The battle for the Awesome and Cheesy titles is finally upon us. So without further ado, in the words of Michael Buffer, Let’s Get Ready to RUMBLE.

This title bout is scheduled for one fall and is for the COG/CTS/GCOE Cheesy Mustache Championship of the World.

Fighting out of the Bushy Corner

Monopoly Guy

Occupation: Businessman/Entreprenuer/Jim$

Mustache Type: 1940’s Walrus

Details: Rich Uncle Pennybags aka Milburn Pennybags aka Stanley Monopoly has the most expensive mustache in the tournament. Although he was created in the 1940’s, TMG was created in Jim$ image. Sounds impossible, but I assure you it involves a time machine, the space time continuom, a DeLorean, and alternate realities. Further proof: The Monopoly Guy’s wife is named Abby

Fighting out of the Groomed Corner

Geraldo

Occupation: TV Tabloid Talk Show Host

Mustache Type: The Hungarian

Details: Geraldo’s stache has a resume as strong as a seasoned MMA fighter. It once acted as a shield when a chair was thrown at his face. And it once scissor-kicked Angela Lansbury. When Geraldo asks two-timing, druggie, asshole boyfriends a question. They tell him the truth.  

Ostrowe: Cinderella story here

Rick: Two long shots: 12 seed v 14 seed

O: Monopoly Guy has the edge when it comes to experience, but not buy much

R: He also has the money edge

O: If it was up to Geraldo he would go directly to jail

R: We know who Bill O’Reilly will be voting for.

O: Abby? What would the subject be if Geraldo ever had Monopoly Guy on his show?

R: Why does Monopoly Guy tear down houses to build hotels on shitty street in in AC?

O: Maybe something about how his fortune is recession proof? It seems to be working for him

R: Maybe a positive fluff piece about him providing free parking

O: Or something about trouble coming in from out of state

R: He also won a beauty pageant

O: Every mustache dies baby, that’s a fact. But maybe every mustache that dies will someday grow back

R: Have you ever seen a cheesy mustache being dyed for national TV? If you’ve ever seen that mustache, you’ve seen Geraldo. I completely underestimated Geraldo. I am almost ready to jump on his bandwagon. He is like St. Joes, Memphis, and George Mason combined

O: Monopoly Guy has once again proved that our voters are easily influenced by wealth

R: Isn’t he based on Jim$?

O: I have a feeling we may have mentioned that before

The main event is scheduled for one fall and is for the COG/CTS/GCOE Awesome Mustache Championship of the World.

Fighting out of the Grizzled Corner

Big Sal Fasano

Occupation: Professional Baseball Player

Mustache Type: Bag o Donuts

Details: Big Sal’s stache looks like it belongs on either a patrol officer from a downtown precinct or a guido washing and waxing his Camaro in his driveway on a Sunday afternoon.

Fighting out of the Debonair Corner

Tom Selleck

Occupation: Actor

Mustache Type: Handsome

Details: Just try and picture Selleck without that mustache. Sure, he’s a decent enough looking guy, but would he have been the 80s heartthrob he was without it? Selleck sans mustache is like Joe Namath on the Rams. Sure it happened, but its best to pretend it didn’t.

O: Blockbuster matchup here

R: The Main Event

O: 1 vs 2. This is what this contest is all about. Two of the most majestic mustaches known to mankind. I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t know who I’m gonna vote for in this one

R: Tom Selleck kinda looks like Joey Fatone

O: Sal Fasano kind of looks like Chelsea Handler

R: She was on the Maxim Hot 100

O: Big Sal has thick thighs, according to Joyce

R: This matchup is too awesome for words

O: It’s true. The mustaches just speak for themselves

R: It’s like the money in the bank ladder match. You know, no matter what, it is going to be amazing

O: However this matchup turns out, there are no losers here

R: It is up to the panel now

Ready. Set. Mustache.