A Sketchy Sunday

A few weeks ago, Work Mom gave me a James Patterson book that she didn’t have any desire to read. It was called “You’ve Been Warned” & I put it off and put it off until I was out of new books to read. I finally picked it up last Thursday and finished it three days later. That doesn’t mean it was a good book though. It was a page turner, I’ll give it that, but the entire time I was reading it, I was making fun of it. The style of this particular James Patterson book was terrible. The chapters were 2 pages long, and all of them ended with a forced cliff hanger. I was going to try to randomly create a parody, but a weird thing happened Sunday night after reading the book so I will tell you the story in the style of JP:

Chapter 1:
I didn’t get to go to Bailey’s this week.
You would think I would be pissed that I had to work on a Sunday, but as I walk out of 30 Rock into the crisp night, my mind is completely blank. I glance at my phone to see if I have any messages waiting for me, and my face drops.
I immediately quicken my pace…

Chapter 2:
My train leaves in 15 minutes. Normally I can easily make it in 10, but with this bad wheel of mine, I am not as fast as I used to be. I cruise down fifth avenue, past the sketchy pocketbook salesmen and the slow moving tourists.
I make it to the train with not a minute to spare and I am able to sit in my favorite seat.
But then my heart sinks…

Chapter 3:
Where are my car keys?
Oh there they are. False alarm.
Then I gasp…

Chapter 4:
My shoe is untied.
I could have swore I tied it.
But did I turn my computer off…

Chapter 5:
I did.
Or did I…

Chapter 6:
I did. I remember now going through the painfully slow motions with my shitty work computer. With my mind finally at ease, I open up the book and jump as a cockroach falls out of the book…

Chapter 7: (Spoilers Ahead)
I nearly jump out of my seat and realize it was all a dream. Wide awake now, I plow through the rest of the book, which actually has a pretty decent ending. Turns out the main character is actually dead and in hell. Her punishment is to live the final week of her life over and over again. Since the entire book was told in first person, you never get a sense of the main characters faults since in her mind she is a pretty good person. (Except for one glaring exception: the affair she is having with the husband of the kids she babysits) I have said it before, a persons first instinct is to tell a story in a manner where they come out victim. Problems and issues are always somebody else’s fault.
Then I started thinking….

Chapter 8:
What defines a good person? I would consider myself a pretty good person, but at times I know I could come off as an asshole. But I think it’s just because I lack social skills. (Ed. Note: This might be one of those instances where I am trying to paint myself as a victim. I don’t know. I am confusing myself)
Just then, as we pull away from the Ardsley station, there is a loud bang at the door…

Chapter 9:
Startled, I look up and there is a woman pissed off that she fell asleep and missed her stop. I have been there before. Twice actually. The entire two-minute ride between Ardsley and Irvington I felt bad for this woman. You could tell her mind was trying to figure out how to get back to Ardsley without walking. I know from experience that it is usually 30-40 minutes until the next train heading back the other way.
I kept going over ways in my head to offer her a ride back to Ardsley, without looking sounding like a creep/pervert/serial killer. But as we pulled into Irvington, I was unable to speak even though I tried.
She got off the train and I stood there as the door closed and we pulled away…

Chapter 10:
Another minute later we pulled into Tarrytown and I got off, started up my car and started driving home.
But I drove right by the entrance to the TZ Bridge…

Chapter11:
What the hell am I doing. This is even creepier. Driving to Irvington to offer some random person a ride. What the hell would I say? “Hi I was on your train, and I saw you missed your stop. Do you need a ride. I swear I am not going to rape you. Look at me, I’m a wimp. You could take me.”
Or maybe I can show her ID and have her call someone to say who she is with in case something did happen to her?
What the hell am I doing.
I get to the Irvington train station. It is deserted…

[End of JP Mocking]

I honestly don’t know what came over me. That was a weird night. I got home and went straight to bed, and blamed my actions on somebody or something else.

I was just a victim.