Guest Post

Another Evening with Daryl

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

Since Daryl doesn’t have Gmail access at work, we once again decided to bombard him with questions during the day. Upon returning home, he answered all the questions once again.

#1) Daryl – What will be your first act as the newly crowned GotY?
From Rick

My first act as GotY was to ask Dougla$ to post an acceptance speech on the GotY thread on as I was unable to do so due to Prudential’s proxy. However, I agree that is a passive reaction. My first (active act) act will be to proclaim the first round at the next gentlemanly gathering will be on me.

#2) Daryl – What is your favorite Will Ferrell movie?
From Rick

I have a tough time thinking of a better Will Ferrell movie than “Old School.” In fact, whenever I start drinking under any circumstance, I text my one friend “it’s so good when it hits your lips.” Half the sent items in my SMS log say that.

#3) Daryl – do you think Oswald acted alone?
From Ostrowe

I think Lee Harvey Oswald was just a cog in the machine. The fact he was killed by Ruby leaves little doubt in my mind someone was trying to cover something up.

#4) Daryl – do you think Mar and Dougla$ will ever see the money Gerry Oswald owes them? Also, how’s Steve Elkington’s putter?
From Ostrowe

Wow, a two parter here. I ask the members of the press to refrain from those as my time is limited and I would like everyone to get a chance to answer. I think Mar and Dougla$ are wasting their time compounding interest on that $60 owed to them. I would venture a guess, SARS could correct me if I’m wrong, that the statute of limitations on such a small debt has expired, and they have no prayer of ever seeing that money because of it. Steve Elkington’s putter is doing well.

#5) Daryl – She’s a good girl daryl. You bettah call her. Where are you
gonna go on your first date Daryl?
From Rick

Houlihans based on the facts provided. Way too open ended of a question to give a definitive answer.

#6) Daryl – What is your tea choice at your last meal?
From Poppers

Oolong

#7) Daryl – do you think you’ll ever beat jim$ in creditcard roulette?
From Mar

I am actually 2-1 at credit card roulette in games Jim$ plays in. My lone loss comes to you actually. So yes, I have actually already beaten Jim$ at that game.

#8) Daryl – Where were you when the Hoboken Train Station burned down?
From Rick

It always seems to happen when I’m at the Green Rock, so I was probably right down the street at the Green Rock at the time. I’m sorry I don’t have a better alibi.

#9) Daryl – What is your ideal Joyce Adventure to go on?
From Rick

“I don’t know. I guess I sort of like them all.”

#10) Daryl – How do you make your favorite Martini?
From Joyce

First fill the glass with ice. Fill a boston shaker with ice. Over the ice pour a tiny bit of vermouth (less than half a finger). Next add either Beef Eater or Tanquerai gin or Grey Goose Vodka (gin is preferred, but if I have Vodka that’s OK too). Shake it to combine. Some people contend that bruising a clear liquor is a terrible idea, but I’m OK with it. Pour the ice out of the glass, pour in the, mixed drink while straining the ice. Serve with two olives. No that is not a dirty Martini, Poppers.

#11) Daryl – if you were a hotdog, where would you go?
From Mar

Baseball game.

#12) Daryl – What is your preferred shoe and/or sneaker to wear (if any at all) while boozing?
From Joyce

It depends on the establishment and circumstances. If you catch me on a Friday, there’s a good chance I wore a pair of Nike walking shoes to work and their comfort makes them a versatile boozing shoe. For more upscale venues, or other post work activities, I have a pair of Florshiems that I wear (my general go to work show) and find enjoyable.

#13) Daryl – Are you going to participate in the Gentle-cation? The trip is depending on you
From Rick

Hope to.

#14) Do any of you gentlemen play FIFA ’11 for XBox?
From Eddie O

I do not. Sorry.

#15) Daryl, if you could wear any type of sweater, what would it be? I prefer a cotton full zip cardigan.
From Jmac

Cashmere

#16) Daryl, when you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
From Ostrowe

Until about 8th grade I dominated everyone at football (I was always faster than everyone), I wanted to do that. After I went to a high school with no football team it became rock star.

#17) Daryl – When you grew up, what did you want to be when you were a kid?
From Rick

I’d tell 8th grade Daryl that as a grown up he wants to be a neurologist.

#18) Daryl – what’s your favorite Christmas song?
From Ostrowe

“Oh, Holy Night” – South Park Cast

#19) Daryl – I know you may not be familiar with mass transit since you are
wealthy and have your own limo, but what should I do if the guy on the
subway is standing in my personal space?
From Rick

As the train comes to a stop people are generally off balance. That’s when you “crash” into them which relocates them by a foot or so. Your leverage on the spot should yield your spot, generally no longer contested.

#20) Follow up question for Daryl. after black safter [sic] which two actresses
would you like to see bang in a mainstream movie?
From Rick

If it wasn’t the “Black Safter” chicks, the Black Swan girls would be a solid choice. In real life one of them just broke up with Kevin McAllister. If you wrote “Black Safter” but meant “Black Swan” I would question why no one has arranged for Olivia Wilde and Kate Mara to bang o screen yet.

#21) Daryl – fucking magnets, how do they work?
From Ostrowe via ICP

I think it has to do with the fact that the most magnetic elements are metals and they have extra electrons.

#22) Daryl – In your own words, define true happiness
From Rick

I would never try and define true happiness. If can only think of one thing that makes you happy, then you would be a miserable human being.

#23) Daryl – do you prefer Dean Koontz or Stephen King?
From Ostrowe

Stephen King

#24a) Daryl – MFK Precious, Ke$ha, brittney Murphy (current state)
M: Brittney Murphey (cash in on her estate);
F: Ke$ha (she has a dollar sing in her name, isn’t she already married to Dougla$?);
K: Precious.

#24b) MFK Theresa, the redhead, icebox
A gentleman never tells, so I abstain

#25c) MFK Your stalker, p!nk, siobahn
Wow, that’s hard. M: Pink; F: Stalker; K: SioBAHn

#26) I suggested going to pizza hut for dinner. But Dmo and mar voted against it and we went to burger king. In related news, Wendy’s is the best fast food burger. Daryl – what do you think
From Rick

The fast food burger landscape has changed so much since I stopped eating meat that for me to comment would not be a reflection on its current status.

An Evening with Daryl

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

Daryl is extremely wealthy. A couple of months ago, he got a new job, and said company, who shall remain nameless, blocks gmail in the office. Therefore, the CoG has suffered in his absence. Today, Rick and Ostrowe plotted to ask Daryl a ton of questions to preoccupy all his time when he returned home. IT worked like a charm. The following are the results of this experiment.

Rick: What is the best pizza in the OC?
Daryl: I’m partial to Amendola’s. There is a Cosimo’s that supposedly wood fires it that I need to try, but they are a chain.

Rick: What is your favorite super power?
Daryl: If I had super powers it would be flying super power.

Ostrowe: If you were a robot, would you use your powers for good? Or for awesome?
Daryl: Do you take YOUR face and hands off before YOU go to bed?
(Ed Note: Well played on the Strong Bad reference)

Rick: If you were alone in a room with a naked Abby, what would you do to her first?
Daryl: It would never happen. Dougla$ has bought her time for the next 50 years so I’ve never thought about it.

Ostrowe: In your estimation, where does the NY Metro area end and “upstate” begin? Semi-related follow up, did you know that the tuxedo is so named because it originated in Tuxedo, NY?
Daryl: upstate NY begins around Goshen if going north west. Central Valley if you are going more north than west. Ostrowe, I did in fact know that the tuxedo was invented in Tuxedo, NY. Tuxedo has a gated community called Tuxedo Park. Some of the wealthiest people in America live in there. That was where it was invented. Did you know George F. Baker HS (where I went to high school) was built because Tuxedo Park resident George F. Baker (no relation) lost a hand of cards to George Grant Mason (who later paid to build the elementary school)?

Rick: Who wears a tuxedo better? Sean Connery, Chuck Norris, or the Emperor penguin?
Daryl: I’m going to have to say Chuck Norris. This is because it’s a well known fact that if you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may moments away from death. I fell that by selecting him he may be appeased and spare me since I can’t see him at the moment.

Ostrowe: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?
Daryl: No, I tried to join but when I saw how many forms they asked me to fill out, I said something like “Jesus H. Christ.” They heard that and accused me of being a Catholic which is frowned upon.

Rick: What is the optimum outdoor temp to maximize Ts but minimize sweat. There has to be a formula for this right?
Daryl: You want it as hot as humanly possible. The secret to minimizing sweat is to stand in front of a business with its door open using the escaped AC air to lure in customers.

Rick: The bank teller is named Jeanette. Did you bang her?
Daryl: Don’t think so. (Ed. Note: That wasn’t a definitive note)

Rick: Is it true 7/21/10 7:32P has a special significance to you since you bring home $721,107.32 every day? Yearly salary of $263,204,172
Daryl: The reason why that number seems familiar to you is that’s how many chicks you bang every day. That number exceeds my daily salary by a magnitude of 721107.

Guest Retro Post: Deep Thoughts by Mar

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

#1: In theory, there is no need for stamps if you make the intended address the return address and the return address the intended address (the post office mails to the return address if there is no stamp or insufficient postage)

#2: People who drag their feet when they walk wear out shoes faster than those who do not drag their feet when they walk.

#3: If I wrote down my real deep thoughts, I might lose my reputation of being a fuck-up and a drunk. God forbid if that ever happened.

#4: Clam is an underrated, yet extremely versatile word. (i.e. It’s clammy out today. Hey, clam up over there. Let’s go clamming. I caught four clams…etc.)

#5: All you need to know is what you don’t know.

#6: If I’m Marty Piccinich, and Marty Piccinich was eating lunch with his wife at Chili’s, and Marty Piccinich served Marty Piccinich a bacon burger (medium-well), but Marty Piccinich does not have a wife, then which Marty Piccinich was actually at Chili’s? On a side note, if you were a hotdog and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

#7: Refusing to do things is cool. (i.e. Doing work, waking up, answering the phone, going to class, etc.)

#8: Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. Just let that sink in. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. The terminator is the governor of California. One more time. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California.

Guest Post: True Hollywood Prologue

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

We have a very special post today, written by one half of the most important duo in my life. My Mom!

~~[]~~

Those of you familiar with The Rick’s “Running Diaries” won’t be surprised that his first appearance in such a document occurred a quarter of a century ago today. The author of the running diary was his mother (AKA The Mom) and she was recording the momentous occasion of his birth. For many years, it was believed that the original document was lost in “the black hole” sometime in the mid 1980’s. The Rick’s parents, fearing that the story would be lost forever, began an annual ritual known as “The Telling of the Birthday Story”. However, as often happens with oral tradition, the story changed over the years. With age, memories get fuzzy and changes, additions and deletions were common occurrences. Then, shockingly, during the “Telling of the Birthday Story” in 2007, a new character was introduced and The Mom realized the integrity of the story had been jeopardized. Her goal was to find the original diary since this seemed the only way to preserve the sanctity of the original tale. Last week, The Mom’s persistence was rewarded when she found the missing document. FINALLY, after 25 years, the true and unadulterated “Running Diary of the Birth of The Rick” can be told.

(Cue Wayne’s World Flashback Music)
October 9, 1983

12:15 AM
The Mom (hereafter TM) wakes from a fitful sleep to sound of TV blaring.

12:16
TM remembers weird dream. She had snake like jaws and swallowed a gargantuan basketball which lodged in her stomach.

12:16:05
No dream. She HAS swallowed a gargantuan basketball.

12:16:30
AHA moment. TM has not swallowed gargantuan basketball. She is pregnant. (Ed. Note: No, there was a basketball in there. I have been training to beat Team Rhody since day -270)

12:19
TM successfully waddles to TV. Turns off Season 9 episode 1 of Saturday Night Live hosted by Brandon Tartikoff on NBC. (Ed. Note: I looked up who the hell Brandon Tartikoff was, and it turns out he was a NBC Program Executive who was hired by Dick Ebersol. So basically, asking himself to host SNL was like Jerry Jones telling Wade Phillips that he is going in to kick a game winning Field Goal)

12:19:30
The tyke, disguised as colossal basketball, delivers four vigorous kicks to TM’s internal organs.

12:25
TM settles back in bed for much needed sleep

3:30
TM wakes to discover:
(1) TV is blaring (Ed. Note: Again? Damn Poltergeists)
(2) Tyke disguised as basketball is using TM’s diaphragm as trampoline..

3:31
Bizarre thought: Should TM be concerned about tyke’s meniscus?

3:32
TM turns off Madonna music video on MTV (Ed. Note: This used to be my playground or foreshadowing?)

3:33
Tyke pummels TM’s spleen or some other vital organ.

3:36
TM prays she can get back to sleep

6:30
TM wakes to discover … PAIN?

6:45
Yes pain

7:00
Definitely pain

7:15
That felt like pain too

7:30
More of same. Seems like 15 minutes apart. What were Dr. S’s instructions again?

7:45
TM rolls out of bed and shuffles toward bathroom. Today must be the day. She has been pregnant for 2.5 years.

8:00
TM wakes Mr. C and announces it may be time.

8:00:15
Mr. C (groggily): Time for what?

8:01
TM is not amused. Next time he can be pregnant.

8:02
Realization strikes Mr. C, with such force he bolts out of bed and dresses in 2 minutes 23 seconds

8:04:23
In his haste, Mr. C forgets to don underwear and socks. Car keys in hand, he pushes TM toward door. TM is still in pajamas. Must regroup.

8:10
Regroup. Call Dr. S. for instructions. Dr S. says call him back when contractions are 10 minutes apart.

9:55
Sure seems like contractions are 10 minutes apart.

10:05
Call Dr. S.

10:20
Dr. S says:
(1) Go straight to hospital, Do Not pass Go, Do not collect $200
(2) Don’t eat or drink anything.

10:21
TM suddenly feels hungry. Curiously, she only has the desire to eat butter. Weird.

11:00
En route to Women’s Hospital in NYC. West Side Highway is clear on Sunday morning. Goodie. (Ed. Note: Everything is coming up Milhouse. Apparently the Piccinich Effect is not hereditary…maybe it just skips a generation. Note to self: talk to grandparents)

11:32
Check-in. Nurse has instructions to call Dr. S when TM has arrived.

11:35
TM Pain check: “This ain’t so bad”

12:12 PM
Dr. S arrives and verifies progress of TM and Tyke disguised as gigantic basketball.

12:13
Bad news. Not much progress. Dr. S tells TM to walk around to speed up delivery of Tyke/Basketball

12:30
TM walking up and down corridor with Mr. C.

1:00
TM walking up and down corridor dragging IV stand beside her. Mr. C cheerfully accompanies her. (Ed. Note: The stereotypical mother-to-be in agony, father-to-be blissfully ignorant and anxious)

2:00
More lumbering up and down hospital corridor, dragging IV stand. TM wonders if she has hit the Guinness world record for longest pregnancy in the history of mammals. Mr. C is much too gleeful as he accompanies TM.

2:58
On yet another trek up and down the hospital corridor, dragging IV stand, TM is seized by excruciating painful assault on her internal organs. Every single last one of her internal organs. Cheery, dapper Mr. C. smiles at TM and gaily asks “are you alright.”

2:59
TM is suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to beat the smiling, sockless, Mr. C with the IV stand. Thankfully, the desire quickly passes and the ever merry Mr. C is safe.. for now.

3:10
Dr. S. checks progress of TM and “Tyke who will not be born”

3:11
More bad news. Not much progress has been made. Decision is made to administer pitocin- drug to induce labor. Sounds ominous to TM. Jolly Mr. C. pats TM hand. TM snatches hand away.

3:20
Drug administered. No more walking required.

3:25
Pain check: “Tolerable..”

4:00
Dr. S. attaches device to TM belly to monitor heart rate of tyke during contractions

4:30
TM tries to nap.

6:00
Rumor has it that the visiting area in the hospital is chock full of TM and Mr. C relatives awaiting news from the front. A still gleeful Mr. C departs from TM company with a promise that he will return as soon as he has updated the family with the news that there is yet no new addition to the family.

6:01
Pain check: “Ouch”

6:05
TM thirsty. Thinks – Bananas, strawberries, sorbet, peaches, berries blended together in a potent and nutritious beverage. What a bizarre and random thought.

6:10
Pain check: “Double ouch”

6:29
Pain Check: “EEEEOOOOWWWW”

6:30
Mr. C. returns from visit with relatives and greets TM with a much too cheery “How’s it going?”

6:30:15
TM slowly spins head 360 degrees, looks directly at Mr. C, who has blanched
considerably. TM says: “#$%$#@^^&* ^& ()_)&^$%#$@#%^ &***&%$##@#!$%”

6:31
Pain Check: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW”

6:32
TM respectfully requests drugs

6:33:15
Dr. S: “Are you sure you would like medication?

6:33:20
@@#$%^^%@@#$%^^%@@#$%^^%@@#$%^^%$&*&^$#@##%%^^&**(((&&%!!!
amp;*&^$#@##%%^^&**(((&&%!!!
amp;*&^$#@##%%^^&**(((&&%!!!

6:35
Dr. S approves administration of drugs that will numb TM from waist down

7:00
TM thought there would be no more pain. HA and double HA.

7:01- 8:00
TM passes time cussing, calling Mr. C all kinds of foul names and exclaiming very loudly “Get this baby out of me” (Ed. Note: I would image TM would also unleash a “you did this to me!”)

8:02
Thump, thump of tyke’s heart seems to slow with each contraction.

8:10
Dr. S. examines the strip of paper produced by the fetal heart monitor and frowns.

8:15
Dr. S. orders another fetal heart monitor to replace the one attached to TM belly.

8:30
New monitor is attached to TM belly.

8:32
Pain Check: “Good grief how long is this going to last?”

8:39
Thump, thump of fetal heart slows (Ed. Note: Hello! Someone get me out of there)

8:45
Dr. S examines new strip of paper and frowns again

9:00
Dr. S tells TM and Mr. C. tyke may have cord wrapped around neck. Not a good thing.

9:03
Decision is made to perform Cesarean-section.

9:04
TM crying. Can Mr. C come too? He seems to have forgiven her for the Exorcist imitation and all the nasty things she has called him.

9:05
No time for Mr. C to get ready to go into delivery room.

9:06
TM cries louder.

9:07
TM wailing as she is wheeled down the corridor.

9:15
TM deposited into scary delivery room. More tears.

9:30
Dr. S performing surgery

9:44
Dr. S announces “It’s a boy”

9:44:10
More crying. Happy tears now. TM sure cries a lot.

9:45
TM put to sleep to have abdomen sewn.

10:00
Dr. S goes to waiting room, seeks out Mr. C and announces “You have a man-child”.
(TM Note: In 2007, the veracity of this was questioned when in the retelling, Mr. C, obviously confused and suffering from the beginnings of Alzheimer’s due to his great advancing age, announced that it was not Dr. S who announced this but some unknown Scandinavian doctor with a very serious Hindi accent. The truth is, Dr. S made the announcement as has been verified and confirmed through video tapes of the hospital waiting room. Therefore, this is the definitive story as it will be told and remembered forevermore. Anyone who tries to change the nationality, accent, name or description of the deliverer of this message shall be punished to the fullest extent of the law.)

9:50
Nurse wakes TM and introduces her to her newborn son.

9:51
TM thinks “A quien salio ese nene tan blanco y tan chino?” which is Spanish for
“Huh? My baby is white AND Chinese?”

All You Need To Know About Captains

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

In the course of our travels one evening, Moro randomly began a highly advertised man crush on Terry, and I’m sure if you asked him he would reply, “HOW COULD YOU NOT?!?! DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY WE ARE?!?!?!” Anywho, He refered to Terry as the Social Captain of Rockland County. This idea was new to all of us, but we decided it was not worth going into. Eventually however, Moro talked about it enough that it became part of our lexicon. But in case you were wondering, it still makes absolutely no sense. So what better way to to solve this puzzle than to ask the man, the myth, the legend himself.

Mr. Moro – I was hoping that you could take some time out of your busy day and/or night to answer some questions I have about Captains. Being that you are a foremost expert, I aspire to one day know almost as much as yourself.

1. I have read some of your reports, is it true that Terry was the first “Social Captain of Rockland County” that you identified?
He’s always been the Captain. I just made sure everyone was aware.

2. How did Terry have this title bestowed upon himself?

You see Rick, to be the Captain of an area is an honor. You HAVE to know all the bartenders, HAVE to know all the places to go EVERY night, and HAVE to be aware of events going on in your region. Terry simply knows whats going on – the ins, outs, and secrets of this suburb we call Rockland. Why do you think he gets large tips? It’s an extra Captains fee! Terry was bestowed with this title after the last Captain left Rockland to move to the city.

3. Do Terry’s parents know what they have created? Does Sunra know
how lucky she is?

Yes, yes, and hopefully yes. I sure know that we all know how lucky we are to have such a great leader, and hopefully, those close to him know as well. I mean, did you SEE the standing ovation he got in Fitzy’s on his birthday? That’s no ordinary patron coming in.

4. So these regions you discussed previously, how are they determined?

Great question Rick. Obviously mid-sized to large cities have great nightlife. But a place like Rockland, there is no huge city. Basically places that aren’t a big city (i.e. Chicago, NY, LA, Atlanta, etc.), you start with the County. The County HAS to have a nightlife scene. In Rockland, its Nyack. If a County does not have one town that is the “scene”, you stretch to two counties. Therefore, Rockland is one district. IF, however, one county has a city that has a population of 100,000, that city within the county has its own Captain. Take, for instance, Hudson County in NJ. The city of Hoboken has 100,000 residents, therefore, has to have its own Captain (Jim$). Rockland has no such city of 100,000, therefore, warrants its own County Captain.

5. What happens if one Captain moves into an already occupied district?

Another great question Rick. Let’s say for example Terry moves to Hoboken. Terry certainly has credentials to be Captain, and will expect to be the Captain is his newfound area of residence. HOWEVER, Hoboken has its own Captain – Jim$. In this case, to determine the Social Captain of the region, it is only fair to gather the residents at the best local bar, and watch a drink off between the 2 candidates. We call this game “Power Forever”. Now, the rules state that the invading Captain has to drink 2 shots right off the bat, to give the current Captain a handicap. Which makes sense, because, well, the other Captain is invading the current Captain’s area. So its a drink off, last one standing is the Captain.

6. How many Social Captains are there in America? Worldwide?

LOTS. Worldwide, MILLIONS. There is even a Captain Planet.

7. Who was the first known Captain?

Interesting question. There are many theories of who was the first known Captain. It is unknown at this point who was the first known Captain in America. But there are early reports that the Captains would have drink-offs as early as the 1700s. You think the Revolutionary war was decided on the battlefield?!?!? Get real! It was decided in the bars between the Captains of the American towns and the Captains of the invading British that tried to be Captains. The Americans won most of the Power Forevers, and thus, won their independence.

8. Will you have to kill me upon telling me all this information?

All this information is out there in your local library!

9. How can one start on a path to becoming a Captain?

Internship – by following around a Captain and his daily duties.

10. What kind of duties to Captains have?

Sleeping until 4pm, adding new things to the local menu of a restaurant, visiting the sick, providing inspiration the kids, kissing babies, throwing out the first pitch of local little league games, doing whatever they want, etc. Very broad question here.

11. What other known Captains are hanging around the Tri-State area?

Jim$ is the Captain of Hoboken. Various districts of NYC – Derek Jeter, Jerry Seinfeld, etc. etc.

12. Is this not the most retarded thing that has ever been created?

Debatable (ed. note: Could be a close second to the Pet Rock. But then again it did make a million dollars…)

13. If my dog runs away, would my local Captain be able to help me
track him down?

Depends on the time of day your dog runs away! If he runs away at 2pm, I think you’re out of luck because your Captain is still sleeping! (ed. note: If you local Captain is still sleeping, Moro is available to help. He once found a dog that ran away. True Story)

14. Is there a lot of animosity between Captains?

Only when a Captain tried to invade another Captains’ residence. But overall, all Captains get along. Those National Captains meetings get a little crazy at points.

15. Beep Bop Boop Bip?

Bobby McFerrin is a gentleman. Stewie is the Captain of Family Guy.

16. If Terry is unable to fulfill his duty, who takes his place? What would it take for this to happen? Who else is in the Captain’s Cabinet?

Wally. Hands down! There was enough support for Wally when he was in the running with Terry that he can be a respectable Captain. He has all the features to be a great Captian of Rockland. He lives in Nyack, co-owns and works at a Nyack bar and overall, is a gentleman! However, it would take nothing short of an nuclear holocaust to remove Terry from his position. Terry can’t even get cancer, cancer once got Terry though.
The Captain’s Cabinet is a behind the scenes council and consultants that Terry relies on to inform him of issues within the sectors of his district. They inform Terry of any issues happening in their sectors that could affect the social scene in Rockland County. For example, if a new bar is opening up in Nyack, the Cabinet member of the Nyack sector of Rockland informs Terry that we have a potentially new arena for a social scene. The Cabinet member also informs Terry of risks of this new arena to other existing arenas in Nyack. For example, lets say a new club opens up in Nyack. What is the risk to Black Bear? OVI? Bruxelles? Is this new bar going to cause a danger to the business and social scene of those bars? Assuming Terry approves the opening of this new bar, he may show up for the grand opening, cut the rope to the entrance, and shake hands with the Owner. Some members of the Captain’s Cabinet and their representing sectors include:
Congers – Nick Casanova
Nyack – Chris Moro
New City – Ostro [sic]
West Nyack – Doug Mohr

etc., etc.

17. What does the future hold for Captains?

Interesting question, and I’ve heard many different viewpoints on this subject. There are many different styles of Captains, and, Captains have to alter their styles as the years go on, and Technology grows. The question is best left for the Future to answer. (ed. note: That is deep)

18. What benefits are associated with being a Captain?

Ladies. Lots of them. (ed. note: Obviously some captains get more ladies than others *cough* Jim$ *cough*)

19. Terry and the President of the United States of America walk into Fitzy’s, who gets the table by the megatouch? What about Terry vs. Jessica Alba? Chad Pennington? Chester Taylor? (He scored three touchdowns in one game!!!!)

Terry wins hands down in all those situations. It’s kind of like a “veto” from Congress. Congress can override a veto from the President, and so can Terry if the President walks into Fitzy’s and wants to sit in his chair. Plus, I mean, does the President know he will get his butt kicked from Terry if he takes his chair?!?!? I mean, we’re talking about the Captain of Bergen Catholic lacrosse in 1995!

20. Can Terry call for thunder whenever he needs it? Security!

Thunder is his middle name.

So there you have it folks. Please feel free to pass along and questions or comments you would like Mr. Moro to follow up on. And for the record, after the interview I took a run over to the New City Library to see what information I could dig up on my own. I found out that the institute of Social Captains is one of the more progressive in the history of the world. Notable African American Captains include Jack Johnson, Joe Louis, and Jim Crow. Famous women Captains include Betsy Ross, Pocahontas, and Annie Oakley. But did you know Harriet Tubman was also a multi-region Captain after winning a power forever at every stop on the Underground Railroad?

Dear Gerry,

Posted on by Gentlemanly Productions

This is a first for Covering the Spread, but hopefully won’t be a last. Today’s post is written by Mar. As a quick background Gerry Oswald gave us golf lessons when we were kids and when we got older he asked us to help him run the junior golf camps. I’ll let Mar take it from here. Those easily offended by choice language, cover your ears.

Dear Gerry Oswald,

I hope you still remember me because I sure as hell remember you. You made me watch ELK 95 more times than I can count and I will never be able to recover those brain cells that fell victim to the noxious fumes of your markers on that Zenith television. You taught me about golf – well, at least you pretended to. It seems as if every time my swing progressed, you would fuck it up just so I would have to come back next week for you to fix it. You’re a real prick. You took advantage of the ill-informed parents who just wanted their kids to become better golfers. You are the definition of Capitalism. There should be a picture of you banging Koons (Chevrolet) in the ass in front of every McDonald’s in America. Not only did you rob our parents out of money they thought was helping to develop their kids’ golf games but you personally robbed me you fucking faggot. I want my sixty fucking dollars! I didn’t play camp counselor to 10 year olds for 4 hours for free you son of a bitch. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget about interest. While you were blowing your protégé, Jay Kohlman, and sucking down margaritas by yourself at Chili’s for the past seven years, my sixty dollars has been multiplying. That’s right. At 5% interest you now owe me $84.43, mother fucker. I’ll take that in cash, YESTERDAY, or I will shit and piss all over your practice facility at the 303 driving range. Your move, Oswald.

Go Fuck Yourself :),

Marty Piccinich