Double Dose of Randomness

There are two types of trains on the Metro-North Hudson Line; the new trains and the old trains. In the new trains, there is a section of five seats that face each other, three on one side, two on the other. Figure A demonstrates the proper way to sit in these seats.

Figure A

Notice that this configuration maximizes leg room and gives the two people on the same side a buffer seat. Now let’s see what happened to me on Friday when a douche bag ignored this simple unspoken rule.

I arrived at the train early and grabbed my favorite seat on the train, the extra seat in the group of five, MAXIMUM LEG ROOM!Then, this is when things got hairy. Even for someone who is unaware of this unspoken rule, there is still a 50% chance that they pick a seat that is acceptable. And in actuality when those four seats are open, you can guarantee they won’t pick the one next to you therefore there is only a 33% chance they can fuck up your ride. I bet you can figured out what happened next.
Oh yea, and guess what he was a fatty, and he put all his bags on the seat next to him. A few moments later when another fine gentleman showed up, there was only one place for him to sit. The guy next to me of course pulled out his computer and was type type typing away. Thus making my personal space that much smaller with his flailing elbiddy-bones. I know it’s only one ride in a pool of many, but still, I have this blog and I can complain about whatever the hell I want.

Shortly after my escapades on the train I headed to the mall to meet the rest of the gentlemen at BWW, however, in the process I was distracted by Best Buy, and since I didn’t have Tara to talk some sense into me, things got messy. Follow along to see how to effectively buy 10 DVDs in 10 Minutes.

7:15 – Walk into Best Buy with the intention of buying season 2 of FNL and Event Horizon. Head straight to the new release section and grab FNL (1).
7:16 – Notice the Cloverfield is next to FNL. Remember that Ostrowe said it was a good movie. Add Cloverfield to your “cart,” and head over the horror section to find Event Horizon. (2)
7:17 – Realize that in fact, Event Horizon is not labeled as a horror movie. Find it in the sci-fi section and head towards the registers. (3)
7:18 – Remember the time you wanted to buy Detroit Rock City for only $5 but Tara told you it was a bad idea. Head to the comedy section only to realize that you don’t own Chasing Amy for some reason. Add both of them to your “cart.” (5)
7:19 – Take the long way out of the comedy section due to congestion on one end. Exit the DVD section through the TV show aisle. See Chapelle’s Show season 2 retailing for $27. Think to yourself: “That is too much, I don’t need Chapelle that badly.”
7:20 – “But it is so funny.” (Pick up DVD) “Lil’ Jon, Race Draft, Charlie Murphy! I can’t pass this up. I just got paid though, I can splurge.”
7:21 – Realize that it is more thrifty to buy the Dave Chapelle 3-pack DVD for $40. (8)
7:22 – Walk towards the register, but make sure you catch the first season of Upright Citizens Brigade out of the corner of your eye. Think: “Well, I just spent $40 on Chapelle, so $23 on UCB couldn’t hurt.” (9)
7:23 – Make it to the register without further incident. Oh wait, is that Little Miss Sunshine, you liked that movie the one time you saw it, you might as well get that one too. Why buy 9 DVDs when you can buy 10?
7:24 – “OK.” (10)
7:25 – Pay $157.34 and get the hell out of dodge.

Don’t judge me.

Title Track (8.24.07)

Lets start this Title Track with the prestigious:
QUICK OUTS HALL OF FAME.

If you are a religious Quick Outs reader, you will see that I update it daily. It is an easy way of spreading interesting things that I find along to you without having to do any work other than clicking on a button. It’s even easier than churning out a new Title Track. So without further ado, I present to you, the inaugural members of the Quick Outs Hall of Fame.
~The Defender of Fresh Biscuits~
This may be one of the funniest commercials of all-time. I don’t even need to say anymore:

~You’re the best! Around!~
I still don’t know if these are real or fake. If I was forced to choose, I’d say fake. Regardless, Marques Colston is now cooler because of this video

~Minesweeper!~
This preview still makes me laugh.
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1770138

When Hank Aaron hit his 715th Home Run. NBC Sports had picked up the game. That night, with the game on network television, 14.7 million households tuned in. This season, when Barry Bonds hit his 756 ESPN and FSN Bay Area combined to attract slightly over 1 million households. Now is this proof that people don’t like Barry Bonds or that people don’t watch TV anymore or that the amount of programming on TV has severely diluted the audience? I don’t know. But just as a comparison, 13 million households tuned in to see Mark McGwire hit his 62nd home run in 1998.

What is the most watched show in the history of cable television? The premiere of High School Musical 2. That’s right. With 17.2 million viewers it beat last year’s Cowboys-Giants Monday Night Football game.

So the NFL suspended Michael Vick indefinitely. Good, glad that’s over with. Now I am sure we will never hear about this story for the entire football season. I can sleep easier now.

I laughed out loud an inapproiate moments after reading the following things:

Q: What do you consider to be a fair trade the Red Sox can make for Wily Mo Pena? My roommate and I were discussing it, and we decided that a cheeseburger would be fair. But not just any cheeseburger… we’re talking a one-pound cheddar and bacon burger from Fuddruckers. We figure once we add on the tomatoes, pickles, relish, mustard, ketchup, jalapeños, nacho cheese and onions, we’d come out on top. Your thoughts?
–James, Brighton
SG: Um, you’d come out on top if you traded Wily Mo for a single-patty McDonald’s cheeseburger with nothing on it. But I like the thought of Theo Epstein announcing the deal, then holding a news conference in which he eats the Fuddrucker’s burger in front of the reporters and cameraman and just repeatedly says, “Mmmmmmm … . Mmmmmmm … mmmmm, this is delicious, it almost makes up for the fact that we effectively gave away Bronson Arroyo … mmmmmm … yummmy … “

A Nike billboard will be unveiled in midtown Manhattan next Tuesday featuring Serena Williams from the waist up accompanied by the text, “Are you looking at my titles?”

“Then finally the highlight of my day, Michael and i shooting a commercial for the game College Hoops 2K8. It was my first commercial so i had a good time with it. Its a pretty funny commercial so when it comes out i hope people will like it and go out and buy the game that im on the cover of. When it comes out it shouldn’t be to hard to find. It has this handsome African American fellow who played at The Ohio State University and he looks like he is 40.” -Greg Oden

University of Michigan Football player Marques Slocum responded to one of those
generic Facebook self-quizzes and it wound up all over these internets. Most people are proclaiming him as a god incarnate. And while I did find it hilarious, he also may be slightly retarded. It will be interesting to see if any repercussions come from this.

Mail Chain highlight: This week was mostly spent quoting Super Bad when not talking about Evelyn, so the quote of the week is:
I just want a girlfriend for 2 months, so when I get to college, I’m like the Iron Chef of pounding vag.
Which of course led to:
You already are the Iron Chef of pounding Evelyn
Daryl’s the Iron Chef of mowing lawns
Terry’s the Iron Chef of making barpies
Jim$ is the Iron Chef of ties
Gerry Oswald is the Iron Chef of stealing $60
That Young MC from the Preakness is the Iron Chef of stealing $100 bills
Anfron is the Iron Chef of having Steve Elkington’s putter in his ass

Since this is already a clusterfuck of a post lets add some Unspoken Rules:
1. Don’t wear the face of your watch on the bottom of your wrist. That’s gay.
2. When waiting in a long line for a cash register. Take your money out you dolt. Don’t wait until the cashier tells you how much it costs. Be considerate for chrissake.

The New Zealand Rugby team is known as the All Blacks. The New Zealand basketball team? You guessed it, the Tall B

Wikipedia entries this week:
Pretzel – There are cold, warm, soft, chewy and hard pretzels. Soft pretzels are best eaten fresh-baked. These are common in Germany. Cities in the United States like Philadelphia, Chicago, and New York are also famous for their soft pretzels. Fitzpatrick’s in Congers, has the most famous soft pretzels made by Terry Galligan.
Evelyn – Evelyn de Fitzy’s, constantly has Mar’s face in her snatch
Chubb – $6.99/lb

The Dreambaby = Jonathan Brady

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Unspoken Rules of Life: Vol. I

First thing first. I know what you’re thinking; “Isn’t the correct phrase, Unwritten Rules.” Yes, yes it is. However, you forget to factor in my level of retardation. The phrase ‘unspoken’ stems from minor faux-pas on my part one night. We are not ones to let a good recurring joke slip through the cracks, hence the title. (Note: I realize 90% of the people who are reading this were either there that night or know of the story, but allow me to think that I am writing to the general public for just a moment.

Secondly, the following rules are not to be confused with The Rules of a Gentleman. Rules in the latter category would include allowing women through a door first, offering your lady friend your overcoat on a cold or windy day, and refusing to stop to ask for directions. These are things that all guys should do no matter what. Unless of course your name is Tom Brady. Since he is exceptionally Handsome, with a capital H, he could do the exact opposite and women would still fawn over him. If you don’t believe me here is the evidence:
http://www.vsocial.com/ups/f27eb4ab7b0e882168159e75075e88e9

Speaking of Tom Brady, his season ends on a down note, people start to doubt him, and then his biggest rival wins the Super Bowl and the MVP trophy. How does Brady respond? He goes and has the greatest off-season in recent history. First he dumps Bridget Moynahan (for the record: she is overrated and has mutant toes, big turn off in my book, there I said it), then he starts dating Gisele Bundchen (A Victoria’s Secret Model, every guys dream), then word comes out that Moynahan is carrying the Dreambaby (and I couldn’t blame her, if I was dating Tom Brady I’d secretly milk him at night and store his sperm for this very reason too). THEN, not to be topped word gets out that Bundchen is pregnant too! Granted that turned out to be a rumor, but still, it’s epic. This man is not human. I’m convinced that if there was an auction for the prize of being Tom Brady for a day, the bidding would end around $2.32 million. After this it was easy to see why Brady lost his good, catholic, school boy aura, but just when you think he has lost the fan base consisting of 35-54 women, he comes back and becomes the biggest story of the draft when it is “leaked” that he restructured his contract to allow for Randy Moss to join the team. What’s more? It’s only MAY. The pre-season doesn’t even start for three and a half months, and already Tom Brady is the number one story of the off-season and the odds-on favorite to win the Super Bowl this season…..but I digress.

Onto the rules:

Don’t walk on the grass at Springfield College
This is the rule that started it all. Literally during orientation we are told that we are not supposed to walk on the grass. I played along for a while, but I am a firm believer of the axiom which states the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. By the end of my tenure I didn’t even care anymore.

Never use a urinal immediately next to one that is already in use
This rule is frequently ignored and always leads to awkward situations. If all the urinals are taken, use a stall. If the stalls are taken, just wait. I hate it when there are three urinals and I am using the one on the far right then the next guy uses the middle one. What’s worse is when the first guy uses the middle urinal.

Don’t initiate conversation around the urinals
You do realize if you are talking with with someone at the urinals you both are holding you’re package. That doesn’t seem weird to you? If you feel the need to chat, wait 45 seconds until we get to the sink, then you can talk our ears off for all we care.

If you insist on walking three-wide, don’t be a dick about it
There is nothing inherently wrong with walking three-wide in a hallway or on the street, it happens sometime. But be considerate to your fellow pedestrians. When someone is walking towards you, just get out their way. Don’t make them squeeze around you. Ass.

Courteous Driving
If someone lets you go ahead of them. Give them a wave. If someone give you the right of way. Give them a wave. If they cut you off. Give them the finger.

All that’s all for this edition, stay tuned for more Unspoken Rules as they become written.