Earlier in the week Jmac informed us of a party he was hosting at his apartment in Stamford. Since no one had plans, and we have recently jumped at any chance to get out Rockland, Joyce, Dmo, Ostrowe, Rachel and Rick all planned on attending. Ostrowe and Rachel were in one car (because they planned on sleeping over) and Rick, Joyce, and Dmo were in another.
Note: This really happened
8:40 Arrive in Stamford, it is immediately apparent that Jmac’s roommates are friends with a lot of douchebags. His roommates, Mark & Druche, are the kings of the douchebags.
8:50 Rachel and Ostrowe have arrived, and we are already separated into two different factions. The Piccinich Faction is much cooler since it includes the only female at the party.
9:00 Occasionally Mark comes near us, & Joyce gets him to say Abby over and over. Anytime Druche approaches, Ostrowe is forced to subdue the urge to give him the RKO.
9:05 The PF has commandeered the TV, while the DBF plays beer pong. Rick & Justin have teamed up against Dmo & Joyce in an epic North/South battle in Tiger Woods. It only took 15 minutes for Joyce to get fidgety and not come back for his turn.
9:50 Split screen has been utilized. TWoods on one half, X Games on the other
10:00 Jmac’s new lady friend shows up with her two friends. The PF has made no effort to be social.
10:10 The PF tries to figure out a way to go to Milford instead without it being awkward. It is impossible.
10:30 PF still playing TWoods. Slowly, the girls have begun realizing the type of clientele they are dealing with in the DBF. Without making any effort, the PF has wooed the females away from the DBF.
10:35 One of the girls, Julie, works for New York Magazine. Obviously, the first question to her is: “Do you know Will Leitch?” She does not.
10:40 Rick makes the mistake of telling Joyce that she works for the New Yorker and is chastised.
10:50 Joyce sits down in one of the recliners and bumps into a table knocking it over. Somehow he is quick enough to steady the table before it goes down and grabs a shot glass before it crashes to the floor.
10:51 Amiss celebrating his skill, he proceeds to knock the table over. Rick quickly compares this to Chunk in the Goonies and makes it back into Julie’s good graces.
11:00 Druche sits on the couch, crushing Julie’s purse. She puts him in his place with some good sarcasm. Rick gives her a +1. She appreciates it
11:05 Druche now stands on the couch and nearly tips the entire thing over. Everyone is disappointed that it was only a nearly.
11:20 Julie’s friend Melissa comes over and starts talking to Rick. She does IT work hedge funds. She finds out that Rick does programming for NBC Sports (thanks to Dmo) and is excited to find a fellow computer nerd at the party. Rick disappoints her by telling her that he does TV programming, not computer programming. But he does love gadgets.
11:30 The DBF heads out to the bars leaving the PF alone in the apartment with the ladies…
11:40 The ladies… decide to head out to the bar. The PF reluctantly agrees to tag along. Melissa vows to lead us to the bar successfully
11:45 Sitting in the car, the PF agrees that going to the bar is a waste, and playing Trivial Pursuit at Joyce’s house while eating Prime Rib is a much more fun option. We decide to bail on the bar, however, Ostrowe left his bag inside Jmac’s apartment. He quickly makes up a story and calls Jmac to tell him he left his wallet in the apartment.
11:46 Jmac calls Rick, who is still sitting outside his apartment in front of Ostrowe in the car, to tell him they are turning around to bail out Ostrowe.
11:48 Jmac lets Ostrowe in the house. Melissa comes up to the car:
Melissa: Sorry we had to turn around…wait were you guys even following us?
(Simultaneously) Rick: Yes Dmo: Yes Joyce: No
11:49 Melissa walks away dejected
11:50 We once again tell Jmac we are going to the bar as Ostrowe gets into his car and plans on following Rick back to Rockland.
11:53 Joyce: “If Jim$ is building a pyramid, he is the first one to put his stick in the sand”
11:55 The car of Rick, Joyce, and Dmo are about to get on the highway when Joyce starts talking about how he has a chance with Julie and how cool she is:
Dmo: So why are we going home?
Joyce: I don’t know
Rick: I can still be talked into the bar.
Dmo: Me too
Rick: It would be for a good cause
Joyce: Ok, let’s go
Rick & Dmo: Nice
12:05 After getting directions from Melissa, we find a parking garage and walk towards the bar, but we decide that it is probably a good idea to let Ostrowe know about the change in plan.
12:06 Rick calls Ostrowe and gives the phone to Joyce. Joyce can only make bird calls.
12:07 Rick takes the phone back and apologizes for ditching the plan and gives Ostrowe Joyce’s garage code so he can let himself in.
12:25 Get to the bar and Jmac informs Rick that Melissa is really into him. Dmo thought that Melissa was Jmac’s woman. He is confused.
12:26 The DBF is at the bar. God we hate them.
12:31 Joyce just said that word
12:35 Joyce breaks out the dance push ups. The DBF begins to mimic him. This is actually really funny.
12:45 Rick is talking to Melissa and he turns his back for a second to help someone find their coat in the pile of coats. When he turns back, DBF King Mark is in between him and Melissa. She is not happy. Rick proceeds to watch the Australian Open
12:46 Rick turns back to check on the situation precisely as Melissa gives him a kick saying “bail me out here!” She hits him square in the nuts.
12:50 The PF changes locations along with the ladies to get away from the DBF
1:02 While chatting amongst ourselves, DBFK Mark sits next to Jmac and start whining to him: “I was making headway with Melissa. We were having a good talk, and then that guy comes over with his handsome face and ruins my chances. That is messed up.” Clearly he was not participating in the same conversation as Melissa.
1:10 Joyce executes a dance push up from the top rope. The rest of the bar immediately is concerned for his mental state
1:15 Julie: Daryl had a stroke? Is he ok? He is our age?
Jmac: Daryl had a heart attack
1:25 Joyce asks a random girl if she is pregnant. Not a good call.
1:35 DBFK Mark comes up behind Rick.
DBFKM: Good Job
Rick: Huh?
/Extends his hand to Rick
//Rick goes to shake
///DBFKM gives Rick the finger. Shakes hand. Walks away
1:50 The bar is closing so we start heading out. Julie and Melissa split before anyone can say goodbye.
1:52 Joyce breaks a town sprinkler.
1:55 Joyce: “I really like Julie. She gets me. She is a racist and says what I am thinking before I can think about saying it”
2:00 Drop Jmac and his lady friend off at the bar
2:15 Joyce: “I am the Bill Parcells of deep throating”
2:30 Do they have radios in heaven? I hope they do.
2:40 Arrive back at Joyce’s house. Ostrowe has been here for over two hours. He is hungry, so Joyce makes him ziti.
2:45 Joyce was heady enough to prepare anti-hangover treats in the kitchen so they would be easily accessible once he got home.
2:47 Rick leaves. Joyce, Ostrowe, and Rachel start to watch Rocky IV. Joyce makes it through about 5 minutes before walking upstairs and passing out.
3:00 May the god bless you for ever.