Retro Post: Rick’s Guide to Girls

Welcome to blast from the past week. I figure this is as good a week as any to dive into the archives and successfully bring everything over to the blog.
This post was written after a school trip to Bahston my first year at Springfield:
(Edits in Red)

I Recently took a trip to Bahston, while there I passed by [a former] girl of my dreams and all I could muster was the 5 seconds of staring that I privileged her to. At that moment she then became the girl that got away. Since then I have thought of about 772 ways to better handle the situation. Also since has been thusly proven that girls only like guys who have skills, here are some skills girls seem to like:

Ways I Could Have Got Kenmore To Notice Me

1. “Hey, whats going on, my name is Nick…”
2. “Excuse me, Do you have the time”
3. Blatantly stare at her
7. “Hey, I know you must get this all the time but… would you like a piece of my garlic bread?”
12. Ask her to take a picture with me
14. Ask her to take a picture with me naked
17. “If I were to send you flowers where would I… no, let me rephrase that. If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful?”
21. Trip and fall
23. Give her two tickets to the Gun Show
26. Sex Panther
39. Blatantly Stare at her, and mentally undress her
49. Tell her I play for the Devil Rays and I can’t seem to locate Fenway Park
72. Grab her boobs while saying Whammy
84. Give her the Mardi Gras beads that were not around my neck
98. “I want to be on you”
101. “You have an absolutely, breathtaking, heine. I mean that thing is good, I want to be friends with it”
103. ” Hi, you’re really good looking, can I have you number?”
154. Do nothing, oh wait that got me nowhere
189. Push Jon into her and then rip him off and claim that I saved her from un haiduc, and that I deserve a congratulatory
213. Try to talk to her and get ignored
249. Try to talk to her and get smacked
290. Try to talk to her and stutter and spit on her
300. Build her a cake or something
459. “I am blind will you help me get across the street?”
469. Stalk her
521. Ask her to dance
540. Nothing,
570. Serenede her
610. Ask her if she wanted my extra ticket to the Red Sox game that I didn’t have
630. Stare at her
640. Push Eric into her and then rip him off and claim that I saved her from un haiduc, and that I deserve a congratulatory
658. Ask her if she knew where the Pope was giving his opening prayer
690. Try to do something while I was doing nothing
732. Ask her if she knew I was the Sun Bowl Champ of 1981
759. Show her that I could throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
769. Push Lindsay and Rose into her and then wait a second….then rip them off of her and claim I saved her from multiple haiducs, and that I deserve a congratulatory
772. Make her a Shirley Temple

Methods Used to Pickup Girls

1. Nunchuk Skills
2. Bow staff Skills
3. Computer hacking Skills
4. Card Skills which make them get naked
5. X-treme drumming Skills
6. Army Uniform wearing Skills
7. Muscle having skills
8. Look I treat girls like complete crap skills
9. Drinking Skills
10. Not going to class Skills
11. Rebel Skills
12. Pot head Skills
13. Social Skills
14. Cripple Skills
15. The opposite of excess sarcasm Skills
16. Cheating on girls Skills
17. Meat on your bones Skills
18. Conversation Skills
19. Niv Skills
20. Asshole Skills
21. Jazz Flute Skills
22. Olympic Gold Medal Winning Skills
23. Rock star Skills
24. Errol Flynn Skills
25. Rock Climbing Skills
26. Able to hit a 100 mph fastball 500 ft Skills
27. Mad Skillz
28. Beat box Skills
29. Having lots of money Skills
30. Monster ballad crooning Skills
31. Dancing Skills
32. Not being able to dance Skills
33. Karaoke Skills
34. Hercules Skills
35. Lateness Skills
36. No respect for others Skills
37. Bad boy Skills
38. Good looking Skills
39. Jim$ Skills
40. Cricket Skills
41. Steroid Skills
42. Monolingual Skills
43. Being that guy Skills
44. Ability to be shown off Skills
45. Did I mention Social Skills
46. No Piccinich Effect Skills
47. They need you more than you need them Skills
48. Swooning Skills Skills
49. Moldable Skills
50. Mon Jermer Skills
51. No Tact Skills
52. Not friends with the girl you like Skills
53. You are a challenge to the girl Skills
54. OFT Skills
55. Non Loner Skills
56. 80’s party staying Skills
57. The ability to not only speak in inside joke Skills
58. Not the anti-poon Skills

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