of this message shall be punished to the fullest extent of the law.)
Nurse wakes TM and introduces her to her newborn son.
TM thinks “A quien salio ese nene tan blanco y tan chino?” which is Spanish for
“Huh? My baby is white AND Chinese?”