Over the years we have always had a quote sheet on hand to document all the stupid stuff we say. What follows is a uncensored peek into our world. Names have been withheld to protect the innocent:
July 26, 2013
Jmac: It is impossible to look cool with a backpack
Me: I think I look pretty cool
Jmac: No you don’t
Molly describes a Joyce restaurant
“I was zeroing in on this today at brunch. There has to be music. Very important. It has to have a certain type of atmosphere, but it is indescribable. He has to have a foodgasm. And then he says ‘I would come back here’.”
Nisa: you have he apt to yourself this weekend
Me: nice. In gonna bring over so many hot babes
Nisa: that never happens
Me: wow. Yea…
Nisa: no I meant you having it to yourself!
A new series from LB: From John’s Mouth
John to me just now: “you’re like the fat kid in the apt.” After I asked “are you gonna eat that?”
Yesterday’s @JohnsMouth: how do you spell poop backwards….poop…it’s a palindrome!
Just out of @JohnsMouth: “I’m enjoying my tie combination in pictures”
March 15, 2013
Re: Dinner at 10:00P
Molly: This is so New York
March 2, 2013
Bar Keep: Ok, I be back with four beers
Rick: Nope. Just three
BK: (Confused look) But why three? You are four?
Ostrowe: He doesn’t drink
BK: (More confused) What? Ah, wait. I know. You [Rick] are not 21.
Joyce: (While insulting random people) YOU LOOK LIKE…YOU LOOK LIKE
January 24, 2013
R: What is in your perfect breakfast burrito?
K: Cupcakes and scrabble tiles wrapped in a tortilla. That is my perfect breakfast burrito
R: You may still be drunk.
K: I am defo still drunk
January 16, 2013
Rick: It is only easy to be cool when you don’t care
Manager: Jamal. You are working Jan 1 during the day.
Jamal: Wait why?
Manager: You are under 21. Therefore you work the day shift since people over 21 won’t be able to
Jamal: But I got to go to church. I can’t.
Other Guy: You don’t have to go to church you just want to smoke your weed
Eddie O: That smells terrible
Rick: (to Dmo) was that you
(Everyone backs away)
Dmo: In context that was not me
November 30, 2012
Definition of a Joyce Bar:
1) Unisex Bathrooms
2) Few to no attractive girls. If there are girls there at all
3) At least 3 beers you have never heard of on tap
4) No TVs
5) Sawdust on the floor
6) Optional: Every 10 minutes the bartender shhushes the bar to quiet everyone down
Joyce: Rick, It looks like you are drinking a beer in that cup. You actually look kinda cool
Joyce: You’ve got three wingmen, make your move
Rick: You are all married, you’re useless
Joyce: Fuck off, You have Eddie O, he is the muscle
Dmo: I haven’t showered
Joyce: Ok, Dmo is useless
Rick: Every time you are my wingman it is the same thing. “What are you drinking? Where are you from? He works for NBC Sports”
(Three girls stop near us)
Rick: Quick do something. I never know what to do
Jmac: How are we going to eat?
Jmac: that guy put the Hobo in Hoboken
Rick: I liked Ken better
Ostrowe: The menu used to be much more extensive. They actually made the pizza for you
Ostrowe: There is a whole postal police force. But you can’t really go to jail for mail fraud. It is just a small fine
Kristen: What if you mess with someone’s package
Ostrowe: That falls under the Postal Service: Special Victim’s Unit
November 6, 2012
Definition: Sending a girl Some Nights
Has similar meaning to the old practice of creating a mix tape for a girl, however, this tape only has the Fun. album Some Nights.
May 17, 2012
Text from Molly: Hi nick! You haven’t seen chris have you? He forgot his phone today and was supposed to meet me to get my apt keys #wildcardismia
Peg: Oh my god, Louisville is in Kentucky, right?!
Peg: To the future Mrs. Kelly!
Peg: Joyce, where do you want to go on your honeymoon?
Jmac: You are around me more than anyone is supposed to be around me. Because then I talk, then I have thoughts
Jmac: I’m so wise. Like an encyclopedia of nonsense.
Elevator Operator – How you doing?
Security Guard – I’m chillen hard. Especially after I eat this motherfucker? I’m gonna workout like a gorilla tonight.
EO – On a Saturday?
SG – (Death Stare) Damn straight. That’s like making love. Never a bad time
April 1, 2012
Jmac: Kristen Wiig is really not that attractive. No wait. I take that back. She looks terrible.
March 31, 2012
Jmac: let’s go to LBs and we can watch the game while she gets ready.
(Jmac gets text while we are outside)
Jmac: Well my TV watching plan just cockblocked myself
Me: I’ll go get pizza. See you at the bar
Ostrowe: What are you doing? Where is LB going?
Jmac: Home. Where are we going next?
Ostrowe: We are going home
Jmac: Oh no!
Rick: Just go meet LB at her place
Jmac: (tries to call LB) Oh No! She’s not picking up her phone!
Rick: I can literally see her at the end of the block
Jmac: (Runs down the street)
Note to average looking guy talking to good looking girls at the bar. Don’t use game of thrones as a pickup line during the UNC game THEY are watching.
January 12, 2012
Jmac: If you don’t want to make that pizza, you can just have some of my leftovers
Rick: I just feel like making it so it doesn’t exist anymore
Eating Cereal – A state of being turned on beyond belief.
Origin: John Harvey Kellogg among others created cereal as a way to lower sexual urges which he believed were detrimental to overall health
Rick: Watching Modern Family. Haley in a bikini.
Ostrowe: I meant to text you that last night but I was too busy eating cereal
November 26, 2011
Joyce: I got my haircut in New City.
Joyce: Spring Valley Market Place
Rick & Jmac: That’s not New City
November 5, 2011
Mar: Your gonna bang so many chicks this weekend since your the only one in your apartment and it’s right around the corner
Jmac: Well, maybe just one.
Mar: Oh that’s right ur only thinking of one person now.
October 31, 2011
Rick: It is a treat to see you [Dmo] in your work environment
Melissa: Not really, he is usually in boxers
Dmo: She is right. I put on pants for you
Molly: You [Joyce] are saying a lot of weird things today
Rick: Nah. Sounds pretty normal to me
Joyce: I love you Molly but I’m really happy the Eagles are losing
(Ostrowe tells Rick the list of five places he needs to visit in America before he dies)
Ostrowe: Chicago, Miami, San Fran, Montreal, New Orleans
Rick: That was a Joyce list. Of the 5 cities in America you need to visit. One you have been to already (Miami) and one isn’t in the US
Jmac: God I am more handsome than Tom Cruise. Someone get Eddie O to confirm that as a fact
September 23, 2011
@theJMAC: Pool at Hardrock=awesome. But only thinking of one person.
September 8, 2011
Roy Rogers Syndrome: Liking something after being told by multiple people that it is awful. Opinion may or may not be influenced by a strong desire to go against the grain or spite. RRS is about half a step away from being Hipsteritis. Tread carefully
September 2, 2011
Rick (playing WWF): I’ve got bacon but no where to put it
Jmac (not knowing he is playing WWF): what?!
+1 filmed it
(Rick and Jmac playing football on the beach)
Vic: Why do these white boys get to play football. Bullshit. I tried to play and those lifeguards told me to stop
Rick: you can play with us
(Later to jmac)
Rick: My family would be disappointed hearing Vic call me a whiteboy. The worst part is that I have no way of convincing him otherwise. So sad
Rick: Filet Sliders. Wow
Jmac: Yea I kinda have to get them. But they are expensive. But I don’t care
Jmac: It might rain
Rick: It looks like it might rain
Joyce: They said it might rain
Rick: What is the difference between the tall glass .5 liter and the mug .5 liter
Joyce: The texture
Friday August 5, 2011
Sends Rick a picture of a bar called Royale
Rick: You know what they call that bar in Europe? A Quarter Pounder
Wednesday June 15, 2011
(When discussing the Booze Cruise)
Daryl: I will not be attending as it is the same day as my company booze cruise
Jmac: Let’s all go on Daryl’s company booze cruise!
Dmo: Now that would be entertaining.
Ostrowe: I would be in for that.
Mar: in for Daryl’s cruise
Eddie O: In, +1 guest
Daryl: You would all need IDs that say your first name twice and then your last name. Like Mar Mar Ryan or Dougla$ Dougla$ Mohr or Ostrowe Ostrowe Ostrowe.
Saturday June 11, 2011
Angie: Jmac needs to realize how heavy his limbs are
Bouncer: You are going to have to put out that cigarette
Jmac: But I don’t even smoke
Bouncer: Wow. Cool last name
Random Guy: Mine is cooler
Jmac: His is Casanova
Random Guy: Fuck that is cool
Ostrowe’s Aunt: I’ll never forget you Johnny McSomething
Unknown: I can’t wait to move to the city. I’m gonna bang so many chicks. Set some kind of record
(Joyce darts across the street and cuts off a biker)
Biker: Bikes suck bro
Jmac: I never noticed babies before, but now that I have a niece and nephew, I’m like, “Hi Babies!”
(Walking past a guy and a girl on a date)
Jmac: I just ruined another date. I shouldn’t make eye contact
Sunday June 5, 2011
Laurant: I met a girl. Her name is Emily. We are in love and she will be my wife one day.
PS: She is not a stripper
The following posts were originally posted on January 28, 2007.
Not clue on the original dates
To escape the lion, sometimes you must go to his den
There’s always enough room for two people at the top as long as you are both people
Choose your own Adventure
It can get much better than this
If you last name is Hyman never use an adjective to name your child
– Contact that’s another movie that makes no sense
– I think that’s Jay Kohlman’s favorite movie
– That makes sense
– I might as well secede the belt
– What is this the fucking union?
I don’t play cards
What kind of pen doesn’t have a house?
– What are you guys Wallflowers?
– Yea, we’re the three Marlenas
– We should have had Vin make his Queso dip
– It’s endorsed by Mike Utley
– What do you want to do?
– (points to Ashley)
I successfully cockblocked myself from every girl at this party
I hope you don’t think of me differently
This kid is like Mitch Williams we are the only two old enough to know who Mitch Williams is
-You guys are always smiling
– Well I’m just happy that I got tickets to the Luther Vandross Concert next week
– That’s fucked up
You are a lanky kid, tall, long legs you can get out of a lot of situations
– I’m going over there
– Say hi to Mar
– I’m not going to Long Island
(5 minutes after Terry wins the game)
– How did we win the last game?
– YOU made the 8-Ball
Maybe if we sat near the coats people would have a reason to come near us
How the fuck do u scream infidelities?!
It’s not the arrows, it’s the Indians
Next time we visit Doug I’m going to send myself as an e-mail attachment so I can get there faster, then you can just upload me
You’re just not a person bro
It’s not as fun until your 21
I don’t trust anything that bleeds five days of the month and doesn’t die
It’s the season of giving
Were pathetic and retarded what do they expect
You can never have enough snatch
Rick: You should hire a schwoogie to do your laundry for you
Wait; Hold on Ma I’m looking at boobies
That’s what cool about magazines, you can stare at a chicks boobs forever and she will never know you’re a pervert
Your ramalamahamdamed if you do, and ramalamahamdamed if you don’t
The more you want something the less obtainable it is
I bet Canada has no laws about banging minors…. advantage Piccinich
I piss money
All that can go wrong, will go wrong…. All that can’t go wrong, will also go wrong
I don’t know if it’s me or the Shirley Temple’s speaking…. but you’re hot
I know you must get this all the time but…would you like some garlic bread??
– Someone should make a program were you can play any card game online
– Get on it Terry
– I sell golf clubs
Dave & Busters: Where you can get fucking cocked while your kids play video games
– Hey are you driving tonight?
– Yea just bring me another beer
Were Hardcore…. [One minute later] Harold. [Girl gets up and leaves] Apparently we don’t have the drawing power of Terry.
You couldn’t fit your trouser snake in my shorts
– Why would they make a fuss [about you peeing in the street]?
– Because I have a vagina
BELIEVE IN THE SYSTEM!
I’m emphatasizing my point…Fuck that’s not a word is it
-Grab me some singles
-(Pulling out 5 hundreds) We got 5; I think we’ll be ok
I can’t take me anywhere
Thank god were naked
I’m in a glass case of emotion!!!!
[In context] We now go live to Diane being a bitch, Diane
OH WHAT ARE THE ODDS
I don’t want to play anymore I just want to suck on Tom Bosley’s Clitoris
-I like Tom Bosley
You can lead a Piccinich to people, but you can’t make him talk
-Thank God I have X-Ray vision
-Who looks like Fay Vincent?
(Mar to a girl who walked into the room 5 minutes ago)
-Why are you watching basketball?
-I Will Stab You in the Throat
Whatever I say is Jesus Christ
This is Villanova playing, where is you team? They’re playing volleyball in the parking lot.
(Already on the top floor of Ricks dorm Mar proclaims): I’ll sleep upstairs
I’m Fucking Fast
That kid is so emo
– I started kickboxing and I’m watching my carbs
– Yea I started Kickboxing cars too
If you drank as much as I did you would have trouble getting out of Hong Kong too
(In reference to the previous quote)
– That’s the greatest quote I ever heard, who said it?
That girl is a hooker
That’s why I play cards at bars, there’s less chance of fucking my chance up w/ girls
Are you going to ditch us to hang out with girls again?…………queer
I went to a bachelor party in Chicago, apparently the stripper said I was mean because I told her she sucked
You’re a Putz
Why don’t you and your cards go sit in the front row of a U2 concert.
Soiled Queso dip made of doors
-Is that Chase Utley?
– Is that Mike Utley?
– I’m just waiting for you to get off of your fat ass
– I’d be able to if this queso dip wasn’t so wonderful
Hey lets go solve problems
There’s queso dip on the quote sheet
I want a dictionary to open my bedroom
– All I know is that I’m seeing a lot of talking and no queso dip
– Shut the fuck up
(Rick fumbles pen as he tries to write the quote)
– Yea now what? Now you’re fucked
We’re trying to break into her room not make a delicious queso dip out of her door
– You can see right through her
– Damn her, she’s feigning interest to get more tips
– Shut up she really likes us
Your Korean Rummy in a cell [I know this is bad grammar but that’s what the sheet says and it’s much funnier….5 bucks to whoever can interpret what the hell it means]
He has his fingers in a lot of pies
I’m getting an STD just thinking about you
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball
If I were you I’d krazy glue her eyelids open and make her watch me bang Tiffany
Nine times out of ten
Communism is a bitch
Sometimes you have to swim through shit to get to the ocean
It’s like the blind leading the blind
Everyone’s looking for a freebie
You’re just not a person bro
Hot chicks like horses
I like horses
Therefore hot chicks like me
I went to a bachelor party in Chicago and apparently the stripper said I was mean because I told her she sucked
Well excuse me Mrs. Social Worker
11:52 Wife of guitar player tells us her son goes to a gay college
12:00 Woman has enough of us calling her son gay and leaves
12:41 While at Lexington Ostrowe is finally happy that he is at a bar where the women are not married to the guitar player whose gay son goes to the fashion institute
Sars is killing us off like we are a bunch of Iraqi children
(After coughing for 25 minutes straight) I’m dying motherfuckers
– What happened?
– Supreme Court Justice William Rhenquist is dead!
– I can get guilted into doing anything.
– Does that mean I can guilt you into having sex with me
(After Rick congratulates a girl on a pool shot) I was social!!
Someone should tell her she is the best pool player in New Orleans
– Where is Mar?
– He is getting raped by a schwoogie
– That is fucking great
So Nicole, call her back and tell her your staying at my house. You’ll like my house, it’s fun, we can play manhunt and shit.
For as long as I have known myself….
– I’m a cheerleader, what do you expect?
– I don’t fucking know
I thought you banged the transsexual?
– What are you up to tonight?
– Watching New Orleans get destroyed
– That’s terrible
– Yea, I know. I never got to go there
You are a lanky kid. Tall, long legs, you can get out of a lot of situations
You wouldn’t like me when I’m Bon Jovi
You’re wearing a bra? Loser.
OOOOH repercussions. Welcome to my world.
– Beep Bop Boop Bip. [Laughter] is it really that funny?
– No, it’s not
Here hold my beer. I can’t stand here while those dogs are lost out there. I once found a lost dog. [Walks out of the bar. Comes back 45 minutes later without a dog]