We all know about my Perfect Situation. But this right here is the story of Mar.
This past weekend Dmo and Mar decided to venture up to my neck of the woods to take in the establishment that is Springfield College. Unfortunately Mother Nature had other ideas and decided to open the flood gates on the northeast. Before they got here I picked them up 42 beers thinking that would be enough for the night. I had just gotten Degrassi: Season 3 on DVD that morning so I settled in to play Tiger Woods and watch the best show Canadian Network television has to offer.
Now allow me to digress por uno momento. Over the course of the weekend, Mar’s vocabulary was stunted even more than normal. 85% of the stuff that came out of his mouth was either:
- I’m winded
- Janette’s Titties
On the scale of funny, you would have to represent it with the rare reverse bell curve; In essence the “Don’t Stop Believing” bell curve as described by Ostrowe (March 23, 2006: Paragraph 16). It started off pretty funny, then after the first few hours it had negative funny points, then when the lines hit the bottom of the tank the only thing that was possible was for them to get funnier. And funnier they got.
Back to the matter at hand, when the Picciniches arrived I was in the Bevi with Sara so I brought her outside to meet them. At which point the upcoming weekend was defined:
Rick: Bah what’s up Marty
Dmo: Bah not much Marty
Rick: Bah I’m glad you made it
Mar: Bah I’m winded
Rick: Bah what do you guys wan……
Sara: Would everyone please stop saying Bah before every sentence!!
Rick, Mar, Dmo: Bah
Before you ask, yes we are retarded. But only when we are together. Separate we are able to function as normal members of society. But together…….Bah.
When we got to the LC Mar and Dmo needed to be signed in. Of course we couldn’t be serious while doing it:
MF: What’s your name
(Dmo erupts in laughter)
MF: And your last name?
Mar: Does it really matter?
(Dmo laughs harder)
(Dmo almost falls over)
We spent the rest of our first night in Springfield playing Tiger Woods and watching Degrassi Season 3. Granted it’s not the most glorious thing to do but it was a good time. Amanda came over, Jon was there with Dawn and Amber. At one point Brian, Shahid, Julianne and about 3 other people were locked in Brian’s tuna fish can of a room singing show tunes at the top of their lungs, kinda of weird, but I guess that is what polygamists do. We went to bed around one and Mar made the heady move of connecting two armchairs with a coffee table so that he would have a full length bed.
Don’t worry your not missing much…I drive Jon/Amber to the airport at 5 AM……Mar and Dmo watch D3 then Fever Pitch and play Tiger Woods……..
…….While at breakfast Dmo and Mar became enamored with the apple juice but when going to get seconds Mar came back with some very watered down juice which tasted nothing like apples. Then we got a good dose of Todd being Todd:
Dmo: I beat Rick in smackdown last night, and he was Jesus.
Todd: Yea but that Jesus character. You nail him down and he’ll get right back up.
………..Mar is Winded……….Play Tiger Woods………go to White Hut for some delicious burgers
After White Hut we went to the packie so Mar and Dmo could get some more beer. They spent 20 minutes debating what kind of beer to get. I’d put up the conversation but it would be way to numbing for a normal person to stand. If a movie was made about that section of our lives, no one would ever talk to us again.
It took us about 30 minutes to leave the beverage store. That provided plenty of time for Pedro to decide to buy himself a 12-pack. He had a lot of public relations (PR) work to do so he figured he could drink one beer when we got back, and then get to work. In addition he also planned to cook dinner with his girlfriend, we’ll call her MK for arguments sake, and then he had to be on duty at 9. Boozing was out of the question.
So we get back to the LC, and what do we do, sit down to play Tiger Woods of course. Pedro decides to join us for a few holes. Ten minutes later, Dmo gets himself another beer and brings Pedro one of his own. By now we are about five holes deep in a good match when for no good reason I yank the PS2 out of the wall and the game shuts off. Now you have to figure, this is a perfect time for Pedro to stop boozing and get to work. Unfortunately the Way of the Piccinich gets the best of him. A few hours later we are on the 16th hole and Pedro is ten beers deep and quite saucy.
Then things get interesting. MK walks in with pasta and some pots. Pedro gets all stone-faced while we are trying not to burst out laughing. MK starts cooking while Pedro continues to play Tiger Woods. (At this point, just in case you have forgotten, Mar is winded) After his drive he lets out a “do you need help babe?” To which she responds: “Yes, making the sauce.” Pedro then proceeds to look at us and roll his eyes and concedes to making dinner. I think Mar wound up winning the match on a hole-in-one on the fifth playoff hole.
At 7:00 we sat down to watch the third annual Mr. SC pageant. OFT and Harry Balls were the stars of the show in my opinion, but everyone else did a good job as well. During the show Mar ripped some loud, gross smelling flatulence, which almost made me drop the camera, but I was a trooper and survived. Todd’s talent was throwing people and he nearly killed Sara. Literally the first three times she was thrown you could actually sense that the audience feared for her life. But “Don’t worry, she’s a tough cookie.” I have to get that video and put it on here. You will soil yourself if you see it. Then later in the show, this exchange took place: (Disclaimer: I can’t make this stuff up)
Emcee: [something something something] Rob Vine.
Dmo: Which one is Rob Vine?
Rick: The one in the blue jacket.
Dmo: Bah, he sucked, I hated that one.
Emcee: Can we get a spotlight on Rob Vine’s family who are here for support.
(Light shines on the row of 15 people directly behind us from Rob Vine’s family)
After the show we went back to the LC to guess what…..play Tiger Woods. Once we finished our match we decided to hit up the town. We headed over to Paddy’s hoping they had cheep beer and the Mets game on TV. Luckily we found both. We ordered some wings and literally as I put them down on the table some random guy came up to me:
RN: Hey, how are the wings here?
Rick: I don’t know, I have never had them. Let me check. (takes a bite) They are pretty good.
RN: Mind if I try one?
Rick: Uhhhh, no? Take whichever one you like.
RN: Thanks. I’m gonna get some BBQ wings. I’ll hit you up with one.
[Ten minutes later]
Mar: That guy hasn’t given you your wing yet.
Rick: There are still 6 wings on this plate which I am sure we aren’t going to eat, I’m not worried about it. Plus I just gave him the wing in hopes he would stop talking to us.
Mar: Bah, I’m winded.
This is about the time that business picked up. We left Paddy’s and went to the townhouses to a party which Todd and Sara were in attendance at. It started off as I assumed it would. Us standing around talking to each other. But eventually we broke apart and started to mingle with other people. I apologize for the lack of coherence here, but you can rewrite it yourself if you don’t like it:
Mar started to talk to his own Ms. X. And for those of you who know my Ms. X. The “X” stands for the same thing. What are the odds.
Dmo tells Stokes that she was a great Emcee tonight (although she was brutal to that other guy. It almost got to the point where it wasn’t funny anymore). He tells her that his name is “Bud.” She stops the game of beer pong she was playing to announce: “Everyone this guy’s name is Bud!” Two girls immediately run over and hand him a Bud Light just so they can say: “This Bud’s for you.”
Apparently I have a death stare. It was brought to Sara’s attention that anytime she is talking to some guy I send out a stare of death. This of course made her laugh. Now I know Sara is a big girl and she can take care of herself (hell, she could probably take me given the right conditions (that being most of them, these soles are useless)), but I still can’t help but look out for her if she is in the room. But what I really need to do is figure out how to harness this new found stare of death to my advantage.
Mar is still talking to Ms. X(2). And I can’t help but observe from a distance wondering if Ostrowe got this much enjoyment that faithful night at Fitzy’s. At this point MX2’s friend comes up to me and tells me how MX2 just wants to hook up with someone and Mar seems to be her target. Then all of a sudden Mar goes in for the kill…..I mean kiss…..and he connects. Score one for Mar. And right there Mar has disproven the multiple Piccinich axiom. After a few minutes Mar comes up for air but it’s not long until he dives again. This time Sara sees what is going on and is besides herself. She can’t even comprehend what is going and nearly falls over. What good times.
Later in the night I was began chatting with Lisa. She interned with ESPN and since I was with NBC Sports we had a lot to talk about. Sometime during our conversation Mo came over and said Hi and then stood there for a few seconds before walking away. That prompted this exchange:
Lisa: Hey listen if you want to tell me to walk away, just say so.
Rick: Why? This is a good conversation we are having. And we’ve never talked before.
Lisa: Well I don’t want to ruin your game.
Sorry, I had to pick myself up off the floor for a second time. I guess I should be flattered that two separate girls thought I had game. Good times.
By 3:00 it was time to leave because we had to make sure that we would have some place to sleep. I told Mar that he could stay with MX2 and we would find him in the morning, but he just followed us out the door. When we got back to the LC Mar said he left because he was winded. He and Dmo wanted to go back to the party, but neither of them knew how to get there. Dmo slept on the floor using a shoe as a pillow, but he had no excuse as to why he didn’t use the giant pillow that was next to his knee.
When we woke up in the morning we got breakfast and a Cheney worker revealed to Dmo that the apple juice gives everyone the runs. This doesn’t stop Dmo and Mar from getting refills. Afterwards we played Tiger Woods while watching Degrassi (Again). A perfect end to a good weekend. Looking back on it, I should have left Mar behind on purpose since after he left MX2 slept with some other guy. I called Mar to tell him that and rumor has it he was in shambles for the rest of the car ride home. So just know next time something of this sort happens, I am going to leave your ass there for your own sake.
Mar summed it up the best when he got home by saying:
“Bah I cant wait to retire and move into Rick’s dorm”
The ironic part of the entire weekend is that they never actually saw my dorm room.