Who Wants a Mustache Ride?

Mustache: An unshaved growth of hair on the upper lip (Princeton.edu)
Mustache: The source of all righteous power; the facial hair style of the sophisticated man or woman. Antonym = Evil (Urban Dictionary)

For generations, Picciniches have always had a soft spot for the mustache. Personally, the obsession stems from the fact that I can’t grow one, but that is besides the point. The time has come for the lady tickler to be given a pedestal on this here blog. Let’s meet our contestants.

32 Men have been nominated by the esteemed panel of Gentlemen and they have been broken into two divisions; Cheesy & Awesome.
Cheesy: These mustaches make you want to laugh at the person sporting it.
Awesome: These mustaches give the party rocking it +3 attribute points in all categories
The winner in each division will face off in the championship match to determine…
The. Greatest. Mustache. Ever.

Cheesy Division:
1 Jake Plummer v 16 Pat Kirwan

Jake Plummer
Occupation: Unemployed NFL QB
Mustache Type: What the hell is that on Plummer’s face?
Details: Back during the 2005 NFL season, Jake Plummer inexplicably grew a mustache for his team photo, but once the season started it was gone. Upon seeing it, Rick and Ostrowe were simultaneously stunned and in awe. The only downfall to this stache was the lack of longevity.

Pat Kirwan
Occupation: Former NFL Coach turned analyst
Mustache Type: The Little League Coach
Details: Pat Kirwan was nominated by Daryl. I can’t remember ever seeing or hearing this guy. But I did hear once through hearsay that Pat once lost a golf ball in his bushy lip mask

Rick: The Plummer-stache is unreal
Ostrowe: All I know is Plummer’s stache/bowl cut combo made him look like a retarded southerner you would find working at a hardware store
Rick: Kirwan’s stache has much more longevity than Plummer’s.
Ostrowe: Plummer’s looks like someone gave him a dirty sanchez
Rick: It was unfortunate that Plummer never played a game with his mustache
Ostrowe: Perhaps it was just the team photo editor playing a prank on him
Rick: I think Plummer moves on easily.
Ostrowe: I’m going to have to agree

2 Mike Belotti v 15 Super Mario

Mike Belotti
Occupation: Univ. of Oregon Head Football Coach
Mustache Type: The Chevron
Details: Belotti’s mustache is so cheesy he once inspired a giant novelty sign which alerted all nearby people of the fact

Super Mario
Occupation: Plumber/Hero
Mustache Type: Italian
Details: Mario’s mustache was very pixelaed in his early years but has really come into it’s own in the past few years. His brother is secretly jealous and tries to slip hair remover into his mustache shampoo

Ostrowe: Belotti’s stache was so bad, it cost his team victories. He looks like John Holmes’s gay brother
Rick: Gay Holmes? Mario’s mustache won him a princess
Ostrowe: That’sa spicy-a mustache!
Rick: Mario can also makea the posters fora your dance
Ostrowe: Ciao! that picture of Belotti looks like it was taken at a swingers party
Rick: Could be an upset here, Mario will probably win the popular vote. Outside of the Maryland crew, Belotti doesn’t really resonate
Ostrowe: Very true. Mario is a dangerous 15 seed. Especially if he eatsa somea mushrooms

3 Bob Raissman v 14 Geraldo

Bob Raissman
Occupation: NY Daily News Sports TV Columnist
Mustache Type: The Molestache
Details: Ever since the dawn of sports on TV, Bob has been covering them in New York. Scholars would estimate his age somewhere near 82, however, like Tuck Everlasting, he seems to have found the fountain of youth. His stache has been giving Rick nightmares since he was a little Ricky.

Geraldo
Occupation: TV Tabloid Talk Show Host
Mustache Type: The Hungarian
Details: Geraldo’s stache has a resume as strong as a seasoned MMA fighter. It once acted as a shield when a chair was thrown at his face. And it once scissor-kicked Angela Lansbury. When Geraldo asks two-timing, druggie, asshole boyfriends a question. They tell him the truth.

Rick: Raissman. Looks. Stupid.
Ostrowe: Raissman’s a sportswriter though. Have you seen those guys? He’s going to look stupid regardless. At least he’s creative about it. Geraldo’s mustache was on the front lines of the Persian Gulf war
Rick: Geraldo’s mustache has protected him from flying chairs
Ostrowe: I bet its gotten more scoops than Raissman’s as well. Not a big fan of the Understache he’s got going there though
Rick: Another scenario where Raissman has the more impressive mustache, but may lose to a more poplar contestant
Ostrowe: The Tri-state voters will go for Raissman
Rick: It will be interesting to see how people vote being that no criteria will be provided. It is a true crap shoot
Ostrowe: Indeed, every mustache for himself

4 Dave Wannstedt v 13 Borat Sagdiyev

Dave Wannstedt
Occupation: University of Pittsburgh Head Football Coach
Mustache Type: Fuzzy Caterpillar
Details: Dave Wannstedt is a terrible coach. But he has a wonderful mustache. I am excited to see how he will blow this matchup.

Borat Sagdiyev
Occupation: Kazakh Broadcaster/Journalist
Mustache Type: Helter Skelter
Details: Borat’s mustache gives him the authentic creepy foreigner look. It is ungroomed and contains 45% of Kazakstans GDP. With an entire nation backing Borat, he is a force to be reckoned with.

Rick: Wannstedt is known for being a terrible coach with a rediculous mustache
Ostrowe: He is terrible. can you picture him without a mustache though? I can’t
Rick: It is part of his being, whereas Borat’s is merely a prop
Ostrowe: Borat’s is incredibly cheesy. But intentionally so. Do you think he loses votes because of that?
Rick: It’s possible. I think 90% of the CoG will lean Wannstedt. Wrong audience for Borat
Ostrowe: Never underestimate the female voting block though
Rick: My mom might be the only female who votes
Ostrowe: Abby?
Rick: She’ll be too busy in Dmo’s Room. Maybe Daryl’s Stalker will vote

5 Adam Morrison v 12 Monopoly Guy

Adam Morrison
Occupation: Basketball Player
Mustache Type: Uber Cheesy Wispy
Details: Another terrible stache. Except Morrison knows it sucks, and revels in it. His mustache give him power. The power to sit on the bench. However, he will still somehow go down in history as a NBA World Champion. That is a lot of clout to bring to the GME Table. Fate is cruel sometimes.

Monopoly Guy
Occupation: Businessman/Entreprenuer/Jim$
Mustache Type: 1940’s Walrus
Details: Rich Uncle Pennybags aka Milburn Pennybags aka Stanley Monopoly has the most expensive mustache in the tournament. Although he was created in the 1940’s, TMG was created in Jim$ image. Sounds impossible, but I assure you it involves a time machine, the space time continuom, a DeLorean, and alternate realities. Further proof: The Monopoly Guy’s wife is named Abby

Rick: Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200
Ostrowe: Adam Morrison was great in Almost Famous. It’s going to be great when he gets found with a bunch of dead hookers buried in his backyard. Monopoly Guy’s mustache is quite wealthy
whereas Morrison’s looks like it is made up entirely of dirt
Rick: The Monopoly Guy was based on Jim$. The Parker Brother’s also invented time machines
Ostrowe: I wish I could tell you the Monopoly Guy fought the good fight and the sisters let him be…I wish I could tell you that
Rick: Morrison will start crying if he loses
Ostrowe: Monopoly Guy will hand him some blue $50 bills to dry those tears
Rick: Morrison wishes he only had to pay $75 in luxury tax

6 Gene Shalit v 11 Earl Hickey

Gene Shalit
Occupation: Film Critic
Mustache Type: Shitshow
Details: No Comment

Earl Hickey
Occupation: Petty Crook/Karmic Believer
Mustache Type: Redneck
Details: Earl’s mustache preceeds his days as a karmic believer. As such, his mustache has been a witness to many crimes. Little known fact, when on trial, Earl tends to play the benvolent card citing the fact that he has never shaved off his mustache. This tactic always gets the jury on his side.

Rick: Shalit is another one who just looks ridiculous. He is more of a cartoon than the Monopoly Guy
Ostrowe: Daryl was adamant about Earl Hickey being included in this competition. Shalit made a career out of bad puns and a bad mustache he looks like Ronald McDonald’s creepy Uncle Buck or The Golden Child molester
Rick: Did Earl have a stroke? it would explain Daryl’s adament nomination
Ostrowe: Your bosses officially put an End of Days to Earl’s mustache
Rick: They took Earl off the NBC List
Ostrowe: Let’s How She Move on to the next round, these puns are Killing Me Softly (I don’t even think that last one was a movie title)

7 The Giambi Stache v 10 Rod Farva

Jason Giambi
Occupation: Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Boli
Details: Sorry. What I couldn’t hear what you said…Giambi took steroids…really? I don’t believe you sir. The guy you are looking for is clean shaven. This here is an innocent man.

Rod Farva
Occupation: Vermont State Trooper
Mustache Type: Litercola
Details: Whether throwing kids off a school bus, or calling innocent motorists chicken fuckers, Farva is always out of style with fuzzy lip chick repellent. Meow.

Ostrowe: tough matchup here
Rick: The giambi is stache majestic. it is an awesome mustache grown to be cheesy
Ostrowe: it is definitely more thick and lustrous than the Farva
Rick: Farva’s mustache can be described in one word: Shenanigans
Ostrowe: eeevil shenanigans. that’s a stache unfit for a state trooper. you put that uniform on Giambi, then we’re talking. you see Giambi’s stache walking up to your car with some Aviator’s right above it, you know you’re getting a ticket
Rick: You don’t even try to talk your way out of it. you are shitting your pants
Ostrowe: you wouldn’t even need a lie detector, just have the suspect stare into the mustache. it would compel them to tell the truth
Rick: Giambi plays good cop, and his mustache can play bad cop

8 The Preakness Camera Breaker v 9 Ron Jeremy

Preakness Camera Breaker
Occupation: Douchebag and/or Trucker
Mustache Type: Mischevous Badger
Details: This guy definitely did not have a Funny Cide. Do not Mind that Bird he flipped us, he wears that mustache like a War Emblem. He Charismatically stomped the hell out of our camera. Oh Sweet Barbaro has passed away. Affirmed.

Ron Jeremy
Occupation: Pornstar
Mustache Type: Pornstar
Details: Pornstar

Rick: A battle of opposites
Ostrowe: Ron Jeremy is a gentleman
Rick: a man who doesn’t like getting his pic taken vs a man who has had a lot of pictures taken of him…naked
Ostrowe: if you had a mustache like that you probably wouldn’t want your picture taken either
Rick: If you can’t be proud of your mustache. Shave it
Ostrowe: it is incredibly cheesy. ron jeremy’s mustache has gone through as many incarnations over the years as his hot dog through hallways
Rick: Ron Jeremy invented the mustache ride.
Ostrowe: the Preakness guy invented the camera stomp

Awesome
1 Sal Fasano v 16 Alex Trebek

Big Sal Fasano
Occupation: Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Bag o Donuts
Details: Big Sal’s stache looks like it belongs on either a patrol officer from a downtown precinct or a guido washing and waxing his Camaro in his driveway on a Sunday afternoon.

Alex Trebek
Occupation: Game Show Host
Mustache Type: Superflous
Details: Formerly a staple, Trebek has proven in recent years that he can be equally as pompous and annoying clean shaven.

Rick: Sals Pals are going to come out strong
Ostrowe: Big Sal is famous solely for the stache. Trebek has been sans-stache for several years now. I don’t think he stands a chance
Rick: Trebek is hurt by the fact he shaved it years ago….I mean….what you said. Trebek could confuse him with trivia questions tho
Ostrowe: Big Sal’s stache knows all
Rick: Sorry I just got distracted by The Fasano
Ostrowe: trebek’s odds of moving on in this tournament are in Jeopardy

2 Tom Selleck v 15 Dennis Eckersley

Tom Selleck
Occupation: Actor
Mustache Type: Handsome
Details: Just try and picture Selleck without that mustache. Sure, he’s a decent enough looking guy, but would he have been the 80s heartthrob he was without it? Selleck sans mustache is like Joe Namath on the Rams. Sure it happened, but its best to pretend it didn’t.

Dennis Eckersley
Occupation: Former Baseball Player Turned Analyst
Mustache Type: Investment Banker
Details: Eckersley’s mustache is so innocuous, its quite likely the reason for his success. Imagine standing at the plate with that mustache bearing down on you. Are you going to be afraid? No. It lulled batters into a false sense of security.

Ostrowe: Selleck and Fasano are two very strong 1 and 2 seeds
Rick: There are three contants in the world. Death Taxes and Tom Selleck’s mustache
Ostrowe: although Selleck has shaved the stache on occasion…with disasterous results
Rick: Selleck has probably banged more chicks than Ron Jeremy due to that stache
Ostrowe: when you think mustache, you think Tom Selleck…probably a bad sign that we haven’t even mentioned Eckersley
Rick: Who?

3 Burt Reynolds v 14 Apollo Creed

Burt Reynolds
Occupation: Actor
Mustache Type: Life of the Party
Details: There’s a reason Burt Reynolds was everywhere in the 80s. And that reason resides on his upper lip. You know if that things around, a good time will be had by all.

Apollo Creed
Occupation: Boxer
Mustache Type: Militant
Details: You do not mess with Apollo’s mustache. Do not even look directly at it. If you do it will jump off his face and knock you the fuck out.

Ostrowe: These are two 70s mustache icons
Rick: Apollo is the only black guy in the tournament
Ostrowe: bah, that’s a travesty. although most black guys with mustaches don’t really stand out
they’re neither cheesy nor awesome. they’re just there
Rick: The stache’s also blend in. What is Burt Raynolds signature work
Ostrowe: smokey and the bandit? evening shade?
Rick: It’s bad that I think celebrity jeopardy first
Ostrowe: that’s Turd Ferguson you’re thinking of
Rick: ah yes. What was I thinking

4 Paul Teutul Sr v 13 Ron Burgandy

Paul Teutel
Occupation: Mechanic/Reality TV Star
Mustache Type: Handlebar
Details: Paul can ride his bike with no handlebars, but with a stache like that, you can tell he just chooses not to.

Ron Burgundy
Occupation: Newsanchor/Daytime Love Maker
Mustache Type: 70s Porn Star
Details: Ron Burgundy’s mustache is kind of a big deal. Its very important, has many leather bound combs and smells of rich mahogany.

Ostrowe: Another tough matchup
Rick: I can’t even act like im not impressed
Ostrowe: two vastly different styles. Paul Teutul is the original Big Poppa Pump
Rick: Teutel looks like he belongs on a diversity. (an old old wooden ship)
Ostrowe: Ron Burgundy is the balls. if you put it into context tho, every other guy in the 70s had a mustache like Burgundy
Rick: If Teutul was the biker who punted Baxter. Burgandy would have been eaten by a bear because Baxter would have died on impact

5 Rollie Fingers v 12 Hulk Hogan

Rollie Fingers
Occupation: Former Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Snidely Whiplash
Details: A complete contrast to the Eckersley stache, Rollie confounded batters who were trying to figure out what type of dastardly pitch he would cook up next.

Hulk Hogan
Occupation: Wrestler
Mustache Type: Enhanced Handlebar
Details: Similar to Paul Teutel’s mustache, the Hulkster’s perhaps benefited from a little extra training, prayers and “vitamins”. If you hurt his mustache, then you hurt his pride.

Rick: Rollie Fingers has a signature stache brother
Ostrowe: Rollie Fingers is a strong 5 seed, but is it enough to face down the power of Hulkamania brother?
Rick: It takes a lot of vitamins and a lot of prayers to grow that mustache brother
Ostrowe: hopefully that mustache was not chemically enhanced brother
Rick: Rollie’s might be, brother
Ostrowe: i think the real question is, Whatcha gonna do, when Mustachemania runs wild on you????? Brother

6 Keith Hernandez v 11 Salvidor Dali

Keith Hernandez
Occupation: Baseball Player turned Analyst
Mustache Type: Gentlemanly
Details: Keith’s mustache makes no apologies. It is what it is, and you either like it or you don’t. He doesn’t care. He’s Keith Hernandez.

Salvador Dali
Occupation: Artist
Mustache Type: Surreal
Details: Dali’s mustache is pure mustache automatism, by which he proposed to express the real functioning of mustaches in the absence of all control exercised by reason, outside of all aesthetic and moral preoccupation.

Rick: Dali’s mustache defies gravity
Ostrowe: its surreal, but Keith Hernandez is a gentleman, and you know there’s no gray in his mustache
Rick: Keith’s mustahce helps guide the loogies he spits at people
Ostrowe: bah, there’ was a second spitter on the gravelly road.
Rick: Mr. Gray gets no play
Ostrowe: Salvador Dali was such a great artist he used his own face as a canvas

7 Robert Goulet v 10 Hitler

Robert Goulet
Occupation: Singer
Mustache Type: Storyteller
Details: Goulet’s stache sits perfectly on his upper lip, like a majestic caterpillar. I’m not saying he couldn’t have been the singer he was without it, but it certainly opened doors for him along the way.

Hitler
Occupation: Dictator
Mustache Type: Genocidal
Details: Not content with taking over half of Europe during World War II, Hitler also conquered Charlie Chaplin’s mustache style and made it his own. Its a mustache so defining that people today still live in fear of it.

Ostrowe: I don’t like Goulet’s odds here. even if he wins, Hitler will just take the victory and claim it as his own
Rick: Every day at 3:00 Robert Goulet messes up my stuff on my desk. He is going to use those ninja skills at full force here
Ostrowe: its never a good sign when you have to go up against a guy who’s mustache is so iconic that the style is named after him
Rick: Goulet has such a great, positive body of work
Ostrowe: the Hitler mustache is also a popular style of female pubic hair
Rick: I wouldn’t mind entering that concentration camp
Ostrowe: i think if i ever saw a girl with a Goulet stache I would run out of the room

8 The Cowboy in Big Lebowski v 9 Gomez Adams

Sam Elliot
Occupation: Cowboy
Mustache Type: Wild West
I don’t think the Coen Brothers could’ve picked a better person to play a cowboy. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if they wrote the part with his mustache in mind.

Gomez Adams
Occupation: Investment Professional/Crocodile Farmer
Mustach Type: Creepy/Kooky
Gomez’s pencil thin stache is perfectly befitting the patriarch of a family of odd looking misfits. Either that or a Spanish bullfighter.

Rick: The cowboy is wise. His mustache abides
Ostrowe: another clash of mustache styles incredibly thick vs pencil thin gomez’s mustache is creepy and kooky but it has family values
Rick: The Cowboy stache just festers on his face
Ostrowe: sometimes you eat the stache and sometimes well, sometimes the stache eats you
Rick: Gomez is out of his element
Ostrowe: he looks like a pederast
Rick: Nobody fucks with the cowboy

This has been a joint presentation of Glass Case of Emotion and CTS.