Retro Post: Paper Airplanes

My first year at Springfield College (2004-2005) I lived on the the top floor of the tallest building on campus with every single one of my friends. That was the best full year of my college career. (Fall 2006 was amazing). At some point in the year, we realized that we could open one of the windows in the kitchen to afford us an unblocked view of the Mighty Massasoit. I soon realized, “Hey, we can make paper airplanes and throw them out the window and it will be alot of fun.” And that it was. What follows are the Paper Airplane Chronicles. NOTE: After throwing paper airplane, we would go outside to pick up our trash. We were gentlemen after all.

THE LEGEND OF THE PAPER AIRPLANE BELT
In the beginning, no one thought that the belt would ever be attainable. El Dragon poco Diablo
guarded the belt and was unslayable. Then on that dreamy night in September the unthinkable happened, Brain Matthews hit the Massasoit. When the dragon saw that the feat had been accomplished, he relinquished the belt, however the belt still lay hidden in the Eastfield Cave. Sir Matthews laid down the Gauntlet and set the standards for all the engineers that would follow him. After that fateful day in late September many students lined up at that window and let their creations fly. Hundreds of planes flew out that window for the next two months until the 15th of November 2004.

Translation: We never thought anyone could reach the lake with a plane. Brian was the first person to reach it. Once he did that, we decided to buy a plastic WWF belt at the Eastfield Mall to give to the best paper airplane maker.

On that morning Sir Marty of Piccinich felt particularly inspired before his Dynamics of Leadership class. He set out for the lounge with his standard computer paper, his trusty duct tape, and a pair of scissors. There he built the magnificent paper airplane man had ever seen. It flew so true during the test runs inside he knew it was destined for greatness. As he approached the window he looked back behind him to make sure that there were people around to witness his flight in case it was a good one. He assumed the position in front of the window and threw the plane and watched as it just took off. The flight was simply perfect. He screamed like a little girl to make sure that Jon and Rose would come running.

Translation: On November 15, 2004 Rick made a paper airplane that he was really proud of. He threw it out the window, and when it started looking good, he screamed like a little girlto make sure that Jon and Rose would come running

As they got to the window all Jon and Rose could see was the plane flying higher and straighter than any other plane that had left that window. As it cleared the highest tree that guarded the Massasoit, it showed no sign of straying from its majestic course. As the plane, which was more papyrus than paper, touched down in the water, Sir Marty lept for joy over and over. Not only did he match Sir Brian’s feat, he dwarfed the accomplishment. He ran down the stairs and reached the dock only to see his plane start to sink to the bottom of the lake. That day Sir Marty perfected his plane and he would go on to hit the Massasoit two more times in the next twenty-four hours. A feat that still has not been matched to this day. The Champ is here

Translation: In those days, like now, Rick had too much time on his hands

RULES OF THE BELT
In order to call yourself the champ you must defend your belt once every fourteen days or else you must vacate the title. There are exceptions for winter and summer break. A title defense consists of at least two people who each throw three planes out the window. Participants only get five minutes to build and test each of their planes. Illegal substances such as steroids or steroid like substances have been dubbed illegal by the International Commission of Paper Airplanes (ICPAP). The champ must have an honorable reason to decline a challenge or else the belt is forfeit. For complete Rules and Regulations and Plane Specifications send One Dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace Springfield U.S.A

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR COMMISSIONER…
FLY!
– Peter Baldwin
Commissioner
Springfield College ’07

RECORDS
Furthest (Distance) Flight: The Rick [Third Railroad Support]
Career Splash Downs:
The Rick (19)
Peter Baldwin (3)
Brian Matthews (2)
Amanda Hill (1)
Todd Luther (1)
Baldtthews (1)
Most Splash Downs During a Title Fight:
The Rick (3)
Peter Baldwin (1)

THE LIFE OF THE BELT

A Replica of the Spirit of Piccinich

The Guardian of the Massasoit. This tree ruined the flights of many a plane
The Window from which planes were thrown
View from the edge of the lake. The dot indicates where the Spirit of Piccinich landed. Greatest. Throw. Ever.

Amanda can’t do homework with out the belt
It’s not easy being champ
Rose never liked putting up with my shit
Pedro does Kung Fu to impress the belt
Amanda wanted to take the belt to Virginia, but the belt just wanted to taunt her
This kiss, this kiss
If the belt had to say that it had one mortal enemy, he would have to say Sara. Sara refuses to have any part of the belt. If it is around she suddenly has the urge to punch whoever is in possession of the belt as long as it is Rick

Those were the days

Guest Retro Post: Deep Thoughts by Mar

#1: In theory, there is no need for stamps if you make the intended address the return address and the return address the intended address (the post office mails to the return address if there is no stamp or insufficient postage)

#2: People who drag their feet when they walk wear out shoes faster than those who do not drag their feet when they walk.

#3: If I wrote down my real deep thoughts, I might lose my reputation of being a fuck-up and a drunk. God forbid if that ever happened.

#4: Clam is an underrated, yet extremely versatile word. (i.e. It’s clammy out today. Hey, clam up over there. Let’s go clamming. I caught four clams…etc.)

#5: All you need to know is what you don’t know.

#6: If I’m Marty Piccinich, and Marty Piccinich was eating lunch with his wife at Chili’s, and Marty Piccinich served Marty Piccinich a bacon burger (medium-well), but Marty Piccinich does not have a wife, then which Marty Piccinich was actually at Chili’s? On a side note, if you were a hotdog and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

#7: Refusing to do things is cool. (i.e. Doing work, waking up, answering the phone, going to class, etc.)

#8: Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. Just let that sink in. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. The terminator is the governor of California. One more time. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California.

Retro Post: Rick’s Guide to Life

Circa September 2002 – May 2003

This is the post that started my old website. These were all created my freshman year of college. Originally they were my away messages, back during the days when my computer was on, and logged on to AIM 24/7, and no one realized their computer didn’t like that.

Lesson 1- How to Pick up Strippers

Go to Strip Club
Talk to Stripper
If she asks you to come to her house for a good time…..RUN AWAY, run as fast as possible this isn’t normal for people like us (except Jim$), hot strippers don’t want to be with normal people in fact awesome stuff like this only happens to James Bond and even with him the hot chick usually has a gun or sharp instrument under the pillow ready to kill him with!

Lesson 2- How to Talk to Girls

…….Sorry cant help you out here
(Ed. Note: Somethings never change)

Lesson 3- How to Spend Friday Nights

8:00 – Tune into Noggin and watch Degrassi
8:29 – Remove clothes while listening to Noggin Spoken Word Guy, attain Vaseline
8:30 – Radio Free Roscoe Starts
For the next half our tug on your Vaseline covered knob everything Lily is on the screen
10:00-11:00 – Repeat Previous Steps
12:00 – 1:00 – Repeat Previous Steps
(Ed. Note: Somethings never change)

Lesson 4 – How not to go to a Casino

Drive to Mohegan Sun
Walk right into the Casino like it’s your job while your 19 and look like your 16
Sit down at table and proceed to lose $90 in TEN minutes
Get up and promptly get kicked out
Spend remainder of time hitting demo golf clubs in mall

Lesson #5 – How to make Lowes Cineplex your bitch

Purchase tickets for movie you wish to see
Walk to Outback Steakhouse and buy a Bloomin’ onion
Walk back into theater as if nothing is wrong
Proceed to eat Bloomin’ Onion during the movie, be sure to waft the aroma of the onion towards people around you to make them jealous
After movie leave Bloomin’ Onion on your seat to further mock Lowes
After this smuggling will become clockwork

Lesson #6 – Proper etiquette for watching TV in bed with a girl

Cater to her wishes as long, as it doesn’t interfere with the program (If your going to get some proceed to steps (a), if not proceed to steps (b))
(A) In commercials rub her back, give her soft kisses whatever you have to do to get her in the mood. *IMPORTANT* Be sure to stop once the program resumes
Once the program is over proceed to remove her clothes. *Note* her clothes come off first, not yours
Get Busy
(B) In a commercial either, pull her close to you or angle your butt towards her
Ask her to pull your finger
If she refuses, pull your own finger
Flatulence is released
Laugh while thinking about it for the rest of the program

Lesson 7: How to enjoy an afternoon at the Races

For the most fun go to a popular race like Belmont
Hire a indentured servant or german to be your driver……if your funds are low just befriend James Fitzgerald for the weekend
*Race Day Check List*
_ Camera
_ Good Call/Bad Call Sign
_ Water Proof container for GC/BC Sign
_ Lemons for Lemon Relay
_ Playing Cards
_ Sandy Chang’s Phone
_ Beverages, esp. Shirley Temples so the Bartenders won’t pass out from laughing to hard when your order them
At the end of every race when people want to know who won, simply respond, Sarah Jessica Parker
At the end of the day if you didn’t piss off at least 20 people the day was a failure

Lesson 8: Top 12 Things to do in Maryland

12. Play Tiger Woods Golf
11. Mess up an order at Chipolte and get yelled at by the staff
10. Go to Subway or Quiznos and leave your sandwich on the counter
9. Visit Ole’ Mel
8. Watch Degrassi and RFR at la casa del Mohr
7. Walk around to all the Frat parties and not get into any
6. Look for Jeff Andrew’s dorm, not finding it then piss into the wind
3. Go to Cornerstone and watch NFL games
4. Hook up with chicks on Doug’s Bed
3. Terapins Basketball or Football game
2. Preakness
1. Fart on Rasho Nesterovic’s head while she sleeps

Lesson 9: (The original Lesson 9 will be in the Special Features on the DVD)
How To See Some Nice Boobs:
If you have Money – I’m Sure there is a nice “Gentlemens” club near by for you to ogle some trashy broad
If you a cheep bastard (like me) – Ever heard of the internet? Enough said
If you are normal – Get a girlfriend. (Then again if you are pathetic and retarded like me, ignore this option just stick to the first two)
If you are fucked up – Hire your friendly Japanese tentacle monster to rape and pillage nearby women, don’t know how to spot one, just ask Michael Strahan

Lesson 10: How to Know You Need to Stop What Your Doing, Go Home and Go to Bed

The horse you bet on dies before it crosses the finish line
When you stand up sand falls out of your chang
You think about going to Virginia
Your hanging out with Nicole Sikora and James Fitzgerald at the same time
Your not playing Korean Rummy
You think its cool to root for the Bahston Red Sox

Lesson 11: Protocol for meeting a Pornstar

If you see a pornstar alone in a public location, DON’T HESITATE, someone else has probably already noticed her too.
Casually approach her while looking confident. IMPORTANT: You must forget that you are pathetic and retarded
Jokingly use a cheesy pick up line, then laugh after saying it so that she knows your just kidding around
If she chuckles, your in like Flynn.
Continue to make casual conversation and buy her some drinks if they are available.
At the end of the night take her back to you place and proceed to bop her
(Optional) Stick it in her butt
Cherish every second of this because for the moment you are a God
WAKE UP (remember you are pathetic and retarded)

Lesson 12: How to Make a Good First Impression with Someone’s Parents

Help carry groceries upstairs
Introduce Yourself
Never make eye or physical contact for the rest of their visit
When they come to say good-bye make sure you are “reading” a Victoria’s Secret catalog
(Ed: Note: I don’t remember whose parents this actually happened with)

Lesson 13: How to Know if you are Marty Piccinich

You think Canada was created just for Montreal and to make Degrassi and RFR
You plan something more than 20 minutes in advance and you expect it to go as planned, of course it won’t
Your afraid of girls
One of your friends is a big metal “E”
Wherever you are you’re playing Korean Rummy
Your favorite Olympic event is the Lemon Relay
Flatulence

Lesson 14: Operation Cheese Fries

Covert Mission After-Hours- Secret Agent Double Oh Cincimino & Not So Secret Agent Pat
Phase 1: Stealthy Turn on Deep Fryer when the Coast is Clear
Phase 2: Pour Fries into Fryer
Phase 3: Take Fries Out
Phase 4: Apply Salt and Pepper, then Cheese
Phase 5: Microwave for One Minute
Phase 6: Enjoy
Phase 7: Dispose of Evidence
(Ed. Note: This was pretty much my routine at Rockland Lake everyday after the bosses left..I don’t have much longer to live do I…)

Lesson 15: Mother’s Day a.k.a. Foolproof Way to Make Millions

Buy Mothers Day scratch-offs from the New York Lottery. Why? How could anyone be mean to a mother and let her lose money on a scratch off ticket on Mother’s Day.
Make sure you buy at least 5 so that you mom at least gets one, in fact it’s probably even better if you buy the tickets on Mothers Day so that you don’t scratch them all yourself
Get home, scratch off all the tickets yourself while you mom is asleep
Lose on all tickets, cold-hearted bastards at the New York Lottery
Give your mom some nice Scratch off themed wallpaper for the house, Happy Mothers Day Mom

Lesson 16: How To Become A Dirty Old Man By The Age Of 20

Way # 1:
Sign onto WinMX
Click on the chat button
Enter one of the 4392 chat rooms, 4391 of which have to do with porn
Type after me: “Male, 48, seeks Female to join me in erotic pleasures in peeing. Like giving and receiving. I love to drink it.”
Get immediately booted from whatever room your in, into a Gay Night Lover Room
Wait for approx. 15 minutes for the authorities to show up on your door step to soil your good name, be ready never to get a respectable job in your life since your are already a dirty old man at the age of twenty.
(Ed. Note: I did not do this, but rather saw someone else type it)

Way # 2-4:
See lesson 3 about Friday nights
Know exactly when the Olsen twins will be turning 18 so that it will be legal to search for their nude pics on the internet….I won’t tell you that it’s June 13th, 2004 at 8:30 pm for MK and 8:43 for Ashley
Bob Jacobs Favorite: When learning that the legal age is 13 in the Netherlands respond with…”Damn that’s tight”

Retro Post: Rick’s Guide to Girls

Welcome to blast from the past week. I figure this is as good a week as any to dive into the archives and successfully bring everything over to the blog.
This post was written after a school trip to Bahston my first year at Springfield:
(Edits in Red)

I Recently took a trip to Bahston, while there I passed by [a former] girl of my dreams and all I could muster was the 5 seconds of staring that I privileged her to. At that moment she then became the girl that got away. Since then I have thought of about 772 ways to better handle the situation. Also since has been thusly proven that girls only like guys who have skills, here are some skills girls seem to like:

Ways I Could Have Got Kenmore To Notice Me

1. “Hey, whats going on, my name is Nick…”
2. “Excuse me, Do you have the time”
3. Blatantly stare at her
7. “Hey, I know you must get this all the time but… would you like a piece of my garlic bread?”
12. Ask her to take a picture with me
14. Ask her to take a picture with me naked
17. “If I were to send you flowers where would I… no, let me rephrase that. If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful?”
21. Trip and fall
23. Give her two tickets to the Gun Show
26. Sex Panther
39. Blatantly Stare at her, and mentally undress her
49. Tell her I play for the Devil Rays and I can’t seem to locate Fenway Park
72. Grab her boobs while saying Whammy
84. Give her the Mardi Gras beads that were not around my neck
98. “I want to be on you”
101. “You have an absolutely, breathtaking, heine. I mean that thing is good, I want to be friends with it”
103. ” Hi, you’re really good looking, can I have you number?”
154. Do nothing, oh wait that got me nowhere
189. Push Jon into her and then rip him off and claim that I saved her from un haiduc, and that I deserve a congratulatory
213. Try to talk to her and get ignored
249. Try to talk to her and get smacked
290. Try to talk to her and stutter and spit on her
300. Build her a cake or something
459. “I am blind will you help me get across the street?”
469. Stalk her
521. Ask her to dance
540. Nothing,
570. Serenede her
610. Ask her if she wanted my extra ticket to the Red Sox game that I didn’t have
630. Stare at her
640. Push Eric into her and then rip him off and claim that I saved her from un haiduc, and that I deserve a congratulatory
658. Ask her if she knew where the Pope was giving his opening prayer
690. Try to do something while I was doing nothing
732. Ask her if she knew I was the Sun Bowl Champ of 1981
759. Show her that I could throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
769. Push Lindsay and Rose into her and then wait a second….then rip them off of her and claim I saved her from multiple haiducs, and that I deserve a congratulatory
772. Make her a Shirley Temple

Methods Used to Pickup Girls

1. Nunchuk Skills
2. Bow staff Skills
3. Computer hacking Skills
4. Card Skills which make them get naked
5. X-treme drumming Skills
6. Army Uniform wearing Skills
7. Muscle having skills
8. Look I treat girls like complete crap skills
9. Drinking Skills
10. Not going to class Skills
11. Rebel Skills
12. Pot head Skills
13. Social Skills
14. Cripple Skills
15. The opposite of excess sarcasm Skills
16. Cheating on girls Skills
17. Meat on your bones Skills
18. Conversation Skills
19. Niv Skills
20. Asshole Skills
21. Jazz Flute Skills
22. Olympic Gold Medal Winning Skills
23. Rock star Skills
24. Errol Flynn Skills
25. Rock Climbing Skills
26. Able to hit a 100 mph fastball 500 ft Skills
27. Mad Skillz
28. Beat box Skills
29. Having lots of money Skills
30. Monster ballad crooning Skills
31. Dancing Skills
32. Not being able to dance Skills
33. Karaoke Skills
34. Hercules Skills
35. Lateness Skills
36. No respect for others Skills
37. Bad boy Skills
38. Good looking Skills
39. Jim$ Skills
40. Cricket Skills
41. Steroid Skills
42. Monolingual Skills
43. Being that guy Skills
44. Ability to be shown off Skills
45. Did I mention Social Skills
46. No Piccinich Effect Skills
47. They need you more than you need them Skills
48. Swooning Skills Skills
49. Moldable Skills
50. Mon Jermer Skills
51. No Tact Skills
52. Not friends with the girl you like Skills
53. You are a challenge to the girl Skills
54. OFT Skills
55. Non Loner Skills
56. 80’s party staying Skills
57. The ability to not only speak in inside joke Skills
58. Not the anti-poon Skills

Retro Post: Perfect Situation

In an effort to get all the post from the old site onto the blog, we bring you this oldie, but goodie.

This Post is about one random night at Fitzys. January 7, 2006. This was before I even started hanging out with Tara. For another take on these events, check out Ostrowe’s POV.

Fitzy’s is a place like no other. As the official bar of the Piccinichs, it possesses an Anchorman like back story. As recently as two years ago, Ostrowe, Mar and myself dreaded hearing that we were going to Fitzy’s, then one day (I’m still not sure what day that was) we all joined The Boss in believing that Fitzy’s was the best bar in Rockland. Since that day it has been the sight of many epic evenings; the night The Boss claimed I was his attorney and sued everyone for not being fun, the 10-hour poker fest, which included not only a Joe Rutko sighting but also a sighting of my neighbor’s dad boozing at 8 am, and of course more recently the Best of Seven home/away Piccinich World Series of Darts.

However, the night of January 7, 2006 may rank above them all, except of course the World Series of Darts.

So after watching the Redskins win their playoff game, I was in a pretty good mood. Sara was in town so I gave her a call, but I never heard back from her. I got a call from Moro at 9:30 and he wanted to go out. The next morning I was due at The Rock at 9:45, so my plan was to call it a night before midnight so I could get some much needed sleep. Before I left my house I sent Ostrowe a message to see if he would like to join.

Upon arriving, I found Heim playing darts with these two chicks who I assumed were acquaintances of his. They all went outside for a smoke and by the time they got back Moro had joined me by the dartboard. It was about this time that I found out that in fact Heim had also just met these chicks. Heim declined to stay on the board for the next game even though he had won the previous one, so I teamed up with Ms. X, a fairly attractive brunette with glasses who lived in the city selling pharmaceuticals, and Moro teamed up with Ms. Y, a short, blonde, art teacher/stoner who was carrying about 20 pounds too many.

Now this is miraculous in the first place, me, the socially retarded Piccinich that I am, talking to chicks in a bar. During the game Moro was his regular self, making smart ass/rude comments to people he just met (and also pointing at people…including himself). I took it upon myself to defend the ladies who were nice enough to hang out with us for so long by telling them they didn’t have to listen to a word he said because he listens to Enya. This became a fairly popular joke throughout the night. Ms. X and I somehow wound up losing the game just as Ostrowe walked in. He had called me earlier to say that he too would be leaving before midnight because he wanted some sleep.

Once Ostrowe got there, we proceeded to fall into our normal routine, making stupid jokes and quoting obscure things. Ms. X had made her way to the bar soon after the game was over; however, Ms. Y humored us for about 10 or 15 minutes until she had enough of our immature antics. By this point, it was already 11 or so and I was ready to call it a night, a pretty good one at that. Not only did we play darts, but we also talked to a couple of chicks for about an hour. It was at least a step in the right direction. Usually the only chicks you see at Fitzy’s used to be dudes and when there is one that is an actual woman, we never talk to her at all. We just sit back and say how hot she is over and over again (case in point: Frankie’s Italian Bistro). So with midnight quickly approaching Ostrowe and I began to play Trivia with Moro so we could finish the night on a good note.

Then things took an unexpected turn. Ostrowe headed to the bathroom, and Moro went to talk to some other people at the bar, so I decided to kill some time by playing darts against the computer. It was at this point that Ms. X walked by me on her way to the bathroom and kissed me on the cheek saying: “Now that you have my kiss, you’re definitely going to win.” As she walked away I stood there dumbfounded and in a trance until Ostrowe came back from the bathroom at which point we resumed our game of trivia. After a few more wins by Buddy C, it was time to head out.

Just before we were about to leave I told Ostrowe what happened while he was in the bathroom and some how we actually made the same decision that most non-retarded people would have made. We walked over to the girls and made some more conversation. Before I go any further I would like to thank Ostrowe for entering this brave new world with me as my wingman.

I don’t remember everything that we said, and in fact only one snippet stands out, I believe it started when Moro walked over and everyone again pointed out how much he loves Enya:

Ms. X: I love Peter Gabriel, and I love blow jobs
Ms. Y: Oh my god, now all these guys are going to think about are blow jobs
Rick: Hey we’re guys, we think about blow jobs all the time
Ostrowe: Yea, I woke up this morning thinking about blow jobs
Ms. X: I love giving blow jobs
Rick: (In the words of Dick Enberg) Oh My
Ms. Y: I can’t believe you just told these guys that you love giving blow jobs, now they both think they are going to get one
Ms. X: I don’t want to give both of them blow jobs, just him (points to Rick)

Now this is a “Perfect Situation” if I ever saw one. After this exchange I pretty much just started thinking of all the ways I was going to screw this up. While I stood there soaking this in, Ostrowe made a futile attempt to switch wingman duties with Moro, but Moro did a good job of pretending he didn’t know what was going on and stayed away. On second thought maybe he wasn’t pretending. However, when he came to the bar to get another drink he did manage to challenge Ms. Y to a one-on-one game of darts.

We all shifted positions back to the dartboard so we could watch Moro get his butt kicked and talk about how much he loved Enya. After ten minutes the songs I picked on the jukebox two and a half hours earlier started playing beginning with the aforementioned Weezer song. All Ostrowe and I could do was laugh at the IRONY. Ms. X and I spent most of the time in the vertical spooning position and she kept giving my crotch the formal Ric Flair Chop.

About half way through the game, I officially became “That Guy” that I always make fun of when Ms. X turned around and proceeded to make out with me. This is one of those times where I wish I could see my life from the 3rd Person POV for a brief moment, because this must have ranked pretty high on the unintentional comedy scale. First off, it was Fitzy’s. Second, this is me we’re talking about. Last summer I literally had a girl ask me, “So when are we going to have sex?”, but I of course fumbled the snap. In my defense I still blame the fact that she wasn’t attractive, and I would have to be dry for at least 5 years before I considered a girl like her. Third, I don’t know where I was headed with this train of thought. I stopped writing for a bit because that entire night still makes me laugh.

After the first kiss, I had an unfortunate image flash through my head. I remembered that we were at Fitzy’s and that last time I had gone there with Sara we had a close encounter of the transvestite kind. I felt like I should have had check for the absence of the twig and berries, but I am too classy of a guy and that would have been crossing the proverbial line. I was playing a dangerous game of chance.

So anyway after a few minutes we decided to take our show outside and away from the masses. We stayed outside making out as long as the frigid weather would allow us but we were forced back inside 10 minutes later just in time to see Moro lose to Ms. Y.

Ostrowe, Ms. Y, Ms. X, and I spent the rest of the night at the bar. Most of this time was spent not paying attention to Ostrowe and Ms. Y so you will have to check out Ostrowe’s recap of the night to find out what else happened. I’ll just detail the bar scene in the following manner:
A) I was groped, and it was awesome
B) There were a lot of flattering remarks thrown my way, to which I responded with my own flattering remarks being the classy guy that I am
C) She also managed to drop the verb form of the F bomb in the same sentence as the transitive verb meaning to desire
D) Did I mention this chick was 28?

So at 2 in the morning Ms. X and Ms. Y departed thus ending our night…..and only two hours after our scheduled time of departure. At least for once I had a girl’s phone number to show for it. We’ll see what happens when I call her. One can only hope that I don’t pull a Mikey.

Actual conversation from the next day:
Boss: What did you wind up doing last night?
Rick: I went to Fitzy’s for a bit to play some darts and trivia
Boss: Did you see the chick Heim was talking to in the beginning of the night? He said she was pretty hot.
Rick: Her name was Ms. X right?
Boss: Yea
Rick: Yea, I saw her. And I spent the better part of two hours making out with her.
Boss: (Speechless)

Later that night…………………….
Boss: So how about that chick you played darts with at Fitzy’s
Heim: She was pretty hot
Boss: Oh yea, well Rick spent the better part of the night hooking up with her
Heim: WTF that could have been me if I didn’t leave early…………………… and Casey of course

Tuesday night, Rick calls Ms. X.
Call Failed, I leave a message on her voicemail.
SHE CALLS BACK (!) 2 Hours later claiming she was at the gym. We make small talk, and we all know that’s my specialty, and we agree to call each other if we are ever in the same neighborhood.
I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know that I’m 22.

Retro Post: The Derby Running Diary

The most exciting two-minutes in Sports.

Back in the days when Jai-Alai was still on ESPN, The Derby had this amazing mystique associated with it. Nothing could top it, and ask anyone who has ever gone to a Derby, no matter if they were in the infield or the grandstand they will tell you that it was the greatest sporting event they have ever been to. Allow me to speak some wiggle, the Super Bowl can’t hold The Derby’s jock. Unfortunately the Sport of Kings has slipped in the past decade largely due to the lack of a Triple Crown Horse, culminating with last year. In the last five years the sport of horse racing has been blessed to have numerous Triple Crown hopefuls that generated a buzz in the sport. War Emblem, Funny Cide, Smarty (Piccinich) Jones. But last year, that was the year things were supposed to change. Barbaro was supposed to save the sport. The crazy part with Barbaro was that all he had to do was win The Derby. With the previous horses, they became household names after the Preakness. Once Barbaro won The Derby he became America’s Horse. So what does he go and do? He shatters his leg on the front stretch along with the hopes of a Nation. But I digress, this post is not about Barbaro, it is about the most amazing trip ever.

We started going to Triple Crown races in 2002 and we determined that 2004 would be the year we hit all three legs of the Triple Crown. It was a simpler time. A time when all three races were on the same network, and a time where we didn’t need to take sick days, all we had to do was tell Steve Kladis that we couldn’t work the weekend. This is the Running Diary from that amazing weekend: [Note: This was one of the first running diarys, that’s why it is quite sparse.]

FRIDAY
2:38 pm – Leave College Park
5:00 pm – Pass by Negro Mountain (Seeing this sign may or may not have sparked our desire to keep a running diary. I can’t believe that nothing happened for the first two and a half hours)8:09 pm – Merge onto I-64, only 237.4 miles to go (Another three hour gap. Lackluster)
8:11 pm – Find out Marshall is in West Virginia (We are Marshall)
8:25 pm – Stop of at T.G.I.Fridays to eat (If I remember correctly, this was around the time that Jayson Williams shot his limo driver. The second we walked into the place we got dirty looks, presumably because we are bastard New Yorkers. I’m surprised no one slashed our tires)
9:20 pm – Rick takes a picture with the hot waitress, then being the smooth guy that he is, he turns and crashes into the door on the way out
9:29 pm – Nitro, WV: Where the preferred means of transportation is an atlas-sphere
9:35 pm – Big Sandy Superstore
10:10 pm – Apparently the exit number before 1 is 191 (I now realize this is because we were crossing state lines. What do you expect I was/am retarded)
10:11 pm – Big Sandy River! Reached Kentucky, acquired second wind for a second round pick and a player to be named later.
10:29 pm – Dmo’s flatulence almost causes an accident
10:46 pm – Little Sandy River
11:09 pm – Stopped off at a gas station and won $1 on a scratch off ticket (I still have that scratch ticket because I refused to cash it in for a dollar)
11:19 pm – Amy Lawrence asks Mike Matheney how it feels to know he needs four balls for a walk
SATURDAY
12:35 am – Ole Mel calls and expresses surprise we haven’t arrived; clearly she must have forgotten we are retarded
12:41 am – Amy Lawrence is still retarded
12:43 am – Shelbyville! We can now have sex with our cousins (For the record, just in case anyone who is trying to hire me for a job is reading this, I do not condone people having sex with their cousins. This is simply a Simpsons reference.
12:51 am – Simpsonville; no more sex with our cousins (As pointed out in the “Behind the Laughter Episode, the Simpsons are in fact from Kentucky. Springfield, Kentucky is about an hour South of Shelbyville and Simpsonville)
12:55 am – God spites Rick yet again (I’m not quite sure how I was spited, or even when the first time I was spited on this trip)
1:18 am – Encountered pink light, did not know how to respond
1:25 am – Drove over curb to reach Papa John Cardinal Stadium parking lot
1:36 am – Rick pees in dumpster
1:50 am – Crappy band still playing across the street (They really did suck)
2:11 am – “Sleep” begins
2:12 am – Ostrowe kicks open trunk
2:13 am – Ostrowe Flatuates
3:45 am – No cars left in Papa John’s Stadium Parking Lot
5:15 am – Wake up to find everything soaking wet, Rain wins round one (Was there any doubt that the rain wouldn’t win. They were the number one seed, we won the play-in game)
5:45 am – Rain wins round two
6:10 am – Rain wins round three (It just won’t stop, It just won’t stop)
6:45 am – We surrender. Ostrowe plans on getting bag from the trunk, on the way his shirt falls in a puddle when he returns he only has a poncho
6:51 am – Ostrowe risks life by making pilgrimage to other car
6:59 am – Rick thinks he’s heady by using the natural resources of a puddle to wash his hands, however he realizes he is retarded since Ostrowe just peed in the puddle
7:49 am – Leave Papa Johns for Churchill Downs
8:15 am – Crotch assaulted by metal detector
9:15 am – After teaching Chubbs how to bet, Rick asks the KFC Girls if they know the Colonel (It became obvious that they have never watched Family Guy. Speaking of Family Guy, have they jumped the Shark, it doesn’t have nearly the amount of buzz they had when they came out of retirement)
9:20 am – Ostrowe wants a 13 year-olds phone number. The woman in front of us complains of being cold so Chubbs tells her to take her shirt off (Chubbs: 5.99/LB)
10:00 am – Met “The Sausage Girls”
10:30 am – Hacksaw Mark Duggan starts HOOOOOOOOO chant
10:44 am – Rain finally stops (I didn’t realize that it had started. Oh, that’s right it hadn’t stopped from the night before)
11:00 am – Maryland Hold-em starts. Chubbs asks Dmo for a dollar, Dmo declines. Rick runs out of dollars, Dmo gladly gives him one
12:00 pm – Two hot chicks show up, everyone turns and watches them
12:12 pm – The aforementioned hot chicks start going at it three feet away
12:30 pm – Chicks still going at it, everyone near turn three stops what they are doing
12:32 pm – NIPPLE!!
12:42 pm – HOOOOOOOOO chant heard faintly in the distance, Mark shows up
12:59 pm – Chicks separated; boo
1:00 pm – Maryland Hold-em, Dmo gives Chubbs a dollar this time
1:02 pm – Hot chick A passes out
1:20 pm – Hot chick B returns, wakes up hot chick A and they start going at it
1:27 pm – Hacksaw Mark Duggan pronounced dead
1:29 pm – BOOBIES!!
1:30 pm – Chicks separated; boo
1:40 pm – Chicks start going at it again
1:59 pm – MONEY SHOT!
2:10 pm – Dmo and Ostrowe go to Portapotty, Dmo returns, Ostrowe pronounced dead
2:30 pm – Chicks still going at it
2:32 pm – African Heat sets in
2:45 pm – Dmo and Beer assaulted in Portapotty by rowdy patron
2:52 pm – Chicks separated permanently; hot chick A taken home (For those who haven’t been counting, that is three hours that no one really did anything else but watch these two girls. Ah the joys of being at The Derby at the age of 20)
3:00 pm – BOOBIES!!
3:15 pm – BOOBIES!!
3:32 pm – BOOBIES!! (I assure other stuff went on at The Derby but since I was 20 and single, I wasn’t really concerned with anything else)
3:50 pm – Ostrowe resurrected with a So Co Hurricane in each hand
4:00 pm – Storm of the Century hits Churchill Downs
4:03 pm – Jurgen proclaims that the storm can’t get any worse
4:04 pm – The storm gets worse
4:08 pm – Jurgen proclaims that the storm can’t get any worse
4:09 pm – The storm gets worse
4:10 pm – Chick with hairy legs hides under Dmo’s poncho
4:12 pm – Jurgen proclaims that the storm can’t get any worse
4:13 pm – The storm gets worse
4:18 pm – Grandstand disappears
4:20 pm – The chick with hairy legs falls over, Rick blinded by hairy chang
4:30 pm – Jurgen proclaims that the storm can’t get any worse
4:32 pm – The storm gets worse
4:45 pm – The Storm of the Century finally ends
4:48 pm – Naked man shows up and slides across tarp
5:00 pm – Rick calf deep in bathroom flood, once again Rick encounters urine cleaning his calfs
5:10 pm – We watch an entertaining game of kill the carrier in the mud
5:15 pm – Fat guy shows up wearing tiny jockey suit and carrying an empty keg. Throws it around to show power but is quickly thrown out of circle. Keg thrown around more, surprisingly no one is killed
5:49 pm – Hacksaw Mark resurrected from dead
6:09 pm – Race Starts
6:11 pm – Race Lost
8:20 pm – Check into Best Western for some much needed comfort
8:25 pm – Independence makes Ostrowe feel like an adult
8:52 pm – Dmo emerges from shower warning about hitting his face on the shower head
9:00 pm – Rick hits face on shower head
9:15 pm – Ostrowe hits face on shower head
9:30 pm – Waffle House for some fine southern cuisine
9:32 pm – Reconfirmed Rick is an idiot (I wonder what I did)
9:45 pm – One-eyed waitress emerges from kitchen (Legend also has it she had a hairnet, an eye patch and was smoking)
10:15 pm – Much needed bedtime, this time in a real bed
SUNDAY
5:00 am – Rick mumbles inaudible sentence in his sleep
8:00 am – Everyone wakes up
8:37 am – Rick baffled by Bob Costas doing his best Ladies Man impression
11:11 am – Leaving Kentucky after exactly 37 hours, to the minute
11:12 am – West Virginia still sucks
11:39 am – Ostrowe makes note to self “I don’t ever wanna go through West Virginia again” (Until we “go” to The Derby this year)
12:04 pm – Stupid West Virginia town names: Big Chimney, Big Otter, Mink Shoals
12:15 pm – Mar pronounced dead
12:30 pm – West Virginia is still a certified business location
12:42 pm – Rick and Dmo are startled by the same truck, Dmo thinks it’s from Alaska, Rick thinks it’s owned by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
1:11 pm – Ostrowe squirts water all over himself
1:15 pm – Rick observes that if a girl’s name is Nona, there’s no way she is cooler than you
1:19 pm – While traveling north on I-79, we passed South Weston 20 minutes after Weston
1:24 pm – Vin calls to find out if Rick is working today (I told him millions of times that I wasn’t)
1:53 pm – West Virginia sucks more wang
2:15 pm – Mar Resurected, he’s on his way to AC before his final starts
2:19 pm – Scan through AM channels, scan never stops
2:28 pm – Hello Maryland, “Fuck you West Virginia” -Dan Ostrowe
2:31 pm – Hello Friendsville, Deep Creek and Swallow Falls
2:41 pm – Negro Mountain, the second encounter
2:46 pm – Ole Mel plots to kills us by trying to get us to play bullets while driving
2:57 pm – Ostrowe holds door open for girl her wants to do…she’s 7
3:00 pm – Disaster at Burger King, Cabin Fever sets in
3:05 pm – THERES MAYO EVERYWHERE!! IT’S IN MY RACOON WOUNDS
3:14 pm – Passed by Noah’s Ark; missed picture
3:26 pm – Storm of the Century vs. Us II: This Means War
3:36 pm – Storm once again gets worse, can’t see anything; sucks for us
3:39 pm – Beat storm of the Century in race to Flintstone, Maryland, Photo Finish; exacta pays $27.65
4:23 pm – Ostrowe tells Rick to show the woman next to us how he feels, half asleep Rick gives everyone in a one mile radius the finger
4:28 pm – Bird impales head on windshield, nearly dies. Will go onto win the Kentucky Derby in two years
4:58 pm – Encountered Moose head ala The Godfather
5:05 pm – Ostrowe spill water on himself, again
5:13 pm – The Beltway sucks
5:16 pm – Dmo accurately predicts that the truck a mile ahead is from Alabama. (I think we saw 48 license plates on the trip to Kentucky)
5:19 pm – AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME
5:23 pm – Return to Seven Springs, Ostrowe’s trunk smells, Dmo’s socks eat a hole in the pavement

To this day I am still amazed that we pulled off this trip without a hitch.

Retro Post: Piccinichisms

Over the years we have always had a quote sheet on hand to document all the stupid stuff we say. What follows is a uncensored peek into our world. Most names have been withheld to protect the retarded:

To escape the lion, sometimes you must go to his den

There’s always enough room for two people at the top as long as you are both people

Choose your own Adventure

It can get much better than this

If you last name is Hyman never use an adjective to name your child

– Contact that’s another movie that makes no sense
– I think that’s Jay Kohlman’s favorite movie
– That makes sense

– I might as well secede the belt
– What is this the fucking union?

I don’t play cards

What kind of pen doesn’t have a house?

– What are you guys Wallflowers?
– Yea, we’re the three Marlenas

– We should have had Vin make his Queso dip
– It’s endorsed by Mike Utley

– What do you want to do?

I successfully cockblocked myself from every girl at this party

I hope you don’t think of me differently

This kid is like Mitch Williams we are the only two old enough to know who Mitch Williams is

-You guys are always smiling
– Well I’m just happy that I got tickets to the Luther Vandross Concert next week
– That’s fucked up

You are a lanky kid, tall, long legs you can get out of a lot of situations

– I’m going over there
– Say hi to Mar
– I’m not going to Long Island

(5 minutes after Terry wins the game)
– How did we win the last game?
– YOU made the 8-Ball

Maybe if we sat near the coats people would have a reason to come near us

How the fuck do u scream infidelities?!

It’s not the arrows, it’s the Indians

Next time we visit Doug I’m going to send myself as an e-mail attachment so I can get there faster, then you can just upload me

You’re just not a person bro

It’s not as fun until your 21

I don’t trust anything that bleeds five days of the month and doesn’t die

It’s the season of giving

Were pathetic and retarded what do they expect

You can never have enough snatch

Rick: You should hire a schwoogie to do your laundry for you
Mar: Hire?

Wait; Hold on Ma I’m looking at boobies

That’s what cool about magazines, you can stare at a chicks boobs forever and she will never know you’re a pervert

Your ramalamahamdamed if you do, and ramalamahamdamed if you don’t

The more you want something the less obtainable it is

I bet Canada has no laws about banging minors…. advantage Piccinich

I piss money

All that can go wrong, will go wrong…. All that can’t go wrong, will also go wrong

I don’t know if it’s me or the Shirley Temple’s speaking…. but you’re hot

I know you must get this all the time but…would you like some garlic bread??

– Someone should make a program were you can play any card game online
– Get on it Terry
– I sell golf clubs

Dave & Busters: Where you can get fucking cocked while your kids play video games

– Hey are you driving tonight?
– Yea just bring me another beer

Were Hardcore…. [One minute later] Harold. [Girl gets up and leaves] Apparently we don’t have the drawing power of Terry.

You couldn’t fit your trouser snake in my shorts

– Why would they make a fuss [about you peeing in the street]?
– Because I have a vagina

BELIEVE IN THE SYSTEM!

I’m emphatasizing my point…Fuck that’s not a word is it

-Grab me some singles
-(Pulling out 5 hundreds) We got 5; I think we’ll be ok

I can’t take me anywhere

Thank god were naked

I’m in a glass case of emotion!!!!

[In context] We now go live to Diane being a bitch, Diane

OH WHAT ARE THE ODDS

I don’t want to play anymore I just want to suck on Tom Bosley’s Clitoris

-I like Tom Bosley
-Your Retarded

You can lead a Piccinich to people, but you can’t make him talk

-Thank God I have X-Ray vision
-Who looks like Fay Vincent?

(Mar to a girl who walked into the room 5 minutes ago)
-Why are you watching basketball?
-I Will Stab You in the Throat

Whatever I say is Jesus Christ

This is Villanova playing, where is you team? They’re playing volleyball in the parking lot.

(Already on the top floor of Ricks dorm Mar proclaims): I’ll sleep upstairs

I’m Fucking Fast

That kid is so emo

– I started kickboxing and I’m watching my carbs
– Yea I started Kickboxing cars too

If you drank as much as I did you would have trouble getting out of Hong Kong too

(In reference to the previous quote)
– That’s the greatest quote I ever heard, who said it?
– You

That girl is a hooker

That’s why I play cards at bars, there’s less chance of fucking my chance up w/ girls

Are you going to ditch us to hang out with girls again?…………queer

I went to a bachelor party in Chicago, apparently the stripper said I was mean because I told her she sucked

You’re a Putz

Why don’t you and your cards go sit in the front row of a U2 concert.

Soiled Queso dip made of doors

-Is that Chase Utley?
– Is that Mike Utley?

– I’m just waiting for you to get off of your fat ass
– I’d be able to if this queso dip wasn’t so wonderful

Hey lets go solve problems

OOTley?

There’s queso dip on the quote sheet

I want a dictionary to open my bedroom

– All I know is that I’m seeing a lot of talking and no queso dip
– Shut the fuck up
(Rick fumbles pen as he tries to write the quote)
– Yea now what? Now you’re fucked

We’re trying to break into her room not make a delicious queso dip out of her door

– You can see right through her
– Damn her, she’s feigning interest to get more tips
– Shut up she really likes us

Your Korean Rummy in a cell [I know this is bad grammar but that’s what the sheet says and it’s much funnier….5 bucks to whoever can interpret what the hell it means]

He has his fingers in a lot of pies

I’m getting an STD just thinking about you

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball

If I were you I’d krazy glue her eyelids open and make her watch me bang Tiffany

Nine times out of ten

Communism is a bitch

Sometimes you have to swim through shit to get to the ocean

Live Lavishly

It’s like the blind leading the blind

Everyone’s looking for a freebie

You’re just not a person bro

Hot chicks like horses
I like horses
Therefore hot chicks like me

I went to a bachelor party in Chicago and apparently the stripper said I was mean because I told her she sucked

Well excuse me Mrs. Social Worker

11:52 Wife of guitar player tells us her son goes to a gay college
12:00 Woman has enough of us calling her son gay and leaves
12:41 While at Lexington Ostrowe is finally happy that he is at a bar where the women are not married to the guitar player whose gay son goes to the fashion institute

Sars is killing us off like we are a bunch of Iraqi children

(After coughing for 25 minutes straight) I’m dying motherfuckers

– Yes!
– What happened?
– Supreme Court Justice William Rhenquist is dead!

– I can get guilted into doing anything.
– Does that mean I can guilt you into having sex with me

(After Rick congratulates a girl on a pool shot) I was social!!

Someone should tell her she is the best pool player in New Orleans

– Where is Mar?
– He is getting raped by a schwoogie
– That is fucking great

So Nicole, call her back and tell her your staying at my house. You’ll like my house, it’s fun, we can play manhunt and shit.

For as long as I have known myself….

– I’m a cheerleader, what do you expect?
– I don’t fucking know

I thought you banged the transsexual?

– What are you up to tonight?
– Watching New Orleans get destroyed
– That’s terrible
– Yea, I know. I never got to go there

You are a lanky kid. Tall, long legs, you can get out of a lot of situations

You wouldn’t like me when I’m Bon Jovi

You’re wearing a bra? Loser.

OOOOH repercussions. Welcome to my world.

– Beep Bop Boop Bip. [Laughter] is it really that funny?
– No, it’s not

Here hold my beer. I can’t stand here while those dogs are lost out there. I once found a lost dog. [Walks out of the bar. Comes back 45 minutes later without a dog]

Retro Post: Preakend 2005

Once again in an effort to consolidate everything to this blog, we take a look into the past…..


Welcome to the ill-fated
Running Diary of the 2005 PREAKEND

This years trip has the possibility of being better than any trip in the past. However, since we are involved it has the possibility of going up in flames in a flash. The plan for this year is to head down to Laurel, MD on Friday May 20th, Preakness on Saturday, and finally the Mar State graduation on Sunday. Also on the docket on Sunday is for us to pick up Rick’s parents at Laguardia Airport at 5 pm.

Thursday May 19

10:18 pm – Piccinich Effect. It is still over 18 hours before we plan to leave and already trouble is finding us. Over the years we have learned to leave our planning for the last minute, not because we procrastinate, but rather because it minimizes the number of things that can go wrong. Originally we were going to leave at 9:00 am after dropping Rick’s parents off at the airport but then Dmo informed us that no one would be at their apartment until 7 pm to let us in. We settle upon the departure time of 6:30 pm.

Friday May 20

7:15 am – Rick wakes up from dream in which he was driving down the “Christian Slater Sucks Expressway” in Afghanistan on his way to see a movie for $3.19 while eating a slice of pizza which costs $8.00 which is much cheaper than that $9.00 slice in New York, so that he can drive his family to the airport
10:04 am – While leaving the supermarket Rick doubles back to buy a $5.00 Lotto ticket. He immediately regrets the decision
2:38 pm – The Rick gets antsy, wants to move departure time up 3 hours. Ostrowe agrees and promises to be ready in an hour.
3:15
– While eating at Valley Pizza Rick runs into some guy he used to work with. It’s obvious that neither of us knows the others name
3:32
– Arrive at Ostrowe’s just in time to watch him eat a bowl of easy mac
3:40
– Attempt to leave Ostrowe’s house
3:41
– Car won’t start, key doesn’t turn. (R – How many Piccinichs does it take to start a car?)
3:42
– Call Rick’s dad to find out that we have to jiggle the wheel to start the car (Great Start Bud)
3:43
– Finally leave Ostrowe’s driveway
4:06
– First traffic jam.
4:17
– We drive past Royal Clubs Condos – An Active Adult Community. No lazy old people welcome.
4:18
– Pass Milhouse Van Houten Avenue.
4:33
– After nearly a half hour of trying, Ostrowe finally gets someone to look at one of our signs; unfortunately, he doesn’t care that Ostrowe is friends with Merlin Olsen.
4:47
– Rick observes that the name “Springfield” automatically denotes suckiness; Ostrowe observes that tunnels do not lend themselves well to running diaries.
4:51
– We get Office Spaced for the first time.
5:01
– The car hits 55 mph for the first time in a half hour.
5:07 – People refuse to look at our humorous signs (R – In the diary this line starts off with “bad idea” referring to the fact that I wrote it while I was driving)
5:11 – Rick makes Note to self: Check inspection sticker ass (R – I am writing this on Monday and I have yet to check the sticker, and right now I am too busy to go outside and check it, when I finally checked it on Wednesday it was a month and a half over due)
5:12 – Way2BZ is a gay license plate
5:15 – We get a hot chick to look at our signs; she is highly amused. We manage to hit her with four: “I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL”, “PEOPLE KNOW ME”, “I’M VERY IMPORTANT”, and “I HAVE MANY LEATHERBOUND BOOKS”. She even makes a sign of her own in retaliation, unfortunately she makes the rookie mistake of writing it in pen.
5:57 – Over/under on time of first drunken phone call to Mar on Saturday set at 12:30pm (Over wins)
6:20 – We get flipped off by an old Mexican woman with a “Life is short, Pray Hard” bumper sticker in retaliation to Rick pretending to knock on the car window. We start laughing hysterically, which causes her entire family, including the two little kids in the backseat to flip us off as well. Ostrowe responds by showing them the “YOU ARE A SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER” sign.
6:40 – Food/gas/potty break (R – If I remember correctly this was in New Jersey which if you can’t keep track, we have been on the road for 3 hours and we still are in New Jersey. It normally takes 3.5 to reach Doug’s apartment)
6:54
– Successful gas station trip. We guessed what side the gas tank was on. Ostrowe tells some schwoogie that his apartment smells of a rich mahogany, and he has many leather bound books….etc……
6:59 – Rick gets a call from Sara in which she tells of a new shirt she bought which makes her boobs square, as a result Ostrowe officially changes her name to Sara Squareboobs
7:03 – We witness a bumper sticker that has the letters MV circled in pink and green. We surmise that MV clearly stands for “My Vagina.”
7:13
– We pass the Schwoogie from the gas station and she tells us that her husband has heard of us
7:38
– We pass a car with a Massachusetts license plate with a Red Sox logo on it. Ostrowe informs them via sign that “BOSTON STILL SUCKS.” They speed up to pass us with a sign that says “JETER SWALLOWS” and one that appears to be a crude drawing of a Yankee fan with a penis in his mouth. We pass them again and Ostrowe responds with a sign that lets them know “WE’RE METS FANS”. They shrug their shoulders as if to say they have no response. When they pass us once more, Ostrowe crosses the line with an “I GAVE THE COKE TO LEN BIAS” sign. They start ignoring us after that. (for good reason)
8:10
– We make our first and last ever stop at the Delaware rest area; possibly our last stop in the entire state of Delaware ever.
8:12
– Rick: “Worst. Rest stop. Ever.”
8:18
– Ostrowe- “I wonder what they are doing with all this toll money, they are clearly not using it to……” (O – It’s now Wednesday and I still don’t have a good way to finish this sentence)
8:28
– An hour away from Laurel.
Rick: “I hope we make it another hour on this tank.”
Ostrowe: “How could we not make it? We have more than half a tank. Fuck, I just invited the wrath of the Piccinich effect.
8:32
– Over/under on Rick mumbling something incoherant in his sleep set at 1am Saturday Morning. (Over wins)
9:38
– Arrive at Westgate (6 hours after leaving NY), Ostrowe steps into a rain filled pothole exiting Rick’s car.
9:43 – Ostrowe tells Rick that Dmo lives in 156 so as Rick knocks on the door Ostrowe proceeds to walk in 158 (R – Dick)
10:03 – Liquor store door closes on Dmo’s face and he proceeds to scream profanities at the owner. This moment brought to you by Rick’s delay at the stop sign 2 minutes earlier.
11:00
– Smack down (the video game) has officially ruined the Preakend, who knows when we are going to stop
11:15
– Dmo: “BP, I thought you were gonna get the multiplayer adapter on the way home from work?”
BP: “Yeah, I don’t know what happened, I guess I didn’t buy it.” (O- It’s so much better when your hear BP’s delivery, it can only be imitated)

Saturday May 21

12:07 am – BP: “Wow that chair is so bent out of shape you could almost sit in it” (R – Who knew chairs were for sitting)
12:15 – Dmo and Rick tap out, Ostrowe and BP start their 3 stages of hell match
1:45 – BP wins an epic 1.5 hour last man standing match (O – Ridiculous)

PREAKNESS SATURDAY MORNING

Joining Rick, Dmo, and Ostrowe at the Preakness will be Poppers, Jurgen, Eddie O, and Murph

7:15 – Dmo and Ostrowe wake up and play a Royal Rumble
7:47 – Dmo has a vodka cranberry, Jurgen proclaims he will be in the first vehicle to leave for Pimlico
8:00 – Rick, Ostrowe and Dmo leave for Pimlico, Jurgen is no where to be found
8:08 – We pull out of Westgate, passing a Chevorlet Trailblazer in the parking lot. That’s right, ChevORlet. That’s what it said on the car.
8:12 – We stop at Giant where Dmo and Ostrowe simultaneously suggest Rick purchase Lunchables.
8:52
– Rick blatantly runs a light that was red for at least 5 seconds. (R – I still claim it was more towards a pink)
9:00
– Arrive at the shady alley that has treated us so well in the past three years
9:04
– Rick forgets ticket in car
9:15
– Tony a.k.a. Virgil grabs cooler. (At Pimlico on Preakness Saturday thousands of mini schwoogies wait outside to offer all the drunkards a hand with their heavy coolers. Last year we were suckers and carried out cooler the entire mile to the track entrance, this year Virgil gave us a hand for only $5 plus the $5 tip we gave him. Sweet deal)
9:17
– Rick introduces himself to Virgil.
Rick: “What’s your name buddy?”
Virgil: “Tony.” (R – They have a weird southern dialect in Baltimore)
Rick: “Nice to meet you Tony. I’m Marty, and these are my friends Marty, and Marty.”
Virgil: “Wow, you guys are all named Marty?”
Ostrowe: “Yeah, that’s how we met.” (R – That doesn’t really explain anything)
9:22 – Marty Piccinich signs up as a designated driver
Rick: I’m a DD, what do I have to do to get a free hat
Lady: Just sign up on this list
Rick: Wait, I don’t have to drive other people home do I
Lady: Nope
Rick: Good, can I have my free hat now….please
9:25 – Rick loses free hat
9:30 – Finally arrive in the infield
9:34 – Rick makes another note to self: Call Maxx at 12:00. Rick accosted by a bagel (R – once again a note I wrote to myself in the running diary, and once again a note I totally ignored. My bad
9:36
– A 5 foot in diameter Frisbee circle forms
9:37
– The circle dissipates
9:51
– The first Korean Rummy hand of the day. The over/under for the number of times that people will ask us if we are playing Texas Hold’em is set at 20 (under wins)
10:02

“Where’s the pisser?”
“Just use the fence” (Mind you that stand directly on the other side of the fence is Baltimore’s
finest)
10:16 – Boobies (R – This one chick was wearing a shirt which said ‘Yes they are real” and she would flash the crowd about a million more times after this but I only gave the show about a 5)
10:36 – Dmo ignores the keen advice of Hacksaw Mark and sprints out of the gate (referring to his early Korean Rummy Championship Match lead)
10:31 – What the hell? A horse just flew by. (R – Hey asshole we are at a horserace remember?)
10:50
– Hopkins chicks sitting behind us ask us why we need so much space for four more people. Ostrowe replies “You should see Eddie O, he’s freaking huge”
11:15
– Jurgen and the gang are officially cum whores for being slow mother fuckers (R – they said they would be leaving at 9, and this is the Preakness, what were they waiting for? They need to get their priorities straight)
11:22 – Rick throws his cards down in disgust
11:23 – The cum whores arrive, they add a late entry to the running diary…
9:50 Murph (at dunkin donuts) “I’ll have this bottle of water and………..that banana” The entire store stopped, no one understood what they had heard, but the banana was rung up as an “extra dry topping”
11:25 – Biggest Boobies Ever
(R – These things were enormous. She wound up flashing the crowd one more time and then leaving because she was being heckled so much, but it was her own fault. You don’t come to Preakness with those things dressed in a skimpy bikini and expect not to be heckled. They get an 8 just due to sheer size although they are not my cup of tea)
11:34 – Dmo tries to hit Poppers with the Frisbee, he ducks and it hits Random Guy A
11:35 – Ric Flair Chop (R – I didn’t sell it)
11:37 – Jurgen the Hit Man Hart shows up to mourn the late Owen Hart

11:40 – Everyone agrees that The Big H is hot (O – The Big H was a petite Hopkins chick with a red bikini and a hat with an “H” on it. Her face kinda resembled Schwawa if only Schwawa was good looking and didn’t have huge gums)
11:41 – First Casualty (R – I’m guessing this was someone being carried out on a stretcher and when that usually happens people scream at him like he is a horse running in a race)
11:43 – Ostrowe and Poppers solve the puzzle, the answer was http://www.Carteretmorgage.com, Gutter show em what they have won
11:56 – Two girls take their shirts off and perform the most viewed chest bump this side of the Mississippi
12:00 pm – Dmo has wondered off by himself already and has been gone for 15 minutes
12:01 – Eddie O gets pantsed by Jurgen. Jurgen proclaims “He looks like Saddam but with a smaller penis”
12:20
– Rick and Ostrowe stop at Black Eyed Susan vendor to get souvenier glass. Ostrowe has the following conversation with the schwoogie behind the counter.
Ostrowe: “Can I get a Black Eyed Schwoogie?”
Schwoogie: “What? You mean Black Eyed Susie.”
Ostrowe: “Yeah, that too.”
12:33
– Unanimous decision that this is the best weather ever for a horse race
12:36
– Jurgen is hammered
Who will be more hammered by the end of the day?
Ostrowe – 12 votes
Jurgen – 2 votes (R – Even strangers were voting for Ostrowe, maybe they favored his nice eyes?)
12:41 – Ostrowe starts drinking vodka cranberry out of his one gallon bottle
12:42 – Poppers tries to pee on the fence but is met by cries of “noooooooooo” from chubby guy. It’s good to make your enemies early
12:45
– That kid is so emo (O – This group of emo kids sat down in front of us. This one kid was so emo, if you want to know how much more emo he could be, the answer would be none. None more emo.)
12:46 – Chubby guy tries to apologize for being an ass, Jurgen will have nothing of it, Ostrowe says “If this guy doesn’t get out of my face I am going to give him the stunner”
12:56 – Drunkenness Race opened up to all entries; Ostrowe is the favorite is win, Jurgen is the favorite to place and Dmo is the front runner to show. Poppers and Eddie O trail the pack
1:00 – Ostrowe runs into a guy who has a real version of his shirt
1:05 – Ostrowe tries to brutalize Rick with a chair shot but event staff R2’s his attack
1:06 – Ostrowe starts telling girls that they are wearing too much clothes
1:07 – Jurgen proclaims he will be back by the sixth race
1:15 – Chick pees on fence
1:16 – Boobies
1:20
– Poppers launches an unprovoked attack on the Chinese people next to us
“What are these Chinese Chickens? Is this a buffet? It’s the Preakness not the Chinese Derby. This is the Fucking Preakness not the God damn Tokyo Dome. Fusaichi Pegasus isn’t running today………………………I might show” (R- these Chinese people did nothing but sit next to us, even we didn’t say any degrading comments about them, Poppers just started ranting out of nowhere for no apparent reason) (O – even I thought Poppers was out of line and that’s saying something
1:24 – Some guy in a Michigan State shirt walks by, Poppers loves his shirt and takes 5 minutes to tell him so
1:28 – Ostrowe – “Poppers if we were trying to pick up guys, you’d be our MVP.” Ostrowe prematurely declares this to be his line of the day. Read on and decide for yourself if he was right.
1:29
– Testicle Guy makes Ostrowe the first winner of the day. Jurgen did not make it back for the sixth race
1:43 – Jurgen spears Poppers, or as my dad said, tries to act out Ostrowe’s shirt
1:46 – Jurgen’s phone apparently says some degrading things to him and he throws it for the first time
1:50 – Rick bets on the big race, doesn’t bet box Trifecta of Alex, Giacomo and Scrappy due to desire to have enough money to pay for the ride back
2:08 – Frisbee is gone
2:10 – Boobies
2:11 – Dmo pisses his pants a.k.a. he gets shoved into a porta potty
2:16 – Another hot chick walks by and Rick fails to get her attention
Poppers: “You blew it Rick
Rick: “If she had a penis you could have talked to her”
2:18 – Murph pronounced dead, partying with Reagan
2:20
Rick: “We should tell people that someone died”
Ostrowe: “Gerald Ford
Rick: “Too simple, it makes sense”
Ostrowe: “Chevy Chase
Rick: “hahahahahahaha, perfect”
Rick: “Hey mom. What? Chevy Chase
died? You’re kidding me. Of what? That’s terrible.” (hangs up phone) “Chevy Chase just died.”
2:25
– The rumor spreads like wildfire. (R – I blame the schools)
2:30 – Dmo vows to never take another Vegas Vacation; Ostrowe successfully feigns outrage: “What the hell is wrong with you, the guy hasn’t even been dead for 20 minutes!”
2:32 – Guy from Queens, who placed bets on Scrappy T because “he had the largest nuts” (Scrappy T is a gelding which means he has no balls), thinks it’s cool to be an asshole to random girls by pushing them into his pool. (R – He apparently read my website and took it all to heart)
2:45
– At least 200 people will know about the late Chevy Chase. (Most people are shocked, one guy immediately said that he must have been on drugs and the heart attack was a cover up)
2:56
– Jurgen is alive. He informs us that he has three important things to tell us. Who knows what they are? Not Jurgen.
2:59
– Jurgen/Ostrowe I – Ostrowe attempts to spear Jurgen. Jurgen manages to fight him off and wrestle him to the ground with a bag of chips in his hand. Jurgen is declared victorious and a truce is declared; Ostrowe waits 4 seconds before violating the truce with a brutal Flair chop.
3:00 – Dmo: “I only notice the horses when the people start screaming”
Ostrowe: “I notice that the chick in the blue is fat”
3:03 – Two people start making out and Jurgen walks over to give the chick tips on the proper way to kiss a guy
3:13 – Rick: “It’s so damn hot but at least I won everyone’s Maryland Hold’em Money.”
3:34 – First Aid working overtime, 3 dead in last 20 minutes
3:36 – Jurgen picks a fight with emo guys (R – good thing he walked away because those kids were way too emo for him)
3:40 – Jurgen launches cookies into crowd
3:50 – Poppers pronounced dead
3:53 – Hot chick walks by and as Rick stares at her ass the wind blows her skirt up to reveal that she isn’t wearing underwear. (R – Apparently word hasn’t reached God that we are the worst people ever
4:00
– Dmo flatulates in Rick’s general direction
4:02
– Ostrowe punches the beer out of Eddie O’s hand (O – I really thought this happened earlier in the day. But then again I really had no idea what was going on.
4:03
– Save of the Century: Jurgen trips over the cooler and somehow manages to not go ass over face
4:06
– Jurgen throws phone again and screams that “Hopkins Fucking Sucks”. Jurgen/Ostrowe II: This Time It’s Personal – Jurgen attempts to spear Ostrowe. Ostrowe blocks the spear and counters it into a DDT. Ostrowe declared victorious. Truce is called, this time no Flair chops.
4:07
– Murph comes back from the dead and appears out of thin air to pour beer on Dmo. Jurgen takes offense to it and proceeds to show Murph the proper way to pour beer on Dmo and the beer war erupts. Running Diary survives a scare
4:10
– Poppers still dead, Dmo, Ostrowe and Jurgen dissapear into oblivion (O – We were going to visit chicks. Hard to believe but true nonetheless.)
4:18 – On walk to visit chicks, Jurgen swipes 30 pack of Bud Light from frat-looking guys without breaking stride; frat guys don’t notice until it is too late.
4:20
– Poppers is alive, another dead person is carried by and Poppers is the only one who cares
4:21
– Dmo, Ostrowe and Jurgen arrive at chicks’ campsite. Ostrowe is introduced as Ostrowe, chicks are confused.
4:25
– Poppers shouts obscenities at and thus scares away a feeble Bernie Williams
4:27
– Ostrowe sits down on 30 pack which then collapses. Ostrowe then begins using 30 pack as footrest and using the chicks’ cooler as a pillow. In an unprovoked attack, Dmo kicks Jurgen in the face for absolutely no reason and the two begin wrestling in the dirt as the chicks scream at them to stop.
4:30
– Kentucky Derby lesbian look-alike spotted
4:31
– One of the chicks, Jen, makes the mistake of initiating a conversation with Ostrowe.
Jen: “So your name is Ostrowe?”
Ostrowe: “Yeah.”
Jen: “What’s your last name?
Ostrowe: “Ostrowe.”
Jen: “So what’s your first name?”
Ostrowe: “I don’t want to tell you, its gay.”
Jen: “Come on, just tell me.”
Ostrowe: “. . . Marty.”
4:36
– In yet another unprovoked attack, Dmo kicks the cooler out from under Ostrowe’s head.
4:40
– Poppers admits he had a crush on the MSU guy
4:41
– Jen: “This sucks, guys have been molesting me all day.”
Ostrowe: “Why?”
Jen: “Because of my shirt.”
Ostrowe: (notices her shirt says “Squeeze Me”) “Ooh, can I squeeze you?”
Jen: “NO!”
Ostrowe: (tries to molest Jen)
4:50
– Professor Poppers Revelation of the day®
“Every teen likes rap, not every teen likes Audioslave. Rock is too segregated” Pahhhh
4:54 – Dmo, Jurgen and Ostrowe return
4:56 – Ostrowe fully approves of Eddie O’s crotch (O – I was going to try and write an explanation of this but it just made me sound gayer)
5:00 – Ostrowe: “These guys are so loaded they passed out….that’s totally emo”
5:05 – Jurgen: “What is that thing?”
Ostrowe: “It’s practically the fetal position”
Jurgen: “No, your drink”
Ostrowe: “oh”
5:06 – Football flies from oblivion (or the beyond) and strikes Eddie O
5:07 – Jurgen drops his drink and goes on a Godzilla like rampage destroying the final game of Korean Rummy thus ruining everyone fun.
5:09 – My boy blue shows up mumbles more incoherent sentences than Rick in his sleep
5:11 – Jurgen takes his pants………………offffffffffff
5:12 – Poppers: “Murph is dead”
Ostrowe: “He’s more alive than Chevy Chase”

5:20 – Sweet Murph Teriyaki (O – Murph was lying on the ground with a Subway wrapper covering his face)
5:30 – A guy in his skivvies runs and dives into a kiddie pool that he has no relation to
Rick: “It must be nice to be in a state where that seems like a good idea”
5:32 – Some guy walks by with a shirt that says he went to Belmont in 1989. (R – I was six, he is at least 36 and still partying in the infield)
5:34
– Jurgen dons Ricks coat for no apparent reason and throws his phone again
5:36
– Ostrowe: (to some girls) “You need a place to sit? My face is open”
5:38
– Moment of silence for Murph denied
5:40 – Rick: “Hey look, that chick’s hot. But she’s smoking. :-(”
Ostrowe: “Who, Smokey Smokerstein
over there?” (R – Normally when a girl smokes she automatically loses ten points on a scale of ten with me, however, Smokey Smokerstein managed to be an exception)
5:47 – Emo kids begin Screaming Infidelities at each other
5:48 – Ostrowe: “Blondie, Blackie sit on my face”
5:50 – EMO FIGHT!
5:52
– Ostrowe: “Jimmy is gay.” (R – This was Ostrowe’s rebuttal to the fact that Jimmy would not be present on the booze cruise)
5:52 – Ostrowe hits on a chick who takes a rest in Eddie O’s chair
5:55 – Ostrowe’s Emo Meter breaks (R – This guy wasn’t very emo) (O – No wonder my emo meter broke, those kids sitting in front of us were too emo for it to handle)
6:00 – Ostrowe’s voice cracks
6:05 – Poppers: “ Giacomo’s mother is a whore, she fucks for money”

Everyone boos Giacomo
6:07
– Ostrowe writes his web address on some chicks arm
6:08 – Jurgen begins to pick a fight with Eddie O. Murph says he won’t do anything because Eddie O is passive
6:15
– Fight of the Century breaks out
Fisticuffs, Tom O’Leary, Jack Johnson all present
One guy grabs a folding chair and wreaks havoc on people’s heads and backs. Blood everywhere. The fight begins to settle down, the catalyst is restrained but some asshole lands a sucker haymaker to the catalyst’s face
6:16 – Ostrowe stuns Poppers (Poppers sells it)
6:18 – Fight of the Century breaks out again, more of the same
6:20 – Eddie O’s Chair threatens to slam Ostrowe’s face into a car windshield and then take his Mom out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again

Coach O’Shea’s chair never stood a chance. It even sold the stunner better than Dmo did after the NBA Draft.

6:22 – Disappointment, Rick’s un-bet $3 Trifecta hits, pays out $872 for every $2. 26 years without a Triple Crown winner
6:30 – Ostrowe spits on Rick’s jacket, Rick punches him, Ostrowe retaliates with a stunner, Rick doesn’t sell it (O – I don’t remember this. I don’t remember this at all)
7:00
– Recap of the walk back:
Ostrowe falls on his face while carrying the cooler
Inappropriate comments made by Ostrowe:

Schwoogie: “Anyone want to donate money to firefighters?”
Ostrowe: “Sorry I don’t speak Negro”
Rick: “I don’t know this kid, he just paid me to carry his cooler.”

“Take your top off”

Rick: “Hey look a Mustang”
Ostrowe: “Hey look a cheesy moustache……yea that’s right. I’m talking to you” (R – The guy was standing right next to us)

“Hey I want to have sex with your mouth”

“I want to touch your dirty parts”
7:30 – While driving on I-95:
Rick: (while on the phone with Sara he looks over at Ostrowe) “What the Fuck are you doing! Are you trying to pee out the window?”
Ostrowe: (arrogantly) “Yeah”
7:31
– Rick pulls over and Ostrowe walks 100 yards into the woods to pee (Post Script – 3 weeks later)
7:48
– Return to Westgate. While standing outside of the car Rick and Ostrowe decide to leave the cooler in the car, Dmo just walks over and picks it up and carries it inside
7:50 – After seeing a picture of Sara, Ostrowe proclaims,
“I want to pee on Sara Squareboobs” (O – I don’t remember saying this. Sara, I apologize. Unless you are into that sort of thing, then we can work something out.)
8:00 – Rick barely has enough money to get home, so lets go to Olive Garden
8:05 – Dmo tells us about the Formal Ric Flair Chop, it’s delicate and features a grab at the end
8:10 – Ostrowe: “Thanks for holding the door Mr. Negro” (R – We should be dead)
8:13 – We decide not to wait 40 minutes at Olive Garden, but neglect to return the beeper they give us. Dmo thinks it’s a good idea to walk across Route 1
8:20 – While driving across the street, Ostrowe passes out chanting “Big Lenny”
8:22 – Ostrowe passes out at Ledo’s, Dmo hits him with menu
8:23 – Ostrowe: (to waitress) “I just want you to write down on your notepad that this guy (Rick) likes to have sex with men”
8:25 – Waitress falls for Chevy Chase “joke”
8:26 – It’s official, no one should ever talk to us, we are the worst people ever
8:40 – Food comes, Ostrowe leaves. Hilarity ensure watching Ostrowe try to find the car in his state
9:00
– Rick: (to Ostrowe) “Why the hell are you pants off”
Ostrowe: “I was walking back to the car and they just fell off, I tried to stop them. They are just poorly constructed”
9:04 – The beeper starts going off, our table is ready at Olive Garden
11:13 – Rick declares that we will NOT make it to Mar’s graduation tomorrow
11:20 – Our table is still ready
11:45 – Dmo goes to bed without playing anymore Korean Rummy

Sunday May 22

12:07 am – Still playing Smackdown. Officially not going to Graduation
12:15 – Ostrowe wins last pants standing match (R – I know this sounds gay but I assure you it’s not)
12:16 – Ostrowe crashes into Rick’s good knee…..clearly a lie
4:08 – Rick mumbles inaudible sentence in his sleep
7:00 – Rick awakes as Murph and Eddie O leave and he tells Ostrowe that he was glad we left an hour ago for Mar State
7:30 – CSI is called in to figure out who drowned the Olive Garden beeper in the sink
8:30 – Dmo points out that we could still probably make it to Mar’s graduation; we decide to sit around playing Smackdown for 4 hours instead of making the attempt.
9:00 – We’re only an hour from Mar State, but somehow we are still playing Smackdown in MD
10:00
– Mar calls Rick. (R – In the background all I could hear was the graduation that we were not at)
Rick: “Happy Graduation”
Mar: “What?” (Hangs up)
12:00
– Instead of leaving for NY, Rick and Dmo go out to look for cables for camera/TV connection.
12:20 pm – Rick realizes his phone is gone
1:00 – Korean Rummy controversy but finally the belt has come back to Rockland

Official Scorecard of the Preakness Korean Rummy Championship 5/21/05
Dmo Rick Ostrowe
-.25 -.50 +.75
+.50 -.75 +.25
+1.25 -1.00 -.25
+2.00 -1.50 -.50
+3.25 -1.75 -1.50
+4.75 -2.75 -2.00
+6.25 -3.25 -3.00
+7.50 -4.25 -3.25
+7.25 -5.25 -2.00
+3.25 -.25 -3.00
+3.00 -1.25 -1.75
+2.00 EVEN -2.00
+2.75 -.25 -2.50
+2.50 +1.00 -3.50
+2.25 +1.75 -4.00
+2.00 +1.25 -3.25
+1.50 +2.00 -3.50
The winner and NEW Korean Rummy Champion, The Rick
(R – I’d like to thank Jurgen and Buddy C for making this possible)

1:16 – Rick: “I am a reckless abandon.”
1:34 – We get passed by a car with a “BURGNDY” license plate; surprisingly we don’t get hit in the face with a burrito.
1:50
– We pass a Bobby’s Potty on the side of the road.
2:26 – We pass an Ashy Larry lookalike with a “HYNOTIK” license plate blaring Alice Cooper’s “Poison” on his car stereo. Don’t think anyone saw that coming.
3:02 – The bad news is Rick can’t use a cell phone near the gas pump, the good news is that he doesn’t have a phone to use
3:07 – Ostrowe declares his advice for chicks: “The only way to get a guy to stop talking about another girl is to suck it”
3:16 – Rick declares Delaware to be the “Worst. State. Ever.” (Now we all know how much Rick hates Massachusetts
, but Delaware is worse thanks to this simple mathematical reason. Massachusetts has about 4 times the amount of suck as Delaware, however, it is about 5 times bigger than Delaware, therefore Delaware has more suck per square mile than Massachusetts)
3:18 – Rick loses his mind completely, starts singing Adam Sandler’s “Hanukah Song” and “Lonely Jew on Christmas” from South Park
4:18 – Another traffic jam = More evidence of poor planning on Rick’s part
4:30 – Rick loses his mind again
4:32 – There’s nothing to do in New Hampshire but be Emo
4:48 – Rick looks in the mirror and thinks to himself, “hey that person has a Springfield College Sticker”. It’s on the car he is driving
5:34
– Rick’s parents’ plane lands; we are still sitting in traffic in the middle of Jersey.
5:37
– Rick’s dad calls and expresses his disgust with us for not leaving earlier.
5:59
– Rick’s dad calls once more to express his disgust and threaten us with bodily harm.
6:04
– Rick’s parents call back and tell us not to bother picking them up.
6:10 – Moment of silence held in honor of the late Smokey Smokerstein, who won’t be able to make it to next year’s Preakness due to succumbing to lung cancer.
6:12
– We stop to fill up Rick’s dad’s tank as a gesture of good faith.
6:15
– Ostrowe suggests that when Rick’s dad yells at him for not picking them up, Rick tell his dad, “You’ll get over it, you’re just having your period.” Rick spits soda all over himself as a result of Ostrowe’s suggestion. (R – I assure you Dad, this was never an option
6:35
– After playing several 3 stages of hell matches over the weekend, we have clearly found the fourth stage of hell: this ride back.
6:41
– Finally, The Rick and Ostrowe have come BACK to Rockland.
Rick: “You wanna go to the Big S?”
Ostrowe: “With what money?
Rick: “Touche’, Marty.”
6:50
– Sara Squareboobs is clairvoyant. On Saturday, she told Rick that she wished he got a new phone, and on Sunday he lost his phone. Pahhhhhh.
7:36 – Rick finally arrives home, awaits scolding of a lifetime
7:45 – Rick finds out that some guy called Brian earlier reporting that some one found Rick’s phone, there is a chance the Startac might be saved (R – We are working with a real rocket scientist here, after looking through my phone book he decided to call Brian instead of home
7:55 – Judgement hour, receive cocotazo from parents
8:30 – Rick shows his parents and his Aunt the pictures from the trip, they respond with “You guys are losers no wonder you can’t pick up chicks” (R – At least you can always rely on your family to be brutally honest

Well, we set out to accomplish three things this weekend. Preakness, Mar State and pick up Rick’s parents, only one occurred but since we were involved this was expected. The over/under in Vegas was at 1.5 but the casino stoped taking bets because too many people bet the under. At the end of Saturday Ostrowe clearly has more to drink than Jurgen, but Jurgen was in pretty bad shape so the race was determined to be a dead heat. Dmo showed by a neck over Poppers. Murph tested positive for Irish genes so he was declared ineligible for the race.

Official Ranking of Triple Crown Races on the Piccinich Scale
Race Highlights
1) 2003 Belmont: It poured all day. This is not an exaggeration. It was a down pour from 9 am till 7 pm. This was the site of the lemon relay, Ostrowe stealing a stretcher from the men’s room, Ostrowe intentionally peeing himself after rationalizing it to everyone around him and an all in all good time. Funny Cide failed to win the Triple Crown extending the drought to 26 years without a Triple crown winner
2) 2005 Preakness: Perfect weather and for the rest see running diary above. The day went too quickly . The only bad part was the abscence of Mar
3) 2004 Kentucky Derby:
It’s the derby, bad weather led to great weather led to the worst rainstorm ever led to decent weather. Lesbians, Hacksaw, Mud Puddle Mosh Pit. Did I mention that we spent two days in Kentucky as part of a 4 day roadtrip and nothing went wrong. Except all three of us hitting our faces on the shower head in the hotel even with the warnings
4) 2004 Preakness: Our first visit to the Pimlico infield allowed us to witness Ostrowe’s crazy sunburn, Ostrowe licking random chicks, Ostrowe blacking out for 5 hours, Ostrowe screaming about his late uncle to Long Island guys sitting next to us. Ostrowe was clearly the MVP of this day.
5) 2003 Preakness: Sandy Chang, Ben Howland, Chesey Moustache guy stomps our camera
6) 2004 Belmont: Pupino makes fun of Philly all day, Alan Embree’s mistress, Smarty Piccinich Jones crushes the dream of millions and extends the streak to 27
7) 2002 Belmont: Ostrowe was not present for this one, it was our virgin race. Jamie Fitzgerald drove us. There was a huge fight at the end. We were passive except for when we traded a quarter handle of Uncle Jack for 4 beers

Retro Post: Proverbs

Since Geocities is pretty much useless, I will finally start to transfer everything over to the blog. First up is The Rick vs. Proverbs. I wrote this post during the Summer of 2004. For those who have never seen it, have fun, and if you have read it before, take a stroll down Memory Lane.

You know all those “wise” things people say to try to cheer you up sometimes…They Suck. So I figured I should do something about it. CAUTION: I am retarded so this can get messy

Showing boring, played out cliche’s who’s boss since sometime last week

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch: Buy a dozen eggs, count em, there’s 12, now eat them

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush: Personally I’d rather have two hands in the bush b/c then you know that bush is a keeper. Plus a bird in the hand would definitely poop on you

A penny saved is a penny earned: A penny saved makes you a jew

Don’t cry over spilt milk: Yea unless it’s rare Cambodian Breast Milk, I only drink the finest milk

Don’t spit into the wind: Mar that goes for urine too I would assume

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water: Yea don’t be ignorant, that’s poopie work

Half a loaf is better than no bread: Tell that to John Bobbit

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again: If at first you don’t succeed, give up it wasn’t worth it in the first place

One man’s meat is another man’s poison: Yea it is dumbass, I’m not gonna touch any other guy’s meat

One swallow doesn’t make a summer: Oh yes it does, it would make my summer, but I guess multiple swallows would be better

Practice makes Perfect: But nobody’s perfect so why practice

The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach: Or his penis

The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice: I’m not touching that one

Loose lips sink ships: Yea and they also get pregnant and get diseases

Killing two birds with one stone: Do the two birds have to be flying? So you would have to throw a stone into the air and hit one bird on the way up and then as gravity takes over the stone hits another bird on the way down. That’s unlikely but I’d like to see it. However would it count if you caught two birds and tied them both to the stone and threw the stone in the ocean?

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander: Kirin Ichiban (I miss Walter)

Dead as a door nail: A door nail was never alive therefore you can’t be as dead as one

What ever can go wrong will go wrong: The first half of the Cincimino Effect

If the father is a frog, the son will be a frog: The son will be a prince you idiot, hasn’t mother goose taught you anything

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence: Just move the fence and you’ll be all set

Two heads are better than one: Since I have two heads I know for a fact it’s not better than one. Each one thinks it know more than the other. And the one that makes the decisions usually gets me in trouble, maybe because he only has one eye…..