Who has the Greatest. Mustache. Ever?
1 Sal Fasano v 5 Rollie Fingers
Big Sal Fasano
Occupation: Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Bag o Donuts
Details: Big Sal’s stache looks like it belongs on either a patrol officer from a downtown precinct or a guido washing and waxing his Camaro in his driveway on a Sunday afternoon.
Occupation: Former Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Snidely Whiplash
Details: A complete contrast to the Eckersley stache, Rollie confounded batters who were trying to figure out what type of dastardly pitch he would cook up next.
Rick: A’s vs P’s. A battle that is as old as time
Ostrowe: Imagine if Big Sal was around in Rollie’s heyday. If they ever met on the field it would have been too much awesomeness for the technology back then to handle
R: If Big Sal ever caught for Rollie, it would the greatest battery in the history of the game. Batters would be helpless
O: Both of these guys absolutely destroyed their second round opponents
R: It is unfortunate that Rollie played in an age before HD
O: Or HMD. High Mustache Definition
R: Should be a good match. Classical Awesomeness v Zany Awesomeness
O: Both fan favorites as well
2 Tom Selleck v 14 Apollo Creed
Mustache Type: Handsome
Details: Just try and picture Selleck without that mustache. Sure, he’s a decent enough looking guy, but would he have been the 80s heartthrob he was without it? Selleck sans mustache is like Joe Namath on the Rams. Sure it happened, but its best to pretend it didn’t.
Mustache Type: Militant
Details: You do not mess with Apollo’s mustache. Do not even look directly at it. If you do it will jump off his face and knock you the fuck out.
O: Two 80s mustache icons. Apollo has been involved in some real slugfests in this tournament. Selleck has cruised along to victory, like Magnum cruising the island for chicks in Robin Masters’s ferrari
R: Apollo took down Burt Reynolds in round 1, Selleck is very similar
O: I think Selleck’s stache is more impressive. Burt has been equally as successful stache-less. Whereas Selleck’s success is stache-related
R: Sellecks mustache even translates into Japanese
/Somewhere, Jmac makes a Mr. Baseball reference
O: Apollo’s mustache helped end the Cold War
R: They used it to take down the Berlin Wall. Later it was used in the noose that hung Saddam
O: If his mustache can change, and your mustache can change, then I guess everyone’s mustache can change
1 Jake Plummer v 12 Monopoly Guy
Occupation: Unemployed NFL QB
Mustache Type: What the hell is that on Plummer’s face?
Details: Back during the 2005 NFL season, Jake Plummer inexplicably grew a mustache for his team photo, but once the season started it was gone. Upon seeing it, Rick and Ostrowe were simultaneously stunned and in awe. The only downfall to this stache was the lack of longevity.
Mustache Type: 1940’s Walrus
Details: Rich Uncle Pennybags aka Milburn Pennybags aka Stanley Monopoly has the most expensive mustache in the tournament. Although he was created in the 1940’s, TMG was created in Jim$ image. Sounds impossible, but I assure you it involves a time machine, the space time continuom, a DeLorean, and alternate realities. Further proof: The Monopoly Guy’s wife is named Abby
R: Jake is meeting his toughest challenge yet
O: Monopoly Guy coming off a decisive win over Borat. Our only shutout of the competition so far, I believe
R: The Monopoly Guy’s real name is George Mason
O: I thought it was Mason Florida. Meanwhile, Plummer’s mustache is showing more consistency than he ever did as a QB
R: Look at that thing. It is the Mullets over Miami of mustaches. Hopefully he doesn’t face a similar fate
O: Don’t let Poppers anywhere near the internet
R: Who are these Chinese chickens?
O: Plummer’s stache does resemble that of a wise Chinese sage
R: Is it true the Monopoly Guy was based on Jim$?
O: I feel like we’ve mentioned that before
7 Jason Giambi v 14 Geraldo
Occupation: Professional Baseball Player
Mustache Type: Boli
Details: Sorry. What I couldn’t hear what you said…Giambi took steroids…really? I don’t believe you sir. The guy you are looking for is clean shaven. This here is an innocent man.
Occupation: TV Tabloid Talk Show Host
Mustache Type: The Hungarian
Details: Geraldo’s stache has a resume as strong as a seasoned MMA fighter. It once acted as a shield when a chair was thrown at his face. And it once scissor-kicked Angela Lansbury. When Geraldo asks two-timing, druggie, asshole boyfriends a question. They tell him the truth.
O: I can picture Geraldo’s inflammatory show about steroids in baseball now. Trying to defame his opponent
R: Then Giambi throws a chair at Geraldo’s face in a fit of roid rage
O: Geraldo will claim Giambi’s stache is chemically enhanced
R: Geraldo is the surprise of the tournament so far
O: I think Geraldo’s gotten the benefit of good match ups. He faced two lesser known reporters with similar staches. Geraldo’s stache has the benefit of being on the national stage
R: Geraldo may be less known than Mitch Williams to this generation
O: He’s on Fox News
R: But Mitch Williams is on MLB Network. More younger viewers
O: Moro is the Mitch Williams of beer pong
R: I was the Moro of that Geraldo/Mitch Williams comparison
O: Who does that make the Giambi? Terry?!?!?
R: He’s the Captain!
O: But who has the Captain of Mustaches?
R: Stay Tuned to Covering The Spread