Wow. That just happened

Earlier in the week Jmac informed us of a party he was hosting at his apartment in Stamford. Since no one had plans, and we have recently jumped at any chance to get out Rockland, Joyce, Dmo, Ostrowe, Rachel and Rick all planned on attending. Ostrowe and Rachel were in one car (because they planned on sleeping over) and Rick, Joyce, and Dmo were in another.
Note: This really happened
8:40 Arrive in Stamford, it is immediately apparent that Jmac’s roommates are friends with a lot of douchebags. His roommates, Mark & Druche, are the kings of the douchebags.
8:50 Rachel and Ostrowe have arrived, and we are already separated into two different factions. The Piccinich Faction is much cooler since it includes the only female at the party.
9:00 Occasionally Mark comes near us, & Joyce gets him to say Abby over and over. Anytime Druche approaches, Ostrowe is forced to subdue the urge to give him the RKO.
9:05 The PF has commandeered the TV, while the DBF plays beer pong. Rick & Justin have teamed up against Dmo & Joyce in an epic North/South battle in Tiger Woods. It only took 15 minutes for Joyce to get fidgety and not come back for his turn.
9:50 Split screen has been utilized. TWoods on one half, X Games on the other
10:00 Jmac’s new lady friend shows up with her two friends. The PF has made no effort to be social.
10:10 The PF tries to figure out a way to go to Milford instead without it being awkward. It is impossible.
10:30 PF still playing TWoods. Slowly, the girls have begun realizing the type of clientele they are dealing with in the DBF. Without making any effort, the PF has wooed the females away from the DBF.
10:35 One of the girls, Julie, works for New York Magazine. Obviously, the first question to her is: “Do you know Will Leitch?” She does not.
10:40 Rick makes the mistake of telling Joyce that she works for the New Yorker and is chastised.
10:50 Joyce sits down in one of the recliners and bumps into a table knocking it over. Somehow he is quick enough to steady the table before it goes down and grabs a shot glass before it crashes to the floor.
10:51 Amiss celebrating his skill, he proceeds to knock the table over. Rick quickly compares this to Chunk in the Goonies and makes it back into Julie’s good graces.
11:00 Druche sits on the couch, crushing Julie’s purse. She puts him in his place with some good sarcasm. Rick gives her a +1. She appreciates it
11:05 Druche now stands on the couch and nearly tips the entire thing over. Everyone is disappointed that it was only a nearly.
11:20 Julie’s friend Melissa comes over and starts talking to Rick. She does IT work hedge funds. She finds out that Rick does programming for NBC Sports (thanks to Dmo) and is excited to find a fellow computer nerd at the party. Rick disappoints her by telling her that he does TV programming, not computer programming. But he does love gadgets.
11:30 The DBF heads out to the bars leaving the PF alone in the apartment with the ladies…
11:40 The ladies… decide to head out to the bar. The PF reluctantly agrees to tag along. Melissa vows to lead us to the bar successfully
11:45 Sitting in the car, the PF agrees that going to the bar is a waste, and playing Trivial Pursuit at Joyce’s house while eating Prime Rib is a much more fun option. We decide to bail on the bar, however, Ostrowe left his bag inside Jmac’s apartment. He quickly makes up a story and calls Jmac to tell him he left his wallet in the apartment.
11:46 Jmac calls Rick, who is still sitting outside his apartment in front of Ostrowe in the car, to tell him they are turning around to bail out Ostrowe.
11:48 Jmac lets Ostrowe in the house. Melissa comes up to the car:
Melissa: Sorry we had to turn around…wait were you guys even following us?
(Simultaneously) Rick: Yes Dmo: Yes Joyce: No
11:49 Melissa walks away dejected
11:50 We once again tell Jmac we are going to the bar as Ostrowe gets into his car and plans on following Rick back to Rockland.
11:53 Joyce: “If Jim$ is building a pyramid, he is the first one to put his stick in the sand”
11:55 The car of Rick, Joyce, and Dmo are about to get on the highway when Joyce starts talking about how he has a chance with Julie and how cool she is:
Dmo: So why are we going home?
Joyce: I don’t know
Rick: I can still be talked into the bar.
Dmo: Me too
Rick: It would be for a good cause
Joyce: Ok, let’s go
Rick & Dmo: Nice
12:05 After getting directions from Melissa, we find a parking garage and walk towards the bar, but we decide that it is probably a good idea to let Ostrowe know about the change in plan.
12:06 Rick calls Ostrowe and gives the phone to Joyce. Joyce can only make bird calls.
12:07 Rick takes the phone back and apologizes for ditching the plan and gives Ostrowe Joyce’s garage code so he can let himself in.
12:25 Get to the bar and Jmac informs Rick that Melissa is really into him. Dmo thought that Melissa was Jmac’s woman. He is confused.
12:26 The DBF is at the bar. God we hate them.
12:31 Joyce just said that word
12:35 Joyce breaks out the dance push ups. The DBF begins to mimic him. This is actually really funny.
12:45 Rick is talking to Melissa and he turns his back for a second to help someone find their coat in the pile of coats. When he turns back, DBF King Mark is in between him and Melissa. She is not happy. Rick proceeds to watch the Australian Open
12:46 Rick turns back to check on the situation precisely as Melissa gives him a kick saying “bail me out here!” She hits him square in the nuts.
12:50 The PF changes locations along with the ladies to get away from the DBF
1:02 While chatting amongst ourselves, DBFK Mark sits next to Jmac and start whining to him: “I was making headway with Melissa. We were having a good talk, and then that guy comes over with his handsome face and ruins my chances. That is messed up.” Clearly he was not participating in the same conversation as Melissa.
1:10 Joyce executes a dance push up from the top rope. The rest of the bar immediately is concerned for his mental state
1:15 Julie: Daryl had a stroke? Is he ok? He is our age?
Jmac: Daryl had a heart attack
1:25 Joyce asks a random girl if she is pregnant. Not a good call.
1:35 DBFK Mark comes up behind Rick.
DBFKM: Good Job
Rick: Huh?
/Extends his hand to Rick
//Rick goes to shake
///DBFKM gives Rick the finger. Shakes hand. Walks away
1:50 The bar is closing so we start heading out. Julie and Melissa split before anyone can say goodbye.
1:52 Joyce breaks a town sprinkler.
1:55 Joyce: “I really like Julie. She gets me. She is a racist and says what I am thinking before I can think about saying it”
2:00 Drop Jmac and his lady friend off at the bar
2:15 Joyce: “I am the Bill Parcells of deep throating”
2:30 Do they have radios in heaven? I hope they do.
2:40 Arrive back at Joyce’s house. Ostrowe has been here for over two hours. He is hungry, so Joyce makes him ziti.
2:45 Joyce was heady enough to prepare anti-hangover treats in the kitchen so they would be easily accessible once he got home.
2:47 Rick leaves. Joyce, Ostrowe, and Rachel start to watch Rocky IV. Joyce makes it through about 5 minutes before walking upstairs and passing out.
3:00 May the god bless you for ever.

Retro Post: Perfect Situation

In an effort to get all the post from the old site onto the blog, we bring you this oldie, but goodie.

This Post is about one random night at Fitzys. January 7, 2006. This was before I even started hanging out with Tara. For another take on these events, check out Ostrowe’s POV.

Fitzy’s is a place like no other. As the official bar of the Piccinichs, it possesses an Anchorman like back story. As recently as two years ago, Ostrowe, Mar and myself dreaded hearing that we were going to Fitzy’s, then one day (I’m still not sure what day that was) we all joined The Boss in believing that Fitzy’s was the best bar in Rockland. Since that day it has been the sight of many epic evenings; the night The Boss claimed I was his attorney and sued everyone for not being fun, the 10-hour poker fest, which included not only a Joe Rutko sighting but also a sighting of my neighbor’s dad boozing at 8 am, and of course more recently the Best of Seven home/away Piccinich World Series of Darts.

However, the night of January 7, 2006 may rank above them all, except of course the World Series of Darts.

So after watching the Redskins win their playoff game, I was in a pretty good mood. Sara was in town so I gave her a call, but I never heard back from her. I got a call from Moro at 9:30 and he wanted to go out. The next morning I was due at The Rock at 9:45, so my plan was to call it a night before midnight so I could get some much needed sleep. Before I left my house I sent Ostrowe a message to see if he would like to join.

Upon arriving, I found Heim playing darts with these two chicks who I assumed were acquaintances of his. They all went outside for a smoke and by the time they got back Moro had joined me by the dartboard. It was about this time that I found out that in fact Heim had also just met these chicks. Heim declined to stay on the board for the next game even though he had won the previous one, so I teamed up with Ms. X, a fairly attractive brunette with glasses who lived in the city selling pharmaceuticals, and Moro teamed up with Ms. Y, a short, blonde, art teacher/stoner who was carrying about 20 pounds too many.

Now this is miraculous in the first place, me, the socially retarded Piccinich that I am, talking to chicks in a bar. During the game Moro was his regular self, making smart ass/rude comments to people he just met (and also pointing at people…including himself). I took it upon myself to defend the ladies who were nice enough to hang out with us for so long by telling them they didn’t have to listen to a word he said because he listens to Enya. This became a fairly popular joke throughout the night. Ms. X and I somehow wound up losing the game just as Ostrowe walked in. He had called me earlier to say that he too would be leaving before midnight because he wanted some sleep.

Once Ostrowe got there, we proceeded to fall into our normal routine, making stupid jokes and quoting obscure things. Ms. X had made her way to the bar soon after the game was over; however, Ms. Y humored us for about 10 or 15 minutes until she had enough of our immature antics. By this point, it was already 11 or so and I was ready to call it a night, a pretty good one at that. Not only did we play darts, but we also talked to a couple of chicks for about an hour. It was at least a step in the right direction. Usually the only chicks you see at Fitzy’s used to be dudes and when there is one that is an actual woman, we never talk to her at all. We just sit back and say how hot she is over and over again (case in point: Frankie’s Italian Bistro). So with midnight quickly approaching Ostrowe and I began to play Trivia with Moro so we could finish the night on a good note.

Then things took an unexpected turn. Ostrowe headed to the bathroom, and Moro went to talk to some other people at the bar, so I decided to kill some time by playing darts against the computer. It was at this point that Ms. X walked by me on her way to the bathroom and kissed me on the cheek saying: “Now that you have my kiss, you’re definitely going to win.” As she walked away I stood there dumbfounded and in a trance until Ostrowe came back from the bathroom at which point we resumed our game of trivia. After a few more wins by Buddy C, it was time to head out.

Just before we were about to leave I told Ostrowe what happened while he was in the bathroom and some how we actually made the same decision that most non-retarded people would have made. We walked over to the girls and made some more conversation. Before I go any further I would like to thank Ostrowe for entering this brave new world with me as my wingman.

I don’t remember everything that we said, and in fact only one snippet stands out, I believe it started when Moro walked over and everyone again pointed out how much he loves Enya:

Ms. X: I love Peter Gabriel, and I love blow jobs
Ms. Y: Oh my god, now all these guys are going to think about are blow jobs
Rick: Hey we’re guys, we think about blow jobs all the time
Ostrowe: Yea, I woke up this morning thinking about blow jobs
Ms. X: I love giving blow jobs
Rick: (In the words of Dick Enberg) Oh My
Ms. Y: I can’t believe you just told these guys that you love giving blow jobs, now they both think they are going to get one
Ms. X: I don’t want to give both of them blow jobs, just him (points to Rick)

Now this is a “Perfect Situation” if I ever saw one. After this exchange I pretty much just started thinking of all the ways I was going to screw this up. While I stood there soaking this in, Ostrowe made a futile attempt to switch wingman duties with Moro, but Moro did a good job of pretending he didn’t know what was going on and stayed away. On second thought maybe he wasn’t pretending. However, when he came to the bar to get another drink he did manage to challenge Ms. Y to a one-on-one game of darts.

We all shifted positions back to the dartboard so we could watch Moro get his butt kicked and talk about how much he loved Enya. After ten minutes the songs I picked on the jukebox two and a half hours earlier started playing beginning with the aforementioned Weezer song. All Ostrowe and I could do was laugh at the IRONY. Ms. X and I spent most of the time in the vertical spooning position and she kept giving my crotch the formal Ric Flair Chop.

About half way through the game, I officially became “That Guy” that I always make fun of when Ms. X turned around and proceeded to make out with me. This is one of those times where I wish I could see my life from the 3rd Person POV for a brief moment, because this must have ranked pretty high on the unintentional comedy scale. First off, it was Fitzy’s. Second, this is me we’re talking about. Last summer I literally had a girl ask me, “So when are we going to have sex?”, but I of course fumbled the snap. In my defense I still blame the fact that she wasn’t attractive, and I would have to be dry for at least 5 years before I considered a girl like her. Third, I don’t know where I was headed with this train of thought. I stopped writing for a bit because that entire night still makes me laugh.

After the first kiss, I had an unfortunate image flash through my head. I remembered that we were at Fitzy’s and that last time I had gone there with Sara we had a close encounter of the transvestite kind. I felt like I should have had check for the absence of the twig and berries, but I am too classy of a guy and that would have been crossing the proverbial line. I was playing a dangerous game of chance.

So anyway after a few minutes we decided to take our show outside and away from the masses. We stayed outside making out as long as the frigid weather would allow us but we were forced back inside 10 minutes later just in time to see Moro lose to Ms. Y.

Ostrowe, Ms. Y, Ms. X, and I spent the rest of the night at the bar. Most of this time was spent not paying attention to Ostrowe and Ms. Y so you will have to check out Ostrowe’s recap of the night to find out what else happened. I’ll just detail the bar scene in the following manner:
A) I was groped, and it was awesome
B) There were a lot of flattering remarks thrown my way, to which I responded with my own flattering remarks being the classy guy that I am
C) She also managed to drop the verb form of the F bomb in the same sentence as the transitive verb meaning to desire
D) Did I mention this chick was 28?

So at 2 in the morning Ms. X and Ms. Y departed thus ending our night…..and only two hours after our scheduled time of departure. At least for once I had a girl’s phone number to show for it. We’ll see what happens when I call her. One can only hope that I don’t pull a Mikey.

Actual conversation from the next day:
Boss: What did you wind up doing last night?
Rick: I went to Fitzy’s for a bit to play some darts and trivia
Boss: Did you see the chick Heim was talking to in the beginning of the night? He said she was pretty hot.
Rick: Her name was Ms. X right?
Boss: Yea
Rick: Yea, I saw her. And I spent the better part of two hours making out with her.
Boss: (Speechless)

Later that night…………………….
Boss: So how about that chick you played darts with at Fitzy’s
Heim: She was pretty hot
Boss: Oh yea, well Rick spent the better part of the night hooking up with her
Heim: WTF that could have been me if I didn’t leave early…………………… and Casey of course

Tuesday night, Rick calls Ms. X.
Call Failed, I leave a message on her voicemail.
SHE CALLS BACK (!) 2 Hours later claiming she was at the gym. We make small talk, and we all know that’s my specialty, and we agree to call each other if we are ever in the same neighborhood.
I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know that I’m 22.