If you don’t know what’s going on, check out this post to catch up. For everyone else, let’s skip the foreplay and get right to round 2
Who has the Greatest. Mustache. Ever?
1 Jake Plummer v 8 Preakness Camera Breaker
Occupation: Unemployed NFL QB
Mustache Type: What the hell is that on Plummer’s face?
Details: Back during the 2005 NFL season, Jake Plummer inexplicably grew a mustache for his team photo, but once the season started it was gone. Upon seeing it, Rick and Ostrowe were simultaneously stunned and in awe. The only downfall to this stache was the lack of longevity.
Preakness Camera Breaker
Occupation: Douchebag and/or Trucker
Mustache Type: Mischevous Badger
Details: This guy definitely did not have a Funny Cide. Do not Mind that Bird he flipped us, he wears that mustache like a War Emblem. He Charismatically stomped the hell out of our camera. Oh Sweet Barbaro has passed away. Affirmed.
Rick: The PCB took out a real pornstar in round 1, now he takes on a fake pornstar in round 2
Ostrowe: The PCB is a retarded hick, whereas Plummer only looks like a retarded hick. Perhaps he will stomp on Jake’s mustache
R: The Snake is very elusive. PCB could have trouble stomping out this opponent
O: The Snake is a good nickname, because Plummer’s stache looks like a snake schized on his upper lip
7 Jason Giambi v 15 Super Mario
Occupation: Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Boli
Details: Sorry. What I couldn’t hear what you said…Giambi took steroids…really? I don’t believe you sir. The guy you are looking for is clean shaven. This here is an innocent man.
Mustache Type: Italian
Details: Mario’s mustache was very pixelaed in his early years but has really come into it’s own in the past few years. His brother is secretly jealous and tries to slip hair remover into his mustache shampoo
O: Belotti. Was. Robbed
R: Mario took advantage of an old Piccinich joke that the current generation was not aware of
O: WHERE’S MIKE BELOTTI’S MUSTACHE??? WHERE’S HIS MUSTACHE??
R: And the more I think of it, Giambi was seeded too low. That. Thing. Is. Epic. Itsa gonna wipa da floor witha Mario
O: It makes him look like a plumber.
R: Except he grew his in real life, whereas Mario’s is a digital representation of a really cheesy mustache.
O: Which stache would the princess pick?
Occupation: TV Tabloid Talk Show Host
Mustache Type: The Hungarian
Details: Geraldo’s stache has a resume as strong as a seasoned MMA fighter. It once acted as a shield when a chair was thrown at his face. And it once scissor-kicked Angela Lansbury. When Geraldo asks two-timing, druggie, asshole boyfriends a question. They tell him the truth.
O: Geraldo’s experience carried him through the first round
R: Geraldo has the power of only being referred to by one name. Never underestimate that. Pele. Lebron. Geraldo.
O: Abby. Shalit had The Right Stuff to advance
R: But Donnie Wahlberg pulled the rug out from under him. Shalit has a Blue Chip mustache
O: He looks like a child molester. He should be a guest on Geraldo’s show. Just don’t let the kids sit on his lap
12 Monopoly Guy v 13 Borat Sagdiyev
Mustache Type: 1940’s Walrus
Details: Rich Uncle Pennybags aka Milburn Pennybags aka Stanley Monopoly has the most expensive mustache in the tournament. Although he was created in the 1940’s, TMG was created in Jim$ image. Sounds impossible, but I assure you it involves a time machine, the space time continuom, a DeLorean, and alternate realities. Further proof: The Monopoly Guy’s wife is named Abby
Occupation: Kazakh Broadcaster/Journalist
Mustache Type: Helter Skelter
Details: Borat’s mustache gives him the authentic creepy foreigner look. It is ungroomed and contains 45% of Kazakstans GDP. With an entire nation backing Borat, he is a force to be reckoned with.
O: The two lower seeds managed to advance creating this matchup
R: Adam Morrison Did Not Pass Go. He did not collect $200
O: I maintain that Borat’s mustache is more of a prop, whereas Monopoly Guy’s is more of a defining characteristic. Once again, Wannstedt coached when it mattered. I think Monopoly Guy gets points for being such a gentleman
R: The monopoly can take out Borat’s legs with his cane
O: His mustache exudes gentlemanliness
R: The monopoly guy is based on Jim$
O: Didn’t we mention that in the first round?
R: It stands to be mentioned again. He is wealthy!
1 Sal Fasano v 8 The Cowboy
Big Sal Fasano
Occupation: Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Bag o Donuts
Details: Big Sal’s stache looks like it belongs on either a patrol officer from a downtown precinct or a guido washing and waxing his Camaro in his driveway on a Sunday afternoon.
Mustache Type: Wild West
I don’t think the Coen Brothers could’ve picked a better person to play a cowboy. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if they wrote the part with his mustache in mind.
R: This isn’t a gimme for Sal’s Pals
O: The cowboy’s is more of a wild and wooly stache, whereas Big Sal’s is like an upside down horseshoe. Neatly kept
R: He got a ringer around his lips for two points. You can’t stop the cowboy stache, you can only hope to contain it
O: Big Sal’s would like to see the cowboy navigate himself out of this tournament with his mustache, and stay there with his shirt
R: It is up to the people
2 Tom Selleck v 7 Robert Goulet
Mustache Type: Handsome
Details: Just try and picture Selleck without that mustache. Sure, he’s a decent enough looking guy, but would he have been the 80s heartthrob he was without it? Selleck sans mustache is like Joe Namath on the Rams. Sure it happened, but its best to pretend it didn’t.
Mustache Type: Storyteller
Details: Goulet’s stache sits perfectly on his upper lip, like a majestic caterpillar. I’m not saying he couldn’t have been the singer he was without it, but it certainly opened doors for him along the way.
O: Goulet took down Hitler in Round 1
R: At 2:30 today I woke up from my afternoon nap and Robert Goulet had fucked up all my shit….AGAIN!
O: If only the allies had known the power of Goulet’s stache, countless lives could’ve been saved in WWII. Meanwhile, tom selleck is incredibly handsome. If Goulet’s stache is strong enough to take down the nazis, Selleck’s could probably take over the world. And mars and venus as well
R: Goulet may lull Selleck to sleep with his melodious lounge voice. As a person Goulet might have the upper hand, but I think Selleck has the upper mustache
6 Keith Hernandez v 14 Apollo Creed
Occupation: Baseball Player turned Analyst
Mustache Type: Gentlemanly
Details: Keith’s mustache makes no apologies. It is what it is, and you either like it or you don’t. He doesn’t care. He’s Keith Hernandez.
Mustache Type: Militant
Details: You do not mess with Apollo’s mustache. Do not even look directly at it. If you do it will jump off his face and knock you the fuck out.
R: Apollo pulled off quite possibly the biggest upset of the first round
O: I pity the fool who voted for Burt Reynolds . . . wait
R: If Apollo loses. He loses.
O: Keith managed to knock off a tough opponent as well in Salvador Dali
R: His mustache is artificially enhanced. The win could be tainted by Just for Men
O: Both survived tight battles in round 1, this could be another one that goes down to the wire
4 Paul Teutul Sr v 5 Rollie Fingers
Occupation: Mechanic/Reality TV Star
Mustache Type: Handlebar
Details: Paul can ride his bike with no handlebars, but with a stache like that, you can tell he just chooses not to.
Occupation: Former Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Snidely Whiplash
Details: A complete contrast to the Eckersley stache, Rollie confounded batters who were trying to figure out what type of dastardly pitch he would cook up next.
R: GET TO THE CHOPPER!
O: I like this matchup. A total clash in styles
R: PT is a bad ass, whereas Rollie Fingers Abby
O: Paul’s mustache gives off a “don’t fuck with me” vibe whereas Rollie’s gives off an “I’m going to tie up your girlfriend and leave her on the train tracks” aura
(piano plays fast tune in the background)
(Full Screen Card) “Egad! Florence is in trouble”
O: Rollie took down Hulkamania in Round 1, and since Paul Teutul is the original Big Poppa Pump, can he possibly stand a chance? Perhaps Big Poppa Paul is your hookup. Holla if you hear me