Preakness VII: All Good Things Must Come To An End

Today is the first time since 2002 that I have woke up in NY on the third Saturday in May 😦

Yesterday was a sad day for me. Ever since 2003, the third Saturday has meant only one thing. The Preakness. Over the last six years, I have woke up in a myriad of places on Preakness morning:
2003 – Dmo’s College Park Apartment
2004 – Dmo’s Silver Springs Apartment
2005 – Laurel, Maryland
2006 – Doogie Howser’s House
2007 – Edgewood, MD Best Western
2008 – Jenn’s Apartment in Bethesda
So waking up in NYC this year was different. However, I couldn’t help but keep a running diary

9:00 Wake up. I have the urge to buy sandwich meats and ice from the supermarket. I think I will carry a cooler through Central Park later. Hopefully Virgil will help me get from my apartment to the park.
9:15 Doesn’t get more depressing than doing laundry on Preakness morning
9:18 While my clothes are in the wash, I hit up the supermarket. Side Note: Recently, I visited a Gristedes in the city. It is ten times nicer than the supermarket I go to. I need to reevaluate my supermarket of choice. Side Note 2: The sign out side says “Gristedes,” the plastic bags say “Gristede’s” Which is it?!
9:40 I spent pointless dollars at Amazon recently. My first shipment arrived on Friday: Blazing Saddles, Caddyshack, Rookie of the Year, Mighty Ducks 1 & 2, and Tony Hawk for PS3. I am currently playing the shit out of TH
12:00 Shower time
12:30 Head to a different supermarket, Pioneer, to try to find Acai sorbet. It is also 10x nicer than Associated.
1:00 More Tony Hawk. Solid start to the post-Preakness years of my life…
2:15 Gentleman Joyce and Gentleman Mar arrive with a weeks worth of food courtesy of Mrs. Joyce. Mrs. Joyce is making a strong case for Gentlewoman of the Year 2009. Jenn is going to have to step up her game
2:20 Joyce and Mar were playing “What Asian country is that person from” on the way down here. This led to Joyce proclaiming “North Korea, Best Korea.” He then drew this picture
2:40 Joyce retells a story from his trip to Spain. He went up to a group of hookers and asked them why they do, what they do. Immediately he was surrounded by a shit-ton of them and was groped repeatedly. The next day he got to play the “Where is my camera” Game.
2:45 Meanwhile in Spain, there is a hooker showing off pictures of Joyce saying that it is her daughters new husband. Three months from now she will come to America and declare citizenship
3:15 We start playing Tiger Woods in the new Tiger Lounge
3:34 Bob calls Joyce to figure out what our plan is, Joyce promptly puts a shot in the water
Mar “Bob cost you a shot there”
Joyce “Bob Costas loves Chinese food”
4:20 Finish playing TWoods. We contemplate blowing off Bob to keep playing
4:23 Joyce and Mar heat up Mrs. Joyce’s chicken parm. Mar drops huge glob of sauce on kitchen floor
4:26 Mar’s chicken parm is not warm enough for his liking. He proclaims “Koreans like it really hot”
4:30 Joyce wants to have the Korean Challenge next as a follow up to the Mini-Keg Challenge. It involves drinking Kirin Ichiban and eating Kim Chi all day
4:31 Bob is wealthy, he is waiting for us at the OTB Winners Circle on 38th street. This will be my second trip to OTB ever. My first being Friday afternoon with some people from work. It is grimey.
4:32 Ostrowe loves Rachel Alexandria
4:32 As we are about to get on the subway Bob tells us the OTB is packed. Operation aborted. Bob will text us soon with a new plan. In the meantime we take the 6 down to Murray Hill. As long as we don’t wind up at the Joshua Tree I will be happy
4:45 Get off on 33rd Street. Get a text from Bob saying: “At Mercury Bar. Jumbo screens”
4:50 NKBK is well on its way to becoming a Piccinch meme
4:55 Joyce calls Bob: “Hey Bobby, it’s your boy Joyce you still there.” Earlier in the day, Joyce left me a voicemail: “Hey Nicky, it’s Joycey. I’m picking up Mar at 1:00″
5:00 Joyce points out Bob is still wearing the same shirt he saw the Pacquiao fight in
5:04 I am not used to seeing Preakness fluff pieces. This is a new world for me. (Ed. Note: I watched the fluff pieces Sunday Morning. They were tremendous)
5:07 Poker Face just came on at the bar, gag me. The first time, and all subsequent times I heard it on the radio or TV I hated it. Last weekend I heard at wedding and it was much better. So much so that I downloaded it the following Monday. However, after a week of having it on my iPod, I already hate it again. It was so bad, I was signing it while playing basketball on Tuesday
5:08 Lady Gaga is bluffing with her muffin
5:10 Tom Hammond is not handsome
5:12 Mar says he is going to bet his college tuition on Rachel Alexandria (Ed. Note: He doesn’t. Tough break)
5:13 Dear Sam, Please show us a shot of the infield, I would like to see how many people are not there. Ok Thx Bai
5:14 Rachel Alexander’s owner is being interviewed by Costas. He is wearing an RA hat made at a mall. He is a millionaire, wtf, he can’t afford a well made hat?
5:16 Mine That Bird is 15.1 hands, Rachel Alexandria is 16.2 hands. Mar has 2 hands on Abby
5:20 They showed an aerial shot, infield empty, but knowing how these things it is probably from earlier in the day. For everyone who doesn’t know how it works they will think it is because of the no beer rule. Even if it is from earlier in the day, the crowd is still pathetic. Next year, I bet the booze comes back
5:24 Bob orders a house salad to start. He is wealthy
5:25 While everyone else ordered a round. I am drinking Sprite out of a bottle. The waitress takes an opportunity to mock me.
5:27 I play White Houses on the juke. Based on the songs currently playing, it should go over well. We seem to be in the middle of a 2 hour rap block
5:30 Mar proclaims that Papa Clem will win. (Even though he already said he was going to bet all his money on Rachel Alexandria)
5:35 Arod hits walk off HR, gets facial from teammates, he loves it
5:38 Bob picked a great place with nice views
5:42 I ask the waitress if she can bring me a glass of her finest lemon-lime soda.
5:45 Flying Privates gets some TV time and tons of jokes are thrown out.
5:47 Joyce: I wish Daryl came
Mar: That would have added a stroke to the table
5:49 Mar wants Joyce to get the Asian Peartini
5:52 I need a purple hoodie
6:00 “The Blackberry 134th Running of the Preakness Stakes presented by Canon” Quite the mouthful
6:05 We order wings, sliders, skins, and popcorn shrimp
6:10 Oh Maryland, My Maryland.

Thou wilt not cower in the dust,
Maryland!
Thy beaming sword shall never rust,
Maryland!
Remember Carroll’s sacred trust,
Remember Howard’s warlike thrust,-
And all thy slumberers with the just,
Maryland! My Maryland!

I could make all sorts of comments, but I will let your imagination take over
6:12 And they take the Preakness off the TVs. Outrage ensues.
6:13 Our waitress comes to us with bad news. The Mercury Bar is out of wings. However, they do have boneless wings.
6:14 Bob says our waitress is 19. I say 21. Joyce agrees with Bob
6:15 I am giddy. I think I am rooting for Mine That Bird
6:16 Bob Costas has the same NBC Sports umbrella as me
6:17 Big drama before the Preakness. The #1 horse, Big Drama, started bucking after all the horses were in the gate. He needed to be removed, then set back in. Mine That Bird is in the #2 slot, hopefully he wasn’t too shook up
6:20 And Rachel Alexandria is your winner. The only good thing about today is that this was the first time since 2003 that I saw the end of the Preakness live. (2003 we stood by the finish line for the race). Mine That Bird made his late charge again, but ran out of real estate. An extra 1/8 mile and he would have won. He will settle for second.
6:22 If Calvin Borel wins the Belmont, does he get the Calvin Crown?
6:25 I am turning the charm up to 11. I donated $5 to the brain tumor society in front of purple hoodie
6:28 Now I should tell the waitress I just got Rookie of the Year in the mail, she should come over and watch it with me.
6:30 Showing off once again, we buy 50/50 tickets for charity
6:32 Mar tries to squeeze lemon juice in Joyce’s beer, he drops the whole lemon in. He then puts a lemon in his own beer since he is a gentleman
6:33 To avoid asking a girl how old she is, I ask the waitress how old she was 5 years ago. She says 16. I win the bet. Mar then responds “She wants to bang you in the ass”
6:37 The proverbial Rachel Alexandria just walked into the bar
6:40 The current play list has been hand selected by the Waitress. It includes Faith by George Michael, and Sunday Morning by No Doubt which I give her a high-five for.
6:48 Mar is peppering Joyce’s 50/50 tickets. Literally. They are pouring condiments on each other tickets
6:49 Joyce puts sugar in his beer. And Bob’s beer
6:58 Bob returns from the bathroom “My beer is sweet”
7:06 Scoreboards in super slo month cause epilepsy
7:10 We don’t win the 50/50. Mar and Joyce put their tickets in each other’s beer
7:15 Mar pours more sugar into Joyce’s beer, then rips out a very evil laugh, followed by a evil “How’s Abby”
7:19 White Houses finally plays on the Juke! Almost two hours later
7:30 We make our first bad decision of the night and leave Mercury Bar. Mar claims he has to catch a train, but our goal is to make him pull a Daryl. We hope he misses his train and by proxy his brothers graduation. There is a train at 8:07 and 9:07
7:38 Mar is practicing his Jersey accent
7:40 I’ve noticed a trend of late. We always leave bars when we are having a good time and there are a lot of good looking chicks everywhere. (Ed. Note: Also applies to weddings)
7:42 We arrive at 42nd and 3rd. Grand Central is one block west. Mar tries to leave to catch 8:07 train, but instead we convince him to walk east to McFadden’s
8:09 Mar says the word next to Buddy Word on a bike
8:10 Arrive at McFadden’s
8:11 There is a wall of douche near the door. Bob sets up shop in the middle of this terrible area.
I refuse and move to an open area.
8:12 Comparatively speaking McFadden’s was a bad call
8:13 And the second half of the recent trend rears it’s ugly head. We leave a good scene, for a shitty one
8:15 The bartender tells us for $5 we can have a bracelet that entitles us to half price drinks all night. Everyone is skeptical, but gives her $5 anyway, and tells her that we are on to their ponzi scheme
8:16 You have to drink three beers to save money.
8:19 The bartender gives us the stereotypical good looking girl story of how she pays for her own drinks, never gets asked out. I tell her she is intimidating, she is confused and says I am intimidating
8:28 Out of nowhere, Mar screams “This is a ponzi scheme!”
8:29 Joyce agrees. Bartender tells him to “Shut the fuck up”
8:34 Bartender asks Mar where he is from:
Rick: Brussels
Mar: Brussels
Bartender: You are lying, he is laughing
Mar: Jersey. Get me some shots
Bartender: Seriously. Are you from the tri-state. Show me your license
(Mar pulls out California License. Bartender stunned)
8:40 Biggest. Douche. Ever. No Joke. Sweater wrapped around neck and his friend has a pink sweater vest
8:45 Mar is officially missing his train. His bro said he can’t come up past nine o’clock
8:55 Finally, some girls walk into the bar. Let’s call them shark tooth and Lava Girl. Joyce likes what he sees and with some prodding from yours truly, decides to buy beers for the girls. Hilarious awkwardness ensues. I call over the bartender and tells her Joyce has a question for him. She stands there in anticipation as Joyce says: “If you were a hot dog, in space, what would you do.” I explode in laughter and hit Joyce in the arm forcing him to ask his real question. When the bartender hears the real question, she says “Oh those girls? They are hot! I’m friends with them and they are single.” I am sitting closest to the girls, but two Yankee fans separate the two parties
8:59 Mar asks the bartender to send a text message to the girls. He grabs a napkin and writes “Hi my name is Joyce and I am Korean.” He hands it to the bartender and tells her to ask them to text back
9:00 Side Note: Yahoo Serious just walked into the bar
9:03 The girls write back fake Korean letters as a response. The last “letter” is a smiley face
9:04 We text back again: “Do you think I am cute. Check: Yes No Maybe” Joyce adds a fourth option “This is retarded”
9:05 Tonight Mar will be playing the role of Daryl
9:06 The Yankees fans are amused by our antics and are now talking to the girls to investigate the situation. This backfired.
9:10 Yankee Fan #1 brakes off and starts talking to us. He asks Joyce why he isn’t talking to these girls. Joyce tells him that he doesn’t want to cock block Yankee Fan #2. YF1 informs us that YF2 is married and not a factor here.
9:11 The girls return the napkin: Maybe and This is retarded are checked off
9:12 A gay guy parks himself next to us to order drinks. Within 30 seconds Joyce quite loudly says “This is so gay.”
9:16 And it is official Joyce has lost the battle. A couple of DBs have moved in and started conversation with the chicks. It has even progressed to the point where once guy has put his coat on Sharktooth’s chair He is in for the long haul
9:17 Question: Where the hell is Mar? (Answer: Outside on the phone)
9:24 Mar is back. And giving Joyce advice. Bad advice
9:27 Mar sends another text: “You look electric, I’m serious, I’m over my minutes, pls txt back”
9:30 A friend of Sharktooth and Lava Girl joins them at the bar. They are showing off their napkin. There new friend must be beyond stunned we exist.
9:31 Their friend looks familiar but I can’t see her face
9:32 The bartender says to the new girl, “Hey Dorf, isn’t that wild”
9:33 No. Fucking. Way.
9:34 I get up and walk over the the party. I work with Dorf. I went to see Star Trek with her the night before. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Sharktooth is actually named Lindsay and Lava Girl is named Lydia. The guy with the coat is Pete. He is a friend of theirs from home.
9:35 My mind is blown.
(Ed. Note: It is Sunday night and I still laugh out loud whenever I think about what happened. I was/am beyond stunned. Un.Fucking.Believable.)
9:36 No joke, I almost started drinking at this very moment
9:39 They just put the fans on. The one above us sounds terrible
9:40 A 60 year old just stole Joyce’s seat. Needless to say, Ostrowe banged her
9:45 Back in the New York Groove comes on. Mar replaces NY with Asian as he sings out loud
9:50 Come to McFadden’s: Where you need to be a douchebag to be a bartender
10:00 The A team just took over behind the bar. We are at an extreme disadvantage
10:08 First word of the night (Not counting Mar’s from before)
10:15 One of the fan blades breaks off from the ceiling and hits the jello shots girl in the face
10:20 Leave a good bar once, shame on us. Leave a good bar twice, we are retarded. Once again, as things start to pick up, we decide to leave. It doesn’t help that they told me I had to take off my hat.
10:23 Mar is asking everyone he passes “How’s Abby”
10:25 Drunk Mar gets glo sticks from some random chicks on the street. He will use it to whip Joyce for the rest of the night
10:26 I’ve missed Drunk Mar. It has been a while
10:27 Mar sees a Wachovia and says he needs to get cash. We remind him that he paid by credit card at Mercury Bar and we gave him all the cash
10:29 Mar “Your right I don’t need any money”
10:30 Mar keeps repeating “Hi I’m Abby”
10:32 Joyce goes into a Bodega to get a soda. Mar tells him he is a initial. He is standing next to an initial
10:45 We just went to 5 different bars. All of them sucked. We were in them for a combined minute
10:50 Mar can’t operate the subway turnstyle. He is about to leave when Bob let’s him use $2 off his card
10:54 All Joyce keeps talking about is Fat Sal’s. Mar responds with “you’re an initial” every time
10:56 Mar hugs a subway column and says “Hug a Tree” then says “My name is Daryl” for five minutes in a different cadence every time
11:01 Mar switches it up and throws in an “I had a stroke,” “I like chicken parm,” “I like hugging the pole”
11:05 Rick (to Mar) “You owe Bob $2”
Mar “I do?”
11:10 We pass up Tin Lizzie’s to eat at Fat Sals. Great call
11:11 Storm of the century
11:20 Head to Jack Russells and take up space at the bar
11:25 Everyone is beyond winded
11:27 Good name for a bar: Howe’s Abbey
11:29 Rick falls asleep on the bar
12:00 Finally leave. Mar plans on waking up at 5:00A to catch 5:35 train. Will he make graduation?
12:10 As we get back to the apartment, Mar says he is going to give Joyce a piss puck in the middle of the night. He proclaims that he will add a special ingredient: Shit Sprinkles
6:14 Email from Mar (sic):
youre retarded bah daryl i missed several trains last night and the 535am train i just missed as well im laying on the floor of grand central i shouldnt have a problem getting on the 707 train
hopefully bah there was a gaggle of drunk chicks here we shouldve got here at 4am and cleaned up
6:20 Email from Mar (sic):
bah i just got lectured by cops for laying on the floor now im sitting against the wall im exhausted hows abby?
6:39 Email from Mar (sic):
bah i look like a heroin addict right now im so winded joyce was sleeping with olivia when i left no rumor theres been a chick talking on the phone in the middle of g.c. since my first text shes talking to rick for him to come bang her
7:07 Mar makes his train and his brother’s graduation

It was not the same, but it was an entertaining Preakness Saturday. I’m looking forward to heading to Baltimore next year when they once again allow beer in the infield.
Until then, may the god bless you for ever

Post Script: This was added to Facebook on Monday: (All sic)

Bartender: for your info I was already on the bar….you did not need any sort of pushing….its the loaded coronas….I cant wait to text you later…via napkin
Sharktooth: i ended up on the bar last night. i’ve reached a new level, thanks to you. i’ve also discovered my korean is excellent.

Preakness VI: The Ultimate Challenge

Happy Everyday

May 19, 2007
5:07 PM ET Rick Proclaims he is officially retiring from Preakness

As such, there will be no Preakness Running Diary this year. Sorry to disappoint. The 2007 Preakness was simply epic, and we are getting to old for this.

Oh who am I kidding? Do you think any of us are smart enough to stay away from the epic disaster that is staged on the third Saturday in May, in a humble little area of Greater Baltimore? Well actually, Anfron and Moro were smart enough to stay away, but that didn’t stop the retardation from flowing. Attending this year was Dmo, Ostrowe, Jurgen, Dunn, Rick, Jim$, and Brock (the MVP from 2007).

Friday
2:00 – Ostrowe calls Rick to find out when to expect to be picked up. Rick plans to be there around 5:20 for a 5:25 departure. Together with Melissa the three of them will drive down to Baltimore, where Melissa will be spending the weekend with her college friends, and from there Rick and Ostrowe will go to Bethesda to stay at Jenn’s house. Jim$ and Dmo went down to Bethesda on Thursday night since they only work when they please.
3:30 – Rick leaves work and after a “Who’s on First” phone call with Melissa, they rendezvous on the platform at Grand Central.
5:35 – Rick and Melissa pull into Ostrowe’s driveway, but they both need to pee before hitting the road. While in Ostrowe’s bathroom, Rick notices a book that has both “Cum” and “Niger” written on the cover. His juvenile side takes over and he starts laughing. His pee then clogs the toilet. Ostrowe informs him that his toilet is poorly constructed.
5:45 – Before heading out, Ostrowe shows Melissa pictures of Dmo’s North Carolina apartment that he still has on his camera. Melissa decides she wants to see what else is on the camera, and despite multiple warnings from Ostrowe, she continues to look at all the pictures.
5:46 – Melissa: Whoa! Eww. [Throws camera back to Ostrowe]
5:51 – Officially depart for Maryland, only 26 minutes behind schedule. As we start planning out our stops, we are most looking forward to the Freshens stop at the Chesapeake House:
Rick: They have a new smoothie there, The Acai Energy Booster. It’s fucking Amenergy!
[Fit of laughter ensues]
5:53 – [Fit of laughter ends]
5:55 – Plan hatched to fill up Joyce’s inbox with text messages upon his return from Albania
6:00 – There are two equations that one can use to determine the amount of titties at Preakness:
The Inverse Precipitation: 20% chance of rain = 80% chance of titties
The Direct Temperature: 75 Degree weather = 75% chance of titties
Using both formulas, things are looking good for tomorrow
6:02 – Melissa: Is Preakness really that bad?
Rick & Ostrowe: Yes.
Rick uses this moment to inform Melissa that Dmo is a gentleman, and the only reason that he doesn’t want her to go to Preakness is because “as a large chested woman, she would be constantly heckled and bothered by the drunk guys in the infield.” She agrees that she would not like that.
6:11 – First hint of traffic is encountered in Bergan County. Over/Under on arrival time set at 11:00
6:13 – Melissa has indigestion
Rick: It’s probably from that picture you saw
6:15 – Over/Under on Melissa passing out set at 7:30
6:16 – Melissa calls the Picciniches “text flirts”
6:20 – Melissa curls up into the fetal position
6:24 – Melissa is out. The under wins. Pays -145
6:30 – Did you know Rutgers is the birthplace of College Football??
6:51 – Ostrowe’s ring tone, Welcome to Jamrock, prompts a WTF is that from Rick
6:54 – Rick stops to get gas. Melissa stops to get food. Ostrowe stops to pretend the urinal is Yvonne.
6:59 – Ostrowe returns to the car holding a slice of Boston Pizza. He explains that it is Melissa’s and that she should be ashamed of being from NY and getting Boston Pizza
7:01 – Ostrowe debates whether or not he should take a bite of Melissa’s pizza.
Rick: At least she wouldn’t be more upset then when she saw that picture
7:05 – Rick explains that he can’t eat anything unless he likes the way it looks. (ed. note: Feel free to completely twist this statement out of proportion)
7:07 – Since Ostrowe brings Vodka Cranberry every year on this trip, Rick has re-dubbed it Preakness Juice. When discussing the potency and recipe:
Melissa – The vodka sinks to the bottom, it’s denser
Rick -You’re denser
7:08 – Melissa’s Boston Pizza Analysis: “The crust is good. The pizza was OK”
7:10 – (ed. note: There is no easy way to make this funny for everyone, but at the time I could not stop laughing) Ostrowe tells a story of when he ordered a HOBO Sandwich, but instead was given a BOBO Sandwich. This leads to the inevitable Moro-esque (Think BWW Opening Day):
BOBO?!?!?! I ORDERED A HOBO!!!!
7:13 – Melissa produces a cookie from the back seat. Ostrowe proceeds to share it with Rick and a litany of No Homo jokes are made.
7:52 – It stands to be noted, that the notebook being used for the Running Diary was a gift to Rick from Mrs. Mohr. The Mother of Gentlemen
7:57 – Melissa enjoys dining at the Cheesecake Factory. She eats Evelyn’s Favorite Pasta and drinks everything out of the abbacoozie
8:07 – Rick and Ostrowe disagree over which pen to use for the running diary. Melissa declares that Ostrowe is a gentleman. She forgets to point out that Rick was voted the #1 Gentleman
8:11 – Melissa falls asleep again. Then claims: “I’m not sleeping, I’m just resting”
8:16 – A debate over the pronunciation of guacamole prompts Melissa to kick Ostrowe.
8:17 – Rick: I had a Grilled Chicken BLT Wrap the other day, hold the T
Ostrowe: I’d like to hold some Ts right now
8:25 – A morbid conversation leads to Rick creating Melissa’s tombstone:
Melissa S 1984-20??
She often wore pants under her pants
8:29 – Ostrowe had another Eddie Carpezzi sighting at the Liquor Store. Eddie Carpezzi is 10x wealthier than we think Jim$ is
8:51 – The traveling party makes their second stop of the trip at the infamous Dick Stockton Service Area. Home to the Blimpe and Oven Roasted Chicken on Chedder Bread Incidents. Rick and Ostrowe get Pizza Hut and as they are walking out they notice that Jim McGreevy is still listed as the Govenor on the wall. He is a gentleman.
9:15 – Melissa is on the phone with Doug and Ostrowe is trying to have a conversation with Faux Spice, meanwhile, Rick feels out of the loop and picks up his phone and pretends to be talking to someone. After that gets boring, he proceeds to distract Ostrowe as much as possible. He succeeds.
9:22 – Rick: I had Stride Gum the other day. I was very impressed by the package
Ostrowe: I hear you’re often impressed with packages
(Ed. Note: I walked right into that one, but in all honesty I like packages…I mean)
9:28 – Right now Jim$ is eating slices of turkey off of Jenn’s ass and afterwards he will fuck Jenn through a hole in the turkey
9:30 – Melissa questions our gentlemanliness
Rick: Would it be more gentlemanly if I said they had sex through a hole in the turkey?
Melissa: NO
Rick: How about if they made love through a hole in the turkey?
Melissa: Jenn is a real person!
Rick: And Evelyn and Abby aren’t?
Melissa: I forgot…Now I’m thinking about Evelyn’s Nipple Rings
Ostrowe: WTF Melissa, we just ate!
9:35 – Rick: Would you actually bang someone in the ass?
Ostrowe: You mean again?
9:55 – Melissa is “resting” as Rick attempts to call Tara. He gets his come uppance when Ostrowe starts “singing” Stay by Lisa Loeb to him.
10:04 – Ostrowe claims Radios in Heaven is the gayest song he has ever heard. Even gayer than Christmas Shoes. Both of which are on Rick’s iPod.
10:10 – Finally arrive in Delaware, the worst state on the trip. As is the case everytime we go to Delaware, someone has to not finish a thought. This year it is Rick’s turn:
Rick: If we are not out of Delaware by 10:25….
Ostrowe: You can think about how you want to finish that one for the next four years
10:15 – Not to long ago, Rick and Ostrowe vowed never to stop in Delaware ever again. Worst. Rest. Stop. Ever. However, this year we were in need of a nice pick me up and the Delaware rest stop does have a Freshens. As such, they made an unadvised stop and ran inside only to find that Freshens was the only autonimous unit for mid highway snacking that was closed.
10:16 – “Fuck Delaware” – Dan Ostrowe
10:29 – Out of Delaware. Thank Tom Cruise
10:42 – Rick, still disapointed over the Delaware debacle, decides to stop at the Chesapeake House. This Freshens is closed as well further sending Rick into a downward spiral.
11:19 – Melissa wakes up from her “rest” and Rick and Ostrowe still find it hilarious to speak the lyrics to Stay by Lisa Loab. When they proceed to only speak in the lyrics, Melissa gets angry
Melissa: What the fuck are you guys saying. I haven’t said fuck the entire trip, and now you guys are just trying to make me angry.
(Ed. Note: Ostrowe is a gentleman)
11:30 – Drop off Melissa in Baltimore, and if you haven’t noticed, the over is winning handily. Pays -160
11:34 – Drive through bad part of Baltimore….wait…there is no good part of Baltimore
11:36 – We are going to come in contact with two chicks Poppers hooked up with this weekend
11:42 – And you say, I only hear what I want to
11:56 – Jim$ calls and expresses shock that we are not there yet.
12:06 – Drive by a castle near the highway, later Jim$ notifies us that it is a temple to his very existence that he funded with the money he found between his couch cushions
12:20 – Rick drops off Ostrowe at the bar, but doesn’t stay because he is winded
12:25 – Rick goes to sleep in his car outside of Jenn’s house.
12:34 – And I thought what I thought was simple, and I thought that I don’t belong
1:04 – Ostrowe gets text from friend saying “have a blast at Preakness”, Jenn sees this and asks “Is that Baby Mama?”
1:30 – Ostrowe and Jim$ wake up Rick and everyone heads inside. Jim$ smells like turkey…
1:31 – Rick passes out on the couch. Ostrowe tells some chick he will play board games with her, but he passes out. Dmo is a gentleman, but doesn’t like sleeping on the Transformer Sea World Couch

Saturday
6:30 – Dmo wakes up and makes his specialty. A toasted bagel with nothing on it. He makes one for Rick, but then eats half of it when Rick is too slow.
6:50 – Rick gets out of the shower and is informed that Jim$ is not going to Preakness. He walks into the bedroom to find out if this is really true. He sees Jim$ sleeping on a mattress made of $100 bills and asks if he can get a direct quote from Jim$ for the running diary. Jim$ casually moves two slimmies away from his face and says: “Bah I’m Winded”
6:55 – Dmo gets Jenn’s car keys so he can get the beer out of her car and put it into Rick’s car, he comes back a few seconds later saying that Jenn’s car, but more importantly, the beer is not here. Jenn left her car downtown last night since she was a little hammered.
7:15 – Rick and Jenn return from their excursion downtown to get the beer. There is some random guy now sleeping where Ostrowe was sleeping and using Ostrowe’s WWF pillow.
7:20 – Jim$ walks out of his room wearing a shirt that says “I’m a gentleman” and he proclaims that he is coming to Preakness
7:25 – Jim$ says that he is going to drive himself to Preakness since he won’t have a ride back to Bethesda. Dmo assures him that Mr. Poppers is giving Jurgen a ride home and Jim$ can hitch a ride as well. After much debate, Jim$ reluctantly gets into the car.
7:26 – Jim$ would like the record to show that this has disaster written all over it.
7:27 – Jim$ would also like the record to show that his ticket cost less than everyone else’s. But that is because he bought it at one of the gas stations he owns
7:29 – Dmo’s computer is in the trunk of Rick’s car. He is worried it will not be there at the end of the day
7:31 – Jim$ can turn on the charm at anytime. No Homo
7:37 – Ostrowe asks the guy at the deli to make a sandwich for him. Jim$ is rubbing off on him
7:43 – And now that I am leaving, now I know that I did something wrong ’cause I missed you. 7:57 – Ostrowe and Dmo enjoy free donuts from Giant (by eating them before they got to the cash register) and now we are officially on our way to Pimlico
8:15 – Dmo claims that Jim$ is sleeping, Jim$ gives him a death stare
8:18 – The Piccinich Specialty. Grilled Flatulence. No doubt courtesy of Dmo
8:24 – Dmo calls Brock to tell him that we are running late because the guy who made our sandwiches was dark and retarded
8:50 – New York > Every Other City
8:55
– In looking for the Hundred $ Kid’s house, Rick drives right by it. When he goes to make a U-Turn on a side street, we notice No Parking signs with a caveat that reads: “Except on Preakness day.” Wait what?? We have been coming here for six years and now we find free street parking?! Wow.
8:59
– We politely decline help carrying our stuff. This could potentially hurt us in the long run.
9:10
– We make it to our usual spot even though this year there is a ton of caution tape blocking areas off. We totally disregard the boundaries, but a small group of guys and girls tell us they don’t mind if we share their space.
9:12
– Yeah, Yeah I missed you
9:15 – Brock Singleton has returned to Preakness. Everyone cracks the ceremonial first beer. Rick cracks the ceremonial first sip of water.
9:30 – 2 Girls 1 Cup Reaction video featuring Brock and the infamous pictures on Ostrowe’s camera


9:32 – The pee fence is lined with pee boxes this morning. Brock wants to take them and make a clubhouse…of peeboxes
9:49
– Ostrowe farts on Brock
9:51
– If you have gray hair, you should not be in the Preakness infield. Yea we are talking to you Dumbledore
9:53 – Poppers and Jurgen have the pleasure of seeing the pictures on Ostrowe’s camera

9:55 – Brock four goals for the 2008 Preakness:
1) Do not get ejected
2) Bring his cooler home
3) Do not physically abuse his friends
4) Drink heavily
5) See titties
10:04 – Ostrowe and Jim$ venture out to get a Black Eyed Schwoogie
10:07 – We are introduced to a new drinking game: Ass Slap. Later Dmo explains it to Poppers

10:10 – Dmo calls his company to let them know his computer has most assuredly been stolen. he tells Rick he should plan on not having a car when the race is over. You get what you paid for.
10:11 – We have our first creepy bead guy of the day
10:09
– Not us falls through a styrofoam cooler
10:17
– Shamu came to Preakness this year
10:25 – I don’t listen hard, don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running to anyone, anywhere
10:37
– The Happy Everyday epidemic breaks out. Any Asian who comes within 200 feet of us gets regaled with “Happy Everyday” and “May the god bless you for ever”
10:39 – Brock beers a 21 year old kid. Always looking out for the future.
10:42 – Ostrowe breaks out the Preakness Juice for the first time. Brock has not seen any titties break out yet and he is getting angry

10:53 – Brock gracefully steals ice from someone else’s cooler

11:20 – By this point J the librarian has become a buddy of ours. As odd as it is to see a Librarian boozing in the infield, she is actually a librarian at some Law Firm in NYC, she is probably way to smart to be talking to us.
11:22 – After Ostrowe pesters J for a while about her profession, she finally breaks down: “God, Librarians are people too!!”
11:25 – J: What are you drinking
Ostrowe: Vodka Cranberry
J: Why?
Ostrowe: Because It’ll get you drunk!
J: No, I think it is because you have a vagina.
[Turns to Rick]
J: Hey you, why are you taking notes
Rick: Because I have a vagina?
11:38 – Ahhhhh Preakness never changes. The army guys and gals show up and the USA chant starts
12:30 – Brock stands on the coolers and rubs people on the head as they pass by. Though he looks like a rapist people look up at him afterwards and laugh. Afterwards Rick tries to do the same thing and people walk away saying that he is a dirty creep.

12:40 – J randomly kicks Brock in the balls. He sells it like a KCW Champion
1:00 – Ostrowe: Want a piece of chicken
Brock: She is a vegan
J: What??
Brock: (To J) Just go with it
Ostrowe: So you don’t eat meat?
Brock: No, but she loves the bone
12:45 – Another Preakness tradition, Ric Flair chops.

12:51 – I don’t understand if you really care,
1:00 – Some random girl named Tess shows up at our camp and just sits down. She tells us that we are much cooler than the people she came with. (Ed. Note: I don’t know how that is possible) Ostrowe tries to teach her how to give a proper Flair chop:
Ostrowe: You have to get angry
Tess: How?
Ostrowe: Your brother just called you a slut and he said you sleep with Jim$ every night.
Tess: Who is Jim$ ?
Ostrowe: [Points]
Tess: But he is a gentleman!
1:20 – Guest appearance by Brock Singleton, courtesy of his MySpace page. This story happened sometime around here:
“I nearly forgot to mention this. When I posted earlier that I broke Ostrowe’s watch at Preakness 2007, it turns out I was mistaken. Ostrowe broke his own watch while give me Ric Flair chops. So, 365 days of regret and misery should be flushed away. I was not the destroyer I thought I was. Ostrowe is. And, after this year’s Preakness, his mean and hurtful ways became evident. So now it will be time to repay him. Oh yes. Vengeance shall be mine.”
1:31 – Brock is drunk off his ass, but he decides to try to show off his signature card trick. Surprisingly he does a pretty good job.
1:40 – Tess leaves, but not before she gives Ostrowe her phone number
1:42 – Ostrowe slaps J’s ass with the program
1:50 – Rick squirts sunscreen on Brock’s back. Brock then goes to take a piss. Five minutes later Brock is talking to a chick who asks:
Chick: What is on your back?
Brock: Ostrowe gave me a chop and it left a big red mark
Chick: No you have some goop on you
Brock: Goop? Get if off!
[Walks back to our group]
Brock: I got goop all over me!
2:00 – All hell breaks loose three hours earlier than normal. Rick watches as a can flies across the infield and strikes some kid right in the head. He drops like a ton of brick and is out cold for five minutes.

2:06 – J tells us that as soon as she goes on someone’s shoulders her top is coming off. We tell Brock to get on that, but he refuses since he won’t be able to see the titties
2:15 – Rick goes for another goop trick, but it fails
2:20 – After another round of hell, Ostrowe and Jurgen proclaim it to be their last Preakness. Where have we heard this before?
2:30 – Brock: I will never vote for Obama because he is a black guy asking for change. McCain should change his slogan to: “What? Are you going to vote for a word?”
2:35 – J washes her dirty leg with beer
2:41 – I’m only hearing negative, no no no no
2:49 – The Piccinich Effect predicts that J will hook up with Ostrowe
2:53 – Brock: Hey I know you!
Random Guy: Oh yea?
Brock: Yea, you are that douche bag with the Dave Mathews Band T-Shirt!
RG: Fuck You
3:03 – Ostrowe, ever the gentleman, starts putting ice down J’s crack. It also stands to be noted that he would like to kick J’s F in the V. (Ed. Note: I just write it as I hear it)
3:15 – Chick in the pink wins the contest for the drunkest chick at Preakness
3:30 – J starts throwing beers into crowds of people herself, guess who is encouraging her. Jim$. Shocker
3:32 – Every Man has a ____: (to Jim$) You are not a gentleman, you are a liar
J: I am a lady
3:38 – Rick lets some random people sit on Ostrowe’s cooler for a bit
3:48 – Rick starts making up stories about how he got the cut on his leg
Dude: Yo man what happened to your leg
Rick: I was going to the bathroom and a shredded beer can came out of the sky and cut me good
or
Rick: I was walking in the infield and got trampled in a rush
or
Rick: Your mom
Dude: Man that is going to hurt in the morning
3:50 – Ostrowe takes exception to the people sitting on his cooler
4:00 – Some random chick is talking about how she has two kids at home. She looks like she is 24. Her kids are 2 months and 15 months old. If you do the math, she got pregnant four months after giving birth. That can’t be healthy
4:05 – Brock offers a $20 bounty to kick J’s F in the V
4:09 – Someone throws a megaphone and hits a kid in the head
4:12 – Ahhh as per tradition, Ostrowe’s sunglasses break
4:17 – Ostrowe sees yet another Asian and runs up to her:
Ostrowe: Happy Everyday
Asian: You said that to me already
4:25 – So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up, and this woman was singing my song
4:35 – Lover’s in love, and the other’s run away, lover is crying ’cause the other won’t stay.
4:45 – And I thought I’d live forever, but now I’m not so sure. You try to tell me that I’m clever, but that won’t take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
4:55 – You said that I was naive, and I thought that I was strong
5:00 – Beer can stomping escalates into general douchebaggery

5:02 – J & Co. Leave. Ostrowe tries to lean in for the kiss, but fails
5:03 – Brock asks Rick to borrow the diary. Rick doesn’t trust him and Brock gets defensive. Rick gives him a piece of paper and a pen, but nothing more
5:30 – Brock wrestles some college punk in a best of seven match.

5:35 – Is is official, Brock was that guy in the middle of the circle two years in a row. Last year he had wimpy emo kids fawning over him, this year it is the college douchebags
5:42 – A dejected Brock mopes about being 15 years too old
5:50 – Ostrowe begins texting Tess: “Come back Tess!”

Tess: “Whooo is this”
Ostrowe: “Marty. Come back! May the god bless you forever”
Tess: “May you be blessed as well…I love you”
Ostrowe: “And I love you. But I feel the need to see other people”
Tess: “Good for you”
6:07 – Brock starts talking with the young college punks. Odds comments start coming out in mass:
“I love your heavy hands”
“When I am 35 I hope I can wrestle half as good as you”
6:10 – Dmo: You gotta meet this guy, he knows Jim Nantz!
Ostrowe: OMG Really!?
Kid: [Puzzled] No.
6:15 -Big Brown takes the Big Title. Jim$ takes the Big Titties
6:25 – While walking back to the car, Ostrowe tries to breaking into other cars using the “Well Rick’s car is not here, so I might as well try to find a new car” defense.
6:30 – Rick’s Car (and Dmo’s laptop) are both still here in one piece!
6:43 – Dmo while talking to Melissa on the phone: “Wazzup?!” Will this replace “bah bah bah bah bah bah bah, how was your day?” Time will tell.
6:50 – Ostrowe double phones with Brock and Mar. No Homo
7:03 – Tara is wealthy
7:10 – Rick proclaims that he has gone three years without peeing at Pimlico
7:14 – Arrive at Waffle House
(Ed. Note: The next few entries were made by a disillusioned Ostrowe. Him and Dmo were drunk enough to completely blow the Waffle House situation out of proportion)
7:17 – We still have not been served. Fuck Waffle House
7:20 – Leave Waffle House. Rick flips out
(Ed. Note: Ostrowe and Dmo were besides themselves to the point they no longer were craving Waffle House.)
7:21 – For the record Dmo is currently on the clock. This is the stuff he gets paid to do
7:24 – Rick is glad this is our last Preakness
7:28 – You try to give away a keeper, or keep me ’cause you know you’re just scared to lose.
7:33 – (Ed. Note: Exact quote) Exit 89 lied to us. Donde Waffle House
7:35 – Make it to the other waffle house. Eat a wonderful redneck meal
7:42 – Dmo has already forgotten what he ordered, and he can’t put the menu back. He decides to just throw it on the floor
7:48 – Brock Calls:
Dmo: Ask him if his losing streak is over
Brock: Next time I see you I am going to shoot you in the face with a Syphilis gun
8:07 – Dmo calls his parents and declares that Big Brown is a gentlehorse
8:10 – Ostrowe: There is an OshKosh at the Perryville Outlets
Dmo: OshKosh I’m fucking winded
8:20 – Stop off at the Chesapeake house in hopes that we can finally get our smoothie. We run inside and Rick cuts the entire line (of two people). He orders the amenergy smoothie, but of course they are out of it. How expected.
8:30 – And you say. Stay.

That is the last entry in the diary. The rest of the ride is a blur as Ostrowe and Dmo took extended rests and somehow Rick managed to stay awake. Even though we were missing a few members of the cast, there is no single event like the Preakness. I’d be shocked if we managed to stay away next year. Next for Big Brown is the Belmont and a chance at history. The Triple Crown is ever elusive, but since I won’t be there, he will probably win it. May the God bless you for ever.

http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf

Preakend 2007

Come listen to a story all about how our life got flipped, turned upside down. We’d like to take a minute, just sit right there and we’ll tell you all about this season’s Baltimore affair.

This year, like most, with less than a week till post time, we still had no plans for the weekend set. Dmo was in North Carolina, Mar & Jim$ in Hoboken, and Ostrowe & I in Rockland. All we knew was that Ostrowe would be driving down by himself because he would be going to North Carolina after the race. Originally we thought we would stay with Poppers. Nope. His dad was spending the night. Then we thought we could stay with Melissa and her friends. Nope. Not enough room. Then we thought we could stay with Jim$ lady friend. Nope. “Not enough room there either.” Then we thought we could stay with Mar’s friend from school. Nope. She doesn’t like Ostrowe. Then we tried to stay with Chubbs. Nope. $6.99/lb joke. At this point we were ready to sleep in the car. It had been done before, so I wasn’t really worried.

With no place to stay we decided it was time to try to add more people to our party. We set out trying to convince Moro and Anfron to join our merry caravan. After a few mail chain sessions, Moro and Anfron were in. Add them to Brock Singleton and two of Dmo’s friends from work and we had quite the bunch. Now we just needed a place to stay. On Thursday I finally suggested we get a hotel room for three nights. We surfed the web and found a Best Western 25 minutes from Pimlico costing $150 for two nights for one person. Ostrowe booked the room online since he was going down first and since there was five of us the room was costing us $30 each. Quite the find if I must say so myself. Of course after Ostrowe booked the room we found out that in fact, we could have stayed with Melissa’s friend.

The day before the Preakness, the mail chain kept chugging along. Moro and Anfron wanted to know more about what to expect. Moro also wanted to know what bar we were going to afterwards. Rookie mistake. We tried to tell him he was completely underestimating the Preakness, but he didn’t believe us. One by one we started leaving work and this is where we lay our scene.

Act I, Scene I (A.K.A. Friday)
12:07 PM Ostrowe arrive at Melissa’s house to pick her up. Sadly she is not wearing pants under her pants.
12:09 Ostrowe shows off his gentlemanly traits by carrying Melissa’s bags and holding the door for her. Melissa is put in charge of the running diary as car number one begins it’s journey to Preakness
2:07 Melissa disrespects the running diary by placing it on the floor of the car, receives scolding. 2:10 Ostrowe asks Melissa if she wants to stop for a food/pee break. Melissa responds: ” I can always pee.”
2:28 The first cheesy moustache sighting of the weekend.
2:39 Disaster befalls the humble party as they attempt to fill up the car with gasoline. As soon as the gas station employee walks away, the pump shuts off. Try as he may Ostrowe can’t get the pump to restart. Finally he has to move his car closer to the pump.
4:27 Flatulence. Since no name has been attached to it, I can only assume that Melissa is the source.
4:30 The humble party drives by a random guy in a wheelchair rolling down Baltimore side streets
4:33 Ostrowe drops off Melissa and admonishes her for awful running diary techniques such as unnecessarily writing on the backs of pages, leaving the running diary on the floor and entries placed in non-chronological order. All rookie mistakes, hopefully she learns for next time.
5:27 After a relaxing train ride from Grand Central to Tarrytown, Rick boards the bus to the mall. The phone rings and Mar is on the other end saying that he is at BJ’s. Mar is going to buy some chips and other assorted snacks for the ride down to Maryland. Rick tells him that anything is OK by him. Rick asks Mar if he has bought his ticket yet. Mar confirms that he has.
5:29 Ostrowe arrives at hotel in Edgewood MD, which is nowhere near Edgemont.
5:30 Rick calls Moro and Ostrowe to find out if they have bought their tickets yet. They have. All week, Rick was the one campaigning that everyone should buy there ticket online, yet he it is, Friday afternoon and Rick is still ticket-less. As a last ditch effort he calls his brother and walks him through the ticket purchasing process. Once that is complete he also has his brother print out directions from the hotel to Pimlico for him. Apparently, even though he sits next to a printer all day, Rick did not have anytime to do any of this during his busy day of surfing the Internet.
5:35 Ostrowe is checked into the hotel by Jeb; he has scraggly blond hair balding at the top and a goatee without any other facial hair. he kinda resembles Shaggy from Scooby Doo only if you were afraid he was going to sneak into your room at night and chop you up in the bathtub.
5:43 Rick’s bus driver for the evening is a little Buddy C-ish and takes the long, roundabout way to get to the mall. It got to the point that everyone on the bus was questioning the drivers competency loud enough for him to hear. Rick just sat there laughing. That kind of stuff just doesn’t bother him to much, everyone has a bad day once in a while. There are plenty of other things to get riled up about. Like being robbed.
5:50 The alarm clock in the next room over from Ostrowe starts going off; it will continue going off for the next 20 minutes before the front desk calls Ostrowe and asks if there is anything they can do to improve his stay.
6:15 After a quick pit stop at home, Rick picks up Mar. As he enters the car, Mar informs Rick that he did not buy any chips or snacks. He instead opted for 24 packs of Trident White gum. He hopes that he can whiten his teeth over the course of the weekend.
6:20 The caravan arrives a la casa del Moro. He walks out with his bag, a cooler, and a faux-hawk:
Rick: Bahahaha, you’re cooler looks like an Oma…..It is an Omaha Steaks cooler
Moro: And I brought a GameBoy for the ride. I borrowed it from my co-workers seven-year old son.
Chris Hanson: In these messages sent back and forth Dgenerate316 says: “Can I borrow you’re GameBoy for the weekend?” Our Decoy, I’mNotWorkingForDateline says: “Sure, you can play with my GameBoy whenever you want.” Dgenerate316 responds: “Ok, great I’ll be over in a little bit.”
Moro: Mar, I brought a GameBoy, what did you bring?
Mar: Gum.
6:30 While on the road Mar and Rick try to explaining more of the Preakness to Moro. Just then a running theme of the weekend is born:
Rick: When you look up Preakness in the dictionary, you see the word “shit-show”
Moro: No, you see Terry Galigan.
6:32 As the caravan, now three men strong pull into Anfron’s driveway Mar hopes out loud that Anfron doesn’t not get arrested this weekend.
6:36 Moro announces that his only goal for the weekend is to provide nineteen-year-old girls with alcohol.
6:43
The caravan is well on their way and as is the case with any long trip which features a Piccinich or two, blank paper and sharpies are a must. Mar and Rick explain the joy of making signs for other motorist on the road to Moro and Anfron. Moro comes up with the early favorite: “Hey Honeybuns.”
6:49
Moro: I know how we can pass time. Let’s just start saying ______ ________!
7:01 Upon entering the loathsome state of New Jersey, we stop to take advantage of their lower gas prices. At the pump next to us is a little wiener car reminiscent of the Really Tall Guy’s car in the Simpsons. Moro starts to write his Honeybuns sign, but completely over thinks it. He decides to wait to see how Mar does it.
7:13 The initial excitement that comes from the drive down to Preakness is waning. The mood in the car is a shell of its previous state.
7:21 Things pick up as we get our first client. Two sorority girls laugh at a series of signs that Mar and Anfron show them. As a note, these are not the stereotypical sorority girls that you are picturing. They are dumping looking girls who happen to have Greek letters on the back windshield.
7:32 Moro channels his inner Vince Vaughn as he chants his mantra in the back seat, almost in a trance: “Preakness Baby, Preakness.”
7:36
Moro officially is becoming the MVP of the first half of the trip. He is throwing out one-liners left and right. They may not always be the most politically correct things, but he is making us laugh. This time he has an idea for a new sign: “I’m just gonna write that I’m Jewish. This way they know I make a lot of money, I’m circumcised, and I’ll have tinted windows so they can’t see my big nose.” Come to think of it, what the hell is he talking about.
7:51 We pass a brunette on the left who is on the cell phone while driving a BMW. She refuses to acknowledge the hilarity of our signs.
Anfron: Typical Jersey Bitch.
7:59 Ostrowe spill water all over himself as he gets into his car to go run some errands
8:45 Rick hasn’t eaten in five or six hours, he is practically withering away. Luckily the next rest stop has a Pizza Hut. Rick’s eyes brighten as they pull into the parking lot. The caravan rushes inside and gets on the Blimpie/Pizza Hut/TCBY line. The line is long and is clearly not going anywhere fast. New Pizza Hut Pizzas come out of the oven, and nobody makes a move for them. Rick so badly wants the fresh pies so he tries to find out what everyone is waiting for:
Rick: Hey are you guys online for Blimpie?
Fake Avril and her Dopey Boyfriend: [No Response]
Rick: Are you guys getting Blimpie?
FA & DB: [No Response]
Rick: Blimpie? Blimpie? Are you guys online? Blimpie? Are you getting Blimpie? Ok then.
FA & DB: [No Response]
Mar: [A mental F*** This, and he walks around everyone and makes a b-line to the pizza]
We all got fresh pizza, except for Moro, and everyone that was in front of us on line. Turns out they were on line for Pizza Hut. Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey we don’t like you or your boyfriend. Deal with it. While waiting for the cashier to help everyone, Rick eats 3/4 of his pizza, but he is unable to convince the cashier to give him a discount.
8:55 The caravan piles back into the car and Ostrowe calls us to find out what we want from Subway. For being retarded, we are actually pretty heady and buy sandwiches the night before and bring them into Pimlico. Moro orders an oven roasted chicken sandwich on cheddar bread, and Ostrowe is forced to point out that the sandwich will probably be cold by the time he eats it tomorrow at noon.
9:20 Excitement is at an all-time low as the caravan is engulfed in windedness. After ten minutes of being in Delaware, we finally make it into Maryland.
10:00 The Caravan arrives at it’s destination: Edgewood, Maryland. 20 minutes North of Baltimore. There is a Waffle House across the street!!
10:20 A scholarly debate takes place on the subject of comfort/gayness levels associated with the sleeping arrangements. Mar just wants to sleep on a mattress, he doesn’t care is he has to share one. The rest of the gang, however, is a little reticent. It is decided we will be tearing apart the room.
10:30 After Ostrowe is on the phone with the Waffle House Customer Service Representative, he regrets to inform us that the Waffle House across the street still is under construction and won’t be open for a month or so.
10:40 While deciding when to wake up, Ostrowe announces that he needs at least 15 minutes to do his hair. He is going to wake up at 6:15 and the rest of us are getting up at 6:30.
Mar: Did you remember to pack you’re vagisil?
Ostrowe: How many chicks have you had sex with recently?
Mar: Well, I didn’t have sex with a beanbag.
10:43 It’s hard to describe how we rearranged the room so I call you’re attention to Figure 1.1:

Act II, Scene I (A.K.A Saturday)
2:00 AM Rick is awoken by the sound of Police Cars flying by outside. He can only assume the worse based on their geographic location. He shrugs it off and goes back to sleep.
4:50 Rick wakes up and does a 180 in bed, so that the blood stops rushing to his head. It turns out everyone is awake. And if they are not, Rick kicks the light to make sure everyone is up. Moro asks what time is it and when Ostrowe replies “4:50” everyone lets out a “wow” followed by a sigh of relief and we all go back to bed.
6:15 Everyone is awake, but only Ostrowe gets up since he has to do his hair. Moro informs everyone that his eyes met with Mar’s on several occasions during the night, Mar vehemently denies the accusations. Rick starts to regal the gang with stories from his dreams in which he was Spider-Man and at the Preakness. Everyone feels refreshed after an good night of sleep, except for Mar who got eight hours of laying down.
6:23 After 8 minutes of pre-shower preparation, Ostrowe turns the shower on. Anfron tells us about his dream in which he almost achieved his life-long dream of banging an Asian, however, she turned out to be a lesbian.
6:30 Ostrowe finishes his shower as Mar finds his phone filled with condensation since he left it on the air conditioner all night.
Anfron: [Upon finding an unused blanket at Moro’s feet] Moro you didn’t even use this blanket last night? I had to use jizz blanket
6:36 Ostrowe out of shower. 23 minutes.
6:40 Rick is playing GameBoy Color and narrating everything he is doing a la Carter Pewterschmidt watching an episode of Medium. Examples: “ooh Spider-Man . . . Hey look at me, I’m Spidey . . . Go Spidey go . . . ooh Wrestlemania 18 . . . Wow these guys are old . . . I’m gonna be Chris Jericho . . . I’m gonna fight Bubba Ray . . . My ring entrance is so cool.” (repeat ad nausea)
7:17 First ceremonial beer cracked by Ostrowe.
7:30 The rest of the crew is done with their showers. An average of 13.5 minutes per person. During this time, Ostrowe went down to the lobby and raided the continental breakfast. Since the room only has four full sized towels, Rick was forced to dry himself with two hand towels.
8:00 This is shocking. The car is all packed, we are ready to go (exactly when we wanted to be). This is too good to be true. Things are going smoothly…a little too smoothly
8:01 Hey look it’s Raph…..a little too Raph
8:20 We make it to Pimlino in record time. Each of the previous four-years we have parked in the same yard each year. Granted this yard is a good 30 minutes away from the entrance, it has become a Preakness home base. This year, for whatever reason, Rick decides to go against tradition. He pulls over at the first house that is offering parking. They can see the infield entrance from where they sit and immediately five fine entrepreneurial young men surround the car beckoning us to park on their lawn:
Rick: How Much??
EYM: $20
Rick: Do you guys have change of $100
EYM: Yea
Rick: [Slowly hands $100 out the passenger-side window]
EYM: [Grabs the bill and runs away screaming] I got $100, I got $100
8:21 [Mouths Agape]
8:22 [Mouths Agape]
8:23 [Mouths Agape]
(NC: OK, yes I know this was incredibly stupid on my part, I realize that. I really don’t have anyone to blame but myself. But to be honest I didn’t even think anything of it as I was doing it. Maybe I’m a little too trusting of people. Oh well, no use fretting over it anymore. It happens. Later in the day Ostrowe would dramatilize the events, and you know what, it was funny.)

8:30 The gang is still shell shocked walking to the infield. Not a word is spoken. Ostrowe breaks the silence by putting everything into perspective: “Everything was going perfectly, either that was going to happen or someone was going to die.” (R: When you put it that way I would gladly pay $100 to guarentee that we all survive the weekend.)
8:35 The gang arrives in the infield. Ostrowe forgot suntan lotion, Rick forgot the deck of cards. Dmo retains his championship belt.
8:45 Dmo, Brock, Sven, and Matt are dropped off at Preakness by Brock’s mother-in-law. Moro actually calls Brock by his real name, which will not be published. It’s like calling Rick or Mar by their real names, it doesn’t happen. Brock comes in telling us the story of the time he saw the most perfect breasts five minutes ago.
9:00 In a bit of blatant foreshadowing, Brock starts to take over the running diary:
Brock: “Just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu”
9:08 Mar: What are you betting on today?
Rick: I don’t know, I’m already down $100
Ostrowe: Never bet on black
9:09 Standing around doing nothing give Brock the urge to clothesline people. This could be hazardous to the health of a lot of people.
9:19 Brock predicts that he will body slam Ostrowe by 1:30 PM
9:21 Brock (starting to see a pattern yet?) tries to justify his acts: “I’m married and my wife is in New York for a year. You do the math.”
9:30 There is an African-American gentleman in the infield wearing a shirt that says: “Kiss me, I’m a Lepricoon”
9:31 Dmo: Too bad Big Lenny is not here to kick your ass
Brock: Big Lenny is a pussy
9:33 Ostrowe and Moro come back from an excursion into the depths of the infield sans Anfron. The first disapearence/casualty of the day.
9:39 Sven’s leg gets gashed open by a mystery object. Pimlico is a cruel beast.
9:41 The frisbee circle takes form. Being that the circle is about 4 feet in diameter, it doesn’t make for compelling anything. It takes only seconds for Brock to get hit in the face.
9:42 This circle has lasted almost longer than the original circle two years ago. Nevermind. Ostrowe gets hit in the beer and in a fit of rage launches the frisbee into the crowd.
9:43 Brock gracefully retrieves the frisbee in a secretive manner, however, as he returns to our campsite Event Staff follows closely on his heels and issues us a stern warning.
9:45 As a chick walks by, Brock makes his move:
Brock: Hi Hun.
[Chick does not aknowledge Brock and continues walking]
Brock: Damn, I wanted her titties in my face
9:53 A conversations takes shape about the merits and boundaries of “No Homo.” For those of you not familiar, saying “No Homo” before or after doing anything questionable totall absolves you from undertones associated with the act.
9:57 Over/Under: How many times Moro mentions Terry: 250.
9:58 Moro: Does [Sunra] know how lucky she is? She’s dating the Captain
10:07 As is the tradition at the Preakness many of the people, guys and girls included, who sit near the fence do not wait on the long lines for the portapotties, they just pee on the trackside fence. It should be noted though that on the other side of the trackside fence are Baltimore Police and even some army guys. On this occasion, while Baltimore’s finest are making a perimeter walk there is some hopeless guy peeing and cop proceeds to spray his pecker with pepper spray, watching that guy jump from far away was the height of hilarity.
10:14 Sven expresses his desire to one day own a little person.
10:20 No one outside our circle wants anything to do with Brock. He is a He-Man woman repeller. It stands to be noted that try as we may to make our campsite as big as possible after a few minutes we always wind up standing shoulder length apart. I think we may stop off at Macy’s after the race.
10:22 Brock is good and lubricated (read: drunk). He takes his shirt off and now all girls are 15 feet away from him.
10:25 The first random U-S-A chant of the day. Someone should write a book about this phenomina.
10:27 Rick: If I have a daughter, she is never going to the Preakness.
10:28 Wow. Ostrowe and Brock are actually carrying on conversation with other people and it’s before Noon. Meanwhile, Rick stands back and just watches from his perch on the cooler and just writes down this running diary entry.
10:31 This is truly amazing folks. Ostrowe, Brock, and Moro have been talking to Shelly the school teacher for three minutes now and have not once asked her to take her shirt offfffffffffff. This could be a modern day record. Someone make sure they are not coming down with something.
10:35 Moro sits on the poorly constructed cooler and falls through the top of it. He picks himself up out of the cooler and puts the top back on. Seconds later Anfron sits on the cooler and falls through the top.
10:37 Rick goes through the cooler as he goes to stand on it
11:01 Horses whizz by for the first time today. As Ostrowe turns his head to follow the action he gets a face full of boxers. Behind him is a skinny, white, high school kid with his pants around his knee. Brock takes one look at him and tries to set him straight. However, no matter how many times Brock tells the kid that he is not black, the wigger maintains that this is his style.
11:15 Rick is pummeled by Brock (R: That is what is written and I don’t even know how to embellish it, so lets just go with that)
11:20 By this point Matt has been wearing the Korean Rummy Championship Belt for over an hour. Brock then starts talking to any people who walk by: “He is the champ. And you know why? Because he is the only one that belt fits on.”
11:21 Brock follows in Poppers footsteps by excelling at picking up guys. He tries to justify this skill by saying that if we run out of beer, we can take theirs.
11:34 Ostrowe gets hit with the frisbee and loses his beverage for the second time.
11:39 Have you ever seen PCU. You know the scene when they are throwing the party and there are only guys in the pit and they start chanting for chips and beer. That is what it is like in the infield right now.
11:40 After seeing the fourth Chase Utley jersey of the day (Mike Utley? [Thumbs Up]) Rick and Ostrowe go take a picture with the guy. Well not so much the guy, as much as his back. Two pictures are taken, one by a random drunk and one by Brock. Ostrowe has more faith in the random drunk.
11:43 Brock’s most recent rant of the day: “If you don’t show your tits you’re a communist. You’re a terrorist.” Brock is quickly becoming the anti-christ of personality, people are literally backing away from him.

11:44 Poppers shows up
11:45 Brock harasses a nearby lady: “Don’t Fuck with me Turquoise, show me your tits.” Well I guess the good thing is that he never physically harassed any girls…
11:51 He just won’t stop, he just won’t stop. “You there. You look like you have a sister. Get her to show her tits.”
12:08 Ostrowe: (To a girl that walks by him) Hi. Can I buy you a house?
12:10 After doning a cape Brock jumps on a cooler and says: “I am Super-Titty-Looker-Ater.”
12:15 Poppers leaves. That was a noteworthy visit. You ever notice when someone says “Maybe I’ll stop by” or “Maybe I’ll see you later,” Vegas doesn’t even take bets on these statements. You can guarentee you won’t see them again. There isn’t a person who doesn’t do this.
12:30 Brock win the Masters and has a random drunk put the Green Jacket on him
12:51 Three girls come to our campsite. Grab one of our blankets and proceed to use it as a pee shield. Once they are finished Matt runs over, grabs the blanket and hugs/licks it.
1:15 Ostrowe has been gone one hour. I’m sure if he was in any condition to keep a coherent running diary there would be some funny entries here.
1:06 The kids with the Green Jacket have become Brock’s new fan club. He is demonstrating wrestling moves for them and using Anfron as his wrestling buddy.
1:10 The crowd is so ancy that whenever a girl goes up on someone’s shoulders and does not flash the crowd, people from all directions just start hurling beer cans, filled with beer, in that general direction.
1:13 And now we present you with the third way to go to the bathroom at the Preakness. Step One: Cut a hole in box. Step Two: Put your junk in the box. Step Three: Then you pee in the box.
1:14 As Brock puts Anfron in a full nelson, some Penn State students start a “We Are” “Penn State” chant. We counter act their chant with a “We Are” “Moon Crickets.” No one is amused, well, besides us of course
1:27 Brock fulfills his prediction of body slamming Ostrowe. And he is three minutes early.

1:30 Moro: Guess who I am [Sticks his tongue against his lower lip to imitate having dip in his mouth]
Then he goes on a five-minute rant about Terry peaking with “What does he do all day!”
1:35 Five minutes later Ostrowe finally gets his revenge on Brock. However, the brutal Ric Flair Chop that he delivers breaks his watch
1:40 Sven draws a smiley face out of sunscreen on a passed out chick’s ass. He is immediately chastised by the protectors of said drunk chick. Maybe they shouldn’t have let their guard down.

1:55 Anfron attempts to ask a chick if her boobs are real. Before he gets a chance to ask he is cut off by some guy who thinks that Anfron could be a date rapist. I don’t blame him.

2:00 Anfron is by far the drunkest of the group, Brock is drunk too, but he not showing the effects as much. Good thing Anfron just walked away alone, who knows if we will ever see him alive again
2:15 Moro finally admits that he will not be making it to a bar after Preakness. The infield claims another victim.

2:20 This is too much, too much man
Dmo: Bah I’m old
Moro: How do you think Terry feels?!
2:30 Matt pours more beer on the passed out drunk chick as the Navy Seals parachute onto the track in their annual tradition. Once again Moro creams his pants: “One of those has to be Terry! That would be his entrance!”
2:35 For the first time today a patron of the infield has been led out by the Police. He is late this year. As Brock chugs a random bottle of alcohol that his new friends provide him the perp catches his eye and he walks besides him for 250 yards mocking him.
2:40 Mar tries to wake me up by calling me a ji****oo but I’m not asleep, and he is also not talking to me.
2:42 The annual jet fly over. Pretty much a guaranteed U-S-A Chant initiator.
2:46 Everything is late today. The first creepy old guy of the day just walked through our camp. While we are here, this is my list of things that should bar you from entering the infield:
– You have gray hair
– You are over 35
– You have a kid
– You are a college professor
2:50 Mar starts talking to chicks. Ostrowe starts trying to undress a different set of chicks
3:09 Anfron rises from the dead. Everyone is impressed
3:24 Jim$ and Mar funnel three beers each. After words Mar steals the funnel, funnels some more, then passes the funnel onto a new group.
3:39 Brock appears out of thin air and stumbles over ever cooler. He sees the Korean Rummy Belt and starts to use it as a weapon. Anfron tries to bully Brock, with poor results

3:42 You can’t make this stuff up:
Redneck: Where are you from?
Brock: Virginia
Redneck: Is that is Maryland?
3:43 While standing on a cooler, Jim$ calls Rick over and like a Roman dictator, tells him what to write down: “I am going to buy a horse and name it Titties and it will win the Triple Crown in 2008. Then in 2009 when we come back we will drink Black Eyed Susans from cups that say “2008 Titties””
3:45 Anfron is passed out in a chair so Brock elbows him in the head

3:50 Mar: Jim$ has banged Oprah Winfrey and Marilyn Monroe
3:51 Jim$: FlyFirstClass will win the Preakness.
That is the obvious choice for Jim$ since that is what he does all the time. Jim$ is so wealthy he occasionally flies from JFK to LaGuardia to beat the traffic.
3:52 Jim$: Martin O’Malley (The former governor of Maryland) Sucks
Dmo: Martin O’Malley is gay
3:56 Random guys run over to our camp: “Brock Singleton we’re calling you out!”
4:05 Ostrowe and Rick venture over to the betting windows. There is a guy standing there trying to talk to any girls that will listen to him:
Random Guy: Hi. My name is Petey
[Chick walks away without acknowledging him]
Hey! We’re not the only ones!
4:40 The first rain drops start to fall. All the worst parts of the bible are trying to break down the gates of hell so they can join the fracas in the infield.
4:59 Mar and Jim$ start horsing around (no pun intended). Mar lands a brutal Ric Flair chop then runs away, not far enough away though. Jim$ throws his beer all over Mar and then they go at it. Mar drops Jim$ with a DDT which Jim$ simultaneously sells well and rolls out of without any harm done to his glass cups.
5:00 Anfron once again sits on he poorly constructed cooler. Rick helps him out then puts the top back on. I shit you not after thirty seconds of walking around Anfron sits on the cooler again and fall through it again
5:01 The following argument takes place, it’s one that only we can have:
Jim$: I can’t believe you did that. You are always such a gentleman.
Mar: You threw beer on me. I thought you were a gentleman.
Jim$: You are the biggest gentleman I know. I am shocked.
Mar: Bah you are much more gentlemanly than I am.
Jim$ You are the most gentlemanly
Dmo: You two are the most gentlemanly men I know. I can’t believe that just happened.
Jim$ & Mar: No Dmo, you are the biggest gentleman.
5:02 Jim$ points out that he paid Virgil in singles and Rick paid him in hundreds
5:03 Jim$ is flaunting his trophy rack
5:05 The Fight of the Century breaks out. It makes the fight from 2005 look like De La Hoya/Mayweather and De La Hoya/Mayweather look like Falcetti/Fitzgerald. As the fight is breaking out I try to find out where Brock is. I turn around and he is having some fat guy try to break a can of beer over his head.
5:07 Rick Proclaims he is officially retiring from Preakness
5:25 The Civil War is finally over. Here is a brief recap: A circle about 100 feet in diameter opened up. People in all directions were throwing full beers cans across in the circle into crowds. Some people graduate to throwing coolers, still others throw chairs. Every now and then some guy will cross the battle lines to try to convince people to stop, then a fight breaks out. One guy runs across the circle swinging a chair like a baseball bat. Next thing we know Brock is in the middle of the circle, standing on a cooler egging on both sides. Now instead of a war consisting of either side of the circle, everyone is busy trying to hit Brock. He is in the middle for almost ten minutes and only gets hit with a can once. Finally the event staff escorts him out of the infield. As soon as Brock is gone we look over and Anfron has made his way into the center and he has five guys screaming at him wanting to rip his head off. Rick dashes into the line of fire and drags Anfron back into the group with the rest of us. Craziness.
5:26 Jim$ tells Mar that some random girl stole his chair. Mar goes over to her and tries to get “his” chair back.
5:30 Brock reappears. All he had to do was take his shirt off and walk back in.
5:31 Mar is still fighting over “his” chair and now he gets Brock to help him get it back.
5:34 Ostrowe disappears. He may be dead.
5:37 The other blanket that Rick brought to the infield is currently being peed on. Fantastic.
5:51 Yet another fight breaks out.
Jim$: This would have never happened if Bob Ehrlich was still governor
Mar: This never would have happened if Bob Costas was still governor.
Bob Costas loves Chinese food
5:55 Anfron is once again pronounced dead.
6:00 Ahhhhh the reoccurring Mar, Jim$ Abby debate.

6:05 Moro: If Terry was here none of this would ever happen
6:12 Anfron once again defies logic and shows up again
6:15 Mar calls some girl a hooker behind her back. She turns around because she does not like being called a hooker
6:20 The race is about to go off and Rick has managed to keep everyone he is driving back to the hotel within arms length. But as the gate opens Mar says he has to go to the bathroom. He refuses to pee on the fence and he walks away.
6:23 Tara wins $6.80. Mar misses the race.
6:44 We make it to the car without incident. In even better news, my car is still in one piece.
6:47 Anfron starts peeing right in the middle of the driveway we parked on. The owner of the house is standing in front of him:
Female House Owner: What are you doing? Don’t do that
Anfron: This is what you get you (Two Really Bad Words in a Row)
Rick: Anfron get in the goddamn car. What the hell is wrong with you!
Moro: Sorry, he is really drunk
6:48 Quickly into the car and driving away…..fast.
6:55 Mar and Anfron have a rabbit season/duck season argument using two words I can’t publish
7:12 In a really scary moment the caravan has a run-in with a drunk driver. While traveling in the fast lane the BMW in front of Rick comes to a complete stop in the fast lane. Rick swerves into the shoulder and the BMW almost swerves into him. Rick sits in the shoulder for a minute trying to figure out what to do next. Eventually he pulls back out into the fast lane and the BMW starts pacing him in the shoulder. Rick then slows down to let the BMW get ahead, but the BMW slows down too. Rick speeds up then the BMW floors it, swerves in front of Rick. Rick spends the next 15 minutes in the slow lane.
7:34 Waffle house. Rick and Ostrowe haven’t been since the Derby. I park and turn to Ostrowe. He only has one sunglass lens. The other one is MIA. Ostrowe realizes it too and says: “Hmmmm when did that happen.” Ostrowe claims he is in no shape for Waffle House and doesn’t get out of the car. Everyone else walks into Waffle House, but Anfron doubles back to the car.
7:35 Anfron walks into Waffle House with a Bud Light
7:36 Ahhhh fine Waffle House Cuisine
Waitress: What can I get you?
Anfron: I want a friggin steak
Waitress: And to drink?
Anfron: A friggin beer
Waitress: But you have one already
Rick: He’ll have a water
7:38 The people at the table next to us leave and Anfron walks over to their dirty table. He takes a plate with a half eaten sandwich off the table and brings it back to our table. He scarfs it down all the while dipping the sandwich into the used ketchup on the plate. This is a new low for us. (R: I’m ashamed that I was at the table)
7:40 Mar has left about nine messages with three different people
7:42 Final totals for the day:
Mar- Down one shirt
Moro – Down one Omaha Steaks cooler
Ostrowe – Broken sunglasses and watch
Anfron – Broken sunglasses, gained a lot of shame though
Rick – Down two blankets and $100 (R: I didn’t place any bets and didn’t buy anything to try to convince myself that I “broke even.” It didn’t work)
7:43 Anfron forgot that he ordered a steak and he is wearing his poncho inside out
7:45 Rick: Remember the time Anfron stole food from another table and ate it?
Anfron: No
Rick: Really? It just happened
Anfron: Wow, that’s gross
7:52 Moro: “Who is on the back of that Yankee’s shirt? Galigan 26?
8:10 The caravan returns to the hotel. Rick stays at the car to look for his hoodie, but he can’t find it. He assumes it was stolen. He walks back to the hotel room and finds Ostrowe, Mar, and Moro in bed.
Rick: Where the hell is Anfron?
Moro: He went to the bar
8:13 Rick walks into the bar to find Anfron passed out with his head on the bar.
Rick: Anfron what the hell are you doing?
Anfron: Where am I?
Rick: You came to the bar
Anfron: Why?
Rick: Like I would know. Come on lets go back to the room
Anfron: [Something not related to English]
Rick: What?
Anfron: What?
Rick: What?
[Repeat for 35 seconds]
Rick: If you want to go back to the room say “what”
Anfron: What?
8:17 Anfron finally goes back to the room and passes out next to Mar.
8:21 Elsewhere….Sven makes Brock’s mother in law pull over on the highway so he can puke
8:22 Rick goes outside to talk to Tara on the phone
8:40 Moro calls Rick:
Moro: Where are you?
Rick: I’m hanging myself from a tree
Moro: What?
Rick: It was a joke
8:50 Moro scares the crap out of Rick when he comes to make sure he is not hanging from a tree.
8:51 Elsewhere….Sven makes Brock’s mother in law pull over on the highway so he can puke…..Again.
9:10 Bedtime

Scene III, Act I (A.K.A. Sunday)
8:00 Rick wakes up, showers, and goes to find some food.
8:26 Rick returns with food:
Moro: Is that a Terry Breakfast
[Rick hurls a bagel at Moro’s head]
8:30 Rick opens the door and leaves it open a crack because after getting some fresh air outside it is like death in the hotel room.
9:30 HBO has a tremendous double feature on this morning. Little Big League followed by Rookie of the Year.
Moro: (About Thomas Ian Nicholas) He was in American Pie?
Rick: Yea, he was the one who had sex with Tara Reid
Mar: Who hasn’t has sex with Tara Reid though
Ostrowe: (from the bathroom) Poppers
9:32 While watching Rookie of the Year Moro asks, “Is that Terry?”
9:35 New theorem: Anything that requires effort is gay to Mar. This from the kid who is moving to California this summer
9:36 You can’t start a story with “One time I was at Fitzy’s and Terry was there…” That is way to vague.
9:42 Housekeeping shows up and for a second we all panic and Moro tells them to comeback later
10:38 The caravan has to make a pit stop in Baltimore to pick up Melissa for the ride home.
Mar: Are we going to be gentlemen and let Melissa sit in the front?
Anfron: Probably not
10:44 Melissa once again is not wearing pants under her pants
11:20 Rick is starving and craving a smoothie. He examines every road sign he passes waiting for something the excite him. Then he sees it. At the Chesapeake House. A FRESHENS. THE GREATEST SMOOTHIES ON THE PLANET! Rick quickly parks the car and runs inside fearing the worse. Maybe the stand burnt down during the night, or maybe they will be out of smoothies. NOPE! The weekend finally takes an up-turn.
11:24 Rick, the smoothie-whore, cuts more people in line at Burger King and grabs some food to go along with his smoothie.
11:30 Moro: Boy I wish I had some Burger King fries to go with my Quiznos Sub
Rick: You’re a dick, all you had to do was ask
11:35 Whoppers!!
11:59 Rick: You ever see people throw their babies up in the air? WTF??
Mar: Maybe subconsciously they are like, “This f’king thing”
12:22 Mar: I remember when Terrell moved to Congers and I was like “Holy shit a black kid.”
12:43 Melissa: Rick your balls are melting in my hands.
2:01 Rick: Why is Masiello the Assistant Captain?
Moro: Because he is Masiello. He lives in a three-bedroom apartment in Nyack and thinks he is the shit.
2:14 Moro: Hey Rick, do you shower in the morning?
2:24 Mar regals us with examples of why Jim$ and Shibon don’t get along. One such story revolves around Jim$ using the C-word.
Melissa: He called her a C**T?
Mar: No, not really. He said she was being a C**T
Melissa: Oh, that’s not as bad
Anfron: What’s the difference?
Rick: It’s like Halloween. She was only temporarily acting like a C**T, she wasn’t physically a C**T in real life.
3:00 As Moro correctly predicted we arrive home. Good times.
3:08 Dmo gets call from Melissa on the drive down to Raleigh. when asked how many times Moro mentioned Terry on the ride back to Rockland she responds “A lot.”

That was a heck of a weekend. See you again next year….maybe.

Preakend V: The Mega-Picciniches Collide

It’s been five years since we attended the Belmont Stakes in 2002. Since then Triple Crown season has been the unofficial start of the summer. In 2003 we attended our first Preakness, making this year my historic fifth Preakness. Looking back, the Preakness has always been the Champagne of Races. This is mostly due to the fact that we have only been to one Kentucky Derby and the Belmont has become like a dolphin’s butt in the last few years, watertight (Seriously you can’t even water in with you let alone a cooler.) The Preakness has been home to the Sandy Chang sighting, Ostrowe’s sun burn, and the Sweet Murph Teriyaki. Unfortunately however, the last few years have been disappointing in the way that life has interfered, like it has a tendency of doing. Between real jobs, graduations, and responsibilities we haven’t all been able to be at the Preakness every year. BUT finally, we will all come back to Pimlico. And we have quite the crew this year:

New Members
Moro: Beep Bop Boop Bip. (Translation: Underestimates the magnitude of the Preakness)
Anfron: Give us our best chance to talk to people other than us. (Read: Actually having conversations instead of saying smart ass comments to people)
Brock Singleton: Part-time Professional Wrestler. Once had a feud with Big Lenny

Returning Members
Ostrowe: Once passed out while chanting Big Lenny. After a one-year absence, Ostrowe comes back to Pimlico looking to prove to everyone why he was voted the most entertaining Preakness attendee at last year’s race.
Vodka/Cranberry: Ostrowe’s sidekick. Six liters of it.
Mar: He will most assuredly be winded.
Dmo: Also returning after a one-year absence. It is guaranteed he will steal something by the time the day is over. He is also putting his Korean Rummy Championship on the line.
Rick: Is hoping to win the Designated Driver Award this year. He got hosed the last three years. It is comforting to know that there are that many designated drivers hanging out in the infield though.

Stay Tuned.

Retro Post: The Derby Running Diary

The most exciting two-minutes in Sports.

Back in the days when Jai-Alai was still on ESPN, The Derby had this amazing mystique associated with it. Nothing could top it, and ask anyone who has ever gone to a Derby, no matter if they were in the infield or the grandstand they will tell you that it was the greatest sporting event they have ever been to. Allow me to speak some wiggle, the Super Bowl can’t hold The Derby’s jock. Unfortunately the Sport of Kings has slipped in the past decade largely due to the lack of a Triple Crown Horse, culminating with last year. In the last five years the sport of horse racing has been blessed to have numerous Triple Crown hopefuls that generated a buzz in the sport. War Emblem, Funny Cide, Smarty (Piccinich) Jones. But last year, that was the year things were supposed to change. Barbaro was supposed to save the sport. The crazy part with Barbaro was that all he had to do was win The Derby. With the previous horses, they became household names after the Preakness. Once Barbaro won The Derby he became America’s Horse. So what does he go and do? He shatters his leg on the front stretch along with the hopes of a Nation. But I digress, this post is not about Barbaro, it is about the most amazing trip ever.

We started going to Triple Crown races in 2002 and we determined that 2004 would be the year we hit all three legs of the Triple Crown. It was a simpler time. A time when all three races were on the same network, and a time where we didn’t need to take sick days, all we had to do was tell Steve Kladis that we couldn’t work the weekend. This is the Running Diary from that amazing weekend: [Note: This was one of the first running diarys, that’s why it is quite sparse.]

FRIDAY
2:38 pm – Leave College Park
5:00 pm – Pass by Negro Mountain (Seeing this sign may or may not have sparked our desire to keep a running diary. I can’t believe that nothing happened for the first two and a half hours)8:09 pm – Merge onto I-64, only 237.4 miles to go (Another three hour gap. Lackluster)
8:11 pm – Find out Marshall is in West Virginia (We are Marshall)
8:25 pm – Stop of at T.G.I.Fridays to eat (If I remember correctly, this was around the time that Jayson Williams shot his limo driver. The second we walked into the place we got dirty looks, presumably because we are bastard New Yorkers. I’m surprised no one slashed our tires)
9:20 pm – Rick takes a picture with the hot waitress, then being the smooth guy that he is, he turns and crashes into the door on the way out
9:29 pm – Nitro, WV: Where the preferred means of transportation is an atlas-sphere
9:35 pm – Big Sandy Superstore
10:10 pm – Apparently the exit number before 1 is 191 (I now realize this is because we were crossing state lines. What do you expect I was/am retarded)
10:11 pm – Big Sandy River! Reached Kentucky, acquired second wind for a second round pick and a player to be named later.
10:29 pm – Dmo’s flatulence almost causes an accident
10:46 pm – Little Sandy River
11:09 pm – Stopped off at a gas station and won $1 on a scratch off ticket (I still have that scratch ticket because I refused to cash it in for a dollar)
11:19 pm – Amy Lawrence asks Mike Matheney how it feels to know he needs four balls for a walk
SATURDAY
12:35 am – Ole Mel calls and expresses surprise we haven’t arrived; clearly she must have forgotten we are retarded
12:41 am – Amy Lawrence is still retarded
12:43 am – Shelbyville! We can now have sex with our cousins (For the record, just in case anyone who is trying to hire me for a job is reading this, I do not condone people having sex with their cousins. This is simply a Simpsons reference.
12:51 am – Simpsonville; no more sex with our cousins (As pointed out in the “Behind the Laughter Episode, the Simpsons are in fact from Kentucky. Springfield, Kentucky is about an hour South of Shelbyville and Simpsonville)
12:55 am – God spites Rick yet again (I’m not quite sure how I was spited, or even when the first time I was spited on this trip)
1:18 am – Encountered pink light, did not know how to respond
1:25 am – Drove over curb to reach Papa John Cardinal Stadium parking lot
1:36 am – Rick pees in dumpster
1:50 am – Crappy band still playing across the street (They really did suck)
2:11 am – “Sleep” begins
2:12 am – Ostrowe kicks open trunk
2:13 am – Ostrowe Flatuates
3:45 am – No cars left in Papa John’s Stadium Parking Lot
5:15 am – Wake up to find everything soaking wet, Rain wins round one (Was there any doubt that the rain wouldn’t win. They were the number one seed, we won the play-in game)
5:45 am – Rain wins round two
6:10 am – Rain wins round three (It just won’t stop, It just won’t stop)
6:45 am – We surrender. Ostrowe plans on getting bag from the trunk, on the way his shirt falls in a puddle when he returns he only has a poncho
6:51 am – Ostrowe risks life by making pilgrimage to other car
6:59 am – Rick thinks he’s heady by using the natural resources of a puddle to wash his hands, however he realizes he is retarded since Ostrowe just peed in the puddle
7:49 am – Leave Papa Johns for Churchill Downs
8:15 am – Crotch assaulted by metal detector
9:15 am – After teaching Chubbs how to bet, Rick asks the KFC Girls if they know the Colonel (It became obvious that they have never watched Family Guy. Speaking of Family Guy, have they jumped the Shark, it doesn’t have nearly the amount of buzz they had when they came out of retirement)
9:20 am – Ostrowe wants a 13 year-olds phone number. The woman in front of us complains of being cold so Chubbs tells her to take her shirt off (Chubbs: 5.99/LB)
10:00 am – Met “The Sausage Girls”
10:30 am – Hacksaw Mark Duggan starts HOOOOOOOOO chant
10:44 am – Rain finally stops (I didn’t realize that it had started. Oh, that’s right it hadn’t stopped from the night before)
11:00 am – Maryland Hold-em starts. Chubbs asks Dmo for a dollar, Dmo declines. Rick runs out of dollars, Dmo gladly gives him one
12:00 pm – Two hot chicks show up, everyone turns and watches them
12:12 pm – The aforementioned hot chicks start going at it three feet away
12:30 pm – Chicks still going at it, everyone near turn three stops what they are doing
12:32 pm – NIPPLE!!
12:42 pm – HOOOOOOOOO chant heard faintly in the distance, Mark shows up
12:59 pm – Chicks separated; boo
1:00 pm – Maryland Hold-em, Dmo gives Chubbs a dollar this time
1:02 pm – Hot chick A passes out
1:20 pm – Hot chick B returns, wakes up hot chick A and they start going at it
1:27 pm – Hacksaw Mark Duggan pronounced dead
1:29 pm – BOOBIES!!
1:30 pm – Chicks separated; boo
1:40 pm – Chicks start going at it again
1:59 pm – MONEY SHOT!
2:10 pm – Dmo and Ostrowe go to Portapotty, Dmo returns, Ostrowe pronounced dead
2:30 pm – Chicks still going at it
2:32 pm – African Heat sets in
2:45 pm – Dmo and Beer assaulted in Portapotty by rowdy patron
2:52 pm – Chicks separated permanently; hot chick A taken home (For those who haven’t been counting, that is three hours that no one really did anything else but watch these two girls. Ah the joys of being at The Derby at the age of 20)
3:00 pm – BOOBIES!!
3:15 pm – BOOBIES!!
3:32 pm – BOOBIES!! (I assure other stuff went on at The Derby but since I was 20 and single, I wasn’t really concerned with anything else)
3:50 pm – Ostrowe resurrected with a So Co Hurricane in each hand
4:00 pm – Storm of the Century hits Churchill Downs
4:03 pm – Jurgen proclaims that the storm can’t get any worse
4:04 pm – The storm gets worse
4:08 pm – Jurgen proclaims that the storm can’t get any worse
4:09 pm – The storm gets worse
4:10 pm – Chick with hairy legs hides under Dmo’s poncho
4:12 pm – Jurgen proclaims that the storm can’t get any worse
4:13 pm – The storm gets worse
4:18 pm – Grandstand disappears
4:20 pm – The chick with hairy legs falls over, Rick blinded by hairy chang
4:30 pm – Jurgen proclaims that the storm can’t get any worse
4:32 pm – The storm gets worse
4:45 pm – The Storm of the Century finally ends
4:48 pm – Naked man shows up and slides across tarp
5:00 pm – Rick calf deep in bathroom flood, once again Rick encounters urine cleaning his calfs
5:10 pm – We watch an entertaining game of kill the carrier in the mud
5:15 pm – Fat guy shows up wearing tiny jockey suit and carrying an empty keg. Throws it around to show power but is quickly thrown out of circle. Keg thrown around more, surprisingly no one is killed
5:49 pm – Hacksaw Mark resurrected from dead
6:09 pm – Race Starts
6:11 pm – Race Lost
8:20 pm – Check into Best Western for some much needed comfort
8:25 pm – Independence makes Ostrowe feel like an adult
8:52 pm – Dmo emerges from shower warning about hitting his face on the shower head
9:00 pm – Rick hits face on shower head
9:15 pm – Ostrowe hits face on shower head
9:30 pm – Waffle House for some fine southern cuisine
9:32 pm – Reconfirmed Rick is an idiot (I wonder what I did)
9:45 pm – One-eyed waitress emerges from kitchen (Legend also has it she had a hairnet, an eye patch and was smoking)
10:15 pm – Much needed bedtime, this time in a real bed
SUNDAY
5:00 am – Rick mumbles inaudible sentence in his sleep
8:00 am – Everyone wakes up
8:37 am – Rick baffled by Bob Costas doing his best Ladies Man impression
11:11 am – Leaving Kentucky after exactly 37 hours, to the minute
11:12 am – West Virginia still sucks
11:39 am – Ostrowe makes note to self “I don’t ever wanna go through West Virginia again” (Until we “go” to The Derby this year)
12:04 pm – Stupid West Virginia town names: Big Chimney, Big Otter, Mink Shoals
12:15 pm – Mar pronounced dead
12:30 pm – West Virginia is still a certified business location
12:42 pm – Rick and Dmo are startled by the same truck, Dmo thinks it’s from Alaska, Rick thinks it’s owned by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
1:11 pm – Ostrowe squirts water all over himself
1:15 pm – Rick observes that if a girl’s name is Nona, there’s no way she is cooler than you
1:19 pm – While traveling north on I-79, we passed South Weston 20 minutes after Weston
1:24 pm – Vin calls to find out if Rick is working today (I told him millions of times that I wasn’t)
1:53 pm – West Virginia sucks more wang
2:15 pm – Mar Resurected, he’s on his way to AC before his final starts
2:19 pm – Scan through AM channels, scan never stops
2:28 pm – Hello Maryland, “Fuck you West Virginia” -Dan Ostrowe
2:31 pm – Hello Friendsville, Deep Creek and Swallow Falls
2:41 pm – Negro Mountain, the second encounter
2:46 pm – Ole Mel plots to kills us by trying to get us to play bullets while driving
2:57 pm – Ostrowe holds door open for girl her wants to do…she’s 7
3:00 pm – Disaster at Burger King, Cabin Fever sets in
3:05 pm – THERES MAYO EVERYWHERE!! IT’S IN MY RACOON WOUNDS
3:14 pm – Passed by Noah’s Ark; missed picture
3:26 pm – Storm of the Century vs. Us II: This Means War
3:36 pm – Storm once again gets worse, can’t see anything; sucks for us
3:39 pm – Beat storm of the Century in race to Flintstone, Maryland, Photo Finish; exacta pays $27.65
4:23 pm – Ostrowe tells Rick to show the woman next to us how he feels, half asleep Rick gives everyone in a one mile radius the finger
4:28 pm – Bird impales head on windshield, nearly dies. Will go onto win the Kentucky Derby in two years
4:58 pm – Encountered Moose head ala The Godfather
5:05 pm – Ostrowe spill water on himself, again
5:13 pm – The Beltway sucks
5:16 pm – Dmo accurately predicts that the truck a mile ahead is from Alabama. (I think we saw 48 license plates on the trip to Kentucky)
5:19 pm – AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME
5:23 pm – Return to Seven Springs, Ostrowe’s trunk smells, Dmo’s socks eat a hole in the pavement

To this day I am still amazed that we pulled off this trip without a hitch.

Retro Post: Preakend 2005

Once again in an effort to consolidate everything to this blog, we take a look into the past…..


Welcome to the ill-fated
Running Diary of the 2005 PREAKEND

This years trip has the possibility of being better than any trip in the past. However, since we are involved it has the possibility of going up in flames in a flash. The plan for this year is to head down to Laurel, MD on Friday May 20th, Preakness on Saturday, and finally the Mar State graduation on Sunday. Also on the docket on Sunday is for us to pick up Rick’s parents at Laguardia Airport at 5 pm.

Thursday May 19

10:18 pm – Piccinich Effect. It is still over 18 hours before we plan to leave and already trouble is finding us. Over the years we have learned to leave our planning for the last minute, not because we procrastinate, but rather because it minimizes the number of things that can go wrong. Originally we were going to leave at 9:00 am after dropping Rick’s parents off at the airport but then Dmo informed us that no one would be at their apartment until 7 pm to let us in. We settle upon the departure time of 6:30 pm.

Friday May 20

7:15 am – Rick wakes up from dream in which he was driving down the “Christian Slater Sucks Expressway” in Afghanistan on his way to see a movie for $3.19 while eating a slice of pizza which costs $8.00 which is much cheaper than that $9.00 slice in New York, so that he can drive his family to the airport
10:04 am – While leaving the supermarket Rick doubles back to buy a $5.00 Lotto ticket. He immediately regrets the decision
2:38 pm – The Rick gets antsy, wants to move departure time up 3 hours. Ostrowe agrees and promises to be ready in an hour.
3:15
– While eating at Valley Pizza Rick runs into some guy he used to work with. It’s obvious that neither of us knows the others name
3:32
– Arrive at Ostrowe’s just in time to watch him eat a bowl of easy mac
3:40
– Attempt to leave Ostrowe’s house
3:41
– Car won’t start, key doesn’t turn. (R – How many Piccinichs does it take to start a car?)
3:42
– Call Rick’s dad to find out that we have to jiggle the wheel to start the car (Great Start Bud)
3:43
– Finally leave Ostrowe’s driveway
4:06
– First traffic jam.
4:17
– We drive past Royal Clubs Condos – An Active Adult Community. No lazy old people welcome.
4:18
– Pass Milhouse Van Houten Avenue.
4:33
– After nearly a half hour of trying, Ostrowe finally gets someone to look at one of our signs; unfortunately, he doesn’t care that Ostrowe is friends with Merlin Olsen.
4:47
– Rick observes that the name “Springfield” automatically denotes suckiness; Ostrowe observes that tunnels do not lend themselves well to running diaries.
4:51
– We get Office Spaced for the first time.
5:01
– The car hits 55 mph for the first time in a half hour.
5:07 – People refuse to look at our humorous signs (R – In the diary this line starts off with “bad idea” referring to the fact that I wrote it while I was driving)
5:11 – Rick makes Note to self: Check inspection sticker ass (R – I am writing this on Monday and I have yet to check the sticker, and right now I am too busy to go outside and check it, when I finally checked it on Wednesday it was a month and a half over due)
5:12 – Way2BZ is a gay license plate
5:15 – We get a hot chick to look at our signs; she is highly amused. We manage to hit her with four: “I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL”, “PEOPLE KNOW ME”, “I’M VERY IMPORTANT”, and “I HAVE MANY LEATHERBOUND BOOKS”. She even makes a sign of her own in retaliation, unfortunately she makes the rookie mistake of writing it in pen.
5:57 – Over/under on time of first drunken phone call to Mar on Saturday set at 12:30pm (Over wins)
6:20 – We get flipped off by an old Mexican woman with a “Life is short, Pray Hard” bumper sticker in retaliation to Rick pretending to knock on the car window. We start laughing hysterically, which causes her entire family, including the two little kids in the backseat to flip us off as well. Ostrowe responds by showing them the “YOU ARE A SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER” sign.
6:40 – Food/gas/potty break (R – If I remember correctly this was in New Jersey which if you can’t keep track, we have been on the road for 3 hours and we still are in New Jersey. It normally takes 3.5 to reach Doug’s apartment)
6:54
– Successful gas station trip. We guessed what side the gas tank was on. Ostrowe tells some schwoogie that his apartment smells of a rich mahogany, and he has many leather bound books….etc……
6:59 – Rick gets a call from Sara in which she tells of a new shirt she bought which makes her boobs square, as a result Ostrowe officially changes her name to Sara Squareboobs
7:03 – We witness a bumper sticker that has the letters MV circled in pink and green. We surmise that MV clearly stands for “My Vagina.”
7:13
– We pass the Schwoogie from the gas station and she tells us that her husband has heard of us
7:38
– We pass a car with a Massachusetts license plate with a Red Sox logo on it. Ostrowe informs them via sign that “BOSTON STILL SUCKS.” They speed up to pass us with a sign that says “JETER SWALLOWS” and one that appears to be a crude drawing of a Yankee fan with a penis in his mouth. We pass them again and Ostrowe responds with a sign that lets them know “WE’RE METS FANS”. They shrug their shoulders as if to say they have no response. When they pass us once more, Ostrowe crosses the line with an “I GAVE THE COKE TO LEN BIAS” sign. They start ignoring us after that. (for good reason)
8:10
– We make our first and last ever stop at the Delaware rest area; possibly our last stop in the entire state of Delaware ever.
8:12
– Rick: “Worst. Rest stop. Ever.”
8:18
– Ostrowe- “I wonder what they are doing with all this toll money, they are clearly not using it to……” (O – It’s now Wednesday and I still don’t have a good way to finish this sentence)
8:28
– An hour away from Laurel.
Rick: “I hope we make it another hour on this tank.”
Ostrowe: “How could we not make it? We have more than half a tank. Fuck, I just invited the wrath of the Piccinich effect.
8:32
– Over/under on Rick mumbling something incoherant in his sleep set at 1am Saturday Morning. (Over wins)
9:38
– Arrive at Westgate (6 hours after leaving NY), Ostrowe steps into a rain filled pothole exiting Rick’s car.
9:43 – Ostrowe tells Rick that Dmo lives in 156 so as Rick knocks on the door Ostrowe proceeds to walk in 158 (R – Dick)
10:03 – Liquor store door closes on Dmo’s face and he proceeds to scream profanities at the owner. This moment brought to you by Rick’s delay at the stop sign 2 minutes earlier.
11:00
– Smack down (the video game) has officially ruined the Preakend, who knows when we are going to stop
11:15
– Dmo: “BP, I thought you were gonna get the multiplayer adapter on the way home from work?”
BP: “Yeah, I don’t know what happened, I guess I didn’t buy it.” (O- It’s so much better when your hear BP’s delivery, it can only be imitated)

Saturday May 21

12:07 am – BP: “Wow that chair is so bent out of shape you could almost sit in it” (R – Who knew chairs were for sitting)
12:15 – Dmo and Rick tap out, Ostrowe and BP start their 3 stages of hell match
1:45 – BP wins an epic 1.5 hour last man standing match (O – Ridiculous)

PREAKNESS SATURDAY MORNING

Joining Rick, Dmo, and Ostrowe at the Preakness will be Poppers, Jurgen, Eddie O, and Murph

7:15 – Dmo and Ostrowe wake up and play a Royal Rumble
7:47 – Dmo has a vodka cranberry, Jurgen proclaims he will be in the first vehicle to leave for Pimlico
8:00 – Rick, Ostrowe and Dmo leave for Pimlico, Jurgen is no where to be found
8:08 – We pull out of Westgate, passing a Chevorlet Trailblazer in the parking lot. That’s right, ChevORlet. That’s what it said on the car.
8:12 – We stop at Giant where Dmo and Ostrowe simultaneously suggest Rick purchase Lunchables.
8:52
– Rick blatantly runs a light that was red for at least 5 seconds. (R – I still claim it was more towards a pink)
9:00
– Arrive at the shady alley that has treated us so well in the past three years
9:04
– Rick forgets ticket in car
9:15
– Tony a.k.a. Virgil grabs cooler. (At Pimlico on Preakness Saturday thousands of mini schwoogies wait outside to offer all the drunkards a hand with their heavy coolers. Last year we were suckers and carried out cooler the entire mile to the track entrance, this year Virgil gave us a hand for only $5 plus the $5 tip we gave him. Sweet deal)
9:17
– Rick introduces himself to Virgil.
Rick: “What’s your name buddy?”
Virgil: “Tony.” (R – They have a weird southern dialect in Baltimore)
Rick: “Nice to meet you Tony. I’m Marty, and these are my friends Marty, and Marty.”
Virgil: “Wow, you guys are all named Marty?”
Ostrowe: “Yeah, that’s how we met.” (R – That doesn’t really explain anything)
9:22 – Marty Piccinich signs up as a designated driver
Rick: I’m a DD, what do I have to do to get a free hat
Lady: Just sign up on this list
Rick: Wait, I don’t have to drive other people home do I
Lady: Nope
Rick: Good, can I have my free hat now….please
9:25 – Rick loses free hat
9:30 – Finally arrive in the infield
9:34 – Rick makes another note to self: Call Maxx at 12:00. Rick accosted by a bagel (R – once again a note I wrote to myself in the running diary, and once again a note I totally ignored. My bad
9:36
– A 5 foot in diameter Frisbee circle forms
9:37
– The circle dissipates
9:51
– The first Korean Rummy hand of the day. The over/under for the number of times that people will ask us if we are playing Texas Hold’em is set at 20 (under wins)
10:02

“Where’s the pisser?”
“Just use the fence” (Mind you that stand directly on the other side of the fence is Baltimore’s
finest)
10:16 – Boobies (R – This one chick was wearing a shirt which said ‘Yes they are real” and she would flash the crowd about a million more times after this but I only gave the show about a 5)
10:36 – Dmo ignores the keen advice of Hacksaw Mark and sprints out of the gate (referring to his early Korean Rummy Championship Match lead)
10:31 – What the hell? A horse just flew by. (R – Hey asshole we are at a horserace remember?)
10:50
– Hopkins chicks sitting behind us ask us why we need so much space for four more people. Ostrowe replies “You should see Eddie O, he’s freaking huge”
11:15
– Jurgen and the gang are officially cum whores for being slow mother fuckers (R – they said they would be leaving at 9, and this is the Preakness, what were they waiting for? They need to get their priorities straight)
11:22 – Rick throws his cards down in disgust
11:23 – The cum whores arrive, they add a late entry to the running diary…
9:50 Murph (at dunkin donuts) “I’ll have this bottle of water and………..that banana” The entire store stopped, no one understood what they had heard, but the banana was rung up as an “extra dry topping”
11:25 – Biggest Boobies Ever
(R – These things were enormous. She wound up flashing the crowd one more time and then leaving because she was being heckled so much, but it was her own fault. You don’t come to Preakness with those things dressed in a skimpy bikini and expect not to be heckled. They get an 8 just due to sheer size although they are not my cup of tea)
11:34 – Dmo tries to hit Poppers with the Frisbee, he ducks and it hits Random Guy A
11:35 – Ric Flair Chop (R – I didn’t sell it)
11:37 – Jurgen the Hit Man Hart shows up to mourn the late Owen Hart

11:40 – Everyone agrees that The Big H is hot (O – The Big H was a petite Hopkins chick with a red bikini and a hat with an “H” on it. Her face kinda resembled Schwawa if only Schwawa was good looking and didn’t have huge gums)
11:41 – First Casualty (R – I’m guessing this was someone being carried out on a stretcher and when that usually happens people scream at him like he is a horse running in a race)
11:43 – Ostrowe and Poppers solve the puzzle, the answer was http://www.Carteretmorgage.com, Gutter show em what they have won
11:56 – Two girls take their shirts off and perform the most viewed chest bump this side of the Mississippi
12:00 pm – Dmo has wondered off by himself already and has been gone for 15 minutes
12:01 – Eddie O gets pantsed by Jurgen. Jurgen proclaims “He looks like Saddam but with a smaller penis”
12:20
– Rick and Ostrowe stop at Black Eyed Susan vendor to get souvenier glass. Ostrowe has the following conversation with the schwoogie behind the counter.
Ostrowe: “Can I get a Black Eyed Schwoogie?”
Schwoogie: “What? You mean Black Eyed Susie.”
Ostrowe: “Yeah, that too.”
12:33
– Unanimous decision that this is the best weather ever for a horse race
12:36
– Jurgen is hammered
Who will be more hammered by the end of the day?
Ostrowe – 12 votes
Jurgen – 2 votes (R – Even strangers were voting for Ostrowe, maybe they favored his nice eyes?)
12:41 – Ostrowe starts drinking vodka cranberry out of his one gallon bottle
12:42 – Poppers tries to pee on the fence but is met by cries of “noooooooooo” from chubby guy. It’s good to make your enemies early
12:45
– That kid is so emo (O – This group of emo kids sat down in front of us. This one kid was so emo, if you want to know how much more emo he could be, the answer would be none. None more emo.)
12:46 – Chubby guy tries to apologize for being an ass, Jurgen will have nothing of it, Ostrowe says “If this guy doesn’t get out of my face I am going to give him the stunner”
12:56 – Drunkenness Race opened up to all entries; Ostrowe is the favorite is win, Jurgen is the favorite to place and Dmo is the front runner to show. Poppers and Eddie O trail the pack
1:00 – Ostrowe runs into a guy who has a real version of his shirt
1:05 – Ostrowe tries to brutalize Rick with a chair shot but event staff R2’s his attack
1:06 – Ostrowe starts telling girls that they are wearing too much clothes
1:07 – Jurgen proclaims he will be back by the sixth race
1:15 – Chick pees on fence
1:16 – Boobies
1:20
– Poppers launches an unprovoked attack on the Chinese people next to us
“What are these Chinese Chickens? Is this a buffet? It’s the Preakness not the Chinese Derby. This is the Fucking Preakness not the God damn Tokyo Dome. Fusaichi Pegasus isn’t running today………………………I might show” (R- these Chinese people did nothing but sit next to us, even we didn’t say any degrading comments about them, Poppers just started ranting out of nowhere for no apparent reason) (O – even I thought Poppers was out of line and that’s saying something
1:24 – Some guy in a Michigan State shirt walks by, Poppers loves his shirt and takes 5 minutes to tell him so
1:28 – Ostrowe – “Poppers if we were trying to pick up guys, you’d be our MVP.” Ostrowe prematurely declares this to be his line of the day. Read on and decide for yourself if he was right.
1:29
– Testicle Guy makes Ostrowe the first winner of the day. Jurgen did not make it back for the sixth race
1:43 – Jurgen spears Poppers, or as my dad said, tries to act out Ostrowe’s shirt
1:46 – Jurgen’s phone apparently says some degrading things to him and he throws it for the first time
1:50 – Rick bets on the big race, doesn’t bet box Trifecta of Alex, Giacomo and Scrappy due to desire to have enough money to pay for the ride back
2:08 – Frisbee is gone
2:10 – Boobies
2:11 – Dmo pisses his pants a.k.a. he gets shoved into a porta potty
2:16 – Another hot chick walks by and Rick fails to get her attention
Poppers: “You blew it Rick
Rick: “If she had a penis you could have talked to her”
2:18 – Murph pronounced dead, partying with Reagan
2:20
Rick: “We should tell people that someone died”
Ostrowe: “Gerald Ford
Rick: “Too simple, it makes sense”
Ostrowe: “Chevy Chase
Rick: “hahahahahahaha, perfect”
Rick: “Hey mom. What? Chevy Chase
died? You’re kidding me. Of what? That’s terrible.” (hangs up phone) “Chevy Chase just died.”
2:25
– The rumor spreads like wildfire. (R – I blame the schools)
2:30 – Dmo vows to never take another Vegas Vacation; Ostrowe successfully feigns outrage: “What the hell is wrong with you, the guy hasn’t even been dead for 20 minutes!”
2:32 – Guy from Queens, who placed bets on Scrappy T because “he had the largest nuts” (Scrappy T is a gelding which means he has no balls), thinks it’s cool to be an asshole to random girls by pushing them into his pool. (R – He apparently read my website and took it all to heart)
2:45
– At least 200 people will know about the late Chevy Chase. (Most people are shocked, one guy immediately said that he must have been on drugs and the heart attack was a cover up)
2:56
– Jurgen is alive. He informs us that he has three important things to tell us. Who knows what they are? Not Jurgen.
2:59
– Jurgen/Ostrowe I – Ostrowe attempts to spear Jurgen. Jurgen manages to fight him off and wrestle him to the ground with a bag of chips in his hand. Jurgen is declared victorious and a truce is declared; Ostrowe waits 4 seconds before violating the truce with a brutal Flair chop.
3:00 – Dmo: “I only notice the horses when the people start screaming”
Ostrowe: “I notice that the chick in the blue is fat”
3:03 – Two people start making out and Jurgen walks over to give the chick tips on the proper way to kiss a guy
3:13 – Rick: “It’s so damn hot but at least I won everyone’s Maryland Hold’em Money.”
3:34 – First Aid working overtime, 3 dead in last 20 minutes
3:36 – Jurgen picks a fight with emo guys (R – good thing he walked away because those kids were way too emo for him)
3:40 – Jurgen launches cookies into crowd
3:50 – Poppers pronounced dead
3:53 – Hot chick walks by and as Rick stares at her ass the wind blows her skirt up to reveal that she isn’t wearing underwear. (R – Apparently word hasn’t reached God that we are the worst people ever
4:00
– Dmo flatulates in Rick’s general direction
4:02
– Ostrowe punches the beer out of Eddie O’s hand (O – I really thought this happened earlier in the day. But then again I really had no idea what was going on.
4:03
– Save of the Century: Jurgen trips over the cooler and somehow manages to not go ass over face
4:06
– Jurgen throws phone again and screams that “Hopkins Fucking Sucks”. Jurgen/Ostrowe II: This Time It’s Personal – Jurgen attempts to spear Ostrowe. Ostrowe blocks the spear and counters it into a DDT. Ostrowe declared victorious. Truce is called, this time no Flair chops.
4:07
– Murph comes back from the dead and appears out of thin air to pour beer on Dmo. Jurgen takes offense to it and proceeds to show Murph the proper way to pour beer on Dmo and the beer war erupts. Running Diary survives a scare
4:10
– Poppers still dead, Dmo, Ostrowe and Jurgen dissapear into oblivion (O – We were going to visit chicks. Hard to believe but true nonetheless.)
4:18 – On walk to visit chicks, Jurgen swipes 30 pack of Bud Light from frat-looking guys without breaking stride; frat guys don’t notice until it is too late.
4:20
– Poppers is alive, another dead person is carried by and Poppers is the only one who cares
4:21
– Dmo, Ostrowe and Jurgen arrive at chicks’ campsite. Ostrowe is introduced as Ostrowe, chicks are confused.
4:25
– Poppers shouts obscenities at and thus scares away a feeble Bernie Williams
4:27
– Ostrowe sits down on 30 pack which then collapses. Ostrowe then begins using 30 pack as footrest and using the chicks’ cooler as a pillow. In an unprovoked attack, Dmo kicks Jurgen in the face for absolutely no reason and the two begin wrestling in the dirt as the chicks scream at them to stop.
4:30
– Kentucky Derby lesbian look-alike spotted
4:31
– One of the chicks, Jen, makes the mistake of initiating a conversation with Ostrowe.
Jen: “So your name is Ostrowe?”
Ostrowe: “Yeah.”
Jen: “What’s your last name?
Ostrowe: “Ostrowe.”
Jen: “So what’s your first name?”
Ostrowe: “I don’t want to tell you, its gay.”
Jen: “Come on, just tell me.”
Ostrowe: “. . . Marty.”
4:36
– In yet another unprovoked attack, Dmo kicks the cooler out from under Ostrowe’s head.
4:40
– Poppers admits he had a crush on the MSU guy
4:41
– Jen: “This sucks, guys have been molesting me all day.”
Ostrowe: “Why?”
Jen: “Because of my shirt.”
Ostrowe: (notices her shirt says “Squeeze Me”) “Ooh, can I squeeze you?”
Jen: “NO!”
Ostrowe: (tries to molest Jen)
4:50
– Professor Poppers Revelation of the day®
“Every teen likes rap, not every teen likes Audioslave. Rock is too segregated” Pahhhh
4:54 – Dmo, Jurgen and Ostrowe return
4:56 – Ostrowe fully approves of Eddie O’s crotch (O – I was going to try and write an explanation of this but it just made me sound gayer)
5:00 – Ostrowe: “These guys are so loaded they passed out….that’s totally emo”
5:05 – Jurgen: “What is that thing?”
Ostrowe: “It’s practically the fetal position”
Jurgen: “No, your drink”
Ostrowe: “oh”
5:06 – Football flies from oblivion (or the beyond) and strikes Eddie O
5:07 – Jurgen drops his drink and goes on a Godzilla like rampage destroying the final game of Korean Rummy thus ruining everyone fun.
5:09 – My boy blue shows up mumbles more incoherent sentences than Rick in his sleep
5:11 – Jurgen takes his pants………………offffffffffff
5:12 – Poppers: “Murph is dead”
Ostrowe: “He’s more alive than Chevy Chase”

5:20 – Sweet Murph Teriyaki (O – Murph was lying on the ground with a Subway wrapper covering his face)
5:30 – A guy in his skivvies runs and dives into a kiddie pool that he has no relation to
Rick: “It must be nice to be in a state where that seems like a good idea”
5:32 – Some guy walks by with a shirt that says he went to Belmont in 1989. (R – I was six, he is at least 36 and still partying in the infield)
5:34
– Jurgen dons Ricks coat for no apparent reason and throws his phone again
5:36
– Ostrowe: (to some girls) “You need a place to sit? My face is open”
5:38
– Moment of silence for Murph denied
5:40 – Rick: “Hey look, that chick’s hot. But she’s smoking. :-(”
Ostrowe: “Who, Smokey Smokerstein
over there?” (R – Normally when a girl smokes she automatically loses ten points on a scale of ten with me, however, Smokey Smokerstein managed to be an exception)
5:47 – Emo kids begin Screaming Infidelities at each other
5:48 – Ostrowe: “Blondie, Blackie sit on my face”
5:50 – EMO FIGHT!
5:52
– Ostrowe: “Jimmy is gay.” (R – This was Ostrowe’s rebuttal to the fact that Jimmy would not be present on the booze cruise)
5:52 – Ostrowe hits on a chick who takes a rest in Eddie O’s chair
5:55 – Ostrowe’s Emo Meter breaks (R – This guy wasn’t very emo) (O – No wonder my emo meter broke, those kids sitting in front of us were too emo for it to handle)
6:00 – Ostrowe’s voice cracks
6:05 – Poppers: “ Giacomo’s mother is a whore, she fucks for money”

Everyone boos Giacomo
6:07
– Ostrowe writes his web address on some chicks arm
6:08 – Jurgen begins to pick a fight with Eddie O. Murph says he won’t do anything because Eddie O is passive
6:15
– Fight of the Century breaks out
Fisticuffs, Tom O’Leary, Jack Johnson all present
One guy grabs a folding chair and wreaks havoc on people’s heads and backs. Blood everywhere. The fight begins to settle down, the catalyst is restrained but some asshole lands a sucker haymaker to the catalyst’s face
6:16 – Ostrowe stuns Poppers (Poppers sells it)
6:18 – Fight of the Century breaks out again, more of the same
6:20 – Eddie O’s Chair threatens to slam Ostrowe’s face into a car windshield and then take his Mom out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again

Coach O’Shea’s chair never stood a chance. It even sold the stunner better than Dmo did after the NBA Draft.

6:22 – Disappointment, Rick’s un-bet $3 Trifecta hits, pays out $872 for every $2. 26 years without a Triple Crown winner
6:30 – Ostrowe spits on Rick’s jacket, Rick punches him, Ostrowe retaliates with a stunner, Rick doesn’t sell it (O – I don’t remember this. I don’t remember this at all)
7:00
– Recap of the walk back:
Ostrowe falls on his face while carrying the cooler
Inappropriate comments made by Ostrowe:

Schwoogie: “Anyone want to donate money to firefighters?”
Ostrowe: “Sorry I don’t speak Negro”
Rick: “I don’t know this kid, he just paid me to carry his cooler.”

“Take your top off”

Rick: “Hey look a Mustang”
Ostrowe: “Hey look a cheesy moustache……yea that’s right. I’m talking to you” (R – The guy was standing right next to us)

“Hey I want to have sex with your mouth”

“I want to touch your dirty parts”
7:30 – While driving on I-95:
Rick: (while on the phone with Sara he looks over at Ostrowe) “What the Fuck are you doing! Are you trying to pee out the window?”
Ostrowe: (arrogantly) “Yeah”
7:31
– Rick pulls over and Ostrowe walks 100 yards into the woods to pee (Post Script – 3 weeks later)
7:48
– Return to Westgate. While standing outside of the car Rick and Ostrowe decide to leave the cooler in the car, Dmo just walks over and picks it up and carries it inside
7:50 – After seeing a picture of Sara, Ostrowe proclaims,
“I want to pee on Sara Squareboobs” (O – I don’t remember saying this. Sara, I apologize. Unless you are into that sort of thing, then we can work something out.)
8:00 – Rick barely has enough money to get home, so lets go to Olive Garden
8:05 – Dmo tells us about the Formal Ric Flair Chop, it’s delicate and features a grab at the end
8:10 – Ostrowe: “Thanks for holding the door Mr. Negro” (R – We should be dead)
8:13 – We decide not to wait 40 minutes at Olive Garden, but neglect to return the beeper they give us. Dmo thinks it’s a good idea to walk across Route 1
8:20 – While driving across the street, Ostrowe passes out chanting “Big Lenny”
8:22 – Ostrowe passes out at Ledo’s, Dmo hits him with menu
8:23 – Ostrowe: (to waitress) “I just want you to write down on your notepad that this guy (Rick) likes to have sex with men”
8:25 – Waitress falls for Chevy Chase “joke”
8:26 – It’s official, no one should ever talk to us, we are the worst people ever
8:40 – Food comes, Ostrowe leaves. Hilarity ensure watching Ostrowe try to find the car in his state
9:00
– Rick: (to Ostrowe) “Why the hell are you pants off”
Ostrowe: “I was walking back to the car and they just fell off, I tried to stop them. They are just poorly constructed”
9:04 – The beeper starts going off, our table is ready at Olive Garden
11:13 – Rick declares that we will NOT make it to Mar’s graduation tomorrow
11:20 – Our table is still ready
11:45 – Dmo goes to bed without playing anymore Korean Rummy

Sunday May 22

12:07 am – Still playing Smackdown. Officially not going to Graduation
12:15 – Ostrowe wins last pants standing match (R – I know this sounds gay but I assure you it’s not)
12:16 – Ostrowe crashes into Rick’s good knee…..clearly a lie
4:08 – Rick mumbles inaudible sentence in his sleep
7:00 – Rick awakes as Murph and Eddie O leave and he tells Ostrowe that he was glad we left an hour ago for Mar State
7:30 – CSI is called in to figure out who drowned the Olive Garden beeper in the sink
8:30 – Dmo points out that we could still probably make it to Mar’s graduation; we decide to sit around playing Smackdown for 4 hours instead of making the attempt.
9:00 – We’re only an hour from Mar State, but somehow we are still playing Smackdown in MD
10:00
– Mar calls Rick. (R – In the background all I could hear was the graduation that we were not at)
Rick: “Happy Graduation”
Mar: “What?” (Hangs up)
12:00
– Instead of leaving for NY, Rick and Dmo go out to look for cables for camera/TV connection.
12:20 pm – Rick realizes his phone is gone
1:00 – Korean Rummy controversy but finally the belt has come back to Rockland

Official Scorecard of the Preakness Korean Rummy Championship 5/21/05
Dmo Rick Ostrowe
-.25 -.50 +.75
+.50 -.75 +.25
+1.25 -1.00 -.25
+2.00 -1.50 -.50
+3.25 -1.75 -1.50
+4.75 -2.75 -2.00
+6.25 -3.25 -3.00
+7.50 -4.25 -3.25
+7.25 -5.25 -2.00
+3.25 -.25 -3.00
+3.00 -1.25 -1.75
+2.00 EVEN -2.00
+2.75 -.25 -2.50
+2.50 +1.00 -3.50
+2.25 +1.75 -4.00
+2.00 +1.25 -3.25
+1.50 +2.00 -3.50
The winner and NEW Korean Rummy Champion, The Rick
(R – I’d like to thank Jurgen and Buddy C for making this possible)

1:16 – Rick: “I am a reckless abandon.”
1:34 – We get passed by a car with a “BURGNDY” license plate; surprisingly we don’t get hit in the face with a burrito.
1:50
– We pass a Bobby’s Potty on the side of the road.
2:26 – We pass an Ashy Larry lookalike with a “HYNOTIK” license plate blaring Alice Cooper’s “Poison” on his car stereo. Don’t think anyone saw that coming.
3:02 – The bad news is Rick can’t use a cell phone near the gas pump, the good news is that he doesn’t have a phone to use
3:07 – Ostrowe declares his advice for chicks: “The only way to get a guy to stop talking about another girl is to suck it”
3:16 – Rick declares Delaware to be the “Worst. State. Ever.” (Now we all know how much Rick hates Massachusetts
, but Delaware is worse thanks to this simple mathematical reason. Massachusetts has about 4 times the amount of suck as Delaware, however, it is about 5 times bigger than Delaware, therefore Delaware has more suck per square mile than Massachusetts)
3:18 – Rick loses his mind completely, starts singing Adam Sandler’s “Hanukah Song” and “Lonely Jew on Christmas” from South Park
4:18 – Another traffic jam = More evidence of poor planning on Rick’s part
4:30 – Rick loses his mind again
4:32 – There’s nothing to do in New Hampshire but be Emo
4:48 – Rick looks in the mirror and thinks to himself, “hey that person has a Springfield College Sticker”. It’s on the car he is driving
5:34
– Rick’s parents’ plane lands; we are still sitting in traffic in the middle of Jersey.
5:37
– Rick’s dad calls and expresses his disgust with us for not leaving earlier.
5:59
– Rick’s dad calls once more to express his disgust and threaten us with bodily harm.
6:04
– Rick’s parents call back and tell us not to bother picking them up.
6:10 – Moment of silence held in honor of the late Smokey Smokerstein, who won’t be able to make it to next year’s Preakness due to succumbing to lung cancer.
6:12
– We stop to fill up Rick’s dad’s tank as a gesture of good faith.
6:15
– Ostrowe suggests that when Rick’s dad yells at him for not picking them up, Rick tell his dad, “You’ll get over it, you’re just having your period.” Rick spits soda all over himself as a result of Ostrowe’s suggestion. (R – I assure you Dad, this was never an option
6:35
– After playing several 3 stages of hell matches over the weekend, we have clearly found the fourth stage of hell: this ride back.
6:41
– Finally, The Rick and Ostrowe have come BACK to Rockland.
Rick: “You wanna go to the Big S?”
Ostrowe: “With what money?
Rick: “Touche’, Marty.”
6:50
– Sara Squareboobs is clairvoyant. On Saturday, she told Rick that she wished he got a new phone, and on Sunday he lost his phone. Pahhhhhh.
7:36 – Rick finally arrives home, awaits scolding of a lifetime
7:45 – Rick finds out that some guy called Brian earlier reporting that some one found Rick’s phone, there is a chance the Startac might be saved (R – We are working with a real rocket scientist here, after looking through my phone book he decided to call Brian instead of home
7:55 – Judgement hour, receive cocotazo from parents
8:30 – Rick shows his parents and his Aunt the pictures from the trip, they respond with “You guys are losers no wonder you can’t pick up chicks” (R – At least you can always rely on your family to be brutally honest

Well, we set out to accomplish three things this weekend. Preakness, Mar State and pick up Rick’s parents, only one occurred but since we were involved this was expected. The over/under in Vegas was at 1.5 but the casino stoped taking bets because too many people bet the under. At the end of Saturday Ostrowe clearly has more to drink than Jurgen, but Jurgen was in pretty bad shape so the race was determined to be a dead heat. Dmo showed by a neck over Poppers. Murph tested positive for Irish genes so he was declared ineligible for the race.

Official Ranking of Triple Crown Races on the Piccinich Scale
Race Highlights
1) 2003 Belmont: It poured all day. This is not an exaggeration. It was a down pour from 9 am till 7 pm. This was the site of the lemon relay, Ostrowe stealing a stretcher from the men’s room, Ostrowe intentionally peeing himself after rationalizing it to everyone around him and an all in all good time. Funny Cide failed to win the Triple Crown extending the drought to 26 years without a Triple crown winner
2) 2005 Preakness: Perfect weather and for the rest see running diary above. The day went too quickly . The only bad part was the abscence of Mar
3) 2004 Kentucky Derby:
It’s the derby, bad weather led to great weather led to the worst rainstorm ever led to decent weather. Lesbians, Hacksaw, Mud Puddle Mosh Pit. Did I mention that we spent two days in Kentucky as part of a 4 day roadtrip and nothing went wrong. Except all three of us hitting our faces on the shower head in the hotel even with the warnings
4) 2004 Preakness: Our first visit to the Pimlico infield allowed us to witness Ostrowe’s crazy sunburn, Ostrowe licking random chicks, Ostrowe blacking out for 5 hours, Ostrowe screaming about his late uncle to Long Island guys sitting next to us. Ostrowe was clearly the MVP of this day.
5) 2003 Preakness: Sandy Chang, Ben Howland, Chesey Moustache guy stomps our camera
6) 2004 Belmont: Pupino makes fun of Philly all day, Alan Embree’s mistress, Smarty Piccinich Jones crushes the dream of millions and extends the streak to 27
7) 2002 Belmont: Ostrowe was not present for this one, it was our virgin race. Jamie Fitzgerald drove us. There was a huge fight at the end. We were passive except for when we traded a quarter handle of Uncle Jack for 4 beers

Preakness 2006 Running Diary

The Preakness has been one of the greatest Piccinich traditions for the last three years. As a side note I would just like to point out that there may not be anything else that we do which could pass as a tradition. But anyway, this year was shaping up to be a tremendous outing.

*Disclaimer*
This year most of the meat and potatoes of this running diary is build up to the actual event. You have been warned

May 4
3:00 While working on the model we needed to build for our facilities class, I receive a call from Ostrowe. We both know that we want to go to the Preakness this year, but since Dmo now lives in New York, we no longer have a place to stay. Dmo can’t join us this year because he will be going to Ireland that day. However, Mar still plans on going. It has recently come to our attention that Nicole Sikora has moved down to Baltimore to work and train at a country club. We decide that we can stay with her. Another kink is that fact that Ostrowe has to be back in NY the same night as the Preakness because if he misses his sister’s graduation, his mother will disown him. Wow, it almost seems like we have a plan.

Rick: “Now lets never talk of this plan again or else it will never come to pass”
Ostrowe: “Agreed”

May 10
Apparently Nicole lives in some guys house and sleeps on a cot, or at least that was the rumor that was passed down to me. It seems like we are out of luck already.

May 13
There is a possibility that we can stay with three different sets of people who Doug and Ostrowe know in Maryland. Things don’t look too bad

May 17
As of today; we officially still don’t have a place to stay. Every place has fallen through and I am preparing to spend a night in my car in a shady parking lot.
12:00 I leave Rockland to go visit Lib. We watch the European Club Soccer Championship and When a Stranger Calls, a crappy movie about a babysitter who becomes the target of a serial killer.
7:00 Arrive at Amanda’s house in hopes of surprising her
7:01 Amanda is out babysitting, I get a little scared inside. Stupid crappy scary movie
9:30 After a nice talk with Amanda’s mom, and watching a movie that will not be named with her sister, Amanda comes home.
10:05 Leave Amanda’s house because she has to work at 7:00 AM tomorrow
11:05 Arrive at Sara’s house. It seems like everyone is asleep and Sara won’t pick up her phone.
11:08 Amanda calls and tells me that she doesn’t have to work tomorrow. F, stupid Piccinich Effect
11:11 I crawl into the backseat and prepare for a night sleeping in the car. This will be good practice for the weekend. I now vow to never surprise anyone with a visit who lives more than 3o minutes away from me. This is hazardous to my health.
11:17 Headlights appear outside and Sara and Moe pull up in Moe’s car. Hold up, is something actually working out for a change. Weird

May 18
12:15 Much needed sleep
8:15 Wake up, TV
10:00 Make breakfast
4:30 Sara has to go to work and the gym, so I am on my own for a while. I can use this time to get a haircut and find a gift for Sara’s parents.
6:00 Ostrowe calls. He is sick with the bird flu and will be unable to make it down to Baltimore. I knew our plan was too good to be true.
6:45 Call Mar. He still wants to go down since he knows people from Villanova who will be in attendance. Since I am not one to turn down a chance to go to the Preakness, I decided to head down as well, sadly sans Ostrowe.
10:15 After dinner with Dr. H, Sara and I head out downtown with her friend Chris from high school. I didn’t get to know him to well since I have zero social skills, but he was a cool kid.
11:00 We go to a bar called the Student Prince. It has a very laid back attitude. It has a Fitzy, but classier, vibe.
11:15 The vibe is confirmed when we meet one of the regulars. We are told that he is literally there everyday. This previous statement doesn’t even phase me anymore. That basically speaks of half of the clientele at Fitzy’s. Anyway, the guy look like Francis, but only if Francis took a shower and shaved everyday. His name is Jerry and he may have though it was Miami Vice night because he was wearing a white suit with a teal green dress shirt underneath. To top it off he sounded like the raspy-voiced football player in The Waterboy. All in all he was a pretty cool guy.

May 19
(Davinci Code Opening Day!)
12:00 We made our way over to Fat Cats next. This place was 97% college kids, 3% creepy old guys.
12:08 While standing near the bar:

Creepy guy: I love this place, it has a great view
Rick: Pretending I don’t speak english

1:02 This guy walks by me with not just a popped collar, but with two popped collars. Yes, no joke. He was wearing a collared shirt over a collared shirt, both with popped collars. Is it just me or should this offense be punishable by death? Tell me that I am not alone here.
1:45 After a rousing three-game pool series, I beat Sara, last call is up and we head home.
4:15 We finally get to bed after a few hours of talking. This is going to have some serious repercussions that I will hopefully live to regret.
7:12 I receive a text message from Mar saying that we can stay with Nicole. HUGE!
9:00 Why the hell am I awake now. This is shaping up to be very bad.
11:45 Davinci Code first showing in Massachusetts. Word to all the people who are protesting the movie. It’s Friking Fiction. Dan Brown made it up. Sure it talks about a different story which is rooted in conspiracy, but still anyone who takes the book as literal truth is dumb.
3:00 After two hardware malfunctions, finally start the Davinci Quest final puzzle. I was one of the 10,000 finalists and for my efforts received a replica cryptex from the movie.
4:00 Say goodbye to Sara, she is going to be working in Greece until the end of August. Lucky her, tear. Finally on my way to pick up Mar.
7:00 Pick up dinner at Dee Maria’s. I tell Mar I will pick him up in 20 minutes
7:45 Pick up Mar, so what I was just a little off
8:00 Over/Under on Personalized License Plates: 12 (under wins)
9:04 Background: One year when Mar and I were driving down south, we saw a butt-load of personalized plates. Somehow we deduced that all these people also used the same thing as their AIM name. So upon reaching Maryland or wherever we were, we tried to IM all the plates we saw. Sadly to no avail. Anyway, upon not seeing a lot plates tonight:

Mar: People with personalized plates are online chatting up a storm right now.

10:00 “IM BOAR” what a bad plate.
11:10 Arrive at Nicole’s golf course. She shot a 65 today so she was at the bar with the rest of the country club employees and members.
11:20 Mar and I agree, this is a very strange atmosphere to be in. We have both worked at golf courses and know what golfers are like, but there is something different about this bar, maybe it’s the southern hospitality mixed in but I can’t put my finger on it. Most conversations started like this:

Nicole: These are my friends from home
Golfer ____: Hey guys, I’m so and so, do you need a place to stay?

May 20 (Preakness Day)
12:02 I can no longer stand up, and this cigarette smoke is making me sick, so I retire to the car. Good thing I brought a pillow.
12:30 Mar and Nicole wake me from my slumber.
12:32 Upon entering the car and repeated every 5 minutes or so:

Nicole: I’m hammered

12:33

Nicole: I only live 40 minutes from here
Rick: You’re fucking kidding me right? I’m dying
Nicole: Doogie said we can stay with him, he lives three minutes away
Rick & Mar: Yea lets do that

12:40

Nicole: Nine Birdies today
Mar: If you played for Paul Toscano he would have given you a box of balls for that performance
Rick: I heard Chris Moro pointed at Paul Toscano once and got a sleeve of golf balls

1:05 I pass out in Doogie’s arm chair. And I have to admit it was almost more comfortable than my bed at home. But that just could be due to the state that I am in.
7:24 I am woken up and Doogie asks me for my keys so he can move my car. As he walks out the door:

Rick: Did Doogie Howser just steal my car?

8:00 I wake up to hear Nicole say that she wasn’t that drunk last night. I direct everyone’s attention to the entry at 12:32.
8:13 Every segment on the local news revolves around the Preakness. For example, when talking about the stock market, the broadcaster segues to Barbaro’s stock going through the roof. A bad omen for things to come.
8:35 Leave Doogie’s in search of the Preakness
9:10 Park in the same lot/backyard that has been so good to us for the last four years.
9:20 We are turned away because we have metal folding chairs, not metal umbrella chairs. I’m still trying to figure out the difference, I seem to remember some guy using the metal umbrella chairs as a bat during the fight of the century last year. Folding chairs would be slowed down due to wind resistance.
9:26 Mar is too winded to think about resting. Don’t worry it doesn’t make sense to me either.
9:41 Inflation is a bitch, tickets are $55 this year.
9:42 The cattle drive that is trying to get 80,000 drunk college aged kids into the infield begins.

9:48 There are three event staff workers trying to stop a few thousand people from jumping the dividing fence while funneling people into the security checkpoints. Great job Pimlico.
9:57 Infield breeched.
10:05 We meet Mar’s lady friend. Once again due to my lack of social skills, the hellos will be our only interaction.
10:18 Mar claims he will be drunk by 12:00 since he is already 3 beers deep.
10:23 It is agreed upon that people over the age of 30 should not be allowed into the infield.
10:32 First race finishes
10:33 Mar says he wants to bet on the first race
10:36 We become friends with Faux Rutko. He has the same shaved head, tattoos and crazy look in his eye.
10:45 Kyle Boller is introduced to a sea of boos. Several Jets’ chants break out.
12:55 Faux Rutko returns to his blanket with a chicken tender/fry/heroin basket.
1:00 Unspoken/Should be Rules of the Preakness:

Popped collars are illegal.
Don’t walk on other people’s blankets.

1:15 The usual beach ball makes its rounds in the infield, I hit it into a crowd, and then next guy punches it into the face of his friend. The kid drops. Hilarious.
1:25 Mar funnels for the first time, then again four minutes later.
1:49

Rick: That guy is wearing a Villanova jersey.
Mar: We should kick him in the throat, he is an imposter.

2:21 For the first time this year, some drunk thinks that he can sit on his Styrofoam cooler. He sits, it breaks into a million pieces. Side note: His friends all laughed at him for a good five minutes, then a few hours later one of the laughers did the same exact thing, idiots.
3:00 Neither of us have placed a bet yet.
3:30 At the Preakness, funnels are pretty much passed around at random, it’s kind of gross, but common place. A different funnel has now made its way to our campsite. This girl funnels a beer and as she finishes time slows down. Mar and I are standing like ten feet away and see her start to drool and shit starts coming our her nose. She passes out standing up and her face lands in a pile of discarded and crushed cans. She comes to with her face bleeding everywhere. The guy who was holding the funnel drops it and walks away like the classy guy he is.
3:32 Mar walks over and picks up the discarded funnel and proceeds to funnel 3 beers in a row.
4:20 Huge fight breaks out…again. It’s early this year.
6:20 The main race is in 10 minutes and we still haven’t bet on anything all day.
6:30 We head out during the post parade since we figure listening to the race on the radio will be better than standing in the infield and seeing the race for 5 seconds. And we don’t have any winning tickets to cash. Plus we can beat the traffic.
6:34 Barbaro breaks down, the horse racing world watches in horror.
7:34 Stop at the Maryland House for some food. This Roy Rogers meal is the first thing I have eaten in 24 hours beside a pretzel and half a hotdog which I had for breakfast. Mar clung tightly to the liquid diet finishing 20 beers over the course of the day. He was a little disappointed in himself.
9:45 Make it home somehow without succumbing to lack of food and sleep.

In conclusion, this may not have been one of the best horse races I have been to, but it was still a horse race. Ostrowe and I have already vowed to make it to all three races next year so look forward to those three running diaries. Come to think of it that sounds like last year when Ostrowe and I vowed to go to all three horse races this year….