Bailey’s – Week 5

A Trivial Pursuit (1979 Edition) match that last till 2AM last night has left everyone fatigued, but nevertheless the thought of an afternoon at Bailey’s is too attractive to pass up.

Rick and Ostrowe arrive 53 minutes before kick-off and find 3 cars in the parking lot. The regular staff is on hand today and within a minute, Rick has a Sprite, Ostrowe has a Bud Light and the Panthers game is on the TV directly in front of him.

Ironman has replaced Cletus as the Fox mascot doing calisthenics on the sidebar. They have done of good job of setting up a storyline that should end nicely with a Triple Threat Match between Cletus, Ironman, and the Terminator at Wrestlemania.

Jillian Barberie has heavily dyed her hair and skin black.

For some reason Rick is using a gel pen to keep the log this afternoon. Ostrowe equates the use of a gel pen to being as effective as watercoloring the log

Scrolling on the Fox Ticker: “John Gruden is sick of Jeff Garcia’s diva act” Has Garcia reached the point where he can act like a diva? The state of the American QB is pretty sad right now.

This morning MTV had a Degrassi Mini-marathon. Greatest. Pre-Game. Show. Ever. Although I do suppose there are even more cast members than the CBS show has, but sadly, they did lose one this morning as JT was once again killed. POR QUE!!!!

In related news, Liberty Van Zant will grow up to look like Pam Oliver

TP Question: Who killed the Cock Robin?
Answer: The Swallow

Last night, Joyce had a cup of coffee to make it through Trivial Pursuit. He is still feeling the effects as his hand won’t stop shaking. Appropriately he orders a coke from Misty

A FNL promo is shown during a commercial break and Rick violently looks away.

Hutter enters using the front door…which is ironically behind us

That really isn’t irony

JMac hates both Cletus and Dipping Dots. He just wants to know when Dipping Dots will become the ice cream of the present

Cletus is now walking around during the billboard animations holding a bat. Probably for the triple threat match. Side note: I find myself watching Cletus during the billboard reads thus not paying attention to the advertisers. They might want to look into that.

Hutter gets smoked meat stuck between his teeth. He wishes they had floss on the table

Ostrowe nominates Smock for “Greatest Word Ever.” Pricewaterhouse Cooper will be counting the votes

Delhomme sells a roughing the passer call better than most jobbers

The Panthers game is experiencing some technical difficulties due to a sun outage. Please standby

Two, fat, douchebag Giants fans are arguing amongst each other that last years Super Bowl was the greatest ever. Their opinion is a little bias due to the fact that their team won.

Hutter: Is that the table buster?
Ostrowe: No, those are Nachos

There is a female Panthers fan here with her family. She screams at the top of her lungs after the Panthers do anything remotely productive. This is going to get old fast. Ostrowe loves being associated with them.

Cletus is now fighting with the Burger King. Triple Threat match now bumped up to Fatal-4-Way, Hell in a Cell

Misty’s Touchy-Feely games with Ostrowe have begun

Ostrowe wants to know why the guy in the NY Smoking commercial has a voice box with a Spanish accent. Does that exist?

Hutter is dressed like Steve Bartman today

Fox just did a feature on Pee-Wee football that was shot in HD, meanwhile, CBS still does some games in SD

Ostrowe screams out “Colts & Texans.” He is in utter shock that there is a good game on TV.

Dmo just sent me this video. If you remember Mr. Perfect, you will enjoy.

Parsley, Sage, Rosenfeld does not have enough Thyme to try to save this game that he completely botched. Sage must have either the Colts D on his fantasy team or he is playing against himself

The aforementioned Panthers fan skipped out on her bill because she didn’t think pint beers should cost more than 12 ounce beers

Ostrowe: Jerheme Urban is white?! I am screwed

The Cincinnati starting defensive lineup feature DH. Jones

Joyce went outside to talk on his phone and walked back in with Moro. Business just picked up

“The Bills are losing, the pats are losing, my fantasy team won; It’s a good day to be Moro!”

A Felix Jones run elicits a “Son of a coach” from JMac

MBIII again doesn’t get a red zone carry:
JMac: WTF, MBIII always gets the ball in the red zone
(Cuts to shot of cheerleader)
Ostrowe: I’d like my balls in her red zone

JMac: Have you ever looked at the ceiling?

Moro: Terry could beat the Chiefs single handily
Ostowe: Of course, a captain outranks a chief

According to that fan, the Cardinals are in beast mode

Joyce goes outside to talk on the phone and comes back with Jim$

French Onion Soup is the closer.

A winded bunch decide to leave at halftime. May the god bless you for ever

Bailey’s – Week 4

Ostrowe and Rick walked into Bailey’s at 12:20 to find a table reserved for them. Even more impressive, it was the table that Ostrowe had called about yesterday. The conversation was along the lines of: “Hi this is Dan, the Panthers fan. Can we reserve the table near the door for tomorrow.” The girl on the other end obviously was confused so we figured it was a 1 in X chance of us having the right table. X being the total number of tables in Bailey’s

On the Left Coast, it is 9:20 AM. It would be awesome to be sitting at the bar, watching football, drinking a beer and eating omelets and French Toast.

This guy is sitting at the bar right now. Yes, he did use duct tape to change his Pennington jersey to a Favre jersey

Tom Seaver is sitting very pensively on the Mets Pre-Game show. A sign of things to come?

Rick and Ostrowe try to guess Hutter’s arrival and departure time today:
R – 2:45 to 5:10
O – 2:07 to 5:26

Moro sends Rick a text: “Not sure about Bailey’s. I’ll keep you posted” – Translation: Moro is not coming

Misty is wearing a Vernon Ghoulston jersey and pigtails. And she is still talking about losing weight. Somethings never change.

Mike Piazza’s frosted hair (circa 2001) was das ubergeigh

The Fox pregame show today is sponsored by Ironman. This means Ironman will inevitably have a meeting with Cletus. Hopefully it is the second Pupino walks into the bar. That would be UNBELIEVABLE

They have the Mets game on the big screen instead of football….oh wait never mind, no sooner than I wrote that, they changed it to the Jets game

O: Someone needs to fix this pregame epidemic of 800 person desks
R: NBC is doing something about it, they have 900 person desks

Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are working the San Diego v. Oakland game. How is that the best game they have? Sucks to be CBS this week

Ostrowe points out that organizing TVs, tables, and patrons is like one giant sudoku puzzle.

Ostrowe was excited to go green this week. With his new Blackberry, he no longer had to print out his fantasy lineup or picks this week, however, he feels lost without the paper.

CBS has a six person desk right now

There is a four-year old sitting at the bar right now. His dad tells him to be quiet and drink from his sippy cup

Tony Boselli doesn’t look like an ex-football player. He looks like a banker or better yet an actor that plays a football player on TV. Disney plans on training him to take over for Dennis Quaid in all their sports movies

Turns out the four-year old at the bar is Little Bailey

Watching Sunday Ticket becomes painful when FNL commercial come on since Rick doesn’t have DirecTV and therefore can’t see the first-run of the new season on TV

Jets wearing throwback blue jerseys + Fox using green graphics = confusing

Ostrowe’s Blackberry distracts him from a Panthers Defensive TD, however, Ed Hochuli throws a questionable flag for roughing the passer that negates the TD

Hutter shows up at 1:12. Ostrowe wins the Price is Right game

Favre is just looking like a kid out there as he throws a Favre-esque interception. He is having a lot of fun out there

Jacksonville scored on a rushing TD except MJD is not carrying the ball. Ostrowe is confused and upset.
R: Welcome to the world of MJD

Cardinals get called for a Rude Awakening

Daryl is running errands and will not make it out today

Rick’s car has been at the mall since Friday. Known his luck, it is no longer there

Some random guy is standing in front of the Panthers game. Ostrowe gets up and tells him to sit down

Cletus is doing Tai Chi

Anfron walks off the set of The Sopranos and into Bailey’s. His Sweatsuit and wife beater are impressive. They refuse to serve his spaghetti and meatballs

Anfron has started watching Degrassi and he is hooked. Ostrowe’s pyramid scheme strikes again

Ostrowe tries to point out Faux Hutter to Hutter and even though he is less than three feet away, Hutter can’t see him. It is determined that they live in separate time and space continuum’s

Rick makes fun of Hutter’s fantasy team. Hutter responds by asking if Rick has won a game yet. Touche Hutter.

Anfron eats his wings then leaves to go whack someone

Rick’s Tip: If you are in high school and trying to get into a bar, don’t wear a shirt from your high school

O: Whats worse: Being HS kids or us making fun of HS kids when we are ten years older than them

Newborn baby enters Bailey’s. That is a new record.

Misty tries to sit a group of guys at the table with us. We tell her that we have more people coming (an obvious lie). She doesn’t seem to care, but the guys get the hint and ask for a different table

Not five minutes later, some random old guy and his son(?) sit with us. Misty walks by and asks if those are the people we were waiting for. We say yes.

Anfron pulled a reverse Moro. AKA Leaving more money than necessary. What a gentleman

The Marlins just took the lead over. Mets fans now on suicide watch.

The Mets walk-in a second run. SNY shows a Mets fan in the stands holding a gun to his head. How did he get the gun in there…

Hutter creams his pants over a JP Losman jersey

Jim$ Enters!

A 2-Run HR by Beltran sends the bar into a tizzy

Joyce wears jean shorts

Hutter loves the backdoor and Misty loves resting her head on Ostrowe’s shoulder

The Marlins hit two HRs in the eighth and the bar falls deathly ill….I mean silent

A four player collision at the end of the Jets game ends Ostrowe’s fantasy season and Anquan Boldin’s real season. Kurt Warner proceeds to lead a prayer after he almost got his receiver decapitated.

Damon Eisley is the last hope for the Mets season. He walks which brings the tying run to the plate. However, the false hope doesn’t last long as Ryan Church flies out to end the Mets season and drain the bar of all energy

Misty’s service has gone completely downhill. We later find out that her dog has cancer, so she is upset about it. It is a boxer with two years left to live….

The first quarter of the Skins/Cowboys game is almost over and it hasn’t even been on the big screen yet

Misty walks by and pokes Ostrowe in the neck. She obviously wants him to poke her back.

O: Downstairs is deader than Anquan Boldin and Paul Newman

Ostrowe has a Cooley Buddy in the bar. No Homo

Hutter leaves at 5:33. Ostrowe wins again

As Rick and Ostrowe pay the bill, Misty puts a heart sticker on Ostrowe’s hand. Good god she is laying it on thick

Ostrowe drops Rick off at the mall, and his car is still there.

~~[]~~

May the god bless you for ever

Here’s to Football

Song for this post: Self Titled

Ahhhhh. First Sunday of the new football season. We wait all year for this, and when it finally comes, it’s like Christmas and booze cruise rolled into one. As always we will be rendezvousing at Bailey’s and settling in early for a marathon day. Last year the Redskins still offered the hope that they could be undefeated at the days end. Unfortunately a loss during the opening game of the season Thursday night guaranteed that they wouldn’t even make it to Sunday morning as an undefeated team

Rick turns into Ostrowe’s driveway as “Best of Me” randomly starts playing on the radio

Rick, Ostrowe, Jmac, and Joyce arrive at Bailey’s simultaneously around 12:30. Since the Panthers are playing in the late game today, we have at least 7 hours of football ahead of us. Unfortunately Dmo and Mar will be missing today as they are in Vegas banging strippers and winning millions of dollars. Shortly after everyone gets their first round, Moro walks in and makes a scene.

For some reason we have two waitresses this afternoon. One dumpy chick who kinda resembles the chick that cut off Rick last summer and one who, as Ostrowe informs everyone, used to be a stripper at the Big S. Her waitress name is Misty…which may or may not be a stage name. For our purposes, we will assume that her last name is Hyman.

Does that guy have a personalized NY Giants Jersey?
That’s not just any guy, that is Mr. Smith
Personalized jerseys are lame

Rick admits that Jay Glazer and Gus Johnson both fall into the category of guys that he thought were Caucasian until he saw their picture. (Ed. Note: We were able to reach into Rick’s mind and find what he expected these fine gentlemen to look like: Faux GlazerFaux Gus)

Bailey’s is seemingly undergoing renovations. They have all new TVs but the wall units are only nearing completion. Hopefully they get everything squared away before the games get underway. Knowing our luck, everything will be OK until the 4:00 games when only the Panthers game will be messed up.

Bailey’s offers a dish known as the Table Buster for 4 (aka TB4, aka THE TERRY BUSTER!! (Even though nothing can bust Terry!)). It consists of: “Ribs, half a chicken, and all our BBQ meats.” This dish is so legendary that no one ever has the guts to pull the trigger on ordering one.

Misty Hyman must be a shell of her former self. She also sounds like she has been smoking for the past 30 years. Not the most attractive quality.

JMac has never met Jim$, they are only COG acquaintances. As such, he is eagerly awaiting Jim$’ arrival.

This whole double waitress thing is already annoying. We get double the amount of questions and Misty and Maggie keep getting their signals crossed.

Rick points out the first middle school student at Bailey’s for the season. No sooner after he finishes his statement someone hands her a beer.

(A TB4 struts out from the kitchen)
R – Good God, did you see that sausage?
O – That’s what she said
R – No Homo

Moro predicts the Jets will have an 11-5 season. Everyone is rooting for the Dolphins today to spite him.

Some guy just walked in with a “Rockland Mixed Martial Arts” shirt on. We wonder if he was at BWW last night for the fight. Chuck Liddell got KTFO. But the real insult came when Ostrowe showed up late, stole Joyce’s seat in the crowded bar, then when the bus boy dropped off Joyce’s beer, Ostrowe layed claim to it. All in the span of about 20 seconds. It was perfectly executed like a Tom Brady Hail Mary to Randy Moss. Joyce immediately turned around and stole some drunk guys seat from right under him.

New England looks a little rusty. Got saved on their first drive by a running into the kicker penalty, then Welker fumbled. Good thing they don’t have to worry about Brody Croyle inflicting any damage to them.

Ostrowe orders the nacho platter but when he goes to dump out the sour cream, it stays in one lump, then rolls over the table, and onto the floor, then the sour cream rolled right out the door.

Moro pulls a Moro and won’t stop talking about ordering a special. After 15 minute he finally convinces other people to eat it with him. He also tries to tack on a French Onion Soup (The Captain of Soups) to his order, but unfortunately they are out.

O – Wow, for the first time in known history, Chad Pennington just overthrew his receiver

Moro orders Mild wings with his special. Shocker

Favre throws a bomb to Jerricho Cotchery for a TD. Moro and the rest of the bar erupts. Moro, however, is the loudest out of everyone.
Cotchery! That’s right! Best fantasy pick of the year!”
We quickly informed him that drafting him in the second round was a terrible pick

Favre is still celebrating. He just looks like a kid out there.

Tom Brady just got his knee taken out and he is being helped off the field. That did not look good. The entire bar stops to watch and a ton of classless NY fans start to clap. Cheering people getting hurt is not gentlemanly. Ostrowe laments over throwing away $110 being that Brady was his first pick in the fantasy draft. (Ed. Post Script: I was reading the reports and found this quote from Randy Moss “It kind of looked bad, I know the show must go on and, hopefully, Matt Cassell is ready to step in.” Does anyone find it odd that Moss refers to his teammate by his full name?)

Bailey’s has added a few new knickknacks to place to add to the aura. All the tables have Pabst Blue Ribbon six-pack cases holding the condiments. This lowers their status. However, they now bring out glasses instead of solo cups. This helps balance out their universe.

Some kid walks in wear his skin tight, Under Armor gear.
J – Man I forgot to bring my Under Armor
O – How can you expect to protect this house?

First Cowboys Bartender appearance of the year. $2 says Ricky will be wearing his Romo jersey for opening day

Willie Parker scoring a TD leads Rick to rant about how last year he didn’t score any. How expected. What’s even better is that he is playing against him this week in Fantasy.

Matt Cassell starts his first possession on his own 1 yard line.

Mike Nugent just blew a 30 yrd FG for the Jets. And he injured himself like a Grammatica.

Some guy just goes nuts over a face mask penalty on Willie Parker and screams that he has Parker on his fantasy team. What kind of pikey fantasy league awards points for penalties against?

Cassell throws a 50 yard pass to Randy Moss! Huge! Maybe the Pats aren’t dead in the water. OK, so maybe it was a 20 yard pass and a 30 yard run but the important thing is that Cassell just looks like a kid out there

We are 4 slices into this Bailey’s bar pie, and we still do not have plates. It is worth noting that we all know that the Bailey’s pie is delivered extremely hot, and we tell each other this, but inevitably at least one person does not heed the warnings and takes a bite regardless. Most of the time Rick is the idiot who burns his mouth first.

Jim$ has still not arrived. The rumor circulating is that his laundry is not done yet. Not that Jim$ does his own laundry, Abby won’t let him leave the house until it is done. Side note: Joyce reveals that he doesn’t do laundry either, but he has mastered the art of throwing dirty clothes into the washing machine

Ostrowe hates the smell of Coors Light on tap

Willie Parker scores TD #2 on the day. Rick curses fantasy

Who had 2:40 pm et for when Joyce would spill beer all over himself?

Cassell throws his first TD of the season. Moss is on the receiving end, maybe he is going to be OK. Oh wait, they are playing the Chiefs, it doesn’t count.

Hines Ward scoring a TD gives Moro another Fantasy boner

A foursome of older women walk in and are immediately overwhelmed. (Ed. Note: I know you can be overwhelmed, and underwhelmed, but can you ever be just whelmed?) Ostrowe tries to lead them downstairs to a calmer, more friendly area, however, they continue to stand in a highly trafficked thoroughfare like a family of deer in headlights. Shortly thereafter, one of the deer wildly flings her arms into Misty while she is carrying 5 sodas and they go everywhere. Misty storms off and the deer run away like this. The entire bar is silent and Ostrowe drops a perfectly timed: “And boom goes the dynamite”

Favre somehow pulls a Manning and throws a prayer that leads to a TD. Damn NY QBs and their leprechauns. Here’s the kicker (no pun intended) Nugent is still hurt so even though it was fourth down, and the Jets were in FG range, they had no one to kick. How is this possible? Can the punter not kick a FG? Or is it a matter of not having a back-up holder? Our table is baffled. This is the one downside to watching in a bar, you don’t gain any announcer insight.

Misty returns, places her head on Ostrowe’s shoulder and asks if she spilled any soda on him. They then share a special caress.

R – You know what is great?
O – Titties
R – Well, yes, but also chairs with backs. Those stools at BWW killed my back last night.

Rick says that he is waiting until Jim$ arrives to get another special. He is ridiculed for wanting to share something special with Jim$

Steven Jackson just got layed out. (Video won’t be available for much longer)

Kellen Clemens, the Jets backup QB is warming up to kick.

Gary Unmarried. A Jay Mohr sitcom. Destined for success.

O – Look at that guy wearing a Green Bay hat outside talking on the phone. He is just having fun out there. He looks like a kid.

M – I’m going to Chicago this week
J – That’s cool. Chicago is awesome. Why are you going there?
M – Business
R – What kind of business do you have in Chicago?
M – Let’s just leave it as business.

Misty brings Ostrowe a beer and is about to place it on the table, but mid place she completely changes direction and places it in his hand. That is service.

Houston, we have Nunzio

The trend of getting a gigantic tattoo of your name on yourself is lame. And it has been spoken

Hutter and his faith in Jon Kitna is actually paying off. Somehow Kitna is performing better than Drew Brees.

Somewhere Pupino is watching the Rams get slaughtered and is screaming at the TV. Do yourself a favor. Take a trip in the wayback machine. Go to last year’s Bailey’s Blog, give it a little CTRL+F and search for “Pupino” You won’t be disappointed.

In a related note, I wish I could CTRL+F this running Diary to see what I have already written down.

Hole in the Wall, yet another Japanese game show turned American is on FOX after football and it looks hilarious. Those Japanese are kooky.

Ostrowe spies a blond chick at the bar that is right up his alley. (Ed. Note: He would later reveal he saw about 5 chicks right up his alley) Unfortunately he is too winded to act upon any attraction.

Survivor Gabon eh?

Big Hit in the Jets game
O – Who was that?
J – T-Pain

Ostrowe orders another beer and for some reason Maggie delivers it. When Misty shows up and sees that everyone is beered, she walks away confused, but Ostrowe gives her a come-hither finger and proceeds to begin double fisting. (Triple if you count Misty)

(Ed. Note: I exaggerate everything. I learned from Dmo) Also I searched YouTube for “Come Hither Finger” to give you fine readers an example of what I mean, and a whole bunch of videos of this guy showed up.

(As Misty walks away)
J – (To Ostrowe) She wants to Morgan your Dan

Moro has never seen something as absurd as the two waitress per table system. They are just like kids out there.

The Cowboys game starts in an hour and it would seems as if the Bailey’s Basement is locked. Without a place to congregate the Cowboys crew looks more confused than this guy. We all anxiously await the arrival of RICKY!

Favre looks like a kid in that Wrangler Jeans commercial. He is just having a lot of fun.

Buffalo fakes a FG and proves that Holmgren is retarded. They literally had a player lined up as a receiver and no one on Seattle noticed.

Let the record show, Moro can not brag about drafting Brian Westbrook since he was assigned to his team being that Moro showed up to the draft late. Lucky for him we are gentlemen and didn’t give him Jericho Cotchery in the first round….oh wait, he did that to himself.

Generic Fat Left Guard #78 on Houston tries to throw himself on a fumble, but instead lands on Sports Bloopers Episode 774

Vince Young is injured so his backup is warming up. Who is that? It’s COCKTAIL! Who knew he was still in the league.

Tony Romo is in a great Pepsi commercial in which he is double the size of everyone else. The real moneyshot is his face at the end of the commercial. Priceless.

Note to Rick: See Fletch

Random screaming always leads to mass confusion

Reggie Bush Touchdown leads to Kim Kardashian on TV which then leads to a round of boos from the table. I hate her.

Some woman walks into the bar wearing a Jets shirt. There are two minutes left in the game, nice of you to show up

Jim$ has been stuck in traffic on I81 for hours. None of us are quite sure where I81 is. Our best guess is that it is the highway which leads out of the abbacoozie

Some random douche walks by as Rick sneezes
R – Man, I must be allergic to douche bags

J – Look who is warming up for Houston, it is Parsley Sage Rosemary Rosenfeld…Wait that doesn’t sound right
O – I think you were looking for Parsley Sage Rosenfeld and Thyme

Ostrowe and Misty interlock fingers. He has officially reached level 2

The Jets are in the midst of blowing this game. Chad Pennington is marching the Dolphins right down the field and Moro is sweating bullets.

RICKY! (w/ bluetooth) doles out hugs to Rick and Ostrowe. It is officially football season. If only he knew we never stopped talking about him.

Lucky for Moro, the Jets hold on. As the clock expires he jumps up and screams:
“Yea! And next week we are going to stick it to the Pats at home! Then the Chargers! Then the Cardinals! Then the Bye Week!”
Some random guy – You just almost lost to the Dolphins and now you are going to beat the Pats?

Misty walks over and tells is how she saw about 10 guys follow the chick that just walked in with their eyes even though she was with a guy. Rick defends the bar by pointing out that with only 50 guys in a room, Dr. Joyce Brothers could walk into the room and at least 10 guys would follow her with their eyes. Misty agrees and points out that she enjoys working football Sundays and has undressed at least 10 guys with her eyes.

If there was a fantasy waitress draft, Ostrowe would take Misty as his sleeper. She has gone above and beyond her call of duty. She has chased two people outside after they forgot stuff and even saved a customer from the embarrassment of walking around with TP on his shoe.

Jake “Bojangles” Delhomme is having a mediocre start to the day, as is Derek “Horse Balls” Anderson.

Abby’s last name is TERRY!

Rick proclaims that Carson Palmer is on the trade block

Apparently, the downstairs has been opened for Cowboys fans since none of them are around anymore

Ostrowe is proclaimed the Captain of Bailey’s since Misty has ignored the rest of the table and focused all her attention solely on Ostrowe. The rest of us peons must deal with Maggie. As a capper, Misty hands Ostrowe a bottle of beer and proceeds to mimic handular sex on the long neck.

And apparently the 4:00 games mark the beggining of Bailey’s Day Care. JMac notices and proclaims, “It’s like Chuck E. Cheese in here” It also marks the start of the male bus boy apparently. One of which looks like the unibomber. Ostrowe wants to hold him down and cut his hair. No homo.

O – I just came out of the stall in the bathroom and there was a kid standing there waving at me and saying Hi
M – It was Misty’s kid. He knows that you are going to be his new daddy.
+5 Moro

Fat Hutter is sitting at the adjacent table and Kellen Winslow is still a soldier

Ostrowe tries to convince everybody to get a TB4. No one bites.
M – Maybe Jim$ will show up and he’ll eat one with you
R – JIM$ DIERCKSEN IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR

Jim$ just walked through that door! GNP of Bailey’s just increased one thousand fold.

Jim$ banged Mickie James since they both know Brock

M – Brock isn’t his real name
R – It’s Bill Sjolinder
M – Singleton isn’t his last name either?

J – I just committed a fenalty…wait what? F. I just accidentally checked out a 12-year old
O – I did it on purpose

Tony Romo is starting to celebrate just like Favre. He just looks like a kid out there.

Braylon Edwards wishes that he was on Costas Now talking about the internet instead of dropping passes and screwing over Rick’s fantasy team

As the day wears on, everyone is winded and deflated. 6 hours of football, pizza, and wings really takes its toll on the body.

Ostrowe orders a Misty sandwich. (Ed. Note: He might have just ordered a sandwich from Misty, but that is what the running diary says so I will believe it)

Fox returns from commercial with a bumper of Cletus playing DDR against the Burger King. Pupino rips his eyes out.

Jim$ wants the record to show the table behind him is making fun of Palin and therefore are not gentlemen.

Ostrowe intimidates a little kid to get away from the Juke so that Rick can play “Crazy Game of Poker” followed by “Best of Me” followed by “Crazy Game of Poker followed by “Best of Me” followed by “Crazy Game of Poker followed by “Best of Me” followed by “Crazy Game of Poker followed by “Best of Me”

Jim$ got in trouble at work for sending Dmo a text message from the strip club that said “Twin City Titties.” Rick shows him how to change the setting on his Blackberry to prevent future issues

The BarbeRuben and Bailey’s Pizza have similar mouth-burning/irresistibility charactoristics

Maggie Gyllenhaal is not pleasing to look at. She is even less pleasing in IMAX. She is even less pleasing in lingerie.

O – Where did [Misty] go? I need a fork
R – I think you used the wrong vowel there.

Moro tries to put money on the table and leave before the bill arrives. Quickly the table stops this from happening. It’s called a Moro for a reason. The $70 tip we leave ensures that Ostrowe will have great service for the entire season.

M – (For the tenth time) Look at Laura Okmin! She is smoking!
Joyce – She could have a pot belly
O – Like that would stop any of us

Rick and Ostrowe agree that Fantasy Football sucks

“Crazy Game of Poker” comes on, followed by “Best of Me.” Sadly each song only plays once. Lame.

Apparently Rick is the only person to not get a girls phone number by using an NBC Sports shirt

John Fox proves why he doesn’t not have a Masters in Clock Mgmt.

Dante “Rosario” Dawson is saving the Panthers. AND DELHOMME HITS DAWSON IN THE BACK OF THE END ZONE AS TIME EXPIRES FOR THE SHOCKING VICTORY OVER THE CHARGERS! Wow.

BAHAHA Fox actually puts “Rosario Dawson” as the leading receiver for the Panthers.

We leave Bailey’s at 7:30 effectively ending a 7 hour football marathon.

While driving home through Dominican College, Rick and Ostrowe see:
Anthony Michael Hall, the Breakfast cafeteria
Scott Hall, home of all the alcoholics
Rashard Menden Hall, home of everyone with inflated expectations that they failed to live up to

~~[]~~

And scene. A fantastic week one that needs no epilogue.
May the god bless you for ever

Week 4 – Black Sunday

During week two I neglected to keep the tradition of the Bailey Log going and it was a bad call. Last week, I was half dead, that was also a bad call, and I was unable to keep a week three log. This week I made a triumphant return and of course the Skins were on a bye week and only one handsome quarterback was playing on Sunday. Don’t call it a comeback:

I got a late start today. I was finishing up the tailgate movie so by the time I pulled into the parking lot at Baileys it is already 1:45. I walk into Baileys and Moro, Daryl and Annoying guy are sitting at a table and SARS is sitting at the bar.

Moro points my attention to the Mets game where the score is 7-0 in the bottom of the first. The Mets do not have 7.

When I ask where Dmo is Moro points at an empty chair. In Moroese this means Dmo is downstairs.

In my first excursion to the Baileys basement, I don’t really know what to expect. However, when I get there I am pleasantly surprised. It is a quaint, grotto like setting. The only negative aspect is that right now it is filled with Cowboys fans.

Dmo looks like he is going to kill himself as Tony Romo throws an interception. Did I mention Dmo is a die hard Mets fan?

I go back upstairs but can only stay there for five minutes. SARS and I decide to relocate downstairs. I tell Daryl on the way down, but unfortunately he seems to be stuck upstairs.

Ever since week one Ostrowe has been craving the Table Buster for Four. He and SARS are down, but I am not that big a fan of BBQ meats. Dmo may never eat again, so the two of them try to recruit others to share their table buster. No takers.

The Table Buster is like the Super Bowl two years ago for Peyton Manning. One day they will get it.

Perhaps they will let them purchase the Table Buster in installment plans. Not Money wise. Ostrowe and SARS are willing to pay for it all this week, but only receive half of the meat now, and half of the meat at a date to be determined.

Dante Hall just returned a punt for a TD. The Cowboys fans have become deathly ill….I mean silent. In a related story, non-Cowboys fans are shocked Hall is on the Rams let alone in the league.

∫ I just accidentally types this here symbol to the left. It is pretty cool looking. It’s kinda like the Heroes Godsend symbol.

The guy upstairs is the godfather of obnoxious humans.

Romo just had a ridiculous run. This is going to lead to a lot of references to his grandma.

Jersey Steve makes his first Baileys appearance. Literally this is how he introduced himself. He tells us that he has been going to Pieman for 25 years because he likes the bartender. Jesus Christ. This is the type of person that I never want to become. PS I wonder what this chick looks like now after 25 years of being hounded by Jersey Steve.

We all know that I chew my straws, but what SARS gets a Sprite and I throw my chewed up straw into it no one wins.
How about dem Cowboys fans. They must think the Cowboys never go offsides. They almost ripped the TV off the wall.

Cowboys fan are always the first ones to call for a horse collar tackle. That’s because they invented it.

3:1 Odd that these Cowboys fans only have Cowboys on their fantasy teams. Every play the Cowboys make someone screams, “That’s fantasy points for me!”

Ostrowe: Do you think Daryl is still sitting upstairs or did he kill himself?

The Jets have turned losing into an art form. They find fantastic ways to lose each week.

Soon after Ostrowe ventures upstairs, SARS and I follow suit. Ostrowe is startled at how easily SARS can sneak up on you.

Two misplaced guys walk into Baileys in suits and ties.

As the Browns game is finishing we notice the token Baileys Brown fan sitting at the bar cheering the Browns victory. Two weeks ago this guy could have been an entire post himself. While the Browns were busy in their shootout with the Bengals, he was screaming various obscenities at the television. The highlight was: “If the Browns lose this game I am going to shoot everyone in the bar. But I am going to start with myself so no one else has to get hurt.” Pupino might grow up to be this guy.

Bah, who am I kidding Pupino is already dead.

Joining Pupino beyond the grave is Cadillac Williams. His career may be over in which case he can change his last name to ElDorado.

SARS is the godfather of leaving the bar early to pick up a player who had a good game on the waiver wire.

Also at Baileys this week is Eddie C. Ostrowe knows him from the liquor store. I know him from RCC. In short, everything we SAY about Jim$ is actually true about Eddie C. There literally is a helicopter outside waiting to pay everyone’s bill.

If Tom Brady’s head were to fall off during MNF this week, Tony Kornheiser and the rest of the booth would automatically start to talk like a 50’s newsreel. Oh the tragedy.

SARS: People who drive Civics are douchebags
Rick: Hey I drive a Civic!

Ostrowe: I wish (that guy in the) Chad (Pennington Jersey) would move (so I could see some side boob)
Rick: Just throw something at him
SARS: You know he wouldn’t be able to throw it back

After that comment I am going to call it a day. I am still winded from yesterday. Stay Classy Baileys

Post Number 100

This here is the monumental 100th post on the blog. First off I want to thank all those who have supported me from the start. Couldn’t have done it with out you. Now enough of the sap, lets get to it.

Ahhhhhh. Week One of the NFL season. The one day that the Redskins have a better then 30% chance of being at .500 or above. Everything starts anew and impossible is nothing. In my eyes there is only one day of the year that is better than the first Sunday of the season. (For those of you who can’t guess the first day of the NCAA basketball tourney is my favorite day of the year.)

As it has become tradition, NFL Sundays are spent at Bailey’s in Blauvelt. Ostrowe stumbled upon it once when the OBT’s DirecTV stopped working. So yes, Ostrowe is responsible for discovering Bailey’s and Degrassi. That’s quite a combo if you ask me. But enough with the back story, lets get to the Week One Plog (Piccinich Log)

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It’s about 12:30, as I pull up to Bailey’s Ostrowe sends me a text message to proclaim that today is going to get messy. In the parking lot, Moro parks his car and effectively blocks in another car

The first jersey I see upon entering Bailey’s is a Keyshawn Johnson Jets jersey. It was only eight years ago that Keyshawn left the Jets.

Usually Ostrowe and I just sit at the bar because it’s the two of us. However, we are expecting a record breaking crowd which will necessitate us getting a long table of our own.

In attendance: (Favorite team in parenthesis)
Rick (Redskins)
Ostrowe (Panthers)
Dmo (Cowboys)
Moro (Jets)
Sars (Eagles)
Daryl (Giants)
Pupino (Rams)
Ian (Packers)
John Power (Giants)

For the Record: Team Ostrowe is playing Team Pupino today and Team Sars is playing Team Ian.

Eric Gabrielson and his step dad show up and within two minutes have already proven to be annoying enough to make me want them to leave. Just a sampling of things they screamed out loud:
“Where’s the Packer Game” “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” “Is there a tab, do we have a tab, is there a tab” “What is this guy standing for the national anthem for”

Dmo – This guy went to Vegas with Terry
Moro – Do you know how lucky you are?

CBS and their expert analysts think that Jason Campbell will be Mmmm Mmmm Good this season. Let’s hope they are right.

After two plays Clinton Portis is averaging five yards per carry. I’ll take it.


Last year during March Madness, Simmons coined the term, “an urkin.” It describes when multiple games go to commercial at the same time. At 1:09 we just were witness to the first triple urkin.

Have you ever seen a 22 man pile in a football game. Team Sars and Team Ian just had one. Since football is involved this is not as gay as it sounds.

Joey Harrington is picked off and Minnesota returns it for a touchdown. It only took 20 minutes for the feel good story to plunge back to reality.

Wes Welker = Awesome. Too bad I didn’t start him this week.

Waiter – Who got the mozzarella sticks?
(No answer) Who got the mozzarella sticks? (No answer) Who got the mozzarella sticks?(No answer) Who got the mozzarella sticks? Rick grabs the mozzarella sticks
Moro – Hey I ordered those!

The Steelers Defense scores a touchdown.
Moro – Yes I have the Steelers D!!! No wait, I have Jacksonville

Tom Brady = Handsome

If you didn’t know we are all in a Fantasy Football league this year which is relevant for two reasons . 1) This makes football more hectic since you try to watch every game which has implications for you. 2) For once we know 12 people who could fill up an entire fantasy league. Last year the league never got off the ground and two years ago I had three teams in our league and three of the other teams never changed once. Even when players were injured.

I am proud to say that Washington-Miami is easily the worst game of the day right now
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It stands to be noted that Bailey’s will have no quesadillas or wraps. Rumors abound. It is determined that the Mexican chef has the day off. Thankfully the pizza and wing chef is in today. Our table has ordered 36 wings and 3 pizzas for 6 people.

Pupino Moment #1 (Note: All of these moments a yelled out loud for all to hear): “[Orlando Pace is] the best left tackle in football and he’s injured?? That’s unbelievable!”

Meanwhile, Anfron is not in attendance because he is at the Renaissance Faire with Jess. Appropriately everyone sends him a “How’s Evelyn” text message


Moro has two missed calls from Evelyn. Partially because after their bangfest in the Fitzy’s bathroom the other night he is still a little sore and partially because I took his phone and changed my name to Evelyn
I go on a side rant about how Big John McCarthy, the referee from UFC who made popular the phrase “Let’s get it on, ” could probably go into a bar, stand in the middle and say that and have girls just flock to him.

Moro is officially frustrated with the Jets as he screams out: “What are they doing! Terry will never become a Jets fan if they play like this!” Ed. Note: He may or may not have said the second part of that quote.
After playing 29 minutes and 57 seconds of football and scoring a combined 3 points, the Redskins allow the Dolphins to score a TD as time expires. Hat tip to Cam Cameron for going for the seven instead of settling for a field goal. Of course if they didn’t score he would be subject to ridicule and possibly a stoning.

Chuck Frye has already been benched for the season.
Pupino is about to go out for a cigarette but we direct his attention to Adrian Peterson walking into the locker room and his face drops in disgust.

Coming into today we thought having Moro and Pupino in the same place at the same time would have caused some kind of riff in the fabric of existence but so far we have been pleasantly surprised that things are fine.
Ellis Hobbs takes the opening second half kickoff to the house for a 108 yard touchdown. Tied for the Longest. Return. Ever. CBS has a highlight of the return that also holds the record almost instantaneously.

Moro: (Seemingly out of nowhere) That was nice of Tony Romo to give Seattle the win last year
Dmo: Die
That wasn’t even a veiled shot at Dallas. That was pretty blatant.
Some random guy stands directly between Ostrowe and the Panthers game. Surprisingly Ostrowe doesn’t kill the guy. But then again he can still watch Pupino and his reactions to the game and know exactly what is happening.

No one is better at not doing what you ask him to do than Moro. And then afterwards he is oblivious to your taunts. ie: The Cheeseburger and the Napkin
Pennington gets hurt and all the Jets fans in the bar cheer thus echoing the sentiment in the stadium. Somewhere in the background someone screams out “faggot.” Later Keith Olbermann will call the all the worst person in the NFL.

Ostrowe’s Misery = Pupino’s Happiness and Vice Versa
Sars: Your dad is a rapist. That’s awesome

Tom Brady is picking apart the Jets defense like he knows what plays they are running. He is also quite handsome.
Pupino Moment #2: (After the a call is made against the rams) No way! Rumor rumor rumor rumor rumor rumor rumor rumor

Sars: I’d hate to be playing Randy Moss this week. Who has him?
Daryl: I have Randy Moss
Dmo: Aren’t you two playing against each other this week?
Ostrowe: HAHA you’re playing Randy Moss!
Sars: (To Daryl) You’re getting fucked by Evelyn
It is determined that at birth girls can not be named Kelli. In order to exchange and I for a Y you need to earn it. This rule is most assuredly set forth by the association of only hot chicks can be named Kelli.

Moro: Pennington is coming back!?
Pupino: There is no way that is him. Someone just put on his jersey.
Moro turns around and grabs the waitress’ boobs. He claims he was just stretching. Cue 15 straight minutes of harassing him and calling the waitress his girlfriend.

Voice in the distance: Oh no! Not another fucking fumble.
It’s Pupino
Who had 3:10 as the first time Steve Elkington’s putter would be mentioned today?

Another year and Baileys is still half filled with 10 year old kids running around the bar. And that old guy should not be wearing Under Armor. Unless of course he has a strong desire to protect this house.
Ostrowe turns to one of the aforementioned little kids and just says Brett Favre over and over to him.

Moro: You guys blew me for that pick!
In an effort to clear our gentlemanly names I will clarify that Moro was mad that we made fun of him picking Antwan Randel-El and he is currently having a monster game.
Ostrowe: Sars, Do you have Jeff Wilkens?
Sars: Yea
Ostrowe: Well Daryl has Randy Moss
Dmo: And Steve Elkington
Daryl: What?

Jay Touchy Feely is a captain for the Dolphins. Makes sense.
Dmo once again wishes death upon Moro for an unspecified reason.

Anfron stops banging Evelyn at the Faire long enough to send us a text message that says: “How tire the Jets do?”
Moro ever the optimist screams out: “Look at that schedule, they are going to start 0-7.” Ostrowe points out that the schedule is actually kind of easy.

The Rams are a few minutes away from losing to the Panthers. Pupino is on suicide watch.
Congratulations by the way to Sars for capping a dramatic comeback on Friday night and beating Mr. Stanton on the last hand to reclaim the Korean Rummy Championship Belt. Combined Dmo and I won 6 hands all night.

And it’s official, Pupino Moment #3: “The Rams. I’m gonna kill myself. Now I have to go to work all week with the Rams losing”
Moro leaves, but we still keep telling the waitress that her boyfriend left. She come over and talks to us for a bit and tells us that she thought Moro was handsome. Ed. Note: The last part may or may not have happened.

Pupino Moment #4: “Why the hell does the robot need to stretch. He is a robot. He doesn’t have muscles. Why do we need him anyway. I just want to watch football. It’s True It’s True I’m right! If I kill myself it’s your fault”
Pupino Moment #5: “I met this woman in Pearl River the other night. She blew me in her car behind the bar. What a slut! She’s got two kids and one of them is autistic. FUNNY!”

Ostrowe: Any time the Panthers can win and I can rid the world of Pupino it’s a success.
Until next week. You stay classy Bailey’s

Bailey’s Madness

Parsippany.

Everyone knows that there is no better time than March Madness. There is an abundance of college basketball on TV and an abundance of gambling in all workplaces. In the past as tradition we would spend the opening days watching as much basketball as we could, however adulthood has started to interfere. Luckily for myself I work for a sports company so I got to watch the games at work. However, the madness isn’t confined to the weekdays. Whats more, combine the first Saturday of the tournament with St. Patty’s Day and you got yourself one heck of a celebration. This year, the temple of celebration…..Bailey’s.

I thought I was being smart, I was supposed to pickup Melissa and Ostrowe at 2:00 so I left the house at 1:30 so I could account for the bad weather (which is still on my shit list). Of course as expected it took me 30 minutes to get out of my driveway. After picking up Melissa, I called Ostrowe to tell him that we were on his street, he informed that he had heard from Jim$. On a whim, Jim$ decided he was going to fly to Buffalo to watch the Maryland game in person, but JFK would not let his private jet take-off. This left Jim$ irate because he still had to pay his pilot for showing up even though they didn’t fly anywhere. But this did mean that he could meet us at Bailey’s.

When I got to Ostrowe’s house, his driveway was under a foot of snow because his Mexicools had not showed up yet. I parked across the street and Melissa and I watched as he trudged through the snow and across the busy street. As we drove to Bailey’s we expected the worse. St. Patty’s combined with the March Madness DirecTv Package should have equaled wall-to-wall people, but we were pleasantly surprised to get to Bailey’s and find the place empty. It actually took us 10 minutes to decide which table we should sit at. So now at this point it is me, Ostrowe, Melissa and Lindsay. Of course we order the stock Bailey’s Special #1 (Wings, Pizza and a Pitcher for 15 bucks). From the second we got to Bailey’s the basketball games were all fantastic, completely making up for the dismal first two days of the tournament. Ohio State pulled out a miraculous victory over Xavier. But since they are the number one team in the country, that’s what they are supposed to do. We also found out that Melissa often wears pants under her pants.

Next up was the important game. Maryland vs. Butler. At that moment the door opened and in walked Mr. and Mrs. Mohr (carrying a stuffed singing Testudo). Moments later they are followed by Jim$ Himself. Now we have quite the gathering of Maryland rooters. While the Mohr’s are there, we enjoyed telling stories about Dmo and his job which sadly lets him leave work at 12 noon each day so he can spend the afternoon by the pool or drinking on his balcony. Everyone is pounding pitcher after pitcher and it is an all-around good time. Especially when Melissa texts Jim$, who is sitting across the table mind you, with the message: “boobies and titties.” Apparently Mr. Mohr saw the message, but thankfully Melissa didn’t find this out until later.

Now for people who don’t know, Bailey’s, while a bar, can also seem to double as a daycare. No joke, half of the people who go there bring their children with them. And they never seem to come with just one child. It’s like they agree to host a playdate at their house for five kids or so, then after 15 minutes of the kids being there they realize this was such a bad idea so the parent brings them all to Bailey’s so they can get cocked while the kids horse around and the parents don’t have to drop a ton of money on video games like they do at Dave & Busters.

Unfortunately, Maryland loss to Butler which left a sour taste in everyone’s mouth, but then again we were at Bailey’s on St. Patty’s Day. After the game, Mr Mohr so kindly picked up our tab like a true gentleman. Then literally, as the Mohr’s walked out the door, the alcohol buzz hit everyone at the table. Behind closed doors Jim$ came out into the open and like normal was the catalyst for the rest of the day.

In our 8 hours at Bailey’s we ordered around 15 pitchers. And by 6:00 it showed.
in one tirade about the downside of breast reduction surgery, Jim$ grabbed the attention of one of the eight-year-old girls floating around the bar and told her never get breast reduction. Then Jim$, Melissa, and Lindsay got into a spirited discussion of who was the most active. After a good hour debate, I’m still not sure they got anywhere.

Then the aformentioned moms came back into play.
Ostrowe: Excuse me, the next round of whatever those ladies over there are drinking is on me.
Waitress: The ones over there?
Lindsay: Yea, the ones over there with all the babies.
Ostrowe: Shut up Lindsay
The women were so flattered by Ostrowe’s act of kindness that they bought our table a pitcher. And one of the women even came over and thanked us. Her name was Lisa Greico and she was the main focus of Ostrowe’s attention, mostly because like Ostrowe had an affinity for pointing out, “She had titties the size of you head.” Later the two of them would talk again and Ostrowe asked her if she was going to be in Pearl River the next day for the St. Patty’s Day Parade. Her response, “Yes, I’ll be across the street from the bowling alley. With my husband.”

There were a few more encounters with the daycare students at Bailey’s before the host told us to stop cursing. Melissa and Jim$ got picture happy and unfortunatly for Lindsay, she became the focus of all the pictures. Ostrowe, after previously pulling the chair out from under her while she was sitting down, called over two little kids and asked them if they would like to take a picture with her and that they should just stare at her boobs. I’d like to see what happens to these kids when they grow up.

By 8:00 I was winded and figured Lindsay and I could catch a flick after the bar. Jim$ had convinced Ostrowe and Melissa to go to a party with him. Lindsay and I had no desire to go to any party, but we figured we should make sure that they would make it to the party. So we followed them for five minutes….still driving….Melissa calls: “Where are you guys.” “Right behind you Melis.”……..ten minutes…..text from Melissa: “We are behind you.” No you’re not……fifteen minutes….twenty minutes…….where the hell are we going….and we wound up in Pucking Farsippany. I hate New Jersey.