Song for this post: Self Titled
Ahhhhh. First Sunday of the new football season. We wait all year for this, and when it finally comes, it’s like Christmas and booze cruise rolled into one. As always we will be rendezvousing at Bailey’s and settling in early for a marathon day. Last year the Redskins still offered the hope that they could be undefeated at the days end. Unfortunately a loss during the opening game of the season Thursday night guaranteed that they wouldn’t even make it to Sunday morning as an undefeated team
Rick turns into Ostrowe’s driveway as “Best of Me” randomly starts playing on the radio
Rick, Ostrowe, Jmac, and Joyce arrive at Bailey’s simultaneously around 12:30. Since the Panthers are playing in the late game today, we have at least 7 hours of football ahead of us. Unfortunately Dmo and Mar will be missing today as they are in Vegas banging strippers and winning millions of dollars. Shortly after everyone gets their first round, Moro walks in and makes a scene.
For some reason we have two waitresses this afternoon. One dumpy chick who kinda resembles the chick that cut off Rick last summer and one who, as Ostrowe informs everyone, used to be a stripper at the Big S. Her waitress name is Misty…which may or may not be a stage name. For our purposes, we will assume that her last name is Hyman.
Does that guy have a personalized NY Giants Jersey?
That’s not just any guy, that is Mr. Smith
Personalized jerseys are lame
Rick admits that Jay Glazer and Gus Johnson both fall into the category of guys that he thought were Caucasian until he saw their picture. (Ed. Note: We were able to reach into Rick’s mind and find what he expected these fine gentlemen to look like: Faux Glazer – Faux Gus)
Bailey’s is seemingly undergoing renovations. They have all new TVs but the wall units are only nearing completion. Hopefully they get everything squared away before the games get underway. Knowing our luck, everything will be OK until the 4:00 games when only the Panthers game will be messed up.
Bailey’s offers a dish known as the Table Buster for 4 (aka TB4, aka THE TERRY BUSTER!! (Even though nothing can bust Terry!)). It consists of: “Ribs, half a chicken, and all our BBQ meats.” This dish is so legendary that no one ever has the guts to pull the trigger on ordering one.
Misty Hyman must be a shell of her former self. She also sounds like she has been smoking for the past 30 years. Not the most attractive quality.
JMac has never met Jim$, they are only COG acquaintances. As such, he is eagerly awaiting Jim$’ arrival.
This whole double waitress thing is already annoying. We get double the amount of questions and Misty and Maggie keep getting their signals crossed.
Rick points out the first middle school student at Bailey’s for the season. No sooner after he finishes his statement someone hands her a beer.
(A TB4 struts out from the kitchen)
R – Good God, did you see that sausage?
O – That’s what she said
R – No Homo
Moro predicts the Jets will have an 11-5 season. Everyone is rooting for the Dolphins today to spite him.
Some guy just walked in with a “Rockland Mixed Martial Arts” shirt on. We wonder if he was at BWW last night for the fight. Chuck Liddell got KTFO. But the real insult came when Ostrowe showed up late, stole Joyce’s seat in the crowded bar, then when the bus boy dropped off Joyce’s beer, Ostrowe layed claim to it. All in the span of about 20 seconds. It was perfectly executed like a Tom Brady Hail Mary to Randy Moss. Joyce immediately turned around and stole some drunk guys seat from right under him.
New England looks a little rusty. Got saved on their first drive by a running into the kicker penalty, then Welker fumbled. Good thing they don’t have to worry about Brody Croyle inflicting any damage to them.
Ostrowe orders the nacho platter but when he goes to dump out the sour cream, it stays in one lump, then rolls over the table, and onto the floor, then the sour cream rolled right out the door.
Moro pulls a Moro and won’t stop talking about ordering a special. After 15 minute he finally convinces other people to eat it with him. He also tries to tack on a French Onion Soup (The Captain of Soups) to his order, but unfortunately they are out.
O – Wow, for the first time in known history, Chad Pennington just overthrew his receiver
Moro orders Mild wings with his special. Shocker
Favre throws a bomb to Jerricho Cotchery for a TD. Moro and the rest of the bar erupts. Moro, however, is the loudest out of everyone.
“Cotchery! That’s right! Best fantasy pick of the year!”
We quickly informed him that drafting him in the second round was a terrible pick
Favre is still celebrating. He just looks like a kid out there.
Tom Brady just got his knee taken out and he is being helped off the field. That did not look good. The entire bar stops to watch and a ton of classless NY fans start to clap. Cheering people getting hurt is not gentlemanly. Ostrowe laments over throwing away $110 being that Brady was his first pick in the fantasy draft. (Ed. Post Script: I was reading the reports and found this quote from Randy Moss “It kind of looked bad, I know the show must go on and, hopefully, Matt Cassell is ready to step in.” Does anyone find it odd that Moss refers to his teammate by his full name?)
Bailey’s has added a few new knickknacks to place to add to the aura. All the tables have Pabst Blue Ribbon six-pack cases holding the condiments. This lowers their status. However, they now bring out glasses instead of solo cups. This helps balance out their universe.
Some kid walks in wear his skin tight, Under Armor gear.
J – Man I forgot to bring my Under Armor
O – How can you expect to protect this house?
First Cowboys Bartender appearance of the year. $2 says Ricky will be wearing his Romo jersey for opening day
Willie Parker scoring a TD leads Rick to rant about how last year he didn’t score any. How expected. What’s even better is that he is playing against him this week in Fantasy.
Matt Cassell starts his first possession on his own 1 yard line.
Mike Nugent just blew a 30 yrd FG for the Jets. And he injured himself like a Grammatica.
Some guy just goes nuts over a face mask penalty on Willie Parker and screams that he has Parker on his fantasy team. What kind of pikey fantasy league awards points for penalties against?
Cassell throws a 50 yard pass to Randy Moss! Huge! Maybe the Pats aren’t dead in the water. OK, so maybe it was a 20 yard pass and a 30 yard run but the important thing is that Cassell just looks like a kid out there
We are 4 slices into this Bailey’s bar pie, and we still do not have plates. It is worth noting that we all know that the Bailey’s pie is delivered extremely hot, and we tell each other this, but inevitably at least one person does not heed the warnings and takes a bite regardless. Most of the time Rick is the idiot who burns his mouth first.
Jim$ has still not arrived. The rumor circulating is that his laundry is not done yet. Not that Jim$ does his own laundry, Abby won’t let him leave the house until it is done. Side note: Joyce reveals that he doesn’t do laundry either, but he has mastered the art of throwing dirty clothes into the washing machine
Ostrowe hates the smell of Coors Light on tap
Willie Parker scores TD #2 on the day. Rick curses fantasy
Who had 2:40 pm et for when Joyce would spill beer all over himself?
Cassell throws his first TD of the season. Moss is on the receiving end, maybe he is going to be OK. Oh wait, they are playing the Chiefs, it doesn’t count.
Hines Ward scoring a TD gives Moro another Fantasy boner
A foursome of older women walk in and are immediately overwhelmed. (Ed. Note: I know you can be overwhelmed, and underwhelmed, but can you ever be just whelmed?) Ostrowe tries to lead them downstairs to a calmer, more friendly area, however, they continue to stand in a highly trafficked thoroughfare like a family of deer in headlights. Shortly thereafter, one of the deer wildly flings her arms into Misty while she is carrying 5 sodas and they go everywhere. Misty storms off and the deer run away like this. The entire bar is silent and Ostrowe drops a perfectly timed: “And boom goes the dynamite”
Favre somehow pulls a Manning and throws a prayer that leads to a TD. Damn NY QBs and their leprechauns. Here’s the kicker (no pun intended) Nugent is still hurt so even though it was fourth down, and the Jets were in FG range, they had no one to kick. How is this possible? Can the punter not kick a FG? Or is it a matter of not having a back-up holder? Our table is baffled. This is the one downside to watching in a bar, you don’t gain any announcer insight.
Misty returns, places her head on Ostrowe’s shoulder and asks if she spilled any soda on him. They then share a special caress.
R – You know what is great?
O – Titties
R – Well, yes, but also chairs with backs. Those stools at BWW killed my back last night.
Rick says that he is waiting until Jim$ arrives to get another special. He is ridiculed for wanting to share something special with Jim$
Steven Jackson just got layed out. (Video won’t be available for much longer)
Kellen Clemens, the Jets backup QB is warming up to kick.
Gary Unmarried. A Jay Mohr sitcom. Destined for success.
O – Look at that guy wearing a Green Bay hat outside talking on the phone. He is just having fun out there. He looks like a kid.
M – I’m going to Chicago this week
J – That’s cool. Chicago is awesome. Why are you going there?
M – Business
R – What kind of business do you have in Chicago?
M – Let’s just leave it as business.
Misty brings Ostrowe a beer and is about to place it on the table, but mid place she completely changes direction and places it in his hand. That is service.
Houston, we have Nunzio
The trend of getting a gigantic tattoo of your name on yourself is lame. And it has been spoken
Hutter and his faith in Jon Kitna is actually paying off. Somehow Kitna is performing better than Drew Brees.
Somewhere Pupino is watching the Rams get slaughtered and is screaming at the TV. Do yourself a favor. Take a trip in the wayback machine. Go to last year’s Bailey’s Blog, give it a little CTRL+F and search for “Pupino” You won’t be disappointed.
In a related note, I wish I could CTRL+F this running Diary to see what I have already written down.
Hole in the Wall, yet another Japanese game show turned American is on FOX after football and it looks hilarious. Those Japanese are kooky.
Ostrowe spies a blond chick at the bar that is right up his alley. (Ed. Note: He would later reveal he saw about 5 chicks right up his alley) Unfortunately he is too winded to act upon any attraction.
Survivor Gabon eh?
Big Hit in the Jets game
O – Who was that?
J – T-Pain
Ostrowe orders another beer and for some reason Maggie delivers it. When Misty shows up and sees that everyone is beered, she walks away confused, but Ostrowe gives her a come-hither finger and proceeds to begin double fisting. (Triple if you count Misty)
(Ed. Note: I exaggerate everything. I learned from Dmo) Also I searched YouTube for “Come Hither Finger” to give you fine readers an example of what I mean, and a whole bunch of videos of this guy showed up.
(As Misty walks away)
J – (To Ostrowe) She wants to Morgan your Dan
Moro has never seen something as absurd as the two waitress per table system. They are just like kids out there.
The Cowboys game starts in an hour and it would seems as if the Bailey’s Basement is locked. Without a place to congregate the Cowboys crew looks more confused than this guy. We all anxiously await the arrival of RICKY!
Favre looks like a kid in that Wrangler Jeans commercial. He is just having a lot of fun.
Buffalo fakes a FG and proves that Holmgren is retarded. They literally had a player lined up as a receiver and no one on Seattle noticed.
Let the record show, Moro can not brag about drafting Brian Westbrook since he was assigned to his team being that Moro showed up to the draft late. Lucky for him we are gentlemen and didn’t give him Jericho Cotchery in the first round….oh wait, he did that to himself.
Generic Fat Left Guard #78 on Houston tries to throw himself on a fumble, but instead lands on Sports Bloopers Episode 774
Vince Young is injured so his backup is warming up. Who is that? It’s COCKTAIL! Who knew he was still in the league.
Tony Romo is in a great Pepsi commercial in which he is double the size of everyone else. The real moneyshot is his face at the end of the commercial. Priceless.
Note to Rick: See Fletch
Random screaming always leads to mass confusion
Reggie Bush Touchdown leads to Kim Kardashian on TV which then leads to a round of boos from the table. I hate her.
Some woman walks into the bar wearing a Jets shirt. There are two minutes left in the game, nice of you to show up
Jim$ has been stuck in traffic on I81 for hours. None of us are quite sure where I81 is. Our best guess is that it is the highway which leads out of the abbacoozie
Some random douche walks by as Rick sneezes
R – Man, I must be allergic to douche bags
J – Look who is warming up for Houston, it is Parsley Sage Rosemary Rosenfeld…Wait that doesn’t sound right
O – I think you were looking for Parsley Sage Rosenfeld and Thyme
Ostrowe and Misty interlock fingers. He has officially reached level 2
The Jets are in the midst of blowing this game. Chad Pennington is marching the Dolphins right down the field and Moro is sweating bullets.
RICKY! (w/ bluetooth) doles out hugs to Rick and Ostrowe. It is officially football season. If only he knew we never stopped talking about him.
Lucky for Moro, the Jets hold on. As the clock expires he jumps up and screams:
“Yea! And next week we are going to stick it to the Pats at home! Then the Chargers! Then the Cardinals! Then the Bye Week!”
Some random guy – You just almost lost to the Dolphins and now you are going to beat the Pats?
Misty walks over and tells is how she saw about 10 guys follow the chick that just walked in with their eyes even though she was with a guy. Rick defends the bar by pointing out that with only 50 guys in a room, Dr. Joyce Brothers could walk into the room and at least 10 guys would follow her with their eyes. Misty agrees and points out that she enjoys working football Sundays and has undressed at least 10 guys with her eyes.
If there was a fantasy waitress draft, Ostrowe would take Misty as his sleeper. She has gone above and beyond her call of duty. She has chased two people outside after they forgot stuff and even saved a customer from the embarrassment of walking around with TP on his shoe.
Jake “Bojangles” Delhomme is having a mediocre start to the day, as is Derek “Horse Balls” Anderson.
Abby’s last name is TERRY!
Rick proclaims that Carson Palmer is on the trade block
Apparently, the downstairs has been opened for Cowboys fans since none of them are around anymore
Ostrowe is proclaimed the Captain of Bailey’s since Misty has ignored the rest of the table and focused all her attention solely on Ostrowe. The rest of us peons must deal with Maggie. As a capper, Misty hands Ostrowe a bottle of beer and proceeds to mimic handular sex on the long neck.
And apparently the 4:00 games mark the beggining of Bailey’s Day Care. JMac notices and proclaims, “It’s like Chuck E. Cheese in here” It also marks the start of the male bus boy apparently. One of which looks like the unibomber. Ostrowe wants to hold him down and cut his hair. No homo.
O – I just came out of the stall in the bathroom and there was a kid standing there waving at me and saying Hi
M – It was Misty’s kid. He knows that you are going to be his new daddy.
Fat Hutter is sitting at the adjacent table and Kellen Winslow is still a soldier
Ostrowe tries to convince everybody to get a TB4. No one bites.
M – Maybe Jim$ will show up and he’ll eat one with you
R – JIM$ DIERCKSEN IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR
Jim$ just walked through that door! GNP of Bailey’s just increased one thousand fold.
Jim$ banged Mickie James since they both know Brock
M – Brock isn’t his real name
R – It’s Bill Sjolinder
M – Singleton isn’t his last name either?
J – I just committed a fenalty…wait what? F. I just accidentally checked out a 12-year old
O – I did it on purpose
Tony Romo is starting to celebrate just like Favre. He just looks like a kid out there.
Braylon Edwards wishes that he was on Costas Now talking about the internet instead of dropping passes and screwing over Rick’s fantasy team
As the day wears on, everyone is winded and deflated. 6 hours of football, pizza, and wings really takes its toll on the body.
Ostrowe orders a Misty sandwich. (Ed. Note: He might have just ordered a sandwich from Misty, but that is what the running diary says so I will believe it)
Fox returns from commercial with a bumper of Cletus playing DDR against the Burger King. Pupino rips his eyes out.
Jim$ wants the record to show the table behind him is making fun of Palin and therefore are not gentlemen.
Ostrowe intimidates a little kid to get away from the Juke so that Rick can play “Crazy Game of Poker” followed by “Best of Me” followed by “Crazy Game of Poker followed by “Best of Me” followed by “Crazy Game of Poker followed by “Best of Me” followed by “Crazy Game of Poker followed by “Best of Me”
Jim$ got in trouble at work for sending Dmo a text message from the strip club that said “Twin City Titties.” Rick shows him how to change the setting on his Blackberry to prevent future issues
The BarbeRuben and Bailey’s Pizza have similar mouth-burning/irresistibility charactoristics
Maggie Gyllenhaal is not pleasing to look at. She is even less pleasing in IMAX. She is even less pleasing in lingerie.
O – Where did [Misty] go? I need a fork
R – I think you used the wrong vowel there.
Moro tries to put money on the table and leave before the bill arrives. Quickly the table stops this from happening. It’s called a Moro for a reason. The $70 tip we leave ensures that Ostrowe will have great service for the entire season.
M – (For the tenth time) Look at Laura Okmin! She is smoking!
Joyce – She could have a pot belly
O – Like that would stop any of us
Rick and Ostrowe agree that Fantasy Football sucks
“Crazy Game of Poker” comes on, followed by “Best of Me.” Sadly each song only plays once. Lame.
Apparently Rick is the only person to not get a girls phone number by using an NBC Sports shirt
John Fox proves why he doesn’t not have a Masters in Clock Mgmt.
Dante “Rosario” Dawson is saving the Panthers. AND DELHOMME HITS DAWSON IN THE BACK OF THE END ZONE AS TIME EXPIRES FOR THE SHOCKING VICTORY OVER THE CHARGERS! Wow.
BAHAHA Fox actually puts “Rosario Dawson” as the leading receiver for the Panthers.
We leave Bailey’s at 7:30 effectively ending a 7 hour football marathon.
While driving home through Dominican College, Rick and Ostrowe see:
Anthony Michael Hall, the Breakfast cafeteria
Scott Hall, home of all the alcoholics
Rashard Menden Hall, home of everyone with inflated expectations that they failed to live up to
And scene. A fantastic week one that needs no epilogue.
May the god bless you for ever