Lighting in a Bottle?

My imagination can be dangerous sometimes. I’m able to come up these best case scenarios almost instantaneously for the most random of daily occurrences. I could be in the supermarket looking at the same type of yogurt as a good looking girl and the next second I am imagining out first date, which goes swimmingly because since we like the same type of yogurt, that means we like ALL the same things, then we move in together, we get married and we have 2.5 kids with a nice house in the burbs. The third second is spent realizing I am alone and the store is about to close, but that is besides the point. Or maybe when I take a awesome picture in Central Park and picturing myself reviewing the picture at the same time as the photo editor for New York Magazine unknowingly walks behind me and catches a glimpse of the shot out of the corner of his eye and offers me a job on the spot which leads to me becoming a famous photographer and hanging out with Aziz Ansari and Nikki Whelan

99% my best case scenario is never going to happen, but the 1% chance that it could happen is just enough to make it alright dealing with disappointment all those other times.

This afternoon, I came across one of those 1% moments.

I swung by Duane Reade to pick up some things and was greeted by a huge line waiting to check out. 9 times out of 10 I would just abandon ship and come back another time. Dumb I know, but what do you expect? It was at that time I noticed a good looking girl standing at the end of the line. I immediately took my place right behind her. While shuffling through the elaborate maze I almost thought of a good ice breaker line, but the best I came up with was “Lay’s potato chips eh?” Five minutes later she paid and after a half second of eye contact, she was gone forever. Or was she. In my head I was already resigned to hit up the supermarket afterwards unless for some reason she lived in my building two blocks away. I made a right out of Duane Reade and saw her half a block ahead of me. As she hit Dag Hammarskjold, she changed course by about 15 degrees making a beeline for my building. I abandoned the supermarket idea and lengthened my strides. I made it to the lobby a few seconds behind her and made sure to greet Julio the doorman rather loudly so that she wouldn’t think I was a stalker creep. [Ed. Note: If she ever reads this paragraph, like you right now, she will no doubt think I am a stalker creep. (Ed. Note Ed. Note: I’m not a stalker creep. I swear) /Ed. Noteception] Getting in the elevator, the simultaneous head nod acknowledged we both knew we were just in Duane Reade together, then this exchange happened.

(Rick notices NBC Universal badge sticking out of her wallet)
Rick: Hey! You work at NBC?
GLG: (Creeped Out) Yea.
Rick: Oh I work in sports there
GLG: (No longer creeped out) Oh I work for MSNBC. Are you in sales?
Rick: Nah, programming. You?
GLG: Sales. We actually work on the same floor as the sports sales guys
Rick: Oh, you are over in McGraw Hill now. When did you move over there?
GLG: About two months ago or so. Are you still in 30 Rock?
Rick: Yea. For now, but we are moving to Stamford
GLG: Oh, are you going to move up there?
Rick: Hahah, no. That would be dumb.
GLG: Totally

As she got off the elevator I got her name and immediately looked up her work email address on my blackberry then made the smart move of not emailing her right away. Can’t believe that just happened. Everything is coming up Milhouse. Stay tuned

(Ridiculous Next Day Update: Got an email from Mar on Monday morning.  Apparently GLG is roommate with his girlfriend who used to be my neighbor when I lived in Rockland. I should probably take this post down.)

(“Ridiculous Next Day Update” Update: Mar is a dick.  That was his April Fools joke.  And that was awesome.  Not too many years when I get fooled good twice)

Yearbooks

Song for this Post: Photograph by FauxNickleback
What the hell is on Ross’ Head?

In the process of cleaning house, I found all my yearbooks and will share some observations with you.

1998 – 8th Grade
Number of Signatures: 35

75% of these entries refer to me as Spike. Unfortunately not because I was the star of Coach O’Shea’s Cowboy Football Team. I probably couldn’t even do one pull-up on the coach’s arm. However, I was able to use a gratuitous amount of hair gel to spike my hair. The following year, it became alright to wear hats in school, therefore, no more need to buy hair gel.

Notable Entries:

Nick, Hey Sweety […] we def. have to hang out this summer. Love Tara
I’m not sure who this impostor is, but I am positive we never even talked again

This Book is Property of OZ. Signed Inmate Alex. TheAmazing1@.com
I must have done a pretty good job of convincing this kid that I watched OZ, because I never have. Unless of course he himself only pretended to watch it to try to be as “cool” as me.

[…] I hope we will be friends for a long long time. Love Always, Megan HW
Once again another person I haven’t talked to in ages. It is amazing with how many girls signed the book “Love Always.”

Dear Nick, You’re awesome sexy […]
That’s correct

Nick (Bud), I hope you and *** get together this summer […] I hope your dog doesn’t fart on you again […] so do you like anyone else besides ***? […] I hate cheese. Eww I hate Peanut Butter! By the end of the summer you better go skinny dipping with me and the gang. Love, Lauren.
Whoa. (Checks year) Yup, I was 14. I think it is illegal for me to elaborate on this entry.

[…] You should go out with Lauren. You guys would look cute. You know you want to go skinny dipping alone with her. Love, Kristen
Bah, I used to be cool.

1999 – Freshman Year
Number of signatures: 0

Wow, what a difference a year makes…ok ok ok, don’t worry. Not to many people get yearbooks freshman year. Megan said we would be friends for a long time…she will be there.

2000 – Sophmore Year
Number of Signatures: 0

Once is a fluke, twice is a trend. But then again the inside cover is black. Maybe, I just can’t see the signatures.

Nope, nothing there.

2001 – Junior Year
Number of Signatures: 4!

Jen (Moro’s homecoming dae)
Shorty (I was her Jr. Ball Date)
and

Jaromir Jagr Faquer – You are one crazy bastard hit it low and you can hit the 100 sign with any club. Hit that bitch with confidence. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon is the key to life. Come visit at college in Nova. Start early, end late, cut bitch. -The person soon to be known as Mar

To Nick, You are one crazy kid. It’s been cool these past couple of years. Like shootin hoops, trips to the mall, and who can forget my CAR! Well I guess I will see you next year over breaks and stuff and I am going to come back from college with a smoking hot girlfriend! -Chris Moro
He left out Beep Bop Boop Bip

2002 – Senior Year
Number of Signatures: 1

The Fucking Rick, Here are some words to live by courtesy of one of the greatest thinkers of all time. Myself. You are a fucking mexican. Start drinking alcohol mother fucker. Hot chicks love horses and if you love horses then according to the transitive property, hot chicks must love you. Watch those fuckers with great interest. Hit that bitch with confidence. Always fold a hand you can’t win with. And above all, if you are too careful, your life can become one big fucking grind. – Mar “I’m just a regular kid” aka greatest worker of all time

So apparently I have been socially retarded for longer than I care to remember. What is the moral of this story. Kids with hair gel have more friends than kids with hats.
F ’em if they don’t like my hat.

The Prophecy

Born in 1503, Nostradamus was a French Apothecary who is considered by many to the greatest prophet who ever lived (Yes, even better than Ms. Cleo). However, you have to take this with a grain of salt, since everything that he has ever written has been interpreted a myriad of ways to fulfill the purpose whoever happens to be translating his work. Many people credit Nostradamus with predicting the Great London Fire, the rise of Napoleon & Hitler, and the September 11th attacks. However, these events are always pointed after they happen, and as they say, hind sight is 20/20. However, until recently there has been one passage that has puzzled the finest philosophers the world has to offer.

Page 24, Paragraph 4 of Les Propheties states:
In the 8th year after the coming of the new millennium, the wind shall return to a gentle man that doth reign over thy mountains with an iron coozie.

On June 17, 2006, Covering the Spread was given credit for providing the most logical translation of this passage.

M: Bah I’m going to call Douglas
R: You just called him five minutes ago, it went straight to voicemail.
M: Bah it went straight to voicemail
R: Don’t worry you can call back in five minutes when you forget about this time.
M: Bah it’s late. I bet Jimmy is buying thousand dollar ties right now.
R: At 4 AM?
M: Bah I’m winded
(An Over/Under has been set for June 18, 2008 for when Mar stops saying, “I’m winded”)

As I am writing this, it has been three days since the last time Mar was winded. I don’t even know what to say about that. Stay tuned as we wait two weeks to find out if Mar will ever be winded again.

Eye Ninety-Five

In the days of yore, before you and I, the preferred means of transportation was horse and carriage. If the computer has taught me anything, long distance travel back then would involve fording three rivers, buying supplies at trading posts, and a pretty good chance of one member of your party dying of dysentery.

Then along came Henry Ford. His assembly line would revolutionize how people would travel. In addition, he ushered in the era of individualism by allowing people to have any color car that they wanted; so long as that color was black.

The Automobile made it easier for people to travel throughout the country. If you wanted to go from Maine to Florida, or any where in between, all you had to do was hop on Route One and you were on your way. Unfortunately between Maine and Florida there are over 2000 lights that you have to compete with. Not fun.

During his Presidency, Dwight D. Eisenhower alleviated this problem. Under his authority the Interstate Highway System as we know it today was developed (it is in fact named after him. There are still signs in some places that make note of this). However, like most changes, it too faced some detractors.

“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across
the country from coast to coast without seeing anything. ” – Charles Kuralt

So, I don’t know who Charles Kuralt is, but the point is, I can’t even imagine life without Interstate Highways. They rank up there with television, the Internet, and that plastic spout on orange juice cartons.

Now to get to Florida all you have to do is hop on I-95. (But unlike the lamp in the ikea commercial, Route One was not kicked to the curb, it just isn’t used for long distance travel anymore.) Ever since I have started driving, I have had a lot of contact with I-95. I have been on it during rainstorms, snow storms, blackouts, and even sniper shootings. But now I finally reach the point of all this fluff:

The Five Most Memorable Moments on I-95.
5. The White Van: On our return from College Park one year, Mar and I were cruising up the fast lane, when we were cut off by a white van. At the first moment we had a chance, we sped up and gave the driver the finger. Unbenounced to us, the driver and passenger were two African Americans who then proceeded to tail gate us among other dangerous maneuvers. I took this time to write a note to whom it may concern informing them that if we were found dead on the side of the road, it was more than likely due to this type of white van with the license plate [whatever it was].

4. Nutmegger: While stuck in traffic one weekend, Mar and I found some paper in the car and a sharpie and started the tradition of making signs for other drivers on the road. On this maiden voyage we pulled up alongside a young lady and showed her a sign reading: “Quit playing with my emotions.” She smiled. Since we were still very socially retarded we got very excited. We sped up to catch up with her and noticed that she took her hair out of her ponytail. This prompted our sign reading: “You look good with your hair down.” After she blushed we spent the next 50 miles or staying side-by-side with her trying to figure out our next move. When she got off the highway she instantly became the girl that got away and got herself into Piccinich lore.

3. People Know Us: When driving down to the 2005 Preakness, we stopped of at a rest stop in Jersey to get gas. Once again a sign came into play. By this point we were bringing a ream of paper with us in the car, and on this trip we had signs to go through the entire Anchorman People Know Me Monologue. While sitting at the gas pump, Ostrowe proceeded to show a woman who was sitting at the adjacent pump all of the signs. For some reason she believed us and 10 miles down the road she rolled down the window to tell us, while driving, that she told her husband about us and that he had heard of us.

2. Poison Ivy Gate: That same year after the Preakness Ostrowe, being hammered, decided that he had to pee. As documented in the running diary, he rolled down the window and angled himself towards the door. I asked him if he was trying to pee out the window and he arrogantly responded that he was. I immediately pulled over and Ostrowe matriculated his way into the woods to relieve himself. A week later he had the worse case of poison ivy I have ever seen.

1. Pawsox: Last summer “I was going to see a Pawsox game” so since I was in Rhode Island I decided to stop off and see Tara at work. “Jon who was supposed to come to the game with me” called up and said he couldn’t make it so I was “stuck in Rhode Island with nothing to do.” That night I stayed at Tara’s house and the rest is history.

The Wonders of Television

Television: A medium – so called because it is neither rare nor well done.

That’s not my quote, but it sounds good. While it may be debatable I don’t think there are two many other things that have benefited more from the creation of television than sports. With the advent of television the reach of sporting events expanded exponentially. One may argue that people may not want to go to the park if they can watch a game on TV. Not true. For one, the demand for tickets most places is huge, maybe not for the Royals, but they don’t count in this argument. Television also increases the exposure of a team, which can lead to increased merchandise sales among other things. And don’t forget all the added revenue a team gets from advertisements and enormous national television contracts.

At NBC Sports, we have 600 hours of programming scheduled for 2007. Next year that number will jump over 700 due to the Olympics. That sounds like a lot of hours to fill, but think, the worldwide leader has 8760 hours to fill every year. When you factor in the deuce, ESPNews, ESPNU & ESPN Classic that is 43800 hours of sports programming. AND I left out ABC Sports. All of these hours lead to a lot of random sports programming hitting the airwaves. One thing that has found its way to TV is the Press Conference. Over the years many athletes have delivered memorable press conferences and for this I am thankful.

So without further ado, some of the most memorable press conferences the Internet has to offer:

We’re talkin’ bout practice?:

41 Afterthoughts

1) I wasn’t going to do a post-game blog, but you talked me into it.

2) For the record I don’t know who “you” is

3) Since I don’t want the big, bad, omnipresent NFL coming after me, I will refrain from using their trademarked terms.

4) The 42.6 rating was pretty huge. And the average viewership of of 93.18 million makes it the third most-watched TV program of all time. Behind the game eleven years ago (Dallas v. Pittsburgh) and the MASH series finale

5) Speaking of the Dallas v. Pittsburgh game, why wasn’t a bigger deal made of the name of the game? The Porn Bowl would have been a great title. Granted I was in sixth grade at the time, but I still should have picked up on that.

6) The rain did not play a factor in the game

7) The USA Today chose the Budweiser Crab commercial as the best ad. Really?

8) So which ad was my favorite? Easy.

12) This list is going to be a lot harder than anticipated

13) Beep Bop Boop Bip

14) Rex Grossman was who we thought he was. And the Bears should let him get away.

15) The rating was greatly helped by Chicago playing. Chicago is the number three market in the country, so a big number there can boost the overall rating. Where were the two lowest ratings? New York and Los Angeles. The number one and two markets respectively.

16) Imagine how huge a New York v. Los Angeles game would be. Maybe NBC will be lucky enough to get that in 2009. Oh, wait……..

17) Here’s a new one. Out with a hiccup. It could happen. She could get away with it.

18) Moment of silence for the late JT Yorke. Just think at least they had to kill you off instead of just letting you disappear into oblivion. (See: Terri McGregor, the black kid who dated Liberty, and Kendra Mason)

19) Move over football, make way for March Madness…which is a great segway for the Masters which means that Summer is practically here!

20) Maybe

21) I

22) Can

23) Get

24) Away

25) With

26) Killing

27) Time

28) Like

29) This

30) Hahahaha Porn Bowl. I’m mature

31) Oh man I almost forgot. The ten-second promo spot for the Late Show was genius. Letterman cuddling with Oprah after their long time fued. Well played sirs. Side note Letterman originally wanted the ad to be with Trump and Rosie.

32) Read this entry in a sexy voice. Like Ricardo Montalban.

33) What is it with celebrities that gives them a different aura than most people. When I was walking downstair I passed Matt Lauer, Meredith Viera, and Martha Stewart setting up for a Today show piece and it felt different than watching say…Joe Schmo setting up something…I don’t know, shut up

34) I got a laser pen at work this week. I’ll give it away to person with the lowest unique bid so that I don’t go blind by next week. Did I mention it has a built-in 1GB flash drive. Bidding starts now.

35) Is that Enya playing? OH MY GOD THAT’S CM POINT’S ENTRANCE MUSIC!!

36) …..ladies…..

37) Why did CBS let Salesgenie.com run a spot so early in the broadcast? If I worked in compliance I would have blocked it due to its horrific nature. I guess it shows money talks. However, I guess people are talking about it and isn’t that what commercials are meant for.

38) Interesting fact. Advertisers usually fight for the early spots and those tend to be the most expensive, but generally the third quarter features the highest ratings.

39) One of Letterman’s top ten excuses why the Bears lost was: “Because Peyton said he would put us in a commercial with him if we let him win.” If you hated all the Peyton Mannning commercials before, get ready for even more. Sidenote, he makes $10 million a year in endorsements as of now. Just as a comparison, D. Wade makes $15 million

40) Chubbs still $4.99 a pound

41) It’s lessthan3…..I going to catch Goulet today….