Jim$ Bachelor Party: Running Diary

The 2009 Gentleman of the Year is set to marry the reigning Gentlewoman of the Year on December 4, 2010. This will be the biggest CoG event of the young decade. As with most weddings, the bachelor party had been planned for months and was a highly anticipated event. The gents were giddy even. We got back from Vegas yesterday, and as tradition dictates, we were required to keep a running diary of the trip.

Wednesday September 22

6:00 P ET – After a day where they made a combined $3.1 Million Dollars, Jim$ and Dmo take off for Vegas on their private jet
8:30 P PT – Jim$ and Dmo arrive in Vegas
8:57 P – Virgil picks up Jim$ and Dmo in a stretch Escalade and brings them to the Hard Rock. They don’t even need to go to the front desk. They are greeted by a red cap at the curb and escorted to their penthouse suite.
9:30 P – Jim$ and Dmo get haircuts and massages in their suite to relax and prepare for the day.

10:03 P – The Gentlemanly Duo goes to Kokomo’s at the Mirage for dinner. Jim$ goes with the Double Rib Lamb Chops while Dmo gets the Lobster Milanaise
11:35 P – Dmo and Jim$ turn down a limo ride with strippers (because they are gentlemen) and choose to walk back to the Hard Rock instead. The Mirage security insists this is a bad idea, but they enjoy interacting with the normies. They give out $50 and 35 autographs each.
11:56 P – They make it back to the Hard Rock and immediately fall asleep after a busy day.
11:59 P – Eric Tucker of Los Molinos, CA takes the $5 bill he got from Dmo and puts it in a slot machine at the Ellis Island Casino and Brewery. He wins $15,000
Thursday September 23
8:00 A – After a refreshing night sleep Dmo and Jim$ wake up to room service. Two Eggs Scrambled with cheese. Hash Browns. Rare Cambodian Breast Milk. The Wall Street Journal. Toothpicks made of 14 karat gold. And a fine horsehair napkin.
9:03 A – Ostrowe lands in Vegas. He grabs some Au Bon Pain at the airport and hops in a cab driven by Virgil.
10:02 A – After checking into his suite, Ostrowe meets up with the other gentleman. They head to the casino floor for some early morning gambling to start the trip off right.
11:22 A – Dmo is up $5, Jim$ is up $15, Ostrowe is up $25. Playing it safe early. Only playing $15 per hand.
11:48 A – The Gentlemanly Trio has lunch by the pool at the Bartolotta Ristorante Di Mare at the Wynn. Dmo has the risotto ai frutti di mare and Jim$ goes with the tagliatelle con porcini.
1:23 P – The gentlemen split up for the time being. Dmo heads to Caesar’s Palace for the SANS Institute Convention on Network Security. Jim$ heads to Bally’s for the Paralyzed Veterans of America Convention and Expo. Ostrowe decides to sit by the pool at the Hard Rock
1:35 P – As Jim$ enters the hall, he is immediately recognized as the man who donates $10,000 a year to the foundation. Everyone also congratulates him on his 2009 Gentleman of the Year title.
2:23 P – Dmo is forced to leave the conference when he is presented a big problem by his boss.
2:32 P – Dmo solves the problem and is given a raise and promotion. He donates 1/10 of his raise (or $5,000) to the United Way.
5:00 P – Poppers and Jurgen arrive in Vegas. Jurgen pays for the cab ride to hotel
5:45 P – The Gentleman meet up at Harrah’s and walk up to the Starbucks counter. They all order a cheeseburger and fries from In & Out Burger. The barista walks to the back of the Starbucks and brings out their burgers.
5:46 P – Josh Humphreys, a CPA from Monroe City, Missouri sees this exchange happen while standing behind the gentlemen. He gets to the counter and orders In & Out as well. The barista shuts him down. He then asks for a large coffee. The barista asks if he means a “venti”
6:15 P – Jim$ and Dmo walk into the WITI/IIBA joint network meeting. They are both led to the stage and give two of the best keynote speeches ever. John Gilbert of Hurricane, UT has his life changed for the better.
7:00 P – The speeches end exactly on time. Standing Ovation.
8:30 P – Mar, Rick, and Daryl arrive. They walk/hitchhike to the hotel since they are so poor.
9:01 P – While walking to “The Beatles Love Cirque du Soleil” Jim$ puts a dollar in the slot machine. He wins $7.
9:32 P – Dmo and Jim$ are shown to a private booth. They are two minutes late, but the performers were waiting for them to arrive. Ostrowe, Poppers, and Jurgen sit with the peasants. Rick is not allowed in. “Bro. Shorts and sneaks. No dice” strikes again.
10:00 P Rick decides to head to the Palms for the NORA Cup Awards at Interbike. Drew Bezanson beats out Jamie Bestwick for rider of the year.
10:05 P – Mar and Daryl sit down at the table. Mar plunks down his life savings and looks to win millions.
11:20 P – For the first time, all the gentlemen are in the same place at the same time. Ostrowe, Poppers, and Jurgen joined Mar and Daryl at their table. Jim$ and Dmo scoff at the $5 limit. But look on with Rick anyway.
11:23 P – All normal people have left our vicinity due to our retardation. However, our dealer Carlos from Henderson, NV loves us
11:36 P – Carlos deals himself 21. Poppers – “Not at the table Carlos”
Friday September 24
12:05 A – The Gentlemen leave the table. Ostrowe Minus $10. Mar Minus $30. Daryl Minus $5. Jurgen Minus $10. Poppers Plus $35. Gives all profits to Jurgen since it was his money Poppers was using.
12:23 A – All the Gentlemen hangout in the suite eating ice cream and fall asleep watching Vegas Vacation.
12:30 A – Mar wakes up and insists on listening to the greatest song of all time before going to bed. Night Fever. He says it makes all the girls take their clothes off. For the record, there are no chicks here. Everyone else leaves. Rick, Mar and Ostrowe have a physical fight over the iPod dock. Mar wins.
9:00 A – The Gentlemen hit up the Lago buffet at Caesar’s Palace. Before the expedition the desert.
10:00 A – Board a bus at the Excalibur and head out on a trek in the desert. We are going ziplining over some gorge. Ostrowe set it up. Might be a ponzi scheme
10:10 A – Jurgen puts Daryl in his phone as Dyral
10:20 A – Text bomb Faux Eddie O. His girlfriend is not happy
10:29 A – It’s so hot
10:30 A – That girl behind the counter is hot
11:00 A – Ostrowe: This van was not made for 30 people.
Mar: Yea it was made for 1 guy and a 13 year old
11:15 A – It’s so hot
11:30 A – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
11:35 A – It’s so hot
12:00 P – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
12:02 P – It’s so hot
12:30 P – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
12:32 P – It’s so hot
12:55 P – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
1:45 P – Back at the Hard Rock. We all head straight for the pool.
1:55 P – Jim$ gets escorted to a fancy cabana to talk stocks with Richard Branson who happens to be in town.
2:24 P – After an action packed morning, the gentlemen all fall asleep by the pool.
3:43 P – Ostrowe and Mar wake up with sun burns reminiscent of past trips to the Preakness
4:01 P – They took our jobs
4:15 P – Can you believe they have The Game of Life on the pool deck? An amazing game ensues. Dmo the athlete lives in the Victorian while Jim$ the banker lives in a trailer home to see how the other half lives. Ostrowe the artist has 6 kids while living in the Tudor while Rick the rockstar lives in a split level.
4:18 P – Mar and Daryl disappear. Poppers head to the sports book
5:15 P – Jim$ wins at Life. Shocker.
5:30 P – We meet up with Mar and Daryl at the tables. Mar is down $100 and Daryl is down $50. Jason is not a gentlemanly dealer. Dmo and Jim$ sit and play 5 hands each and both walk away up $15. Everyone heads back to their room to freshen up for dinner
5:50 P – Crazy singing and fist pumping party starts in the suite when Escapar plays followed by Baby I Like It, DJ Pauly D, Flo Rida, Adam Lambert and T.I
6:30 P – Well. That was gay.
6:31 P – Watch the Jenna Jameson-Jill Kelly scene for old times sake to make things less awkward.
8:15 P – Sit down for a gentlemanly dinner at Delmonico’s at the Venetian. 47 toasts are made to Jim$…by the entire restaurant.
9:45 P – Monumental moment as Rick takes a shot in Jim$ honor as a gift to him. Everyone watches Rick make a face like a 15 year old.
10:00 P – Jim$ is not allowed to pay for the $1050 bill. The rest of the table (except Dmo) is now in debt
10:23 P – While stopping at Walgreens to get energy drink. A man walks in and says “Snowman in the house”
11:00 P – Cue Marathon gambling session at O’Shea’s.
11:13 P – CAPTAIN SIDEBURNS!
11:45 P – The bearded guy from Your Love is My Drug sits down at out blackjack table. He gets blackjack on his first hand. “Blackjack. So easy a caveman can do it”

Saturday Septemeber 25
12:01 A – Dmo, Mar, Jurgen, Jim$ disappear and say they are going to the Mirage to see JWoww. By the time everyone catches up to them, they are on their way back to the Hard Rock already
As expected, the following events don’t have times.
Drunk Mar arms
Dmo just fell asleep on the bar.
Ostrowe shows off his heart tattoo
Your Korean Rummy in a cell
“How’s Abby” bomb Brock
“How’s Abby” bomb Daryl
You’re wealthy fight
Everyone tells the ugly girl that Rick works for NBC
2:15 A – Dmo is wide awake somehow and demands to play blackjack. Mar and Jurgen go play too. Everyone else goes to bed
7:55 A – A belligerent Dmo enters the room and wakes everyone up screaming about how Gerry Oswald is a word who stole our money. All Mar can say is “Titties” and “I’m Winded” after being cut off by his waitress named “Toots”
8:05 A – Dmo gives Daryl a superfly splash
8:30A – Dmo treats everyone to breakfast at Mr. Lucky’s. He has enough hotel credit to cover the whole thing.
8:45 A – Dmo passes out at the table. Ostrowe eats his food.
9:15 A – Dmo, Mar, Ostrowe and Jurgen go pass out in the room. Poppers heads to the sports book. Rick, Daryl, and Jim$ head to the Stratosphere to jump off the top of it.
9:30 A – Jim$ helps a group of senior citizens who are lost. That is why he is the GotY.
10:15 A – It is high up here.
10:16 A – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
11:22 A – Get back to the Hard Rock and everyone is watching the Hangover in the suite.
11:34 A – Head over to the Hofbrauhaus for lunch. Joyce would love this German Beer Hall.
12:02 P – Jurgen has no concept of time on this trip since he refused to set his watch to pacific time.
12:30 P – Time to sit by the pool again. Daryl sits in a chair reading his Kindle.
1:15 P – Rick heads over to Street League. God knows what happens while he is gone
3:30 P – Shane O’Neill wins. Rick runs back to the pool. Apparently he missed Tequilla shots. Jim$ keeps reopening the slide after it is closed
3:34 P – Slide?
3:40 P – Slide?
3:50 P – Slide?
4:00 P – An old man with cataracts is sitting by the pool in pain. Jim$ gives him his sunglasses. What a gentleman.
6:30 P – Rick goes back to the room and Ostrowe is passed out on the ground.
7:00 P – Dinner at Hard Rock. Rick proclaims this as the worst ever dinner with the gentlemen. He enjoys it immensely.
7:05 P – Carlos chant. Followed by Baby chant
7:15 P – SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR (Everbody!)
8:30 P – Heather our waitress convinces us to let her roommate take us to the strip club in a limo. She says he will pay our admission, and for our first drinks
8:50 P – Joey hates us. He pulls away without paying for anything.
9:01 P – As we walk in a stripper says “Oh, Hi Daryl”
9:10 P – Water here is $10 and if you try to use the ATM, there is a $60 fee.
9:15 P – Why are we at a strip club at 9:15?
9:30 P – Daryl gets an intense lapdance from some stripper, Rick feels the need to pay her as well just for watching
9:45 P – Ostrowe gets a lapdance from Daisy from Rock of Love.
10:15 P – We all head back to the Hard Rock and hit up the tables for a few hours
10:35 P – Suga is the coolest dealer of all time
11:00 P – Mar hasn’t been sober since Friday afternoon. Here is a list of the only things he is saying:
Teach me how to Dougie
Terry
Terry vs. Toilet
Pay the kid
Hey Toots
11:45 P – Mar is up $750, Dmo is up $1600

Sunday September 26
1:00 A – The gentlemen part ways again.
9:00A – The gentlemen go to church before football
10:00 A – Get a table at Blondies to watch the games

10:01 A – The Giants game is no where near us, so Daryl goes to sit at the bar alone
10:15 A – This table looks like death.
10:30 A – This table also smells like death
1:15 P – First football games over. Dmo and Mar still hammered so we decide walking back is a good idea.
1:25 P – Stop to get beers for the walk. Rick gets a smoothie.
1:50 P – Everyone crashes in the suite. Dmo sleeps on the floor near the door.
2:30 P – Everyone separates and plans on napping before the night game at Toby Keith’s
4:00 P – Mar and Rick go down early to play blackjack for an hour before catching a cab.
5:02 P – Bump into the most stereotypical New Yorker of all time. Her name is Ta-Ta. Rick, Ostrowe, and Mar stick around to talk to her. She rambles on for 20 minutes talking about how she is fat (she’s not) and how most guys stop talking to her when she tells them she is not looking to hookup. Ostrowe promptly walks away.
5:27 P – While standing on line for a cab Mar turns around to the girls behind us:
Mar: (Points to his arm) I was bit by a zombie
(Rick and Ostrowe lose it)
Mar: Do you think this is a zombie bite or a human bite?
Girl: Neither
Mar: Bueller?
Girl: NEITHER
Mar: Bueller?
5:45 P – Rob is the most gentlemanly bartender of all time.
6:00 P – Drunk Mar and Daryl are laughing about something, but no one knows what. Everyone is curious
6:18 P – After a J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets chant. Mar starts a T-I-T-T-I-E-S chant. It immediately catches on.
6:45 P – Jim$ buys Daryl a Patriot in a mason jar in hopes that Daryl will miss his flight.
8:00 P – Daryl leaves to catch his flight despite having two Patriots.
8:30 P – Jurgen tells the running diary that he would like Ostrowe and Goon to visit him more often in Maryland since they are gentlemen
9:00 P – The Dolphins screw Ostrowe and Dmo out of money. However, Poppers and Jurgen are happy. We pay for $172 of mason jars and the rest of our bill
9:10 P – While walking thru the casino
Mar – Teach me how to Dougie
Woman – Oh I get it, you are an asshole
Jim$ – Hellooo? He was just trying to teach you how to dance.
(Shows her how to Dougie)
Woman – I thought he called me a donkey
Mar – Terry?
9:30 P – Marathon session started in the Toby Keith section of Harrah’s.
10:02 P – Ostrowe claims our dealer, Jennifer from Yonkers, is a tranny.
10:15 P – I can’t believe Drunk Mar is still standing
10:34 P – Ostrowe starts to play the wheel “only because he likes annoying the girl spinning it”
10:35 P – Tigist hates Ostrowe.
10:45 P – 40 hits on the wheel and Ostrowe, Rick, and Poppers start to celebrate. Tigist gets extreme pleasure in not paying Ostrowe since he bet red 40 and not blue 40
10:50 P – Leave Harrah’s so we can catch the 11:15 showing of the Bellagio fountains
11:01 P – It is impossible to control Drunk Mar. You can only hope to contain him
11:08 P – Run through Caesar’s.
11:15 P – Somehow make it to the fountains. Cue Piccinich 7 closing credits
11:45 P – Get back to the Hard Rock and decide we should go to the club at least one night
11:52 P – Drunk Mar “Just stand here. I guarantee we get in”
Monday September 27
12:10 A – We still haven’t gotten in
12:20 A – Jurgen asks Jim$ if he wants to go to Vanity. When Jim$ gives the affirmative, Jurgen takes matters into his own hands. He gives the bouncer some money advice and inspires him to stop doing drugs. The bouncer proceeds to let us bypass the line and enter the club.
12:21 A – Either that or Jurgen said he would buy bottle service. I can’t remember. APR $1600
12:29 A – Somehow Drunk Mar gets into the club. Ostrowe slips the guy $100 saying to bring chicks to our table. The guy doesn’t
12:50 A – Jim$ helps all the other gentlemen find dance partners. Oddly enough, there is a 80 year old woman in the club all alone. Jim$ proceeds to dance with her.
1:15 A – I’m on a boat comes on.
1:45 A – Dynamite gets a great reaction
2:25 A – THE CLUB CAN’T EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW
2:30 A – Jim$: “Rick and Poppers are Clubsters”
2:50 A – Jim$ shizes in Vanity but causes a ruckus when La Bamba starts playing.
3:30 A – Jim$, Rick, and Poppers finally leave. Ostrowe is at Mr. Lucky’s waiting to eat. Mar is playing blackjack. Dmo is playing blackjack somewhere else with Wally. Jurgen is died.
3:45 A – Rick bounces back and forth between Dmo and Mar. Mar is has $375 in chips
3:50 A – Poppers and Ostrowe go to bed.
3:51 A – Mar has $50 left.
3:53 A – Poppers find Jurgen on the phone talking to his bank. There is no one on the other end.
3:58 A – Dmo gets into a fight with Cris Angel.
3:59 A – Cris Angel leaves
4:00 A – Dmo and Wally rant for 5 minutes about how big of a dick Cris Angel is.
4:05 A – Cris Angel comes back
Wally: “Speaking of dicks”
4:15 A – Rick brings Mar upstairs
4:20 A – Jim$ is waiting for his food still at Mr. Lucky’s. Rick joins him for a quick bite
4:45 A – Rick and Jim$ head to bed.
8:00 A – Rick wakes up Mar so he doesn’t miss his flight. For a second, Rick thinks Mar is dead
8:05 A – Mar wonders around the room just saying “Terry vs. Toilet”
9:20 A – Mar actually gets on his plane
9:30 A – Rick has to ice his shoulder do to fist pumping fatigue.
10:00 A – Breakfast at Mr. Lucky’s. Bid farewell to Jurgen and Poppers.
11:00 A – Check out and hang out in Dmo’s room
11:01 A – Jim$ checks his work voicemail and finds a message from Drunk Jurgen.
“Hi I would like to speak to a representative at the front desk so I will call some place else. Thank you. Good Night.”
11:02 A – We listen to the message 30 times. Highlight of the weekend
12:00 P – Why did we book a 4P flight?
1:00 P – Why did we book a 4P flight?
2:00 P – Why did we book a 4P flight?
3:00 P – Why did we book a 4P flight?
4:00 P – Finally leaving Vegas.
11:45 P ET – Land in NY. Dmo loses his phone.

Hello?

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