Preakness VII: All Good Things Must Come To An End

Today is the first time since 2002 that I have woke up in NY on the third Saturday in May 😦

Yesterday was a sad day for me. Ever since 2003, the third Saturday has meant only one thing. The Preakness. Over the last six years, I have woke up in a myriad of places on Preakness morning:
2003 – Dmo’s College Park Apartment
2004 – Dmo’s Silver Springs Apartment
2005 – Laurel, Maryland
2006 – Doogie Howser’s House
2007 – Edgewood, MD Best Western
2008 – Jenn’s Apartment in Bethesda
So waking up in NYC this year was different. However, I couldn’t help but keep a running diary

9:00 Wake up. I have the urge to buy sandwich meats and ice from the supermarket. I think I will carry a cooler through Central Park later. Hopefully Virgil will help me get from my apartment to the park.
9:15 Doesn’t get more depressing than doing laundry on Preakness morning
9:18 While my clothes are in the wash, I hit up the supermarket. Side Note: Recently, I visited a Gristedes in the city. It is ten times nicer than the supermarket I go to. I need to reevaluate my supermarket of choice. Side Note 2: The sign out side says “Gristedes,” the plastic bags say “Gristede’s” Which is it?!
9:40 I spent pointless dollars at Amazon recently. My first shipment arrived on Friday: Blazing Saddles, Caddyshack, Rookie of the Year, Mighty Ducks 1 & 2, and Tony Hawk for PS3. I am currently playing the shit out of TH
12:00 Shower time
12:30 Head to a different supermarket, Pioneer, to try to find Acai sorbet. It is also 10x nicer than Associated.
1:00 More Tony Hawk. Solid start to the post-Preakness years of my life…
2:15 Gentleman Joyce and Gentleman Mar arrive with a weeks worth of food courtesy of Mrs. Joyce. Mrs. Joyce is making a strong case for Gentlewoman of the Year 2009. Jenn is going to have to step up her game
2:20 Joyce and Mar were playing “What Asian country is that person from” on the way down here. This led to Joyce proclaiming “North Korea, Best Korea.” He then drew this picture
2:40 Joyce retells a story from his trip to Spain. He went up to a group of hookers and asked them why they do, what they do. Immediately he was surrounded by a shit-ton of them and was groped repeatedly. The next day he got to play the “Where is my camera” Game.
2:45 Meanwhile in Spain, there is a hooker showing off pictures of Joyce saying that it is her daughters new husband. Three months from now she will come to America and declare citizenship
3:15 We start playing Tiger Woods in the new Tiger Lounge
3:34 Bob calls Joyce to figure out what our plan is, Joyce promptly puts a shot in the water
Mar “Bob cost you a shot there”
Joyce “Bob Costas loves Chinese food”
4:20 Finish playing TWoods. We contemplate blowing off Bob to keep playing
4:23 Joyce and Mar heat up Mrs. Joyce’s chicken parm. Mar drops huge glob of sauce on kitchen floor
4:26 Mar’s chicken parm is not warm enough for his liking. He proclaims “Koreans like it really hot”
4:30 Joyce wants to have the Korean Challenge next as a follow up to the Mini-Keg Challenge. It involves drinking Kirin Ichiban and eating Kim Chi all day
4:31 Bob is wealthy, he is waiting for us at the OTB Winners Circle on 38th street. This will be my second trip to OTB ever. My first being Friday afternoon with some people from work. It is grimey.
4:32 Ostrowe loves Rachel Alexandria
4:32 As we are about to get on the subway Bob tells us the OTB is packed. Operation aborted. Bob will text us soon with a new plan. In the meantime we take the 6 down to Murray Hill. As long as we don’t wind up at the Joshua Tree I will be happy
4:45 Get off on 33rd Street. Get a text from Bob saying: “At Mercury Bar. Jumbo screens”
4:50 NKBK is well on its way to becoming a Piccinch meme
4:55 Joyce calls Bob: “Hey Bobby, it’s your boy Joyce you still there.” Earlier in the day, Joyce left me a voicemail: “Hey Nicky, it’s Joycey. I’m picking up Mar at 1:00″
5:00 Joyce points out Bob is still wearing the same shirt he saw the Pacquiao fight in
5:04 I am not used to seeing Preakness fluff pieces. This is a new world for me. (Ed. Note: I watched the fluff pieces Sunday Morning. They were tremendous)
5:07 Poker Face just came on at the bar, gag me. The first time, and all subsequent times I heard it on the radio or TV I hated it. Last weekend I heard at wedding and it was much better. So much so that I downloaded it the following Monday. However, after a week of having it on my iPod, I already hate it again. It was so bad, I was signing it while playing basketball on Tuesday
5:08 Lady Gaga is bluffing with her muffin
5:10 Tom Hammond is not handsome
5:12 Mar says he is going to bet his college tuition on Rachel Alexandria (Ed. Note: He doesn’t. Tough break)
5:13 Dear Sam, Please show us a shot of the infield, I would like to see how many people are not there. Ok Thx Bai
5:14 Rachel Alexander’s owner is being interviewed by Costas. He is wearing an RA hat made at a mall. He is a millionaire, wtf, he can’t afford a well made hat?
5:16 Mine That Bird is 15.1 hands, Rachel Alexandria is 16.2 hands. Mar has 2 hands on Abby
5:20 They showed an aerial shot, infield empty, but knowing how these things it is probably from earlier in the day. For everyone who doesn’t know how it works they will think it is because of the no beer rule. Even if it is from earlier in the day, the crowd is still pathetic. Next year, I bet the booze comes back
5:24 Bob orders a house salad to start. He is wealthy
5:25 While everyone else ordered a round. I am drinking Sprite out of a bottle. The waitress takes an opportunity to mock me.
5:27 I play White Houses on the juke. Based on the songs currently playing, it should go over well. We seem to be in the middle of a 2 hour rap block
5:30 Mar proclaims that Papa Clem will win. (Even though he already said he was going to bet all his money on Rachel Alexandria)
5:35 Arod hits walk off HR, gets facial from teammates, he loves it
5:38 Bob picked a great place with nice views
5:42 I ask the waitress if she can bring me a glass of her finest lemon-lime soda.
5:45 Flying Privates gets some TV time and tons of jokes are thrown out.
5:47 Joyce: I wish Daryl came
Mar: That would have added a stroke to the table
5:49 Mar wants Joyce to get the Asian Peartini
5:52 I need a purple hoodie
6:00 “The Blackberry 134th Running of the Preakness Stakes presented by Canon” Quite the mouthful
6:05 We order wings, sliders, skins, and popcorn shrimp
6:10 Oh Maryland, My Maryland.

Thou wilt not cower in the dust,
Thy beaming sword shall never rust,
Remember Carroll’s sacred trust,
Remember Howard’s warlike thrust,-
And all thy slumberers with the just,
Maryland! My Maryland!

I could make all sorts of comments, but I will let your imagination take over
6:12 And they take the Preakness off the TVs. Outrage ensues.
6:13 Our waitress comes to us with bad news. The Mercury Bar is out of wings. However, they do have boneless wings.
6:14 Bob says our waitress is 19. I say 21. Joyce agrees with Bob
6:15 I am giddy. I think I am rooting for Mine That Bird
6:16 Bob Costas has the same NBC Sports umbrella as me
6:17 Big drama before the Preakness. The #1 horse, Big Drama, started bucking after all the horses were in the gate. He needed to be removed, then set back in. Mine That Bird is in the #2 slot, hopefully he wasn’t too shook up
6:20 And Rachel Alexandria is your winner. The only good thing about today is that this was the first time since 2003 that I saw the end of the Preakness live. (2003 we stood by the finish line for the race). Mine That Bird made his late charge again, but ran out of real estate. An extra 1/8 mile and he would have won. He will settle for second.
6:22 If Calvin Borel wins the Belmont, does he get the Calvin Crown?
6:25 I am turning the charm up to 11. I donated $5 to the brain tumor society in front of purple hoodie
6:28 Now I should tell the waitress I just got Rookie of the Year in the mail, she should come over and watch it with me.
6:30 Showing off once again, we buy 50/50 tickets for charity
6:32 Mar tries to squeeze lemon juice in Joyce’s beer, he drops the whole lemon in. He then puts a lemon in his own beer since he is a gentleman
6:33 To avoid asking a girl how old she is, I ask the waitress how old she was 5 years ago. She says 16. I win the bet. Mar then responds “She wants to bang you in the ass”
6:37 The proverbial Rachel Alexandria just walked into the bar
6:40 The current play list has been hand selected by the Waitress. It includes Faith by George Michael, and Sunday Morning by No Doubt which I give her a high-five for.
6:48 Mar is peppering Joyce’s 50/50 tickets. Literally. They are pouring condiments on each other tickets
6:49 Joyce puts sugar in his beer. And Bob’s beer
6:58 Bob returns from the bathroom “My beer is sweet”
7:06 Scoreboards in super slo month cause epilepsy
7:10 We don’t win the 50/50. Mar and Joyce put their tickets in each other’s beer
7:15 Mar pours more sugar into Joyce’s beer, then rips out a very evil laugh, followed by a evil “How’s Abby”
7:19 White Houses finally plays on the Juke! Almost two hours later
7:30 We make our first bad decision of the night and leave Mercury Bar. Mar claims he has to catch a train, but our goal is to make him pull a Daryl. We hope he misses his train and by proxy his brothers graduation. There is a train at 8:07 and 9:07
7:38 Mar is practicing his Jersey accent
7:40 I’ve noticed a trend of late. We always leave bars when we are having a good time and there are a lot of good looking chicks everywhere. (Ed. Note: Also applies to weddings)
7:42 We arrive at 42nd and 3rd. Grand Central is one block west. Mar tries to leave to catch 8:07 train, but instead we convince him to walk east to McFadden’s
8:09 Mar says the word next to Buddy Word on a bike
8:10 Arrive at McFadden’s
8:11 There is a wall of douche near the door. Bob sets up shop in the middle of this terrible area.
I refuse and move to an open area.
8:12 Comparatively speaking McFadden’s was a bad call
8:13 And the second half of the recent trend rears it’s ugly head. We leave a good scene, for a shitty one
8:15 The bartender tells us for $5 we can have a bracelet that entitles us to half price drinks all night. Everyone is skeptical, but gives her $5 anyway, and tells her that we are on to their ponzi scheme
8:16 You have to drink three beers to save money.
8:19 The bartender gives us the stereotypical good looking girl story of how she pays for her own drinks, never gets asked out. I tell her she is intimidating, she is confused and says I am intimidating
8:28 Out of nowhere, Mar screams “This is a ponzi scheme!”
8:29 Joyce agrees. Bartender tells him to “Shut the fuck up”
8:34 Bartender asks Mar where he is from:
Rick: Brussels
Mar: Brussels
Bartender: You are lying, he is laughing
Mar: Jersey. Get me some shots
Bartender: Seriously. Are you from the tri-state. Show me your license
(Mar pulls out California License. Bartender stunned)
8:40 Biggest. Douche. Ever. No Joke. Sweater wrapped around neck and his friend has a pink sweater vest
8:45 Mar is officially missing his train. His bro said he can’t come up past nine o’clock
8:55 Finally, some girls walk into the bar. Let’s call them shark tooth and Lava Girl. Joyce likes what he sees and with some prodding from yours truly, decides to buy beers for the girls. Hilarious awkwardness ensues. I call over the bartender and tells her Joyce has a question for him. She stands there in anticipation as Joyce says: “If you were a hot dog, in space, what would you do.” I explode in laughter and hit Joyce in the arm forcing him to ask his real question. When the bartender hears the real question, she says “Oh those girls? They are hot! I’m friends with them and they are single.” I am sitting closest to the girls, but two Yankee fans separate the two parties
8:59 Mar asks the bartender to send a text message to the girls. He grabs a napkin and writes “Hi my name is Joyce and I am Korean.” He hands it to the bartender and tells her to ask them to text back
9:00 Side Note: Yahoo Serious just walked into the bar
9:03 The girls write back fake Korean letters as a response. The last “letter” is a smiley face
9:04 We text back again: “Do you think I am cute. Check: Yes No Maybe” Joyce adds a fourth option “This is retarded”
9:05 Tonight Mar will be playing the role of Daryl
9:06 The Yankees fans are amused by our antics and are now talking to the girls to investigate the situation. This backfired.
9:10 Yankee Fan #1 brakes off and starts talking to us. He asks Joyce why he isn’t talking to these girls. Joyce tells him that he doesn’t want to cock block Yankee Fan #2. YF1 informs us that YF2 is married and not a factor here.
9:11 The girls return the napkin: Maybe and This is retarded are checked off
9:12 A gay guy parks himself next to us to order drinks. Within 30 seconds Joyce quite loudly says “This is so gay.”
9:16 And it is official Joyce has lost the battle. A couple of DBs have moved in and started conversation with the chicks. It has even progressed to the point where once guy has put his coat on Sharktooth’s chair He is in for the long haul
9:17 Question: Where the hell is Mar? (Answer: Outside on the phone)
9:24 Mar is back. And giving Joyce advice. Bad advice
9:27 Mar sends another text: “You look electric, I’m serious, I’m over my minutes, pls txt back”
9:30 A friend of Sharktooth and Lava Girl joins them at the bar. They are showing off their napkin. There new friend must be beyond stunned we exist.
9:31 Their friend looks familiar but I can’t see her face
9:32 The bartender says to the new girl, “Hey Dorf, isn’t that wild”
9:33 No. Fucking. Way.
9:34 I get up and walk over the the party. I work with Dorf. I went to see Star Trek with her the night before. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Sharktooth is actually named Lindsay and Lava Girl is named Lydia. The guy with the coat is Pete. He is a friend of theirs from home.
9:35 My mind is blown.
(Ed. Note: It is Sunday night and I still laugh out loud whenever I think about what happened. I was/am beyond stunned. Un.Fucking.Believable.)
9:36 No joke, I almost started drinking at this very moment
9:39 They just put the fans on. The one above us sounds terrible
9:40 A 60 year old just stole Joyce’s seat. Needless to say, Ostrowe banged her
9:45 Back in the New York Groove comes on. Mar replaces NY with Asian as he sings out loud
9:50 Come to McFadden’s: Where you need to be a douchebag to be a bartender
10:00 The A team just took over behind the bar. We are at an extreme disadvantage
10:08 First word of the night (Not counting Mar’s from before)
10:15 One of the fan blades breaks off from the ceiling and hits the jello shots girl in the face
10:20 Leave a good bar once, shame on us. Leave a good bar twice, we are retarded. Once again, as things start to pick up, we decide to leave. It doesn’t help that they told me I had to take off my hat.
10:23 Mar is asking everyone he passes “How’s Abby”
10:25 Drunk Mar gets glo sticks from some random chicks on the street. He will use it to whip Joyce for the rest of the night
10:26 I’ve missed Drunk Mar. It has been a while
10:27 Mar sees a Wachovia and says he needs to get cash. We remind him that he paid by credit card at Mercury Bar and we gave him all the cash
10:29 Mar “Your right I don’t need any money”
10:30 Mar keeps repeating “Hi I’m Abby”
10:32 Joyce goes into a Bodega to get a soda. Mar tells him he is a initial. He is standing next to an initial
10:45 We just went to 5 different bars. All of them sucked. We were in them for a combined minute
10:50 Mar can’t operate the subway turnstyle. He is about to leave when Bob let’s him use $2 off his card
10:54 All Joyce keeps talking about is Fat Sal’s. Mar responds with “you’re an initial” every time
10:56 Mar hugs a subway column and says “Hug a Tree” then says “My name is Daryl” for five minutes in a different cadence every time
11:01 Mar switches it up and throws in an “I had a stroke,” “I like chicken parm,” “I like hugging the pole”
11:05 Rick (to Mar) “You owe Bob $2”
Mar “I do?”
11:10 We pass up Tin Lizzie’s to eat at Fat Sals. Great call
11:11 Storm of the century
11:20 Head to Jack Russells and take up space at the bar
11:25 Everyone is beyond winded
11:27 Good name for a bar: Howe’s Abbey
11:29 Rick falls asleep on the bar
12:00 Finally leave. Mar plans on waking up at 5:00A to catch 5:35 train. Will he make graduation?
12:10 As we get back to the apartment, Mar says he is going to give Joyce a piss puck in the middle of the night. He proclaims that he will add a special ingredient: Shit Sprinkles
6:14 Email from Mar (sic):
youre retarded bah daryl i missed several trains last night and the 535am train i just missed as well im laying on the floor of grand central i shouldnt have a problem getting on the 707 train
hopefully bah there was a gaggle of drunk chicks here we shouldve got here at 4am and cleaned up
6:20 Email from Mar (sic):
bah i just got lectured by cops for laying on the floor now im sitting against the wall im exhausted hows abby?
6:39 Email from Mar (sic):
bah i look like a heroin addict right now im so winded joyce was sleeping with olivia when i left no rumor theres been a chick talking on the phone in the middle of g.c. since my first text shes talking to rick for him to come bang her
7:07 Mar makes his train and his brother’s graduation

It was not the same, but it was an entertaining Preakness Saturday. I’m looking forward to heading to Baltimore next year when they once again allow beer in the infield.
Until then, may the god bless you for ever

Post Script: This was added to Facebook on Monday: (All sic)

Bartender: for your info I was already on the bar….you did not need any sort of pushing….its the loaded coronas….I cant wait to text you later…via napkin
Sharktooth: i ended up on the bar last night. i’ve reached a new level, thanks to you. i’ve also discovered my korean is excellent.

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